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so-pale-girl

notdeadbabies-deactivated201603

When you’re arguing with someone online.

modestvirgin-blog

Lmaoooooo When you're angry texting bae for not responding to your last 10 texts

fragileheartxxx

modestvirgin-blog

Mood.

prettyboyshyflizzy

I'm 19 virgin female never done anything sexual with a male never kissed anyone, niggas ask me out now I regret it now I'm so sexually frustrated I don't know what to do

get a toy before u give your kitty to a fuckboy lol

or start dating and see if u click with anyone

or both lol

cagedlions

OFFERING ALL BLACK PEOPLE A FREE BOAT RIDE BACK TO AFRICA—This the type of shit some white people think is funny.

modestvirgin-blog

Dawg. See how shit is funny til I isn't anymore? 😐

JIM JOE 2015

same.

peachovo

I personally can’t afford regret or else I would be more careful about my life. I really don’t have a time where I’ve thought, Oh, I wish I could go back and turn it around. But I have had times in my life where I think, God, that’s fucking scary. Thank god I lived through that. Happy Birthday Angelina Jolie ♥ (June 4th, 1975)

the20-20

5 Chicks Walk Into a Bar...

Every woman is apart of a clique at some point in her life, whether she’s aware of it or not. Cliques are funny. The group chats, the spats amongst members, the rules of “girl world.” If you’re reading this thinking, “I don’t have these issues I’m a grown ass woman” girl, shut up. You’re probably the annoying one.

So five chicks walk into a bar (or club, whatever.) and this is the standard breakdown:

Girl 1: “I’m in love. I have a man already. I don’t even club like that, just here for my girl’s birthday.”

She’s right, she NEVER goes out and if she does it’s ONLY because her man decided to go out for his friend’s birthday (he never goes out either, they love sitting in the house staring at each other). Girl 1 is ALWAYS ready to go. She might rap along with a song or two, get you hype when you’re doing your “it’s midnight and it’s my birthday” twerk but she has absolutely no desire to sit in this hot ass club with you wayward souls any longer. She could be at home, loving up on her man and she’s only here because you got mad about her flaking on the last few outings. Everybody knows that missing a birthday for any reason other than death is a mortal sin in girl world.

Girl 2: “I’m in love…with a dude who isn’t worth shit. I’m here because he isn’t answering”

You may think that Girl 1 and Girl 2 are the same but you are sadly mistaken. Girl 1 actually HAS a boyfriend, Girl 2 isn’t quite sure what to call her “situation.” Girl 2 believes that a bond is worth more than a title. She sits in her phone the entire night hoping that Mr. Aint Shit is so kind enough to bless her with a “what you doing later?” text. Another thing about Girl 2, she never really knows when she’ll see Mr. A.S. again so as soon as she gets the text you’ll see her trying to be low and gather her things. She knows she’s an addict. She knows yal are tired of the bullshit with her and her situation. You know it too but she’s cool. You all hope that one day when this is over, you’ll laugh at this…until she meets her next situation. She might say something like, “alright yal, I’m out. I’m kinda tired.” She aint tired. She’s going to get her fix.

Girl 3: “Fuck love. Don’t say anything to me OR them.”

Girl 3 is mean as fuck. She’s been Girl 1 and Girl 2 before and now she’s just over it. She’s usually the one you try to get the most liquor in, in hopes that she’ll be nice to the guys you meet. She’s in her phone the entire night too (on twitter or IG. no one’s texting her) and because she hates men most days she raps all of the “fuck niggas” verses like she penned them herself. You love Girl 3 because she’s a realist but you also know that she’s really not for the bullshit. When Girl 4 starts getting drunk and touchy, she’s the one swooping in like someone’s mama to save her. The ultimate cock blocker, especially “first time” cocks. She takes pride in feeling like she saved you from your hoe self. She has nothing for anyone who isn’t apart of the group she came with but one word answers. She got all dolled up just to come to the club and be evil.

Girl 4: “I’m okkkkkk! Seriously, yal. I’m fine! I’ll text yal when we get there!”

Oh, the beloved Girl 4. Girl 4 is a thrill seeker. She’s indulges in experiences like a coke head indulges in…well, you get it. She’s fun and sometimes you don’t understand how you got so close with someone so wild. Girl 4 usually has no issues with anyone…except for the habitual line stepper that is Girl 3. You might look up in a party and Girl 4 is over in a corner, tonguing down some random and setting up a situation for the end of the night. Like Girl 2, she will leave you in a heartbeat to chase her high. For Girl 4, “high” could mean men, drugs, or dancing with random homeless folks on the street. With her, you truly just never know what to expect. She usually starts off her crazy stories a little like, “Yal, don’t judge me but…” and despite her disclaimer, she doesn’t really care if you or anyone else judges her. Girl 4 marches to one drum, the one that she beats herself.

Girl 5: *Awkward Silence*

Girl 5 is an interesting character…she’s like a Girl 3 and Girl 4 hybrid of some sorts. The judge-y attitude of Girl 3 and the “down for anything” attitude of Girl 4. Difference is, Girl 5 actually cares if you judge her. She wants to be wild but hasn’t quite discovered the confidence to do so…so how does she feat this? By being wild behind closed doors and a bitch in the open. Unlike Girl 4, news of Girl 5’s bad behavior is almost always found out via secondhand accounts. With her, you really never know what she’s up to. Depending on tonight’s mood she might be apart of Girl 3’s peanut gallery or she could be setting plans with Girl 4. SN: Girl 1 doesn’t really care much for Girl 5. Aren’t cliques fun?!

So you know I gotta ask…which girl are you?

the20-20

5 Guys Walk Into a Bar

The responses to “5 Chicks Walk Into a Bar” were so dope yesterday that I felt compelled to do a guy version. I like my opinion but in order for it to be genuine it hadddddd to come from a primary source. So, I recruited a guy and after a hilarious, nearly 2 hour session of brainstorming this is what we came up with. So, yeah. Thanks, friend!

Cliques aren’t just a “chick thing.” Sure, most guys don’t take group trips to the restroom but they still have their quirks. Welp, here we go…again.

Guy 1: The Keeper

“Guy 1 is the glue. He provides focus for the group. He brings everything back to a happy place.”

The Keeper is a gem. In a guy clique, he’s almost always the underdog. Never talks much, probably doesn’t drink a lot. He’s usually there for no reason other than one of his friends being the promoter. He’s not popular because he chose to be, it’s solely by association. He alwayssss has a girlfriend but he’s usually overlooked for the guys we’ll get to in a minute. The Keeper always gets joked on for being a “cuffin ass nigga” but he can’t imagine why his friends would rather be in a hot ass club in hopes that they’ll leave with something instead of having what I like to call “in-house” already home waiting. As great as Guy 1 is, he’s usually only a heartbreak away from becoming Guy 4. Women usually miss out on The Keeper because they’re too busy getting him confused with our next guy…

Guy 2: The “Nice” One

“Guy 2 will ruin your life and yet, you’ll feel like it was the most beautiful experience ever.”

The “nice” guy is always handsome and usually has the most manners out of the bunch. He loves women more than most things on this earth and has no problem sharing that love…with multiple women. He’s popular, seems to have a better resume than the other guys. The “nice” guy is like a dream come true…until you’re in a room crying about how you “just didn’t see this coming.” The “nice” one isn’t afraid of relationships but he can always be identified by his usage of phrases like, “why allow titles to complicate things? If you enjoy this, what’s wrong with what we’re doing?” In the clique, he gets along with everyone.. If you are currently smiling at your phone from texts from someone who sounds a little like this, RUN. RUN FROM THAT SOUL SNATCHER. IT’S GOOD, I KNOW. OF COURSE IT IS! HE’S HAD A LOT OF PRACTICE!

Guy 3: The Facilitator

“Guy 3 has women/can get them easily. He throws alley oops all night and somebody better throw down”

Oh, Guy 3. Guy 3 is fun. Guy 3 is the promoter who every chick calls “big bro” without realizing that the entire night he’s just getting them drunk so that his friends can have plays for the evening. Guy 3 wants everyone to have a good time and has no problem coordinating the party and the after party. He is a mastermind. Unlike Guy 2, there are no rumors of Guy 3 being an insane whore. He comes up OFTEN because he’s the “cool” one. Guy 3s are usually the least judgmental of the group, they believe that “the game is the game” and seldom take issue with “bumping heads” with other guys in the group. This is why women love him, and men want to be him.

Guy 4: The Savage

“Guy 4 has been cheated on…and he fucks girlfriends.”

The world may never know how it is that The Savage comes up on so many women. He’s rude, he’s disrespectful, and he’s a borderline hater but somehow he still gets women to do shit for him that they’d never do for a nice guy. (an actual nice guy. not that soul snatcher, Guy 2.) Contrary to popular belief, Guy 2 and Guy 4 are the EXACT same person. Guy 2 has mastered the art of making women feel comfortable, like they’re the only one while Guy 4 uses his aggression as a tool to attract the “anybody can be changed” ass chicks. Girlfriends DESPISE the savage because he is truly the worst kind of friend. He is the most likely to have domestic drama occur in a club, drama that that is usually concluded by him yelling “FUCK THAT BITCH” and being dragged away by the other guys. Oh yeah, him and Guy 3 ALWAYS bump heads.

Guy 5: The “Where My Hug At?” Ass Nigga

“Guy 5 is never really attractive but he’s alwayssss fly. He probably DJs or something…”

If at the beginning of every evening you find yourself asking your friends, “Where the bitches at, bruh/cuz/son?” YOU, my friend, are Guy 5. Guy 5 is THEE most annoying dude on the planet. He’s tolerated because he’s close friends with Guys 2 & 3 (they probably grew up together) but no one can stand to be around him for more than 20 minutes. For him, platonic relationships are non existent and he uses every. single. opportunity he is given to shoot a shot that will almost never go anywhere. Interesting fact about Guy 5, though. He DOES come up sometimes. He’ll shoot 50 shots in hopes that just one lands and unfortunately, some straggler will fall victim. Guy 5 wants the entire world to know that he’s getting play so bad that he’ll never let the fling die. He’ll never see you after sex and be regular, he ALWAYS finds it necessary to do something to remind you of how he caught you off the humble.

I’m a woman who knows women but I think this is onto something.

So, ladies…who do you usually go for? BE HONEST.

Guys, which one are you?

the20-20

Brown Woman.

You are the type of beauty that never fades. Your grace, unwavering. A smile that will never wither away. A fiery spirit of sorts. Constantly challenging the status quo, asking questions & never accepting “no” for an answer. You are driven. Your drive even scares you at times. The fear of complacency always lurking in the dark corners of your mind. The corners where you try to hide the pain you’ve compartmentalized from years of abuse. Years of lies, broken hearts, tears, Wounds in your flesh that you try to keep bound. I see beauty there. In fact, I see it wherever you are. You are erotic. Between your thighs rests unknown lands, Uncharted territories, The gift of life. The fruit of love’s labor. In your precious womb where you hold the key to civilization. You extend your legs & peace is revealed. I revel at your presence whenever near or from afar. You don’t even realize the ways in which you inspire me to be greater. To reach for a higher version of myself. You are resilient. You’ve given birth to nations, Nations that were stolen from you & yet, You open those big brown eyes & still smile. Your hair, so perfect. From the 4a curls to the freshly shaved head of a soldier telling her story of cancer survival, Bearing her soul for the world to see, For the planets to look at in awe, For them to stargaze at the 8th Wonder of the World. The Queen, The Ruler, The Brown Woman.

the20-20

Am I Gonna Hit Send or Not?

“…when I put my pride aside, I be doing the most.”

-Chris Brown, “Drunk Texting”

Hi, my name is Sharifa and I am a chronic drunk texter. Everybody say, “Hiiiiiiii Sharifa.”

If I’m feeling you, I’m gonna drunk text you and I’ve had enough drunken nights/days/maybemorningsbutdon'tjudgemylife to know how this entire thing goes.

*magical movie harp plays in background and we fade in to a club*

I started early tonight. I always do. We always do. It’s like 11 and my mouth is already feeling numb. I had every intention on sticking to whiskey tonight but Nai passed me 2 shots of Henny and I kinda had no choice. Fuck it, let’s do it. Do I really wanna spend tonight alone? Do I ever? Should I send this text? Nah. I’m not. We haven’t talked in like 3 days and the last thing I want is anybody thinking I’m pressed. Am I? Idk. Ask me that tomorrow. I should be sleep because I definitely have to be at the restaurant tomorrow at 9:45 in the morning…I don’t want to, though. It’s 11:15 now and I still have no moves. Let me IG a pic real quick. I look good so he’ll text first and relieve me of all this stress. Mia, take this pic for me real quick. Alright, 5 pics later we’ve found a winner. 100+ liker. Yes, the alcohol has boosted my confidence to gawd levels at this point. I am the gawd, the brown gawd. He sees it, of course he does. Everybody sees me fuckin shining. Alright, Rif. Calm down. You’re getting ahead of yourself. *50 likes in and no text* Now, I’m getting fucking annoyed. Why play games? Why not hit me up? I’m tired of texting first. I’m too cute for this. Doesn’t he know how many people wish that “Rif” would pop up in their notifications? Excuse my arrogance, I’ve had another shot. The likes are coming in crazy but if this kills my phone battery and I end up with no move for the night I’m gonna be PISSED. It’s 11:30 now, sobriety has escaped me and my pride is on its way out the door with it. I hate when they do this shit. They always leave when I need them the most. I know they’ll be back in the morning, but still. Whenever they return the next morning they usually bring a hangover with them and we all know that’s no fun. It’s 11:45 & still no text. Fuck it. I’ll send a “Hi” because that’s neutral, right? *LED light goes off* This isn’t instagram, it’s him. I know it is. You motherfucker. You had your phone in your hand this entire time and you waited for me to text first…because you knew I would. You knew I’d come looking for a fix sooner or later. My overuse of emojis makes it clear that I’m under the influence. I’m being nice & if I call? Oh, you’ll hear the shots of Henny all in my voice. I’m not speaking with confidence like usual, my words are slurring. You can hear my smile through the phone, especially that weird parted lips/tongue slightly sticking out smile I do when I think I’m getting some. You hear it and you love it. You still aren’t responding as fast as I need you to. Are we gonna link up? Are you gonna wait up until after we go get some food? I’m just waiting on them…

…and just like that, I’ve exposed my vulnerabilities. I come to you and now you know that I’m not as cold as I seem. Just like everyone else, I have desires and needs that must be met. I’m human too. I, too, am a woman and there are some emotions that my walls just can’t protect me from. I showed you that and in the morning I’ll show you how quickly I can revert back to my regular, stone-faced self. Back to life. Back to reality.

fuck. I’ve really gotta stop drinking so much.

modestvirgin-blog

Still, one of my favorites.

the20-20

Let's Chat

(thanks bae, @suchagirlLEEgirl )

Group chats. Let’s talk about group chats. For starters, are you apart of a group chat? Of course you are, we all are. There are “set up the plan for specific event” group chats, “let’s help each other pass this exam” group chats, “watch your sorority sisters go off on each other” group chats, & if you come from a bigger family like me you probably have a “the fam” group chat as well.

Group chats are dope unless they come in the form of birthday dinner plans sent to people who haven’t learned GC etiquette. You know these folks. They have androids & then they wanna send all these individual messages back. They have the most questions about something that had been explicitly stated. Or worse, they wanna ask who all of the unknown numbers are. We know you, we hate you.

There are very few places on earth (ok, that’s a bit of an exaggeration) like a woman’s group chat with her friends. This is the fountain of truth. This is where Drake could’ve found “the real her.” A woman’s group chat is equivalent to a “girl’s night in” that consists of margaritas & tacos. The GC is home to the good, the bad, the quick pumps, & the ugly. (yes, I did just semi-quote an older post title. You loved it.)

GC conversations are essentially one big ass ongoing therapy session. This is where are all of the tweets that have since been saved to drafts are actually delivered.

Raise your had if you’ve ever sent or received any of the following messages (or some variation of it) via GC:

“What yal think of this dress?”

“Sooooo what’s the plan because yal playing & I’m tryna link up with bae.”

“YAL. I’m fucking done with this nigga. Dead ass. I have no words”

“I want some new hair, yal. what should I get?”

*inserts screenshot of poor girl from IG* “Yal know her? I think this is the girl he’s messing with.” *inserts laughing emoji*

Every single one of you reading should have raised a hand at some point because you know you’ve heard one of those stories before.

Your friend bringing good news in the GC has the ability to possibly change your day around. I’ve found out about grad school admissions, proposals, pregnancies, good sex, new books suggestions, & just about everything else that makes women smile via group chat. Most of my friends and I bonded throughout undergrad, so being able to speak to them all at once is perfect. Regardless of what we’re going through, we can keep up with each other.

Make no mistake, GCs can get shady too. Two friends having a silent war in a group chat is as petty as it is entertaining. I am notorious for GC beef, so much so that entire group chats have been disbanded just to kick me out (this was before iOS 8.) GC beef usually arises from some of the most minuscule of occurrences that are usually unbeknownst to the other group members & it’s ALWAYS between the two hotheads of friend circle. here’s an example:

Friend 1: Hey everybody!

Friend 2: hey boo! What’s up with everyone? I’m just getting off work.

Hothead1: yeah, me too. I’m over it today. I’m ready to be home.

Hothead 2: I’m ready for bitches to start keeping it 100 about situations but I’ll probably be waiting on that forever. Yal be blessed.

Friend 1: *insert confused emoji*

See. That’s how it starts & everyone else is just sitting & wondering what went wrong. How did the convo take such a bad turn? Now the individual messages begin trickling in from other group members trying to find out what the hell just happened.

Before I close out, men:

Do NOT make the mistake of stumbling into your girl’s groupchats unless you want to know how she reallyyyyyy feels about you and the situation. Even if she likes/loves you, you will get your feelings hurt or accidentally fall into some horrible sex story. Actually, don’t check anyone’s phone at all, you fucking creep.

Bye :)

the20-20

Parys’ 10 Questions!

I am very honored to have been included in @itsparysakira (www.parysakira.com) list of favorite bloggers! Thank you! Now here are my 10 questions for any 20-20 readers:

1. How many tattoos do you have? 2. What’s the title of the last book you read? 3. What are three words to describe the past year of your life? 4. If it applies, how often do you pray? 5. Winter or summer? 6. What’re the names of your favorite blogs? 7. Who/what is your greatest inspiration? 8. NY style pizza or Chicago style? 9. How do you relieve stress? 10. What’s your favorite 90s sitcom?

Tweet me your answers!

the20-20

The Cardinal Rules of Girl World

In Mean Girls, Deaconess Cady Heron dropped a few gems on some pretty standard rules of Girl World. We learned that Halloween is for dressing slutty without facing judgment and the importance of staying the hell away from the exes of friends. Unfortunately, Deaconess Heron failed to abide by some of the rules along the way & it has sparked what I believe to be a gender wide rebellion against them…so of course, I, Prophetess Rif, feel compelled to reiterate these rules and introduce some new, modern ones.

*Beyonce in concert voice*

Here we go…

1. THOU SHALL NOT WEARETH THY FRIEND’S DRESS & POST IT ON IG LIKE WE DIDN’T SEE HER POST FROM 15 WEEKS AGO.

Look, we’ve all had to do some last minute outfit swaps after already packing our overnight bags and leaving the house for the evening but NO. This is not Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and we can clearly see that her size 8 dress doesn’t exactly fit your size 4 frame. Don’t do it, sis. And if you do, don’t post it.

2. THOU SHALT ACCEPT WHEN THY’S PRECIOUS BOSOM HAS FALLEN VICTIM TO GRAVITY AND WEAR BRAS WHEN NECESSARY.

Titties, like everything that goes up, have to come down. This is life, baby, accept it. Don’t disrespect yourself (or my eyes) by wearing a deep V dress with boobs shaped like a capital J. It’s just wrong.

3. THOU SHANT ACTIVELY PURSUE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE EXES OF WOMEN YOU WISH TO MAINTAIN RELATIONSHIPS WITH. LEST THOU DESIRETH TO GET YOUR ASS WHOOPED.

How you gonna watch me cry over somebody and then try your hand with them? I can’t. I don’t really have much to say because I can’t even understand what goes through the mind of a woman who pursues the ex of a friend but what I will say is this: DO IT TO ME AND I’M WHOOPING YOUR ASS. Do it to someone close to me and I might smack the shit out of you…the dog shit depending on how I’m feeling that day.

4. THOU MUST GETTETH THY ASS OFF IG & TWITTER WHEN FEELING THE NEED TO TWEETETH ABOUT YOUR FOURTH HEARTBREAK IN A YEAR.

Every time I see a chick positing stupid “never let people get close to you because they’ll only use you” with Drake performing onstage in the background memes I die a little on the inside. I’m dead. DRAKE DIDN’T SAY THAT. LAUREN LONDON DIDN’T SAY THAT. RIHANNA DIDN’T SAY THAT! Stop it with the damn fake memes and do some soul searching. Go cry to your group chat or something, goodness gracious.

5. THOU MUST ASSUME SOME RESPONSIBILITY IN ALL SITUATIONS AND STOP USING HOROSCOPES TO EXCUSETH THY BULLSHIT.

“I’m a bitch because I’m a Scorpio.” GIRLLLLL, IF YOU DON’T GETCHOOOOOO. This might be worse than Drake memes because some of you will base your entire life or understanding of someone around the words of some overworked and underpaid intern at Twittascope. I get it, it’s much easier to deal with life’s bullshit when you have some type of explanation for it all but the jig is steadily ascending.

6. THOU SHALL KNOW WHEN THAT WEAVE HAS TO GO.

Baby, cutting it into a bob doesn’t solve everything. I know hair is expensive and we want it to last but when your track has been brushed, combed, and wanded to only a few baby strands you gotta do like Queen Elsa and let it go.

7. THOU MUSTSETH UNDERSTAND THAT SEX DOESNT = BEST FRIENDS FOREVER.

Some of these fools are as loose as the teeth of a 6yr old. Don’t get a few sweaty 15 minutes confused and think that you two have this super glue bond because he gave you some D. Many (NOT all before you accuse me of being a man basher…again) of the dudes are what I like to call, “for everybody.” Know the difference between a bang and a bro and log onto bangbros when you just aren’t quite sure. Keep your heart, 3 Stacks.

8. THOU SHALL ACCEPT THAT NOT GETTING PREGNANT IS NOT AN ACCOMPLISHMENT WORTHY OF PRAISE.

I HATE a “I made it another year without getting pregnant” ass bit. HATE. So of all the things you’ve experienced in the last 365, successfully utilizing birth control is one of your greatest accomplishments? Is that really the best you can do? If so, aim higher.

9. THOU SHALL NOT BLASTETH THE ACTIONS THAT THOU HERSELF HATH COMMITTED.

Don’t be one of those saint in the tweets, freak in the streets ass people. NO, I do not believe that anyone is entitled to detailed descriptions of what you do in your private time but don’t you dare slander those who are comfortable enough being open and honest. Who the hell are you to judge? Furthermore, know that for every secret there are at least 2 people (other than you) who know. All it takes is for one of them to start feeling froggy enough to leap.

10. THOU SHALL NOT PLAY CRAZY, LEST THOU MEETETH AN ACTUAL CRAZY PERSON AND CATCTHETH THE FADE.

I’m not here for “fake crazy” AT ALL. I’ve done some things out of anger that I am not particularly proud of but in no way am I an advocate for going out of your way to start shit. There are people walking this earth who truly aren’t working with a full deck and being “fake crazy” is the easiest way to meet and subsequently get your ass tapped by them. All that fake mean girl/crazy shit is cool until someone busts your ass and shows you how real “real crazy” can get…real fast.

I’m sure there is a host of other shit that belongs on this list but I’m also pretty sure that I’ve already covered it in some capacity. Know the rules, respect the rules.

-Prophetess Rif, The Church of the20-20

P.S.- These fake old testament words are yet another thing I’m gonna have to explain on judgment day.

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