TW: MENTION OF PHYSICAL, SEXUAL, AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE
Heyyy, so I broke up with my now ex around 5 weeks ago now. I haven't really had a place to talk about this, and since I find this to be an area where I can talk about things, I decided to bring it up here.
So my ex and I dated for 5 months, and during that time, he abused me in many different ways.
We were friends for years before we dated, but we were never super close. He was really nice, and even though he was annoying at times, I still chatted with him occasionally. At the start of our relationship, he was kind and sweet, and made me incredibly happy. So happy that I overlooked his flaws.
He called his exes "bitches", but said I was different, and better than them. He told me that people broke up with him for being TOO nice. Those were lies, obviously, but past the point.
He was my first, simply because he manipulated me and coaxed me into feeling safe to have sex with him. He and I sexted the night before it happened, and he said "I could just sneak through your window and fuck you on the floor", I said no, I said I was uncomfortable, but he pushed. I said he could come over the next day since I was alone, I regret that.
I pressured myself into thinking I wanted it, and that if I said no he would be disappointed. I remember thinking that I just needed to get through it, and thinking about how painful it was. I don't really remember all of it anymore, but I remember saying I didn't wanna continue after he took a break. He got annoyed, but I got up and put my clothes back on.
This cycle happened a lot, me thinking I just needed to get through it, thinking I would just pretend so I could make him happy, and quitting once he got tired even if he wanted to keep going.
He raped me, and he did it a lot. He even tried to convince me to have sex with him after i'd gotten high, or once I had fallen asleep. I have those kinks, but I never trusted him enough to let him do it. He never understood that.
I felt like anything would make him mad, and I was partially right. Once he was raping me, and I said I wanted a break but he just kept going. It felt like dry sandpaper and I just stared into space and pretended to "moan". As soon as he stopped, I instantly said I didn't wanna do it again, and he got angry and wouldn't talk to me. He once got mad at me for swatting a fly HE was going to hit, and wouldn't talk to me.
He forced me into kinks I wasn't comfortable with, and would guilt me when I said no. I remember once that he had come over, and tried to guilt me into doing something I didn't want to. I kept saying no, but the only thing that got him to stop begging was saying several times that my mom might find out. I used my mom as a way to dodge his advances a lot. He was annoyed when I said no, and I felt like crying because he just wouldn't listen.
The first time we got high together, I wanted to stop since my throat hurt. He guilted me into continuing saying "I'm just doing what you said you wanted to do". He would even stay 90% lucid as I got absolutely fucked up, and try and convince me to have sex. He also wanted us to get drunk together, so we could have sex.
He was even sexual when around my family, and tried to pressure me to do the same. I felt like he was only happy while having sex, and I thought I had to put out in order to keep him from being upset.
He lashed out when I tried to bring up issues, and screenshot our argument to quote "look at and cry about later". He put words in my mouth, and screamed at me just for being happy, and wanted my moods to change in a second.
Once we were at a hotel swimming pool (I took him on my family vacation, huge regret), he found these goggles that didn't fit. He suctioned them to his eyes, and he looked funny. I started laughing so hard it hurt, and I was having a good time. All of a sudden, he yelled in this pool (where a family was hanging out), "can you stop? You're really making me feel like shit". I immediately stopped laughing, and reserved myself, but his mood changed from mad to happy so quickly. He insisted we splash around together 5 seconds afterwards. I remember looking at this woman, and thinking "if I was her, would I wonder why I'm with this guy?".
He called the things I got upset about "stupid and unimportant", but the things that he was upset about mattered.
He treated his friends so much better, and the look in his eyes looked so different. He looked at me with annoyance, and at his friends with love and kindness. I felt horrible.
Once we had gone to a country concert and were driving one of my best friends home. My friend lives in the middle of nowhere, and my ex said "the best people live out in the middle of nowhere". I live around 14 minutes out of town, so I said "Oh I live out in the middle of nowhere", and he instantly corrected me, saying "no, you live in the suburbs".
He yelled at my mother, almost broke her things too. He sold the gift my sister had given him, and ruined my belongings when he touched them. He simply didn't care about anyone besides himself. He quit his job to listen to a misogynist (Andrew Tate) on the internet, saying he would earn money from this if he did everything he said. He tried to convince me that if I "wanted" to be a man, that no one would care about my emotions ever again, and I would be seen as a creep and a bad person.
He tried to convince me to not get a job, and to just move in with him. He never took the answer "but I want a career", he would just continue to try and convince me I didn't know what I wanted.
He made me feel like I had to hide the fact that I had money, since if he knew, he would ask that I buy him something. I remember we were walking in this gift store, and he was so close that he was breathing down my neck and was pressed against me. I was so anxious he would see how much the stickers I was getting were, and would know I was lying when I said I only had 5$ left. I got away from him eventually, and kept looking around to find where he was so I could pay without him wanting anything.
Once he'd stayed over, and I was so anxious he'd rape me that I just couldn't sleep. The next morning, as he was leaving, I had said "I'm just feeling subby" off handedly. He took that as a que to say "subby?", and jump at me from across the room. He grabbed my neck so hard, and slammed me on the bed with full force. He was much larger than me, so he hit me much harder. He started choking me and kissing me, I was so scared that I just went with it. Afterwards he simply left. I couldn't move my neck without severe pain, enough pain to make me cry in the shower. I never said I wanted that, I never wanted that at all.
I haven't gotten my period recently due to stress, but I've been so anxious he might have raped me without me knowing that i've gone as far as to ask my school counselor if I could get a pregnancy test. I've told adults in my life, and once I had brought this up to my youth group leader, and she asked "so when did he actually assault you?" after I told her the full story, and she's said I need to consider why he acts the way he acts. Even asking if he'd been assaulted as a kid.
He's been blaming me since we broke up, and telling people God knows what. And I'm worried that people will believe him over me, and I always worry that out mutual friends or acquaintances thunk less of me or know something they shouldn't.
He's ruined my libido, he's even ruined kissing for me. When I watch sexual things, or read sexual things, all I think about is what he did to me, and it sucks. I feel disgusting for wanting sex, and being sexual now, and it's horrible.
This is a lot, and it's not very organized. But thank you for reading. Uh, that's not EVERYTHING, but it's enough to get my point across. But thank you, I'm gonna take a break from this account until I can heal a bit more. Yee...well bye :))
