[mvrxmc]

17//02//23

thoughts of u have been seeping into my head for the past week now

[mvrxmc]

14//11/23

i've missed u a lot lately

and i say that with sincerity

i'm sure i'll see u one day soon

maybe a saturday or sunday afternoon

my bag is filled with old bad habits

tucked away beside loud laments

longing for your company

hoping you still think i am somebody

[mvrxmc]

it has been weeks my dearest friend

how have u been?

have u been eating? are u well?

are u able to keep ur fingers still?

i've been fine, i've been drinkin

and i've let my mind go wanderin

i still miss u and want to kiss u

but the timing is just not true

[mvrxmc]

18//12//22

the moon watches as it rains inside my room tonight but the sun may look into my window and see that im alright

[mvrxmc]

14//12//22

i’m starting to forget the shape of your face and how your fingers would trace the bumps and lines on my hand, as the bus stumbles while we stand  i just can’t stop thinking about u 

[mvrxmc]

11//12//22

i missed u quite a bit today. i feel ok though, i just missed u. i really miss u asking "are u flirting?" and "u?....me?.....nah surely not!" and the little giggle after it

i'm starting to slowly forget the sound of your voice ever so slightly and i did get a little upset at that this afternoon. currently going through the day-after-drinking blues which amplifies my darker thoughts & feelings but it is all temporary. i'll find my footing again tomorrow at some point.

i really do miss spending my sundays with u but maybe i'll see u some sunday soon and we can have a grand time together. i am still hopeful that we can make a dent on the list of things we made to do with one another. it doesn't need to be any time soon of course.

i had a really good 2 days on friday & saturday and i think with how i felt during those days, it is making today feel that little more bleak.

overall though, i am doing okay.

[mvrxmc]

07//12//22

we haven’t spoken in three days an my days have went at such a slow pace; it is something that i’m still adjusting to i suppose but it’s difficult. i never expected to speak to u every day and we said we can catch up when we both feel better but i’m terrified that when we do catch up feelings are lost and i guess that is what is upsetting me the most just now. well, i don’t guess, i know that is what is upsetting me the most just now. u said i could message u if i needed anything from u but i can’t do that right now and i’m not sure when i can be able to because i don’t need or want to be all doom and gloom. i think i managed to find some grounding today with everything going on though, which isn’t all that bad. i didn’t listen to a song on our playlists today and i haven’t shed any tears (yet). i’ve picked up a few bad habits since the weekend which i’m quickly letting go of once i go to bed tonight. i’m not entirely sure what the point of this letter/post is if i’m honest, i just wanted to type something out  me and the group of friends i have are starting to do a coffee night once a week so we can all communicate with one another and be there for support cause all of us are going through rough times at the moment. we had our first one last night and it was nice but i’m not going to lie, i didn’t feel that much better from it. i felt myself get angry last night when i got home and ran through my memories of the past month and i feel such a resentment towards myself for that. i keep apologising to myself and saying that it is okay to feel all different kind of emotions that aren’t to be expected from change in life but it didn’t feel like me. i’m doing really well at work though which a lot of people seem to be pleased about and i haven’t dropped the ball once so far. u would be proud of that. my friends are proud and the people at work are proud. still dislike work cause it gets pretty lonely when i’m in an office by myself or in the house alone working.  i went to my first magic the gathering event since 2019 on monday 05//12//22 which is something that people were chuffed about. i’ve been playing a lot online and i’m going to do that for the rest of the night until i go to bed. i still hope i get to show u how to play since u seemed keen whenever i spoke about it. ~ i started writing a poem yesterday which is all a work in progress “ brilliance that once bellowed brightly, diminishes in destructive deeds dared on by dark dreams  as i’m searching for means within a seamstress’ stress at losing stitches to design her seams picture-perfect portraits of a pristine person, perch, painted in a dilapidated prison woollen worns whisper wafts of a woman, whose watered willows grown from a lawn,  sold a serene sheltered sanctuary saving sin, meanwhile menacing misery from mines”

[mvrxmc]

the polyrhythm ongoing without every slowing the constant off beat leaves me with defeat off patterned hits have me in a ditz scatter brained living but i'm still breathing

[mvrxmc]

02//12//22

fumbling fingers turn pages whilst a story, spoken, takes ages

tracing turns of paper with eyes silly syllables destroy what we despise

words wander into the air so fine fingertips dance down ur spine

am i the last thought on ur mind? u are the last thought on mine

treat me with the kindness u think i deserve when in ur company i still get nerves 

during steps being taken to our next destination “do i look ok? are u alright?” i question your hand grip tightens, all unquestioned 

smitten by my charm let me take u in my arm 

in the rain, our umbrella unfurls for a while as my mouth blossoms into a smile

[mvrxmc]

01//12//22

the sides of your mouth shot upwards as we entered the door to the place we would call home for the next day. beaming with joy and silliness from the comforts we would soon have, we searched through the caravan’s cupboards and body

i dreamt of u last night weaving your legs around mine on a floor, having your tongue touch mine as the left hand delicately stroked my thigh. i’ve been repeating our memories through my mind, wishing that i was yours and u were mine

u are worth it all sunflower, u are so so worth it dear 

i started gnawing away at the nails that once stroked your back as u were carried off to dream at night. i can’t remember the last time i chewed on my finger tips and i’ve fallen down with fright

i promised i would take care of myself but i’m not able to right now

[mvrxmc]

29//11//22

i don't know if this is going to be a daily thing or a whenever thing but i find it therapeutic and i hope u get to see these one day but if u don't i'm ok with that. maybe i just enjoy writing things for u? i tried to write a poem for u today which i'm working hard on; i know i aren't the best at them but u really like them and i really like doing them so it's harmless right?

we didn't speak that much today but i liked the smallest catch up we had. i also really liked that u added two new songs to the playlist u created for me to dulge in. it was sweet of u to do that. any text or mail u send still makes me giddy and fills me with this familiar feeling of joy

im still trying not to message u too much but every second reel i see in instagram is something i want to send u. funny cats and silly frogs plaster my screen constantly.

"us?" "u when i go to kiss ur forehead" "who videoed us when we were out?" all that nonsense that is enjoyable patter

my brain was so fried today in work and i didn't do a thing of substance. i just couldn't concentrate and work becomes hard for me when i don't have something to look forward to because there is never too much to keep me occupied. well i do have things to look forward to but nothing in the immediate future if that makes sense? im just used to us talking about plans etc and still adjusting to that side of things and that's ok since it is all new to me for the time being. but my new trousers arrived today and that cheered me up a bit this evening. u called me the coolest guy in ek and u don't know how much that boosted my wee confidence meter

i wrote a funny story in the group chat that i was going to send u but we didn't speak all that much so felt a bit difficult to find the right timing but everyone was laughing at it. we have organised a card/game night for 10th december and i just wrote about how the night could turn out; similar to how that ick story i wrote about getting ran over by a car in a crocs and sock combo!

u wished me sweet dreams tonight after i said it to u and it was nice. i hope we can still say that without things feeling or getting awkward because it just feels so natural to me and isn't something i want to stop with u

u said u were unwell today and i really do hope u feel more recharged soon, keep taking care of yourself and u will be your usual self soon enough

im going to watch You now and give u my rundown tomorrow

it is 22:50 and i’ve written some of a song for u which i will show u soon i hope 

[mvrxmc]

28//11//22

this is my first letter to u, a letter u may never see or know about

i have done all the things today that we have done and planned this weekend. i walked along the beach and picked up stones & shells to see who has the best ones. i never picked up any for u but i picked up enough to have my own competition. i won of course even tho i am sure u would have picked the best ones, but u aren't here to do it with me and that is ok

im sitting on some steps listening to the tide come and go, wishing u were holding my hand or having ur cheek rest on my shoulder in peace and quiet. birds are speaking their language as the tide gently flows towards my feet and my socks are getting a little bit soggy. there is a massive boat sailing in the distance under the sun's gaze and i feel a warmth wash over me as i write this letter. flies are buzzing and sitting on me as i am so still in awe at how beautiful saltcoats is and over how blissful this weekend away with u was

i am going to travel to weatherspoons once i finish this bottle and then i am taking a trip to the penny arcade to play some games. u can't be here with me and that is ok; i just miss u and hearing u say "me!" or "you!" or "yip!" to our silly conversations.

the tide is now at my feet and i am trying yo be strong but it is hard kate, i won't lie. this is what is best for u and i respect that more than any words i say or write can convey

i have found a new heaven in this place and i am eternally grateful for allowing yourself to be a part of it for my memories. i will cherish this for all my days and won't forget this wonderful weekend we had together

i thought i loved u; those thoughts are solidified by the tears that drop as i write this to myself wishing u were still beside me. it was too soon to say i love u. i would have scared u away. i don't think there is a time limit on when u fall in love with a person. it was 4 weeks of absolute joy, adoration and comfort. u were and still are a sanctuary of safety for myself and we know i couldn't have done more to keep u mine and have me as yours

i just finished bein at the arcades and it was a blast. u would have loved it. i won 418 tickets off a tenner and got josh a wee star wars toy thing which was 300 tickets. i tried looking for a young person to give the tickets to but it was full of older people so was selfish and used it for myself!

currently in an old man pub which my docs stick to the floor and the toilet doesn't even have a pan on it, just proper grim. u would have loved how cosy it is. even a wee pool table in the back. got a little half pint of tennents

i went to another pub after and it was dead but i spoke to a few random folk and had some company. the company wasnt u but it will do for now. maybe next time i can take u to these dingy pubs and have people look at us - rather than me - as we enter and sit.

"nice tattoos son, i have a few myself" and the cunt takes off his jacket to show me some classic bangers. "nice one mate, a have ma back covered anol" as the liquid courage courses through me. i done the riddy thing and rolled my t shirt up but i was gigglin away to myself cause u would have found it hysterical. ended up playin pool with the cunt and was left with 1 ball left, after the black of course, on the table. guy was a good laugh. grew up in govan of all places

it's 19:45 and am finishin up my dinner in drury before i get a train for quarter past 8. was gonna play pool by myself but i can't stop thinkin about the last time we played and u were giggling at everything and anything. i miss you laughing at absolute nonsense

i hope u took care of yourself today because i did and didnt at the same time. i had a good day but i wish u were here and it is okay that u weren't but it is always nice to have your company

i missed u today. even though we spoke over messages, i still miss u more than what i can write

u deserve the whole world & more and i wish i could give u your flowers because u deserve them

i will wait for u. please take care of yourself because i am going to ensure i take care of myself after today

[mvrxmc]

blue veins weave in and out one another on a pale canvas of beauty with constant reminders dotted around them, creating a layer of purity one mark from three days ago echoes subtly in the background of the mark from one hour ago, changing a breaking cloud into a garden of exploding flowers

a garden i wish to care for 

[mvrxmc]

i’ve lost count the amount of times i’ve relapsed and i wonder how many more times i’ll have to go through the same thing

[mvrxmc]

sometimes i feel like im getting better and sometimes i feel like im getting worse

[mvrxmc]

get me out of the hell in my own head and let me lay down in your bed

[mvrxmc]

for the past few weeks now everything has been getting harder to grasp and harder to get over. trying to remain positive throughout everything is mentally draining and exhausting for myself right now and it's starting to get me frustrated. whenever i see a positive i also see a hundred negatives that start to diminish the positive into some small speckle of sand that seems pretty useless. there's only so much i can do before i just bury my mind into a hole and hope the day passes. some days i feel better and some days i feel worse and i'm scared that this is going to last so much longer than it has to