Just A Girl And Her Two Dogs

Figuring out what makes me happy

[morganphenderson]

January - Detoxing my life

Dry January started out as me not drinking wine for a month. Not because I feel I drink too much but because I feel I was using it as a way to escape dealing with the everyday stresses of life.

As I have stated in the past, I struggle with depression and this winter it has been an issue for me that I am doing my best to deal with so I do not get back to a place a don’t want to be.

Alcohol is a depressant so removing it from my life seemed like a smart first step. I was using it to try and numb the feelings I was having with other situations in my life but I began noticing it was just making things worse. I was not the person I wanted to be. I did not want to be around anyone, I cried all the time, I had no energy and just wanted to sleep. All signs of depression. I needed to make some changes.

I took a look at my current situations and decided I was the only one who could turn me around. I said good bye to wine. Or at least see you later. After a few weeks I started to feel a bit better. I wasn’t completely “healed” but I could see things were starting to change for the better.

I took it upon myself to start clearing out other things in my life that weren’t “bringing me joy” as Marie Kondo would say. It’s hard, to say the least, letting things go. To make significant changes. But sometimes, things that are in your life, things you thought you couldn’t live without, are actually the things that are weighing you down, preventing you from being your best self.

I replaced the negative with positive. I started going to the gym more, trying new classes and making new friends. I’ve been focusing on myself and how I want to grow myself, personally and professionally. In one month I can already say I’m happy with the person I’m becoming.

I’ve made it one month and although the first part of letting go was hard, day by day it is getting easier. I don’t crave it. I don’t miss it. I don’t reach for it when I’m feeling stressed or down. I’m feeling more like the person I used to be and the person I want to be.

I may tango with it once in a while on a special occasion but I am consciously finding was to replace it with things that bring joy into my life and allow me to improve myself on the daily. To be the best person I can be and want to be.

XO

MH

[morganphenderson]

This year, improved me

I’m not one for New Years Resolutions. Committing to something for a whole year is pretty challenging for me and there isnt really anything I want to change. I do, however, always want to improve, to make myself feel better, physically and emotionally.

So for the next 12 months I will choose something to work on. It takes 3 weeks to form a habit so I will commit for a month and reassess how I feel.

Below is a list of what I plan on doing to improve my already awesome self:

- No wine

- Eat vegan

- Exercise daily

- Learn an instrument

- Live simply (buy only necessities )

- No sugar

- Run 300km in a month

- Meditate everyday

- Read every night (instead of watching tv)

- Be Positive (say something nice to everyone you talk to)

- Spend more time with friends

- Do yoga more ( sub 1-2 workouts weekly)

Cheers to a year of the same old slightly improved me.

[morganphenderson]

The Year I Rebuild Myself

2016, you’ve been a real bitch. It’s been a year since I’ve been here and I’m back for some different reasons. 

As many people know, I deal with depression. I have openly talked about it in the past and after a lot of struggling and with much support I was able to get myself to a place where I was happy with myself and my life.

Then came along 2016. It came in strong and began throwing punches, beating my down until I just couldn’t get back up. And it is because of this why I am here. I’m pretty good at not talking about how I feel, keeping things to myself and trying to never complain.

But I’ve realized that holding every little thought and emotion in has taken me back to a place I never wanted to be. 

This year has been a tough one and I’ve done my best to stay positive, reminding myself that everything happens for a reason. But there comes a point when those words start losing meaning.

There were things that happened this year that were so great, so many accomplishments.  But there were many things that I wish I could forget or I wish didn’t happen.  I’ve let these not so great things take over how I feel about myself. 

And this is why I came back here. I needed a place where I could put my feelings into words. So I can get back to who I was. Self doubt is hard to get passed. I am using this as a place to come and let everything out so I can let it go. 

2017 will be all about the year I rebuild myself.......because everything happens for a reason. 

Let the purging begin.

[morganphenderson]

2015 it’s been real

I kind of fell off the wagon for November. I had originally said i was going to do a body building competition but after thinking about it I changed my mind. I really had no interest in it so I definitely was not going to put the work in and lets be honest here, I like food way too much. So for the month of November and December I reflected on the many things I did do over the year.

2015 was a year of so many challenges. I tried so many new things and in the end found some new loves. I learned that being scared was ok and sometimes exhilarating. I made so many new friends and my heart grew three sizes this year from all the love and support I received. Things aren’t so scary when you have people holding your hand and cheering you on every step of the way.

A year ago I was a different person. I wasn’t sure what I wanted or where I wanted to be. I took this year to step out of my comfort zone and try to “find myself” as the kids say. As the year comes to an end I’m not sure I accomplished this but I did accomplish a lot. I may not be where I want to be in life yet or even know where that is in fact but I’m a lot closer than I was and I have no regrets.

I am stepping into 2016 wanting to be better and stronger than I was in 2015. I want to do more and keep stepping out of my comfort zone, it’s a cozy place but I’m ready to move on. And of course keep on searching for my John Cusack <3

[morganphenderson]

[morganphenderson]

Chitown - Stronger for it

I basically fell off the wagon with my challenges. I was supposed to scare the crap out of myself by watching a horror movie by myself in October but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I still check under my bed for monsters and sleep with a night light for Christ sake.

With that being said I ran an effin marathon in October for the first time which in my opinion was equally just as scary.

All summer I trained my ass off. Early mornings and late nights of running anywhere from 10-35km. EVERYDAY! Needless to say I didn’t enjoy much patio time over the last few months. But at the time I didn’t care. I was on a runners high. It’s a real thing and it was great.

Thanksgiving weekend came around and me and my girls took a road trip to Chicago along with about half of Toronto’s running community. It was shaping up to be an amazing weekend for my first full marathon.

The morning of I was pretty confidant I had this in the bag. I did the training. I worked hard. I was focused.

Not to sound like a negative Nancy but everything that could go wrong did. Getting put in the last coral due to a nervous bladder we did not start the race until after 8:30am. Almost an hour after everyone else. With this in my head I wanted to finish so everyone wasn’t sitting around waiting.

Over the first 21-30km I was feeling pretty good. My pace was steady and I was feeling strong. Then I realized it had gotten really hot really quick. My mind started taking over. I was feeling tired. I was dehydrated. I could not drink enough. I couldn’t get gels in me fast enough. My legs started to get really heavy. The numbers did not go down fast enough. I wanted to give up. I was not having fun anymore.

My girl, Nat, who ran my first half with me stuck by my side for the whole race and kept telling me to stay strong. We were almost done. If it wasn’t for her I would’ve walked off the course at 35km and kicked myself everyday for doing so.

I took a deep breath (or a hundred of them to stop crying) and slowly put one foot in front of the other. 4:36 minutes later we crossed that finish line and I hugged Nat as hard as my dead body could just to keep the tears in.

As we walked to meet everyone we walked in silence. Taking in the last 4 hours and the last 4 months was a lot. It was overwhelming. All that was going through my head was anger and disappointing thoughts. I was so upset with how I did. How could I train so hard and put in so much effort and feel so awful? I told myself I would never do it again. Nothing was worth this pain.

As the weeks went by I stopped running, making up excuses not to go.

Then one day I started to think more clearly about the whole experience. There were many things I did wrong that weekend but I did do something right. I ran a marathon. And I finished. That’s pretty awesome.

It’s been a month since that day and I’m finally getting back into running. I’m enjoying it again. And I think I might actually do another marathon someday.

Everyday is different and everyday your body will feel different. You can’t control how things will happen but you can control what you take away from what happens. I took away an amazing weekend, a million memories and the reminder that I can do just about anything I put my mind to.

#werunchicago #chicagomarathon #PDRR #running #Nike

[morganphenderson]

Center Stage

September got a little hectic due to training for a marathon so improve classes did not happen. But I improvised (see what I did there). I sang karaoke.

As many know I love me a good night of singing my heart out to any 90′s jam. Give me a mic, a whole lot of drinks and someone to sing with and I will pretend that I’m Miley Cyrus coming in like a wrecking ball. To anyone who ever left a bar because of me, I apologize.

One of my dear friends had a going away party that included karaoke in the basement of a legion. I was pretty stoked flipping through those songs trying to find the perfect jam and rounding up a crew to sing with me. As this was not my regular karaoke group no one knew the same songs as I did so I was getting pretty nervous but was not willing to give up a chance to practice my rock band talent.

I dragged two of my girls up with me and as Dixie Chicks, “Not Ready to Make Nice” started to play I could feel my cheeks getting warm. I opened my mouth and the first line came out but sounded like a dying bird. Whatever you imagine that noise to sound like is probably what everyone heard. At this point there really wasn’t much I could do. I knew my friends weren’t my friends for my sweet sweet voice so they weren’t going anywhere and the locals of the legion knew that my bad singing just made them sound like Frank Sinatra. I just had to tune myself out and pretend I had an angelic voice for two more minutes.

When the song ended my girls laughed and high fived me as we went back to our seats. I took a swig of my drink and as the next person went up to sing I realized no one had left and I wasn’t getting any cut eye from the crowd. I sang horribly for one sober moment and lived to tell about it.

And yes I will most likely still jump at the chance to butcher any Big Shiny Tunes song when given the chance.

[morganphenderson]

[morganphenderson]

Naked and famous. Well not famous

As someone who has been self conscious their entire life going to a nude beach sounded pretty terrifying to me. I’m shy, awkward and definitely not confidant. Especially with no clothes on. In public. I’m blushing just thinking about it.

But as a grown up you need to realize that clothes don’t make you. It’s whats on the inside that counts. And inside those clothes is a naked, imperfect body. And in August I bared that naked, imperfect body to the world.

And you know what? It wasn’t so scary. No one pointed and laughed. No one told me to put my clothes back on. No one ran away screaming. So on that day I realized that maybe I should stop being so concerned with what people think and stop being so hard on my body. I work hard to be strong and I should be proud to show it all off.

So to everyone who is self conscious, embarrassed, shy, or nervous about their appearance; you are beautiful. No two bodies are the same and that is why they are beautiful. Embrace what you have and show off that confidence. Clothing optional.

[peachbeam]

[morganphenderson]

These guys right here. Read how they joined me in my July challenge of #theyeariscaredmyself #spartanracetoronto2015 #spartan #reebok #teampizza

[morganphenderson]

Spartan Race 2015

As a child your parents are always telling you to go outside and play. You then proceed to roll in dirt and run around the playground until the sun goes down with all of your closet friends. By 9pm you were wiped out and ready for bed. Last weekend I relived that childhood.I completed my first Spartan race.

For those who don’t know it is a 5km run up and down a ski hill with obstacles in between. In 35 degree weather this was a bit more challenging than it sounds.

I managed to get a few of my dear friends to participate in this adventure with me which made it that much more enjoyable and most importantly achievable. If it weren’t for their help and support I would have done a lot more burpees than I did and would’ve been kicking myself for chickening out.

We arrived at the hill around 10:30 and as we were walking to the starting line I got that feeling I get before any race I have ever done; fear, nervousness, nausea, and ready to turn around and go home because I can’t do it. I get really scared really easily. But two hours away from home I didn’t really have anywhere else to go.

We began the race and started up the hill with the 11:30 heat and let me just tell you that no amount of hill training prepares you for running up a ski hill. The combination of heat and lack of water made the climb a bit of a struggle. Once at the top the excitement kicks in and its all down hill from there. The first few obstacles were easy peasy but then came one of my biggest fears. My fear of heights. I had to climb up what seemed like a 100 foot net, cross over the middle and climb back down. In reality it was probably only 30-40 feet but when standing on a ladder terrifies you this is a big deal. I started climbing and only got to about 10 feet before fear kicked in and I was ready to vomit. I wanted to crawl back down without a second thought. My friends would not have it. With one on each side and the help of a trusting hand I slowly climbed to the top and struggled to swing myself over the center bar. As I lowered myself down the other side I came to the realization that I would survive and I just conquered my fear of stupid heights. Now lets not get crazy, I won’t be sky diving anytime soon but it felt pretty damn good to climb that net.

After that everything else seemed pretty easy for the most part. It was still challenging of course, climbing a rope with no practice is not an easy feat but I did my best and rest assured I will be back to complete that climb.

When the monkey bars came around I wasn’t sure I would be able to do them because I barely made it through a practice round of about 15 feet of them. I started out and just focused on the end. When I got to the bell half way through (which was as far as the ladies had to go) I kept on going, I could do the whole thing, I had this. By the end I was barely holding on but I successfully finished the men’s length of the bars. I let go, walked away and looked down at my hands to see that I had ripped my callouses wide open. Kids take it from me, money bars are dangerous. I seeked out some first aid and got wrapped up before continuing on. This slight inconvenience made the rest of the race a bit more challenging. Crawling through muck trying to keep my hand clean was pretty much impossible so I just dove right in an forgot about it. After all, in the heat that day, crawling through wet mud was more than welcoming.

I managed to complete everything minus spear throwing and the rings because my bandage was too slippery to hold on. But for all the obstacles I was unable to do I made up for by doing all the men’s versions of the others.

An hour and 30 some minutes later we all leaped over fire and completed the race together, covered in dirt, scratches and smiles. It might have just been the best race I ever competed in. These guys made my first obstacle race an amazing memory and really showed how supportive friends are of each other. They will always be there, push you past your limits and hold your hand in support of anything you do, no matter how scared you are. And for that I am beyond thankful <3

[morganphenderson]

Finally got around to my next blog post. 100km bike ride. Check it out. Morganphenderson.tumblr.com #theyeariscaredmyself #centuryride #100kmbikeride #steppingoutofmycomfortzone (at morganphenderson.tumblr.com)

[morganphenderson]

Biking is good for the soul

I’ve fallen a bit behind on my posts but I’m back on track. Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused.

Planning to bike 100km seemed like an easy feat since I bike on the daily anyways. Let me just tell you it is a bit more challenging than going down the street and back.

My non sexual life partner Meg suggested I do this as one of my monthly challenges and I figured why not, I enjoy biking. We had decided we would do this together and our route would be to Oakville an back, an easy 100km.

Well June rolled around and our lives got busy. Every weekend I was working and with a new job under her belt, Meg was unable to take any time off. June quickly turned into July and I still hadn’t complete my bike ride so I said screw it and decided if it was going to happen I was going to have to go out alone.

I woke up early on the morning of Wednesday, July 15 and set out with nothing but a power bar and some music ( I know this is frowned upon by many but I keep it low).

Within the first kilometer i thought i broke Meg’s bike because I have no concept of gears. After a quick phone call and a very concerned Meg for the well being of her bike I got it working and was on my way.

I wasn’t in a hurry to get this over with so I leisurely biked along the waterfront until it ended then continued along the Lakeshore for the rest of my ride. I was expecting to see nothing but cars and highways. I was prepared to be very nervous and concerned for my safety as I biked along the edge of the road praying I made it safe and sound. Guys! This route was amazing. I cruised through so many cute towns and parts of the city I didn’t even know existed. There were so much to see and if I had all the time in the world I would have made more stops but this was about a bike ride, not window shopping.

I arrived in Oakville around 10:30ish and Google mapped coffee shops until I found one right along the waterfront called CJ’s Cafe. I got a coffee and a power bar and plopped and soon to be sore buns down at a patio table and took in the view. if you’ve never ventured to Oakville let me just tell you its pretty rad, well at least the parts I saw were anyways. I finished up my coffee and went down to the harbor for a better look.......Beautiful! I could’ve spent all day there.

It was time to head back. I noticed my phone was at 20% so I opted to not listen to any music on the way home which is a challenge for me because I need a soundtrack for my life but I needed to make sure I could check my map if need be so I peddled my little black heart out in silence. Turns out that not having music wasn’t so bad. The scenery was so beautiful that it allowed me to just think and focus on things that I would normally distract myself from. It was like going to dinner or a movie alone, being by myself and focusing on nothing but what was in front of me. I realized that I’ve been very distracted lately and this quiet time allowed for me to reevaluate what I have been doing and what I need to be doing. It took biking 100km for me to realize I needed to get back to the me I spent so much time working to be.

I made it home before noon that day with a sore tush, a clear mind, a happy heart and another accomplished goal. Thank you Apple for the low battery life on my phone and thank you Meg for helping me step out of my comfort zone (and for lending me your bike).

[morganphenderson]

I ran my first half marathon and wrote all about the experience on morganphenderson.tumblr.com #goodlifehalf #theyeariscaredmyself #nike #nikewomen #nikerunning #betterforit #nikewomen15k

[morganphenderson]

A finish line is just another starting line.

I’ve always enjoyed running. I’ve always included it as part of my workout routine, treadmill was my cardio for years. But there came a day when I wanted to take it outdoors, to get stronger, faster and not be confined to that rotating conveyer belt. I ran my first 10km race last May with no training and although I finished it I knew I could do better. It was then that I joined Blacktoe Running, a local running retailer who offers programs to improve beginners and intermediate runners. Every Monday we’d do speed and hill training and although it was hard and sometime painfull I kept going because I could see the improvement in myself. In November i completed my second 10km race and PB by 9 minutes. At that moment I knew I was capable of a lot more and I signed up for a half marathon.

I went into this training with the mindset of just finishing it. I trained all winter long (my first winter running outdoors) with Blacktoe Running,  Parkdale Roadrunners, and Nike Run Club. I cross trained by with programs run by two of my mentors Paluna Santamaria (One Word Club) and Jenny McConnell (The Camp). By the time spring rolled around I was feeling pretty confidant I could finish this half marathon. It was then people started asking me my goal time in which I responded I just want to finish. Everyone commented that I could easily do under 2 hours and it was those comments that I made me realized this wasn’t just something I was doing to say I could do it, I was doing this to see how hard I could push myself, I was determined to run this race in under 2 hours.

On May 3 I arrived at the Goodlife half marathon with a bit of fear, some excitement and all the encouragement I could handle. Natalie Lodge, a fellow PDRR runner offered to pace me and without her I couldn’t have succeeded in this challenge. For 1 hour and 55 minutes she ran by my side and pushed me through moments I would have otherwise stopped or slowed down. At 18km she was needed by her sister, another racer and I ran on knowing that I could finish on my own, her encouragement was needed elsewhere. 

If you know anything about run crews you know they are the most supportive and if they are not running they are cheering. Well no one cheers better than Parkdale Roadrunners. They set up camp at the end when you need that extra bit of encouragement to get you to the finish line. At 19km when I was all out of steam they were there screaming and cheering and being the best ever. Holding back all the tears, my heart was exploding with happiness as I used their cheering to power through and push myself to the end. Just past them was the Blacktoe Running cheer squad and my first ever run coach, Mike Anderson. Being able to pass him and his cheering section was one of the greatest moments for me. Showing him that all his coaching and training had paid off. In one year I had gone from barely running 10km to finishing a half marathon in under 2 hours. 

Crossing that finish line was one of the greatest feelings I’ve ever had. I challenged myself to something I thought a year ago was unachievable and went above and beyond what I thought I could do. I walked home that day with a medal around my neck, my heart filled with so much love and appreciation for everyone who helped me accomplish this goal and a new goal: to run a full marathon in October. 

“Be bad until you’re good and good until you’re great.” - NIKE Toronto

[morganphenderson]

On top of the World...Or at least a wall.

Spider man knows his s*%t! Climbing walls is pretty badass. For April’s challenge I attempted to conquer my fear of heights. I wasn’t quite ready for the edge walk or bungee jumping so I thought I’d give rock climbing a go. Many of my friends do it on the regular so it seemed like the best option.

I asked around, did my research and concluded that Joe Rockheads would be a great starting gym for me. I grabbed my girl Jamie Cuthbertson (whom also had never climbed) and headed out to our adventure.

We were part of a group of 12 that was directed by one of the trainers named Georgia (ask for her if you decide to take a lesson there, she’s great). She went through the basics of climbing, tying knots to secure the harness and how to support your partner so they don’t plunge to their death (assuming you were on a real mountain).She then let us go out into the world of climbing alone.

The first time I went up I was a bit nervous and was a bit concerned little Jamie wouldn’t be able to hold me so I stopped at about 7 or 8 feet and made my way back to safety.

Once I realized Jaime was a strong little lady and could hold me I managed to get up to about 20 feet. It was pretty cool to climb up there, let go and just hang around knowing you aren’t going to fall. Mind you I most likely wouldn’t attempt this on the side of a mountain but still.

Not only did I face my fear of heights but I got a pretty good upper body workout and literally got to hang out with my friend. So if your not ready to jump out of a plane or scale a building but want to know that feeling of being off the ground try rock climbing. Spiderman uniform not required.