My difficult journey

This is my journey since my son Ethan died in October 2013. I will occasionally post my feelings. I am Ethan's mother and always will be. Love is the greatest of all and love never dies. #bereaved mother #grieving #childloss #loss of a child #Ethan...

[momofethan]

This is craptober for us. The month my son died and my mother. The day of Ethan's death has passed and we are still grieving and sad and grateful. Grateful to all those who remembered with us and sent their love. Remembering together in person is so much nicer; we missed gathering with family and friends this year. There were so many quotes regarding grieving I wanted to share and so throughout the rest of October I'll be posting these quotes. Please be kind to us and patient during this time. Peace and love always. This is where we spent part of our day on 10/18 with tears and reflecting. "Grief comes to one and all; no one is exempt. We must remember our dead. We must do better for the bereaved. We must embody compassion. To be redeemed we must remember. Remembering is our duty---- and the only thing that will save us. Dr. Joanne Cacciatore #allforethan #grief #griefwarrior #bereavedmom #love #thosewhogrieve

[momofethan]

Today marks 4 years since our son Ethan died. Four years doesn't seem that long ago and yet it has been 1,460 days which feels like a lifetime. We are in California and three hours behind the east coast. Today I awoke to several friends and family who reached out. I've shed many good tears because they remembered and many sad tears that it has to be this way. I post more often on Instagram these days but cannot let this day pass without writing something. Since I am struggling to find the words today I will leave you with several quotes which speak to my heart. "To love deeply is one of life's most profound gifts, and the loss of a loved one is one of life's most profound tragedies. That they can happen simultaneously and that we somehow manage to, one day, find even a morsel of joy in our hearts again are profoundly and wonderfully mysterious." Dr. Joanne Cacciatore "Some torn places cannot be patched." Rumi "Grief is love turned into an eternal missing... It can't be contained in hours or days or minutes." Rosamund Lupton "But there is no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer." Viktor Frankl #allforethan

[momofethan]

Collateral Beauty

I should be packing but I have a little story to tell.

There is a little boy that moved into our neighborhood after Ethan died. His parents take him for many walks. He's around 3 or 4. When Bryan and I would be sitting by the front windows, the little boy would walk by and run up and down our brick walkway and we would watch from the window.

When we were cleaning out Ethan's dinosaurs Bryan set aside a handful to give to this boy. This was about a year ago. The rest went to a little boy who loved dinosaurs and his sister was very sick with cancer.

Bryan never gave those dinosaurs to the little boy.

Today a neighbor was helping us move a couch and I was holding the front door. There was the little boy and his Dad at the end of our walkway. He was playing with a big truck. I ran inside and grabbed the dinosaurs and said, "Would you like some dinosaurs to put inside your truck?" The little boy looked at his dad who said, "what do you think?" The little boy responded, "yes" and ran right over to me. I piled them into his hands and he began to put them inside the truck.

A few minutes later, I was still outside enjoying the beautiful morning and the little boy was returning from his walk. He was holding the two large dinosaurs. He yelled up to me "Look! I have a tyrannosaurus and a brontosaurus." The father looked at me and said, "I don't know how he knows the names." I looked at him and smiled as I silently said to myself, "Oh I know how he knows their names. Oh yes I do."

[momofethan]

F&%K!!! WHY!!!

There is no f&%king normal.

Your child died!

Scream, cry, wail and be horrified at the

injustice of it all.

Feel it all. Feel everything.

Your life is broken and will

never be the same.

But NO!!  

Culturally this society doesn’t allow

you to feel.

“Move on; celebrate their life.”

Be proud of holding it together and 

not breaking down.

F&%K That!!!

Why does society make it this way? 

Why am I so different?

Why do I wail at the horribleness of

a death out of order?

I want to scream to the world.

STOP!!!!

Someone’s child has died.  

Their world has stopped.

The world is at a crawl now.

Say yes to the pain,

say yes to the grief,

say yes to the anger,

say yes to the unraveling.

Let it break you apart,

crack you open,

tear you down so you are unrecognizable.

It should, your child died!!

Wallow

Tell people when they say hurtful words.

Teach them.

Don’t numb out because when the love

comes you cannot be transformed or even feel it.

In order to feel the love,

you have to reach the darkest depths of your soul.

[momofethan]

My tribe. www.onevoiceyoga.com #onevoice #love #yes #yoga

[momofethan]

I did it! I am now a certified yoga instructor! It's been an incredible experience. An amazing group of leaders and fellow students. All of us together finding our one voice. www.onevoiceyoga.com #onevoice #love #mywords #sayyes #yes #teacher #yoga #yogaforgrief

[momofethan]

Dear Ethan,

Where do I begin?  I'll start by telling you we are selling our home.  It's been the plan for quite some time even before your death and you knew of the plan.

Remember our first home in North Reading?  We loved that house and our time there.  It was our starter home where we lived for 7 years. This was our home where you first met all of your family; where you ate your first foods; spoke your first words and took your first steps.   Although we loved our first home, we left it easily to move into this home.  You were 5 years old and about to enter Kindergarten.

When searching for our second home we wanted a neighborhood where you could play freely and ride your bike.  Our first home was on a very busy road. We preferred a newer house because our last home was a 100-year-old farmhouse that constantly needed maintenance.  The first time driving through this neighborhood there were children selling lemonade.  The streets were lined with pretty homes and yards.  We immediately had a sense of a childhood we envisioned.  Little did we know how this neighborhood and town would help make your life so imperfectly perfect.

So many neighbors had children the same age as you.  Immediately you made a friend in Connor who lived around the corner and just moved into the neighborhood.  Then you made more and more friends.  You played in our yard, in neighbors' yards; you rode your bike and walked to school.  You swam in neighbors' pools and played in large groups. This turned out to be the quintessential neighborhood and we loved it.  

Through middle school, your friend list grew and soon we were the house on Friday afternoons that gathered all of them.  At times it was hard to keep track of them all but I enjoyed the chaos.  Our basement held many gatherings and sleepovers during the middle and high school years. I miss those days Ethan.  

What I miss the most about those days are making you toast in the morning before school.  Hearing you sing in the shower.  I miss having you sit at the table for dinner humming at each bite.  I miss sitting next to you on the couch watching movies, football or baseball games.  I miss you in this house, Ethan. The irony now is you would most likely be living out on your own and I would miss these things either way. But somehow it's different when you are no longer physically here.  You want to hold onto anything and everything that contained part of our lives together.

After you died Ethan, this home became our sanctuary.  A home we found comforting, as we would wonder in your room sensing your essence.  Our grief and sorrow were sacredly held in this home.

When you were going off to college, we spoke of the house being too big for us and our plan was to downsize.  Thankfully you knew of our plan to downsize and it’s one of the few things sustaining me.  We've worked so hard in minimizing our "stuff" and preparing the house to sell.  I've thanked everything I have sold or given away and I tried my best to be mindful of every step.  How did I think that would make it easier?  Now that the house is listed and the sign is on the lawn I cannot contain my tears.  They flow freely for all the life this house contained.  I am so tired Ethan and it hurts to let go of our home!  I hope the new owners love this house and neighborhood in the ways we did.

I do know you will be with us every step of the way guiding us in the right direction.

Love and miss you always, Mom

[momofethan]

A perfect day to find a snow heart. Thanks for the love! Happy Valentine's Day Ethan! We miss you always and love you forever. #valentines #love #grief #childloss #misshim

[momofethan]

Hey Ethan,

Well we survived our 4th Christmas without you or so I thought.  Escaping to St. John Virgin Island is certainly gentler on our souls. We spend our days hiking and sitting on beautiful beaches.  We are grateful for the ability to spend our time this way.  We look and find the beauty all around us.  We feel the warm breezes and experience the warm, turquoise water.   We see all the love you send our way.  We are thankful the holiday is downplayed on the island and there are very few decorations and lights.  We are grateful for the casual restaurants with no holiday music being played.  This helps us relax and find moments of peace.

 However one doesn’t completely escape the holidays.  Here we are home and the sadness and longing and ache for you arrive.  I welcome them all including the tears for they are also my love for you.

 I try to sit with memories of Christmases past but I don’t have many.  I search through the limited Christmas photos to see if anything conjures a memory but I only find some faded ones.  We downplayed the holidays, as we didn’t want you to be a spoiled only child.  One year we would go overboard with gifts and then the next barely give enough trying to balance it all.  That’s what I can remember.  I do remember on Christmas Day it being us three and occasionally Grandma.   At times I felt lonely because it was only the three of us.  Isn’t that ironic because now it’s the two of us and I am grateful for us two because eventually there will only be one of us.

 Even though I don’t remember specific Christmases past, I do feel your absence immensely.  I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to celebrate or even acknowledge the holiday again.  Maybe it’s too soon to think those thoughts.  I do mourn the Christmas futures, the ones where there may have been a daughter-in-law and grandchildren.  The Christmases we’ll never have so I try not to spend too much time thinking of those.

 What I remember most is the ordinary days and loving you and being with you.  That is what I remember Ethan.  That is what I miss most, the ordinary days.

 Ethan, I know you are fine and you spent time with Grandma letting us know you love us still.

 We miss you endlessly and love you forever.  Until we see you, we will carry on with love in our hearts.

 Love Mom xoxo

[momofethan]

But I wanted more...

“Out of every person in this world, you were chosen to be their parent. Out of every person in this world, you are the ones who were chosen to know them, better than anyone, to be theirs, to have your souls tied together for eternity. Out of every person in this world, it was you, it is you, and it always will be you.” - Lexi Behrndt

“I thank God everyday that he allowed me to be the mother of my son and treasure every memory we made together.” - bereaved parent comment

When I see these statements, I say oh how I wish I could feel this way. First let me tell you that I DO feel this way BUT and there is always a but. But I want more memories and I wasn’t done parenting my son. But I wanted a daughter in law and grandchildren. But I wanted to see who he would become as a full fledged adult and to see what kind of work he would be engaged in. But I wanted to see the ups and downs of his life and be there as a supportive parent. But I wanted to participate in his life. But I wanted someone to be there as I aged and help me like I helped my mom. But I wanted him around, calling to say hi, and coming by for dinner. But I wanted to celebrate the holidays with him. I wanted all of this and more. So yes, I am ever so grateful to have been my son’s mother and to be chosen as his parent and I am grateful for the memories that we shared and made BUT I wasn’t ready for it to be over.

[momofethan]

Finding Inner Peace On My Journey

Yesterday was the 3-year anniversary of my son’s death.  I have mostly walked my journey mindfully and intentionally.  Nearly each step I take is in honor of my son and myself.  What I am seeking in this journey is an inner peace.  

An inner peace to me does not mean I will walk through this life not having all the range of emotions; instead when those emotions appear I will welcome them.  I will not run from any of those feelings such as sadness, anger, anxiety which many of us are uncomfortable with feeling.  This is not an easy journey and many times I fail.  I find myself failing most when I am around non-bereaved people basically walking around this world.  

What I am accomplishing is finding those tender moments of being right here right now.  Nature surroundings support me in this accomplishment.  Walking in the woods, watching life and death all around you sensing each breath as I navigate nature and all it’s light.  What I hope to accomplish is an acceptance of my life and journey bringing me closer to inner peace.

I’ve read this book twice “The Afterlife of Billie Fingers” by Annie Kagan and there are so many wonderful quotes from this book but this is one of my favorites.  “Spend time in nature when you have a burden to bare. Nature has the most light than any other place on earth.”

May we all find our path to inner peace.  Blessings and love to all of you.  

[momofethan]

Ethan love in the Grand Canyon. One of my favorite pictures. "Live an adventurous life" EPC #love #grandcanyon #grief #ibelieve #signs

[momofethan]

Disability in Grief

I have a disability. You cannot see it with the naked eye but it has disabled me. My memory is no longer clear. My heart is broken. My energy is low. Some days it's hard to face the day. But this disability has awoken me to know there is more than this life. Every moment no matter what you are doing is precious. Blessings and mercy to us all.

[momofethan]

We did it! Even though I am doing the canyon shuffle resulting from an injured knee the hike was quite the accomplishment. 23.9 miles in 2 days. #grandcanyon #r2r #rimtorim #canyonshuffle

[momofethan]

A must see #antelopecanyon #beauty #feedsthesoul (at Lower Antelope Canyon- Arizona)

[momofethan]

Grief can be so narcissistic.  It’s hard to think of others when you are suffering a huge loss especially in the beginning.

There are three things I need from others in my life.  

1.  To talk about my son Ethan.

2. To tell you about my grief journey with acceptance from you.

3. To cry without you being uncomfortable.

If you can give me those three things, I am grateful to have you in my life and glad to continue our relationship.  I can then begin to ask what’s going on in your life.

It takes a special person to allow us this space and stick it out for the long haul.

[momofethan]

This is what grief looks like. I know people only want to see pretty pictures and this is far from pretty. I'm not sharing for sympathy. I am sharing so you know that grief doesn't go away. Yes there are days I can smile and then there are days that knock you over like today. It will soon be three years since my son Ethan died. #grief #bereavedmother #sadness #crying