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I Fall In Love Too Easily preformed by Miles Davis.

Original by Jule Styne.

[morningsky-blog]

お久しぶりですね。(Long time, no see.)

It has been quite awhile since I've come to this little sect of the internet to write what I've been feeling and what's been on my mind.

Throughout these days, there has been much contemplation and much re-evaluation. Not only of myself, but the actions I do that affect others. It's been a rough time, but the good times have intertwined as well.

There is so much I wish to do. I would like to fully solidify my style; the physical aspects and the mental. I feel as though there is so much more to discover and build upon, and it is tough for me to even start. As much as I tell myself to go on through, there is non-stop hesitation. It's through this hesitation that I cease to enjoy myself and my surroundings.

I've picked up the interest in reading again, something that I've been putting off for a long while. I discovered how much of an escape it could be. Being able to live vicariously through the protagonist, I find myself immersed in the surroundings present in the white pages; forgetting the scenery and bustle of the outside world.

Through my design-work and photography, I feel as though I'm starting to grasp a feel for what I enjoy doing and what I enjoy aesthetically. There is still much improvement to be done, but I believe that through the times that slip by; I will learn to feel fully accomplished with everything I do.

I wish to take up meditation, and not necessarily for religious purposes. It's always nice to sit down and truly think about oneself and actions. It's in this way that I am able to think clearly without a cloud of doubt. I plan on taking times out of my day to settle down and truly reevaluate myself and my thoughts.

And once again, I welcome this home. This little corner of the internet and social media platform. I've missed it so, and I've meaning to come back. Looks like it's time to wind down and take it back.

[morningsky-blog]

I am not satisfied with myself. With the way I've been thinking, the way I've been living, and the way I've tried to, in term: "fix myself".

I always hold myself as a second-person to someone else. I am never satisfied with my work and what I've "accomplished". Constantly I try to practice repeatedly, but not acquiring the results I so hoped for in the end result.

Always loaded with jokes, and loaded with outbursts of thoughts; never had I been so foolish. I want to be taken seriously, and I desire to be taken as someone who can hold up on my self. Even as I restrain myself, I change from person to person. Either I can be seldom witty, and calm. Or I'll be an outlandish idiot who constantly invokes inappropriate thoughts and acts out to get a few laughs.

I want to be myself truly to everyone. I want to convey how intellectual I can be, and how quiet and peaceful I can be. And of course, I'm still trying. I'm still trying to be the person I wish to be. Although I constantly say "I'll change myself", it's a foolish thought to try to seek out. To think I'll be able to do it so fast is an idiotic one. Though, I will take these steps at a time.

And then I'll learn to be satisfied with what I've done and where I will be.

[morningsky-blog]

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Manifesto composed by Gonzales.

[morningsky-blog]

Sitting under the trees, soaking the ambience of the atmosphere. People pass by, life continues on all around me. The peaceful music that played, traditional and contained a strong sense of adventure. In a way, I wish I could live a life like this in actuality.

Listening to that same song now, listening to the nostalgic sound of the town and re-soaking that ambience; I can't help but feel a sense of loneliness, sadness, nostalgia, and melancholy.

How I truly wish to return to those days, when life was much more simple. Playing with my friends, making new ones without having any troubles at all. Being able to meet up with them, and interact. It was one of the best times of my life, despite how lonely it is in hindsight.

But we all have to stop sometime, and we all eventually miss that one moment in our lives when something was just so simple and in our grasp. We all grow apart, and we all look back and gaze at the things we did.

I will never forget my moments on Ragnarok Online. Yes, this free-write is about when I played an MMORPG (Massive Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game). It was an amazing game, with an amazing soundtrack and over all one of my top favorite games of all time. I met a lot of people there through my years of playing it, and after listening to the background music of a certain town in the game; I couldn't help but feel emotional and write about it. Even though a lot of my time was spent just sitting down and playing it, it's an experience I'm glad I lived through. Hearing this music really wants me to play again, and I can't express it enough.

[morningsky-blog]

We were both happy. At least, from my perspective. But in truth, we were happy together. We had sent gifts to each other through the mail. We were in love, and there is no dumbing down of the word due to being naive or any other adjective to describe us. Her parents were very strict to her about having a boyfriend during her schooling, especially since this was a transition to a university. It was especially hard for her to be with me being so far away. I would've seen her in less than a year, I promised that. All of the sudden, in a day's wake she broke apart from me. She sent me a message explaining why, and what she thought. She still loved me, but with her parents constantly on her back, she couldn't handle it like this anymore. She said the words I dreaded since the day I know I fell in love with her:

"but, we can still stay as friends."

Afterwards she just stopped talking to me. We just stopped talking. It happened suddenly, and that's what scares me and what still mostly bothers me. I sent her a long message, almost paper-worthy to convey I still had deep feelings for her, and I really wanted to know what happened with us that made her break it off like that.

But as I had thought and what I feared: no response. I try to stop thinking about this, but eventually my mind leads me back down to this road. I wish i could tough-it-out and forget about her completely, but it just bothers me on how I still don't know 100% why we're not together anymore. It wasn't her fault, and that's what I believe.

She was my everything, a girl I poured my all into. There's no one to berate me or that could preach to me how we're still "young" and have yet to discover and sieve through different people. It's a shame though, since I still want to know what happened. And even though I tried to contact her, I sometimes hold myself back because I fear she doesn't care about me anymore.

[morningsky-blog]

Ivory keys, and delicate structure. Wistfully pressing down on them, a sense of accomplishment and an aura of understanding and skill are imbued with each playing chord. Many styles, many understandings, and many personal thoughts. The beauty of unleashing one's inner self in the music one plays is an indescribable feeling. It's a time where one's invulnerabilities are unsheathed for all to listen and pay attention to. As the keys were continuously struck, it was as if every note played resembled the person's bare flesh and veins. Transcending further, as if to show someone the structure and basics of their own personal self and style.

[morningsky-blog]

Things I wish I could finish/continue, but I'm holding myself back on:

Continue to learn how to play the Piano.

Study photography thoroughly.

Study Graphic Design with the inspiration I originally had.

Enhance my writing skills.

Focus on side-jobs and internships for my future occupation.

Apply for jobs to have a semi-steady income to supply for myself.

Sit down, and just read.

Meet new people, make new companions.

Learn to make the perfect coffee for myself.

[morningsky-blog]

So low, so very very low. Deep enough to not understand why the horizon is still in grasp. I feel low, so very very low.

[morningsky-blog]

I see, I see.

[morningsky-blog]

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I. Adagietto Pianissimo composed by Alberto Ginastera.

[morningsky-blog]

I dislike my way of thinking.

[morningsky-blog]

Submerged in the feelings and euphoria, there's no room to breathe. No way to pull your collar off your sweat-ridden neck and loosen your tie. A sense of peace, and a sense of pace, very hard in this thick situation. It's as though you're dragging a boulder up a hill, being difficult when you could very much easily rush and push the boulder down. All that's left to wonder is if the flower will bear the fruit, and how many seasons can possibly pass until that frame of time.

[morningsky-blog]

I want someone to hold these rough hands of mine. Callused and bruised, rough and dry. It will be the day when someone can hold these hands with no fear or no judgement, planting a seed between the ridges to expose the affection they need. I understand most people would look at my hands and see the calluses, and believe that they are ugly and rough. But that's why I'm willing to wait until maybe someday someone can hold my hand without cringing at the cold, dry touch.

[morningsky-blog]

I'm hoping that maybe, I won't mess this one up.

[morningsky-blog]

The gloom envelops the sky, reaching the ground accompanying the rain and leaves. Melancholic skies and slippery roads, a destination to be reached at a delayed time. Emotions swirl inside, yet it leaves a sense of loneliness and depression. We must all walk through this scenery, it's only time that is the judge. Eventually however, the feelings with dissipate.

[morningsky-blog]

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Je Te Veux composed by Erik Satie.