ms. paranoia @ms-paranoia - Tumblr Blog

Did I watch Heated Rivalry?

Let me put it this way : since I learned of this show on December 4, I've watched every episode several times, I've read all 6 books in the series, and I've read a total of 23 m/m hockey romance novels.

I suppose I'll finish all 385 books on that Goodreads list by this time next year.

I've been looking for a hugely oversized white/ivory puffer jacket including very wide sleeves, and with a hood. I've not succeeded yet. I'm thinking of asking my tailor to make one sur mesure. Seems wild but also maybe the best option. These are photos of my most recent attempt -- I'm obsessed with the shape and size (and matching gloves) but not the color. It's too grey.

After so many intense weeks of work, I finally took a day off for errands and rest. My goal starting June 1 is to figure out how to properly take and enjoy all my days off. I accept defeat for this vacation year, but I'm ready to try again.

Today I learned the French word "monture" for eyeglasses frame, which I have no idea how I didn't learn before.

guys. guys. guys. I got a job offer today. from my current company. at their office in Paris!!!!!

Portland

Ben and Jordan pointed out that compared to Seattle, Portland seems to have a lot more women. I don't know the numbers, but it definitely looks true. We have seen groups of women out with each other at brunch, bars, and the basketball game we went to. It made me reflect on my own friend group. I now officially have zero girlfriends in Seattle. Every girl I befriended in this city has since moved away (to Spokane, San Francisco, New York, South of France, Iran, etc.). I spend my days with George, Nick, Ben, Jordan, etc. Is this a bad thing? Has Seattle spoiled me? When I move to the next place, will I actually miss having countless tech bros for each woman in this city? Or will I be happy to be able to make local girlfriends again?

Four years?!

I realized on New Year’s Eve that it was my fourth NYE with Paris Boy.

2013/2014: My first NYE in Seattle…I had two boyfriends at the time and was undecided and noncommittal. I actually left Paris Boy (Seattle Boy, then) at the bar/club/venue we were in to go to a house party for gay boys. My midnight kisses were silly make outs with said gay boys. I re-met Paris/Seattle boy later after midnight, but by then he was flirting with another girl. I loved him for that. We spent the night together at his place, but never entered anything resembling a exclusive-ish relationship til late in February 2014.

2014/2015: By then, we lived together in my apartment (that I still live in and love now!). We went out for dinner and then had ~6 people over. We climbed 2 flights of stairs in our building to watch the Space Needle fireworks. After everyone left, we realized we didn’t like those people so we moved on from them.

2015/2016: We went to a show at a club near our apartment. We ran into this ridiculously hot bartender who is still one of my Seattle favorites (though I don’t know his name or whereabouts). Paris boy and I met him randomly on our “first date” (second hangout) when he was bartending at a bar we went to. We ran into him a few hours later and he bought us drinks at another bar. A few months later, I ran into him at a Mariners game. I came an hour late and he was sitting directly beside my friends. We post-gamed at yet another bar where Paris Boy finally joined us after work. Bartender-Boy-Whose-Name-I-Cannot-Remember bought us drinks and asked Paris Boy if it was okay if he flirted with me. Of course Paris Boy was fine with it – I loved him for that too. Running into Bartender Boy on NYE was a most welcome surprise and we partied with him for hours. That was my last time seeing him, and I am still trying to remember his name.

2016/2017: NYE in Paris. When Seattle Boy upped and moved to Paris, evolving into Paris Boy, that was his hottest exploit yet. We spent NYE at a trendy bar that was ridiculously hard to find. I was chilling and enjoying the DJ, when I realized it was our fourth NYE together. Fourth?! This is now something akin to a long term relationship. Crazy! Our shared fear of commitment is likely what makes this possible.

Happy new year!

Edited to add: I remember that our mysterious reappearing bartender is named Shane :).

ms-paranoia

I want this sweater, but I don’t think I can justify $275…

ms-paranoia

This sweater finally went on sale for $165. Still exorbitant, but it’s mine!

I want this sweater, but I don't think I can justify $275...

My Paris (ex) boyfriend called me on Tuesday and said he's done trying to date Parisian ladies, he doesn't like being apart, "broken up," and feeling like we're waiting. He wants me to move to Paris. I said..."think about it for 24 hours, I'll check in with you tomorrow." I called him on Wednesday and he said he didn't change his mind. That's what he wants. We unbroke up, basically. We will try to figure out how to smartly move me to Paris. I'm not sad anymore.

I had a difficult night last night and a difficult morning this morning. I was looking at Paris jobs last night, trying to figure out if I want to move and why I have so much fomo about my ex’s new life. Like it’s not even clear if I miss him so much, as much as I’m jealous. Anyway, I feel conflicted because I just started a new job and I want to be 100% focused and invested in it. It’s an amazing career opportunity for me if I stick with it, and i don’t want a temporary distraction to lead me to misstep. That conflict resulted in a very sensitive me this morning. So of course when my manager, at 8:01 this morning, said “hey what’s wrong?” I just started to sob.

But I really wanted to work through it. A few hours later, I went to chat with my coworker Paul. I am not even giving him a pen name. It’s really Paul. He is amazing to talk to, and I should thank him more often. We chattied about my life and career and Paris, and ultimately realized/decided the following:

I’m okay with missing my ex. I’m okay with wanting to move to Paris. I’m okay with feeling conflicted. I’m okay with wishing I could focus 100% on my job (instead of the 95% I currently focus); I’m okay with going through the potentially long/hard struggle of finding a good Paris job.

I am NOT with being unhappy/unhot/unsexy/unproductive in this interlude; I am not okay with not being my best self; I am not okay with not liking myself....while all of this goes on.

So personal challenge to me: be smart, be productive, be good at work, be fun, be happy, be adorable, love myself, like myself, fill my days with goodness and hotness and adventure and acceptance. Enjoy this time for the experience and the emotion and the possibility and the unknown.

Precap

I just learned the word “precap” and I am obsessed. Precap now; recap later. So perfect and useful!

"What is above all needed is to let the meaning choose the word, and not the other way around."

http://www.orwell.ru/library/essays/politics/english/e_polit/ This essay has given me life this weekend. Meaningless language, dead metaphors, vague sentences, all leading us to wallow in (and birth) dull thoughts. Ex mentioned that he thinks school clouds people and makes it harder for them to think clearly. This has been my experience. High school teachers took me from being a great math student to a weak one; college helped me forget my soul/center and write whatever nonsense the professors wanted. And ultimately, j'agree that the academy is a source that teaches is us a vague clichéd way of writing and talking. This reminded me of another class of people who speak in movie clichés. They are generally the persons who watch "too much" movies and television. And have been doing so since childhood. I like how ex put it: "maybe if school makes us dumb intellectually, movies make us dumb emotionally." I think school gives us vague / meaningless shorthand to talk about some intellectual or political topics, while movies give is vague / meaningless shorthand to talk about relationships and other emotional topics. Yes, I realize some people watch movies and remain smart and unclouded and critical. I'm just talking about some folks. My goals are to become / remain unclouded, and to speak in non-cliché was intellectually and emotionally. The end.

Ultimate Frisbee

I tried out this Ultimate Frisbee league after work today. The game seemed pretty complicated, for a first timer like me. I think it’ll be a good workout and good challenge, so l will stick to it for this summer and see if I get better at knowing what I should be doing when. However, I reserve the right to skip on the days it interferes with Volleyball, because that’s clearly more fun.

As I just figured out, Ultimate Frisbee is like a high budget movie, while Beach Volleyball feels like a small indie film. Clearly the latter is more me.

You know all the advice etc. that says if a guy likes you, he’ll go for you, call you, let you know etc. I don’t think it applies anymore.

People (including guys) are super passive these days. Though I don’t believe in any “good old days,” I do suspect people are more passive now. I don’t mind; I like passive people. But waiting for them to make proactive moves is not productive.

Paris, round 2

That being said, this time Paris felt completely new. It was like my first time there. It seemed conquerable, not huge. And having been there before and having done some of the stuff I (wrongly) imagined I *had* to do (Louvre, for example), I felt free to only do what I actually wanted to do. (For the record, I dislike the Louvre - it’s too big and unfocused for me, and I have still never been to the top of the Eiffel Tower).

Some of the funnest things I did included:

lugged a TV “home” from a neighborhood store.

shopped for scarves and shoes for ex.

tried and failed to buy other apartment stuff for him.

saw a “children in art” temporary exhibit at the Musée Marmottan Monet. This was a tiny out-of-the-way museum that had similar impressionist paintings to the other 2 museums we went to, but the temporary exhibit, showing the evolving way children’s lives were depicted in art, was brilliant.

played in the Renoir Gardens at the Musée de Montmartre. This is another tiny museum (of mostly impressionist and post-impressionist paintings) that’s less than ten minutes away from ex’s apartment. walking.

wandered around art galleries (like Galerie Daniel Templon) to see art that I could never afford in any lifetime.

went to a Radiation City concert at some dive-y, outskirts-y venue (Espace B), after missing them in Seattle.

took my Iris postcards to a neighborhood cafe so I could write to my friends while reveling in long Parisian meals.

tracked down “hidden gardens” from the “Hidden Gardens of Paris: A Guide to the Parks, Squares, and Woodlands of the City of Light” book to see (and smell!) amazing flowers.

ate amazing omelettes and salads at Parisian cafes (or brasseries, I should say).

drank amazing rosé everywhere I went.

saw pretty paintings painted by artists along the Seine drawn by street artists all along the Seine. (should have bought one+ of these).

In general, I felt a peacefulness that I want to engage in more often (and it doesn’t have to be in Paris or anywhere specific). My action items include:

eat food that is less processed, buy more vegetables, make caprese salad at home for myself.

drink more amazing wine, especially French rosé. which starts with shop harder for good wine, have more good wine at home.

take reading/writing paraphernalia with me when I go dine/drink around town, because slowing down and thinking while I eat/drink makes me happy.

when I go out, focus on connecting with the person I’m with. don’t go out with my friends who just want to meet strangers to flirt with. (there’s nothing wrong with doing that; I’m just not in the mood of it).

make decisions faster, especially about visiting places and about buying pretty things (like art for my bare walled apartment that I could never commit to).

Paris, 1 year ago

I have been trying to formulate my thoughts about Paris, separate from my thoughts about ex-boyfriend, and it’s not easy. I think now that I expressed myself about him, and reached peace and ~clarity, I can access my Paris Paris impressions.

The first time I went to Paris, June 2015, I felt this overwhelming sensation that everything reminded me of my mom. It’s partly because French sounds similar (to my untrained ear) to Hebrew, it’s partly because it was 100 degrees and taking three showers a day is something my mom would do, and it’s partly because of the neighborhood I stayed (the 11th arrondissement) matched my imagination of the Israeli neighborhood my mom grew up in. To be clear, I’ve never been to Israel (except as a baby) and I know very little about my mom’s upbringing. But somehow, everything in Paris just reminded me of my mom in this very intense way.

In addition, ex-boyfriend’s parents and brother were in Paris at the same time, and to be perfectly honest, that put a lot of responsibility and pressure on us. So i would say I was distracted by family, heat, and a general feeling of being overwhelmed, to be actually to take it all in.

Baseball

I wore all blue/green, but inside I was rooting for the Angels. And they won. The game and weather were utter perfection.

Neighbor+Coworker (n+c) was there and I still like him. He has the best smile. He complimented my purse and my eye makeup (hours apart from each other) in kind of shy or awkward ways. I appreciated it. We were there with 3 other people, and I still have no idea if he has real interest in me, but I will say that he probably doesn’t hate me. I will just see if anything happens with him, but I don’t *need* it so I’m good with whatever happens.

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