semi-precious stones

"And then I feel the sun itself as it blazes over the hills, like a million flowers on fire – clearly I’m not needed, yet I feel myself turning into something of inexplicable value."

[mortemsomnia]

It’s been too long. I’ve stopped looking inward. For now, I can keep the darkness at bay. I can keep the nightmares away. I can forget about all of you. But how do we grow when we do not face what has hurt us? How do we heal if we aren’t willing to stand in the dark with our arms spread and our eyes wide open, ready to accept all that we may find? I don’t think we can. I feel like the shell of a young woman who had her insides torn out. My thoughts all contradict one another. My feelings are backwards. Some days I crave it all- sex, love, pain, anger. I want to get drunk. I want to get high. Young. Crazy. Wild. Free. The whole damn cliche. But most days I am perfectly content in my own little comfortable bubble of purity. Until I’m reminded how unlike I am. Until someone tries to touch me and I jerk my arm away. Until he makes a move and I am child like and afraid. Then the thoughts come. I look in the mirror and think, how fucked up am I, really? I’m doing alright now playing pretend, but what would they say if they knew? Could I even get the words out? Am I too far gone? Have I missed out? Will I ever catch up? I’m running and I’m heading inward.

[mortemsomnia]

There she was- manic and fleeting. Diving in and out of realms that she didn’t understand. She longed for summer, and work to keep her busy. She hoped for money and future romance. Alone in her bedroom she traced the skin on her forearms. “Who am I to be hopeful?” she asked, “I’ve wished for death a thousand times.” The clock didn’t move and so neither did she.

[mortemsomnia]

the many moons ive slept under

watch me as my life passes

does she ask questions

does she take guesses

does she steal my shining soul?

[mortemsomnia]

it was never suddenly it slowly crept upon me spreading venom and honey between my scales and teeth

[perennialphilosophy]

There is this question of the speed with which things happen around the edges of your heart - and that’s my concern. To escape a predator, a lion, the deer runs faster than itself. It runs with a force greater than it has. That’s zoological fact: it produces surplus energy. It goes beyond its forces to live. And it survives the predator, but it doesn’t survive the effort. The lion has been left behind, but the deer dies. It survives, and dies from it. I believe that in order to escape death, we go through death.

Hélène Cixous, Stigmata (via perennialphilosophy)

[mortemsomnia]

im always trying to figure out what matters more. the money and the education and the things you have or where you live. or you heart and your values and the way that you live your life. and i roll the dice and it’s never the latter. and here i am with my big dumb heart in my hands and not enough knowledge to know what it means 

[sleepytimemusic]

Visit Original Link

[mortemsomnia]

This is how I feel right now. Just this song all the time. 

[mortemsomnia]

I am so much brighter now that I let in the light

[peterschwarze]

Mark Grotjahn

[mortemsomnia]

me vs food till the end of time

[untrustyou]

Nathanael Turner

[malamente1992]

[vuls]

The Incredible Machine

David M. Seager, 1986

[zola-stalingrad-deactivated2012]

lèvres de sang, jean rollin, 1975

[mortemsomnia]

the sadness leaves. the anxiety leaves. the guilt stays. the loneliness stays. always busy. always smiling. never feeling it. pointless money. just another girl. just another day. every day the same day. but no light. no writing. no art. no creativity. just me and the clock.

[oofpoetry]

I hope that in the future they invent a small golden light that follows you everywhere and when something is about to end, it shines brightly so you know it’s about to end. And if you’re never going to see someone again, it’ll shine brightly and both of you can be polite and say, “It was nice to have you in my life while I did, good luck with everything that happens after now.” And maybe if you’re never going to eat at the same restaurant again, it’ll shine and you can order everything off the menu you’ve never tried. Maybe, if someone’s about to buy your car, the light will shine and you can take it for one last spin. Maybe, if you’re with a group of friends who’ll never be together again, all your lights will shine at the same time and you’ll know, and then you can hold each other and whisper, “This was so good. Oh my God, this was so good.”

Iain Thomas, “The Light That Shines When Things End” (via soracities)

[euo]

Lay in bed. Watch life happen from your window. Sleep with a pile of a magazines instead of a person because magazines can’t forget to call you back the next day. Hold your cell phone limply in your hand with your head in the pillows. Feel a combination of excitement and dread when somebody texts you. Leave me alone slash NEVER STOP. You know what I’m talking about. Become the unreliable friend. Let people know implicitly that they need to minimize their expectations to avoid being disappointed. You will do things when you want to do them. You will show up when you want to show up. You can’t handle any responsibility right now. Please respect the fact that you’re a terrible person right now. Show up to work in a zombielike state. Do the bare minimum of work so people don’t necessarily worry about you. They just think you’re lazy. Mimic healthy happy people. Maybe that will throw people off your true scent. Maybe if you attend a potluck and bring egg salad, people will write you off as someone who has their shit together. See things you’re not supposed to, like an ex’s Facebook page. An old diary. Wince at the photos, wince at the images, and decide that you would look at them again. Ignore those who know you best because those are the people who won’t let you get away with anything. Those are the people who will force you to be accountable and demand that you tell them what’s wrong with you. It gets harder and harder to disappear from your life. When you were a teenager, it was easy to check out from reality, but today is different. Today your life is formed; it has been built. When you decide to go, you are leaving behind a series of questions. You are leaving a mess that you will eventually have to clean up. But if you really want to disappear, you will find a way. People always do. You can’t make someone participate in a life they didn’t want to begin with. They have to do it for themselves. They have to want to fix their life rather than ruin it. And you know something? Not everybody wants to fix it. Not everybody wants to have redemption. Some people are just content to waste away. We’re taught differently. We’re taught that everybody wants the best life they could possibly have. But I’m here to tell you that that’s not true. I’m here to tell you that everybody doesn’t want or get their happy ending. You’d like them to because it makes things simpler for you, it puts your mind at ease. But you forget that all of this isn’t for you. It’s for them. TC Mark

How To Ruin Your Life: Ryan O’Connell (via euo)