HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER SENTENCE MEME
“Well, what the fuck did you think would happen? They give you the Pulitzer for being a fucking psychopath?”
“You can’t use my room for anonymous sex. I’m kind of a neat freak that way.”
“My shrink told me I was crazy! Well, who’s the narcissist with severe attachment disorder now?”
“Whenever I’m sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.”
“The best I can give you is a fake smile and dead eyes.”
“You’re like God. There’s no one hotter than God.”
“If I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her I will take those peanuts you’re trying to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard that your eyes pop out and then I’ll feed them to you like grapes.”
“Not awkward, guys. Not awkward if we don’t let it be awkward.”
“If I can talk a stripper into paying me for a lap dance, I can talk my way out of a speeding ticket.”
“When will you learn that the only difference between my life and a porno is my life has better lighting?”
“Ugh! You are worse than my shrink. ‘We have to talk about your father,’ or ‘I’m not going to teach you how to hypnotize people, you’ll only use it for evil,’ or ‘I’m not going to conduct a couples session between you and this woman, she’s obviously a prostitute.’ I don’t need this!”
“I’m sorry, I don’t speak ‘I never get laid’.”
“I feel like I’ve done so much good I have a soul boner.”
“It is a lifestyle blog for the upscale, sophisticated urban gentleman, and it’s never gonna take off if I can’t post today’s boner joke.”
“The first time I rode in a limo I was five. I was on the way to my grandfather’s funeral. I suppose, in a way, I still am.”
“Your ego’s writing checks your body can’t cash.”
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