I do lowkey think we need to demand answers about why he specifically adds the caveat "I have never felt less of a man that I did so" here. Like this is not the first time they've slept curled up against each other, it's not the first time they've slept holding hands. WHAT COMFORT were you letting that poor miserable angel take from the warmth and strength of your body that you felt you had to tack that shit on for the audience at home FITZCHIVALRY
Nothing gay happened but we shied at first from one another's touch; he did not know quite what his ordeal had left him capable of wanting, and I was afraid to allow my hands past the boundaries his body struggled to rebuild. I was careful, very careful, when he at last looked up from where his forehead was nestled against my chest to press his lips softly to mine. I could not have said with certainty which of us was first to open his mouth, nor who was responsible for the first tentative brush of tongue. He took my hands in his, despite the tremor in his slender, injured fingers, and moved them as he would have them. My steady, gentle grip on him felt like holding brushfire in my palms. The sounds he made heated my belly and encouraged me further. He whimpered for more of what he wanted in the broken way of a dog reunited with its master. This all seemed to comfort him in his time of need or whatever and it was a very masculine bonding ritual between two close platonic friends that was NOT gay.
"He seemed to take strength from my hand's touch and I, in turn, took heart from the succor he found in my arms and my companionship that night. I did, I believe, what any man might have under such circumstances, and I have never since regretted it. I cradled him afterward as I would, in similar straits, hope to find myself held, and cherished him as one might a brother, or their own pitiable and frightened self. He slept in my embrace without flinching nor shrieking, and I kept watch for us both while he rested. I felt no less manly for our tenderness, for if his need that night was great, so, then, was my capacity to comfort him. I would humbly and gladly offer such a sacred service to him once more, should he ever have further need of it. It reflects not on my manhood at all, I believe. Only my deep regard and loyal affection for my friend.
- Some burned up page of Fitz's journal somewhere, probably
