if there was anyone who could pull him out his pit of self-loathing and doubt, it was easily river. all his happiest memories had him and his bright smile in frame. when he needed comfort, a shoulder to cry, or anything really, the very first place he turned to was river. he knew everything about jake, and jake knew everything about river. he had memorized his hazel eyes so intently down to the detail that he knew where the little green and gold flecks appeared. he knew all his favorite movies, all his favorite songs, how he liked his coffee, his favorite scents, what size shoe he wore… and yet he still craved more — he wanted to know every little thing going on inside his pretty little head. jake wanted to protect him from the rest of the world, keep him all to himself, ward off any danger he might face… until he realized he was the danger he wanted to shield him from. jake wasn’t good at anything but hurting people, letting them get their hopes up only to send them down to the ground in a crash. jake knew he deserved better… so that was why sometimes, it was best to keep river at arms’ length. he wouldn’t have to get caught up in his path of destruction. no amount of prayer, no amount of liquor could absolve him from repeating the sins of his father. “i guess so. but i’ll still beat them with my walker if they go puttin’ their paws on things they shouldn’t,” jake assured him. “you’re right… you’re always right. you wouldn’t do anything to hurt me,” the brunet boy agreed with a nod. he wished he could say the same thing for himself, but he knew the longer river was around him, the more likely he was going to end up hurt. there was no one, nothing he wanted or needed more than river, though. the air in his lungs couldn’t compare to how badly he needed river by his side, to comfort him, to hold him. jake wanted nothing more than to kiss him, to mark him up, to claim his as his own, but in his heart, he knew that he could never provide him with what he needed — stability, all the attention in the world, unfettered love. jake was too stuck in his own self to give him that, and it hurt worse than any blow that had been delivered to his flesh. that was all he could think about as their lips are crashing against each other. they’re almost past the point of no return, almost taking that forbidden step… but river pulled back, and he knew, in that moment, they’d never be. river knew it too. he was a worthless piece of shit, and everyone knew it. “yeah, that’s all i can say,” jake mumbled. normally, he’d just shut down — construct those walls he’d grown to need to build just to survive. but river deserved at the very least some kind of answer. “i’m not good for you. i… i’m not good for anyone, so you might as well get out while you can before i drag you down with me too,” he said flatly, eyes looking anywhere but river. he couldn’t deny the words stung, even worse when he remembered who uttered them. the world around him was caving on itself, and he was paralyzed, stuck in fear. “yep. you know me better than anyone else, so i can’t argue with you there,” jake chuckled humorlessly. “why do you even deal with me, river? you could be doing… so many better things. why do you waste your time on me?” he questioned. “i’m never going to love you like that.” because i’m not capable of loving anything, he omitted… but jake figured what he said would knock the house of cards down finally — wipe the idea of any kind of romance between them happening because jake wouldn’t be able to live with himself when he inescapably fucked things up with him.
river and jake had the kind of bond that was unbreakable, an undying love and loyalty that had stood against the test of time and won. but river couldn’t shake the feeling that no matter how hard he tried to be what the other needed, to provide that sense of safety and warmth and home that he’d lived so long without, he would always fall short in the end. jake knew everything about him, and river felt as though he’d been given pieces to the puzzle, just not enough to actually solve it. it wasn’t until he’d stupidly fallen in love with his best friend that it began to bother him, that he began to seek out other friendships to distract from the fact that he’d only ever have half of the boy he loved. “oh yeah? and things shouldn’t they be putting their paws on, jakey?” he teased, a little more flirtatiously than intended. maybe it was his way of subconsciously dropping hints that if jake wanted him, he could pick him up, pin him up against the wall and take him wherever they were. “never ever. i made a pinky promise, and i intend to keep it.” only that pinky promise had began to wear thin, with so many raw emotions and unspoken words clouding his better judgement. if he was sober, he’d of never said anything at all — although, if he was sober he also probably wouldn’t have climbed into jake’s lap and planted one right on his lips. river just couldn’t seem to stop himself, everything that he’d bottled up for so long came flowing out of him. “do you really think that little of me, jake?” he asked, disbelief spreading over his soft features. “if you’re trying to shut me out, or push me out of your life because you’ve decided fucking your way through every sorority they’ll let you inside of, then say that. but don’t act as if you’re giving me an option, jake. i’ve never left, i’ve always been right here.” river couldn’t believe that after everything they’d gone through, this was where they’d ended up. he felt as if his friend was leaving him behind, like jake had just woken up one morning and decided he didn’t need him anymore. a part of him thought that maybe the conversation had just taken a wrong turn, that jake would realize how bad he was hurting and apologize and kiss him again. but instead, he’d just confirmed river’s worst fear. as the words settled in, the realization that jake would never love him like that, river couldn’t stop the tears from falling. “you’re such an asshole,” he scoffed, shaking his head in disbelief. “i... i can’t do this anymore. i’ve tried so hard to be there for you, to be who you needed me to be, but you’re going to spend the rest of your life ignoring everything good around you — and i just can’t watch it anymore. my life is a fucking wreck, and i had to get drunk and throw myself at you for half an hour of my best friend’s time. you’re never, ever there, you don’t even try.” it was the angriest river had ever been in his life, and as the words came out he quickly regretted them. “i’d never want you to love me like that, jake. i don’t think you’d be capable of that.”
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