I donāt know why or what compelled me to see himā¦but, I just absolutely HAD to see him again, after ten years. Ā Seeing each other, after all of this time, was intense. Ā The moment our eyes met was undeniably electric, for the both of us. Ā His living situation was a bit sad, to me. Ā As he led me through this enormous house, filled with vintage furniture, and smelled of a nursing homeā¦he whispered. Ā It felt a little silly. Ā As if we were teenagers, and he was sneaking me upstairs. Ā He explained that he rented out a room, among many other ātenantsā, and helped an elderly woman with the upkeep and maintenance of the big old house. Ā When he finally led me to his roomā¦where he had been living for the past five yearsā¦It was pretty much as I would have imagined it to be. Ā U2 and The Cure posters on the wallsā¦Neil Gaiman books lying around. Ā I sat on the bed, which was my only option really. Ā We talked for at least an hour, before I realized that I was tired. Ā I asked if I could lie down on his bed. Ā Of course, he said yes, so I did. Ā He then lay down next to me. Ā This was surreal. Ā Maybe because so many of our memories consisted of us lying in bed, looking into each otherās eyes. Ā He had to smell my hair, and my skinā¦he took his time, as if I were an exotic flower that he had never smelled before in his life. Ā I didnāt mind. Ā He looked at me, so longingly and never looked away. Ā Then, after laughing about how strange it was to be in a bed together, again, with all of our clothes onā¦I placed my hand on his face. Ā There were those deep blue eyes, staring back at meā¦SEEING me. Ā He smelled the sameā¦the alcohol from the night before, masked with toothpaste and mouth wash, and a faint scent of cologne. Ā He had changed, as I had as well, and everyone does over ten years I supposeā¦but, those eyesā¦they were the same. Ā I felt that hint of sadness behind themā¦lonelinessā¦darkness. Ā I mean, he essentially was in the same place he was ten years ago, when we parted ways. Ā Waiting tables, living with numerous roommates that were mostly borderline elderly and he still drank. Ā I was thinking about all of this while my hand rested upon his cheek, and our eyes stayed glued to each otherās ā¦ then it happened. Ā I pressed my lips against his. Ā After that one kiss, it was if flood gates had been opened ā¦ we kissed passionately, and perfectly. Ā He was slightly staking, as was I, as he placed his hands behind the nape of my neck. Ā We kissed and kissed ā¦ at one point, we had to stop because one of the other ātenantsā (which he actually shared a joining bathroom with) was walking by the op-en door to his bedroom). Ā He said a lot of things. Ā Things like, āIām never losing you againā, āYou have always been the love of my lifeā ā¦ I told him that I wanted to have sex !?! I said that to him with absolutely no intention of doing so. Ā I was in my scrubs from work, and I hadnāt even shaved my legs (yes, you should laughā¦but, all women know that if they donāt shave their legs, there will not be any sex! Duh!) ā¦ I think I said it to make him feel desired, and I thought it would make him feel happy, if only for that moment. Ā Which, it did, because he even said āIt feels good to be wanted againā. Ā When we finally had to disconnect from each other, literally, because it was time for him to get ready for work ā¦ he walked me back to my car ā¦ we hugged each other for long time. Ā I said, āIām afraid this is the last time we will ever see each other againā. Ā To which he replied, āItās not.Iām not losing you again. Not while I have you here in my arms. I wonāt let you go againā. Ā He smelled the top of my head, and then kissed my lips. Then, he started to walk back down the gravel driveway to the backdoor of the huge, old, house. Ā I got into my car, and started driving. Ā I knew it was going to be the last time. Ā Heās gone back and forth since then. Ā Heās like the night ā¦ a blanket of darkness, that brings comfort ā¦ but, can also cause complication, distortion, and restlessness ā¦ He can change in a matter of hours. Ā Less than 72 hours after that last kiss, he was telling me that he didnāt have feelings for me. Ā I know that was a lie. Ā Then, a few days after that, he was declaring that no relationship that he has ever tried to have with anyone compares to me ā¦ and that he has loved me since we first met. Ā He even invited me to spend Christmas with him, and his family ā¦ Only to just drop off of the face of the earth. Ā He has sent me late night texts saying that he doesnāt think he deserves love, or even another chance to have that again with me ā¦ Heās his own worst enemy. Ā When he invited me to spend Christmas with him, he said, āI hope youāll say yes". Ā I donāt want to be alone anymoreā. Ā Yet, he always says that he deserves to be alone. Ā Heās got himself convinced that he doesnāt deserve anything good in his life ā¦ and because heās pushed me away so many times, he definitely doesnāt deserve ME. Ā The last contact I had with him was a text, containing a link to a video for a Rise Against song. Ā It basically meant āYouāre better off without meā. Ā I always seemed to have a piece of my heart that has always, and may always, belong to deep blue eyes ā¦ but, I think heās right. Ā After all of this ā¦ the meeting up, kissing me, the promises, Christmas invitation, then mysterious text messages ā¦ The absolute mind fuck that is him ā¦ I donāt deserve it. Ā Me, accepting him for who/what he is and willing to put up with his bullshit through thick and thin ā¦ even considering the fact that his shitty living situation, job, and drinking have not changed very much at all in the past ten years ā¦ I was completely willing to change my entire life so that he and I could be together ā¦ but, heās pushed me away one too many times. Ā Iām worth more than that. Ā I truly believe heās making a huge mistake, and heās going to end up alone and honestly sad for the rest of his life. Ā I hope he reads this, and discovers that I WOULD have taken him, even at his worst, and he actually had several chances to have my whole heart again. Ā Iām not angry ā¦ I just feel like heās destroying his chance at love and happiness ā¦ and heās only letting his own demons control him, and hold him back from what he actually WANTS. Ā He was my very first, and possibly only, TRUE love ā¦ I just donāt think that I have any more chances left in me, for him. Ā I will still feel him when certain songs play ā¦ remember the way he looked at me ā¦ and, of course, his deep blue eyes. Ā That moment, laying next to each other in bed, looking deeply into each otherās eyes ā¦ it WAS real ā¦ our love WAS real ā¦ We will always have āour storyā , and the memories ā¦ good and bad ā¦ I donāt regret anything. Ā
