the last thing saved in my google search history is 'how to stop feeling so dead and empty on the inside' and i don't even remember when i wrote this. i just know i'ts been so long since i've discovered this void in my chest that i got used to living with it.
you may assume this is a sign of self-hatred, but i assure you, you're wrong. i've always been narcissistic, i've always thought i'm better than others. and it simply has nothing to do with my self confidence, which has mostly remained untouched while something else, something far more essential, was deteriorating.
they say it happens when you grow up. you stop being amazed by the things you usually went crazy for - movies, books, food, lover's touch. and all the pain goes from forest fire to an almost empty lighter. none of my hobbies seem to wake any interest in me, and it's even worse than being lazy, because i actually want to stop being like this and engage into an activity, but it just isn't as satisfying as it was before. everything is dullish.
how to stop feeling dead inside? you see, there's no reason for it. by any means, i've had a normal life, without ayd significant traumatic events - and even if there were any, i'm sure they wouldn't have brought me to this state. no, it begun differently.
i'm not even sure if i can explain it, i'm not much of a writer and tonight the words are not coming to my head and my thoughts are unclear because i barely ever sleep these days, but i'll give my best. sometimes i feel as if my thoughts are escaping, as if i can't keep them inside my head. my ideas vanish away in a second if i don't write them down. i forget everything. the details are blurring. i don't know what exactly is happening, but this apathy is consuming me. i mean, i'm not even sad, i simply don't feel, and even if i do, those feelings aren't intense. they're like pale, faded versions of themselves. i don't know. all of this sounds so cliche it's pissing me off.
i barely talk about this to anybody. it feels a little bizzare to write it down here, where nobody knows me, but somehow it makes it easier to be honest. and for once, i want to be completely honest when i tell things from my perspective. i don't want to modify or embollish anything i have to say. what i'm trying to say is, i feel like i have nothing meaningful or exciting to look forward to.
i used to love long rides, when i could just space off listening to music, with all these silly imaginary scenarios. i used to... well, this might sound weird, but i used to have sexual desire. a libido. i was craving a body to hold me, to make me satisfied. i don't crave that anymore.
the odd thing is, i do have a lot of friends and relatively fulfilled life. i go out, i have fun, i get hit on. i mean, i used to be unpopular when i was a kid, but that was a really long time ago and to be honest i don't really care about all that shit anymore. it seems silly to me that i ever even allowed myself to be subdued.
feeling like this isn't as cool and glamorous as it sounds. it's quite exhausting, really. i've quit drinking - it was kind of a new years reasolution even though i'm not usually the 'resolution person'. i did it because i had to find out if overconsumption of alcohol has something to do with this weird state i'm in. but actually it seems it has gotten worse lately, even though i don't drink and barely ever smoke a cigarette.
i don't know what to do, really. but i do want to improove.
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