moments of you . .

time is infinite in dog years

[mokimou]

i wonder where i’ll be in spring

[mokimou]

i wonder where i’ll be in spring

[mokimou]

i’ve never introduced anybody to my dad. not any of my friends growing up, even my closest. half the people i knew for 18 years with don’t know what he looks like.

only one girl.

i’ve never been able to talk about my emotions. i’ve always been a crybaby but i’ve always struggled to cry in front of others- even my own mother. nobody has ever heard me sob from the depths of my soul like that. those desperate gasps for air and loud cries

only one girl.

i’ve watered down my personality and my habits my quirks and human moments for as long as i could remember. i can’t stand the thought of someone seeing me brush my teeth or do my makeup. i can’t share the kitchen with anybody without being eaten alive inside my brain. i can’t expose my raw soul not even to myself without the fear of blinding the human eyes. i’ve always been the most indecisive girl i knew. i lived my life letting things be chosen for me. i was never someone who had any dreams or aspirations or anything i wanted to chase- live my life for.. devote my life to..

only one girl.

it’s not for nothing

[mokimou]

thinking about how ill always be small town girl.

i may have moved away from that mountain and i may be a completely different version of myself but i’ll forever be a girl who was raised in a tiny town of 500 in the middle of nowhere. i may have moved to the city and have a new name but i’m always going to be her. it’s shaped who i am. it plays one of the biggest parts of how i was raised. my home, my mountain, my land. i never felt connected to it and i never once felt like i belonged .. but it was and will always/forever be home. i was out of place and never once fit in with my peers, but we were all raised here. it’s where i grew up. i always imagined a different life and i chased it so fast i made it to the finish line. i left and discovered a life i always dreamt of. i went back for the first time in almost four years. i swore i’d never set foot there again when i left. it felt warmer than i expected. things were different and my little community had changed along with me. i still don’t belong. it’s not where my people are. . but i can look back on it con ternura . after a long time away i hug her now in our reunion. i am so many different things , but at the end of it all i am molded in her image. i always struggled finding a place where my heart rested. 3 separate countries coming together to make me i never felt like i really belonged to any. too much of this or too much of that. not enough of this and not enough of that. but my little town that my immigrant parents chose to raise me in… out of all the places we could’ve ended up … the land that gave me life. that will forever be where i’m from. my native and immigrant community that fights through the seasons with me. the stars that covered the night sky like a blanket. i don’t see the stars much if at all in the city. my body may go places beyond my childhood imagination, but my heart forever lives in the country.

forever a desert mountain girl.

[mokimou]

[mokimou]

[mokimou]

my nest through hibernation

[mokimou]

11 year old me knew what’s up

[mokimou]

smell of camphor . thank you blingee

[mokimou]

i don’t know if i can keep dragging myself out of bed . it’s starting to feel like my final resting place

[mokimou]

[mokimou]

i just want to be a normal girl .. why do i have to be this way. why am i bad ..

[mokimou]

a human heart is way too heavy & i’ve never been strong.

i can’t talk about this. i don’t even know how to talk about it. i don’t know what’s real and what’s fake. do i really truly feel this way or am i just manic? am i just being impulsive with my emotions? how do you tell? does it even matter at all? where do i draw the line on what emotions to validate and which ones to pay no mind to..?

i don’t know how to navigate this ship.

i want to scream and scream and scream as loud as i possibly can. i want to push the limits of my vocal chords to the point where i can never use my voice again. i want to shout from the deepest part of my soul. . .

but im not sure i should.

high highs and low lows.. how do i know what’s real? i want to listen to my heart. i want to trust my instinct. i want to really want something. if my entire life has been nothing but waves building up tens of feet high .. only to come crashing on the shoreline. no trace of it remaining ..

how do i know which emotions to chase and which ones to run far away from?

when the high highs and low lows feel so permanent and extreme it’s hard to see anything but it. i don’t know how to navigate this ship and i’m scared of it crashing and me going overboard. i don’t know how to swim. i want to be rescued.

im tired. my body is exhausted and beaten from the constant storm in the depths of my rib cage. i try so hard to put words to all of this, but i just feel like i’m gasping for air at the bottom of the ocean. i want to be heard, but how can that happen if i can’t even speak?

it’s not supposed to be this hard, is it? i didn’t used to be. i used to have so many words to say when it came to my emotions. i could go on and on for hours and speak so beautifully about it all. i know i need to rediscover my voice but i don’t know how to do that. how can i trust my emotions, my mind, myself- when all i’ve ever been met with is betrayal?

i want to be a normal girl.

[mokimou]

learning and growing . taking my swimming lessons so i can confidently follow my heart .

[mokimou]

[mokimou]

[mokimou]

i’ve always been on my best behavior with you and you’ll never know.

[mokimou]

i can’t grasp the idea of not knowing who you are anymore.

of not knowing your favorite food or what song you have on repeat. i can’t stand the idea of you not knowing me. that’s why i’m quietly dropping a trail of breadcrumbs everywhere i go.

my favorite soda is pepsi. i smoke lucky strikes. i have a large scar on my right arm from a burn on the pan. it happened twice. i called out sick from work last thursday. i went home and saw my mom two months ago. i’ve done three new cosplays. my sister is having a baby boy this month.

i don’t want you to not know me when you’ve always seen right into my soul, but i’m afraid you wouldn’t recognize the girl you’d see today. i don’t think you’d like her and i don’t want to accept that. i want to know everything about you until the day i die.