i want you, badly.....except when I don't: an essay (?)
i have mastered the way of detachment
yet I cling to it like its a dying art
heart, craving, caving in
your touch electrifies me
is there still softness in me, lingering
left untouched enough to give in?
even after all these lonely mornings
Disappointment, waves of it. It's a familiar feeling. That first meeting sparks electricity through my fingertips, driving me to type faster, quicker, to speak wittier back-and-forth banter with this new flame. Yet like all fire, it dies down eventually----after all that running around in your mind, the skipping, the sighing, the laughter, the blushing, you're left cold once again. Why? Why can it never stay?
Funny thing is, you're the only one left to blame in this situation. I never stayed.
As delusional as I may be, I still possess a good level of self awareness to understand that I have avoidant-attachment style. It's a shameful thing for me to admit, as I've always thought of myself as someone who loves freely, openly, and unrelentingly---or so I had been, before the years brought me down to the reality: I'm scared of intimacy because I greatly expect it to leave me as soon as it greets me. I've written of this before, failed relationships, painful ones. It's only been recently that I've sought to sit down and analyze why this happens. Yes, it could have been because the men I chose were assholes but I had chosen to love those assholes so.... there must be something wrong with the software if the program won't work properly. Ever since I've started to learn more about psychology and neurology, I've just been going down this rabbit hole of understanding myself from the inside out, to the very framework of my mental being to the life I live that it dictates. So, here we go...
From the get-go, I knew I had a passionate, special mind. I wouldn't call it brilliant, but it worked quickly to create predictions from the patterns of my life. They were to keep me safe, keep me stable, keep me sane. Yet, like the double edged sword that it is, keeps me tied down comparatively to the impossibly mad game of tag. Particularly, freeze tag.
My mind is malleable, as anyone else, and prone to trauma and addiction, just more so thanks to my superior genetics inherited from my father and mother. My family has a history of ADHD, Autism Spectrum Disorder, Schizophrenia, Bipolar Disorder, Narcissism Personality Disorder, every flavor in the pot. It's only a matter of time until I know what makes up my own primordial soup. I run primarily on instinct, learned patterns that are like breathing, actions you don't think about too hard and do automatically without the 'yes' factor of your ever-calculating mind. This makes you run into a plethora of problems if your instincts are formed by a faulty learning environment. This impacts a variety of areas in your life. The most impactful for me are love and friendships, two things I can't get---or refuse to allow myself to attract, at least in good quality.
One explanation for why I have unstable relationships and friendships is that I inherently seek out thrilling partners and can't hold a long enough attention span to actually stay through the boring parts, which is embarrassing if this is actually the truth.
Another explanation would be, like I said in the beginning, that I am malleable to trauma and my avoidant attachment style is simply a response to protect myself from any further perceived damage. This is plausible. Hell, this is the human psyche we're talking about. Anything is plausible, who am I kidding?
The last reason I can think of without my brain melting off is that I'm just inexperienced. This gives me the most slack, which I am both pleased and also disappointed with, though isn't that bad since I'm at constant conflict with myself in literally everything so who cares. It makes me look blameless for the cutting off of friends and potential lovers, that I'm just figuring out who I want to be and who to be around. Although that's nice and all on paper, it sounds stupid and surface-level when you actually say it out loud. In other words, it doesn't feel like a viable excuse. Those were good people, yet my first instinct was to run because I'm simply growing? No, that sounds pathetic, it sounds like staying exactly where you are, maybe even degrading yourself a little bit by being a little piece of shit. Perhaps I'm being overly critical of myself when I look at it in this light. Pass.
I think the best thing to do is to just see a therapist.
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