Deep deep deep down..i really hate myself. I am not who i think i am in my mind.

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@morbidhov
Deep deep deep down..i really hate myself. I am not who i think i am in my mind.
This could possibly be my last August experiencing true freedom, being alive. They keep telling me ny lights are off.
This might help me be understood one day.
A vibe.
It hurts to love you
But I still love you
It’s just the way I feel
And I’d be lying
If I kept hiding
The fact that I can’t deal
And that I’ve been dying
For something real
That I’ve been dying
For something real
13 beaches / Lana del rey
something separates me from other people
People roam Earth interacting with each other as if sanity is expected 100% of the time
It’s a littttle weird, living life day to day, smiling and interacting with others, looking at everyone as if everything is okay. As if it’s a sure thing they’ll see me the next day. Knowing you’re not gonna be around for much longer makes everything seem so worthless but at the same time, worthy. Worthy of still being experienced while it can be i guess. I guess that’s why i always day dream about Silvia. I wish she’d call me and tell me she’s coming the fuck over to drown me in hugs and kisses as i roll for us. I guess day dreaming it is. Guessing, guessing, guessing.
I can’t stop thinking of Silvia. Piecing so much together. Feeling hurt. Like, she never wanted to delete her ex from social media while we lived together. I mentioned it to her, she downplayed it. Then ended up eating his dick after abandoning our relationship. Eating his dick while i was in her home, making it more home-y for her. Spending time and money while she was out drunk getting fucked. Then comes back home, fucks me, and i get a bump on my lip that is now forever part of me. I hurt her, but she killed my soul and will never know the extremities of it. Silvia was MY person. MY soul. She spoke things i felt & couldn’t put into words myself. I beyond love her, ‘till this day. Idk how. My heart just beats her. Everything reminds me of her. I can’t be in the Heights, 145, 135, 125, anywhere in Harlem cause it all reminds me of her. Anytime i’m in the upper east side, even worse. People say you have to depend on yourself, but i believe the opposite. The same way we depend on family and close friends, we should be able to depend on significant others. To understand how deep things are. To realize we’re all connected and can’t only worry about our own selves. Our world dependa on procreation but yet we make it seem like living a life alone is perfectly normal. Lets normalize letting others know the raw importance of their presence in our lives. How much of a “glue” they are for us. Silvia told me she wouldn’t know what to do with herself if something happened to Angel, & truth be told, i felt her every word cause she is my Angel.
Everloving - Moby