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commission for @multiheadcanons for xir fic which you can read here

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A TOP AUTHOR’S PICK NOW COMPLETE WITH DELICIOUS WORK OF ART BY @mail-me-a-snail

#tf2 #team fortress 2 #tf2 medic #medic tf2 #ooooooooo snailllllllll when i get youuuuuuuuuuu

"...SO WHO DID IT?"

aka snitches get stitches.

scout: he might've done it but he's not gonna say that he did. especially if he's not certain he did it. in fact, he will simply look the other way. he doesn't throw blame, because he knows it's just as likely he did it and forgot. but there are certain things that happen that he knows he would never do. and at that point, it's none of his business. he's gonna look the other way. and he is of no use to the administrator. he's interacted with enough cops to know these questions. did you see anything? "nope." are you sure? "yeah, i was in my room all night." well, we have you on film— and he'll stop them right there and remind them he lives with spy, so what the fuck are they talking about. literally could've been anyone.

soldier: soldier is the reason why the team's communication skill has become more direct. the team must shoulder check him, kick him in the shins, pull him aside, and tell him to keep your god damn mouth shut. and this, soldier can do. as the years wear on, there comes a point where soldier just learns that everything within the team to the public is strictly confidential. however, within the team, everything is fair and free game. and the blu team... are they not one and the same? if they don't know, they will find out. and gossip is gossip, and that is an honored code amongst women. he can trust women. it got to a point where pauling was begging him to quit implicating her in their contract-breaking debauchery.

pyro: pyro might have done it, but if they know they didn't, it's hell on earth. pyro and tavish feed into each other in this way; and neither one of them truly want to give up whatever ground they perceive to have over each other. it doesn't help that it's like oil on fire. they just hype each other up. what truly makes pyro stand out is their willingness to be a scapegoat. pyro gets away with everything. no exceptions, and no discussions. you ever think you're doing something you're not supposed to be doing? ask pyro to take the blame. if they like you (and they most likely do); they will.

demo: tavish is not taking any responsibility for anyone else's actions. and yes, he does throw blame. tavish is quick to put on his investigator hat and connect dots that have absolutely nothing to do with each other. tavish, as lovely as he is, does poorly in tension. his accusations are honest, and that's what makes it worse. he truly believes that, if soeone did it, it was probably one of these eight. and if it was him, he'll say it! truth is, most people do not severely punish tavish, regardless of the severity of his fuck up. and while he appreciates this, everyone in the room is well aware that— while 99.9999% of his mistakes are genuine— to harp on him about it is to challenge him to a fight.

heavy: misha will admit to a mistake. misha will also own to something he in fact meant to do. nobody needs to fight his battles, and nobody will beat him to admitting his own faults. and frankly, his rapport with his team would never allow that to happen. misha could be caught red handed, elbow deep in the cookie jar and the team simply does not see it. misha himself said "i did it, it was me, here's the evidence" and the team roars their protest. you lying bitch! remove the gun from that man's head immediately, which is the only way he would say these things! and they do not care that you are unarmed.

engineer: shit, between one third of the team simply never saying anything under any circumstances, and another third of the team willing to take full blame, and the support classes doing— whatever the fuck it is they do, to ask engineer to say anything is like asking for the team to put his head on a pike. dell takes a very passive approach, and lets the team implode on itself. then he comes up missing. dell would never call himself confrontational. he won't back down from a fight, but he's not going out of his way to talk to anyone he's not legally obligated to. because, chances are, he was probably the one who did it. dell will be the first to know when that audit ends, he'll be up to hear it.

medic: you know what? fuck it. he did it. did he actually? doesn't matter now. he's taking full responsibility for the action, and whatever happened as a result of it. herbert is a proud man. and this job is certainly not needed. but he actually quite likes his little setup. so when the administrator gets the hair up her ass to actually begin observing, and questioning them, he gets aggressive. and he puffs his chest out to anyone doing her dirty work, too. she wants to know who "did it"? fine; he did it. now, what are you going to do as her little messenger?

sniper: you know— for the right price, and with the right connections, you could get mick to tell you. and he'll tell you what, it was never him. he, personally, never did it. and even if he did... no he didn't. and you better not tell anyone. issue is, mick believes in the seniority rule. so the only people he's actually willing to cover for is the team, and he doesn't even know why, most of the time. mann co, in general, can get fucked, to be quite fair. he's got enough put away. and it puts you pretty far at the bottom. he's not willing to be bothered with problems. anything that becomes a problem he either shucks off immediately, or handles.

spy: he's oddly casual. there's something about stoking the flames of blame that really gets him going. he's smoking his cigarette, and the glow of the cherry masks the twinkle of inquisition at the team. their varied and vivid reactions. even the messengers who think they're smart enough to pull the team to the side, and quietly question on behalf of the administration. and he waits. waits for the shit to hit the fan, and the tensions to rise to their boiling point. watches the facades crack, fracture and crumble. and spy reassures the team in the only way he knows how. offered cigarettes in hours of silence. and then he approaches the messenger. it is a long night of nothing but raw information, only allowed in the empty broom closet with a notepad and a pen. as he speaks, and as they notate, and he begins to reach the end of his information, the murder is swift. a single gunshot rings through the base, the notepad is collected and secured, and he is off. it quit surprising the administrator the third time he did it. it's a simple smile. it's what she pays him for. she should trust him. and this would happen more often if it didn't work on her, sometimes.

#team fortress 2 #team fortress two #tf2 medic #tf2 spy #tf2 heavy #tf2 sniper #tf2 scout #tf2 pyro #tf2 demo #tf2 soldier #tf2 demoman #tf2 engineer

the cold was bitter.

wretched and bone-withering.

it caused your feet to retreat from the floor. it shocked you. though you welcomed it. and it forced your patience to extend its shelf life. these were things you would learn to be thankful for, bask in nature's grace to gift you gentle lessons that have proven fatal for others.

you will not be listening to her tonight.

your steps join the mice in the base in the scurrying across teufort's icy floors. you pull on your thickest fabrics. felt your exhales heat the fabric as you pull it to your face.

this was meager. but this will work.

you shouldn't be as giddy as you are, but god, were you. any opportunity out of this place was one you took. and in the colder months, the team turned in early. you were counting seconds from minutes, splitting the differences and memorizing the winter nightlife. you knew their routines.

you quietly thanked scout again for the clock. 1:21. he really doesn't know how effective of a tool it is for you. you slipped your boots on, and quietly slid through your door.

ah, the icy silence. a joy. nine people fill space quickly. it exhausts you sometimes. it was pleasant when they were gone for battle, though it soothed you more when they were asleep, where they were supposed to be. you thought whether this should be the day you begin looking in on them, as they do you. and though the thought humored you, you decided against it.

you had a feeling it wouldn't read the same way. you continued down the hall of the defense wing.

the wonderful thing about the defense wing is that the men who reside there are noisy. passing each bedroom gleaned you some form of snore.

loud snore.

loud snore overlaying quiet classical.

louder snore-groan harmonizing with these quiet little clicks, and a sigh of a beep.

all seems correct. you continue on.

for a select few, these halls would be too dark to traverse. you've learned it, however. the chairs that don't get pushed in. the tables that will have various items left atop them. plates. silverware. paperwork. you've gotten confident at guessing who left what. the seconds of darkness between each fade of the emergency lights left like opportunity.

you round the corner into the welcoming hallway, and are met with a very short end.

you don't remember when walls had that much give, actually.

the realization came to you, as your hand came to your mouth, as the gasp entered your lungs.

his sharp inhale was not missed, either.

oh, shit.

he towered over you.

the emergency lights continued to fade in and out of consciousness, and the mirages of expressions began to blur.

your wide eyes matched for the moment.

your faces steeled the next.

his stare narrowed, and his face pulled flat.

you faded back into view with a squeamish scowl.

both of you glance at the door down the hall in the dark.

the lights made his sclerae bleed. you swore it. they swore to burst behind the sudden grey in his eyes. you opted to look at his forehead, watch it crinkle in something akin to anger, but not quite there. perhaps disapproval. you couldn't know. this lighting did him no favors. but the softening of his face did. not understanding. simply... calculating. you were aware he did this often. he calculated any risk. and his risk will calculate whether the risk you took was worth it.

the lights began to focus as you did, too. you begin to turn to leave, and in the dark, you hear shifting of fabric.

the lights rose to him shifted to the left, though not diminished, and his stare remained. keen. almost intent to see what you do. you quietly wished you could tell.

you shrank, and quietly scurried in the dark.

he overtook you by the final twinkle of the emergency lights.

it was overwhelming. he was overwhelming. and he was a rush. you tucked easily into his frame, and the door whipped open. your face instinctively flinched from the wind, now fully uninhibited. you were immediately turned to the right, and walked.

misha remained behind you. he adjusted his own coat. you clutched your arms to yourself. when you attempted to slow, he simply wouldn't let you. he was too big to stop. he continued to walk, and you were obligated to lead.

you had counted upwards of 700 paces before he finally stopped.

as you opened your mouth to mention the exhaustion in your legs, his face opted you out of that. at the end of the day, this was what you wanted. now you have to explain yourself to him. you both remained quiet for a moment.

"...you get it, right?"

that was a bad place to start. his brow furrowed.

"how did you get the code."

"i'm not a snitch."

"you will be dead shortly. confess."

"i'm not telling."

his nostrils flared, and the cold suddenly felt less stinging. this was wretched.

"it's not a crime... to want to be outside." you remembered who you were talking to, and evened your tone out. the initial shock of the encounter was beginning to fade. you don't have to be cruel to misha. a softer touch will never harden him further. "i like to be outside."

you went quiet. allowed it to sink in.

"you are stupid." you weren't sure what you expected as a response, but that one wasn't it. "did you not realize there are cameras? cameras that have caught you."

"i never doubted they were on." you cut him off quickly, and this time the way his face turned didn't frighten you as much. the cold was becoming a larger contender for your attention. "it was never about their functionality. it was about their access. everyone sleeps, right? doesn't matter how it happens. and there's only so many people working for this... place, you know? who's looking at me?"

"more than you think." his response was quicker than you thought. even through the frustration in his tone, his face... softened. a comforting and comfortable look of worry began to etch itself into his face. a familiar look, with how easily he wore it. "you need to be careful."

"well, truth be told, i thought i was. running into you was a— shock, to say the least."

"... as were you. walk behind me."

this configuration those seven hundred plus paces was much more preferred. his body, now not pressing against yours, blocked the wind, and the chill was slightly more bearable. and his hand, reaching behind him, feeling gently for your coat, and pulling you to his side as the camera's view gained more advantages, you wondered for a moment if this is how his teammates felt beside him in the heat of battle. whether their superior knowledge of him made them simply... orbit around him. and he just doesn't think about it, anymore. all the lives that orbit around him. you lost yourself in the silence of the paces, and the quiet mental doodles of the team dancing around him. you notice his eyes flick to you; instinctively, you smiled. and you looked away.

the door opened, and you took the opportunity of the door being open to scurry in, before you made a quick heel-turn.

wait.

it was hushed, and misha stared down at you, before leaning in to hear you better.

why did you get out?

you feel his eyes once again flick back to you, before standing back up. he begins to walk, and your instinct now was to follow. you both do sleep on the same floor. and somehow, this walk felt just as wretched as it would've had it been taken an hour ago. but he seemed refreshed. more awake than he was when you found him. you, on the other hand, were nipped to the bone. he stopped in front of his door, and put his ear to it. after a moment, he turned the handle and walked in. you remained still.

a hand waved you in, and you inhaled deeply.

you entered on the exhale, and stood in the darkness of the room. he made no move to turn the lights on, and you respected that he didn't need it. if this were your room, you wouldn't either. you hear the shifting of fabric, the quiet padding of his steps, and something cold pressed into your hand. you bring it closer to your face, and realize it was a radio.

the winter makes them sluggish, and that makes them stupid.

is there— is there a reason nobody leaves?

we do.

he huffs, silently humored.

i do.

your face turned at that, but you ignored the pang you felt.

is there a reason i can't?

it's reckless, at this point. you leave, you talk, we're fucked. no longer the safest option, for any of us. he pat your shoulder. but we like you. could be worse. nothing to truly miss, anyway.

you couldn't help the scoff at that.

i had a life, too.

his response left no dead air.

we all did. welcome to your new one.

#team fortress 2 #team fortress two #tf2 heavy

YOU, AND YOUR DOUBLE CROSSING WAYS.

scout: the offensive class will throw you for a loop. none of them really want to believe it. but scout outright refuses it. he simply chooses to not believe that you are betraying him. he continues to speak to you kindly, refer to you highly, and the team learns that as long as you're there, scout is officially cut off from the team. they don't trust you, and he does. so they just can't trust him, either. this breaks the team's hearts; individually and collectively. they're begging him to leave you alone. but he just won't. he can't believe you could even do something so... cartoonishly evil. just outright wrong. there's fucked up and then there's what they're swearing you are. and he doesn't want to believe it.

soldier: if you say you didn't do it, then you didn't do it. he's plugging his ears when the team discusses what to do with you and your wretched betrayals. he's notably not in the room as they decide your fate, and truthfully, he's worthless in it, anyway. he doesn't want to be the one to sign your death warrant. and then he goes to ask you. it is a quiet plea from the man. he wants you to tell him you didn't do it. he wants you to mean it. and when he hears that, it's really all he needs. he and tavish become bastions for you, and most likely the key to your survival as you navigate the web you had woven amongst yourself and killers. he would help you. he just wants to know you didn't do it.

pyro: it's rare that pyro is the one who has to make the vibe check. it's not that pyro is naïve, it's that pyro begins to wonder where the line is. pyro would like to remind the team that they kill people for a living. none of them are angels, here. so how pissed off do they actually get to be? but they don't want to ask questions. it's easy to assume the hooves they're hearing are horses. you're feeding information to the blu team. so? go steal some back for the red team. doesn't that sound fair and easy? please take the fair and easy way. this is the best thing they can offer you. and pyro will keep your secrets, if you can ensure you're keeping their team in good standing. you can't spy on a team that you've destroyed. and eventually, pyro will try to find spy. they need advice. they've begun entangling themselves in your web, and they're not sure how to get out. your saving grace is that spy doesn't care.

demo: tavish is so conflicted about it that he hates you on principle, but he's the one arguing hardest for your innocence. it's not that he doesn't think that you wouldn't do it, in fact, he is almost certain you did. but everyone deserves a second chance. and tavish, much like the rest of the defense men, is a strong moral compass within the team. so the fact that he's arguing so hard for your redemption gives them pause. if it were any other member of the team, they would think it's because that teammate was also sharing secrets and couldn't lose the ally. but they know tavish would never do that. and they hear him. they hear him scream at you. demand you explain yourself then never give you the space to do so. and then they watch him stew over it. grind his teeth and bury his face in his hands and plead in your name. they watch him lose sleep over it. and then they hate you more.

heavy: you've got a week to live. misha can stave off the paranoia for a week, maximum. he can tell himself you're not getting anything good. he's aware of dell's ties to upper management. he knows spy does it for the love of the sport. he has no idea why you would think to go against this team. and he's got no idea who you could be talking to. he doesn't know if it's administration. he doesn't know if it's the mob. he doesn't know if it's worse. and misha will take matters into his own hands within the week. it doesn't matter who attempts to soothe him. it doesn't matter how many times you insist your plan, swear you're being truthful. he can't trust you. you have to go. depending on who you are, he will never be the same. but you will never know that.

engineer: you’re about to piss dell off. if you’re getting sent on these kinds of contracts, then administration doesn’t trust him, and that’s a problem. see, the conagher name can only get him so far, here. life dealt him quite the pretty hand, and he’s not very willing to give that up. administration knows this, and knows they have the metaphorical gun pointed at each other’s heads. so the addition of new, undiscovered variables keeps both sides on their toes. and frankly, both sides are willing to do what they need to in order to get their strings attached to you first. and if dell thinks he’s got it— got you— in the bag, and that turns out to be false, it is catastrophic. so you’ll either get with his program, or you’ll find yourself out of this corporeal realm. and that’ll only hurt a bit if he really likes you. but he doesn’t like you enough to give up his hold. and he’ll never like you more than he likes power. and if you're on the respawn machine; you're off it.

medic: it is with the widest smile that he shushes you and continues along his day. you stupid little thing. these aren't the kinds of confessions you make to your team. he's not sure what fairytale you tumbled out of, but they kill people, here. and now, you've given him a healthy lump of blackmail. and it doesn't matter what you've been stealing, really. intel, blueprints, blackmail of your own, whatever. whatever you deemed important enough to fuck this up so horrifically, he knows was never that important... unless it was. and he's not going to reveal that to you. you just proved yourself untrustworthy. he would absolutely rat you out to the team if someone else doesn't get their hands on you first.

sniper: the hands that will get on you first. mick thinks the fuck not, you raggedy ass bitch. mick is a true godsend to the team, because mick leaves no room for discussion. and mick will find out first, before you've got time to admit to your sins. all he needs to see is the flash of blue. he notices how twitchy you get around the team. how you steel yourself the next time you're around. you're acting fishy, and he gets suspicious, fast. and it's hard to get his eye off of you. he just needs one instance of your betrayal before his own eyes and he'll kill you there. you won't make it back to the base. he eats breakfast the next morning with the team. they ask how his night went, he responds pest removal, and the team doesn't question it further. they know what he meant when he said it. they will not miss you.

spy: see, truth is, it’s pretty hard to get spy to have an issue with you. you either exist in his periphery or you don’t exist at all. but there’s one really easy way to get around this. if you pose a problem for the team, you pose a problem for spy. and spy’s not stupid. spy absolutely understands that when you began getting solo contracts, you were being asked to switch sides. he’s done it. he’s been there, too. and maybe you refused once or twice. but you finally agreed. and now, you’re an enemy. whether the team finds out or not, doesn’t matter to him. additionally, there’s not many people in this company that spy actually answers to. so when you two begin answering to the same person, he tends to feel threatened. his job is no longer secure, especially if you’re good at it. he’ll drive himself crazy in the attempts to stop you. he’s the only one on the team allowed to betray them, and he needs to know the information being spread. the loss of that control is the nail in your coffin.

#team fortress 2 #team fortress two #tf2 medic #tf2 spy #tf2 heavy #tf2 scout #tf2 sniper #tf2 pyro #tf2 demo #tf2 soldier #tf2 demoman #tf2 engineer #tf2 #inspiration struck me like lightning

THE BLU TEAM, CRYING.

scout: it's genuinely gross. it's so snotty, and you hear him sniffling, and then you hear spitting. and he's really trying to hide the sounds of sobs through the spitting, which is already really gross, and you look at the loogies and they're disgustingly thick, and you'd almost think he's sick until you actually see his face and see that he can't stop. and then you think he's choking, because he is, trying to cry through spitting, and he's choking on it. it's like he doesn't want to let it out. it;s not like he really has a shoulder to cry on with the team, either. except pyro, pyro's cool.

soldier: jane doesn't actually think he's capable of crying anymore. he has been severely punished for most of his life for the transgression of shedding tears, and he doesn't anymore. the last tear he shed was when his father died. it was just too soon. it was too soon to his mother. it was a lot to take on at once. he was dealing with a lot of shit. he just couldn't handle it. and he broke. he momentarily considered killing himself, and then pride latched onto him. he was better than this. he was always taught he was better than this. he can't prove that wrong now. he made that promise to himself, and he's upheld it ever since. he doesn't give his counterpart much grief about it either.

pyro: pyro is more than okay with crying alone if it means they can play therapist to their team. they're not sure if the team is aware of this, but pyro is most certainly a personality hire. pyro doesn't like to be known as a bummer, so pyro keeps everyone's spirits up. there is not enough of that on this team. they can't add to the misery. and it seems like everyone is miserable for a different nothingburger of a reason. so you might not be real, who cares? how does that affect the life being lived now, that never seems to end? by stifling the literal endless possibilities. never cry about a situation that seems to be nothing but good. hell, if they really looked at it, their life has hardly begun to start it with misery.

demo: tavish is not aware if the night terrors came before or after the war, but he knows they're here now. he feels like a baby, and it pisses him off. he wakes up, mid-cry. reaching for nothing but air, and he immediately falls silent, before giving an audible what the fuck? he really just gets mad, and it really stems from his inability to understand. his counterpart has tried, and he doesn't blame the man for it or anything. he just wants to know how serious he should be taking it. are these the kind of nightmares that kill people.

heavy: you know what; he'll say it— he's beginning to subscribe to the pyro methodology. when mikhail really thinks about it, he has nothing to... truly be upset for. just these vague feelings of wrongness. and the harder he thinks about it, the less he can justify holding onto it. he's pretty sure the technical term for that is shooting yourself in the foot. he is not a masochist, he would prefer to not do that. and it's helped. it's helped these elusive feelings. objectively, he is cared for. pyro's right. his life has only just begun. with the money he's stashed away, the possibilities are endless. and past that, he can't remember a time he's cried. not really. not viscerally. not in the body he feels is his.

engineer: it is with deep breaths, and this horrific wheeze. it sounds like he just took a shot of liquor, and then the noises start shaking. if you were to see him, he looks almost boyish. but if he thinks he's visible, he'll hide somewhere he knows he isn't. most likely to find at a random stop sign having a mental breakdown on the road. it's not very wet, but he does start sweating. it's almost instinctive. a physical replacement to the act of crying. it is just a frightened, agonizing wail, without the breath for anyone to hear it.

medic: if you see a tear in his eye don't trust it. his eyes look too big, and his corneas are bright and clear. there's not a look of strain. it's too— pretty. a lip, puckered out just enough. tears resting gently on his lashes, he lays it on thick and it's convincing but it's too good. he doesn't really cry. he gets melancholic. his face can't hold the tension it finds naturally. he looks tired. he looks sedated. his eyes are fighting closing and not opening again. and he's sallow. it's watching a machine slowly march into death, head high and ego intact.

sniper: stepping in time with his counterpart, he trembles as though the earth was giving way from beneath him. the difference is he starts wiping his face. rubbing at his eyes and giving an almost confused noise when it won't stop. he starts to get frustrated, but he can't make it to a boiling point before it withers him to nonfunction. he wishes he could subscribe to the pyro methodology, but it's been hard for him to wrap his mind around. you mean to tell him this is it? this is all he'll ever be? and he should just— be happy with that? he can't. he doesn't want to. but he's too scared to even think of what he could do past this. it almost makes him mad that everyone sees this as a stepping stone. this is the only home he's ever known. and sometimes that kills him. it kills him that he's not willing to give it up.

spy: this spy doesn't cry because it's fucking stupid. another victim of the artificially-injected melancholia, the red doctor tried to explain it to him once. he asked, frankly. he asked why he felt so many things, he felt all of this, and why his reaction wasn't to cry. these felt like moments he should cry. the doctor was honest. said truthfully, he didn't know. and not to sound like an ass, but when he's given direct orders to cut corners, his notetaking tends to suffer in response. and he wished he knew. it's why he did what he did. that was the day the blue frenchman realized that the man was an actual societal menace. literally sickening to even think about the fact that he's alive and exists in the public space, and sometimes he's not happy about the fact that there are two of them, now.

#team fortress 2 #team fortress two #tf2 medic #tf2 spy #tf2 heavy #tf2 sniper #tf2 scout #tf2 pyro #tf2 demo #tf2 soldier #tf2 demoman #tf2 engineer

MERCS, LAUGHING!

scout: the man most similar to his counterpart, scout is shrill. the difference is that this scout talks through his laughter. so while the rest of the scout pack will be laughing and cackling and tee-heeing, you can guarantee that at least one scout will tell you exactly why they're laughing. and more likely than not, that scout will be a red scout! he cackles a get the fuck outta here! and snickers into his hands. and the way his eyes twinkle. it's worth every stupid joke you could make to him.

soldier: though he does take after his counterpart in being an evil chuckler, it is not often that there are noises coming out of the man that aren't coherent. it is more likely that he will stare at you and, without emoting, respond with "that's pretty funny. you think you're funny?" and then you get called joker for the rest of your life because you thought you were george carlin and soldier happened to agree. and it doesn't help that the red soldier is the objectively funnier soldier. he's just got such a way with words.

pyro: it is so hard to actually make a distinction between the pyros when all you have to go off of is their laughter. they sound the same. soldier would say "like girls", but! the rhythm is different. the blu pyro is a continuous giggler, while the red pyro stops every seven to ten giggles to heave. and they tend to buckle forward, as their counterpart throws themselves back in their fits of laughter. if you time your joke right in front of them both, you can watch them alternate positions as they rock back and forth.

demo: it is ridiculously easy to get tavish to laugh. the man is eternally good humored, and the best part is every instance is a breath of fresh air. the team is willing to admit they are... somewhat wretched people. whether they choose to be that way or were born that way. tavish is a break from the mold. the team usually looks to tavish to see how pleased they should be about a situation, and then they half it. and god, do they just adore that man's laugh. full-bodied, and full of vigor. clutches his stomach like his father. does a lot of whooping.

heavy: keeping the trend of the defense men going, do not let misha's natural intimidation, well, intimidate you! the man is prone to a good joke. to some of the team, it is already hard enough to fight with the man, but as they got to know him, the team has learned that he needs a good joke to continue throughout the day. thing is, you gotta treat him like an old car. you gotta get him started, and then wait for him to heat up. misha would love a stand up comedy set. and he rings like a bell. you absolutely cannot ignore the way his laughter sounds like a choir. which is why people get worried when he starts to sound like he's barking. trust, regardless of what he's laughing at, he's thoroughly enjoying himself.

engineer: oh, god, don't let this man laugh. that's nefarious. know if he's laughing he's planning some shit. even the quietest snort, the most subtle flare of the nostrils, that's a sign he's up to no good. most of the team thinks he has a dark humor, and that is true, in a sense. which is why you have to listen to what he's laughing at. dell's not a man known for gallows humor. that requires being the one with your neck in the noose. dell derives his humor in mockery. dell gets his kicks for being the one to load the gun and put it on the table. he slaps his thighs and stomps the ground on the technicality of innocence. the man throws stones and his glass house is just a very good plastic. and it's the nuances of it all which makes him chortle.

medic: oooooh, hoohoohoohoohoooo! it is a bird song to those who are searching for it. and it's delicious to drink in. and anything else is false. it is artificial. they are learned calls of domesticity, and this is a showcase of joy. this is him holding serenity and peace in his hands and throwing it in the air to soar. this is what the sheep hear across hundreds of acres of meadow. this is what they heel to. o's, and the variety of the noises they make, feel soft on the doctor's tongue. they slide through his throat and open him up. it eases well into other sounds, and ends sweetly from his timbre. then he gets a little mischievous.

sniper: he starts coughing. he starts quite literally hacking up a lung. which is hilarious, because he's not really the smoker of the two snipers! granted, they're both pretty frequent smokers, but only mick sounds like it. it's almost odd how much clearer his counterpart is. it makes him sound like he's speaking through a muffler. and it almost makes it even funnier. he can keep the team laughter going for a solid seven minutes due to him choking on his own spit. and while he's writing on the floor, everyone is too busy laughing to actually try to help him. someone get him a glass of water.

spy: while spy's counterpart sounds like a dainty little dog lapping water from a bowl, he himself sounds like ten cows blowing through a tuba. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. foghorn headass. it's actually very annoying to listen to spy laugh from the immediate disorienting beginning. it's just so alarming to hear from the man, especially when you're not supposed to hear the man at all. his snickers and chuckles are subtle signs of superiority, and less about the actual showcasing of good will and kind intentions. also a man who chortles. if you see him (at all, frankly) with dell, you need to go the other way. seriously, they're up to no good.

#team fortress 2 #team fortress two #tf2 medic #tf2 spy #tf2 heavy #tf2 sniper #tf2 scout #tf2 demo #tf2 pyro #tf2 soldier #tf2 demoman #tf2 engineer

THE MERCS DODGING BULLETS.

scout: you know, sometimes, he did wish he knew his dad. okay, no he doesn't, but he wished he had the certainty of knowing who his dad was. he just wanted to know what he's like. what he wasn't like. how much he took after him. his mom always insisted he looked nothing like him. his brothers said he looked like them, but a little different. it's become something he doesn't think about a lot, but when he does, it kinda boils him over. that guy just— got to live his life. he hopes it fucking sucks. scout hopes he's doing better than him. and he supposes he's lucky he'll just never know.

soldier: look this man in his melanin-deprived eyes and ask him seriously if he's ever dodged a bullet. he'll tell you he used to. let him be honest, being shot is no fun. but his body aged, and he stopped being able to anticipate someone's aim as well as he once could. and learning how to take a bullet is one of the smartest things someone could do for themselves in this country, because getting shot feels very bad. it's as though you become a faucet, and the liquid you're spewing is hot, and it's not coming back. fighting through the mental strain of pain manifesting as panic is a skill that takes years to learn. better to get the jump on that now.

pyro: can you imagine if pyro actually faced legal repercussions for a single thing they've done a day in their life? it's almost a joke to the team. they just laugh at it. they think it's hilarious, they don't even think that's an actual thing. they've called the police on pyro themselves, somehow they never end up gong to prison. nobody knows the strings being pulled to keep them out of the penal system's hands, but where the fuck do they get some of that, too? pyro doesn't even think about it anymore. they see it as keeping the fire department in business.

demo: oh, you're asking the wrong idiot. tavish has never been able to actually avoid the worst outcome of a situation since he was born. if something good is happening, it will go very bad at any minute. tavish has learned to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. tavish has learned it is simply in his nature to suffer. so he celebrates despite it. he will take an impossible task head on, because he knows the only way out is through. and he has too much pride. there's no fun in the act of avoiding a terrible outcome. the funniest stories come from the worst plans. that's why jane's his friend.

heavy: asking misha about a bullet he dodged somehow made his silence quieter. his face begins to turn in its contemplation. scowl and gape as he struggles to form a sincere reply. his face doesn't truly change as he finally answers. does— does the experience of surviving the gulag— is that dodging the bullet or surviving the gunshot after? he can't call that a dodged bullet. he took that shot, but he lived. many people died there. but was that the better outcome. he falls silent again. he gets no say in that. his father had never seen the sights he has. maybe his father dodged the bullet by using him as the shield.

engineer: dell doesn't dodge bullets, dell makes sure the gun's not pointed at him in the first place. dell is an intelligent man, and dell has never in his entire life taken a risk he has not triple calculated. not since he was young, okay, he was stupid when he was young. he had enough run-ins with the law as a teenager that he learned quickly he never wanted that smoke. he's willing to do a lot of things, but one of the first things he learned as a conagher is to know whose hands are greased by whom; and whose are yet to receive. it's easier to know when to shoot at dell when you watch his smaller actions.

medic: medic thanks the lord every day for taking genevieve off this earth before divorce was truly an option. firstly, being a widower is great. lots of pity to be had in that club. you can get away with a lot. he was burning bodies and arguing his grief in the courts. that was his best friend, he's allowed to lie on her name. and the truth is, there was no real legal basis for them to leave each other. he simply never knew she was having an affair. and while he does now, his vows are already fulfilled. until death. and he was a good man until the day she died. and now he's this. it is said with a grin. also, when she died, he got her family's estate. marriage was truly nothing but a net positive for him, he'd recommend it to anyone.

sniper: mick's sixth sense has been well honed over his years of living, and he likes it that way, thank you very much, because a dodged bullet in his life meant death. when he was younger, the kids used to say he was easy to spook off, and to this day mick gets the hardcore creeps. this has consistently kept him safe, too. he spent a lot of time in the outback, and had fewer and fewer injuries as he returned. but he fucked up a lot as a kid to get there. but he tried to never put himself in a position to get killed... until he was older. but now he's on the respawn machine. newsflash, though, dying still isn't fun.

spy: spy busts out laughing when you ask him. you know, spy has two thought processes about this. he's either never been caught slipping, ever, a day in his life; or everything he's ever thought he outran has actually bit him in his ass tenfold. but here he is. whole, and in an infinitely better place than he was born into. he wipes the tears from his eyes. there is no such thing as dodging a bullet. every event is an assault. every person you meet is an enemy. it just depends on when they turn on you.

#team fortress 2 #team fortress two #tf2 medic #tf2 spy #tf2 heavy #tf2 sniper #tf2 scout #tf2 pyro #tf2 demo #tf2 soldier #tf2 demoman #tf2 engineer

scout: it was a rare time he was willing to match pace with you. you offered to tag along with him on a trip home. he didn't want to go alone, and you understood that. sometimes family can be a lot. as you walk the streets of boston, packing light as you walked from the bus, you both remained silent. you didn't know what to say, and you didn't know what he wanted to hear. you supposed it didn't matter. he asked for the company, and you had to give him something. hey, scout? he grunted in the quiet morning hours. we got this. that's all i wanted to say. his silence was deafening for a moment. then he laughed.

soldier: allowing soldier to touch you was always filled with hesitance. something about the idea struck fear into you. deeper than you've ever felt it. yet you stood before him, and saw that fear reflected back to you. it never occurred to you that he would be as scared as you are. you both stand, blocking the other's way, and unsure of how to proceed. as soldier advanced, you retreated, he paused. you attempt to advance, he primes for a flank, you begin your retreat. eventually, he tires of the game. he just needs you out of the way of the hall. he can do this.

pyro: it's a silly game to flirt with the pyro, but damn is it not one of the most fulfilling games you love to play with them. the team warns you against this, but you have always thought they coddled the mercenary. and it almost felt confirmed with every compliment you crooned their way. at this point, itwas something you did to watch the team's stomachs churn, and less about pyro. regardless, the target of your affections paid no mind to this. they were fighting the butterflies in their stomach more often than they actually thought about you. is this what love feels like? they had to know.

demo: tavish was your guy. he told you this when you had first met, and he had never proven that wrong a day he had known you. you know, you don't think you'd ever been so positively affected by the buddy system. it was perfect. tavish was perfect. he was confident, he was knowledgeable, and he was so much softer than you thought he was capable of. you almost felt ashamed you underestimated the man as much as you did. you felt silly, and in the same thought, you let it go, opting to slip your hand in his. almost inquisitively, he threw a glance over his shoulder, lighting up at your action as he registered it.

heavy: in his dreams, this is all he ever wanted. in the deepest parts of his psyche, he could tell himself: this was it. this was always it. and he fought the smile creeping across his face. this was all he ever wanted. your silence was soft. you were soft. you were deflated. you were littered in marks too big to be anyone else's. and each motion he forced your body through was a prayer, answered only by the softest gurgles. thick, lazy, and oh so good to him. he stared down at you, pupils blown.

engineer: it's really funny how things can go so wrong for you. that's all you can think as the words on the papers begin to blur together. and even as you look around, and nothing else registered inside your mind than how could you fuck up so horribly? how could you end up here? and what exactly did you give away to be here. the breath you exhaled squeaked on its way out. it made your head hurt, almost. and it made dell look so sympathetic to your cause. you could almost believe his piteous smile. you could believe he wanted nothing but the best for you. and who were you to go against what he had known well before you?

medic: you can only think, what a fun man to get under the influence. of what? doesn't matter, you weren't really thinking about that more than you thought about how red his face got. how much louder he can get. how unprofessional he is. you both share goofy grins amongst each other. brows furrowed at this inherent feeling of wrongness. and little did you both know your thoughts were echoed amongst each other. what is that flush from? where does the touch come from if it is not needed? as you both fall into the shared delusion, this ignored wish of something more, you felt it. under the table. you both stare at each other, almost shocked, before the grins grew crazed.

sniper: as we tick onto hour five of this precarious situation, mick had a funny thought. if he had the opportunity to do this all over again, he would make sure he got here. no, he wouldn't stay in high school, like his parents wanted. he wouldn't come home the first time they asked. he wouldn't say no to the first hit he was ever paid for. he wouldn't turn it down for the job on the boat his father had toiled to find him. he wouldn't get on the wrong flight, leading him to new mexico. he'd sign that contract happily. he'd wait quietly until you begin to show your face. he wouldn't let a single contract pass him by. he'd take every single one, to make sure he was here, with you, dangling over this cliff. clutching desperately to roots, giving way to your weight by the minute. he'd do it all again to make sure it was him, right here, right now. as he thought this, his breaths deepened.

spy: perhaps you wouldn't have even registered what he had done. fear at what was before you both overcame your every sense. it was overwhelming. you were frightened. and as your mind begged for your body to do something, anything than stand shock still. but warfare was still new to you. espionage was a unique experience. and these things from the losing side will kill people. and he didn't know why, he wouldn't know why he would waste the seconds on you, but he had to. he had to do something. he needed you to move.

TIGHTLY, THE MERCENARY CLUTCHED YOUR HAND.

#team fortress 2 #team fortress two #tf2 medic #tf2 spy #tf2 heavy #tf2 sniper #tf2 scout #tf2 pyro #tf2 demo #tf2 soldier #tf2 demoman #tf2 engineer

dell. dell. dell. dell.

dell! dell! dell!

the man's eyes shot open at the consistent chirping of his name and he sat up in a panic, engulfed in darkness and the twinkling of artificial red stars.

the workshop was empty. nothing but he and the quiet beeping and ticking of the machines he lovingly crafted, faithfully trained at the door. in the split second of panic, his surroundings began to register to him.

the sentries clicked, chirped quietly. no sounds or signs of intruders.

the teleporter quietly whirred in the corner.

all seemed well.

his face twisted further into the scowl, and his body fell back onto the bed. he paid no mind to the blueprints and various allen wrenches shifting around him, though he did reach for the water bottle on its final gulps of usefulness. this is what made him feel as though something wasn't right. dell never sacrificed sleep. it's the one thing war has taught him to do.

so why couldn't he continue his rest?

he sat back up as quickly as he had laid down. he felt for his shirt, and quickly pulled it on. he sacrificed his balance exiting the bed to rub the sleep from his eyes, stumbling. though he caught himself with a grumble, it was another recognition that fell to the wayside.

something isn't right. there's a reason he can't sleep.

his eyes flicked upwards, to the loft he was lucky enough to not have to build himself.

the team has been told this, though how often they actually remember this is unknown to him. there are cameras littering every inch of this base. and he's the one with the quickest access to see them. so it's an immediate problem that not a single one of those screens were on.

this would seem almost humorous if dell didn't have every inch of this room memorized. reaching under the bed, he found a small flashlight and flicked it on, following the beam up the stairs to a hat he didn't realize he wore of IT technician.

and he paused.

wouldn't it be faster to just... scan the base? he can make that run.

he thought further. it'd be better to get the doc involved, that way more people can cover more area. though he doubted the doctor would care.

his jaw set, and he continued up the stairs, crouching and beginning to assess the damage.

wires intact.

sockets look undamaged.

between checking the displays themselves and rechecking the wires, he began to go for the overhead lights. and when nothing happened, he cursed. he knew he should've just made the walk around the base.

he started to hustle. the thudding of his boots made him pause. they were kicked off before his exit continued, much quieter than it had been.

on the bottom floor, the noise echoes up. it'd be easy to give away any form of surprise he had.

his eyes flicked to the corner of the ceiling, where a camera patrolled and reported to nothing. he noted that he could even see. the infirmary was still lit, and he had no idea what time it was. doc's probably still up, and none the wiser.

he prefers it that way. he continues upstairs, counting the steps as he turns the landing, watching the blinks of the cameras hint to his next steps.

he paused on the second landing, looking up into the common areas.

this was bad positioning. but he could hear something. the quiet movement of chairs. he crouched down, and took the stairs on all fours.

he remembered which stair creaked, and crept past it.

as he reached the top, he flattened. the passing thought of how he must look made his face set. this better be something good, and administration better be off, asleep, or dead.

his head poked over, and he was indeed rewarded as a silhouette paused in the slow fades of the lights.

as the figure continued, so did he. and they fell in crouched synchronous steps. and as the figure disappeared into the only unlit hall, he paused. this was tentative, now, whoever this was is cornered. people do things they regret when they're cornered.

he's pretty sure he hadn't been noticed, either, because he could hear the quick beeps of the keypad. and one thought overpowered all others.

that better not be who he thinks it is.

and whoever gave the code up is in hot water.

he waited for the door to open.

advanced as it slipped shut.

allowed you to fall into the security of thinking you got away with this.

the crack you created with a shoestring flooded the hallway with enough light to blind him. his hand tightened around the handle, and he pushed it open further.

just enough to watch you leave.

you being so tense still.

and the further you got away from the door, the wider he opened it, until he stood, fully exposed.

and he couldn't help the grin as you turned around, and he watched your jaw drop.

he didn't wait for your reaction. he simply closed the door.

and he stared at the keypad, and the grin turned smug.

this isn't something that has to be made public.

but someone helped you.

and he can make sure everyone gets the message.

#team fortress 2 #team fortress two #tf2 engineer #*taylor swift voice* worst sleep that i ever had #that one is so real i am exhauuuuuuusted #i had to power through this and now i am most DEFINITELY going beddy byes #writers block has been killing me

A GOOOOOD REQUEST. MERCS, PROFESSING, TEACHING, AND RELATED.

scout: okay, you really don't even know how this guy got the job as contemporary literature teaching assistant. because you don't think you've ever seen him give below a C minus. it's insane. also; he genuinely doesn't care. you'd swear he got the job by fucking the professor, but he's TA to an old guy. when you interact with the professor, you then understand where scout is getting his attitude from. the guy's fucking brutal. the last time you argued one of scouts grades and the professor got a hold of it, he dropped it from a B to an F in five minutes, and took those five minutes to tell you exactly why you got that grade. when you took it back to scout, he absolutely gave you shit for trying to fuck with him, went back, and got you a 69.9, exactly, so the professor's round up clause in the syllabus would kick in. you learned that day to never argue scout's grades again. he's not just not giving a shit, he's actively making sure people pass this class.

soldier: military school headmaster. you'd actually be shocked at how seriously he takes this job. and the nuance he's able to hold when it comes to his cadets. he loves each one like a son. or a daughter. or undisclosed child honorific. these aren't numbers to him, these are fresh minds full of opportunity. his school has never been about being the funnel to the US military, though he does heavily encourage it. he's creating young adults ready to be fed to the american system. one of the best systems to exist, in his mind. the best thing you can be, to jane, is blood spilled in the name of his country, regardless of where you come from. and this works. because these cadets adore him. he is a man effective at two things: breaking people and propaganda. and he's good at the latter because he genuinely believes it. and if you give him enough time, he can make you believe it, too.

pyro: daycare owner! they own the daycare because they're still a felon, so nobody would hire them, but they love kids! pyro expects a lot from their employees. but pyro pays insanely well. and pyro does subscribe to the social game and the hierarchy. if they've known you long enough, you will be making a six figure salary, and what you say goes. granted, the second they start getting complaints, your seat is up for reelection. they love their friends. but they cherish those kids. they deserve the best. and if whoever's in charge can't give it to them, they'll keep firing until they find someone who can do the job well. it's just really hard, because the wrong people will absolutely get to that position before you actually do. but if you take care of them and their business, they will make sure you succeed.

demo: a very easygoing tutor. the wonderful thing about tavish is he's free. and he's pretty knowledgeable on most subjects! he can confidently aid you up until your specialized classes for your major. so in his free time, past his actual job, he's helping tutor the community. there is one thing you need to know, tavish will probably be drinking or drunk while he does it. this doesn't affect his tutelage, it just affects the way people see his tutelage. people really don't think a drunk can be intelligent. they don't think they can be helpful. and when tavish is carrying around a gallon of liquor, it's hard to try to defend himself against it. but the people who care don't matter, and the people who matter don't care. also, he's going to get you at least a C. he promises a degree is a degree, regardless of the letter grade. but tavish is a social man. his effervescence greatly makes up where he himself lacks, and he'll warn you: if you're not friendly, you need to pass your classes. he also gives wonderful opportunities with his academic recommendations. sometimes he forgets his name still holds professional weight.

heavy: the people who know misha as a professor adore him. but if you're not properly prepared for his course, you'll hate him. he is a man who gives little slack, and though he doesn't quite have tenure yet, faculty refers to him as though he does. the students who don't like him never prepared for how truly rigorous his courses are, but for the right student, they'll get hooked on him. they wish he taught everything. unfortunately, he's simply shouldering the european studies department. it's insane how many courses he teaches. best part is, it means if you've only got one of his classes, it's a once a week, two hour class. he's got an even educational pace, and the only way you fall behind is if you just don't show up to the class. he simply doesn't have enough time to accommodate absence. it's even written in his syllabus (which he doesn't go over): if there's one course you show up for, let it be this one. he will never post his lectures online. and if he doesn't like you— which is a real possibility, he just doesn't like you— he will bully you out of the class until you drop out. luckily, he's a man able to be swayed.

engineer: this man can't teach, he's still working on his thirteenth PhD. this man has the unfortunate burden of being a professional student. and in almost every class, you can pay dell for his notes. nobody can deny the man's intelligence. and his notetaking is stellar, truly remarkable at how seamlessly his notes can travel from student to student. the man's also found a loophole through every open note stipulation put before him. additionally, at this point, he's too old for young-twenties nonsense. he isn't a teacher's pet, or anything, he just won't help someone who won't help themselves. may be a part-time TA in his former classes to score some extra credit in his current ones. dell's behaviors in an academic setting put tavish as the odd one out. a master's earned with Cs will never amount to one earned with As, regardless of how hard you lie to yourself. it's not the same. somewhere, you are not functioning to your best.

medic: you could actually pay to pass this man's class, though his method of teaching will never let you consider that an option. medic does his best work in labs, when he is able to give his students practical experience. he has a fondness for his width of expertise, from his pharmaceutical bachelor's to his hard earned doctorate, medic truly does best as a stand-in for a professor who is sick, and most of his colleagues are happy to have him cover their lectures. their students never complain about him, and he always has glowing reviews for the students. this is because he bribes them. especially when he's stepping in on a friend's class. how much does everyone in this class make? get him half of the average and he'll pass everyone. he could be a professional substitute, but he's not allowed on high school campuses anymore because his experiments border on unethical, at best. and it's why he loves university. he is engaging, and when he isn't engaging, he is gone. he doesn't cancel class, just gives a passing grade for the day. you have to actively try to fail his class. his students respect him because he's never out of a job. hates when students actually use his office hours. unless you've got gossip, leave him alone. sells drugs to his students on the side.

sniper: one of mick's many previous jobs, and one he sometimes misses— he used to teach night classes for people to get their GED. they pissed him off sometimes, but it felt like honest work. it was fulfilling in its own way. this is where mick really garnered an appreciation for not only nightlife, but night owls. he's really come to appreciate the silence that comes with the night. it's made the day feel almost unbearable, but his body is hardwired to be an early bird. the best thing about the guy is he actually does care. he's getting paid to be there, so he cares. also, this is an effective tool that consistently gets him out of prison on good behavior. he takes over teaching the classes, he's usually out within four months, max. and that's because he's funneling people through these courses. if you're not willing to be insulted a little bit, you probably wouldn't like mick as a teacher. it's not that he does it on purpose, but he gets frustrated quickly. he can answer questions, but he can't stand stupid ones. if you listen to what he's saying, he promises you'll find the answer.

spy: spy has been fired from any position that even remotely involved taking someone under his wing because of his abysmal job at it. like, it's genuinely disturbing how absolutely shitty he is at training, teaching, advising, he's genuinely horrid. people under his watch die, and there is genuinely no exception to this rule. you could be— picking up shit, in a yard, and his negligence will be why you slip on some doggy diarrhea and fall and break your neck. the team keeps him away from kids because he might accidentally start taking lives. he's actually starting to wonder if he's an omen. on top of that, he's actually, genuinely horrible at trying to teach people things. he gets annoyed, then he gets mad. then he wants to put his hands on you. it's just never been his forte, and if it makes you feel better, he's not too inclined to learning, either. he either immediately succeeds or dies.

#team fortress 2 #team fortress two #tf2 medic #tf2 spy #tf2 heavy #tf2 sniper #tf2 scout #tf2 pyro #tf2 demo #tf2 soldier #tf2 demoman #tf2 engineer #*taylor swift voice* the hospital was a drag #i'm gonna keep quoting this song every time it takes more than two days for a post to come out #this was tasty i enjoyed writing it #dell and spy professional dumbass duo #they're so smart they just can't transfer that knowledge in a way that matters

My heart is flowkenuinley racing as I type this request because of how nervous I am and how cool you are SOO if you wanna.. could you do how you think the mercs would do or act as teachers.. ITS OKAY IF YOU DONT WANT TOO I KNOW IM BEING A CHUD RIGHT NOW 💔💔

WAIT.

WAIT THIS IS GOOD.

THIS IS GOOD.

ONE MOMENT.

#queue line #thanks for reaching out!

hi hello, i just want you to know your take on the mercs who are yandere react to you leaving them post has been stuck in my head ever since you posted it. i do not remember the exact take but just know that it has been on of the best headcanon take i've ever seen and i cannot find it on your blog without digging through mount everest. it brought so much food to my brain, op you have caused the writting/headcanon version of a music worm and it pains me that no matter how hard i scroll i cant find it. i want to steal your brain like how medic stole that guy's entire skeleton because how does one think so great. sincerely, a rabid yandere trope fan that found the best take on it for the mercs.

you hear muffled cackling from the rock you spoke to. with great effort, you hear a distinct "that's the point!"

and it is! this blog was formatted this way for one reason only: if you want to find something, you have to look through everything. i rarely use read mores because i want everyone to read everything i write! the collapse long post setting is a godsend for my blog. or you can run the gauntlet with tumblr's search function, either is a favorable reaction to me! i took the time to write them, after all!

all humor aside, i believe you mean this one! now you get your own button to get you directly there, no everest required :)

thank you for enjoying my headcanons!

#author's picks by mercenary #thanks for reaching out!

THE RED TEAM IS LOCKED THE FUCK IN.

scout: yanno, might shock you to hear this, but scout is not a man who would audibly call himself "locked the fuck in" unless he is absolutely locked the fuck out. trespassing on the property, that is how not locked in he is. he is rattling the gates, that is how not locked in he is. he is at the wrong address, that is how not locked in he is. there comes a point where he decides that it's just who he is. he's a guy who will never get anything done unless he's reminded... constantly. and know that this is an active choice he makes. he tried meds. it was against his will, but he tried it, and he wouldn't go back on them if you paid him. his ability to switch his full attention from second to second is truly what locks him the fuck in. it's a real gift he has, and it's best to let it remain that way.

soldier: the second soldier hears that term know it's over for the red team. just know, he is using that on a daily basis, and don't piss him off. it's like punching someone in their temple and telling them to fight back. he's gonna use it to ragebait his team, specifically, so that he can get better results on the field. and the worst part is, it works. here's the downside, by the time battle's over, the red team turns in on each other. it's a lot of finger pointing, and not much time before fists start flying. craziest part is, never are they aimed at soldier, they're aimed at the teammates that they thought fucked them up. because they're not willing to take any actual accountability. that's not soldier's fault, though, they just need to lock the fuck in.

pyro: see, pyro was not left out when the good lord was giving people the capability to lock the fuck in, pyro just doesn't like to do it. pyro likes to follow orders, and pyro doesn't like to have to focus on one thing for longer than a few minutes at a time. the less time pyro has to throw themselves completely into something, the less likely it is pyro gets overly concerned with things they should not worry their pretty little head about. the team refers to pyro as the nuclear option. there is nothing truly good that comes out of pyro's involvement of anything. they know dell is not too far behind.

demo: if tavish is locked the fuck in, he's possessed. you might think i'm being funny, i'm not being funny, he's carrying the eyelander and he lost this time. he lost that mental battle. the eyelander... thinks it would make a great tavish. nobody likes this, at all. tavish does not like this, the team does not like this, administration doesn't care but pauling does not like this. every time tavish is locked the fuck in, the team has to call merasmus to exorcise him. there was only once, that they were able to coax the spirit out by offering the vessel that is the sword reforged in australium. that is a trick that only works once. always crashes once the moment of hyperfocus is done. tavish can focus, he risks losing himself when he begins to hone in a little too tight.

heavy: misha's got two modes in which he is locked the fuck in. there's his responsibility focus, and it's how his bills get paid. that's how responsibilities are handled, and it is what the team is used to. that is the misha they know. but then, there's the dickhead who remembers he's got free will and he wants to show everyone what he can do with it. there is something about commanding fear that he gets off to. he just eats it up. he eats up the looks on their faces. from the team's perspective, it's the grizzly bear remembering the beast it is. fun on the field, not on the base.

engineer: dell is always locked the fuck in. it is his consistent state of being. and honestly, there's nothing better than accomplishing things, to him. it's so satisfying to go down a list and complete things. even when he's relaxing, he is never solely focused on relaxing. even when he's asleep, he can answer any questions he's asked. he just keeps wondering how his list gets longer every time he finishes it. there always seems to be more to do. sometimes he side eyes administration. then he starts asking for a pay raise. see, dell likes doing all this work because dell gets paid handsomely to do it. his checks revolve around him being locked the fuck in. with the conagher money, does he really need to? no, but it's nice to have his own fortune to rely on.

medic: shockingly, another man who would never consider himself "locked the fuck in". he has many things he avoids (he knows it makes him a hypocrite when he bitches to scout. despite what one may think, he does want the future generations to be better than him. that's the point of progress.), and he will do whatever he can think of to avoid them. the team will say they prefer him that way, but then they look at his counterpart, who is Always Locked The Fuck In; how you can see the knots in his jaw from how hard he's clenching. how his team avoids him, and when he's there, it's usually to identify, or solve a problem. how he can never seem to find a moment of peace. and how quickly the blu team adapts in battle, and they wonder if they maybe got the short end of the stick. but herbert doesn't lock the fuck in because he doesn't have to anymore. what are they gonna do; fire him? he built this. don't think he won't destroy it.

sniper: ooooooooh, mick'll make you mad. it's almost effortless. truth is, it takes a lot of work to be mick mundy. but fuuuck, does he make it look easy. mick is a man who can never be caught off guard, his keen situational awareness is something that has been honed over decades. and even in more compromising situations, he's usually locked in enough that he's got an out somewhere. and he does his best work when he's on the offensive. that is when he is the most locked in. it's easy, his method of killing. it's his timing that truly makes him shine. you can never say the man has squandered an opportunity. been a little tardy to the party? sure, but never completely missed it.

spy: you will never find a man who is more locked in. like mick, spy'll make you mad with it, but for a completely different reason. he'll rub your face in it. see, you too could be where he is if you weren't a lazy piece of shit. but you are, and there's nothing he can do to help you with that. even when there is something he can do, he won't do it, because it makes him feel better about his rare and unfortunately timed moments of shortcoming to watch and laugh at people who aren't him absolutely suffer for not being him. he has it all. if nothing is done with it, that's his fault alone. he simply cannot let that happen. so he is locked in. all the time.

#team fortress 2 #team fortress two #tf2 medic #tf2 spy #tf2 heavy #tf2 sniper #tf2 scout #tf2 pyro #tf2 demo #tf2 soldier #tf2 demoman #tf2 engineer

LIKE THEY NEVER EVEN LEFT!

scout: the team might be at their happiest when they realize scout's back on the scene, but scout's got some things he's forced to do before he actually gets to enjoy the short period of time in which the team actually wants to talk to him. scout is one of the few mercs that actually talks about what he's told to do. he's learned to update pauling before he begins to enter the base. and oddly enough, spy meets him at every entrance, it is quite literally impossible for him to enter the base undetected. it'd be nice if it was anyone but spy. and the moment he's intercepted, he is taken to the infirmary. and as the team watches the two-man parade, scout is bragging about his dozen-plus kill count. crazy part is, he's probably telling the truth. issue is, he's missing an arm and his jaw is hanging by strands. makes it hard to believe.

soldier: it is with a loud announcement that the team is notified of soldier's return to the base, and they greet him accordingly. unlike scout, soldier willingly has a post-contract routine. the first stop is to the mess hall. regardless of his physical condition, he needs a meal and he needs one now. once he has eaten, he will then make his way to the showers, where he will spend no more than five minutes before walking to the infirmary for all wounds to be treated. after that, he needs a beer. he's started to keep those in medic's fridge for convenience.

pyro: the team gets genuinely nervous when pyro is sent out on a solo contract. and they almost really wish that administration would stop signing them up to leave this base without a member of the team present. but pyro does their job, and the team quite literally forgets that pyro is actually quite adept on their own. so when they come back, especially when they've been gone for a while, the team is borderline ecstatic to see them. and pyro is always happy to see them too! it's nice to know they always have somewhere to go back to.

demo: it's always a party when tavish is back! everyone hates when tavish is gone because he's a personality hire. tavish does a lot of morale boosting naturally, it's his natural effervescence! it's noticeable when he's not in the base. you could genuinely assume the base is empty. and max, i hear you say, max, the entirety of the offense classes are still in there, and while you're correct, the team actually just likes to be around tavish in general, everyone overtly likes tavish. that is a privilege the offensive classes lack. if he's not out there, there's just no point. there is bound to be a fight and nobody willing to break it up.

heavy: it's such a sad state of affairs, the base without misha in it. it's cold in there. it's not empty, but it's hollow. voices echo. it gets past rambunctious into volatile. the team gets tense and they aren't sure what's changed until he's back. and the exhale that is let out of the base... the diffusion of a bomb. hell, misha doesn't even realize the effect he has on the base, because every time he enters the base after extended periods of time he's actually in higher spirits than when he left. he's ready to wreak some havoc.

engineer: the team swears up and down that they have said good morning to dell each and every morning since they moved onto the teufort base. and that's correct! they have, every single morning, said good morning to at least a dell. ceasefires are very conveniently timed, and they're done that way for dell's sake. and whenever either one is sent off, the other makes trips to the base to make up the absence. at the end of the day, nobody knows when dell is on the base. but there's always a dell at both bases at some point of the day. it's a power grip they hold.

medic: they don't notice he's off the base, they distinctly notice when he's off the field. and they will greet him almost coldly when he makes his reappearance. it's humorous, almost, but it doesn't bother him. the contracts are timed well, he is not particularly sent on overtly violent situations... he can make them that way, though. and he doesn't speak about his contracts, and the team likes it that way. they are much warmer to him back on the base, and he resettles back into his routines quickly.

sniper: the team has learned to not give the man a heart attack when he first enters the base. everyone has began to settle for a good "oh, it's mick!" "miiick, bud!" and maybe a full meal for dinner, depending on what time he finally shows himself to the base after a solo contract. and he's become even more appreciative of those than something big, or nothing at all. he honestly did not think this was a team capable of that much nuance to know what a healthy middle was.

spy: every time the team showed even a modicum of excitement that spy was alive and somewhere they could see him he left for longer. spy's almost trying to not even be noticed, and he's gotten good at it. so the team makes small actions when they have a lucky guess. they also have a running bet when they remember, or they notice he's gone. whoever gets the date closest wins. but when they have a guess, they buy a bottle of wine and leave it on his bedroom door. then they check it daily. when someone finally notices it's gone, debts are to be paid.

#team fortress two #team fortress 2 #tf2 medic #tf2 spy #tf2 heavy #tf2 sniper #tf2 scout #tf2 pyro #tf2 demo #tf2 soldier #tf2 engineer #tf2 demoman #*taylor swift voice* what if i told you i'm back?#scout gets extra love today i guess. i went from the bottom up this time.#also hiiiiii i went to new york and had a mental breakdown and lost all motivation to do anything #but i went to therapy and have more sessions scheduled and im back kind of ish #we'll see what i can do

WHEN YOU NEED THEM MOST:

scout: he's a miracle. he's loud, he's distracting, and he's exactly what you need to get out of a scrap. it's truly unlike any breath of fresh air you could take. and he loves to play the sleight of hand trick. it's what makes him so beloved on the team. the older mercs attribute it to his age, but really, the team would simply not function as well as they do on the field without him. he knows this, too. it's why he gets bitchy when they complain about his bragging.

soldier: you cannot call soldier to come help you out in an emergency, he is already in the emergency with you. and the problem is, you can't not let him in on a bad plan. he sniffs it out like a dog, he's bloodthirsty for some nonsense. he basks in it. if anything, he'll tell you to put the phone down. you will not need aid, between the two of you, you managed to get yourselves into this mess, he is confident in your abilities to get out of it.

pyro: if pyro is not already in the shit with you, pyro is either two steps away from being in the shit with you, or is actively in some worse shit. pyro would rather break their own femur than not come when they are called to aid. it's what makes war wonderful for them. it is such a wonderful way to feel true brotherhood, genuine camaraderie that they simply cannot recreate without putting another man's life in their hands. and if pyro likes you— which they almost always will— then they will be there or be dead.

demo: okay, he can be there, but you have to tell him what kind of emergency this is first. is this is an emotional emergency? can he cure this over a drink? or is this an actual emergency and he needs to come get you? because one of these is more concerning than the others. one of these situations will arouse a sense of urgency. one of these will have him tumbling out of bed at night, half dressed, and grabbing anyone who will go with him without making it a team wide mission. it does, usually, end up becoming a team-wide mission.

heavy: misha has learned some form of tact when it comes to discerning what is and what isn't an emergency, but sometimes he does envy tavish's willingness to ask. he has only made the mistake of an incorrect determination once. so now, he errs on the side of caution. it is always smarter to take the risk of losing a day's worth of sleep than a decade's. it almost makes him easy to manipulate, except that he is aware of this weakness, and crush those who attempt to exploit it.

engineer: dell has never been a very trusting man purely because of his extreme loyalties. dell is a man anyone would want on their side, and nobody has. even the administrator is connected to him based on her being grandfathered into his surname's favor. he won't say it hasn't been mutually beneficial, but it leaves little room for conflicts of interest. not until the broad's dead, anyway. you might be better off calling for someone else, and thanking your lucky stars if he takes the time to show up to you, personally.

medic: nobody ever wants to call for him as often as they must, but he's never failed them before. it's almost undeserved, at this point, on how distrustful the team is of him. battlewise, that man truly is on the field holding this team up by his shoulders. they don't forget that, per se, but the team does feel as though they've paid their war debts tenfold with how often he is elbow deep in their guts. but give him grace. it's intimacy for him. it makes the tinnitus of hearing his name be called feel more worth it.

sniper: nobody thinks that they rely on mick nearly as much as they actually do. mick actually plays maid more often than not. mick is also, in a shocking turn of events, probably one of the mercs you're most likely to end up in a holding cell with. here's the problem— mick will sell you out. mick will be there for the people he cares about through thick and thin, but he's got boundaries. you get him in prison, he rats you out. simple as that. otherwise, if he likes you, and you need him, he's probably already in the crowd, waiting for you to need him enough to call for him.

spy: he vanished.

#team fortress 2 #team fortress two #tf2 medic #tf2 spy #tf2 heavy #tf2 sniper #tf2 scout #tf2 pyro #tf2 demo #tf2 soldier #tf2 demoman #tf2 engineer #YES I DID write this post to make THAT joke WHAT ABOUT IT

DESPERATE AND DELUSIONAL ASS MERCS

scout: look, he's not going to beg, but what he will do is become one of the most annoying supervillains you've ever encountered. and he's never going to beg. but he'll do some real unecessary shit to you, then come casually ask if you liked that. even when you look at him and go "no, you fucking moron, why would you think i would appreciate you beating the shit out of my neighbor because he parked in a space that i like to call mine even though i know it's not mine, he had just as much of a right to park there as i do" he chuckles and goes "yeah... i thought you'd like that..." this is a delusion of epic proportions. matched only by one other man on the team.

soldier: it is a rare occasion that soldier is seen as one of the more subdued men on the team, but in this occasion, he is! this man is always desperate enough to ask. and he wouldn't say it this way, but you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. so he will always be direct in his endeavors for you. though, whether or not you reciprocate will always be met with the same thing: an aw, damn! and a quick shovel to the back of the head. but don't worry, it's not enough to decapitate you. it's hardly enough to disfigure you! you'll wake up dazed, but fine. and in a room you can't recognize.

pyro: again, it's shocking when the offensive class is, in any way, described as the more subdued members of the team. but with pyro, it's a little different. pyro is already known to be somewhat of a clingy... needy... prissy little thing. a high maintenance friend, a higher maintenance lover, and a real treat to anyone willing to put in the work. and the red team knows that pyro doesn't really give people— a choice in being involved with them. and pyro is very— insistent, about their needs... the team just looks the other way. it's how pyro is, it's how pyro will always be. and they like pyro that way.

demo: if tavish has decided he wants you, he's going to do whatever it takes. whatever. this could be filling your cubicle at work with your favorite flowers. this could be just kidnapping you off the street when he sees you're having a rough time in life. the beauty of it is that tavish is a safe man to be around! he's not going to kill you, everything he does is always geared towards bettering you, it just comes in unconventional ways. it's hard to not love him back, really! until you start hearing how he's got your plans for the future. if they don't truly align with what you have going on... you might already be in far too deep.

heavy: misha will kill you and it be an honest to god accident. he doesn't mean to have so much cuteness aggression. and he's truly trying to keep himself contained in a manner that ensures your safetty, but he will not do well. especially is you are less than half his size. the team, his family, they are hearty people. they can take some aggression, they can take misha at face value! even if that comes along with suffocating physical affection, however rare that may be for him. and if you're tenacious enough, he may completely forget that you aren't... built for his strength.

engineer: dell will kill you on purpose. he doesn't like how you make him feel. you're a distraction, an irritant, and an annoyance, and he's done with that. he is very quickly getting over you. he's over the daydreams. the fuzzy feeling is more akin to static. closer to an electric shock. and he's getting increasingly angry about what you're stirring out of him. and he doesn't want you. but he doesn't want you to want anyone else. so he'd truly rather you just— not exist anymore. he'd rather you be dead. he hates you. that's a lie. he doesn't hate you. he hates how you make him feel. if you don't exist, then you can't cause that feeling anymore. that's the theory. something's stopping him from testing it.

medic: he doesn't know what is wrong with dell, he's so desperate to keep you alive it's a ship of theseus as to when you stop being yourself and when you become another piece of property the doctor got much too attached to. it's almost pathetic. the way he smiles at you. so nervous, and much too enthusiastic. he wants you so badly he'd kill himself before he actually let you cross into the realm of the dead. you'd meet the devil himself before there was a hair harmed on your head... that he did not harm himself. property was the word used for a reason.

sniper: oooh, you know, you could almost believe that mick really does like you until you realize that that's just how mick is. mick wouldn't call himself a dreamer, he wouldn't even consider himself a particularly thoughtful guy. his mom said he's got a "rich inner life", his dad usually called him "distracted", and call him a pussy, but he prefers his mom's word for it. he just casually thinks about a lot of hypotheticals, and then he gets a little too involved in those hypotheticals. but he usually is able to pull himself out of these little spirals before they become something he can't handle.

spy: alright, you remember how at the beginning of this post, i said scout's delusional states were topped by only one man? here he is. here's the man who's topping that. the apple did not fall far from the tree when spy shook that fucker out of his ballsack. he gets very... demanding. things happen, and you're no longer allowed to question it. he wants you, he'll have you, you will smile and be happy or he will personally give you an attitude adjustment. and you don't want his attitude adjustments. because this is where his delusion begins to come in. he thinks beating the shit out of you actually works in making you like him more.

#team fortress 2 #team fortress two #tf2 medic #tf2 spy #tf2 heavy #tf2 sniper #tf2 scout #tf2 pyro #tf2 demo #tf2 soldier #tf2 demoman #tf2 engineer #tf2

THE AFTERMATH OF PLAYING WITH ANOTHER'S DOLLS.

here's a fun fact for you:

you've actually never gone through the respawn machine before. you weren't put into the system, nobody wanted to flag a higher up.

so you didn't this time, either.

he made sure you felt every single papercut, every single slice, and every single stab.

you're pretty sure he hit you a few times, but the stabbing was indeed the worst part of it. you truly did not enjoy that. it is one thing to have the top of the skin sliced open. a quick pain. almost unnoticeable to the feeling of your literal intestines being maneuvered, before being forced through. and the burn of unfamiliarity. a frightening unfamiliarity. a painful novelty.

you'd like to avoid that again, if possible.

another humorous fun fact: simple hair pulling is not as painful as being physically dragged across two to four hours of the new mexican desert by a man whose physique betrayed his abilities. it truly seemed like he didn't stop. and it seemed like he was dragging you across every rock he could find. you neck ached from him using your head like a leash for your body. every once in a while he would give you a rough tug, and you would wonder how you hadn't died. another tug, you begged death to take you. yet it refused.

you could only assume he had done this before.

whether he did it in such a... violent, manner, you did not know. you did not want to know, and you truthfully would be better off not knowing what he's done now to put you in the position you are.

he stepped through the front doors of the blu base, and you were too tired to scream for help.

you were quietly walked to the infirmary, the warmest thing you've experienced through this icy treatment.

you were discarded.

left for a moment.

then kicked.

you gagged, then groaned, and as noise finally escaped you, he disappeared.

from there, it was a blur.

the flash of the infirmary lights.

the chill of the sheets against your back.

the burn that ensued.

recovery was slow.

breathing still hurt.

you were still too frightened to talk.

and when you were coherent enough to take in your surroundings, you could hear the blue doctor reject... someone's visitation to you. and you noted when the resistance stopped. when the defensiveness became reticence. you pretended to be asleep when you heard the nonverbal warnings. it wasn't long before you were awake more often than not, and pretending was getting difficult the longer he seemed to wait for you to arise.

you thought there wasn't a feeling you would want to feel less than the pain of a violent physical assault.

the chill down your back quickly overtook that.

"i know you're awake. get up."

you let out an incoherent mumble. you fought the instinct to squeeze your eyes shut.

he repeated himself. his tone remained even, but you could feel it tighten in the syllables.

you crack your eyes open. agonizing as the mirage of the stare you were getting faded into reality. what was a furrowed brow was relaxed, a nasty snarl replaced with an easy smile. almost enough to disarm you, if you felt that was ever an option again. but it wasn't right now. as far into the future as you could look, safety felt impossible to even conceive, much less actualize into your body.

you were sure the doctor would have a field day with your cortisol levels.

you didn't know which base you would prefer to be at, right now.

nothing felt right.

and you began to beg for death to take you.

"listen, i need those files. i let you heal for a bit cause i was hopin' you were successful?" the reflection in his goggles frightened you.

you looked bad.

your face was still swollen. now it held fear in them as well. you could see that so clearly, now, as you struggled to form words. you grit your teeth, before your lips closed, flattening in a line.

dell's face began to drop in response to yours.

"...so that's a no, then."

even if you wanted to speak, now you definitely didn't want to.

he was so close to you.

it was like he was stealing the air directly from your lungs.

he clicked his teeth.

he sighed.

he pat your shoulder with more force than he needed to.

"next time, we'll just let you die."

#team fortress 2 #team fortress two #tf2 engineer

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