I think about this often.
For twenty years, my depression and anxiety didnāt critically impede my ability to function. It made my life hell, but I went to class and got good grades and had friends. Sure, I had very odd coping mechanisms - like occasionally sleeping outside instead of going back to my dorm room, because I dreaded being in there; or like crying explosively over nothing; or picking fights with my partner about how they should dump me, because I was worthless and probably not going to live very long anyway. Everyone told me I was fine - maybe a bit dramatic, and a bit negative, but fine.
I think a lot about the tipping point. I graduated. I got married. I moved out. And then, the panic attacks came in earnest. The impulse to hurt myself or force other people to hurt me became louder. Because I had no outlet - no high-intensity job, no school structure to force me to get up, nobody to impress or please. It was just me. And I hated me. So, why would I be able to motivate myself to do anything at all? My whole life, Iād been performing at maximum intensity to please others. And I was tired.
It took years of floating in that state - nobody forcing me to get a job or get out of bed - before I realized that Iād arrived. Iād hit the āyou canāt function anymoreā level that all the therapists finally seem to take seriously.
So, I went into my doctor and said, āI canāt live my life anymore. I need help.ā
And she said, āBut youāre so well-spoken and self-aware!ā I could tell that I was fooling her again, by dressing normally and showering that morning and showing up with all my paperwork in order.
We have to stop pushing people past the point where their illness āimpedes their ability to function.ā Because we canāt always see it clearly. Iām far past my ability to live a complete and happy life, but I donāt look like it all the time. That doesnāt mean I donāt deserve help. Everyone deserves help. No matter where theyāre at - bottom or middle or top of their mental health experience. We canāt dictate that to people; itās harmful.
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