grace on fire

follow my journey back to grace through the inner exploration of feelings, emotions and surrender to find what's true in my heart and soul.

[mollynicolemurphy]

The Text

The Trauma.

I started this blog a few short weeks after I got a text that changed the trajectory of my life.

I had finally started to feel my feelings. I was cracked open at a trauma retreat and a lot of the anger and sadness had surfaced. It was a lot... And a week after that I turned 40 years old.

Then two weeks after that I was coming to terms with major life decisions around not having the marriage and children I'd always thought I'd have, because I chose him...

But he left. He said he left because he thought I was ruining his life. He left because he was constantly trying to make me happy and could not. He left because he didn't want the role of protector or parent.

At a time when I finally met someone where I felt so safe. He was the very first person I felt completely and totally exposed around and the only person who ever made me feel safe enough to be completely vulnerable and emotionally raw.

It was so messy when I finally cracked open. It was painful and I had held on so fucking tight to all of those emotions for so many years. About a month after the breakup, I journeyed with plant medicine and found even deeper depths of my soul that got to heal.

And now, here we are again... A new relationship. A lost phone and AT&T service disruption.

[mollynicolemurphy]

Anxious Attachment

It feels like a chest caving, mind racing nightmare. A shit storm of attachment wounds, riddled with fear, insecurities and false beliefs.

My old behaviors were to reach out for alternative male attention other than the man I’ve committed to in relationship, just to ease the discomfort.

And today, I just call friends… tell them the tales of my dramatic reaction to feeling ignored, disregarded, abandoned. I make up even scarier stories of how I’ll never hear from him again, because I’m insane and unworthy.

It’s pure torture.

I had a successful work day, closed some deals, made good decisions, went to a meeting, went to dinner with my neighbor, watched part of Dune and came home to text my best friend because I just haven’t been able to stop spinning in this attachment storm.

I feel guilty for wanting more attention, communication, calls and texts. I feel like a spoiled rotten princess talking to everyone else about my issues with him but him.

I am struggling with changing my behaviors around not complaining, criticizing, etc. all the watchwords.

God…. I am seeking you.

[mollynicolemurphy]

Practice

I met a real king, a real fucking king. And I finally get to practice everything I learned since my last breakup...

And it's terrifying. I'm so scared to be hurt again. I'm so scared to remain open to receive.

I didn't think I even liked him. I wanted to find whatever I could to make him wrong/ bad and not for me.

Yet he pursued, he prevailed and he kept "being my friend" as the trust built.

God has such a funny way of giving me what I need.

I'm about to stop resisting. Start being present and wait for all the magic to unfold. He's pretty special. I'm so lucky.

[mollynicolemurphy]

"Being human is not for the faint of heart. Pain comes easily — for there are many sources of suffering — and the ordinary human experience can be tough. But joy, deep connection and beautiful accomplishments require more than intelligence and endurance. They require the courage to examine our inheritance as human beings, and a dedication to being free of its limitations." — Alison Armstrong

[mollynicolemurphy]

[mollynicolemurphy]

“A Spiritual Relationship isn’t necessarily one where two people are smiling all the time. Spiritual means to be above all else, authentic. Real work can only appear in the presence of rigorous honesty. We all long for that, but we are afraid of honestly communicating with another person, because we think they will leave us if they see who we really are.” - Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

[mollynicolemurphy]

Connect with Aphrodite, the goddess of self-love. Here are some ways you can connect with her to discover a greater love for yourself.

[mollynicolemurphy]

[mollynicolemurphy]

Redefining Red Flags- I want to paint them all white…

It definitely hurt to hear: “I ignored all the red flags I saw about you from the start.” Ouch. Woof. I’ve been sitting with that one for the past two weeks and ultimately it has been information to help me grow. Which I love and I’m grateful for this truth. I’m in a place where deeply want to know and understand what other peoples experience of me is, because without loving relationships that can gently share their truth and act as a mirror… I may think I’m showing up one way, but it could be landing very differently for others. So let me relate this to red flags...

A red flag is something that signals a problem… so let’s look at it like this: what if we took it as the warning it is ended to be. What if we started to ask ourselves: What is it about this persons behavior that doesn’t feel good to me and why? Then taking it to the next level is how can I communicate that to this person as quickly as possible and ask for what I need? What if that person doesn’t understand their behavior? What if no one ever explained to them how it could feel triggering, hurtful, etc. What if that behavior was something they learned from their parents, because that’s how they were treated and they literally don’t know any different? What if that red flag is just an open wound that is still bleeding out and no one has ever offered to help stitch it up? It’s then and only then can we start to look at these so called red flags with empathy and compassion. They are character wounds, survival traits and learned behaviors that not everyone even understands they have. In my case, I definitely did not before it was too late.

Because I didn’t get very specific information on my red flags, I’ve been educating myself on Men vs Women. Mars vs Venus. Masculine vs Feminine. And wow, I realize I’ve been doing nothing but waving what society calls red flags all over for the past 40 years, but especially so in my last relationship. And going even deeper than the behavior, there is a belief system that lies underneath of distrust, lack of acceptance, judgement, confusion, self hate and lots of other intense things I didn’t even know were there. Parts of me that have been controlling me to sabotage myself, childhood programming so deep I couldn’t see that it wasn’t who I really am or want to be and societal programming that I was so indoctrinated by it was ruling every ounce of my existence.

In my opinion the term red flag as it relates to a persons character wounds or behavior feels blaming and shaming. So what if we could call them white flags? White flags are the sign of truce which is an agreement to stop fighting. When someone presents in a way that feels uncomfortable for us, it invites us to a loving energy of surrender to get curious and compassionate. This way we can dispose of anger or any energy that makes anyone “wrong” in the situation. It’s definitely possible! What do you think?

[mollynicolemurphy]

If I added a theme song to the moment I discovered my cave with buried treasures, it would be this. If you don’t know what I mean… jump to Oh Captain, My Captain and read that next.

[mollynicolemurphy]

When we thought we celebrating the end of a journey four years ago… I now realize it was only just the beginning…

I thank every goddess under the stars for this woman. And if you know anything about our friendship it’s been nothing short of interesting. In fact, we didn’t speak for almost two years. Looking back we both agree that we needed to separate to grow and the timing was perfectly divine for our reunion. There has been so many paralleled breakthroughs, so many learnings and hard conversations… but I can honestly say I don’t think there is another woman on the planet that holds me as high as she. My Mermaid Queen, my best friend and the woman that helps me stay centered in love and inspires me to grow every day. God Bless this friendship that teaches me to soften, be vulnerable and unconditionally loving at every turn.

[mollynicolemurphy]

[mollynicolemurphy]

Joan of Arc… She did need her sword to survive, like I did. But I laid it down. I now wear it around my neck to honor my battle and remember that in order to stay in my feminine power… I must NEVER pick it back up and emasculate a man ever again.

[mollynicolemurphy]

She took the words right outta my mouth here… Thank you random woman in the audience at an Alison Armstrong workshop! #soundon

[mollynicolemurphy]

“You may wish to be loving – you may even try with all your might – but your love will never be pure unless you are free from resentment. When we are free from resentment, loving is effortless. When we have to try hard to love, this is generally a sign that we are repressing our resentments...” -John Gray

[mollynicolemurphy]

[mollynicolemurphy]

“Take time off to give to yourself, in a sense to fill yourself up to fullness, to where now you can overflow in giving.” -John Gray