moon.lit.stars on ig✩

annarasumanara 🌌

[moon-lit-stars]

Hozier wrote "offer me that deathless death" and "The only heaven I'll be sent to is when I'm alone with you." I have not been the same ever since

[moon-lit-stars]

and just because you don’t ask for much does not mean you deserve to be given the bare minimum and expected to be grateful for it. you deserve to be met. you deserve to be considered without having to remind someone of your existence. you deserve a kind of love that does not make you question yourself, that does not make you feel like you are asking for too much when all you want is to be treated with care. you deserve something that lets you breathe. something that does not require you to shrink in order to stay.

- gor (just because you don't require much doesn't mean you deserve the bare minimum)

[moon-lit-stars]

i’ve always thought language is one of the most sacred things we have. the way we say things — the rhythm, the weight, the silence between words, that’s how we’re known. and when someone begins to shift that in you, when their presence shows up in your sentences, your tone, your silence… that’s not small. that’s love, in one of its purest forms

- gor (the intimacy of adapting each other's vocabulary, tones and typings)

[moon-lit-stars]

Maybe feeling lost isn’t really the end of something but the beginning. Instead of mourning the past versions of myself, maybe all I need to do is accept change and gently carry each version of myself forward as I grow. To keep hoping is my own, secret sort of revolution and perhaps that is enough.

Time continues to pass but maybe, just maybe, I’ll learn to move with it.

- Memz (the quiet grief of growing up)

[moon-lit-stars]

This person and I are estranged for reasons beyond my control. And don’t go thinking I like them, miss them, or even think of them often… I don’t. I really don’t. But I feel close to them. So close. Closer than I do to that one ex who’d come up to me in public with that awkward, yet familiar half-smile, like he just saw a ghost he once made out with. Or closer than to the people I grew up with and naturally grew apart from, those who knew me best and whom I’ve parted with amicably. It’s strange. This person and I ended on bad terms. So bad, in fact, that I can’t even pinpoint where it all went wrong. But somehow, I still feel more connected to them than anyone else.

- Maisa (the intimacy of never speaking again)

[moon-lit-stars]

Nothing you become will disappoint me; I have no preconception that I’d like to see you be or do. I have no desire to foresee you, only to discover you. You can’t disappoint me.

- Mary Haskell in a letter to Kahlil Gibran

[moon-lit-stars]

If time is slipping through your fingers, the answer isn’t to mourn childhood — it’s to reawaken the part of you that paid attention. And you don’t need grand, cinematic moments to access it. You don’t need to move to another country or quit your job or go on a soul-searching journey through some mountains halfway across the globe.

You only need to do what your childhood self did effortlessly — notice.

- Yana Yuhai

[moon-lit-stars]

and maybe that’s what this whole essay is really about — the emotional contradiction of feeling more fulfilled than ever and yet, somehow, still incomplete. not because something’s wrong, but because change is not a clean transaction. it comes with residue. it drags the past into the room and asks you to sit with it, not erase it.

- "what it really feels like to fall in love with your new life while grieving your past" by milk and cookies

[moon-lit-stars]

the love that lingers the longest is often the one that never had a chance to begin. no first dates, no fights, no mornings where you realize you’ve stopped trying. it never had to survive the slow decay of closeness. there was no unraveling, because there was nothing to unravel. and instead, it lives inside you like something preserved. sealed off, untouched, impossible to kill. a perfect idea, unsullied by reality.

- Caitlyn

[moon-lit-stars]

I wonder how many people I’ve missed without telling them. How many times have I let a moment pass without reaching for someone, without saying the thing that aches to be said? And yet, is it not enough to simply hold someone in your mind, to let missing them be an internal thing, quiet and private?

- Amanda Brown

[moon-lit-stars]

[moon-lit-stars]

There is a place east of home

That bears witness of generations

Where you store the happy memories in frames

And sad memories in locked chests

The corner café table with your initials

The scent of warmth and fresh bread

Watching the sun go down out the window

Seeing its lover the moon come out

Empty coffee cups hold illicit affairs

Polaroids filled with smiles

Hearts void of little joys

These little things are what we live for

These litte things are what we die for

Wooden door frames

Twinkling tubelights

Wall full of cutouts

And air full of rusty defiant naive youth

Sunlight hits the worn out desk

Bringing nostalgia pouring in with it

The beginning is as real as the end

Now sunlight shines on a marble counter

Making tiny rainbows all over (little joys)

Familiar footsteps echo

Tin boxes lined on dusty shelves

I am a creature of habit

Bound to circle back to my roots

This place east of home

Bears witness to all the hearts it owns

[moon-lit-stars]

Falling in love in the rain sounds like a movie

Like in the movies when two people who are poles apart meet

Under the stormy sky under an umbrella and feel a thunder in themselves like the sky above

In reality falling in love feels more intense

like the thundering rain making window's and your nerves rattle

Falling in love when you least expect it sounds like a novel

Like in a novel when you feel drained of purpose

Then suddenly you run into someone who excites you and gives you purpose

Like you had been waiting for them to show up all your life

In reality falling in love sometimes feels expected and terrifying

like snow in a dry cold winter

Falling in love amidst the hassle of life sounds like a sitcom

Like in a sitcom where you lead a busy life trying to earn your name

Along comes a person full of support and warmth

In reality falling in love feels more complicated but somehow they

they feel like the first sip of coffee after a long long day

Falling in love with someone you've known forever sounds like a rom-com

Like in a rom-com where it is obvious you will end up together to everyone but you two

Like it was a realisation you both are meant to have sooner or later

In reality falling in love with the familiarity feels like every part of you is being cut up and laid bare

like you're asking the other to love you anyways but too afraid to accept the new form of love

Falling in love will never be an easy thing to do like in the movies

Even after saying i do or finding your home after being broken multiple times

Like in novels not many like a sad ending because why feel hopeless in the fantasy world too?

In reality falling in love can never feel the same way it did for the first time or the second or the seventh

It can never be put into words by any person

That's how people love

Wholly longingly achingly madly

Like red strings of faith tightening with every step closer.

[moon-lit-stars]

Desperation

/ˌdɛspəˈreɪʃn/

[ noun ]

a state of despair, typically one which results in rash or extreme behaviour.

Desperation

The feeling i feel when i think of you

When i imagine your lips on mine

My hand around your waist

And my head clouds with thoughts of you

Desperation

The state of wanting but never getting what you want

When i look at you and catch your eyes looking back

And my mind stops processing the words coming out my own mouth

Desperation

The feeling of nerve wracking desire

When i feel my heart race at the lightest touch

And my head goes blank static like a tv screen

Desperation

The state in which i live knowing my mind and body aches for yours the way it never has before.

The state in which every part of me feels more yours than mine.

Desperation

The state where one rash decision, one wrong step would expose me completely.

The state where i repeat your name over and over waiting for you to hear me and say it back.

The state where every touch of yours feels like leaving.

Desperation hedonism desire

The feeling i drown in every single time you call out my name.

I think about you like it is the oxygen in my lungs

As if thoughts of you keep me alive

And my head is filled with nothing but

desperation

and you.

[moon-lit-stars]

Your name feels unfamiliar in my mouth

I hesitate when i call out your name

It feels unfamiliar on the tip of my tongue

It feels unfamiliar when your lips meet mine

And i i i hesitate

Not knowing what to call you

Your name too unfamiliar and anything else a scam

My mind knows every inch of yours

Yet your name isn't one of them

Saying your names fills me up with nervous recklessly restless energy

I feel it ripple through every fibre of my being

Human lives are feeble

Hearts are fragile

And names a fraud

My voice feels unknown when it says your name

So tell me now, my darling love

What do i call you if not by your own name?

Do i call you mine or do i repeat your name

Till it feels as familiar as your fingers in my hair and my lips on your lips

Whisper your name against your lips again and again

Till it consumes me whole

Till i only know your name

Till i only know you

Till i only know the feeling

Till everything else i know becomes unfamiliar instead

[moon-lit-stars]

Your name is a golden bell hung in my heart. I would break my body to pieces to call you once by your name.

Peter S. Beagle, The Last Unicorn

[moon-lit-stars]

'You make me feel like I'm in a fever dream

Darling you give me whiplash'

All I wanted was the easy kind of love

The kind of feelings people wrote about forevermore

But love is a mess and it leaves you in an even bigger mess

It leaves a sour taste in your throat

It leaves.

My every heartbeat calls your name

My every heartline forms your name

My every breath longs for yours

My every nerve yearns for your touch

Would you call this love or delirium?

At nights when I lay awake

I hate how much I miss you yet

Not the you that made us us never the you that made you and I 'us'

But the you that made us you and I

We were almost like Damon and Pythias.

How do I forget the things that are engraved on me?

In a small part of my brain waiting for something to spark it

It lays low not thinking about it ever

But when it comes out it stings like the first time I engraved it on my hide.

You try to say something but hold it back in

Holding it back till it eats you up inside

You know letting it out would be like poking a sleeping dragon

There are 99 outcomes to letting it out and 98 of them end in disasters

Disrupting the smug peace that settles.

So I let the words die in my throat

Unexplained and never heard

How do you let them out without knowing the intensity they hold?

The power to comprehend words was always foreign to me

So I kill the words and stay thoughtless instead.

I miss so many people at the same time that I think

I'm more the version of them I remember

Than myself.

Reasons and excuses sound the same when it's a matter of heart

You fall in love once but it kills you a thousands times.