#free write

[starlightstruckdown]

Lost loves left me internally burned

Magically fantastically my perfect match appeared

Like waves crashing hard into my soul , I fell deep

Becoming a part of me, insides turned out

Believing everything you showed me you were about 

Knowing you’d always be there to hold me without a doubt 

Our private garden of two melded into one

I was okay with becoming undone…. (For you that is)

Knowing I would always be held  every night in your arms

Safe from the world , I didn’t fear anything, I could only feel your care 

When im next to you, I feel others envious stare

Safe in our world, nothing else mattered but one another 

Never wanting to be pulled from each other

Naked bodies melted skin to skin under covers 

I believed you to be my moon and  you told me I was your sun.

To my surprise.,  emotional  intelligence was refreshing,

you proved you would protect me, emotionally coming undone

As I equally gave you all of my love

Never doubted us even through your doubts internally bringing me undone

One of the only men to ever make me feel safe

In your Scorpio web I found my place

Passion in your eyes, your touch, feeling like the only one in your world

My partner, my lover, my mind when I’m stressed out, laying in your lap curled

Uplifted by your touch, hands wrapped around my hips

Each day believing every word that came from your lips

Images I once projected went from color to black and white overnight 

Lost its hold while discovering I was not your one and only

Or perhaps not trusted, unworthy of your truths

I let my last  tears fall and as I try not to bleed into the memory of you and me

You slowly poured water onto the fire inside me that you once lit

Now here in my own smoldering ashes I sit

Too scared to feel anything I just slowly drift

Paralyzed ,  unable to think or move

I’m stuck because I put all of you  in my forever 

My fire never dies, it always stays alive… fighting together

The smoldering  kindling  that survived your rainstorm left me with remnants  of the man I miss. 

But as hard as I try your words leave me unconvinced 

My hopeless attempt to stay invincible while dying inside drains all of me 

And What was in real time making us better is now lost, 

All my dreams my fears my joy uncertain to pay the cost

Spying Crying dying while inside my soul prying

my soul  inside knows  despite your lying , it’simply impossible to extinguish the fire I carry for you

Despite the rainstorm that shut you off and kept your fire from  reburning , I wonder am I still the sun to you

We always mange to dry up the torrential rain and I thought start anew.

Painful realization of putting someone first only to find out it doesn’t go both ways 

Hardening my open heart But still it’s you I could never replace…

despite the frustration  and pain I carry I somehow don’t want to be without you 

The moments  we spent  together once again remind me when I was all you could see. Now I’m second,,, or third. My love and safe place is gone. .

Idk for sure but ya know how the hell to hold on. Do you even understand me and

Where the hell has my radar lover gone?

[williamthehippo]

He’s Always Going to Be Skinnier

Running my hands along the undulating grooves of my body, I feel the absence of you. For so long my flesh has betrayed me, my looks have deceived me, and now I sit alone looking for the pounds of my flesh that I have lost to you. My beauty will always be my own and I must reconcile with that disposition, but what could I do but ruminate to that point of acceptance.

When you feel the indentions of fabric on the bed, do you feel the gap? The abyss which my body used to lie—a hole that no man you will be with fits. They must be funny and clever, a tongue that fills the void with words I could never conceive. Or is it simply that my inside compensated for my out, my brain contorted my corpse into a mold so tiny and acceptable that my position is so easily filled by men half my size.

I will never be so small, petite, and gorgeous, for each breath I take fills my lungs and each thought I make opens my brain. Belt buckles widen, seams rip, and I become huge in my endeavors—too big to rest alongside you and far too enormous to stand next to my replacements.

The term big is beautiful never sat right with me; I must now learn. If I sit alone, carving my solitary space apart from our joint conjecture, then I might as well join myself with a phrase so encompassing that it once put me to my knees in tears.

Gradually filling the void you set with a double of my own—something powerful enough to penetrate my reality and reveal my interior, as you once had. One day, when I feel the mass which I call body, your phantom touch will evade me, leaving me only with the dauntingly massive truth of me.

[thedge-of-forever]

Too cool

The wind blows

There she was

We used to dance

Now to try

To forget

The wind began to calm

I’m reaching out

For a life worth

Living

[thehotgrandparent]

If anyone wants to read my free write from creative writing that I did, here’s the link to it

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

[hurtinghealsthesoul]

“I give up. I give up trying to please you. I give up trying to make up my entire life to you. I give up having a relationship with you. I give up talking to you. I just give up.” But that’s what you want me to say. You want me to give up. I may give up on you but I’ll never give up on myself. You wanna know the reason why? Because you taught me that even the people who are supposed to love you will drag you down to the bottom. I have no else in this world except for myself and I’m glad i have me instead of you.

[hurtinghealsthesoul]

I think I’m so scared to make plans or even try to hangout outside of my home or another’s home. The reason being that anytime plans change or they fall through I cry, I sob, full body shaking sobs every.single. time. without fail because all I can remember is me sitting at the front door waiting for my parents to take me somewhere they promised to take me. And if I mentioned it they’d yell at me and tell me to stop being annoying. So I stopped asking, I stopped remembering. When my friends ask me to hangout I usually don’t even ask because I’m scared. My parents will ask questions,they’ll text me over and over. I can tell them where I’m going and they’d still bumbard me with texts and calls. Maybe they’re trying to keep me safe but it stress me out more and more. I can’t deal with public spaces on the regular and them doing all of that just scares me more. So I sit at home. By myself. Doing nothing but cleaning. Isolating myself from everyone I’d love to hangout with but never will.

[mag-insig]

Nighttime Freewrite

TW: suicidal thoughts, depression, etc.

getting off my meds is weird bc its like, oh there i am again. I hate you. You make me miserable but there you are again. Here to make me question everything through the cynical eye of self-loathing. its like seeing an old childhood friend again, who you hate. we've been through EVERYTHING together, but you made it so much harder. You understand me, i think, and i hate you for it. You come back just to ruin my life. Nostalgia drips through my veins. Rage sits in my throat and behind my eyes. Self-hatred drives my fists and itches in my fingers. You make me unlovable and incapable of love. With you we are a monster. 

All because I am off the meds that make me undoubtably human, loving, and gentle.

You are me and my favorite way to kill myself is by killing you with 100 mg of Zoloft.