Constant Brain Dump

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okay my class got cancelled cos only one person booked so i might just skip the other classes too and just go for the workshops later, probably a better idea cos im tired and my tummy isn’t happy

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M went out last night and i haven’t gone to bed alone for ages so I couldn’t get to sleep at a normal time. Think I fell asleep around 2ish and then he got home around 3.30ish but i didn’t wake up for long. Then i just woke up constantly cos i couldn’t get comfortable and/or M was fidgeting and the bed kept creaking 🫠

Today i have 6 hours of classes/workshops lol…

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anyway M is out tonight so i did loads this evening.

i sorted my new work laptop. i moved all my pole stuff into my office and did a big clear out of it too. i went through the few boxes i had downstairs and put stuff away and also did a clear out of those.

M had left a huge pile of his stuff in the wardrobe so i moved all of that so i can finally get to my clothes for the first time in a week.

i put 2 loads of washing away. prepped another load to go in the washing machine tomorrow. cleaned paris’ pen. spent time with paris. tried new bikinis on.

just had a quick shower and now i’m lying in bed waiting for whenever M comes home.

tomorrow i have 3 classes and 2 90min workshops…. gonna be a long, sweaty, but fun day!

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had a moan to my boss in my 1-1 on thurs about that from monday who tipped me over the edge and i ended up crying. like im not bothered by his actual feedback on the work, its just the fact that its come 8 months down the line when he’s seen the work a million times.

i did however remember he’s commented on a couple of things on it in the past and repeated himself a number of weeks. the things he said didn’t seem that big of a deal but i was wondering why he kept asking the same thing and i had to keep telling him the same answer.

and i think that was basically his way of trying to communicate his big issue with it …. but it just wasn’t apparent in the slightest and he never expanded. he always just took my answer and never said anything else.

so i’m gonna look out for him repeatedly saying the same things in future and ask him for more details… cos he’s been shit at communicating the whole time i’ve worked with him and everyone i know finds him so difficult. and people have even given him this feedback but nothing changes 🙄 blows my mind a bit that you can be in such a senior position and can’t explain yourself but okay!

anyway i feel kinda okay about it now. i’ve made updates to the designs and my boss is on board. on monday the PM is back from holiday so ill have to break the news to him and he’ll be fuming. but at least i’ll have done a lot of the work and then us and my boss can go to this other guy and present our solution and hopefully he’s happy with it and we can all move on 🙄🙄🙄

my boss was saying maybe she’d like to spend some time with me understanding how we got to this point and i’m just hoping she forgets cos it’s just pointless. it was an oversight from the whole team but especially me. this other guy chose not to communicate his problem for god knows how many months. i cba defending the decisions i made. it’s not like i make mistakes that often at woke so leave me alone pls.

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i have to go and see a client today and go on a house valuation lol. i’ve been to a few viewings / valuations now and they’re in areas with some stunning huge houses and yet my appointments are always at very normal houses and it’s so gutting. i wanna see a huge mansion or smth. make it more interesting.

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painting done (i’ve just finished the windows) and furniture in! just need to actually move my belongings back in and organise things! that’s a tomorrow job though.

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i text J at work about something and then mentioned my shit morning and he immediately called me and was immediately angry that certain people are upsetting me. the same person causes him a ton of stress too, way more than me. idk how he copes honestly. he said a few times he’s wanted to quit. i said i did start looking at new jobs but then figured ill wait and see what it’s like when the new Lead Designers start.. cos im hoping that they’ll take a lot of the pressure away because they’ll have far more responsibilities than us for our product areas. plus its a third person on the team to defend our decisions.

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cried a lot this morning cos head of product said he’s not sure about a feature we’ve been building for 7-8 months, and it’s about to go live.

he’s seen every step of the designs… he’s seen it soooo many times during the build.

and he has given some bits of feedback and we’ve made changes based on most of it. but we’ve also disagreed with some due to user research and told him what users said etc and he never pushed back any further….

soo we’re ready to go live and now he’s come along and said he’s not happy with it basically and he wants a meeting to discuss how we got to the current solution… even though he signed it off? and even though we have so much positive feedback from users?

originally he said he wanted the meeting this week. and that panicked me because my PM is on holiday and i don’t want to have to defend all our work on my own. but luckily he’s since changed that message and said next week.

spoke with my boss cos she had a call with him this morning to understand what’s going on. and i got rly upset cos im just so confused and frustrated by the whole thing. like i thought id done such a good job on this piece of work but apparently not.

she explained his thoughts and concerns and i was like right okay…. but he’s literally never said these things to us 😅 like why’s he let us continue building it for months and months and not stopped us and given this feedback if he was so concerned?!

i’m honestly getting so sick of this place cos BS like this happens so much and i just repeatedly feel like im shit at my job. but realistically i think im good at my job and people like him are just repeatedly terrible at communicating and then cause big issues like this across so many teams.

and i feel like i can basically never do any piece of work unless my boss is involved cos she’s the only person that seems to be able to understand him. and then i feel like a failure cos there’s always something wrong in everything i do. and i worry that her and the other senior leadership think im shit at my job. and i’m sick of feeling shit at my job and sick of having no confidence. cos whenever i do get confident, my work is completely shit on and i feel awful again.

i did start looking at new jobs but i think i should just wait until the new designer on my team starts and see how that changes things.

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slept in the new bedroom last night and it was so nice to wake up to the new colour etc!

i finished cutting in in M’s office before pole, then i went to the shop and then my grandparents which was nice, until my grandma started complaining about migrants coming here on boats and getting a free education etc etc and some story she’d clearly read on facebook… so soon after that i left 🫠

M’s finished painting whilst i was gone and then we did a tip run. then figured out where to put his furniture in the new office. so he’s moving that now… and then we need to start my room but idk if he’ll wanna wait and do it tomorrow or not. cos when i got home he’d lost the will to live and i had to tell him off / encourage him to keep going so that we don’t have to live in an obstacle course for much longer hahaha

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the bed is in! M is just finishing putting it back together whilst i’m ordering duvet covers and sheets 🌝😂

i’m gonna try putting our current curtains up too but idk if i’ll want to keep them or buy new just yet. also looking for a lamp shade but haven’t seen one i like yet… and we need new bedside tables cos we’ve hated ours for ages. they’re white and don’t match the styles i like nowadays! i’m gonna try looking in some second hand shops for them i reckon.

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work is actually driving me insane this week.

found out on monday the sales team haven’t been using the prototype i made them for 6 months. basically the managers didn’t share it round their teams at all.

some people did see my message about it, tried it out, didn’t know how to use it (didn’t look at the guide i made) and figured it wasn’t finished (i said it was finished) and just went back to the old one instead of asking me questions or anything.

and now they want it for a big pitch next week and suddenly they need it to do all these new things and be in a different order and they’re telling me how the order just didn’t make sense before.

like that’s fine but why didn’t anyone say this in the past 6 months?! i could have made these changes months ago and not be chasing my tail 3 days before a pitch for you!!!

oh and also a manager to me to make certain changes to it. i asked her a question and was concerned cos her changes meant starting from scratch… she didn’t answer me so i messaged someone on her team and he said no she’s wrong she’s misunderstood. so thank fuck i didn’t actually do what she asked!

plus i’m having to put all my work on pause to do this shit and i’m already behind on my own bloody work. like i was already stressed about it all and now im even more stressed. ughhhhhhh.

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first coat done! i’m loving it! it’s so cosy and moody but it doesn’t make the room feel any smaller cos of the huge window 😍

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goodbye office 🥺 feel a bit sad cos i love the terracotta and the way the sun shines on it in the morning. but also ill be glad to sleep the furthest i possibly can from the neighbours in a few days lol

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past couple of days in work have felt so hectic. like i have so much to do but people keep piling stuff on my plate 🙄🙄

anyway i finished early today and got my lashes done and i love them! and the girl was soooo nice we literally didn’t stop talking for 2.5 hours lool

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lol so next door have always been noisy… they’re not awful but they’re just loud people. often after 10pm when we’re watching tv in bed we can hear them banging around.. opening doors, cupboards, drawers, one of their kids often repeatedly bangs something in his room. and we both get so wound up by these noises.

our bed is against the adjoining wall.

for ages i’ve been thinking how we could make it work if we moved our bed into the front bedroom instead. but our walk-in wardrobe then wouldn’t be attached to the bedroom so that could be a bit annoying.

but i decided this weekend ive had enough of it and i wanna move everything round.

so we’re basically rotating each upstairs room. our bedroom will become the front bedroom. M’s office will move into the old bedroom. and my office will move into M’s old office.

the front bedroom is also an awkward shape cos of the chimney breast. but we’ve decided we’ll just have to put the bed in front of the window. it’s not perfect but i think we can make it look good by framing it with the curtains and stuff.

got a lil Gemini visual here - it’s not exactly what it’ll look like. it put too many frames on the wall and the mirrors in a weird place etc lol but you get the gist!

i’ve ordered the paint too, it’s arriving tomorrow 👀

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oh also my niece has been saying for literally about 8+ months that she wants to work out with me on a sunday in my gym. we planned it once and then she got a cold. so we reorganised it and something else came up… i haven’t said anything since cos i cba with her flakiness.

and then i replied to her instagram story yday saying her holiday looked fab and she replied saying she misses me and wants to do sunday workouts. i said id be up for it. but i purposefully dont say anything else cos again, i cba.

and then 20mins ago she said “shall we do it this weekend?”

girl it’s past 4pm on a sunday there’s not much of this weekend left and no i don’t wanna do it right now lol. and im busy the next 2 sundays so 🤷🏻‍♀️

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i made my first bikini top! it’s not very good hahaha the shape and corners is a bit messy but it was rly good to learn the general process and get used to the sewing machine!

i’m also defo gonna try making straps next time. i figured i’d used elastic but the stuff i got is way too thin lol.

pic if you wanna seee