I lay in my bedroom, my eyes puffy from the last 4 hour of crying. Everything has been taken away from me. My friends, my family, my stuff, and most of all my freedom. I don’t know what i did to deserve this. I try to be nice to everyone and everything. I do my very best to be nice and help everyone in life. supporting others opinions and helping my friends with math at school. But it is all gone now.
The times i’ve had will never be the same, i am never going to be happy again. My life is coming to a close and i am only 20. The only thing left for me before was my dog but my mother took away the privilege to own him and ‘got rid of him.’ I knew what that meant when she said that.
She has controlled my life since my dad died. She never liked me to begin with but my dad kept her happy. I don’t know how she did that, and i wish i could have adopted that skill. I would have made my life tons better.
But here i am now, laying on my floor. crying. No more of a life left to live. all my life i have heard the ‘go kill yourself comments’ I was always depressed but never thought about it. But, but now it was clear that was the only thing that would relieve me of my pain life was becoming too much. It's not like anybody will miss me.
Would anybody miss me. All the random people in high school that i said hi to every day, do they remember me? Or was i just a background figure in their lives. Never once playing an importance in the grand scheme of their lives. The thought of nobody missing me never bothered me before a few years ago. But since then things have changed.
I was hopeful back then. thinking when i was an adult i would be free. Apparently life doesn’t work like that. My mind's made up, i decide im going to do it. I pathetically crawl over to the closet. I rip up the floorboard where i have a gun hidden. I have always had it there ever since i startend staying home alone when both my parents worked.
I hear a small scratch at the window but i ignore it. I continue to pull out the gun. Reminiscing over all the old good memories. My mind flashing to all of the past. I know what i am throwing away.
Another batch of scratching distracts me from the task at hand. I look over at the window. I remember i had the window open so i could put more food in my hanging bird feeder outside. I decide it is probably just the screen part of the window and pull up the gun. Sobbing softly put my hand on the trigger.
I hear another loud scratching noise, this one is louder than the rest and i drop the gun and turn around to see a squirrel running at me. It looks determined and it slams right into the gun. The squirrel hooked the gun right in it’s mouth and ran over to the window. It looked me right in the eye as it dropped the gun.
I stared. Shocked at what just happened. My puffy, watery eyes hardly seeing what just happened. The squirrel ran back over to me and snuggled against my leg. It was very warm, and nice i almost felt happy. I started sobbing again, just realized how much i would have regretted pulling the trigger. I lifted my hand slowly as to not startle the squirrel and i started petting the thing. It seemed to relax and it just felt more warm against my leg.
After a while it stopped and looked up to me. As if allowing me to ask questions. I didn’t really want to beforehand, i was just enjoying its company, but now i had tons of questions. Why did this squirrel save me? How did the squirrel know? What did i do to deserve this?
I look down at the squirrel in it’s eyes “W-why did you,” I tried to swallow the lump in my throat “why did you save me?” The squirrel ran over to a discarded small car. It was a small car that i had gotten for a school project a 2 years ago.
The squirrel picked it up and rolled it over itself.
“I ran over you?” i ask quietly. The squirrel shaked it’s head as a no. “Did i not run over you?” I ask again getting confused. The squirrel shook its head yes.
“So i didn’t run over you, and you saved me because i saved you?” The squirrel head nodded vigorously. I was kinda stunned for a second. Trying to remember when I did this. Thinkinging back I did remember.
“You’re the one that I swerved around last week right? That was a bad night for me but it always makes me feel better when I save an animal or prevent the death of one. Every one of you animals are important and i feel better when you are alive.” The squirrel looked me straight in the eye with a knowing look, and did a brief short nod.
That was the moment when everything dawned on me. My life importance doesn’t have to be big. Maybe my life isn’t good right now, or not maybe ever, But if i can exist to help other to the best of my abilities, then i exist for a reason. Even if it is to swerve around a squirrel, a life is a life and is is important and should be protected.
I started crying again, but this time they were good tears. I found my importance, even if it was small, it was enough. Every moment of my life i saw in a new light, and this moment was her darkest hour, but now thanks to the squirrel it was the brightest.
“Thank you, so very much little squirrel, I don’t think you know how much what you did helped me. I will be sure to keep moving forward from now on and hope you do too.” I thanked the squirrel. I realized how weird this situation was but continued to pet the squirrel who just saved my life.
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