Trapped in my own mind on ECQ (Enhanced Community Quarantine)
It’s about Day 40+ of quarantine due to Covid19. I find myself crying for no reason or for stupid - as they say ‘small’ - inconveniences these recent days.
I am itched to go back to normal days, to go outside. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I sometimes find no interest in things I’m very interested in. I have put down my switch, not playing Animal Crossing for days. To think, that’s such a sweet escape. I try to keep myself busy. I’ve learned how to properly cook. Sometimes I multitask, not good because I just want those in front of me to put sadness behind me. But, a good number of days I end up just laying on bed. I have big ass anxiety, sometimes I don’t know how to handle it, other times I try to figure out. I became very forgetful this day and it’s not cute as forgetful Lucy.
Other than feeling bad and sad (of what’s happening in the world), I also feel mad. Frustrated? I hate to break this little bubble in other people’s minds. I think some perceive me to be positive as if I don’t have any problem or just happy-go-lucky. That’s very far from reality. I’ve got so much bad thoughts and not to other people. Though, I am pissed to a number of people for good reasons. Please allow me to be this normal, to have someone I like and someone I don’t. But, engaging in conflict is hardly my thing. Those who are important to me are the only ones I'd be willing to waste my time, my day on such. Arguments exhaust me, I’m glad I haven’t had deep arguments with my family since, especially this quarantine.
What I am trying to say is I’m doing my best to be a high-functioning trapped-in-her-own-mind kind of girl. It’s not an easy task especially my support systems aren’t physically near me. I do appreciate those virtual hugs and kisses, they make my days. However, yes, panic, anxiety, and depression attack. In different ways, in disguise. I know I’m not the only one. If you see someone trapped in their own minds and as if they need support, please, don’t hesitate to send little messages that would send them to their happy places. The more personal, the better.
I am fond of hiking or adventure or anything with nature, but I do not really have much time and strength(?) for it, haha. But, yes, if I could go to the mountains every once in a while, I would. Sadly, I couldn’t. Because of Life. Balance. So on and so forth.
Other than climbing the mountain itself, I am also fond of taking pictures, especially taking beautiful photos of the environment where I am in. So if you get to travel with me, you’ll be annoyed by how I am always carrying my phone or camera with me. Taking pictures, left and right. I’m so sorry haha. I guess that’s just how it is if you are the kind of person who finds beauty even in the simplest things.
Without further ado.
We rode a boat first.
Staalbucks. Witty.
And we had breakfast. I suddenly noticed these flowers from where I’m sitting.
This is not that far from where we started.
There is an option to ride a horse going to the top.
Us, girls = getting left behind at the trail because of taking too many photos. I mean, what’s the rush right? Haha.
My main model or subject: Ellie! Also, my best friend who dragged me into this.
Gained new friends, of course! This one is Rose.
Crater Lake view.
Entering the ”Red Lava”
Thank you, team Taal! It was nice meeting all of you! :)
Before I start my own take on this topic. I just want to share where I got this kind of inspiration from:
It’s from Dayna Frazer. Check out her blog, I promise it’s worth every word: http://leatherpetal.blogspot.com/2017/01/positivity-lists.html
Sending you my heartfelt thank you, Dayna! :)
I’m not quite sure when I started to become so into “Self-Love”. Although I do know someday, somehow it will just knock into anyone’s door, in yours, as it did for me, for everyone should really acquire it. We all get lost and start questioning ourselves our own worth whenever any problem arises in each and every day of our lives. Our initial reaction is to worry, it is okay to worry and feel all that but never forget that you may also feel happy and just let things be.
It is frustrating not to be in control or to feel like not in control of some things in your life. Problem or anxiety comes and goes. Instead of wasting our energies into something that will only drain us like thinking too much and drowning ourselves into this big hole of negativity and nowhereness. We all should focus more on ourselves; our feelings, well-being and take care of it.
If you ever feel lost or down, remind yourself of all the good things that you engage yourself with. In a form of making lists, write it down or something, as you just have to get it into your heart, mind, and soul. This way it will make you realize that life isn’t bad and you have all these to smile for, small or big things.
Things that make me happy:
1. Exploring things that are new to me (places, activities, music, movies, food, anything)
2. Reading philosophy books
3. Pampering myself or shopping for skin-hair-health care products
4. Being surrounded by nature
5. Taking beautiful photos
6. Spending time with my best friends
7. Spending time with my family; bonding with my older sister
1. After my every “only so much” (crying, sad, worst state.. yes, for me, I believe we should let ourselves feel these things, but only so much), I always learn to just accept things in life.
2. I always think to myself what I was battling months or a year ago and for whatever I’m currently battling, I know I will always get through it.
3. With the help of the people who truly care about me, I always remind myself that I’m not alone.
4. I try my best to be honest with myself so I know where I’ll stand and how exactly I’m going to help myself.
5. I take time to breathe, I remind myself that I have to have at least a day to just focus on myself; clear my mind, so I can get back on my feet.
6. I stay away from anything that will consume me in the worst way. I go for the things or people that or who are uplifting, inspiring and making me smile.
7. And since I only want to focus on anything positive, I also give my best to be always positive and eliminate negativity in my whole being.
I know it’s not a walk in the park to make yourself feel good, especially if you’re really having a bad day, week, month or even a year. But my dear, please try. I want you to try as much as someone wants me to, too.
I completely forgot that I actually do draw, with my hands. I mean traditionally because I’ve been drawn to everything digital these days.
My women inspirations.
Marilyn Monroe was for a freehand class back in college, topic: stippling. I remember how I was getting sleepy for doing stippling because it really takes time and since the pen that I was using here is just 0.1 to 0.5.
Then, the moment I handed it over to my professor, he literally wrote 4.0 as my score. (4.0 being the highest.) Right away. No questions asked. And inside I was like “Damn, you better!” Hahaha just kidding. I was like literally sleeping and still stippling at midnight, like lying on the sofa next to the artwork, eyes closed and hands still moving. So yeah, you better.
In case you need some guides on dissecting my untitled rap song (on a personal level, my own explanation as to why those each word or sentence)
I’m bored btw, haha
Lyrics:
What’s good, not what you expect me to be
Sometimes we’re being misinterpreted by people especially those who know less or nothing at all about us. Misinterpreted by the way we do, see, say and perceive things.
5 feet tall, frequently mistaken for being sixteen
Mistaken as sixteen years old or even younger than sixteen because of my height, which is not really a problem sometimes, but depends on what or how you’re being mistaken of.
I have an album of Talib Kweli and Mos Def..initely
but doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate Peggy Lee.
Personally, I really do have an album of Talib Kweli and Mos Def. I’m a sucker for hiphop or rap songs and anything upbeat. I also listen to classical music. Bottomline: I appreciate a good music.
Fever! dreams, and future little bit shaky
as far as I know, potential is a strong basis
Fever is a song by Peggy Lee. When your dreams and future are still far from reach, as long as you’re trying you’re still heading closer to it. This is some encouragement for the underdogs.
Thank Lord for love we keep going on
if not maybe we stop tryin’ anything at all
Passion; Love keeps us going.
still, there’s more to be hopeful for
with friends, family and if you’re lucky
you have Harry to meet you, Sally
There’s always someone who’s there for you. Friends, family or your Harry/Sally (your love interest; movie reference: When Harry met Sally)
it’s not that easy when you’re acting
all soulmate but scared to move soul
from comfort zone to actually meet.
I wish soulmate is pre-requisite to soul-meet.
When two people seemed like soulmates; they have this amazing connection, but no one made a move or nothing happened. They’re just falling to “what if” category. You feel that someone is your soulmate, so you just wish it’s that easy, like instantly being together.
Imagine sharing love for Art and other things you do.
If we could just erase the border between me and you.
If only there were no hindrance and complicated things, you can already imagine the both of you sharing some things in common or learning some different things from each other.
Her cheerful face—you’ll feel like you’ve found yourself a ray of sunshine or a happy pill to accompany you in life—is not equivalent to what you see, not even close to equivalent to what she entirely feel, about everything.
Eight weeks ago, I was out and about, and I sat beside a young-looking woman, I thought she and I are the same age but she’s a few years older. While we were both waiting in line. We chitchat for a bit. She opened up to me that she’s already about to make a new chapter of her life with her newly born baby and her soon-to-be husband. She looks really happy and almost fulfilled, her happy stories are contagious so I just let her talk and talk. I asked along the way to feed my curiosity about how she’s young to be so sure, she said that age is just a number and when you feel that a person is ‘the one’, you’ll know it. Until she reached her limit and ask if I have a boyfriend, in which I answered “No, I don’t have”. As an older sister, she told me not to rush about it and don’t prioritize “looks” as a preference. I certainly agreed.
Furthermore, she emphasized only one important preference that got me thinking and that is to Find Someone Who Will Truly Take Care Of You, something that she also found for herself.
Days passed by and I kept thinking to myself, the young-looking woman who (by the way) looks like my former high school teacher, is right. It may sound cheesy and mushy burrito rolled into one but it’s actually one of the best and simple advice I have heard in my life, or maybe this year.
Okay, so I’m on my day off from work and a few more days from now, I need to juggle my life way different from how I’m juggling it now.
Allow me to cry and admit: I AM FREAKING OUT
Not to mention, I’m a bit sick right now. I can’t barely focus on anything major that requires a lot of thinking (oh this isn’t thinking, this is slight ranting and expressing feelings). I’m irritated, frustrated, stressed, depressed and not even well-dressed.
In the words of Phoebe Buffay: I don’t even have a “pla.”
Everything's, just, kinda like... Floopy. -Rachel Green
I hope I get the best of me, to make all these things work out. I hope it all comes together and be “Unfloopy”. Ya, right.. If that’s even a word.
A few years back, sophomore year in college, if I remember it perfectly, my group-mates and I won a debate supporting Necessary Illusions.
In simple terms, it means Thought Control (as early introduced by Noam Chomsky, but in Democratic Societies concern).
Honestly, when we were chosen to debate about this certain topic, I personally struggled on first encounter of those words, not for the reason that I don’t understand the words literally because I do, but I was afraid I don’t understand it in a deeper sense. I don’t understand it enough to perform a debate. With the help of research and ideas from where it originated, I finally get what it truly means. I’m not really here to discuss Noam Chomsky’s book or stance, but I’ll consider it in my general perspective.
Going back to our debate topic: Agree or Disagree on Necessary Illusions?
Personally, I’m pro or more on the side of Necessary Illusions, but I also understand the latter.
There are two conflicting ideas surrounding it: first, being honest and with no limits; second, hiding/not telling it or lying. Both are served with positive and negative consequences.
If no man is an island, I strongly believe that no man is an open book. Some people might disagree or actually will definitely disagree but in my defense.. being honest or an open book doesn’t make you an entirely good person. It, without a doubt, makes you an honest person. And having mysteries or filtering your life doesn’t make you a bad person. Lying makes you a bad person. All in all, it’s still a matter of choosing the more appropriate/suitable actions for whatever life may bring.
There is no strict division in an open book and a close one, I stand in between but leaning towards Thought Control. I’m not supporting the idea of lying and hiding but I’m after the peace of mind that having ‘thought control’ gives. We have so many things running through our heads, it’s a mix of positive and negative energies. There are worth telling. There are worth keeping. Sometimes, I would rather lose an argument than to never find my inner peace, like what my father told my sister and I fighting over a silly computer game when we were kids “winning isn’t everything”. While there are cons of Thought Control and it is in the idea of manipulation. Like in the book of Chomsky, mass media is somehow manufacturing consent. A political concern not being an open book misleads the public, with the help of media it sometimes strengthen the lies and weakens the truth. Which deprive us, the people, of a good political governance. The same applies to private sectors, to individuals with the same agenda/propaganda.
There is no actually right or wrong answers/sides in necessary illusions, only right or wrong way of using things. It’s great to be honest but don’t go around walking hurting people with your honesty. You lose the essence of being honest, you’re a mega b* already. It’s also okay to keep some mystery but don’t use it to hurt people as well. As I said earlier, it lies in the art of balancing life.
What are your thoughts regarding this? Do we need illusions to help us or is it useless? Are illusions really necessary or not?
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