Chapter One ran from September 17 to October 21 of 2019.
The number of posts included was 552. Including asks, this equaled a total word count of 87,038.
Chapter One title was: the Death of Marvin the Magnificent
This chapter has been broken into multiple sections and consolidated into fic format. To read, see the links below. Or, find the Chapter Two masterlist here, the Chapter Three masterlist here, and the Chapter Four masterlist here. Happily, Chapter Five has also been compiled at long last.
A continuation written in 2023 is compiled here.
The short story collection for the whole of the series can be found here.
Section 1: The Newcomer
Section 2: The Way That We Live
Section 3: Oh Happy Day
Section 4: Pharmacy Break-In
Section 5: In and Out of the Basement
Section 6: On the Ocean Shore
Thank you, as always, for writing this story with me.
He sinks to the floor the moment he's inside the house, not so much because his legs gave out, and more that something in his chest did.
Must have taken the bus home, he thinks to himself, but maybe he walked instead. His hair's damp, so he knows he must have made it through a shower at work, but after that – he checked out hard. Harder than he has in a long time.
“Okay, Chase, okay,” he whispers to himself, grabbing his wrist, taking his own pulse. He got stuck in the clouds – had to, he had to get himself home – but now he needs a parachute before he goes down like a plane. He has to get up from the door. He feels his body move itself, shoving him up from the floor, although he's shaking all over by now, and he knows he doesn't have long before he'll be hyperventilating.
“Guys?” he croaks, stepping into the hallway. Schneep's in Peru, a thought that kind of wounds him in this moment, needing him like he does. He's pretty sure Henrik could come out of his room with his hair rumpled everywhere and the smell of his aftershave would shock Chase right out of the panic, but he's not here. Nobody answers, but it's late. He tries JJ's room and finds it empty of everybody except Jam, who looks at him languidly and licks her tail. It's enough to make Chase feel desperate. What if Marvin's out late and Jackie's with Max?
“Guys!” he repeats, louder.
“Chaser,” Marvin calls from the other room.
Chase hurries over to him, pulling open the door to his bedroom and pushing through a curtain of vining flowers. In the darkness of the room, the rustling and breathing of so many plants in the room gives it an aura of watchfulness. Chase wheezes out a breath and crawls hurriedly into Marvin's bed, pulling the covers over his head and hiding next to him.
Marvin's still half-asleep. Chase feels his arm flop out to find him. “What's the matter?”
Chase grabs his hand tightly. Marvin turns towards him in the bed.
“It's not morning, your shift's not over. What's wrong?”
“Marvin,” Chase rasps, feeling the tears rushing towards him. He can't breathe. “Please help me.”
Marvin's instantly awake, sitting up straight and curling over him. From under the covers, Chase feels the warmth of his brother's body over him, blocking everything else out. “Chase, I'm right here. You're okay. Talk to me, Chase, don't get lost.”
But he was lost on the way home from the hospital, and he doesn't know where he's wound up now. He starts sobbing in the ragged sort of way that always makes Jackie leave the room, grabbing his ears, and sometimes it makes Henrik frantic and upset himself, but Marvin never gets stressed about it. He just gets under the covers with Chase.
“Please make it stop,” Chase cries, clinging to his shirt.
“You gotta ride it out, baby.”
That's what he wants, for Marvin to call him baby and hold him. It's pathetic; he needs it. “No, Blue, I can't. I don't want to have a panic attack, I don't want to still be fucked up from what he did, I don't want to.”
He loses his breath and sobs, trying to get air.
Marvin rubs his back, but that's not right. That's not what he's supposed to do. Chase moves closer to him instead – throws himself at him, really – and wraps himself tight around him. He shoves his face against his neck and clings to him around the shoulders, their legs tangling up.
“Chase,” warns Marvin.
They're too close, Chase knows that. He knows it's not normal, not healthy, to be approaching thirty and wrapped around his older brother like cats cuddling up. They get to set their own boundaries now that Anti's gone, it's true. But this isn't what Chase wants their brotherhood to look like, because it's not what's best for anyone.
Tonight, though, he just needs it. No matter how bad he wants healthy boundaries, he always comes back to this particular desperation, his downfall. When he's triggered, he doesn't feel safe – can't feel safe – til he's being held like he'll never be let go.
“Please, Blue, please, please, I'm so sorry.”
“Chase,” sighs Marvin. “Okay. I'm here, Trick.”
He squeezes his shoulders and turns him onto the mattress, laying most of his weight on top of him and something releases in Chase's chest like a spout turned on. The panic comes washing over him, but he can ride it out if Blue's got him. Blue always takes care of him, and he takes care of Blue. Trick never cared about being humiliated. He just wanted to be held, and he was allowed to be. He and Dok could cuddle up all they wanted, and Jackie and Marvin never came into their room to have another talk with them about codependency; JJ never looked at Trick strangely when Blue covered his face in kisses and called him angel or lovey. All his brothers were always just a room away, and nobody ever left him. They couldn't if they wanted to.
“There was a guy at work yelling at Ada,” Chase starts to choke out, Marvin humming in understanding as he sobs through the story. “And I got angry and – felt a lot of things – and then he pulled a pocketknife out – ”
“What, seriously? In the ER?”
“So I grabbed him and slammed him into the wall, and Ada got a sedative. Look, he cut my arm.”
“Chase!”
It's all bandaged up – wasn't even a bad cut – but it was enough to send even the hardened ER nurses who have been helping him learn the ropes for months into a frenzied mix of excitement and worry. And Chase, standing quietly in the middle of them while they cleaned his arm with way too much antiseptic and thoroughly-checked gauze wrap, felt weird. Felt nothing.
“Did the police come?”
“Yeah, I guess someone will have called them,” Chase hiccups, starting to get his breath back a little.
Marvin lays with him quietly for several minutes, and Chase nuzzles into his neck. Though they're still holding each other, he already has a sadness knowing that tomorrow he won't be able to curl up this way. He's so pathetic. He rubs at his face and sighs out, trying to decide where his head is supposed to be at. Will Marvin let him be Trick a while longer? Let him be held? He can be good. He can, he promises. Let him try again.
“Was it the blood that got to you?” Marvin asks. “Or the knife?”
Chase doesn't want to think about it, but the answer's in his mouth already. He works with blood and scalpels and wounds professionally, and he doesn't have a problem.
“Neither,” he says. “It was him yelling, and me hurting him.”
“You were defending Ada.”
“Yeah,” Chase whispers. “So why did it feel like I should have hidden behind her and begged for my life?”
Marvin breathes out, and Chase feels it against his hair. His brother kisses the side of his head.
“Call me Trick again,” Chase whimpers.
“Oh, lovey,” sighs Marvin, exhausted. “You don't have to be Trick to be my dearheart.”
“Your amata?”
“Uh-huh. You're my amata.”
“I'm your amata.” Chase feels warm again, settling down. He presses his face into Marvin's neck. “I did good?”
“You were perfect. You did wonderfully. You were so brave.”
“You always take care of me, Blue.”
Marvin closes his eyes beside him. Chase knows because he feels the way his face tenses.
“Get some sleep, star.”
.
“No. No. He wasn't. Unless he and Schneep were doing it more often than I thought. Like when you'd hear Henrik have nightmares, he'd – yeah. Then they'd be sleeping in the same bed. But so much better than they did before, where they couldn't be apart. Uh-huh.”
Chase rests his fingers on the cracked kitchen window, listening to Marvin pacing in his garden, talking on the phone.
“Definitely he's never asked me for something like that. Well, once or twice he's called me Bluey or something like that, just affectionate. Not because he needed Blue. Not because he needed to be Trick.”
Chase sinks back slightly, staring blankly at the wall. Noodle twines around his legs, purring.
“So now Schneep's in Peru, which is great. Yeah, you saw his pictures? It'll be really good for him. But it makes sense, you know, if Chase is feeling lonely. No, don't do that. You're busy, and Chase doesn't – well, you're not exactly his go-to for cuddles, Jacks. We know you're just a mirror away.”
A pause.
“Oh, I don't talk to him about her. He stays at her place a couple times a week and he tells me things are good. That's all I need to know. What? I do not! JJ and Chase can have girlfriends. If they're happier, good! You're thinking of Henrik, he's the one who gets jealous. Well, I – yeah. I was. JJ was at Quin and Cedar's, Henrik's gone, you're at Max's, and Chase works night shift. So what? I can be in the house alone. I have the cats. Where is this even coming from?”
Marvin's voice starts to raise. Chase hears the agitation in his voice. He always hears it when Jackie or Marvin start to sound agitated, and it always makes him feel a little sick. Sick and like he needs to sit by the window and watch. For what, he never knows.
“I called to talk about Chase! That's not – geez, Jackie – I didn't! No, I didn't, I... maybe once.”
He can almost see the way Marvin must be gripping his hair. He can almost see the grass stretching up to comfort him and grip his ankles.
“Maybe I called him Trick once. Okay? Why does it matter... no. Don't say that.”
He leans down to pick up Noodle.
“I would never want to be Blue again,” Marvin says, voice cutting. “You're wrong.”
Chase goes back to Marvin's bedroom and hides beneath the covers.
.
The noise of clapping stops him completely short as he approaches the nurse's desk the next day, eyes wide. He's heard a wide variety of noises in the ER, but clapping is not among the repertoire.
“There he is!” someone shouts, and his coworker (friend?) Carson whistles at him like a cat-call, making Chase snort. Ada comes up to him and hugs him, and his shift manager has a cup of coffee waiting for him on the desk.
“A little heavy on the fanfare,” Chase says, nonetheless reinvigorated. “People are in the hospital acting crazy all the time.”
“Well, Suzie saw everything,” says Carson, “so you know it got around to everyone. And her version of events was very heroic.”
“He completely just moved like a superhero,” Ada interjects. “One motion, he just spun me out of the way, stomped on the guy's foot, threw him off balance, and shoved his arm. He couldn't have touched me.”
“I just shoved everybody involved,” Chase laughs, but now she's got him thinking. Did he really step on his foot? He doesn't remember the details. He's no fighter the way Jackie and JJ are, but he knows how to defend himself, that's a sure thing. He's done it plenty of times in his life. Just more often with a high-grade semi-automatic in his hands than not.
His stomach twists. He grins and takes a sip of his coffee. Small comforts. He's not Trick and never has to be again. He's Chase, and he gets coffee and good work and home-cooked meals. He gets his kids and his brothers and a girlfriend who treats him right. Trick had some dysfunctional comforts, but Chase's are better. He doesn't want to go back there.
He won't. He won't let himself slip like that again. He'll keep getting up every time he falls. Chase slaps the counter and grins at his coworkers. “Okay, okay, back to work, the lot of you. Those bowels aren't going to disimpact themselves.”
Yeah. He keeps going. He's Chase Brody.
.
Blue sets his hands down on the kitchen counter and tries to breathe.
He's fine. It's fine. This is normal. Everybody spends time alone. He can do it.
Jackie's fighting fires in Brighton. Chase is at therapy. Henrik's in Peru. JJ's at Quin's. So there, see, all accounted for. All fine.
Unless.
“Don't do this, don't do this,” he whispers to himself, grabbing at his hair, sucking in deep, slow breaths, as even as he can. “You don't have to do this anymore. They're fine, they're not your job, they're fine, you're fine.”
But he's not fine, because he can't know. He can't know if they're safe. He can't know if they've eaten. He can't know if they're panicking somewhere, or cornered, or sick. He does know they all slept, at least, because he stood in JJ's doorway for nearly forty minutes last night just listening to him breathe, and when Chase got back from his shift he put him to bed himself, and he went through the mirror in Brighton to just stand in the locked room that leads to Jackie and Max's flat, listening, carefully, to make sure they were getting some rest.
Henrik, though, who made sure Henrik rested? How will they know how he gets when he's tired, how his mood drops and he goes off his food? How will they know he likes completely blacked-out curtains? How will they know playing music helps him sleep?
The door clicks in the other room and he nearly chokes on his gasp, straightening up. He calls out a hello and gets a loud, twirling whistle in reply. Blue shoves his hair back into place, turning quickly back to what he was doing.
“Hi, baby,” he says, turning to glance at him.
“I'm not 'baby,'” JJ protests uncertainly, and Blue curses himself mentally. Of course! JJ hates being called baby. “You haven't called me that in a long time.”
“Right, sorry. So sorry. I just meant darling. Hi, darling. How are you?”
“Right as rain.” JJ comes over to him, kicking off his shoes. “And you?”
“Good, yeah.”
“You're making jelly pastry,” JJ signs, blinking at the mess laid out before his brother. “You usually only make this for birthdays.”
Blue bites down hard on his lip. That's right. Jelly pastry's a pain, and he kind of hates making it – but he loves the way the others light up. “It's Henrik's favorite, that's all.”
JJ pauses, cocking his head. “Yeah... Henrik won't be home for a month yet, I thought?”
Blue takes in another deep breath. “Right,” he agrees. “Right. Guess I was missing him.”
JJ carefully sets a spatula and whisk into the sink. He's thinking, Blue knows. It's good to see him so clear, totally in control, organized. Blue always knows when he's clear and when he's lost. He knows how to talk him through anything, knows when he needs to go to the hospital, knows if he's had his meds and when they need to be refilled again. Actually, there's only two weeks left on his primary anti-psychotic. How will they sneak out to get that?
No. No. They don't have to sneak out. They can take the bus. They can walk. Marvin touches his head, feeling slightly faint.
Jamie touches his waist, an arm snaking around him, and Marvin stares at nothing, trying to put himself back together before Jameson notices anything more. His little brother leans into him carefully, pressing their bodies side-to-side, and Marvin wraps an arm round him in return, and forces himself not to squeeze.
The door clicks, and Marvin doesn't jump up to look too quickly, as much as he can help it. “Hi, amata,” he calls. “Therapy okay?”
Chase sighs the way dogs sigh when they're just hanging out on the carpet. “Yeah, fine.”
“Staying here the rest of the day?” he asks them both.
“I was thinking about asking everybody out for chips and kebab,” JJ offers.
“Oh, no, come on,” Blue says, straining against the desperation in his voice. “I'll clean up and then I'll make you both whatever you want for dinner. Let's stay in, yeah? Let's stay right here.”
Jamie doesn't say anything for a long moment. Chase glances at him from the doorway. “Okay,” he signs finally, hand swooping. “Sounds good.”
“Great, good,” Blue sighs. “Good. I'm glad you're home, baby.”
Jameson smiles at him, but it doesn't reach his eyes. No matter. Blue will have him happy again soon enough, as long as they just stay home. He kisses the side of his head and goes back to curling his pastry.
.
“Your brothers think you're having a relapse,” Jackie says.
Blue sticks the end of the string in his mouth, wetting it together before leaning back to thread the needle. “My brothers? You move out and now they're just my brothers.”
“Our brothers, then,” says Jackie, pushing on without hesitation. Probably didn't even notice the irritation. “Chase and JJ think you're having a relapse. Chase thinks it's his fault, too.”
“Don't say that,” Blue snaps. “It's not his fault.”
“He was the one who said it.”
“Nothing's his fault,” Blue mumbles to himself, pulling JJ's dress shirt into his lap. He finds the missing button space and presses in the needle behind it. “He's been good.”
“He said you turned off his alarm for work yesterday.”
Blue doesn't answer. He sticks the button against the fabric and pushes up to get the needle through the eye. It stabs his finger and he jolts back for a moment, watching as a tiny bead of blood fills the line of his fingerprint.
Jackie comes over quickly, grabbing his hand. Marvin looks up at him in astonishment, and his brother furrows his brow at him, pressing his red hoodie against the little drop of blood.
“You're fine,” says Jackie, in his steadiest voice.
Marvin sets the dress shirt down on his lap, feeling weird. He's been feeling kind of weird for a couple days. Kind of far away. Jackie touches his face. His gloves are familiar against his skin.
“What do you need, Marvin?” Jackie asks him gently.
Marvin shakes his head, staring at the wall.
Jackie sits down with him and hugs him to his side. “What do you need?” he repeats.
“What do you need?” asks Blue.
“No, you,” Jackie pressures.
“What do I need?” mumbles Marvin.
He senses movement at the door and looks up to see Chase peeking awkwardly in from the hallway. It's almost enough to send Marvin reeling back into his head: Trick timid and unsure, trying to figure out if he's allowed into Red and Blue's important conversations. They would shoo him off so often back then. It felt better, leaving them out of the scariest parts of things when they could. But it just left Dok and Trick listless and unsure.
“You can come here to me,” Marvin says. “Chaser.”
“Yeah,” agrees Chase shyly, stepping into the living room. He settles onto the couch a cushion away, and Marvin beckons for him closer.
“I shouldn't have cuddled up with you like that,” Chase says, not moving closer.
Marvin shakes his head. “Of course you should have. Come here.”
Chase slides against his side and Marvin hugs him against his body, Chase's hair tickling his chin as he leans his head back. Jackie stands over the both of them, a sure hand cupping Marvin's neck.
“I'm sorry, Marv,” Chase mumbles.
“It's not about you, Chase,” Marvin sighs, rubbing at his head. “Fuck. I've been out of it.”
“What happened?” Jackie asks.
Marvin shrugs. “I don't know. I guess we did snuggle up pretty close. But I think it just got me thinking. Schneep's gone, and now we're all out and about a lot. Jackie, you're going to be in India all next month to get the baby, and that's great, but maybe I just...”
“Just wanted to be Blue,” suggests Chase, really soft.
“No,” snaps Marvin.
He pauses. Closes his eyes. Breathes out. “Oh, fuck. I did.”
“Blue was good to us,” Jackie says smoothly, like this isn't all horrifying. “He had a purpose, and we all listened to him and stayed with him. But you can be our brother without being our nanny too now, Marvel.”
“I know that,” groans Marv. “You don't have to – to give me the speech, okay, I think just, somewhere in my head, I just...”
Just wanted that feeling when the five of them would all be able to sit in the same room and know that no one else mattered but each other. Things were so organized, so simple.
And so painful. But no matter what, all four of his brothers were waiting to kiss it better.
“Maybe it's about the baby,” he whispers. Jackie cocks his head at him, and Marvin pushes on despite his own self-loathing. “And Ash, and Quin, and Henrik's friends in Peru, and Chase getting taken care of by coworkers I don't even know. Maybe I'm just having to realize that there are other people you all love more – or at least as much – as we love each other.”
“Max is a different kind of love, but I would never say – ” Jackie starts, and then he shuts himself down suddenly, eyes snapping away to something in the future. Chase laughs weakly.
“Yeah, dude, you will,” he tells his big brother. “And you should. The kid will come before anything.”
Jackie looks at him strangely. “The kid will come before anything,” he agrees. “I... hadn't thought about that either. I've been so excited to love him, but... I'm going to love him more than you.”
He pauses and pushes at his hair for a second. “That's going to hurt! Oh, wow.”
Marvin laughs aloud. “I'm excited to see you two with him, but... things are just changing all the time.”
“So what do we do about it?” Chase asks. “What if we keep doing this? Sometimes I do want comfort the way Trick got it. We all make so much progress, but then I think there are always some parts we crave despite everything. Are we ever going to get through that?”
There's a clicking behind them, and they all turn to look. “You're overthinking it,” signs JJ.
“We are?” Marvin asks, amused.
JJ flops onto the couch beside them. “Course you are. Didn't I live as more than one person for longer than any of you? If you still want something, it's something good. You can still have it. It's just the circumstances around it we can't fall back into. Chase, you can cuddle with Marvin, you two were always like that. Come on. We're never going to be exactly normal brothers, but there's nothing unhealthy about the two of you hugging in bed.”
“It's not really normal,” Chase says weakly.
“Our normal is different than everybody else's. When you and Henrik started remembering yourselves, you figured out that the sharing a bed was a problem between the two of you, and you've reigned it in. But what's wrong with you and Marvin comforting each other every now and then? Why don't you try having some physical touch together when you're not in crisis? You'll figure out quickly what's unhealthy and what's just the two of you liking physical comfort.”
“Okay, now solve my problem,” Marvin says, only half-joking.
JJ grins at him. “You're working on that all the time. Of course there are up and down days. If you're getting clingy, we'll come tell you. Like so. And come on, Marvin, we know you. As soon as you have your nephew in your arms, there won't be any jealousy. Here's the big secret: you're about to love someone more than you love us too.”
Marvin's face heats as the thought occurs to him.
He's been thinking a lot about how good it will be to see Jackie and Max as parents. They've been talking about it so long, and Jackie's ready. Marvin's watched him grow into a husband, and now he's watching him grow into a dad. It's time. He wants to see his brother settled.
But he's going to have a new nephew!
He loves Izzy and Hunter too. Does he love them more than the others? He's not sure. It's different love. It's huge love, but it doesn't have... what is the edge on his love for his siblings? Fear? Is that really what sets that love apart? He doesn't want that to be what makes it special. Pride, sure. Familiarity. These are his comforts. But he doesn't want to love them harder than anything because he still gets so scared that he could have lost them.
He doesn't want to love them more than everyone else in the world, he realizes abruptly. And... he doesn't want them to love him more than anyone, either. He wants them to grow.
“One day at a time,” Jackie says to all three of them, reaching down to touch JJ's chin. “You been okay?”
“I am better than I've ever been,” JJ says, curling into his hand. “I like growing up.”
Yeah. There's the pride. He turns to look at Chase, and his brother sets his head back down on his shoulder.
.
Chase finds Marvin on the couch again three days later.
The birds are chasing each other around outside, where a dusting of snow is beginning to fall from the sky. The house is quiet, with the faint noise of a movie on in JJ's room and the laundry machine rumbling on the other side of the house. Chase moves towards his brother and gets onto the couch and lies down against him.
“Mh?” Marvin asks, flipping a page of his book. He sets it down, frowning. “What's wrong? You okay?”
“Yeah,” Chase says. “I'm good.”
Marvin's hand rests tentatively on his hair. “You need something? We can talk, what's wrong?”
Chase shakes his head. “Nothing's wrong. I just wanted to sit with you.”
Marvin pauses a second later, putting the book on the side table. Then he relaxes. “Ah, I see,” he says. “We're practicing.”
Chase grins at him. Marvin hums and lies down further back on the couch, pulling him against him. “We're just cuddling for fun.”
“Is it weird to call it cuddling?” Chase asks.
“No. It's just the two of us, after all,” Marvin says. “Who's here to judge? You'll always be my darling, you know.”
Chase warms. Just like that? Is that a boundary? He thinks so. Maybe they figured that one out just like that.
And if he's still not sure if something's healthy or not, well, he can always check with his therapist. That's the other nice thing about becoming a part of the world outside. The five of them aren't alone in any of this. It was scary once, but now, it's a beautiful thing.
He doesn't need to be Trick. He doesn't need the world to depend on the relationships he has with his brothers. He can just have this. He can just love his brother for where they are now.
“We're still special, though,” Chase says.
“Hm?”
“You and me. We have a bond. All five of us. It's always going to be special.”
Marvin looks at him seriously for a long moment, his hand rubbing down his back.
“Yeah,” he agrees. “It's always going to be special.”
Chase nods and presses his face into his chest, closing his eyes. They're growing all the time. But Blue and Red and Trick and Dok and Dapper are always going to be there, somewhere inside or behind or beneath them, he doesn't know. Maybe it doesn't have to be a bad thing. Maybe they can just keep the good things.
His phone buzzes, and he reaches down to get it out of his pocket. Henrik's texted him.
Heard you were being a bad-ass at work the other day?? I guess there are some things we never lose. Why didn't you tell me?
Chase texts him back. Honestly, I thought if you heard somebody had cut me, you might fly back to cut them back.
What? Someone cut you? What sort of a motherfucker. I will flay him like a fillet of COD.
It's so ridiculous and so earnest and so Henrik. Chase starts laughing, hugging Marvin's stomach, warm all the way down to his core. Yeah. Maybe they can just keep the good things.
This chapter was compiled in its entirety by the wonderful @lehhoh7822, who did it simply as a favor. I am so grateful to have our story in one piece because of you!
Chapter Five ran from March 26th to November 24th of 2021.
Its word count, including asks, is 187,684. Combining the other chapters gives MBC a total word count of 803,411 words at the time of finishing Chapter Five.
Chapter Five title was: Resurrection
This chapter has been broken into multiple sections and consolidated into fic format. To read, see the section links below. Or, find the Chapter One masterlist here, the Chapter Two masterlist here, the Chapter Three masterlist here, and the Chapter Four masterlist here. A continuation written in 2023 is compiled here. The short story collection for the whole of the series can be found here.
Intro
Section One
Section Two
Section Three
Section Four
Section Five
Section Six
Section Seven
Section Eight
Section Nine
Section Ten
Section Eleven
Section Twelve
Section Thirteen
Section Fourteen
Thank you, as always, for having written this story with me.
As we draw to a close, the brothers name kittens and look back at where they used to be. Masterlist
Tws for grief, past abuse, and past distress. Tws may not be completely exhaustive - keep in mind the heaviness of the fic and look out for yourself.
Thank you to @lehhoh7822 for taking the time to compile this book! Genuinely, I would never have been able to post all this without you. Everyone who is reading it again is only do so because of your generosity with your time. Thanks.
.
unpredictably-ghostly asked:
No, I think you might be right, it's about time for us to step back. You guys are moving on from your time with Anti, and we were a part of that, but now things are getting better, you don't really need us anymore. We're all so proud of you for how far you've come, and for all the wonderful things there can be in your futures. You deserve independence and freedom, and if that means we have to start saying goodbye, that's what we can do <3
“I mean, it’s - it’s about us stepping back, not you,” says Marvin tenderly, glancing away. “You were there in Anti’s time, yeah, but not in a bad way. Like the way my brothers were there when Anti was there. Not in a bad way.”
He hears Henrik laughing from the room over. There’s evening light in Marvin’s eyes.
“Has been a long time, hasn’t it?” he muses. “I don’t think it’s occurred to the others so much that maybe it’s a little strange to have you around. Schneep in particular is really attached to having you around. I think ever since he was alone with the magicians in Peru he’s been very attached. But you’ve been something very stable to all of us, through a lot of different phases. I don’t know how to express to you how valuable that’s been.”
He’s maybe shy about it, because he won’t quite look at you.
“Anyway, it’s just a heads up,” he adds. “Just a thought.”
scunneredzombie asked:
Of course you can be on camera less guys! You've done so much healing, we're one of the last pieces of the past, and it makes sense to slowly let us go. Just be sure to update us any time you can, we love seeing you healthy and thriving and healing.
“Yeah, updates,” nods Marvin. “We could do that. Maybe start to move towards interacting more normally. Like updating a friend instead of live-streaming your life for them.”
He chuckles. “There will be less and less worth ‘live-streaming,’ as we move past some of our drama and put ourselves back together more and more. And that, I think, is a good thing.”
Anonymous asked:
We've been a line of truth and sanity for you guys for a long long time now, I understand why Henrik and all of you would be attached to us
“Right,” says Marvin, scraping his fingers over his scalp. “Sometimes the only line of truth and sanity. But at the same time, it’s not exactly healthy to be over-reliant on anonymous strangers talking to us from countries away, no matter how much we appreciate you all. And I don’t want you to feel that you have to watch over us, either. Certainly we couldn’t have gotten here without you, but we are here now, you know? It will have ups and downs, but we’re learning to make our own decisions a little easier. To solve our own problems without needing as much encouragement and help as we used to. That being said… you are a dearly comforting safety net.”
crystalninjaphoenix asked:
It's okay, Marvin. I will admit, I'll be a bit sad, but we can't constantly be there, you know? That'll probably have some sort of effect on you guys. Don't worry about it. We're okay.
Marvin smiles at you, shaking his head.
“I figure for all the worrying you’ve done for us, it’s only fair to worry a little bit in return. I’m glad that Anti’s system remained running even after he died. The thought that we could have just been cut off from you then and there… that would have been fucking hopeless. Sometimes you were the only voices we put any faith in. The only stability we had to cling to.”
It’s uncharacteristically soft. Uncharacteristically needy, in the sense that he hates letting most anyone know he needs them. But you know that by now. You know him.
“Thank you for that,” he says, quiet and firm. “For everything.”
Anonymous asked:
Privacy is something you lot haven't had in years. I think turning us off now and then is alright, you deserve to have times just for yourself. No audience, no cameras, no livestreaming. Just brothers, family, and healing.
“Yep, we’re a little weird like that,” grins Marvin, shaking out his hair again. Just a little bit longer, and he can tie it back. “After the way Anti watched us, having you around without him there was no problem at all. But you’ve never been a burden to us. The lack of privacy, we’ve barely even started recognizing it until now. Change can be scary, but it can also be good.”
The giggling of his nephew and niece draws him from his severity, and he straightens up and smiles like you weren’t talking at all.
“Well, look who it is,” he calls, shaking his head, and ruffles up their hair when they come over to hug him, all full of smiles. “The little devils themselves.”
“Uncle Marvin, are you going to do some magic so Daddy can come see me in Sweden?” asks Hunter, clinging to his pants.
“Of course I am, darling. My friends and I are already working on the mirror so you and Dad can visit each other no problem. Why? Is Mum talking about going home?”
“She said school is going to start,” says Izzy. “So we have to go home on Thursday. But can’t we go to school here?”
“I’m sorry, my dears, but your mother has her work and her life in Sweden now, and it’s better for you to have some stability. But I’m sure Mom and Dad are working out how to have you visit Dad a lot as well. He would even come live closer if he needed to - although I’m hoping I can help work around it.”
He glances out of the side window to see Chase and Stacy deep in conversation on the front porch.
Anonymous asked:
Is something going on Chase?
Marvin tilts his head, looking at Stacy’s face. Chase is turned away from him, but Stacy is looking up at his little brother with big doe eyes.
Marvin cranks the side-window open, just a little.
“You don’t even remember, like, why we split up and all that, and it’s not really fair for me to say one way or the other - ”
“No, I get that, really, Stace, I just - I just want to know where we stand, okay? You’re right, I don’t remember all of it. All my heart knows when I look at you is the way I used to feel, the way we used to be in love, and I just need to know - ”
Marvin closes the window abruptly, blinking.
Anonymous asked:
Marvin, I think you used to have a cat named Queenie? A big fluffy white one! You should ask around and see if anyone has pictures of her, I'm pretty sure the cat collar belonged to her.
Okay, you’re totally correct but quick note: I got too sad to kill Queenie and Athanasius so I used my artistic license and changed their names in this one lol. If you want to refer to them as Queenie and Athanasius that’s no problem, I’ll just have Marvin call them Soup (the female one) and Feichin (the male one), which are the silly names I picked for them in this story. Just so you know!! Either way is fine.
“Aw, a big fluffy cat,” murmurs Marvin, his mouth filling up with a frown. “Poor little things were so ragged on the… you know, on the porch.”
It still makes him sad. He wishes that big fluffy cat were waiting for him now.
Stacy’s pushing in through the door a minute later, and he turns to her with a smile. “Hey,” he says.
She hugs him from the side, which has become their daily greeting. He didn’t need Stacy to explain to him that they had always been close friends: he had felt his warmth for her from the first moment he saw her. He squeezes his sister against him. “Everything okay?”
She hums, nodding for a moment before looking up at him. Her eyes are clean and her mouth smiles. “Yeah,” she says. “Yeah, I think everything is.”
“You can talk to me anytime if you need.”
“We’re okay.”
“Okay. Well, hey, I was wondering if you had any old pictures of my cats?”
Stacy furrows her brow and pulls her phone. “Well, I ought to, seeing as you used to send them to me en masse.”
She holds her phone up for him a moment later, and Marvin’s breath catches in his throat a little.
It’s him on a red couch, leaning back casually, a pair of cats both standing on his legs and resting their front paws on his shoulders. There is a huge, fluffy white one resting primly against his chest and a smaller bengal squinting warmly at the camera.
“Aw,” is all Marvin manages, touching the side of the phone gingerly.
“I’ll send them to you, okay?” offers Stacy.
“Thanks.”
Chase comes in after Stacy, sparing Marvin a smile as he sets some groceries down in their semi-functional kitchen. “Want me to get started on dinner?”
“Oh, I’ll do it, no worries! You just spend some time with the kids and their uncles.”
“Okay.”
Chase comes back to sit down on the floor beside Marvin, who’s still fixed on that image, and his hands resting on the backs of his pets.
Anonymous asked:
(Right, I should've realized the name change!!) Marvin, do you think it would help if you got a cat again? Maybe a friend for Noodle! Or do you feel it would hurt more than help?
“A friend for Noodle,” says Chase eagerly.
Marvin snorts. “Um, I don’t know,” he sighs. “Just reluctant, I guess. Kind of feels like - maybe it’s silly. Kind of just feels like a betrayal. I didn’t even remember my cats. My own cats. That just sucks. And even if I get new ones, it won’t be them again.”
He sighs. “Wish I was a necromancer.”
Chase sinks into his side after a moment, warm and present. Marvin turns and brushes at his hair, smiling at him.
Anonymous asked:
So Chase, how's it going with Stacy?
“Ohhh,” says Chase, turning a little pink. He plays with his fingers. “Oh, you know, fine.”
Marvin is grinning at him. Chase flushes as he looks at him. “What?”
“You were talking pretty loud,” admits Marvin.
Chase sinks a little farther against the wall, smiling a bit despite himself.
“You’re a bold man making a go at her,” says Marvin.
Chase chuckles. “Stupid man. How could I not, though? She’s so pretty.”
“Is she going to give you another chance?”
“No,” says Chase. “But that’s okay. She said it wasn’t fair to me for her to remember all the bad shit we did to each other and me to not remember. She said we broke up for good reasons and right now we need to focus on the kids, which is true. We’re going to learn to be partners in parenting before we even talk about anything else. And that felt right.”
Marvin sets his head back, humming.
“She said she wanted me to date some other people first anyway,” adds Chase. “And that she’s seen some guys here and there and we both need to figure ourselves out a little bit. That felt right too.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes. But then, just at the end, she said that she still does remember how good it was when we were in love, and that maybe, if we figure things out over the next couple years, and I stay sober - well, we could talk about it again then. But she didn’t want me to wait around for her. She said to go meet people and just worry about myself and the kids.”
Chase closes his eyes and sets his head down on Marvin’s shoulder. “So I think that will all be alright. Just to grow on my own. And now I know.”
“She cut you loose,” says Marvin fondly.
“Yes,” says Chase. “I won’t obsess over her so much now. I’m a free man, Marv.”
“That you are,” says Marvin, kissing the side of his head. “Now and forever.”
“Amen.”
Anonymous asked:
Any luck getting in contact with the Ravens, guys? Henrik I'm sure you miss them majorly, and I'd love for them to get to see you so safe and healthy
“You know, I left them a message just yesterday,” says Henrik, watching a movie with JJ and, now that they’ve run in, the kids. “Marvin’s friends helped find the number, some magic directory, I suppose. Haha. But they did not answer and then the voice message was in Spanish, so I just left a message asking for Emmanuela or Hermann or someone, and hopefully they will call me back. I would like to speak with them very much.”
“Hey.” Chase pokes his head in the door, smiling at his brothers and his children. “Come on and get some dinner.”
They leave the laptop with you on the bed, and as they crowd into the dining room, you realize there are no cameras in there at all: just nearby ones that, over the course of the next hour, send you the sound of their laughter many times over.
.
Anonymous asked:
Have you guys thought about trying to contact Jack? He might remember you once he sees you, like how Dark slowly remembered Anti. It might be worth a shot.
This is an idea I toyed with including, but ultimately, I have decided to leave it to you to imagine whether or not they would contact Jack again and what his reaction might be. Whatever you think is canon, is canon. Thank you for asking.
Okay, guys… if I can hold to my guns, the next scene should be the last :’)
Anonymous asked:
Hey Trick, you should surprise Henrik with some hanukkah candles! The last time he got to celebrate was still in captivity, getting to connect with his religion in a freer state of mind would be wonderful.
“It’s September now,” Henrik says. “Rosh Hashanah will be closer.”
“Summer’s ending,” complains Chase. “I don’t want it to get cold.”
“I do. I will like to see all the leaves turn color and fall onto the grass. And I will have coffee all day and make pie.”
Chase sends him the football along with a look of faux despair, and they laugh as it bounces off Henrik’s foot and nearly hits him in the face. The red ball, a little deflated, rolls back and forth between them on the soft hot grass.
“We can celebrate Rosh Hashanah exactly as you like,” Chase continues, kicking the ball up and catching it on his knee before bouncing it back to his brother. “And Hannukkah too, when it comes. You can have candles and all the latkes you can eat.”
Marvin rests in the grass nearby, Noodle purring next to him as he reads Inkheart. The ball rolls close to him.
“I’m not getting that for you if you hit me with it,” he warns.
Henrik appears above him with the ball, looking mischievous, and Marvin lets out a short bark of warning as he mimics dropping the ball right onto Marvin’s face, catching it again at the last moment. Marvin swats at his ankles in vengeance and Henrik darts away again, laughing.
“Miscreants,” mumbles Marvin, lying back again and stroking Noodle’s back. Jameson waters the flowers around the house and the little cat graves, wandering around the property and the border of the forest with no shoes and total freedom.
Anonymous asked:
So out of curiosity, are all of you in therapy now? If not you should be! All of you need it, even if things feel slowly better, you'll need a professional to help you work through the traumatic memories and feelings. - 🎒
“JJ sees a psychiatrist,” says Chase. “And has a social worker from the hospital checking in with him. Marvin does go to therapy. Him and I have our appointments at the same time, with different shrinks in the same office building. Jackie has been distracted with everything, but from what I understand, he plans to keep going to see someone. Schneep probably needs to see a clinical psychologist too. We’re trying to find someone a little more specialized. Since his triggers are kind of intense. He will, though.”
Henrik nods, returning the ball to his brother. “Need to see a trauma specialist who has worked with torture and abduction before.”
Chase’s mouth purses unhappily, something flashing through his face. But as soon as the grief and the fear appears, Chase lets it go again, closing his eyes for a second and letting it settle back into his mind. They’re safe. There is no reason to grieve anymore, or not right now, anyway. He’s here.
Marvin has cut Henrik’s hair and it is short and neat. His new glasses are still unbroken and always clean of smudges. He wears a t-shirt and sweatpants as they play on the front lawn, and the scars, though visible from several meters back, do not bother him.
They’re not as identical as they once were, Chase supposes, scratching a hand through his flop of hair, his face dotted in freckling. But he thinks maybe that’s a good thing.
Anonymous asked:
Do you still feel any dysphoria over your body, Marv? You've come a long way and I'm proud of you!
Marvin hums, settling the book on his chest for a second and closing his eyes. The warm sun soaks into his skin. Against his body, Noodle is a heavy, fuzzy, reassuring weight.
He isn’t in pain. The body is his.
“My skin isn’t a prison anymore,” he says, running his hands over Noodle’s fur. “I dream, sometimes, that Anti is under my flesh again, and I wake up sick and hating myself. But then I try to take care of myself in revenge.”
He grins coldly, shaking his head.
“It’s my last rebellion against him. He tried to make me hate myself so much. Hate my body. Tried to take my autonomy from me. And I would want to hurt myself because of it. But now - it’s been months since he died. Months since he possessed me. And I won’t give him the privilege of still having control over me and my body. So when I want to hurt myself and hate myself and hide, I get a hot cup of mint tea and wrap my blankets around me and put on clean clothes. I take a long warm shower. I put on my favorite jewelry and comb my hair. I eat. I walk in the forest. Brush my teeth. Kiss our cat.”
His eyes open lazily. The sunlight makes the blue so clear you could swim in it. He is spread out in the grass in a soft white shirt and shorts, his ears and fingers glittering with jewelry. He sinks a hand into the long, overgrown grass, and you see tiny flowers bud up around his palm, a ladybug crawling onto his wrist out of curiosity.
“So I guess I still feel dysphoric, sometimes, yeah. Sometimes cause of Anti and sometimes because I don’t want to be a man today and sometimes because I just want to punish myself for the things that I went through. But I rebel against it… I love myself instead.”
[Anonymous asked:
Sending this as a scene request because it feels like it's too late in the story to send it to Trick. But do you think he'd ever get in contact with Xin Yi again? How would that go? Would they still have crushes on each other, would they end up together? Can we see how that would go when/if it happened? Ty Bee!
I will have to leave that one up to you to imagine - sorry I cannot fulfill the scene request <3 If you want him to find her again, of course he does. I’m not sure how he would - maybe she still runs that same hawker stand with her family back in Singapore, and the boys will go back and travel to all the places they once hid, and meet these people on better terms. Chase’s memory of Xin Yi is limited because Anti tried to get rid of her in his head, but he might remember her better if he could see her again.
I can tell you that my personal headcanon is that Xin Yi and the sunbird magician in Singapore, Caleb, met after what happened, because Xin Yi came back to look for Chase when he disappeared and Caleb was her only lead. She found out through Caleb about magic and the monster in that house who burned him so badly.
Caleb survived Anti’s attack and is rebuilding the sunbird order in Singapore. I like to think Xin Yi is helping him.]
Anonymous asked:
So what are you going to do with yourself now, Marv? Mostly magician stuff? I think it should be up to you what you become after all this! You're free and strong now. I hope you know now you were always beautiful, even with shaved hair and sick in your eyes. You've always been someone worth loving.
Marvin beams, sitting up in the grass and stretching luxuriously. “A lot of magician stuff, I expect,” he says, a little amused. “But then again, my friends tell me I did some translation work before all this. I went to school for linguistics, I guess, which is why I speak a few different languages. I can do… a lot of things, really.”
He grins at the blue sky. “I can do anything.”
And he is beautiful in the same way that that sick survivor in the hospital bed was beautiful, because he is still hoping for something.
“I feel beautiful,” he adds. “Thank you. For the days when I didn’t, and you told me I was worth having anyway.”
Anonymous asked:
What has Jackie been so busy with??
“Well,” says Chase. “He was working a lot at the theater. And then he got stabbed and was on bedrest. And then he met Max! So he’s been kind of distracted from therapy, in general.”
Anonymous asked:
Seems I missed a few days, but check in time! What's everyone's emotional status? All good in septiceye world? - 🎒
“Good,” say the twins together, rolling the ball between them.
“The kids are going to come stay with me for a whole weekend as soon as the magic mirror or whatever is cleared for travel,” says Chase proudly. “And I haven’t had anything to drink since that girl gave me wine. It wasn’t even good wine. And Schneep’s been looking at jobs.”
“Oh, only a little,” says Henrik. “Just discovering what my options might be if I want to try and work again. Maybe a little later. For now, I am content to rest, and we are not so short on funds that I must return to work.”
Marvin stands up, patting Noodle on the head. “And I think I’ve answered the question,” he says. He straightens up and his eyes find his youngest brother just within the forest, kneeling and working in the dirt. Marvin flashes him a thumbs up. Jameson blinks at him for a second, but eventually gives a thumbs up in return before going back to his task.
Marvin is distracted by the buzzing in his pocket. He pulls out the cell phone they share between them and accepts the call from an unknown number.
“Is it Jackie?” asks Chase.
Marvin shakes his head, listening for a minute. The twins exchange confused looks as he turns away from them and talks.
“Henrik,” he calls after a moment. “Come here.”
He holds the phone out to him.
unpredictably-ghostly asked:
Oh? Who's calling??
Henrik approaches his brother skeptically. “Don’t do this to me, Marvin,” he warns. “Don’t mess with me on this.”
Marvin just grins and passes the phone to him. Henrik bites his teeth together for a second before taking it and setting it to his ear.
“Hello?” he says.
A couple voices hush each other on the other side. “Henrik?” calls a voice.
Something catches in his chest. “Oh! My friends!”
He hears a wild shriek and then, an ocean away, the raucous, delighted laughter of a group of Peruvian magicians, who have been waiting to hear from him this whole time.
Henrik hears himself laughing too.
“He lives! Long live the doctor!”
“Henrik, you ass, we thought we might never hear from you again!”
“Are you well? Hey, let me talk! Henrik, are you well?”
“I hope you sent that monster back to hell where he belongs!”
“I’m well,” he laughs, clinging to the phone. “I’m - I’m well, yes. I’m very well now, oh.”
nikkilbook asked:
Whatcha working on, Jaimer?
Jameson glances back at you, eyebrows raised.
“Nothing,” he signs after a second, his body hiding his project. “Just… gardening.”
He hears the hollering from Henrik on the phone and looks back to see him smiling and talking to his friends. Jameson looks back to his task, a breath falling from his mouth, almost a sigh. In his hands, a rounded stone. He sets it on the ground with a grimace, wiping at the sweat on his forehead.
nikkilbook asked:
Gardening for y’all, or for the kitties?
Jameson shrugs. “For me, I guess.”
He sets another rock down on top of the other, running his fingers over it.
Anonymous asked:
Chase, JJ, do you hang out together now? Do you feel more like proper brothers, love each other, treat each other with respect? I feel like that'd be a mark of extreme healing for you two after Anti made you to hate each other so badly all that time ago.
Chase pulls his attention away from Henrik with a chuckle, knowing he’ll want to talk to his friends for a while. He lets the football come to a rest beneath his foot and spots Jamie working alone beneath the trees.
“Everything changed when I was given a taste of what it really must have been like to be him for so long,” he says, gazing out at him. “When I realized it wasn’t actually being spoiled or treated better than the rest of us. It was just another version of abuse.”
He treads out towards him, his cat running over to walk with him. “I think my hatred for him died that day Anti dragged us both up to his room in the California house and locked us in together for so long. My head was so scrambled. He was the only thing I was clinging to. And Anti treated me so warmly, but so terribly at the same time. What a form of torture: to be that confused and hated and loved at the same time. If I didn’t have Jameson there, I would have lost myself… permanently, I think. I could never have fought free without him helping me. He saved me. I think maybe we saved each other. Since then, I don’t have any anger for him, not anywhere inside me. He’s my brother. And I sure respect the fuck out of him for fucking surviving the treatment Anti put him through. For being able to fight at all after that - he’s one of the toughest sons of bitches I know.
"Now we’re working on being friends too. We went out for coffee the other day, to make up for the day I missed last week, and it was good between us. He does get so shy though. Not even of other people. Just of me. There’s a part of me that feels he’s still waiting to be rejected by the rest of us: for us to decide he’s not worth the trouble, or that he’s too much like Anti, or something like that. But it’s something we just have to affirm to him again and again - that he belongs with us, that we love him. I’d like to see him bold again. I will see him bold again. I’m tired of seeing him afraid.”
Noodle runs ahead of Chase with a meow to greet JJ, pulling his attention back to them. Chase smiles at him and JJ manages a twitch of a smile back at him before turning away again, kneeling over his project.
Chase kneels down beside him, touching his hand.
“Hey,” he says. “Hey, what’s wrong? Look at me.”
JJ looks back at him, a little red-eyed. Chase touches his shoulder, his thumb grazing his chin.
After a moment, JJ sinks into his side. Chase holds him against his chest.
“What’s the matter, love?”
“Love,” JJ signs back, pressing it against his brother’s heart, and then he just sighs and closes his eyes.
nikkilbook asked:
Is it a cairn for the twin you could have had?
Chase touches the smooth surface of the little set of stones JJ has set up in the woods. Jameson hides his face in one hand, refusing to look up at him.
“Jamie,” says Chase. “Hey, we’re okay.”
Jameson finally lets his hand fall from his eyes, shaking his head.
“I’m just sick of not being normal,” he says. “Everybody else gets to have their twin. Everybody else gets to be together. I’m just his fucked-up other half. And I hate that I miss him most of all.”
Jameson’s face contorts with fury and grief. He sinks back onto his heels, closing his eyes and hiding his face again.
“I’m always going to be set apart from the rest of you,” he says. “I wish I could have been enough to make him love me.”
“That’s not - ”
“I know it’s not,” Jameson interrupts. “I know I never could have. I know he chose to be the way he was. I always knew it. But it doesn’t make me feel any better. I’m sorry, Chase.”
Chase looks up at him, blinking. “For what?”
“For not getting everyone a better ending,” he says. “ For everything. For not having a happy ending for you sooner.”
“Why is that on you?” asks Chase, startled.
“I’m supposed to fix things,” says JJ helplessly. “That’s why - that’s why he made me, but I still can’t - ”
His words falter from his hands. Chase presses closer to him and hugs him tightly, pulling his head against his shoulder.
“C'mon, then,” murmurs Chase, pulling away from him after a second.
“What?” asks JJ.
Chase gets up on his feet and wanders in a circle for a moment, leaning down to pick up a medium-sized stone. He comes back to JJ’s side and kneels, placing the stone atop the ones JJ has already erected.
Jameson wipes at the tears on his face and gets back up, collecting stones of his own. They work in silence. Noodle purrs beside the little stack of rocks, his tail thumping against the dirt and leaves, until they have a little tower of stone in front of them.
Chase runs his fingers over the side of it.
“Don’t tell Marvin I made it for Anti,” asks JJ.
“Marvin can get over himself if he still has problems with you grieving him,” returns Chase, turning to tug a strand of JJ’s hair fondly. “JJ, I miss him too sometimes.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Of course. The way he could make you feel like you were special, like you were precious - and then of course, he’d tear you down again afterwards, but it only made it feel so much better when you could win his approval again. He was a horrible kind of addiction.”
Chase looks at his brother. “It’s okay if you’re sad instead of angry sometimes. If your feelings towards him are complicated, that’s okay. You were with him your whole life. But Jay, you gotta start letting go of the past.”
“I’ve been thinking about something, though,” says JJ, scooting towards him. “Look, I’m feeling better these days. My medication’s working, I’m not delusional, I’m stable, nobody’s hurting me. Chase, I think I could start time-traveling again.”
“What? Jamie, that’s not - ”
“I think I could make things better,” Jameson insists. “What if I could go back and relive some of it - ”
“Relive?”
“And fix some things because I know how to make it right now!”
“You want to go back to Anti, go through all that shit again, just so you could maybe get us here faster?”
“Chase, I could save Henrik from being tortured! I could stop Anti from ever taking Marvin’s body from him! I could give us a happy ending!”
Chase grabs his arm with a sudden vehemence, something hot rising in his face. He pulls Jameson out of the forest, back to the clearing, and points him towards their home.
Henrik and Marvin are clinging to each other’s hands, laughing as Henrik talks to his friends over the phone. There are flowers and butterflies in the lawn. The house is undisturbed, unbloodied, safe.
“What about this is not a happy ending to you?” asks Chase, pulling Jameson’s gaze to him. “Why do you have to blame yourself for things that Anti did?”
“Because maybe I could make them right,” stutter Jameson’s hands. “That’s my job.”
Chase shakes his head at him, gripping his hand for a moment.
“Your only job is to be our brother,” he says. “And there is nothing in the world that is worth you going back to Anti’s arms again, JJ.”
scunneredzombie asked:
JJ, just because you're a time traveler doesn't make it your job to fix everything. You spent most of your life so hypnotised you didn't even know the snake in your rabbit's den. How could you have known to fix it? Don't blame yourself for the suffering, it's no one's fault but Anti's. Trauma is trauma and you all are going to have it no matter the fixing you do. It is not your job to fix everything. You are not a tool for a means.
“Sometimes I knew he was a snake,” protests JJ weakly. “He was just… my snake.”
Chase snorts, stepping forward to brush tears from his face. “Sometimes you did, and sometimes you didn’t. But there was never all that much you could do about it until you had some help, JJ. And that’s okay.”
“I should have been the first to rebel,” says JJ. “I should have.”
“It’s the past, James.” He cups his brother’s face between his hands. “It’s done. And they’re right. You are not his tool, you don’t have to fix things, and you definitely aren’t here just to right Anti’s mistakes.”
JJ closes his eyes and leans into his hands, exhausted.
“I guess that while he’s dead completely to the rest of us… you’ve been sitting here in the knowledge that you could go back to him whenever you wanted. Huh?”
Jameson’s face contorts with pain. He doesn’t answer.
“Have you ever gone back to see him?”
Blue eyes flash open. JJ shakes his head no.
Chase purses his mouth. “I want to believe that, really, but I happen to know you are a pretty damn good actor when you need to be.”
Jameson lets out a ragged breath. “Just a few times. It was before… before I started getting better. I haven’t in at least a month.”
“What are you trying to get by doing that?” asks Chase, bewildered. “I can’t even imagine wanting to go back to those times.”
JJ wipes at his face. “I just want you all to stop being in pain.”
Chase sighs out, long and slow. He reaches for JJ’s hand and pulls him back into the trees, towards the cairn. They stop together and Chase rotates their hands. In the light, the smooth, puckered skin of the burn on his hand gleams.
“Look at this,” says Chase. “Anti did this to me. I lit a fire to keep us warm and he threw me into it. It hurt really badly. It traumatized me. The scar will never go away.”
He meets JJ’s gaze. “And if you told me you could go back in time and make that moment never happen, I would tell you not to.”
Noodle is purring against their legs, twining between their ankles. He runs forward into the trees, free as can be, golden-hot in the sun.
“JJ, sometimes pain makes you realize things you couldn’t see before, and sometimes pain is just pain, and it sucks, and it hurts you for a long time. But it’s still a part of who I am. It still reminds me that I was strong enough to escape, that I never have to let anyone put me back in that place, that I got out with my life and I should treasure every moment of freedom I have. Sure, there are a couple times where it would have just been better even in the long-run for us not to have been hurt, or chained up, or tortured… but if you start trying to fix all of them, you will tear yourself apart in the process. And I would much rather have you than one less scar on my hand.
"Bad things don’t always happen for a reason, but we find the meaning in them anyway. The past is gone, Jameson. You and me and our family - we are what remains.”
“I love you,” mouths Jameson, not pulling his hand away.
Chase pulls them to their knees and sets their shared hands on top of the smooth surface of that little cairn in the woods.
“Bury Anti here,” says Chase softly. “Leave him in the past with the rest of the pain, little brother. Let Anti rest right here, and let him go.”
Anonymous asked:
The past is the past, and Anti can never hurt you again. Jameson, you are more than half of a whole. You have always been whole all on your own. Anti will always be part of you, but let that part come to rest. Let that part fall off like a skin tag, useless and only there to hurt.
Jameson runs his fingers over the stones, sighing. It takes up so much of his waking hours: the regret over the things he could have done better, or sooner, or differently. It seems like every time his brothers are in pain, it’s his fault.
But that was what Anti wanted him to think. It was just another cage he kept him in.
He’s his own person, and he belongs with his real brothers, not the broken reflection of someone who should have loved him but never did. He knows better. Chase is right - he has to let go of the past.
Besides, why should this not be the right ending? Why should this not be called happiness? Every ending has some pain in it. Some imperfections. There will be hard days, going forward. Painful days and difficult days and days where he is full of regret and has to see the others in pain. But they will come back from each of those days and keep going anyway. They will have coffee and blankets and fresh snow in the winter. Chocolate and church services. Dates with new people, birthday parties, and long walks in the forest whenever they feel like it. A home, and a family, and a hug when your heart hurts.
Is that not a happy ending?
“Noodle, Noodle,” calls Chase, pulling Jameson from his reflection as the bushes rustle. “Come here, baby!”
Noodle darts out of the bushes and comes warmly to Chase’s side, his chest rumbling. Chase laughs and brushes at his back, but then the bushes give another rustle, and there is a soft noise that makes both him and Jameson look up.
Noodle mewls and jumps back towards the bushes, purring. Chase and Jameson exchange glances and get to their feet.
“A squirrel?” asks Jameson.
“He wouldn’t be purring at a squirrel, he’d have tried to bring it back to me in his mouth. Noodle?”
A languid meow from the bushes, and then a second one, and two pairs of eyes peek out at Jameson and Chase from the bushes.
Anonymous asked:
Cats?? Maybe kittens??
“Marvin! Marvin, come here, come now!”
The shouting of his name makes Marvin whip around in alarm, but it only takes him a second to realize it’s accompanied by loud laughter and a couple of the shrieking noises Chase makes whenever Noodle does something really cute. Marvin snorts and looks at Henrik, who rolls his eyes back at him, and they both head towards the trees to see what Noodle’s done now.
Chase and Jameson are on their knees in the dirt, laughing. “What is it now, you dorks?” asks Marvin, moving over to stand above them.
His heart leaps to his throat.
“Holy shit,” he breathes.
Chase looks up at him, beaming and red in the face with excitement. Jameson is smoothing his hands lovingly over the back of a huge white cat with thick, matted fur, no older than six months by his guess. She rests on her back, purring, apparently unalarmed by all the loud humans around her. Noodle beats his tail against her, humming.
“How is this possible?” asks Marvin. “We saw their bodies. The cats - they’re dead.”
“This is a different cat,” Jameson tells him. “I would know if it were the same ones.”
“But it looks like the other cat!”
Jameson smiles up at him. “You had a boy and a girl cat. They wandered a lot. Did as they pleased. It’s not impossible that they might have had a little nest of kittens we hadn’t found out about yet.”
Marvin reaches out, breathless. The cat looks up at him with these clear blue eyes, like a fancy little show cat might have. He touches her tenderly and she lets him. When he wraps his arms around her, she allows him to pull her to his chest.
“Oh, there’s another one!” cries Henrik, and at once Marvin’s brothers are leaping up to look at to try and cajole over the second cat, just as pretty and white as its sibling. But Marvin can’t get over the one in his arms.
She purrs at him, warm against his chest. By all accounts she should be feral, but she isn’t. Maybe he did know these kittens, once. Maybe he just forgot.
“My little girl,” he breathes, stroking her head. “My little friend. You come back to me.”
He looks up at the feeling of eyes set upon him and sees Jameson smiling at him. His eyes are slightly red. Marvin reaches out his free hand to touch his face, concerned.
“You alright?” he asks.
“Yes,” signs Jameson. “Yes, I think so.”
Anonymous asked:
Ohh Marvin! Marvin you have kittens! What do you think you'll name them? Oh, what about some of the names we suggested for you back when you were struggling a bit with self image, like Maeve and Ciara and Uathach?
Marvin laughs, rocking the cat in his arms.
“Okay, guys,” he says, squishing the cat to his chest. “There is a girl cat here and - did you catch the other one?”
“She’s friendly too!” shouts Chase.
“And also a white cat?”
“She has grey booties!”
“Holy shit.”
“I know!”
Marvin turns his attention back to you, laughing. “In celebration of us finding at least two cats in the woods… please feel free to submit your name suggestions. Haha. Shit, do you remember when we first got Noodle? And now this? This is the best day of my life.”
If you’d like, we can name them the same way we named Noodle: send in name suggestions and we can count notes to vote for which you like. I will put these three names as the first suggestions.
Okay I was going to leave a good deal of time but I got so many right away we might have to just go with those lol! Sorry if someone did not get to send suggestions I did not realize they would come so fast ahhh!! but thank you hahah <3
The boys are all crowded around the camera, laughing and holding the cats. Noodle curls around their legs, wondering why he is suddenly not getting everyone’s attention, until JJ takes pity on him and scoops him up too.
Both girls are remarkably calm. The one with the grey stockings has a little grey on her face as well.
“Not Call-each, Chaser, it’s pronounced like Callie-ah.”
“Heaven and Angel, and then… these are some separate ones. Should we name them both separately or in a pair?”
“Let’s pick two of these duo names we like,” says Marvin. “So I like Peanut and Jam, that’s funny.”
“And I like Turkey Leg and Chicken Leg,” laughs JJ.
“And then… we’ll say Stockings and something elegant, which we can pick if we need to. And Boots and Dove. And then if you do like one of the names but don’t like the other one, you can say that and we’ll see what we can do.”
I’ll post them in pairs and we can workshop from there if needed :) like if things get close we can narrow it down starting with these pairs. leave a like, comment, reblog, or send an ask to vote for the one you like. thanks guys
I feel bad leaving people out so if you want to send some last minute ones in GO GO GO
Option 1: Roisin and Caragh (pronounced Cara I believe)
Option 2: Amber and Amethyst
Option 3: Brighid and Cailleach
Option 4: Heaven and Angel
Option 5: Chicken Leg and Turkey Leg
Option 6: Peanut and Jam
Option 7: Stockings and something to be determined, maybe Adoline
Option 8: Boots and another silly name or color-based name, maybe Boots and Dove
Option 9: Stockings and Roisin
Option 10: Maeve and Ciara and Uathach (pronounced oo-a-hah) (we will pick 2/3 if needed) or other names from Irish mythology like Siobhra (pronounced sheefra)
We are down to three choices: Stockings and Roisin, Turkey Leg and Chicken Leg, or Peanuts and Jam. For those of you who voted for different options or anyone else who wants to cast a vote, feel free to choose between those three now!
Anonymous asked:
Good duo names: Lemon/Lime, Chicken Leg/Turkey Leg, Pumpkin Pie/Apple Pie, Juice/Soda, Peanut/Jam
“Peanut and Jam,” laughs Marvin, and it’s enough to send a fit of laughter through all four of them, huddled around their cats in the woods. “That’s very good.”
“Peanut should be the white one,” says JJ. “And Jam the grey and white one. They’re so cute.”
Chase gives a sudden gasp, drawing everyone’s attention to him in a flash. His hand rises to cover his mouth.
“Chase?” asks Henrik. “What is it?”
Chase’s alarm crinkles into mirth at the sides of his eyes. His chest starts to shake in a giggle.
“I’ve just realized something,” he says.
“What?” asks Marvin.
“Well.” He clears his throat. “Noodle has been running around unchecked out here for a couple weeks now…”
“And?”
“And he’s not neutered.”
Everyone looks at Noodle. He rumbles innocently back at them.
“Kittens!” cries Marvin.
“No,” laughs Henrik. “We need to get him neutered right away, why did we never - ?”
“Well, he’s an indoor cat, he never - ”
“No, I want kittens, I want kittens so bad!”
They’re all just laughing like wild, like it’s the funniest thing they’ve ever heard. Kittens and new cats and Marvin so lit up in delight - they’re laughing like everything is good in the world.
“Hey! Anybody home?”
“Jackie!” cries Marvin. “You’re back! Look at this!”
He’s racing back towards the house with a cat in his arms, and Jackie is there in the doorway, flushed with color, in a clean red hoodie, beaming at them in the sunlight. Noodle reaches out to lick Jam’s face and Henrik snatches her away, scolding him, while his brothers are already looking back through the names you sent them to pick what they might, one day, name kittens.
nikkilbook asked:
Hey Jackie—if you haven’t quite finished riding off into the sunset with your Prince Charming, one last suggestion. You said you wanted to watch more movies. When you have a second, I want you to sit down with your man and a bunch of gigantic peanut butter cookies or some shiz and watch every episode of LOKI, just back to back. Heck, you’ve probably got more than one season by now, so watch those too. Then go out and buy all the Loki-centric comics starting from the aftermath of SEIGE in what, 2010? and going until at least the end of AGENT OF ASGARD in 2015. Feel free to get others, too. Most importantly, read the author’s note in the back of the first issue of AOA, and remember, from me to you: everything you have done, everything you have survived, has been for yourself. Because yourself, Jackie, the self you were before and the self that you became in the fires and the self that you built from ashes and love, is a self absolutely worth fighting for.
Oh, and Max? We haven’t had the chance to talk up til this point, but I wanted to tell you this: you have my blessing to marry my son. ;) I wish both of you unending peace.
“Loki, huh?” asks Jackie, grinning at you from the doorway of his home, the wind playing with his hair. “Yeah, I think we’ll have time for that. We have time for everything now, don’t we? Loki, sure - anything for you.”
He looks back at Max inside the house. Their eyes meet and a whole world of something passes between them. Max retreats to the kitchen with a box of presents in his arms, giving Jackie some time to say hello.
He’s right, after all. They have all the time in the world.
Jackie stands in the doorway alone, watching his brothers come towards him.
“It was well worth the fight,” he says. “I was well worth the fight.”
badlypostedeverything asked:
Its been a while since i checked in with you all. We're all proud of you.
“Oh, so this is what happens when I leave for a few days?” asks Jackie, shaking his head as Marvin rushes towards him. “You get cats to fill the absence.”
Marvin throws his free arm around Jackie’s neck, setting his head down on his brother’s shoulder for a long moment. Peanut sniffs curiously at him, looking up at him with those ridiculous blue eyes.
“I missed you,” says Marvin. “Was it a good time?”
Jackie squeezes him in return, breathing in the familiar smell of him. The flower and flame smell never left him, not even when Anti stripped the magic from him. They used to lie close together and try to survive together on nothing more but the warmth the other gave off. He’s still warm to the touch now.
“Yeah,” he says. “Very good.”
Their younger brothers are approaching from the trees. Jackie fills his eyes with the sight of them. Days he’s been away, but here they are, playing in the sun and walking close to each other, like nothing ever separated the three of them.
The camera draws his fond gaze and he straightens up, smiling.
“Thank you,” he says. “I’m proud of us too.”
“Jackie!” Chase runs forward to hug him too, and of course Henrik comes right with him, holding the second cat up to Jackie’s face. Jackie knocks their heads together and scratches under the cat’s chin.
“What have you been talking about for the cameras to be proud of us?” Jackie asks Marvin, touching his hand as Chase and Henrik continue to chatter about the cats.
“Nothing,” replies Marvin. “Just… being happy. And saying goodbye.”
Jackie hums and hugs him again, pressing their heads together. Peanut squirms free of their arms and Jam follows suit, and the girls weave towards each other, knocking their heads and purring like mad, their white tails curling around each other, and close their eyes.
scunneredzombie asked:
Taking care of you guys has been my main goal for a long, long time now. It fills me with so much joy to see you free enough that you don't need our watching eye anymore. Thank you for letting us free you, but most of all thank you for freeing yourselves. I'll miss you all, but I know you have so much happiness ahead! Jackieboyman, Marvin the Magnificent, Chase Brody, Henrik von Schneeplestein, Jameson Jackson... Your lives will be beautiful!
“Oh,” says Chase, peeking over at the camera. “That’s a lot of taking care of us. Now you just have to make sure your main goal is taking care of yourself.”
He smiles at you, tugging at the brim of his hat, flipped around backwards.
“If we see you guys less going forward, we still won’t forget. You did a lot for us. I’m glad I’ve had a friend on the days where I felt like I was all alone.”
One of his brothers calls for him and he turns to look back, to look at his family gathered around him. Marvin and Jackie and JJ and Henrik.
“Yeah,” he says contentedly. “I think you’re right. I think everything is going to be just beautiful.”
Anonymous asked:
Healing will come for each one of you ❣️ Safety is imminent
“Safety is a cat in your arms,” says Marvin, kissing Jam’s head and squeezing her to his chest.
“Marvin,” scolds Henrik. “She’s filthy!”
Marvin laughs, just because it’s good to hear Henrik reprimand him.
“Who cares?” he says. “She’s mine.”
Healing feels very close indeed when your brothers are around you and there are cats to cuddle with. He knows, by now, that even on his own he is whole and complete, but we discover ourselves in the way we love others, and he is finding himself again these days. In his brothers, in his friends…
“In a little white cat,” he whispers. “I can see the self that Anti tried to take from me. He really thought he could kill me on that beach. He really thought he could string my cats up and wipe all of me out of existence forever.”
He kisses Jam again.
“What a fool.”
Here in his home, in his forest, with his family, he is very much alive.
Anonymous asked:
Dapper, Trickshot, Doctor, Red, and Blue. Names you never have to be addressed by again, identities you should never have had to take on in the first place. I'm glad you all were able to rediscover yourselves as Jameson, Chase, Schneep, Jackie, and Marvin. A little worse for wear maybe, but still you all the same.
Henrik chuckles to himself, running his gaze over the heavy scarring down his arms and hands. “A little worse for wear, huh?”
He bows his head for a moment, pushing his glasses up on his nose. He was lost for a long time. It seemed to him that he would never escape the cage Anti trapped him in, even after he was gone.
“I am a little worse for wear,” he says. “Some days my body hurts, and some days I get stuck in this head of mine again. But I would not take it back. This was the price of the fight I fought for myself. My reward…”
Jameson, Chase, Jackie, Marvin. In bloom. Henrik smiles. His teeth are crooked. His eyes are very blue.
“My reward has been most worthwhile. And I expect it shall continue to be, for as long as I continue to breathe.”
nikkilbook asked:
Jackie, Jackie, Jackie Jackie Jackie—you did it. You found yourself, you found the boy in the red hood again. You’re not wearing a mask anymore, you’re you. Everyone knows I’m horribly biased—it’s no secret who my favorite is. I couldn’t always be here, but do you know why I kept coming back, even when I didn’t know exactly what was happening? You were hurting, and you were trying, and you were breaking, and then trying again. It echoed something in me, and watching you work toward your happy ending, watching you GET your happy ending and knowing there would be more happy beginnings, middles, and endings for the rest of your lives even if I’m not there to see it, and most of all getting to help you, message by message, however much it was worth to you—it put another brick in the little house I’m building inside me, the one that reminds me that I’m going to get a happy ending to. Every moment of sunshine I got to help make or watch was a reassurance that I’m going to be okay too.
Here’s to another happy beginning, my Jackieboy. Good luck, and thank you. From your friend.
—
[to bee:] (And thank YOU most of all, my dearest friend. May all your stories have happy endings, too)
“Hey, come on now,” chuckles Jackie, wrapping an arm around Max’s waist as he returns to him. “That’s too sweet, haha.”
“It’s true, though,” says Max, reaching up to wipe a fallen eyelash from Jackie’s cheek, his fingers brushing through his beard. “Getting to help you is a privilege.”
Jackie’s expression softens and reddens. “Max.”
“You are a very strong person,” says Max.
“I wouldn’t have gotten here alone.”
“That doesn’t make you weak.”
Jackie’s eyes crinkle. He looks at Max, and then at you, and in the light through the windows of the home, he is lit up in gold and red, and his future stretches before him like a road already glowing at his feet.
“You are going to get a happy ending,” Jackie tells you, shy and earnest. “Because it turns out, even someone like me deserves one. And even when things are so bad you can’t for the life of you see the way out - well, the future comes anyway, and the past always becomes the past, and you feel yourself breathe again. Without even meaning to, sometimes. A breath in - a breath out. Still alive. Still moving forward. It never becomes perfect. But peace is… attainable. What a revolutionary concept to that person chained to Anti’s side, hungry and hurting. He never would have believed it. It is my deep privilege to know that that person is a part of me - that he survived, and kept breathing… and now he gets to be happy.
"Thank you for keeping him company. For giving him hope. He would not have made it without you.”
Anonymous asked:
I can't express just how much strength and resilience you've all shown getting through all of this. And just how much trust you managed to put in us as well, just strangers who were supposed to observe. There were times when your obstacles seemed impossible to deal with and yet you all made it through to today, happy and together. You've all been through hell and back so I hope you know you all deserve the little piece of heaven you're building with each other here
“Please, strangers?” laughs Henrik. “You are not strangers. You were there with us for… for all year, maybe! You think I do not remember each one of you? Think I cannot tell your styles apart, the kind of questions you ask, think I do not know you all by wording and punctuation and interests? I am a genius, right? You are not strangers. You are company when I would otherwise have been all alone in the world.”
“Honestly,” says Chase, flopping onto the couch beside his twin. “I hope that that’s the fucking lesson, if there is one. You can go through the worst shit and still come out of it not just alive, but… happy.”
He and Henrik exchange looks, their hands brushing on the couch. Whole books in the way they look at each other. Whole stories they will never forget.
“I tried killing myself more than once,” says Chase softly. “Because at the time, it was a certainty to me - an absolute certainty - that things would never get better. There was nothing you could have said to convince me that they would. It wasn’t about hope at that point. Just survival. And I survived until you helped me hope again… and then live again.”
Henrik squeezes his fingers.
Yes, novels and books between their gazes, and you, my friends, are the ones who have born witness to it.
“Yes,” calls Marvin, clapping his hands together. “That’s what we should do, enjoy ourselves. The fridge is full! Let’s have food, all we can eat. And we’ll play games or play football in the yard or watch a show or something. We have found our lost cats, and Jackie is here with our brother-in-law, and everything is good in the world: let’s have a party.”
Anonymous asked:
It's funny, Jameson, you used to refer to your brothers as ghosts. Do the ghosts of Dapper, Red, Blue, Trick, & Dok haunt you now? I hope for your sake that you only see the living now, after all this time.
Jameson breathes out a slow breath.
Warm air through his hair, across his skin. His clothes are clean, just a little grass-stained at the knees. Clear blue eyes, soft hair, long eyelashes.
Do you remember the boy hidden in the basement? Drawing charcoal pictures into the walls, tied by his throat?
Jameson looks down at his hands.
He pulls the silver clock from his pocket, gripping in his hand this present from Jack, this deep power always thrumming through him.
His brothers are talking and laughing in the kitchen. Jackie and Max wrap together like two sides of the sea, all lovey-dovey eyes and lingering glances, while Henrik and Chase and Marvin all work in tandem, joking and cooking and playing with the cats.
Jameson closes his eyes.
Just for a moment, you see:
Red reappears in the hallway, his eyes dark. He steps slowly towards Blue. His twin, realizing his mistake, falls deathly silent, sinking back against the counter, until Red is standing nearly chest-to-chest with him, staring down.
Blue swallows, looking anywhere but at Red.
“Don’t,” whispers Red. “Bother your master.”
Blue chews on his lip, his eyes flashing.
“Am I understood?”
“Yes, Red.”
Red pauses just a second longer before turning to limp back towards his room, that chain heavy around his ankle. Blue swallows again and again, blinking rapidly.
And Jameson is watching all this. In his mind, he can see it whenever he wants. Blue turns away from Red. Red slinks back to his room. He curls in on himself like a dog broken into submission, silent and miserable, and Blue bites back on tears in the kitchen.
Jameson slides towards that past version of his brothers, still so present to him despite everything. He places a hand on Blue’s shoulder.
His brother turns to him quickly, startled.
“Darling,” he gasps, touching JJ’s face. “You better get back to Anti before you get in trouble.”
Jameson pauses, staring at him.
He wraps his arms around Blue’s neck.
After a second, Blue’s arms return to circle around him.
It’s going to be okay, Jameson tries to tell him with his hands at his back. I know it doesn’t feel that way now, but it will.
And for a moment, you see:
Dok stares down at the hand wrapped around his bruised wrist, his heart thudding hard in his chest. Slowly, he turns to his twin. Trick’s eyes are blue flames.
“My love,” says Henrik. “It is time you start making choices about the man you are becoming.”
“Don’t go,” says Trick. “This isn’t about morality. This isn’t about me. He will hurt you again.”
Trick cannot look him in the eyes. Something in Henrik’s chest is oozing hurt. Crimson as the sun when the trees are burning.
“There’s a future where you don’t have to hurt each other anymore,” JJ tries to tell them, looking at that canyon between them. “You can still save each other. Don’t give up.”
They whisper words between each other and pull apart. Misery in Dok’s face. Fatal resignation in Trick’s.
Just ghosts, struggling across the earth.
And for a moment, you see:
He sits back against the headboard, chewing on the nail of his thumb, distressed.
“Then again, there are nice parts to resetting your head… to make the pain fade away into the background…”
He breathes out deep.
“To free the person you were from the sin of the man you’ve become… To be Carver, not… J… to forget what used to make you happy, so you can stop hoping for it, and live misery more peacefully…”
Dapper stares out the window. The northern lights are breathing through the sky, and he quiets, watching them, forgetting what he was talking about.
“And then Anti loves you better,” he adds softly, his hand on his brother’s head. “So… what else matters?”
Jameson stares at the old person of himself.
He stares at his own ghost.
Steps towards him in the silver river of his power.
Breathes.
Dapper looks up at him, blinking. The rope lies around him, binding him, chaining his throat. He shakes his head at Jameson, confused, in the basement of a house in Norway.
“What are you doing here?” he asks. “You’re dead. We’re dead.”
“Do I look dead to you?” asks Jameson.
Dapper just stares at him. His eyes are hollow.
“There’s no life for us now. We are… a gravestone.”
Jameson kneels down in front of him. Reaches out to touch his chalk-stained cheek.
“One day,” he says. “You will breathe again. There are still things worth having. Still freedom. Still a world beyond Anti.”
Dapper’s eyes burn and water. He shakes his head at Jameson.
“No. No… it’s not true.”
“It is,” Jameson insists. “I am true. There is life still. No more isolation. No more despair.”
“No more despair,” Dapper signs back, a whisper of a movement, disbelieving as an unfamiliar prayer. “No more despair.”
“Dapper?”
Jameson turns.
In the doorway of the room, Anti looks back at him, surprised.
“What’s going on? You’re using your power. Stop that. Come here.”
And if JJ wanted to, he could.
He could fall into his arms one more time. He could kiss his face. He could let you speak to him. He could fall back to that boy with the rope around his neck in an instant.
But he doesn’t. He won’t.
“You’re dead,” he signs, and he lets his power go.
The sunlight burns lovingly down on him again. The roar of his brother’s voices and laughter returns in his ear. He is standing in the doorway, and no one seems to have noticed this short moment of recollection, this sudden return to things that are lost.
He looks around at his brothers.
His Chase. His Henrik. His Marvin. His Jackie.
It is time to leave the ghosts in the past.
“Jamie!” calls Jackie. “I missed you! Come here and give me a hug!”
“Jameson, hey, come taste this for me, see if you like it…”
“We need to pick out a movie! What should we watch, James?”
“Oh, look, haha, Peanuts wants some attention from you. Are you coming over here?”
Light and sound and warmth and brotherhood.
He looks back to the forest, just for a moment.
Anti is at rest beneath those stones in the woods. He will never haunt them again.
“Yes,” says Jameson, stepping towards his brothers, alive and aglow in the late summer sun. “Yes, I’m coming. I’m here.”
No more haunting. No more isolation. No more despair.
“I’m here.”
End Chapter Five: Resurrection
.
Dear Madeleine, Em, Ghost, Tristan, Noah, Crystal, Dino, Arthyr, Cookie, Jamie, Ari, Luigi, Carpe, Mae, Tiri, Leo, Rose, Nikki, JJ, Pat, and all my silent, secret readers…
I hope you know that I have no irritation for anyone who only read part-way through this story. Not only is it wildly, ridiculously long, spanning years and hundreds of thousands of words, but I struggled through many parts of this last section, and I think there was more than one time where my mental health, my situation, and my fear of ending this story that I love so much all impacted the quality of the writing.
That being said, I can tell you now: you all hold a special place in my little writer heart for seeing this through to the end with me.
I could not have finished it without you. Your quiet support, your input, your passion, your encouragement, your art, your writing. You are my co-authors. Some of you have been here since the very fucking beginning, which blows me away. It’s unbelievable. I don’t know how to tell you how glad I am that we have shared this.
For anyone who has read this story at all over the years, even if you did not, for any reason, make it to the end, your help is no less appreciated and I still remember so many of you (Rei, Pixie, Cael, June, Catherine, Darki, Villains, Holly, BP, Amy, Autumn, and too many more for me to even start listing without being scared of leaving you out). You might be surprised how many of you I still associate with specific asks, comments, and art pieces. Thank you.
Our characters fought for themselves and for each other. For their kids and their loved ones. For freedom and joy and the hope that they had to hold on to with blood-stained and tired hands. But there were so many times when your words and your presence and your genuine care and belief in them was the only thing they were clinging to that I can very safely tell you, my friends: they were also fighting for you. To prove to someone who believed in them all along that yes, yes, YES - I will be happy and well again one day.
I am thinking in particular of Tristan’s art piece where Marvin cries “are you happy to see me like this?” as he begins to be forced into the character of Blue. It was the very first chapter, some 800,000 words and a couple of years ago. He was in a lot of pain then. He lost himself. And now, he has found him again.
I hope now, that as you look at our dear characters, you can safely say that yes, you are, in fact, happy to see them like this.
Perhaps this last little thank you note to you is too serious, as there were a lot of times we were just having fun and some of those times are still my very favorites. But I do hope that, going forward, there might be a couple lessons you can take from these characters we shared: to know that you are worthy of love, not abuse, no matter what you have done, to fight for your own happiness even when it feels impossible, and to recognize that there is always hope for a better future.
You are very deserving of that love, that happiness, and that future.
Thank you for everything - for every time you lifted me up, for every time you showed compassion and encouragement to the very idea of someone in need of your help, for every second that you spent speaking to, depicting, or just reading about our characters. Thank you for writing this story with me.
-
If you have enjoyed MBC at all now or in the past, please consider contributing back by donating to your local charities, particularly those that benefit people like our characters: survivors of domestic violence, those with mental illnesses and/or disabilities, those living in poverty, and more. I thought about compiling a small list, but I’m guessing that many of you have ideas for places that you trust or are familiar with, like local food pantries or homeless shelters, or maybe next time you see someone like Jack doing a fundraiser for a charity or even just someone on the internet trying to find some help while in a tough spot, you could consider donating with the story in mind. Just thought I’d take a minute to try to direct all the love that you have helped put into this story towards a real world goal <3
I hope that reading about the characters in such tough situations will remind us to be compassionate and aware towards those in difficult situations, even if it is just a stranger having a hard day.
The brothers start to settle into their new house. Jackie finds someone he's been missing. Masterlist
Tws for abandonment issues, some self-hatred, and distress. Tws may not be completely exhaustive - keep in mind the heaviness of the fic and look out for yourself.
Thank you to @lehhoh7822 for taking the time to compile this book!
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Anonymous asked:
How is rebuilding the mirror house going? Do you think it can be made livable again?
“Okay, so this can be rewired.”
“Yeah.”
“So I can get wifi working again soon.”
“Really?”
“And electricity, you just need to replace the wires for a new oven and fridge.”
“And the house is - ”
“House is sturdy enough. Obviously the upstairs will need to be redone completely. It’s possible though. How did you create this, Marvin?”
“I think I just took a real house in a real forest somewhere and moved it into a mirror dimension,” laughs Marvin.
David shakes his head up at him, which only makes him laugh more. He offered to come by and check the place out after reminding Marvin that he was a carpenter, and now they’ve made a day of it: Stacy is in the yard with Chase and the kids, playing games, more of the Irish magicians have come with some food and housewarming gifts, and Marvin’s brothers are either exploring, mingling, or sitting in the back bedroom watching everything going on from the window because he shouldn’t be exerting himself too much with a knife wound in his shoulder.
“Thanks for your help,” says Marvin warmly.
“Just glad you’re back,” replies David, straightening up and towering over Marvin, a huge hand coming down to pat his shoulder. “I do hope you’ll feel up to taking charge again soon.”
“With your help, I’d love to,” replies Marvin. “I’ve already got some ideas for where we go from here.”
“I shudder to think.”
They laugh and move back towards the outside of the house, watching Hunter run past them with a shriek, his dad following after him and trying to snag him up into his arms. JJ is sitting out by the trees where they buried the cats the other day, shaking a stick for Noodle to leap up and try to grab. Henrik chats with Stacy and his niece. Some of Marvin’s magicians are dragging wood into a lonely old fire pit.
“Give us a flame, Marv!” someone calls, and he smiles and moves over to light the fire for them to have some s'mores.
It’s a beautiful evening and the wind is warm through the trees. Squirrels bound through the branches and crickets are chirping.
“Hell yeah, we can rebuild,” says Marvin. “Everything. All of it. Yes.”
Anonymous asked:
When this all started, we had no idea you'd come this far. Scared twins, black hoodies, blood and bandages, charcoal angels, falling down stairs, dark basements... Look at you all now. You're home. You're safe, loved, warm and fed and free. You've done it. Brothers, but not corrupted. I'm so proud of you.
Marvin feels a heavy, warm weight settle over his back, and he looks up to see Jackie draping himself over his shoulders, tired but grinning. Marvin chuckles and reaches out to guard the fire as Hunter comes sprinting towards it as fast as his little legs will carry him, only to be scooped up by Chase before he gets too close.
“Oh, you little monster!” cries Chase, blowing blubber kisses into his stomach. “You little trouble-maker!”
Hunter howls with laughter and kicks his legs. Izzy runs over for attention too, followed by Henrik, and Chase scoops her up as well.
“JJ, come here, then, love,” calls Marv. “Don’t be sitting all shy by the cats when we’re all here.”
Jameson sticks his tongue out at him, but then complies, coming to sit beside him and Jackie.
“Need some flowers out there for their little graves,” he says.
Marvin hums, turning to look at the overturned earth. He reaches down to steal JJ’s hand and points towards the graves, stretching their fingers out together.
“Right there?” he asks.
JJ grins and nods.
“What type would you like, my darling?”
JJ thinks for a moment, his head resting against Marvin’s knee. “Maybe… crocuses. And some white roses by the trees, just cause you always got me white roses. And tulips.”
“Tulips?”
“Yeah,” says JJ, nodding. “They’re perennials. They will grow back with every year that comes. Orange ones, maybe?”
“Orange tulips,” says Marvin, stretching out his hand. “For every year that comes.”
He pulls open seeds beneath the earth and flowers bloom up in sunlit bulbs and petals.
Chase is lying on his back with Izzy and Hunter on his stomach, pointing the kids towards Uncle Marvin’s little miracle. Jackie sits down beside Marvin, smiling as the flowers come up, and Henrik plops down between the four of them, closing his eyes as the wind runs through his hair.
“Scared twins,” he mumbles. “We used to hide by the window. Even afraid of Red and Dapper.”
“But we had each other at least,” says Chase, grinning. “And we got the rest of you back along the way.”
“My black hoodie!” laughs Jackie. “I forgot… what happened to it? I think it burned somewhere. Or I just preferred the ones from Marvin and Max.”
“I’m just glad I don’t have to be drawing charcoal angels and hiding my bruises all the time anymore,” says JJ. “I’m much better these days, aren’t I? Do I look better?”
“Yes,” they agree, almost all the same time, and it makes all of them laugh a little.
They all look better. Fatter and less pale, with soft, brushed hair and clean faces. Henrik has a pair of new glasses, unbroken and fitted to his face, and the last of his injuries have scarred over. The summer sun has brought Chase’s freckles out and Marvin’s hair is long enough for him to pull back now, still white as snow, though he could dye it if he wanted to. He’s rather attached to it now, though. To his scars. To his body. He looks like himself again, in his own eyes.
“Who wants s'mores?” sings Stacy, pulling open a bag of marshmallows, and the kids shriek and go racing up to get one. Chase laughs. He expects they’ll all have one here in a minute as well. Stuff their mouths with sticky sugar and chocolate and get graham cracker crumbs in their beards.
JJ has laid back to look up at the sunset. Henrik is humming to himself, relaxed before the flame. Marvin and Jackie sit side-by-side, resting together.
“It’s strange,” says Chase. “I guess I thought there would be a moment a few weeks in where I realized I was okay again, and normal and whole, and that everything that ever hurt me would be in the rearview mirror. But it’s quite day-by-day, huh? And we’ll never be quite the same. I still got so fucking much to work on with myself.”
“We all do,” says Marvin, setting his head down on Jackie’s shoulder. “Don’t we?”
“I’m still a wreck,” agrees Jackie, and they probably shouldn’t laugh, but they do, Jackie included.
“No, I’m a lot better,” he recants. “But… yeah.”
“Although, in all honesty,” says Henrik, shrugging. “I think that I could stay like this, yes? I want to keep moving forward, healing, improving. But for the first time in so long, we get to have some peace too. Really, what else could I have asked for but this?”
He remembers scared twins, black hoodies, blood and bandages, charcoal angels, falling down stairs, and dark basements. He remembers Dok.
He wonders how that past self of his would react, but after a moment, he realizes he’s right: Dok would never have asked for anything but this.
“It makes me kind of scared,” Jackie says, frowning around at them.
“Oh?” asks Henrik, who had just been feeling particularly content. “Why?”
“Where do we go next?” asks Jackie. “Where do I go next? What if I mess this all up?”
scunneredzombie asked:
Ey Marv, might be a good time to drop hints at that war against the British, hm? As for the others, Jackie I'd say keep going to therapy, buy some stim toys, and work on co-dependence. Trick, spend time with your kids, get a job, maybe get Tinder, and work on things with Dok, you guys have a lot to untangle. Henrik, maybe go back to med school! Who knows what you could be with even more fire for that genius brain. JJ, you could go to school too, or get a job caring for animals, maybe sell art commissions! There's so many possibilities for you now, it makes me dizzy!
“Oooh, I’m going to get Tinder!” giggles Chase, rolling onto his side. “I’m going out on all the dates, the stranger the girl, the better.”
“Absolutely you are not,” warns Jackie.
“Yeah, I am, I’m going to be such a whore, watch me.”
Marvin chokes on a laugh. Jackie shakes his head at his brother. “After what happened last week, you’re not going on a first date ever again without big brother there.”
“Nuh-uh, Jackie, then the girls will fall in love with you instead.”
Jackie blinks. “I’m so strangely flattered. What, you think I’m handsomer?”
“You have more muscle on you than I do,” mourns Chase. “I’m a skinny guy, look.”
“You could start working out with me.”
“Ugh, not worth it.”
“You’re not going on dates with anyone,” Marvin scolds Jackie. “What did they just say about co-dependence?”
“I did not even freak out when I heard, though,” whines Jackie, who had only narrowly avoided a violent rage when he was told about Jenna. “I am better. I let JJ go to that Theo guy’s house all on his own and I did not even text him more than twice. And when Henrik went to synagogue I was so good.”
“You do need something to distract you more, though,” sighs Marvin, patting at his hood. “I just worry about you. You still think you’re the big protector.”
“I am,” protests Jackie weakly. “I always will be.”
“I just want you to be able to be okay on your own, darling.”
“Why? Where are you going?”
“Nowhere, Jackie, just - ” Marvin shakes his head. “Just want you to be able to have something outside of us.”
Jackie leans back, frowning, and refocuses on Henrik and JJ, who are talking about work.
“I was thinking more about it and there are some jobs I could do without having to see blood and things like that that might be interesting,” says Henrik. “Or go into a whole new field, go back to school. Is good idea. I guess there really is a lot I could do.”
JJ grins shyly at the ground. “Well, the lady who runs my support group also works in disability accommodation programs, and she said - well, it’s maybe silly.”
“What? Jameson, tell me.”
“She said there is a farm nearby hiring and the whole family speaks sign and has worked well with the accommodation groups before, so maybe I’ll go for that… they have sheep! And she talked about other options as well, lots of things I could do, like it wasn’t even a problem…”
They all descend into chattering about work, excited to see JJ talking about the things he might like to do, and halfway through Marvin breaks into a speech about how they’re going to start reforming the UK magical society so JJ can do whatever he wants there as well, and soon they’re talking about so many different possibilities and so many different dreams they all have for the future. Jackie sits in silence, his eyes fixed on JJ: after so long stuck in despair, he gets to see his little brother hoping for something again.
But his mind drifts back to his own predicament. It’s wonderful to see them all so excited, but he does feel there might be something missing in himself. Is he going to be the one who’s left behind, the one who will end up dependent on them all for the rest of his life? How funny, that he should be the one who thought of himself as the most strong and independent, and now he’s the one still clinging so closely to all of them.
As for Chase, his mind is already settled on his future career, and what he thinks of instead is his family. He watches the kids racing around and stuffing their faces with chocolate, laughing and playing tag with each other. Stacy gives them kisses when they come close and watches over them. And for all that he joked about Tinder, well… his mind does come back to her, and to the thought of having a partner again.
Anonymous asked:
Hey Jackie! After so much trauma, you really just want to start taking it slow. Maybe start looking into psychiatrists for yourselves and getting on some medications that can possibly help PTSD. You all definitely need a break before completely reentering society, but... maybe even look into getting supplemental income from disability? Things will likely be rough for a while, and you might not feel like you're getting better, but i promise it'll hurt less someday.
Jackie is feeling strong enough to walk around a little today, and the fire and the noise begins to overwhelm him. He gets up and pads towards the forest, rubbing at his scalp and closing his eyes.
“I am scheduled to go see my therapist again,” he says, trying to be proud of it, because he knows it’s a good thing. “I will keep working hard. I hope the nightmares ease sometime soon, but they’ve shown no signs of stopping yet. And in my waking hours, I still get terrified - even just at random sometimes - that something bad is going to hurt them. I know it is the PTSD. But sometimes, even after all this, I still feel it isn’t quite real. Like I could wake up tomorrow and Anti would be there again. Maybe some medication, yeah. For the sleep, I suppose it could help…”
He shakes his head a little, staring at the ground. “Just sucks. I know how many times everyone has this conversation with me, again and again. But how am I supposed to let go of them when they’re all I’ve ever had?”
He squeezes his eyes shut. “Must listen to Marvin. He wants to help me find something to distract me more. Probably good. As for disability, I… I suppose I could. But I get so restless at home. I’m desperate for something to occupy me. Even work sounds so unappealing. There’s a part of me just wants to go back to being a crazy vigilante again.”
His laughter shifts the leaves of the trees. He rubs at his face and smiles at the ground, tired.
“If I could find something that made me feel like it was worth having some space from them, that I think would be really good. That would be really something. Feeling excited enough and safe enough that I could say ‘hey, they’re fine, they can handle themselves for a little while ’ - yeah, might be good.”
scunneredzombie asked:
Jackie your future is so bright, Astrifer. You just have to find your niche. Before you were ever Anti's you helped Schneep at the hospital, you worked on cases with Max, you helped Marvin with magician bussiness. Your life has always been about other people. What do /you/ like doing? There's endless options, as panic-inducing as that is... You might consider a form of public service, like volunteer firefighting or working at soup kitchens! Maybe find some online support forums for other autistic people so you can feel more accepted in that area. Making friends would be good for you! Go on walks, get coffee, work out, read books, paint, dance, sing, etc. Point being, you need to find things that belong only to yourself. What does Jackie like?
Jackie chuckles, perking up a little again. “Guess there is a lot.”
He toes patterns into the dirt beneath his feet, thinking to himself.
“Yeah, maybe I’ve just been so stuck inside my head for so long,” he supposes. “Like even just being allowed to run again felt like such a fucking blessing when it happened. That’s been the worst part of being injured, not being able to run. I think that Anti worked so damn hard to beat all the interests and enthusiasm out of me cause he found me so annoying. But I did used to love a lot of things. Maybe I just need to try more shit out, you know? Meet people again. Try volunteering and books and crafts and that sort of thing. I need more hobbies and interests again. Stim toys was a good idea as well, and just… maybe I just been hiding us all from the world cause it was so scary for so long.”
He laughs again, shaking his head. “I’m going to mooch off my little brothers is what I’ll do. They’re all being brave trying new things again. Maybe I’ll just tail along with all of them until I find something I like again, haha.”
There’s a pause before his voice continues, more serious.
“I think I was projecting onto JJ a little with all that stuff about finding it hard to see him as an adult. It was my own ableism and my own trauma. But he’s trying new stuff again and it’s going well. He carves out his own place for himself. I gotta be an adult like him as well. People aren’t going to punish me just for existing. Hell, if they try, I’d just have to keep going anyway.”
He turns about, looking back to the little group around the fire.
“Look at them,” he says, voice full of something that goes beyond warmth. “My family. If those little shits all think I’m worth loving… there’s something there.”
He bites his lip and looks back to tease you.
“And if you little shits all think I have a bright future… well, maybe there’s something there as well.”
Anonymous asked:
Are you a visual stimmer? Maybe looking into museums, especially kids museums would be a good idea! Theres always so much to do and look at and get excited for because theres museums for everything, and kids museums often have a lot of visually stimmy things!!
“Museums,” he muses. “Mh, yeah, I even love just coloring JJ’s art. And I did love when Marvin put on a movie for me, back when we were staying with Dark a couple days. Max, too, he… he knew I really loved movies. We ought to go hit a museum and see a movie as well, maybe. Although, I suppose I’m sort of… waiting for him.”
He plays with his fingers, solemn again. “I’d like to take him for a movie.”
There’s a pause.
“Robbed a museum once!” he continues cheerfully. “Very smooth operation, actually. Last time I was in one. Anti needed a knife.”
“Jackie.”
He lifts his head to see Stacy coming towards him. His posture stiffens a bit, but he doesn’t quite snarl at her like he’s done in the past. A couple weeks without her causing Chase any harm has done wonders for their relationship.
“Hi,” he says.
She gives him this small smile he recognizes by now.
“You called him?” he asks.
“He called me,” she says.
“Really? But that’s good, isn’t it? If he’s reaching out?”
“I think he was drunk,” she admits, stepping closer to him.
Jackie’s mouth tightens. He looks away. “Sad drunk?”
“Sad drunk.”
He goes back to patterns in the dark, eyes low.
“Jackie,” says Stacy. “All he talks about is losing you. He misses you like crazy.”
“He won’t believe us, though,” says Jackie softly. “That Anti’s gone. He even thinks you might be Anti. And the kids, too. No convincing him.”
“He had to lose you to him twice in a row, Jackie. And shit, I was hunted by that freak just for being Chase’s ex. Some of your brothers did lose people they loved because of him. You can’t blame Max, Jackie.”
“I don’t.” He laughs without humor. “Blame myself.”
“Well, it’s not his fault either,” Stacy replies crossly. “It’s Anti’s and no one else’s.”
Jackie doesn’t reply. They stand beneath the trees, quiet for a moment.
“Look,” she says. “He’s tearing himself apart over this. You have to stop it.”
“What can I do?”
“If you can’t convince him to come see you, then… you need to cut him loose.”
Jackie finally looks up at her, eyes burning. He shakes his head and turns away again, bitter.
Anonymous asked:
Max isn't the end-all-be-all of your ability to love. I know you missed him, and I know how much you love him, but Jackie sometimes when you love things you have to let them free and wait for them to come back to you. Your heart isn't owned by anyone, anyone at all. If you end up having to cut him off, give yourself some time for sure, but you can love again. You can find a new reason to live.
Jackie wipes at his face, not willing to look around again. Eventually, Stacy takes this as him being uncomfortable with her there, and she leaves him with some soft words, heading back towards the fire.
But Jackie doesn’t talk to you either. He swipes at his eyes and leans against a tree, hugging his arms around himself, cold now.
He learned to be selfless for the others a long time ago, even if he is clinging now. Thinking about Max, though, thinking about not even being able to see Max, to touch him one more time, to tell him ‘look, look, you were right! You saved me, I’m so glad you opened my eyes up again!’ - it makes him want to start screaming. Full-bodied tantrum. It makes him want to be selfish.
“He was going to be my husband,” he whispers finally. “He was supposed to own my heart.”
Fuck it, no, that’s not enough. He won’t even wait. He can’t. The restlessness is in him now, and the want, and the selfishness, fuck. Fuck it. He’s turning back and stalking back towards the fire, panting.
“Jackie? You good?” calls Marvin.
“Yeah,” Jackie calls back distantly. “Yeah, just. Just one thing I need to do.”
Anonymous asked:
If its healthy for you, maybe separation is a good idea. Sometimes it is “right person, wrong time” but… dont give up immediately
“Don’t give up immediately. Don’t give up. Don’t give up.”
His eyes flash to you. Away again. He moves back to his room and snatches their one phone - this one fucking phone, this one fucking line of communication - up off the dresser and dials Max’s number without hesitation. The bare ring makes his heart beat hard against the inside of his ribs. He looks at you again and then away. Again and then away. Not immediately. Not yet. Not ready to give up on him.
It rings for longer than it did the first time he called, but even now he doesn’t care. He’ll leave him a message if he has to.
The phone picks up.
Max doesn’t say anything.
Jackie sinks down onto his bed. He covers his mouth and closes his eyes.
“I can’t,” begins Max.
“No,” says Jackie roughly. “No, shut the fuck up. Sorry. Just. Shut up. One call, okay? Can I have one call to you?”
Max doesn’t say anything. But he doesn’t hang up either.
Anonymous asked:
Be selfish Jackie. Max and you are each other's hearts, he bought rings when he was leaving Peru. Don't give up on him, even if it is only one more meeting just to thank him. Anti was... sort of right about him being a unfinished loose-end. Even now he's a tricky knot. I think it would be good for both of you to see each other, to know how this part of the story ends.
“Can - can I say something selfish to you?” asks Jackie in an exhale. “No, don’t answer, I think I will. I will. You can hang up if you need to, Max, and I wouldn’t mind. You know there’s nothing in the world you could ever do to make me hate you. A motherfucking demon got his hands on me and twisted my head and shredded me into pieces and that still didn’t make me stop loving you, so I expect there’s nothing in the fucking world that could make me stop loving you now.”
A faint laugh, faraway. Jackie wonders if Max might be drunk again.
“You want this to stop?” asks Jackie. “You want this ghost to stop haunting you?”
A pause. A breath. “No,” whispers Max. “What would I do without the ghost of you?”
“Then fucking listen to me for ten minutes, you stubborn asshole. You must be damn clever to stay the hell away from me and I’ll have you know you’re a lot stronger than me too, because my dumb ass would have jumped into Anti’s traps a dozen times in a row just trying to find you on a hope and a prayer. That’s how I got caught in the first place, just leaping at the first clue I got trying to find Jameson. Running head-first into danger. You are smarter than me, baby, and it’s what’s kept you alive, so thank fuck for that. But you’re still haunted by me, because your heart’s just as fucking tied in knots around me as mine is around you, right?”
He thinks Max is crying.
“I fucking… I fucking hate this,” he says. “You jackass, fucking… This is hell, this is torture.”
Jackie shakes his head and grits his teeth, tears welling up in his eyes. “I’m not done talking.”
“Say something to make it better, then,” screams Max, breaking in half a hundred miles away. “Stop it, you and Stacy, you’re just taunting me, it’s just Anti!”
“And what if it is?” Jackie demands. “Who gives a fuck? I fucking need you here. You think I don’t know that I’ve broken your heart a hundred times over? You think I don’t know just how easily this could be Anti calling you? But I’m a selfish fucking bastard, Max. I could be leading you into a trap, and you know something? I would still do it even if Anti WERE here. Because I need to see you. My Tiger. Fuck, I - I need to… if I can’t have you back, I just need to touch you one more time, Max, I just need…”
Tears down Jackie’s face. He closes his eyes and listens to Max breathe, shaky, desperate breaths.
“Max,” he whispers. “Come here to me. You think that Anti’s here, that he’s going to kill you if you come. Come anyway. I need to touch you one more time. I’d really prefer to die with your ring on my finger. And then we can both rest. And you don’t have to be haunted by me anymore.”
There is a faint laugh. Closer now.
“Cause we’ll be ghosts together?” whispers Max.
And Jackie thinks to himself, no. We’re going to live to be old men and I will spend every day that comes trying to make you happy. Like nothing else matters. Nothing will haunt you again. I will chase the ghosts away.
“Yes,” he says. “You and me - we’re going to be ghosts together. Then there won’t be anything in the cosmos that can take me from your side again.”
“Jackie,” whispers Max.
“I’m here,” Jackie answers. “Max. It’s me. I’m here. Please come. I need to tell you I love you one more time.”
I need to make your pain stop.
A long pause.
A long breath.
Max’s voice steadies.
“Where are you?”
.
Anonymous asked:
I wonder if Max remembers the password to the mirror. He could see you all so happy and gaining your health back, all of you free like this.
“I’d trust him with the password,” says Jackie quietly. “He could stay with us if he wanted. We don’t have to be apart. If he could just see that we’re all okay… I can at least give him that much peace of mind. Even if it still doesn’t make him want me again.”
He chews at his nails, sitting on the stairs outside their apartment. The door’s open behind him and he can hear his brothers moving around as they carry their things into the house in the woods. They don’t have a lot, but Marvin says it will be good for them.
Jackie will stay in the apartment with his nightmares. He doesn’t want to wake them up.
“Noodle, no!” someone calls, and then there’s laughter as something comes crashing down inside the apartment. He listens to their chatter as if from far away.
He’s waiting for Max. He thought he would come today, but it’s getting late now and Max won’t answer his calls or texts. It’s been twenty-four hours since he called. He thinks maybe he changed his mind.
Anonymous asked:
I doubt he's changed his mind, that man loves you so much he sees your ghost, his soul can't give you up.
“Aww,” says Jackie, almost whimpering. “You think he - ?”
The footsteps a couple stairways below stop him from continuing. He stops immediately, still as a bird about to strike out at a fish.
A faint laugh somewhere below him.
“I heard you go quiet,” says a soft voice.
He gets to his feet, heart racing.
“Should I come down?” he asks after a moment.
“I don’t know,” says Max, his voice a little weak. “Is it really going to be you?”
“Yes,” he says, swinging around the bend of the stairs.
Max looks up at him from a few meters down, and even from here, Jackie can see the clear gold in his dark eyes.
The man in the tan coat who came with a steady hand to pull him out of trouble is not the way that Jackie remembers him. Max wears a t-shirt and work boots against his jeans, looking up at Jackie with glasses shoved over his worn face. He looks older. But still attractive to Jackie in a way no one else has ever been. Still beautiful. Still perfect.
“Hi, Tiger,” he says.
“Hi, Juice Box,” Max replies, very frail. “Come down here to me, okay? I’m scared to come up.”
Jackie races down the stairs towards him, nearly hurting himself all over again with the way it pulls at his stitches. But who cares?
Max.
Anonymous asked:
The world isn’t ending for either of you yet, but you better hug it out like it is. I think you both need it.
Jackie leaps down the stairs towards him, hearing a giggle burst out of his mouth. His heart beats so hard it hurts, and the stairs just disappear beneath him, until he’s -
“Jackie, Jackie,” Max sobs.
He’s in his arms again.
He’s in his arms again!
Jackie shouts and tries to lift him off the ground for a second before remembering the knife wound in his shoulder. He’ll have to settle for squishing him so fucking hard he’s sure he’s going to crack something, backing him up against the wall in his eagerness and shoving against him. He can breathe him again. He smells the same.
“Max, Max, Max.”
He’s just chanting his name like he’s lost it, beaming into his shoulder. But after a second, his smile fades away again, because Max is crying so hard Jackie can feel him steadying himself against Jackie to keep from falling over.
“Max - ”
“No, no,” begs Max.
Jackie shuts his mouth again. Max grabs at him - at his clothes, at his hair. Jackie lets him. Squeezes him against his body and lets him do whatever he needs to do. But it hurts, now, in a way it didn’t over the phone: the reminder of how much pain he’s put him through.
“Just hold on to me, don’t go,” cries Max.
Jackie holds on to him. Jackie doesn’t let go.
Anonymous asked:
You better kiss your man so hard Jackie, show him you're real by giving some loving. I'm sure he's missed you just as much as you miss him!
Jackie draws back from him slightly, trying to find his eyes. Max hides, burying his face in Jackie’s hoodie, gripping at his clothes.
“I am real, Max,” he says earnestly. “I’m sorry. For everything, Max, I…”
Max shakes his head against him. Jackie touches his hair, trying to pull his gaze up, but Max won’t look at him.
He remembers how they met last time: running from law enforcement after Jackie broke into a pharmacy, injured and scared. How Max saved him. How calm he was, how gentle. How familiar and unfamiliar at the same time, a warm and terrifying deja vu. Max saved his life and then resuscitated him: picked him out of the mud and made his heart beat again.
“I’ll show you all of it,” Jackie tells him. “Max? Look at me, okay? My brothers are upstairs. We’re all okay! Anti’s not here - ”
“No,” moans Max. “No. Stay here.”
“If you want to just see the others, I’ll show you - ”
“I don’t care about the others!” screams Max, voice breaking down the middle. “You fucking asshole! I can’t believe you talked to me like that - you get to be selfish? You want to hear me be selfish? I don’t give a fuck about the others!”
Jackie squeezes his waist, pulling him close again. Max shakes hard.
“I just want you to be able to see that you don’t have to lose me again,” whispers Jackie. “I can show you all of us free.”
“It’s a lie, it’s a lie!” rasps Max, and now, when he clings to him, Jackie realizes Max is trying to pull him down the stairs. “Come with me, before he sees! We have to go now or I’ll lose you again.”
“Max, he’s not here. I swear it.”
“You made promises before,” groans Max. “You were supposed to come home with me, you were supposed to come back to me.”
“I couldn’t leave them.”
“I don’t care,” cries Max. “Fuck it, all of it. You picked them over me. That’s my selfish. Come with me, now, please, cause I can’t risk going back up those stairs and losing you all over again.”
Anonymous asked:
Max!!!
“That’s the cameras, those are his cameras!” says Max, voice rising in pitch. “He’s watching you, I told you - ”
“No, no, it’s just the people who were watching, not Anti anymore, just - ”
“He can make you believe whatever he wants! The fact that you even remembered me was - ”
“Was the only thing I asked for when I ran back to him,” cries Jackie, pinning Max’s frantic hands against the wall. “Was the only thing that mattered in the whole fucking world other than my siblings.”
Max stares at him, tears dripping down his face. His expression is contorted, flushed with crying and dark with exhaustion.
“Are you sleeping at all, love?” asks Jackie, touching his hair.
“No rest there,” answers Max. “Nothing but nightmares now.”
Jackie stares at him. Touches his cheek. His mouth.
“Tried moving on,” whispers Max. “Tried to give you up. Are you angry at me?”
“No,” answers Jackie. “What else were you supposed to do?”
“I should have chased after you again,” says Max, pushing off the wall to touch Jackie’s neck, his hand wrapping around the back of it. It makes Jackie’s hair rise up. “Even if he did kill me.”
“Max, no one could have saved me but me,” Jackie tells him. His free hand has found Max’s. They seem to wrap together by their own wills. “Not til I was ready to fight. And you… I would never have gotten there without you. None of this - Max, look at me - none of this has been your fault.”
Max stares at him. His eyes are so huge and so dark. Jackie stares back at him. He’s never had a problem with eye contact - if anything, he stares too much. But Max looks back at him.
“But I’m here now,” Jackie continues. “I am, really. Me.”
“You.”
“Yeah.”
Max breathes something out that might be his name. Jackie’s never heard it said quite like that before. Like a prayer.
Anonymous asked:
Max, if not Jackie, will you listen to us? We watched Marvin kill Anti. He's gone, and he's never coming back. And if not us, then who will you trust when they tell you they're free? Your paranoia is justified, but this time it's wrong. Jackie is telling the truth.
Max’s eyes flicker down to you and then away again, nervous.
“Anti’s not watching through them any more than he was the first time you found me,” chuckles Jackie. “I promise.”
“Marvin killed him?”
“Yeah.”
“And the rest of your brother’s names?”
Jackie pauses for a second before he realizes what Max is asking. “Chase, JJ, Schneep.”
Max blinks, his long eyelashes wet with tears. “It is more than you knew last time.”
He pulls a neat little packet of tissues out of his pocket and wipes at his face.
“Where’s your luggage?” asks Jackie belatedly, glancing around.
“Look, I got on a plane and that’s about all the planning I did,” replies Max roughly. “Just fucking walked here from the airport.”
Jackie smiles at him and presses him back against the wall again. He doesn’t honestly know what this dance they’re doing is - back and forth, back and forth, pushing at each other. He supposes it’s just good to have each other close again.
Something about Max makes Jackie’s chest light. He looks at him and feels like some sort of secret path in a video game was just revealed to him. Some sort of future he wouldn’t even dream of having otherwise.
“Tell me what happened,” Max orders.
“Yes, sir,” says Jackie, grinning at him. “Come upstairs and you can see everybody - ”
“No, no!” cries Max, the fear back in his voice again. “No, Jackie, don’t go!”
“Okay. Okay. Don’t be scared, a chuisle.”
Max’s face darkens. A faint smile plays at his mouth.
“I’m your chuisle?”
“Of course you are. A chuisle mo croi.”
He smiles wide and beautiful. Jackie grins back at him, leaning gently in to knock their heads together.
Max’s arms wrap around his neck.
And then they’re just giggling like teenagers in the fucking hallway of Jackie’s apartment building, pressed up against the wall together. Max hugs him. Jackie wraps around him again, his gloved hand rising to find Max’s pulse in his neck.
Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum.
The pulse of his heart.
Max is whispering something in a language Jackie doesn’t speak. The warmth of their bodies has melted together. Max strokes his hair. Max speaks to him, warm words in his ear.
“Am I real, a chuisle?” asks Jackie.
“Jackie,” whispers Max. “Jackie. Come away with me. When we’re far away, I’ll believe you. If you’re free to go then you’re free. Don’t go. Let’s go home again. I’m so tired, Jackie. I want to sleep beside you again. Or maybe just lie awake and look at you.”
Jackie’s going to cry. He’s going to cry and scream and laugh and kiss him.
“Well… Max, I can’t just, like, leave.”
“Why?” chokes Max. “You left me before. I know he was there, I know you had to protect the others. But if it’s true and you’re free now, you can go. You can come away with me.”
Max’s mouth at his chin. At his cheek. His nose against his nose. He smells good. The same way he smelled curled up with him in a hotel in Colombia, playing Dermot Kennedy on his shitty phone speakers.
“Jackie. Come home to me. That’s all I want. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. Meri jaan, meri Jackie. I’m still in love with you.”
Jackie feels the air fall out of him in a laugh, sweet and breathless. “Me?”
“You.”
“Max.”
Anonymous asked:
Max he's right, he can't just suddenly leave! He's still working on his co-dependency with his brothers, and they're moving back into the house in the mirror, if you remember it. They have plans and roots here now, Jackie can't leave with no way to get back. I know you don't care about the others right now, but he still does, that's his family.
“Oh, and I don’t?” asks Max, whirling on you. “I don’t have roots? I don’t have a home? I don’t have plans for my life?”
He turns back to Jackie, eyes burning again.
“You called me yesterday and told me to drop everything and come to you. You told me you needed me. So I came. Not for the first time, either. I chased you and your family for almost a year trying to find you. Put everything on hold for you and the others, Jackie. Ha, no, not even on hold, I let parts of my life crash and burn for you! And I don’t begrudge you that, I really don’t, and I love that you love your brothers. But you won’t put your life on hold for me? Not even once, not even now, when I’ve been in this much fucking pain for months? You won’t come stay with me? Just for a few fucking days, Jackie. Then I would know you were free and maybe I could have some goddamn peace for the first time in years now. Of course I’d help you get back if you wanted.”
“It’s not about my life, Max,” says Jackie earnestly, clutching his hand. “It’s about my family, I can’t just - ”
“Why not?”
Jackie looks at him blankly. “Why not what?”
“Why can’t you come home with me?”
“My siblings are upstairs,” says Jackie weakly.
“And they need you more than I do?” asks Max.
“Well - something could happen.”
Max face falls like he’s been hit. His mouth goes thin and stiff. His eyes drip. “Something could happen? Something could happen to them? Maybe? In the next few days? Could happen?”
“Max,” says Jackie.
Max pauses, breathes, composes himself. His eyes flutter shut and open again. But he steps back now. When Jackie reaches out, he doesn’t let him touch him.
“You’re not free,” he says, voice flat. “Even if Anti is dead, he’s still got a hold on you. Because even the thought that your brothers could need you in the next few days means more to you than the fact that I have needed you desperately for months and months now.”
“No,” says Jackie, trying to take him by the shoulders. “No, no, Max. I just - I need - I need you to come upstairs. Okay? Please?”
“I have work in a couple days,” says Max, with a dry, dead smile. “A therapy appointment, my nephew’s birthday. I’m not a side character in your story, Jackie. I’m supposed to be your partner. Or if you want to slow down and take some time, then I’m at least supposed to be your friend. But the truth is you’re never going to love anybody else as much as you love them. And I can’t keep breaking my heart watching you jump in front of trains for them while I get nothing but your free time and your side glances.”
Jackie stares at him, mouth open, but the words don’t come out.
“Do you not… do you not want to be with me anymore, Jackie? Do you not want to spend some time just with me? Do you not want to… to take care of me at all? And let me take care of you? You don’t want that?”
Jackie thinks he does want that, but - something could happen. Right? Something could happen! Doesn’t Max get that?
“Say something,” says Max, shaking his head at him. “If you don’t love me anymore, at least admit it. At least cut me free, Jackie. I swear to God you’re killing me.”
“Look, the cameras have a point about - ”
Max yanks the camera off Jackie’s lapel and throws you over the side of the apartment building, and that is your abrupt end to that conversation.
nikkilbook asked:
Yo, lads upstairs—can one of y’all grab like a bunch of Jackie’s clothes and things, throw it in a suitcase, and then all of you come downstairs? Max is here, and for both their sakes, I think Jackie needs to go with him. Jackie’s never going to be able to just grow out of his codependency—he going to need concrete, non-hypothetical proof that even if something does happen, you all can work through it like adults. He needs to go be something other than Big Brother, and he can’t do that around a bunch of Little Brothers, no matter how capable they may be.
“Oh?” says Marvin, perking up in the living room of the apartment. “What’s going on?”
The message is immediately passed around between the four of them, and before even thinking to comply Schneep and Chase are both hurrying out onto the balcony of the apartment and looking down the stairs.
“Oh! It is Max, that must be him!”
“Oooh, so handsome,” giggles Chase. “Yeah, Jackie, you can go have a vacation!”
Jackie and Max both look up. Jackie looks exasperated, but Max - Max looks terrified.
“No, Jackie, don’t go,” he cries, reaching out to grab his hoodie again. “Don’t go, please, I can’t - ”
“Max, I’m okay, I’m okay! I swear, I’m here, I’m right here…”
Schneep and Chase slink back guiltily. “Whoops.”
“What’s going on?” asks JJ. “I don’t get it.”
“I think Jackie’s friend is scared Anti is still here,” says Henrik. “He wants Jackie to come stay with him. Yeah?”
“Well, he could do that,” muses Marvin, peeking out over the ledge. “JJ, you said Max is trustworthy, right?”
JJ nods, although he doesn’t look quite as enthusiastic as Marvin.
“And if it would help, I would gladly pack him a bag,” chuckles Marvin. “But I think that needs to be Jackie’s choice.”
“Jackie doesn’t want to go with him?” asks Chase. “Why not? I thought they were kind of in love.”
Marvin shrugs. “I don’t know. He’s definitely always been very taken with him. But if he doesn’t want to go with him, well… he doesn’t want to go with him. I think it would be a bad choice, but it is Jackie’s to make.”
They hear crying and talking from down the stairs of the apartment. Max begs with Jackie. Jackie tries to reassure him. His voice is torn.
“I’ll tell you one thing,” says Chase, “if my kids hadn’t been able to come visit me for so long, you bet your ass I would have gone all the way to fucking Sweden to see them. I guess it’s not the same if he isn’t in love with Max. But that’s all I have to compare it to, and I’d go, even if I… even if maybe Schneep couldn’t come or something.”
Henrik grins at him. “I know. And that would be okay. But maybe Max is just asking too much of him. Jackie hasn’t been away from us in a long time.”
“Not wanting to go is a different issue than not being able to let us go,” says Marvin.
Jackie appears in the apartment a couple minutes later, looking pale.
“He’s just waiting for me downstairs,” he says. “I don’t know what to do.”
“What do you want to do?” asks Henrik.
Jackie’s mouth opens and closes. He looks down at the floor and doesn’t answer.
crystalninjaphoenix asked:
Jackie, I know something like this is hard. You're worried about everyone else, and how things will work without you. Not to mention this came out of nowhere. But... things will be okay. You have to trust your family, that they can handle things without you. And you need to figure out who you are when you're not around them. Same way Marvin did, when he left. Going with Max will be good for you. The others can contact you if there's an emergency. You need this. If you want it, of course.
Jackie looks around at them, his mouth dry. Maybe he does kind of want to go… but there’s so much that could happen! And if he wasn’t here…
Well, it would be bad! Somehow. He needs to be here. If JJ has a break, if Marvin becomes overwhelmed by his pain again, if Chase starts drinking, if Henrik goes numb.
But the last couple of weeks have been so good. Everyone’s been fine. He was the weak one, laid out in bed. And even when Chase got into trouble, he fought his way out and came home again, stronger for it.
“Maybe it just has been a little sudden,” he says shakily. “He doesn’t want to come upstairs. I thought it would be good if he did, but - ”
“Max is just scared!” says JJ with a sudden vehemence, and then, before Jackie can stop him, he’s racing out of the apartment and down the stairs.
Max turns to look at Jackie and starts so hard he actually puts his hand over his heart when he sees JJ instead.
“Jamie,” he gasps.
Jameson runs up to him and throws his arms around him in a full-bodied hug.
Max touches him back, and Jameson -
Jameson is still.
No more fear running our lives, he thinks to himself, tightening his grip on Max even though the touch seems to set his nerves alight.
He will be stronger and braver than the fear Anti left in him.
“Holy shit, you - you look so much healthier,” gasps Max, gripping at him. “Jameson, you’re - is he actually gone? Are you actually - ?”
Jamie grabs his hand and tugs him towards the stairs. “Come see!”
nikkilbook asked:
"If I could find something that made me feel like it was worth having some space from them, that I think would be really good. That would be really something. Feeling excited enough and safe enough that I could say 'hey, they're fine, they can handle themselves for a little while ' - yeah, might be good."
I think you know what you want, Jackie. And it’s okay to want it. It’s okay to need it.
“But - but I was just theorizing,” replies Jackie shakily. “I’m not there yet! I’m still… I’m still too scared, I - ”
Jamie is pulling Max up the stairs. Max looks like he might actually pass out, or maybe just decide to attack whichever one of them happens to look the most like Anti, but he does neither. He follows Jameson into the doorway of the apartment and looks around at them.
“Hi,” calls Chase shyly.
Max mumbles a curse under his breath, staring around at all of them. He looks around at the almost bare apartment and the small, scarred-up family inside like it’s the most unbelievable thing he’s ever laid eyes on.
In a second, it all seems to click in Jackie’s head, and he realizes he’s been exactly where Max is: so convinced that things won’t get better that when Max himself suddenly showed up out of the blue to help him and JJ out, all he wanted to do was scamper back to safety. That’s all Max wants to do: drag him back to safety, and never let him get hurt again. Of course Jackie understands. That’s his job.
And now Max wants to do that for him.
“Hi,” says Max, with tears in his eyes. “S-sorry, I know you don’t remember me, but - it’s really good to see you all! I just never thought I would again, I just - ”
His brothers take pity on Max, and Jackie covers his mouth with his hands as Marvin goes up to embrace him and Chase and Henrik bring Noodle over to comfort him. JJ looks back at Jackie, meeting his gaze, and Jackie recognizes this for what it is: his youngest brother, not only giving him permission to go, but asking him to respect the fact that the four of them, left alone, will be okay.
Asking him to recognize that other people want him to be happy just as much as he wants to make them happy.
“Sorry, I’ve just been so crazy,” Max is crying. “Since I got that first phone call and realized maybe he was alive after all, I’ve just been losing my mind, I just - I just wanted you to come home so I don’t have to be scared for you anymore, so I can know that you’re safe - ”
Jackie can’t stand watching him cry anymore. He rushes forward to cling to him again, pushing past his siblings to grasp him in his arms. And showing him the nice house in the woods doesn’t matter; proving to him how much progress they’ve all made doesn’t matter; even being the strong big brother again to tell Max that he’s okay stops mattering. Because that’s not what Max asked him for. Max just asked him to come home, and be safe with him.
“I’m sorry,” cries Max. “I shouldn’t have asked, I’ve just been so fucking broken without you, Jackie, and I was selfish - ”
Jackie shoves him against the wall, kissing the side of his head, clutching Max to him.
“You can be selfish, Max,” he says, voice shaking. “I’m sorry I didn’t say yes right away. That’s just my brokenness. But you make me want to be whole again.”
“No, no,” protests Max. “You wouldn’t be my Jackie if you didn’t love them with all your fucking heart, and I wouldn’t want you to be anyone else.”
There’s this little “aww!” from Chase and it makes Jackie laugh, loud and wild. He whirls on his brothers, tearing away from Max to grab Marvin and Henrik instead, the two closest to him.
“Is it okay if I go away for a while?” he sobs.
“Yes!” laughs Henrik, while Marvin cries “Jackie, don’t ask, just go!”
He turns back to Max and grabs his hand again. He never wants to not be touching him again.
“Did you mean it?” he asks. “That I can come stay with you?”
“Yes,” says Max. “Of course.”
“You really still love me?”
“You don’t remember,” says Max, eyes fixed on him and full of something deeper than canyons, and Jackie thinks fuck, this is it, this is what I burned like a star for that day in the forest, fighting to be free, this is it. “You don’t remember the day you asked me if maybe, just maybe, you’d want to get married - if maybe, just maybe, I might be in love with you - and I said yes, and promised I always would. But I do remember.”
“Part of me remembers,” says Jackie. “Part of me remembered in the very fucking moment you laid your eyes on me when I was nothing but broken remnants of myself, and you loved me anyway.”
“Broken remnants?” breathes Max. “In Colombia, when you were hurting? No. Nothing broken. Just my Jackie.”
“Always yours,” says Jackie, and yes, yes, yes.
All he wants to do is go home.
Max makes an enthusiastic effort to be friendly towards the others, but after about five minutes, it’s clear that he’s lost sight of anything but Jackie. He offers to get everybody dinner, but when he and Jackie can’t keep their hands off each other, they are dismissed to go for a walk to pick up take-out and bring it home for all of them. They all agree that fried rice and sweet and sour chicken is a pretty good price to pay for Jackie.
“But I will send for you to have your own phones and things like that,” he insists. “And beds, we must get you all your own beds, you shouldn’t have to sleep on blankets and sleeping bags.”
“Max, how’d you spend like a year hunting us around the globe and not go broke?” asks Chase, slurping up chow mein.
“Oh, my parents left me money,” he admits, darkening a little. “My father passed away just a little while before you went missing… it was really hard, of course, but he ended up leaving me much more than I realized he would be able to. And now I work for the fire service, so I have income.”
Jackie goes scarlet red. Marvin, who happens to know for a fact that Jackie finds firemen attractive, wisely does not comment.
Jackie packs a single backpack and all but runs with Max out the door, promising to be back in a few days. Everyone keeps it together just fine: Jackie doesn’t even seem nervous. JJ gets a little shaken up after he’s gone, crawling into his bed and crying for a little while, but everybody calmly comes to cheer him up and keep him company, and soon everything’s okay again.
And this is something that’s becoming increasingly common in their home: the intensity of every situation - the urgency of every breakdown - is quieting in the most wonderful way possible.
The hard times are becoming easier to deal with.
It’s a couple hours later when Marvin gets a call from Max’s phone and accepts it to the sound of his brother’s voice.
“Marvin! I forgot to bring a camera along.”
Marvin blinks, sitting up on his bed. “Hello to you too. What are talking about?”
“One of the cameras,” Jackie insists. “No one can see me out here!”
“Do you feel unsafe?” asks Marvin.
“Well, no, it’s not that. We’re good. Just - I don’t want them to worry about me.”
Marvin frowns. “Jackie, you already stress too much about the four of us. You don’t have to add the cameras to your list of concerns.”
“Well, but, don’t they deserve to see me?” asks Jackie. “I just left them behind! They’ve been here so long - I didn’t even say goodbye - I know they want to see us happy, I know - ”
“Jackie,” Marvin cuts him off. “They know you’re happy with him. Trust me, you two are acting like love-sick teenagers. Nobody deserves to be around you right now.”
Jackie snorts. “Shut the fuck up. Whatever.”
“Just enjoy your private time with your man,” says Marvin. “The cameras are here. They’re fine. Don’t stress.”
Jackie pauses. “Okay,” he says after a moment. “Just tell them bye for me!”
Marvin smiles at you. “Okay, dork. Jackie says bye.”
“Okay. Good. We landed fine. I’ll text you tomorrow. Bye! I love you.”
“Bye. Love you too.”
Marvin ends the call and tosses the phone on the bed, glancing at you again. He sits reading for a while in the living room of the house in the woods before setting Inkheart down and readjusting, looking over at you.
“I wanted to ask you something,” he says, glancing at the floor. “Would it be okay if… if we were maybe on camera a little less often? Like… Jackie’s right, you guys have been around for a long time. And I just wanted to check in. Because I don’t think we should be having you around too much as we start to move away from the need for the communication system and the encouragement… and I’m guessing it probably wouldn’t be great for you guys to just watch our boring lives forever.”
He grins up at you. “Just wanted to check in, I guess.”
He hears knocking on the front door and then laughter as Chase opens it to his kids, scooping them up and chattering with Stacy. In the other room, Henrik and JJ are watching something on the laptop, half of a conversation within Marvin’s hearing if he listens. The sun’s coming in through the window. It’s another beautiful day where things are good.
He’s guessing there will be a lot of them to come. There’s just a part of him that thinks that maybe, some of them should be shared just between the five of them. But the thought of it, after all you’ve helped him through, does feel a little selfish.
Jamie comes into Marvin's room one night going "can I sleep in here with you tonight Marv?" and Marvin of course is all "of course you can angel lovey darling, what's the matter?? come here to me" and JJ waits to get all comfy and snuggled in bed before telling Marvin he just has cold feet but didn't feel like wearing socks. great thanks
Jackie rests following his injury. Marvin and JJ talk some things out. JJ finds a Deaf community group, and Chase gets into a situation he finds overwhelming. Masterlist
Tws for discussions of past abuse and a suggestive encounter involving dubious consent (stopped before it goes too far). Tws may not be completely exhaustive - keep in mind the heaviness of the fic and look out for yourself.
Thank you to @lehhoh7822 for taking the time to compile this book!
.
A knocking on the door interrupts their talk. Marvin calls “come in!” and JJ follows suit, walking in with Stacy’s bags on his arms.
“Presents, presents, presents,” he signs grandly, sitting down on the bed. “Stacy had some of our old stuff.”
“Wait, really?” asks Jackie, sitting up.
“She said Chase and Schneep and I left some stuff with the magicians for safe-keeping,” explains Marvin warmly. “I haven’t looked yet though.”
JJ plops down on the bed beside them and offers Jackie a little box of his old things for him to look through. For Marvin, there is a box of all sorts of occult-looking magical shit, a worn pink cat’s collar, and several books of poetry. JJ rummages down into the bag and gasps with delight as he extracts a fancy little Polaroid camera just for him.
“Oh, look!” cries Jackie. “This - this is stuff I had in my old room. My toys and comics and stuff!”
Marvin holds the collar and the books to his chest, and brushes his hands over a crystal ball and old Tarot cards, smiling as he feels some part of himself settling warmly in his chest.
“Was there stuff for Chase and Schneep?” he asks.
“Yes,” says JJ. “Schneep’s nice white coat and an old music player, I think.”
In their bedroom, Chase turns the old MP3 player on with cautious fingers, his hopes lifting when he finds it still has power. He opens the list of songs on it - hundreds of his old favorites - and finds himself drawn to familiar names.
“Do you remember when we had this?” he asks Schneep softly, looking up into his faraway eyes. “When Anti gave us one and we had just a couple of our favorite songs? We would sit in our nest and listen to it as we fell asleep, back when we were just newly twins, and we didn’t remember anything else in the world but each other and our music.”
Henrik gazes blankly at him. Chase reaches carefully up and places an earbud in his ear, and then one in his own, and he starts their music.
From the other room, his siblings will hear him singing Sleeping at Last quietly. He does not have a voice for singing, but it doesn’t matter. It’s a part of him.
Slowly, Chase watches the recognition return to Henrik’s eyes. It is followed by surprise, confusion, awareness, and then, yes - a smile.
Chase laughs and grips his hands, and Henrik laughs back, shaking his head in amazement as the old music comes back to him.
“I do remember - ”
“Dok! You keep scaring me like that!”
“I’m sorry, I think I just - haha, well what does it matter, here I am.”
“Here you are.”
“Here I am.”
“Mrow!” calls Noodle, shoving his head up against their chins, and they burst into laughter and shitty, passionate singing, laughing at each other and gripping hands there in the safety of their nest, their cat purring enthusiastically between them, their family close at hand, and safe, and warm, and whole.
What else is there in the world that matters?
ari-trash asked:
Oh the cat collar... is there a name on it?
“No,” says Marvin softly. “I guess we had a couple cats.”
“Soup and Feichin,” says JJ.
Marvin laughs. “Really?”
“Marv, um, Jackie and I found their bodies… we can bury them sometime if you want.”
Marvin looks down at his blankets, nodding. “Yeah, that, uh - that would be nice, I guess.”
“Stacy might have some pictures on her phone too?”
“That’s sweet,” smiles Marvin. “I’ll ask. Plant some flowers for the cats and… yeah. I haven’t seen the house again yet.”
“We can go whenever,” says Jackie.
“You mean we can go whenever. You are stuck in bed!”
Jackie pouts. “Well, the upstairs is pretty burned, but the downstairs is mostly okay. I think we can make the place livable again.”
“And I’ll start making mirrors,” chuckles Marvin. “We’ll be able to come here to see the Irish magicians, and go to Sweden to see the kids, and I’ll make a mirror to Brighton too.”
JJ looks up, bright-eyed. Marvin grins weakly back and clears his throat. “JJ, um. The two of us should probably talk too. Sometime.”
JJ plays with his camera. “Am I in trouble?” he asks, not looking up.
“That’s not how we do things anymore,” says Marvin. “And even if it was, I think I would be the one in trouble.”
JJ gets a little red in the face. “You can stay with Jackie for now,” he says. “I’m okay.”
“Okay, well… sometime. Are you sure there isn’t something we could do together or something like that?”
There’s a pause as Jameson’s eyes flash. After a second, he looks up at Marvin, something brightening in his face. “Actually, there is something I need some help with.”
“Oh? Yeah, honey, whatever.”
“I still get nervous in public,” says JJ. “So I want someone to take me to Mass!”
Marvin covers his face with his hands. “You’re kidding, right?”
JJ is laughing at him now. “Nope! I want to go to confession and then to Mass.”
“Jameson,” says Marvin. “Listen, don’t you have some delusions kind of tied up in religion? You sure you don’t just want to, like… be done with that? Also, you know I’m a pagan, right?”
“I want to go to confession and then to Mass,” repeats JJ steadfastly. “But it’s up to you! Don’t go if you will be uncomfortable, I can always find someone else.”
He gathers up his things and leaves the room. Marvin turns to Jackie, bewildered.
“You kind of owe it to the little man,” laughs Jackie.
“You read your comics and be quiet,” says Marvin, and tries to ignore Jackie giggling.
“Maybe we should get him a cat,” Marvin adds.
“What?”
“Something to take care of. He’s been dependent for so long. He’s still really passive sometimes. That’s the first time I’ve heard him tell me what he wants like, ever.”
“Whatever you think, dude. As far as I’m concerned we already got one and we have a whole forest area for them to roam. May as well have more.”
Marvin eyes the collar in his hands, rubbing his thumb over it.
Anonymous asked:
Maybe you could get him a mouse or hedgehog?? Jackie you don't remember but JJ and you had a mouse in a little shoebox during the early days with Anti. I think JJ likes mice and rats a lot!
“A mouse in a shoebox,” laughs Jackie. “Cute. Yeah, well, ask him, Marv. Could be nice to get him a rat or something once we have money for a cage and things like that. Could be nice to not get anything, I don’t know what he wants to have to worry about. Are you sure it isn’t you who wants a cat?”
Marvin looks up from the collar, blinking. “Um. I don’t know. Anti made me think I didn’t like them.”
“You like Noodle.”
“I do now. I didn’t for a while.”
“There’s no rush for anything,” says Jackie. “But you’re your own person and the house is for all of us, so no one will mind one way or another I expect.”
Anonymous asked:
Did Henrik and Chase ever go back to the Jewish community center they found?
“We are planning to,” says Henrik, chewing on a piece of pizza Stacy had delivered for them as he sits on one side of Jackie’s bed. “Now that I am a little more aware. Chase says he will go with me one of these days.”
“I don’t know much about your actual services,” says Chase, mopping up marinara sauce with a breadstick. “But you can teach me.”
Jackie lying back in his bed between them, observing them with a faint, tired grin on his face in between bites of his own pizza. “You two could do some things separately for once, you know.”
Chase and Henrik glance at him and then at each other before turning away again.
“I mean it,” says Jackie, and despite the bandages still wrapped around his chest, he looks relaxed and lazy. “It would be good for you. Schneep, I bet Marvin would go with you since he’s taking JJ to church.”
“Nuh-uh!” comes a call from the other room. “This is enough structured religion for the rest of my life. We’re heading out, should be a couple hours.”
“Come say goodbye to me,” whines Jackie, and Marvin shouts back a grumpy “no!” but Jameson hurries into the room and throws his arms around Jackie in a hug.
“If you need me you can come right home,” says Jackie, brushing at his hair and cupping his head. “We can always try again another time. And just tell Marvin if you’re overwhelmed. Okay?”
“Jackie,” calls Marvin. “He’ll be with me and he’s fine. Don’t worry so much.”
“Stay with Marv,” Jackie orders. “Be good. Bye.”
“Bye.”
JJ hugs Schneep and Chase too before heading out with Marvin. Jackie watches him go, frowning out into the hall.
“And we’re the co-dependent ones,” grumbles Chase.
“I’ll bite you,” warns Jackie, making Chase laugh. “I’m letting him go, isn’t that enough?”
“It’s a start,” says Henrik.
Jackie sinks warmly back into his bed. “I’d take you to synagogue, Dok. Now that we’re free and you’re feeling better, we can be friends like we used to.”
Schneep smiles at him, his head ducking down.
Jackie doesn’t know if his brother will ever be the same loud, over-confident, teasing, exuberant person he was before this all happened. But he thinks that, little by little, Henrik will be bolder with each day that comes, and even if he never is quite that crazy again, he’ll always be Schneep. Jackie’s glad he’s here.
Anonymous asked:
How's being fussed over to your liking Jackie? Pretty nice to let yourself be taken care of I bet, especially after so long of having to hide your emotions and be so closed off both to Anti and your brothers.
Jackie lets Chase offer him orange soda through a straw so he doesn’t have to sit up. His brothers sit with him and talk, warming the room with their chatter and closeness.
It’s not like before, when they were separated by rooms or their fear of him. He thought it would be scary to feel less like he is in charge of them - like he couldn’t stop them from leaving or doing something stupid if they wanted to - but the truth is, there’s a relief to be found in knowing that they’re all taking their independence back from him, bit by bit, even though it scares him. And he’d give up a lot of control to feel this closeness to them. It’s the difference between a commander and an older brother, and he begins to realize that when he insisted to himself I’ll this time “I’m their big brother,” the problem wasn’t that that was a lie, but rather that his concept of what an older brother should be was skewed so badly the weight of it threatened to crush him.
Now he’s just lying in his bed, completely stripped of any semblance of authority or physical strength, and there’s something very nice about it. Henrik pulls another piece of pizza free and hands it over to him.
“I like it,” says Jackie. “Very much. And I want chocolate! Go, serving boy!”
Chase whacks him gently on the head with the empty breadstick box and gets up to get him a piece of chocolate.
Anonymous asked:
JJ I'm so excited you get to go to Mass and freely practice now! But remember to be careful of your delusions and take care of yourself! Religion can get very tricky when you're psychotic, so make sure you have someone with you to ground you just in case.
“I’m here if you need a break. If you do need someone to ground you. I - ”
“Now you’re getting as bad as Jackie.”
“Babe, you’re shaking already.”
Jameson flinches and looks up at the little parish building, a shiver running up his back. “I want to do this,” he signs, straightening his back. “I need to.”
“I just don’t want you getting worked up over - you know. Just. Religion.”
“I know you don’t believe in this stuff,” says JJ. “But it’s important to me. Thank you for calling so I can have a priest who signs.”
Marvin sighs. “Jamie, you know this is going to freak you out. If you’re just doing this because you have a delusion about going to Hell - ”
“I’m not, okay? Please just let me go.”
“Look, I know we don’t have to have jobs the same way anymore, but I am still your older sibling and I want to look after you. Can’t we just go?”
Jameson shakes his head. “No. I need to do this.”
“James… you don’t, okay? If God exists, he’s not going to send you to Hell.”
“It’s not about that.”
“Well, what is it about, because - ”
“How is it possible that Anti could have stripped me of myself so thoroughly that he even took my faith from me?” Jameson demands.
Marvin blinks at him, stopped in his tracks.
He knows JJ can’t literally yell, but sometimes, when he strikes his hands together like that and signs that fast, he gets the same impression as if he would have screamed. The look on his face tells the same story. Marvin looks down at the ground, ashamed to have tried to talk him out of it.
“It’s pathetic,” JJ continues weakly. “You read all these stories in the Bible about men who keep their faith through torture and death threats… I have to live the rest of my life knowing I’m not one of those men. I’m not strong enough.”
“Jameson,” murmurs Marvin. “That you’re here at all… it’s enough.”
Jameson snorts, turning away from him for a moment to breathe. Marvin wants to reach out to pull him back and hug him - to comfort him and make things right - but he supposes this is something Jameson has to figure out for his own.
“I’m glad you have found a piece of yourself among the magicians and your home,” signs JJ, breathing out slowly. “I truly am. It’s wonderful to see you happy again. And Chase gets to have his kids back - Jackie and Henrik are finding themselves again - it’s all marvelous. But Marvin, my whole life - my whole fucking life - has been Anti.”
Marvin doesn’t know what to say.
“I never had a chance to really be Jameson before this,” his brother continues. “I was always more Dapper than anyone else. Do you know how badly I’m scrambling to find myself? How when Anti was taken from me the floor was pulled out from underneath my feet and the only thing that I have to cling to now is my siblings, who sometimes can’t even see me as a man? Who already feel the need to take care of me without me being completely lost in a world I have never experienced without Anti hanging over me? Don’t get me wrong, the world he offered me was a terrible one - but it was the one I have always lived in.”
“I’m sorry,” mumbles Marvin.
“Don’t be,” replies JJ quickly, touching his cheek. “It’s not anybody’s fault. I just… need some help. Some support. Okay?”
“Yes. I’m sorry.”
“Must have been nice to find your people again,” adds JJ morosely. “I’d love that - a place where I feel like I belong. I’m trying to find it, Marvin. And I need to go to Confession before I can go to Mass. So please… just wait here for me, okay? And if I do break down, be there afterwards.”
“Yeah,” whispers Marvin. “Love you.”
“I love you,” replies JJ firmly. “I’ll be back in a few.”
Jameson pads up the steps to the parish building to meet with the priest and Marvin sits down heavily, rubbing at his head. He’d wanted to have some grand gesture to give Jameson in apology for the way he treated him, but he just feels lost.
Jameson cries on the bench in the Marian grotto outside the parish office, Marvin’s arms wrapped around him.
“Was he mean?” asks Marvin, stroking JJ’s hair out of his reddened face. “I don’t know what happens in confession.”
JJ shakes his head, his hands over his face.
“Just overwhelmed?”
A nod. Marvin sets their heads together and rocks him on the bench, closing his eyes.
“There’s no rush. You take your time.”
Jamie’s right hand falls to grip at Marvin’s shirt, pulling him close. They sit together for a long time. And Marvin’s wish for some grand gesture to give him falls apart. It’s been too long already. He needs to apologize.
“I love you, Jameson,” he says. “I’m sorry I said otherwise. I just - ”
“I know you do, Marv,” JJ cuts him off. “You don’t have to get into it.”
Marvin’s gut twists uncomfortably. “James, you’re allowed to be angry with me. You’re allowed to be angry period.”
Jameson glances up at the statue in the grotto, wiping tears from his face. “Think I forgot how somewhere along the way,” he says.
“Can I ask you something, sugar? Are you not… are you not angry at Anti?”
Jameson pauses again, a small sigh escaping his mouth as he breathes. “No. Not really. I suppose in a logical way I am - as in, I know he treated me poorly, I know he was cruel. But I don’t feel it.”
“Do you still miss him?”
“Terribly,” Jameson says. “How humiliating. I find it difficult to sleep without him. Even when Jackie comes to keep me company, it’s still difficult. I hear his voice in my head - not so much in the hallucinating way now, but just… the comments he would make. How he might laugh at something someone did. Or tease me or tell me to come lie down with him a while. Tell me about how I belonged to him, how I was special. How he’d be all alone if I ever gave him up. I think about him often. Then I feel wretched for dwelling on him when he was so awful to all of us, and I think to myself that I should hate him more, and that I really still am just his pet.”
Marvin bites his lip and wraps an arm around his brother, rubbing his shoulder. He doesn’t know what to say to that. It’s not something he relates to at all.
“How do you feel, Marvin, thinking back about him now?”
Marvin chuckles. “Well, um. Just - I don’t know.”
“Angry?”
“No. No, that much is gone from me. The anger is with myself for falling for him or for letting you all down this time or that time, and so on. But I got my anger for him out. Buried the knife of it in his stomach and let Jackie burn it down on the forest floor.”
JJ stares out at the trees. “I wish I hadn’t cried while he was dying. I wish I did not cry for him now. I wish I had been able to be angry. To be violent. To show him, just once, that I was not his little doll. But he was screaming for me and for Jack… my brother, screaming for me to save him.”
Jameson turns suddenly to Marvin, eyes creased with grief.
“Will I just always be a victim, Marvin? Is this always going to be all that defines me? Being his and being sick? Will I always be a burden to everyone?”
“Jamie,” Marvin protests. “No, absolutely not.”
“I know you and Jackie see it in me,” says JJ, pressing on. “I know because Jackie tells me it directly, that he has trouble seeing me as an adult and an independent person and a capable person and all that. And I know you do it too, Marvin, you - ”
“James, I - ”
“No, don’t lie to me,” signs JJ emphatically. “Don’t, because there was a reason you told me you didn’t love me and I know it must be this, that I’m broken, that you still see me as his sweet pet, that I disgust you. I know you’re just pressuring me to be better and that’s alright, I’m not angry - ”
“JJ!”
Marvin signs the letters hard, cutting Jameson off. He stares back down at the pavement, silent again. Marvin reaches tenderly out and cups his face, trying to draw his gaze up, but JJ just shies away.
“Jameson,” says Marvin. “Listen to me, okay? That’s not why I said that to you.”
Jameson purses his mouth. Marvin knows he doesn’t believe him.
“Jamie, here’s the truth, adult to adult: when I look back at Anti now, I feel afraid.”
Jameson meets his eyes, blinking.
“That was the part I was hoping would go away on its own, but it didn’t. The fear of him… it haunts me. All of us have to live the rest of our lives with the knowledge that we were his victims, that we were stripped of our identities and our freedom, and that is so scary, Jameson. Because what if it happens again? And I know that Anti was a supernatural whatever-the-hell, and that he had mind control powers and so on, whatever. But… giving my love to someone and having them use that to manipulate me? That’s real, JJ. Someone could do that with my heart. Even any of you could do that with my heart. That terrifies me.”
“And you think I would do that with your heart,” signs JJ morosely.
“No, no,” replies Marvin, quick to correct. “That’s not it. But Jameson, over the last year, I pretty much only ever got to see you or interact with you when he was there. So… it’s not your fault, but you remind me of him. You remind me of when we were victims together. And that fear comes back. Lately, I’ve been letting that fear control me. I lashed out at you because I was scared. I was trying to drive you away. It’s why I’ve been so harsh with you. That fear.”
“I won’t go away,” Jameson tells him immediately, pausing between words to brush a strand of hair from Marvin’s eyes. “Even if you are harsh, that’s alright.”
“No, sugar, it’s not alright,” Marvin chuckles weakly. “It’s not. That’s what I want you to know. That’s why I’m saying I’m sorry.”
“It’s forgiven, Marvin,” says JJ. “I won’t go.”
Marvin hugs him for a moment, pulling him away again to look him in the eye. “You’re too gentle with me,” he says. “And if I ever do anything like that to you again, I want you to kick my ass. Okay?”
JJ giggles. “I’ll try?”
“Good. But if you really mean it about forgiving me, then… thanks. Honestly, I’ve been scared I’d ruined things between us forever.”
“But if I remind you of Anti, how will we be friends?” asks Jameson, frowning. “You should stick with the others. I’m okay.”
“Don’t say stuff like that. You are important, JJ, and you’re not a burden - you’re a part of us. You’re a part of me. So that’s why I want to spend more time with you, time like this, where things are pretty calm and we just know that we’re safe. If I start getting worked up, I can take a break, like Jackie does. I want to have a chance to see you in a context outside of victimhood. I want to see you as yourself. My bad-ass brother.”
JJ’s eyes water. “I’ve missed that. Jackie’s my only friend, and even he sometimes sees me as a kid.”
“Chase and Schneep aren’t your friends?”
Jameson pauses. “Chase and Henrik love me,” he says slowly. “They’re my brothers.”
“But not… friends.”
He shrugs, glancing down at his shoes, clearly embarrassed to have said anything.
“We’re going to start doing things as a family,” says Marvin, reaching out to hug him again. “And we will all get to know each other again. As friends. As equals.”
“The way we used to,” Jameson signs faintly. “I - I have missed that. So much. Marvin. I missed you.”
Marvin rests his head against Jameson’s, sitting with his arm wrapped around him.
He doesn’t remember who Jameson was before this all happened. He doesn’t remember who he himself was before this all happened. He definitely doesn’t remember what things were like between them, when Jameson and Marvin would talk about magic and take walks and drink wine on the porch late into the night together.
Still, as he is holding him there in the warmth of the sun, he feels a piece of himself settle back into place again, and he realizes that he has missed him too.
.
Anonymous asked:
Have you checked out a deaf support group in the area yet JJ? One of your brothers can go with you, if you need that, but I think making some friends and meeting new people would be good for you!
“Okay, so - come here, look, I’m not going to decide for you! Right. So there’s clubs here in town and they meet weekly. This one is right by the bus stop in the center of town. There’s service programs too so if you need help finding a job or signing up for things or whatever, that’s what they’re here for. You can go anytime.”
JJ squirms on the bed beside Jackie, glancing at the computer uncertainly. “Nobody else will have schizophrenia, though.”
“Jay, you don’t know that, and even if there was nobody else with a psychotic disorder, everyone is there to help and understand. That’s the whole point of this. Besides, you’re not having symptoms lately, right?”
“Sometimes I don’t emote right. That’s not good when everybody is Deaf.”
Jackie grins at him. “Well, when you do emote, you are crazy emotive. Even I get what you’re feeling when you make faces. And if you can’t emote for a while, you still sign perfectly well. You can work around whatever concerns you have, JJ, I know it.”
JJ smiles weakly back at him, glancing at the screen.
“It’s your choice,” says Jackie. “But I think it would be a good idea for you to go.”
“Okay,” says JJ. “Would be nice if some of them were British, though.”
“Some of them might be.”
“I don’t know this town at all.”
“We’ll figure it all out, bud. We will.”
JJ lies down beside him and puts his head against his shoulder, resting with him.
Anonymous asked:
Emotional check in time! You've all been through a lot the past couple days. How is everyone doing? - 🎒
“Yes, that’s a good question,” says Marvin, and you find him moving through the old house in the mirror, striding towards the rooms at the back of the hall. Chase and Henrik look up at him from exploring the less-burned room. “How are you guys doing?”
“I think we’re pretty good,” says Henrik, glancing at his twin.
“Yes,” says Chase. “This is good. Noodle can have the forest to run around with without anything to hurt him or a way to get lost. And you, Marv?”
“I’m right as rain, amata,” he replies. “I’ll let you two explore. We can all have our own rooms here. Nice, huh?”
He’s gone again before waiting for an answer. Chase and Henrik look at each other again, blinking. Their own rooms. Yeah. An unusual uncomfortable silence settles between them.
Back in the apartment, JJ gets up to look at Jackie for a reply. His big brother chuckles, messing up his hair. “I’m okay, my man. How are you?”
JJ shrugs. “A little down, I guess. Fine.”
“You’re allowed to be sad sometimes,” says Jackie, brushing his hair back into place again. “Why don’t you go check out the house with the others, yeah?”
“I don’t want to leave you alone.”
“I think I’ll have a nap, actually.”
“I’ll nap with you.”
“No,” laughs Jackie. “I don’t want you guys to feel like you have to babysit. Go on. Pest.”
“You are.”
“You are.”
“You are!”
Jackie shoves his shoulder as he gets out of bed, making JJ laugh, and they sign “kiss kiss kiss” at each other before his little brother is slipping away to join the others.
Jackie doesn’t nap, though. A sigh slides out of him. He stares at their one phone, the smile fading off his face.
Anonymous asked:
Jackie, did you memorize Max's number? Maybe you should call it! I think having him with you would help you get back a piece of yourself.
“Yeah,” says Jackie.
He stares at the phone, drawing himself up to sitting with a groan. His hand covers his injured shoulder. He pulls his red jacket closer around him and lets his thumb rest on the phone screen, pulling open the call app.
He stills, eyes crinkling. Noodle mewls at him from the doorway, padding over to hop up onto the bed.
“Fuck, I’m a coward,” Jackie mumbles, burying his face in his hands. “Fuck. I wish he was just… dammit. Wish he was just here.”
scunneredzombie asked:
Marvin, are you doing okay? You're rushing around and being a little distant.
“No, no, I’m okay,” says Marvin quickly. “No worries.”
He heads back up to his burned room, pushing into the closet. Although they are all broken from the heat, even melted in some places, the mirrors to places all over the world are still back there. He can touch the shattered glass and still feel tired power beneath the surface.
“Just want to find something I can do for JJ,” he says. “At least make him a mirrorway to the UK so he can feel a little more at home. Although - fuck. I guess those magicians who tried to kidnap him are still there.”
He shakes his head bitterly. “It’s not fair to him that they would treat him like that. He deserves to be able to go home.”
Anonymous asked:
You can do it Jackieboy man!! Call that boy and fix both your broken hearts. You deserve the chance to apologize and see him again.
Jackie presses the numbers into the phone with a slight shake in his hands, biting his lip as he leans down over it and hits the green call button.
He won’t answer, right? Nobody answers unknown numbers.
It rings once. Twice.
“This is Deshmukh.”
Jackie tongue cleaves to the top of his mouth. He said it so suddenly and so directly. Business-like. Max.
“Hello?”
Jackie draws a single breath in, trying to hold himself together.
“Max.”
The silence on the other end of the phone seems to change. He thinks he hears Max breathe too.
Neither of them speak for a long moment.
“It’s Jackie,” he adds softly. “I… it’s me.”
He hears shuffling and a door closes.
“It isn’t,” says Max.
Jackie closes his eyes, rubbing at his head.
“I know we didn’t leave things well last time.”
“I can’t do this again,” says Max, very quiet. His voice is solid as rock and flat as week-old beer. “I can’t.”
Tears bite Jackie’s eyes. He nods to himself, then shakes his head.
“Max,” he repeats, helpless. “Max.”
Anonymous asked:
Tell Max you're free. Tell him what happened to Anti and how far you've come since then. He'll listen, I know he loves you, you just need to explain some shit.
Jackie nods to himself - to you - and lies back on his bed, holding his injured shoulder.
“I’m at work,” says Max. “I can’t play right now.”
“It’s not a game.”
“It’s always a game,” he says. “You’re playing with me.”
“It’s Jackie,” he whispers. “Not… not him.”
“Then it’s a trap.”
“I know you have good reason to think that. I - I don’t know how to tell you - he’s dead, Max. We all fought free of him. Marvin killed him. I burned him til there was nothing left. We’re in Ireland. He’s gone.”
Max doesn’t answer.
“I think about you every day,” says Jackie. “All the time. I - ”
“Please don’t,” cries Max, the strength in his voice wavering. “Please.”
Jackie covers his mouth with his hand, trying to breathe.
“Is there anything I can do to prove it to you?”
“It’s a game,” replies Max softly. “It’s always a game.”
“I miss you so much.”
“Please don’t toy with me. Haven’t you put me through enough? I can’t save him so I have to stop trying. I can’t do this anymore. You must leave me alone.”
Jackie’s eyes burn. His chest hurts.
“Just one thing then, tiger, because you know I’d give you anything you asked me for,” he sobs. “I just want to tell you I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything that happened. I would say I regret it but I’m too selfish. I’m just glad you’re safe. If it kept you safe I don’t regret it. And thank you - for the… for the hotel room and the clothes and the food and for - for you. For music while we laid down together and for your hand on my arm. Cause you made me feel like there was something worth living for again.”
“Stop it,” cries Max. “You can’t just - ”
An alarm goes off somewhere on Max’s end of the call, loud enough Jackie pulls the phone away from his ear. Max swears violently.
“I have to go,” he says.
“Okay,” chokes Jackie.
But Max doesn’t go. There’s a long moment of the ringing of the alarm.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t save you, Juice Box,” Max croaks. “You are my ghost now: you haunt me. I love you and I always will.”
“Max,” says Jackie, and then the call ends.
Jackie lets the phone thump down on the bed.
The two halves of his heart are clutched in his fists.
He slides down onto the bed and cries so hard it hurts.
Anonymous asked:
You can always call him again at another time? If you're persistent he might believe you. Like he said, he'll always love you. Don't give up Jackie!
“Okay, yeah,” he says, drawing heaving breaths. “Yeah, okay, okay. I wish he was here.”
He cries into his pillow. It’s only moments later that the door is bursting open and both Henrik and Chase are looking at him in concern. They come to his bedside and Chase puts a hand on his back, leaning down to be close to him.
“Jackie, what’s wrong?”
“Do you need more pain medication?”
“No, I’m okay,” he hiccups. “Just stay with me?”
They take their places on his bed, their hands resting on his shoulders and back, mumbling reassurances to him.
Anonymous asked:
Jackie is having some relationship issues, guys, be gentle with him and stay close to him for a while. I feel really bad for you Jackie, but I know he'll believe you eventually. He loves you after all and I'm sure he misses you as much as you miss him.
Twin hums of sympathy come from his brothers, similar enough it actually makes Jackie snort out a snotty laugh. He rolls over and gazes up at the both of them, placing a hand on the side of both their heads.
“Relationship problems?” asks Chase. “Did you meet somebody at work?”
“No,” coughs Jackie, tucking a strand of hair behind his ears. “No, somebody from the past.”
“That Max guy,” offers Henrik. “The one you thought about so much.”
Jackie sighs and flushes at the same time. “I still think about him.”
They nod at him. “You should have told us,” says Chase, patting his shoulder. “Anti said you guys were boyfriends. Was he trying to mock you or was that true?”
“No, that was true,” mumbles Jackie.
“Maybe we can find him again,” offers Chase.
“I just tried to call him,” Jackie says. “It didn’t go well. He doesn’t believe me, I don’t think. That Anti’s gone.”
“We’ll convince him then,” says Chase firmly.
Jackie smiles at him. He’s glad they’re on the same team again.
Henrik and Chase bring him water and some chocolate, and he lets them give him a little more pain medication too, just to calm him down. He lays back on his pillows, exhausted, and lets them sit down on either side of him.
“Wanna watch a movie?” asks Chase.
“Honestly, some distraction would be great right now,” he admits.
“I’ll get the laptop.”
Anonymous asked:
Maybe Stacey can call? Sometimes just having someone different tell the true makes it easier to believe.
“Do you think she’d help?” asks Jackie.
“I’m going over to her place in just a few,” says Chase, arranging the laptop between the three of them. “I’ll ask her, okay?”
“I don’t know how else to convince him,” says Jackie sadly. “Maybe I just hurt him too bad. And now we can’t be together.”
“Jackie,” says Henrik, squeezing his arm warmly. “Was not you who hurt him. Anti took you away from him - not once, but twice. He must be cautious now. To protect his heart, yes? But when he is sure, I bet he comes back.”
“Yeah, man. I mean, he chased halfway across the world just for the chance of getting you back. If he realized he has a real chance this time, I bet he’d leap. He’s probably just scared.”
Anonymous asked:
How do you plan to make a mirror for Jj if you don't really remember what to do for it? Genuine query, I'm sure you can do it though!!
Marvin laughs. “No, you’re right. But the other magicians said they’ll teach me again! They’re going to help me get back some of those old skills. Apparently there’s a whole enchantment. It’ll be good. I think maybe I do want to lead again… I’ll need more help than I did before, maybe, but if they let me learn for a while I could maybe take charge again. Everyone was so kind and even happy to see me. That’s what I want for JJ, you know? Someone in the UK just needs to take charge and - ”
Marvin cuts himself off, blinking.
“That’s what we’ll do,” he mumbles.
He’s off in a moment, hurrying down the stairs and towards JJ’s room, pushing in the door to find his little brother sorting through some books preserved on the left side. Jameson looks up at him.
“Jamie,” he says triumphantly. “We’ll overthrow the corrupt magicians.”
Jameson cocks an eyebrow. “What are you talking about?”
“In Brighton.” Marvin moves over to kneel down beside him. “The ones who tried to take you and anyone else who runs with them. I am the head of the Irish magicians and you are a powerful British magician. We’ll throw the rotten ones the hell out. The other magicians told me even most of the British magicians want the leaders gone! If we can organize a change - ”
“Why are you talking about this?”
“Because I want you to feel like you belong there,” he says. “Because - because everyone should have the chance to feel like I did when I found my friends again.”
A shy smile blooms across JJ’s face, though he pulls his gaze away.
“That’s not a small thing, Marvin. It will take a lot of time.”
“We have time.”
“It will be dangerous.”
“We’ve been through worse. JJ, haven’t you been looking for more of a purpose lately? And couldn’t this be part of it?”
.
“Hi,” says Chase, scrolling on the phone when Henrik wakes from a deep nap, his glasses askew on his face and his hair mussed towards the ceiling. Henrik mumbles and pushes himself back into place, rolling over on Jackie’s bed, where their older brother is asleep between them.
A few days have gone past, and Jackie’s doing a little better all around. He’s able to get out of bed without dizziness now and the wound has stayed clean. He’s talking more, to all of them, and what seems to be a small difference has wrapped a veritable blanket of calm after him. He seems relaxed to Chase for the first time since… well, ever.
The only stressor still clinging to him is Max. Chase has been over to see Stacy and the kids every night - they’re waiting for Marvin to remake some mirrors before heading home to Sweden - and apparently she and Max have had a couple terse conversations over the phone, with slow progress.
“We should let him sleep,” sighs Henrik, getting out of bed.
Chase rises with him. This movement between them - the way they ebb and flow together, like birds sharing the same draft - it never seems to change.
“What are you doing on the phone?” asks Henrik, plopping down on their nest and pulling Noodle into his lap. On their windowsill, his caterpillar has rolled itself up into a lumpy green cocoon. “Playing your silly cat game?”
Chase lets out a low breath, sitting down beside him. “Ha. Um, no. Actually, I wanted to tell you something.”
Henrik looks up, the change in atmosphere not lost to him. “Oh?”
Chase nods. “You’re doing better, you know? You had a slip back into that, uh, quiet mode again the other day, but you came out of it quick. I don’t need to be taking caretaker checks and looking after you anymore, really. You’re up to looking after yourself again.”
Henrik blinks. “Okay.”
“And I - well, I’m a dad now. Or, like, I always have been, but - you know what I mean. And I want to help with all of our finances, and to have a life outside of the five of us, and - and - Dok, I got a job offer.”
“Oh!” Henrik’s hand stills on top of Noodle’s head. “Oh, yes, that’s… good. That’s very good! It is.”
“But it means…”
Chase’s eyes meet his and neither of them needs to finish the sentence. It means they’ll be apart for hours at a time. The last time that happened, Anti was taking Dok away to torture him in the spare bedroom or hypnotizing Chase into submission on repeat.
Their lives are so deeply intertwined.
“I just wanted to run it by you,” says Chase, shifting in their blankets.
“It’s good,” repeats Henrik, like a skipping track. “It’s good.”
The words are slightly ashy on his tongue.
A rhythmic rap on the door interrupts them and they turn to see JJ peeking his head in. He taps his wrist politely.
“Shit, is it six already?” asks Chase. “I’ll be right out, JJ.”
“You’re taking him to his meeting? I’ll go with you, Chase.”
“Well, Deutsch, uh.” Chase plays with his hands, tangling their blankets around his fingers. “He was talking about wanting to do stuff individually with the rest of us - kind of making friends with all of us after being alone so long - and I think he was wanting just me to go with him this time. And maybe just you next time. And then Blue, and so on. So I thought that might be good, just me and him.”
Henrik laughs. “But this is silly. He will be in his support group for an hour and he wants to go alone.”
“Yeah, we’ll get coffee or something afterwards, though.”
“But you’ll be alone for an hour,” Henrik stresses. “You will be bored and lonely. Might as well come along, yes?”
“Schneep, I’m going to take the laptop and start on some of the training for work while I’m there,” says Chase, getting red in the face.
Schneep sits back. “Well… well, Chase, maybe we can both have the same job? If you are set on this one, then wonderful.”
Chase won’t look up at him.
“It’s a job as an ER receptionist,” he mumbles. “And it also counts as an internship for, uh. For nursing school.”
“But that’s perfect,” says Henrik, sitting up. “Because then we can be - ”
We can be a doctor and a nurse together.
Except…
Blood on Jackie’s shoulder.
Blood down Henrik’s hands.
“Look,” says Chase, reaching out to snag his twin’s hands. “It’s not set in stone yet. Shit, Dok, you know all you have to do is say the word and I’d turn it down in a second. We can go back to the way things were if you wanted. But I… ever since meeting the kids, I feel actual motivation for myself again. I mean, not just motivation to make things good for you, to give you nice things, to make sure you’re safe… but motivation to grow as an adult and be able to provide for them and set them an example. To make them proud of me. And I just thought… I just thought maybe this would be something I could be proud of.”
Henrik looks at him, trying to find the words hovering somewhere around his mouth.
Chase glances at his clock. “Shit, I’m going to make James late for his first meeting. But just think about it, okay? I’ll be home in a couple hours.”
Chase gets up and hugs Henrik before darting away, joining JJ in the living room and getting ready to go. It seems like they’re gone by the time Henrik blinks.
He walks out onto their balcony, still holding Noodle in his arms, and watches his younger brothers walk away.
Anonymous asked:
You'll be okay Henrik. Moving through and past the co dependence you have with Chase is really important. Just because he's gone for a moment doesn't mean he's leaving forever. You have to slowly teach yourselves to be apart again. You could also try finding a job, Schneep! Just not the exact same one as Chase. Let loose the rope and learn to be individuals!
“Try finding a job. What am I going to do?” mumbles Henrik, pushing back from the balcony and wandering inside again. Marvin is out and Jackie is asleep. “A surgeon scared of blood, ha. What a joke. Chase has kids now, maybe Stacy… me, I’m an asexual immigrant with co-dependency issues and PTSD. Not really a huge market for that. There isn’t much in the world for me other than my brothers.”
He squeezes Noodle against him, bumping their heads together, and closes his eyes.
“But I swear I will make sure Chase gets this!” he says, his voice ferocious. “I will support him, I don’t care if he has to spend more time away. For him to stop himself from pursuing something he wants on my behalf would be terrible! I will be good brother. He will still have time for me… is all okay.”
Anonymous asked:
Chase moving into being an independent adult is very important for his healing. Henrik I know it hurts, but you two's codependence isn't healthy. You two regaining independence and learning to be apart again is so, so important, and Chase is doing well taking it in small steps. Maybe you should get a job too, or volunteer somewhere? Once you're feeling well enough of course.
“Ugh, I know,” groans Henrik, rubbing at his head. “What a mess. But we’ve been together so much, for so long. There were so many times I wouldn’t have survived without him there, even just to talk with me, and I know and love him so much. It will be like a separating of conjoined twins. I must cut a part of myself away. But if he will be happier in the end, I will do it. Do not tell him I am being such a baby, okay? I just get nervous, that’s all. I can’t watch someone tear him away from me again. Almost taking him from me forever was the worst thing Anti ever did to me.”
crystalninjaphoenix asked:
You're not being a baby, Henrik. Your feelings are valid, even if they go against what your brain knows. Emotions are complicated in any situation, but you've gone through so much, which tangles everything up. It's okay to be scared and unsure and worried about losing Chase again. I think a lot of people would feel the same in your situation.
“Yeah?” He pets Noodle’s back, gazing at the floor. “Yes, maybe. Thank you. I suppose I’ve really only been out of my head for the last week or two, in the end. Is a lot.”
He chuckles darkly. “Strange thing about survival, I suppose. You’re guaranteed to need each other. I guess I will just feel… a little useless, a little bit like a burden, if Chase learns to be independent and I am still here needing him, with nothing else going for me. Perhaps you are all right - I must find something else to do with myself. Just hard to imagine what that would be.”
patthatsmilesback asked:
What meeting are you going to JJ? Did you decide yes on the deaf groups? And I'm so glad you're taking a moment to just be with Chase! Learning to be friends with everyone again must be lovely despite its difficulties.
“Yes,” he signs, his hands a little shaky, but not bad. “Jackie helped me find one. For now, it’s just a group dinner. Low pressure. Not like an AA meeting or counseling, just… people hanging out. The restaurant knows we’re coming. Everyone should be nice.”
“Everyone will be nice,” says Chase firmly, turning to him as they reach their destination. “But if they’re not, or something starts to happen, I am right here across the street. Okay? I’ll be right here at this table in the window.”
Chase gestures to the little coffee shop beside them, quiet in the evening hour. JJ nods, trying to be just as firm, and straightens up.
“You ready?” asks Chase, glancing at the restaurant across the street.
“Think so,” JJ replies.
“Go on, my man. When you’re done I’ll be right here and we’ll get a coffee, okay? I love you.”
JJ signs it back to him as he turns to cross the street, Chase watching him go. Jameson is wearing worn black slacks and a white button-up. His own choice, now. To dress up a little for himself, and no one else.
Chase smiles down at the ground for a moment, closing his eyes as he smells the crisp cool of the oncoming fall and the sweet petrichor of a rain approaching from a couple miles away, turning the sky into a glow of grey clouds. For a moment, he wonders what Anti would think if he could see him now. Would he admit he was wrong about Chase’s uselessness and brokenness? Would he insist that Chase is just grasping at a happiness he’ll never find? Would he maybe, just maybe, find a little pride in him, to see him surviving despite all the bullshit he put him through?
“Doesn’t matter now, does it?” Chase murmurs, looking up to the sky. “You could have been here to see me, Anti, if you even once tried to love me right.”
This is the reward of freedom: watching his little brother cross the street in a white button-up to go get dinner with some people who will become his friends, and sitting down in the window of a coffee shop to start training for a new job so he can buy Christmas presents for his children. It is more than enough for him, he thinks.
He orders a small coffee with a little bit of spending money, sitting down at the window table and opening up the laptop. After a couple minutes, he becomes aware of something else, too: a blond girl a couple tables away, sending him glances every minute or two. He flushes and raises his cup to his mouth, trying not to look back too much.
There might be a couple extra bonuses to freedom, too. He gives her a small smile as their eyes meet and she grins and looks away.
Anonymous asked:
Oooooh a cute girl? Feeling like a flirt, Chase, wink wink?
“I cannot hit on girls,” mutters Chase, hiding his face from her. “She’s out of my league anyway. Don’t tease me! Oh my gosh.”
He takes another drink of his coffee and then nearly spits it out again, scrambling to look busy behind the laptop. “Holy shit, she’s coming over to me, holy shit, holy shit.”
He shuts his mouth as she gets closer, trying to look casual as she comes up to him.
“Studying?” she asks.
Chase’s mouth feels dry. He does actually wish Henrik was here, but then it seems like that would have made it unlikely for her to approach. He clears his throat.
“Just working on some training for my new job,” he says. “So yeah, kind of.”
“What a coincidence,” she says, her body swaying slightly where she stands, almost playful, or maybe shy. “I was just working on some homework. Was wondering if you needed a study buddy.”
Oh, shit, she wants to sit down. She’s so pretty, wildly pretty. With all this curly white-blond hair tied up on her head and clear, light-catching blue eyes. The textbook against her hip is for Advanced Statistics, a big old college book pressed against her notebooks and zip-up pencil case.
“You a college student?” he asks.
“Getting my Master’s,” she says, and then adds, to the unspoken question. “I’m twenty-four.”
He grins weakly. “Um, yeah, feel free to sit down. I’m Chase, by the way.”
“Jenna.”
Jenna, wow. She sits down across from him, setting her things down on the table with a tall black coffee. He bites his lip and then sends you a scathing, red-faced look, like he can already hear you teasing him from the other side of the camera, but his eyes are alight. He doesn’t think he’s ever told a girl his real name before. He even had the barista put CJ on his cup. Oh, fuck. Does he talk to her? Does he ignore her? Does he ask for her number? What does he do when JJ comes? He takes another drink of his coffee, smiling shyly at her from behind the cup.
unpredictably-ghostly asked:
Oooh Chase she seems nice! if you want to try talking, maybe ask about what she's studying? don't stress, but if you can for sure try and get her number! could turn out to be something good :D
He stares at the lip gloss gleam she leaves on her coffee cup, trying to think straight. Okay, what’s she studying? That’s good. Just start. Just try.
“What’s your Master’s in?” he manages.
She starts talking to him about journalism and the different countries she wants to travel to, and he listens intently. It’s hard to make conversation about current events when he’s been completely secluded from the world for the last year and a half or so, but he picks up on pieces. He tells her he’s lived in Peru, which excites her, but when she asks him more about it he realizes most of those memories are kind of upsetting, and stammers into silence again soon.
They sit quietly, both half-pretending to study.
“I’m back in the country now to see my kids,” he says, and then flushes hot red as he realizes that’s probably not something a woman wants to hear when she might be hitting on him.
“Oh, wow, how many?”
“Two.”
“They must be pretty young.”
“Kind of. Er, well - our first, I was only like 18.”
Wow, Chase. Great. Why don’t you tell her you still kind of might be in love with your ex while you’re at it? Throw in your depression and alcohol issues and you’ll be good to go! She goes quiet and he knows it’s over. She’s out. He flunked this interaction.
“This is probably, like, way too much information,” Jenna says, scooting forward. “But I gave up a baby for adoption when I was about that age. So, like, I get it.”
And just like that, they’re talking for real. About kids, about exes, about family, about everything. Somehow it evolves into video game talk, and they’re laughing over games Chase only just now remembered he ever played. They’ve scooted closer together, chattering in the window of the coffee shop as the evening light falls. The rainy sunset paints the loose strands of her hair in cool gold against the sunshower.
Anonymous asked:
Get her number Chase!! You're smooth as hell, I know you can do it. Maybe offer to buy food for the two of you? No one can turn down a number in exchange for coffee house pastry!
Smooth as hell. Yeah. He - for a second, yeah, he feels it. Feels like maybe he really was this person at some point, someone who was comfortable around girls. Comfortable around people, hell. Around everyone. An extrovert, maybe. He’s smooth. Yeah.
He’d like to buy her something, though he’s only got enough cash on hand for him and JJ to get a snack, and he wouldn’t give that up even for her. But if he gets a job, maybe he can really make this work. Maybe he could try out an actual relationship. Take her to movies and get her dinner… hang out at her place and cook together… dang, his mind jumped ahead fast. So maybe he’s an extrovert - and a bit of a romantic, too.
“So can I get your number?” he asks, finally feeling up to it when the coffee’s gone. She smiles at him. It makes a strand of hair fall into her face, and she pushes it back, a little color in her cheeks.
“Course,” she says. “But I could do you one better. I’m almost done with my homework, and I’ve got the new Link game on my Switch back home. Do you want to come over?”
Woah. He feels like an achievement just unlocked at the bottom of his screen. She likes him. She wants to hang out with him. To be friends, maybe more. He hasn’t made a friend in… he doesn’t remember. There was Xin Yi, of course. But the memory of her is blurred in his mind. Distantly, he remembers laughing with her in the library and her teaching him to cook his own dinner at her stall, teasing him and encouraging him to try Singlish phrases.
He’d love to hang out like that again. With a pretty girl. With a friend.
“Oh, shit,” he says. “I’d like to, for sure, but I have to meet my brother later.”
“Ah, come on,” she says, giggling at him. Oh, he thinks he’s already wrapped around her finger. “He won’t mind you blowing him off.”
Maybe that’s true for some families a little more well-adjusted than theirs, but even if he were just scheduled to go home and play card games with Jameson, he still wouldn’t ditch him, even for a pretty girl.
“I really can’t,” he chuckles. “Trust me, I’m bummed.”
“If you’re bummed then why not?”
He doesn’t think she’s being pushy, or at least not trying to be, just teasing him. He smiles as she scoots a little closer to him, no longer trying to hide the flirting, and he wiggles his eyebrows at her, which makes her laugh. She’s close to him. He can smell her. Vanilla. Wow.
“Come on,” she purrs, flashing her eyes at him.
Wow. Their gazes meet. Big blue eyes. Wow, eyes you could drown in.
He feels slightly sick to his stomach, his smile flickering. He looks across the street, wondering if JJ’s meeting is done by now.
She wraps her hand around his wrist. His gaze flashes right back to her. Damn. Blue. His mouth tastes dry. She tilts her head at him. He can’t move.
All that coffee, and now he just feels sleepy.
“Come back to my place,” she says, smiling at him.
“Okay,” says Chase, tongue thick in his mouth. “Yes, of course.”
Whatever you say.
Anonymous asked:
How is the meeting going JJ? Are you having fun meeting new people?
It’s really good, the meeting.
He doesn’t talk too much, and maybe he looks down at his dinner for most of it, but it’s still… yeah. Really good.
Everybody speaks in sign. There are a couple non-Deaf and non-mute people there, some parents of young Deaf children still trying to find their way through the changes it brings, and some partners there to be supportive and just have fun with their spouse and friends. Some of them have hearing aids and some don’t. Some of them have always been Deaf and some haven’t. One man has a communication board. One woman, like JJ, can hear but not vocalize.
He feels okay. And everyone is nice.
By the time dinner’s gone and they’re all just talking, he’s more engaged in the conversation. He’s chatting with the guy beside him, Theo, a true crime buff signing about some disappearance in Australia. JJ wonders if he’ll be upset by the discussion, but after a few minutes he still feels fine, grinning as he watches Theo sign so fast and so casually that your translation software can barely keep up. Theo’s naive about the shit that JJ’s been through, and even though he’s watching all these shows and podcasts about bad things in the world, he doesn’t really get it. But there’s something really nice about that - about his eagerness to help and the way it feels like something faraway to Theo, something that could never happen to him. JJ thinks that most people should be this naive. It’s good. It feels safe.
After about an hour and half, they’re dispersing, signing goodbyes and arguing over where they’ll go next time, and everybody seems to be taking the individual time to tell JJ: “see you next time, thanks for coming, so nice to meet you!” The organizer, Lisa, makes sure she has his number. Then she tries to go in for a hug.
JJ jolts back, alarmed. He doesn’t want to freak out on her. Humiliation and fear of offending her wash over him as she draws back, frowning, but she quickly smiles again, and instead of making it awkward, she just sets her outstretched hands warmly on his arms for a moment.
He breathes shakily as he feels her palms settle against the white fabric of his shirt. He wills himself not to move. Her hands are gentle. She only leaves them there for a second.
Then she’s drawing away, and everything is okay.
He’s still okay.
“See you next time, JJ,” she signs.
A little sign name, just for him. Just a quick pair of Js, not even particularly personal. But it means a great deal to him in that moment.
He’s red with triumph as he moves across the street, his back held high.
And you told me I would never! he thinks to his brother’s ghost, and for a second it makes him want to cry, because he let Anti tell him for so long that no one else would ever care about him or bother to make accommodations, and he’s just met a whole group of people who aren’t just willing to make space, but who already seemed to have a place carved out and waiting for someone just like him. You were such a coward, Anti. You just lied because you didn’t want me to go. I was never the problem. I am not a problem. I’m a person.
I’m my own person.
The rain is coming gently down on him, cool in his hair and on his face. He feels at peace.
And then Chase isn’t in the window of the coffee shop.
JJ stops short on the pavement, blinking. Well… maybe he just couldn’t get that seat?
He presses inside, looking around, but his brother isn’t there. He glances at the baristas and the people around him. The world feels loud again. Full of talking.
He steps back outside, shivering and glancing around. Maybe he’s in the bathroom? Maybe he went to a shop? Maybe he’ll come home soon?
Why isn’t he here? He promised.
crystalninjaphoenix asked:
Uh... guys? Don’t be alarmed, but I think something happened to Chase. I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but remember how he got all relaxed when looking at Marvin’s eyes a couple times? There was this other person with big blue eyes, and like I said I don’t want to draw conclusions but... he acted a bit weird.
JJ’s face flashes in alarm. He draws himself back against the window, hiding under the awning, and stares out at the street with wide round eyes.
Is he… is he gone? Is he in trouble? His eyes prickle. He doesn’t know what to do.
“Hi,” a sign flashes in front of him, and he looks up to see Theo jogging towards him, a big grin on his face. “I’m just waiting for a Lyft! Can I wait with you?”
“Yes,” knocks JJ, wiping at his face.
“Hey, you okay?”
“My brother was supposed to be here to walk home with me, that’s all.”
“What happened?”
“I don’t know.”
“He’s just not here? Maybe he’s just late.”
“He walked here with me and said he would wait,” stresses JJ. “Because I have psychotic episodes, so I don’t always like to be alone.”
“Oh. And he’s just not here?”
“I think something might have happened.”
“Do the people inside know anything?”
“I don’t know how to ask.”
Theo blinks and then shakes his head at him in determination, beckoning JJ back inside the cafe and heading for the counter. He pulls his phone out and types rapidly into it before holding it boldly out towards the barista.
“Oh, okay,” she says, looking up at them. “No problem. What can I get you?”
Theo hands the phone to JJ, who carefully types out a message.
“Have you seen my brother Chase? He was in here waiting for me but I can’t find him. He looks a lot like me.”
“I think I actually do know who you mean,” says the girl, reading the message. “He was sitting in the window. You do look really alike!”
“Yes!” nods JJ.
“I think he left, sir. He was talking to a lady. I’m pretty sure they left together.”
He did go with someone. He could be in trouble! He could have been hypnotized on accident again. What if she makes him do something he doesn’t want to? Where is he? JJ’s heart burns against his chest and his stomach cramps. He translates for Theo numbly.
Theo’s signing back to him, looking angry now, and he hands the phone over to the barista one more time before sitting down with JJ at a table.
“I’m sorry, JJ,” he signs. “That was rude. We can walk to your place together, man.”
“No, Chase wouldn’t leave me behind,” insists JJ. “Something’s wrong.”
The barista brings something over to them, signing a warm ‘thank you!’ and Theo pushes a hot chocolate into JJ’s hands.
unpredictably-ghostly asked:
FUCK HANG ON hey JJ??? Or Marv? Someone with magical knowledge might be good rn, considering I think Chase is being hypnotised, or maybe drugged? He's at the cafe across from JJ's meetup, there's a blonde woman with him, gave the name Jenna, I think she's dangerous.
JJ’s scared now, and worse, Theo is there to see it. He tries desperately not to cry, clinging to that warm cup of hot chocolate, blinking away tears and breathing in slow, deliberate breaths.
Theo taps for attention. “Do you need to text someone?”
“Please.”
JJ pulls Stacy’s number from his memory, and when she answers right away, he thinks he could forgive her for everything she’s ever done.
“Stacy it’s JJ”
“Hi is everything okay?”
“Is Marvin with you?”
“Yeah making mirrors with his friends lol”
“Can he come meet me? I’m alone, I think something might be wrong”
“Are you home??”
“No. This cafe, Green House it’s called”
“He says he can come right over. Are you safe? Should I call police? Tell Jackie?”
“Not yet. Thank you.”
“Okay he’ll be right there.”
JJ wipes at his face, breathing out a shaky breath. Theo expresses a look of worry at him.
“My brother just has some problems with running off,” signs JJ, not knowing how to explain it. “Our big brother is coming to help me look.”
“I’ll wait here with you.”
“Don’t you need to get home?”
“No, I’ll stay. Don’t try to talk me out of it.”
JJ chuckles despite himself, taking a shaky sip of his chocolate. “Thank you.”
Theo gives an exaggerated “you’re welcome!” like a little bow, and he’s glad he’s there with him.
unpredictably-ghostly asked:
Thanks Theo, and it's great that you guys are onto this so quickly JJ! I'm sure you guys will be able to sort out whatever's happening.
“You have a camera with you but not a phone?”
“It’s a long story,” signs Jameson, grimacing at Theo. “I’m a little weird.”
Theo laughs. His laugh is not typical and he draws attention from others as the air wheezes out of him. But Jameson likes it. He likes to just… to just see Theo be Deaf in public. He doesn’t even glance around at the people looking.
“I like weird,” says Theo. “Don’t worry so much, JJ. Everyone’s weird.”
“Easier said than done,” admits JJ shyly.
“It’s just practice,” Theo tells him. “It really is. Day by day.”
Marvin comes pushing into the coffee shop in that moment and JJ lets out a shaky gasp of relief, rising just in time for Marvin to crash into him, gripping at his shoulders and his face.
“Are you okay? Oh, my darling. Where’s Chase, what’s going on?”
“The cameras saw a girl take Chase away,” Jameson manages, eyes getting hot again.
“Taking him?”
“They think he had a hypnosis trigger and he went with her instead of staying for me.” JJ pauses to grip at Marvin’s shirt, squeezing his eyes shut. “I don’t know if he’s okay. She could make him do things he doesn’t want to do.”
Marvin whirls on you. “Where did he go?”
“They would have told me if they knew.”
“Who’s this?”
“From my meeting. This is Theo. Theo, this is my sibling Marvin.”
Theo glances at Marvin, sipping his own drink coolly. “You always speak aloud to your brother?” he asks Marvin. “Don’t you speak sign?”
Marvin blinks. “Um. I guess we usually speak aloud. He can hear.”
“Yeah, I don’t lip-read,” replies Theo. “Try it again?”
Marvin looks at JJ in astonishment. “Your new friend is giving me sass,” he says, signing this time, and Theo grins.
“Well, you could sign with me sometimes,” says JJ, but he changes the subject just as quickly. “But Chase is in trouble!”
“How do we find him?”
“I don’t know!”
Marvin looks around the coffee shop like he’s expecting Chase to appear from behind a table. “He could be anywhere,” he mumbles. “She could - she could make him do anything.”
Anonymous asked:
Chase please be careful! Her blue eyes are triggering your old hypnosis! I don't think she's doing it intentionally, but you need to get out of there for now.
Blue eyes.
Hypnosis?
He blinks drowsily, his head swimming as he tries to focus on what you’re saying. He’s alone for a moment, a voice chattering at him from the other room. Glasses clink and he turns his head towards the buzz of the television, looking down to see a Nintendo controller on his lap and an empty glass of wine on the table in front of him. Did he drink? Wasn’t he… wasn’t he not going to do that anymore?
Where is he?
“And I was like terrified and laughing my ass off at the same time,” Jenna giggles, returning to the room with the bottle of wine. She fills her own glass and sits down beside him, close to his body. “Like, that has to be the worst way to ask a girl out - in a fucking silent study hall, with everyone looking at me! And then the next week he came back and ‘thanked me for my honesty,’ haha!”
He looks up at her and the world seems to steady around him again, at least a little, like he’s found his balance on a shaky ship. She smiles at him with those huge, vivid eyes. He can’t quite look away. She pushes some of her hair sweetly from her face at the attention, smiling at him with gleaming white teeth.
Bite. Blue eyes. You’re going to be a good boy for me, aren’t you, Trick?
“Want some more?” she asks, holding the bottle towards his glass.
“Um,” he manages, his stammer making his mouth feel sticky and frozen. “Um.”
No, he’s - he’s not supposed to, he said, he… blue eyes…
She giggles at him. That giggle, that little laugh. A little teasing now. Maybe a little too teasing. “Of course you do,” she says, filling his glass. She presses it into his hand. He takes it, staring at her. She clinks their glasses together and he drinks, his eyes fixed on her. When she settles down on the couch, her hand comes to rest on his thigh.
A wave of nerves rushes over him.
Trapped in bed. Hands roam over him, locking him in place. He wants to get up but he can’t. He can’t even ask to get up. No one is listening. Anti plays with Dapper while he’s unconscious, moving his body like a toy.
“Go on, then,” Jenna murmurs, her head resting on his shoulder. “Try the game out, yeah?”
Yeah. Of course. He’s… hypnosis? He’s…
Her hand rubs at his thigh. He picks up the Switch controller and moves his character, gnawing on his lip.
Something isn’t right.
Anonymous asked:
Chase no, you have to go back to Jameson! Remember that blue eyes are a trigger for your hypnosis, don't look her in the eye. Jameson needs you to walk him home so he feels safe, tell this girl that you need to head back for now and you can meet up at a later time.
Jameson!
“Shit!” gasps Chase, dropping the remote. “I’m - I was supposed to meet my brother!”
“Damn, you two must be close,” says Jenna. “I thought we decided it was okay to skip out on him? Just this once.”
Chase blinks. Did he decide that? Wait, but - “Jamie has a psychotic disorder and he’s only recently out of hospital. He’s still adjusting. Someone needs to be there with him.”
“Wasn’t he meeting friends or something? It didn’t sound like he was alone. You agreed before. Just settle down again, love.”
Love, she called him. He’s flushed all the way down to his neck. Her hand is warm on his thigh. A girl hasn’t been this close to him other than a hug from Stacy in a year. And she seems so nice. Her eyes are… so nice.
Her hand reaches up to brush across his cheek. He flinches just a little, staring at her. Then she’s kissing his mouth.
She curls her hands around his head and pulls him closer in. The strength seems to slide out of him. They kiss on the couch. His mouth knows where to go. She breathes against him. Her hands push at his chest.
Jameson?
But he did decide he was okay. He must have. She says it’s okay. Aren’t you going to be a good boy, Trick? It’s not your job to look after Jameson.
His head hurts. Her hands are soothing at the pain. Stroking at his scalp. She tastes nice.
“We - we - we need to - later,” he stammers. “My brother - ”
“Chase,” she says softly, smiling at him. “Look, I get that you’re nervous. But you don’t have to make excuses. I haven’t been exactly subtle today… I don’t usually bring guys home like this. But you looked so handsome sitting in the light, and then we just clicked… I feel like it’s meant to be, you know?”
Meant to be. He was handsome? They did click. They did. She’s so pretty.
“You’re shy, I get it,” she murmurs. “But just follow my lead. I can tell you want this.”
Does he?
Her hand slips under his shirt. He jumps.
Hands grabbing at him. He’s yanked back into bed. He cries for Dok. Shut the fuck up, Trick. Shut the fuck up.
He shakes beneath her hands.
“Calm down,” she says, kissing him again.
“Wait,” he stutters.
“You’re okay,” she murmurs. Her mouth silences him. “You’re fine. I know you like this. You do. Don’t you?”
“Yeah,” he chokes. But - but no, too. But he’s not supposed to say that. He’s not allowed to. Shut the fuck up, Trick.
No. No. I don’t want to shut the fuck up. Anti, you can’t do this to me.
You lie down and remember where you belong.
No. You’re dead. I don’t want… I’m… I’m free. I fought.
Blue eyes. Anti is laughing at him. Jenna giggles. Yeah, right.
Anonymous asked:
Marvin, JJ, he's at Jenna's house. She doesn't seem to understand he's hypnotized and thinks he wants to be intimate with her. Things are looking really scary. Is there any way to find him? JJ you could always go back in time and run across the street to him to separate them!
“Maybe we should do that,” says Marvin. “We can’t let Chase go through that. I need to get to him. JJ, are you up for that?”
“I was able to take Jackie back in time a few weeks ago,” says JJ. “I think maybe I could.”
“And tell this woman to back the fuck off my brother in the meantime,” snarls Marvin.
“What is going on?” asks Theo, glancing between them.
JJ flushes. He’s going to have to leave his meeting and no one from the group will remember him. But he can go again next week and try again. If that’s what it takes to save Chase, it’s well worth it, even if he has to go another week without Theo or Lisa or any of the friends he just made. That’s JJ’s job. To fix mistakes. To fix problems. He can do it.
crystalninjaphoenix asked:
JJ, you don't have to fix all mistakes. I mean, yes, time travel is helpful. But it's not good for you to try and fix everything for everyone else while not giving anything to yourself. We can't stop you if you want to rewind to fix this. It is a good idea, but not the only one. Just... whatever you decide, don't think of it as your job to fix everything. You're not there just for everyone else, but yourself too, okay?
Marvin stops, turning to look at JJ. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like that’s your job.”
“No, I know,” says JJ. “But it is and that’s okay.”
“No - no. Jay. Goddammit. I’m just scared for him.”
“Me too.”
“Is this something where we should call the Garda?” asks Theo.
“Do you think they could help?” asks JJ.
“They’ll just think Chase went home with some girl, won’t they? Maybe some of the other magicians can help. I’ll make a call, okay?”
scunneredzombie asked:
Is there any other way? Fixing mistakes isn't your job anymore Jay, you can try other options first. But if you or Marvin can't get to him any other way it might be the best plan.
“If no one else can help, I’ll do it proudly,” says JJ. “Okay?”
Marvin pats his cheek, pulling his phone to his ear. “We’ll find him, sugar, I promise. And Chase isn’t as fragile as he sometimes thinks he is. If you and him were able to fight off Anti even while trapped in that room just the two of you, you can do anything.”
Anonymous asked:
Don't lay and take it like you would've under Anti's control, Chase. You are free, you fought and he's dead. You can fight this off, you can break free. Marvin and JJ are panicking without you there. Tell her no! If she has any respect she'll listen if you revoke consent. You are allowed to say no, you are allowed to make your own choices and give or remove consent.
Yeah. Yeah. He did fight, didn’t he? You were there. You remember. What is he, some pet to be played with? He’s Trick. He’s Chase. He’s Jack’s motherfucking protagonist. He took care of Dapper when he was sick and saved Dok from the porch. He threw things at Anti to distract him from Red and Blue. He was strong. He fought through every ounce of power and manipulation Anti threw at him.
He can feel it in his head, the need to obey. He used to think it came from love for his brother. But now, with this girl he barely knows starting to lay him down on the couch, he can recognize the impulses that always drove him back to Anti’s side: fear of being abandoned and unwanted.
But he isn’t. He isn’t unwanted. And he doesn’t need some girl to make him feel loved with warm hands and a mouth on his own any more than he ever needed Anti to validate him.
Blue eyes.
Henrik has blue eyes too, meeting his own whenever he was scared. Jackie and Marvin have blue eyes, always looking out for him even when he messed up. And JJ, looking up at him with those huge blue eyes when Chase protected him from invaders and defended him from Anti. Because he might be the second youngest, but he is still JJ’s big brother. And he was supposed to be there for him. He said NO, and that he wanted to wait for his brother, and this girl dragged him home anyway.
“I don’t want to do this,” chokes Chase.
“We can slow down,” murmurs Jenna, stroking his hair. She leans in to kiss him. He pulls his head away, shaken.
“Why won’t you listen to me? Thank you, but no.”
“You’re shaking so much,” she says, scratching gently at his beard. “You’re just nervous. You were so loud at the coffee shop and then so quiet once we got here… I think you probably like it, huh? A girl bossing you around a little?”
She sits up on his lap, grinning at him. “That’s so cute. You’re all responsive.”
“You can’t assume that,” he says bitterly, tears rising in his eyes. “You just - what, I got nervous and you decided that was hot to you, huh? Decided I just needed you to push me? I’m a guy so I must want sex, right?”
“Calm down,” she protests, frowning now. “I was just - ”
“I want my little brother,” he says, and his voice breaks. His eyes rise with tears. “Holy shit. I don’t want your hands on me, I - I didn’t want alcohol - why weren’t you paying attention? Did I ever say yes to any of this other than letting you talk me into going home with you? Did you think that entitled you to anything else you wanted?”
“Chase - ”
“You don’t know how bad you just scared me,” he sobs, and she’s getting off him now, standing up and drawing away from him in alarm. “You have no idea the shit that I’ve been through.”
“Sweetheart, please don’t cry, I didn’t mean to - ”
“Like I’ve never been pinned down and forced to use my body in ways I didn’t want? Like I never woke up in bed with someone who was hurting me? Like he never crawled into bed beside me and I was sometimes scared that he might - that maybe he would - ”
“You don’t have to be so dramatic!” Jenna snaps, her face red with heat. “You were into me, don’t lie! I could feel you, you know.”
“And that means I wanted you to pressure me into sex?”
“Just get out of my apartment!” she yells, shoving his shoulder when he gets up. “What a freak! Maybe you shouldn’t be talking to girls if you’re damaged goods!”
“Maybe you shouldn’t be talking to guys if you don’t even care about whether they want to be with you or not!” he screams. “All you had to do was ask me yes or no, but you didn’t even bother once!”
She slaps him hard and he shouts, grabbing his jacket blindly and rushing out of the door, his heart pumping so hard it makes his ribs shudder in his chest. He can’t breathe through how angry he is. The sudden fear that she will follow him down the stairs and force him to do something he doesn’t want to consumes him like flame and he takes off at a sprint, racing down the street in a panic.
He just wants to go home. He just wants to go home and never, ever leave the house again. There are people around him, staring at the scene he’s creating, and he’s scared. His skin crawls.
“Jameson!” he screams, not knowing which way he’s come from or where he’s going now. “Jamie, where are you?”
Anonymous asked:
You fought Chase. You did and you've done it again, you are no ones pet or plaything. You are strong and you can find your way home now. JJ and Marvin are looking for you, you're not alone! Find a phone and give you guy's phone a call maybe? You've got this dude, you'll be okay.
He looks at you and reads the message and looks away again for a moment before seeming to break, grabbing at his chest and biting down hard on his quivering lip. He sinks onto a nearby bench, panting hard, and puts his head in his hands, crying.
“What’s wrong with me that it’s so hard for me to say no?” he sobs. “If I had told her right out she would have left me be, wouldn’t she? But that was wrong of her, what she just did. And it was wrong of Anti too, the way he treated me.”
He has a few minutes just to cry and try to breathe there on the bench, his jacket pulled tight around him. Most people are avoiding him with odd looks, but eventually a pair of girls in scrubs come over to him and greet him gently. He shies away from them, shaking, but their voices are gentle.
“Hi, sir, we just wanted to check if you’re okay?”
“We work at St. Vincent’s just down the street. Do you need to see a doctor?”
He wipes at his eyes, avoiding their gazes. “Um. Um. Is there any way - could I m-maybe - just borrow a phone?”
The girls exchange looks but comply, the taller one pulling out her phone and handing it to him. He manages to shakily dial Stacy’s number.
“Hello?”
“Stace?” he croaks out.
“Chase! Oh, thank God, thank God. Where are you? Are you safe? Chase, I can call the police?”
She’s panicked, but her voice is so warm and concerned he feels a little better just hearing from her. He sniffs and wipes at his snotty nose.
“No, m'okay. I just want to go home.”
“Where are you?”
“Close to a hospital, I guess. I don’t know. I don’t remember.” He looks up at the nurses. “Do you know if I’m close to a coffee shop called, um, Green House?”
They do know of the shop. They give him directions while he listens to Stacy just breathing on the other side of the line.
“I’m closer to home,” he croaks.
“I can call Marvin and JJ and tell them where you’re headed,” she tells him quickly. “But are you safe walking home?”
“I think so,” he mumbles, exhausted now. “I just want to be home. That’s all. That’s it.”
“Okay.” Her voice is deflated and scared for him. “Okay, I’ll tell JJ and Marv right away, yes?”
“Yeah… thank you.”
There’s a pause. He closes his eyes.
“Stacy?”
“Yes?”
“Do you think I’m pathetic?”
She’s quiet for a moment. He hears her shift.
“Chase,” she says. “There were times when I got angry at you, and times when you let me down. You’ve had to deal with your addiction again and again and sometimes I took it personally. You and I have both done stupid things, and mean things, and kind of pathetic things too, yeah. But I have never thought you were pathetic.”
He wipes at tears on his face, nodding.
“And Chase, the moment I saw you alive again, standing there with Henrik and trying to remember me… I knew that despite everything, I will always be proud that you are the father of my children.”
A sob leaves him. He nods, closing his eyes. The nurses are quiet beside him, waiting patiently.
“Anti caught you,” says Stacy. “But you never, ever let him catch us. And when you found your strength again, you came home to us.”
“Yes,” he whispers.
“I’m going to come check on you soon,” she says.
“Thank you.”
“Go home, love,” she says, and something catches in his throat. “I’ll tell your brothers. Everything’s going to be okay.”
scunneredzombie asked:
Stacy is right Chase, you're not pathetic. You are a fighter, a lover, a guard, a good brother. You make up for your mistakes and you care for your family in any way you can no matter the danger. You're so fucking strong and wonderful. Get home as soon as you can, and get rest, hug Henrik, and let yourself come down from this gently. Marvin and JJ are going to be there for you. You'll be okay, it'll all be okay.
Chase feels like he’s coming home in a haze, his face flushed and his nose running as he staggers back towards their apartment. He pulls his hoodie up over his head, understanding now why Jackie seems to find it so comforting, and just walks until his feet hurt.
By the time he’s at the door, Henrik has already yanked it open, reaching out his hands, and they fall together like opposite sides of a magnet, their hands meeting each other’s arms and holding on. Henrik doesn’t say anything. He looks at him. Big blue eyes.
Those eyes can’t hurt me, Chase thinks, even as a slight wave of dizziness hits him. Those eyes have never hurt me.
Henrik doesn’t say anything. He pulls Chase quietly into the apartment. There’s no noise. Chase knows that Jackie does not know what happened, or he would be out here no matter his injuries, frantic and angry. Henrik must have taken Stacy’s call on their cell phone.
Henrik opens his mouth to speak. Chase pushes past him and heads into their bedroom, getting into their nest and crawling under the blankets and clothes, hiding. His brother comes to settle down beside him, his sharp, soft breaths filling the silence.
He touches Chase’s cheek. Chase closes his eyes and leans into his warmth. They wrap around each other just a little. Not too tight. Hands on each other’s shoulders.
Henrik begins to rub the muscles of his neck and back. He’ll stay with him as long as he needs to. As he always has.
“Do you want to talk about it?” whispers Henrik.
Chase doesn’t answer. His eyes are closed.
“You were strong, mein zwilling,” says Henrik, touching his cheek. “You’re here.”
“I’m not going to take the job,” Chase says, voice tight. “We can stay right here. I don’t want to go out again.”
“Chase…”
Chase curls into him and falls silent, gripping the fabric of his tired old t-shirt.
Anonymous asked:
Chase, you should still take the job! Don't be scared of people or afraid to be free because of this incident, you're still free and allowed to be your own person. You were so excited about working, didn't you want to buy presents for your kids and be a provider in the household? You can still do those things. You're not pathetic or weak or anything of the sort. You deserve to do the things you want to do without fear or pain.
“Yes,” murmurs Henrik. “They’re right. You still have to take the job. You wanted to make money and - ”
“No! I can get a caretaker check for helping with JJ and that’s fine, that’s plenty! Jackie and Marvin will look after us and we can stay here!”
“Chase,” says Henrik. “You know that’s not what you want. You cannot live in fear. I won’t let that happen to you. You will take the job like you wanted. You have just had a scare.”
Chase cries against him, shaking under the sheets of their nest.
“You will get up tomorrow,” says Henrik firmly. “You and JJ will try going for coffee again.”
“No! I’m not leaving the house.”
“You’ll take the job and you’ll do wonderfully there, you will see. And you must visit the children tomorrow. They will want to see you.”
“Why are you talking like this?” demands Chase, face streaked in tears. “You never talk with this. Can’t you just - just hold on to me like you usually do?”
Henrik closes his eyes, taking a slow breath through his nose.
“In the old days, Chase,” he says, voice measured and quiet. “There was nothing we could do but hold on to each other. But we are no longer trapped. We do not have to wallow in our misery. We do not have to stay stuck.”
“But we could,” hiccups Chase, shaking his head. “We can stay right here. It doesn’t matter. The others would let us, they would. You can stop talking all determined because I fucking saw how you reacted earlier, Schneep. You don’t want me to take the job. You want to stay here too. We can just stay like this, you and me!”
“No,” says Henrik, shaking his head back at him. “No. It’s not just you and me anymore, Chase. We can have real relationships with our siblings. And what’s more, you have children! You must allow yourself to become a real father to them again. As for me… maybe it scared me at first, the thought of you going away. But I have sat here these last couple hours and thought of you.”
“Thought of me?” croaks Chase, caught off guard. “What do you mean?”
A small smile plays across Henrik’s face. He looks down at their blankets.
“I have thought of… I have thought of you in scrubs and white sneakers. Working with that determination you get in your face when someone is in trouble. Playing with kids in hospital, making even the miserable ones laugh again. I have thought of you holding my nephew and my niece and bringing them home for the week, for you to care for and love. I have thought of the pride in your face when you will get your nursing degree… of how good you have always been whenever any of us needed help… of how maybe one day you will fall in love and bring a sister home to me, to be a part of my family. How I would be your best man if you ever got married. How you could have a home of your own, and things of your own, and everything you ever wanted. How you will keep your sobriety chips in your pocket and learn to trust yourself again.”
Chase’s eyes drip. He bites his lip, staring at Henrik.
“Chase, I have thought about your future,” says Henrik, looking up at him with earnest, watering eyes. “And I have realized that while this little nest of blankets and dependency we have created for ourselves feels very safe, it is also very stagnant. What I want, Chase, is for you to have a chance to grow: to prove to yourself that you are the strong, talented, and loving man I have always known you to be.”
Chase chokes on a sob, shaking his head at his twin.
“Dok,” he whispers.
“I see the doubt in you,” Henrik answers quietly. “The doubt in yourself. But does anyone know you better than me, my brother?”
“No,” Chase swallows.
“So today you must trust me as you always have,” says Henrik softly. “And let me tell you that this future I am looking at - it is something that you are not only capable of reaching, but deeply deserving of.”
Chase’s eyes fill again and overflow. Henrik reaches out and they cling to each other, Chase shaking against his body, shaking his head.
“Chase?”
Chase and Henrik look up at the sound of the front door bursting open and Marvin and JJ hurrying towards them. Their own door opens a moment later and Marvin stares at Henrik, panting, while Chase hides under their blankets.
“Is he down there?” asks Marvin.
“Yes,” says Henrik. “He’ll be alright.”
“Oh, my amata,” pants Marvin.
“I don’t want to see him,” whimpers Chase.
“He just wants some alone time,” murmurs Henrik.
There’s a pause.
“JJ says he will reverse this for you,” says Henrik, touching Chase’s back. “That he can make it like it never happened.”
“No,” rasps Chase, suddenly angry again. “I want to remember it. I fought her off. I’m never letting anyone control me again.”
Henrik’s hand smooths down his back. “You’re okay,” he tells him softly. “You’re okay.”
Chase listens to Marvin and Henrik murmuring to each other, a part of him wishing everyone would just go away and leave him with Dok again. He hates that everyone knows. “Don’t tell Jackie,” he groans, and Henrik rubs his back reassuringly.
“Hey,” he says. “JJ says he’s not mad at you.”
Chase shifts under the covers. “He’s not?”
“No.”
Chase peeks out from the blankets to look at his brother. JJ tilts his head at him and gives him a smile.
And he’s fine. He not hurt. Plans changed and he adapted, found Marvin, tried to help Chase. He got home just fine.
“We can go get coffee another time,” says JJ, and he steps over and gives Chase a careful hug, knocking their heads together. Chase wipes at his face and hugs him back, lying down again as he pulls away.
“We’ll give you some space,” says Marvin, and when he reaches tentatively out for a hug, he gets one too. “Love you.”
“Love you.”
They back out of the room, closing the door behind them. Henrik smiles at Chase.
“See?” he says, patting his hand. “Everything will be okay.”
Chase wipes at his runny nose, sighing as he begins to come down from his panic. He stares at the ceiling and lets Henrik rub at his back.
“Maybe it’s time for me to acknowledge that the way Anti treated me and JJ was a little sexual,” mumbles Chase.
Henrik looks up at him carefully. His hand rests on his back.
“Chase,” he says. “Did Anti ever have sex with you?”
Chase shook his head. “Not unless he erased it from my brain. I don’t think so, though. It was just a power play for him. To have control over every part of me.”
Henrik shudders.
“He could have though, that’s the thing,” Chase continues. “Or with JJ. I don’t know. The way he would kind of… cling. Manipulate. Touch. For fuck’s sake, he put a collar on me once or twice. Forced us into his bed and would keep us there. I tried to see it as affection. I think he really warped that part of me. My view of affection and sex, of what’s brotherly, of what’s appropriate. He shouldn’t have ever treated us like that. Even if he hadn’t taught JJ that people touching him is dangerous, it’s no surprise that he gets freaked out like that when Anti never gave him any autonomy over his body. So that girl started feeling me up and I just… froze. I wanted it to be affection. She was beautiful and it felt nice. But it’s not affection if you can’t say no.”
“You can say no now,” says Henrik, patting his arm. “No one will touch you like that again if you don’t want.”
Chase smiles weakly at him. “We are a little warped, though, huh? All of us?”
“Yes,” says Henrik, brushing his fingers across his own scars. “Yes. But we are all trying to recover. You were very brave today, my brother. And you will be again tomorrow.”
“You really think that? That I can get back to functioning… almost normally? That I can be a good dad and a good worker and be proud of myself again?”
“Yes,” says Henrik. “And you are already a good dad. We just can’t let the scary parts stop us.”
Chase nods, staring up at the ceiling. They lie together for a long time.
“Henrik?”
“Yes?”
“I think we need to stop sharing a bed.”
His twin pauses beside him.
“Yes,” says Henrik heavily. “Yes, I think you’re right.”
Anonymous asked:
I strongly believe Anti's behaviour towards you could be called grooming. All about control, gaining victim's trust, fulfilling a need, using familiar things and feeling to draw them in, isolating the victim, forced criminality, giving gifts like clothes and food, all with the end goal of abuse.
Chase’s eyes water up again. He nods and then slides forward, hiding against Henrik’s chest.
“I remember when you all had to talk me out of his control,” Henrik chuckles humorlessly, his eyes faraway. “With the magicians in Peru. He really did just about everything fucked up to us he could, didn’t he? Separating us from each other and from society. Taking control of whether we got things like food or warmth, but making it Red’s fault if we didn’t. Making us all scared to go to jail, telling JJ he’d be sent to a psych ward for the rest of his life, or homeless. That we wouldn’t be able to survive without him. Or just straight-up beating the hell out of us. The fact that we couldn’t see it…”
“No,” Chase interrupts him roughly. “The fact that we fought him off and escaped is what’s surprising.”
Henrik closes his eyes and hugs him tight.
“We can still share a room for a while, right, Chase?”
“Yeah. Yes. We’ll go slow.”
“And we can sometimes… kind of… kind of cuddle?”
Chase laughs breathlessly. “Yes. Of course.”
They share a look, faces tired and warm. Henrik touches his cheek.
“We need to start fixing our boundaries a little,” says Chase. “But you’re always going to be my best friend. Especially since nobody really understands the shit he put us through like each other.”
Anonymous asked:
Not sharing a bed is a good first step guys! You can still share the bedroom if you want, just to take this in small steps. Co dependent behaviour is really really hard to unlearn, but I believe you guys can do it. To recover you need to learn self-compassion, get to know yourself as your own person. Learn to set boundaries with each other, not in the sense that they'd hurt you, but in the sense that you're your own person with needs and wants of your own.
“Yeah, we have some options about the bedroom, don’t we?”
“Could maybe stay here in the apartment room together most of the time. But when the kids come, you can stay with them in a room in the mirror house.”
“Yeah.”
“Actually have a place for them to stay, and even a little space from the rest of us, sometimes.”
“Right. But they can see their uncles as well. Won’t bother me.”
Henrik leans back, grinning at him. “It’s strange, isn’t it? A few months ago I could not imagine even being friends with anyone but you. Then I got to meet the magicians in Peru, and then had a chance to get closer to the others. And now, we’re safe enough we don’t have to spend all night hiding together.”
Chase smiles back.
“Marvin said, too, that you could get in touch with the magicians in Peru sometime.”
“Oh. Did he?”
“I think it’d be good for you.”
Henrik looks up at the ceiling, thinking. “Shit. I could actually tell them that… that I’m free. That they helped save me.”
Chase looks at his twin, and he understands what Henrik means about thinking about his future. About seeing him happier. He might get a little nervous not being close to him at night, but… yes. It’s a good first step.
Anonymous asked:
You, all of you, are still just as worthy of love, joy, and care as you were before your trauma. Don't forget that.
“Right,” they say, meeting each other’s gazes, because when you’re looking at your twin, those words are always true.
“Everything’s going to be wonderful,” says Henrik, reaching out to touch Chase’s cheek. “I know today was hard, and that things will take time. But in the end, it will all be worth it. Even now, I’m proud of you. I’m glad you will take that job. An ER receptionist - everyone will know how tough you are then. How fearless.”
Chase snorts, looking away with a little red in his face. “You’re my biggest fan, man. Too good for me.”
“No,” says Henrik, frowning. “Like I said, I just know you well.”
Chase smiles. “Well, what about you, Deutsch?”
“What about me?”
“You deserve good things too,” says Chase. “What are you planning to do next?”
Henrik’s smile flickers. “Oh. I think just seeing you do well - I think that would be enough for me.”
“Ah, but Dok, that’s not the point, right?” Chase grabs his hand. “Hey, look at me. Aren’t we working on not being co-dependent?”
“So, what, I can’t be happy for you?”
“You can. You just also need to be doing shit to make yourself happy.”
Henrik won’t look at him. “I don’t know, Chase. I don’t think there’s much for me now.”
Chase’s eyes flicker. “What? What’s that mean?”
Henrik rubs at his head. “What am I going to do, Chase? I can’t be a surgeon anymore. I’m scared of blood. My hands shake. I have break-downs.”
“Schneep, you don’t have to be a surgeon. Do you even remember that?”
Henrik shakes his head, his eyes sliding shut. “Only being Anti’s surgeon.”
Chase bites back a shiver. They both remember some of the shit Dok used to have to do all too well. Anti called it surgery. The rest of them knew it was torture. That was when Henrik first started having his shut-downs, where he would stop being present, and would drift away in his head, silent. After that, Anti got bored of him again.
“You shouldn’t do that anymore, then,” says Chase strongly. “I know it was your old job, but I think it would be bad for you. You don’t have to do that. You can do anything you want!”
Schneep sighs. “I want to be a normal doctor again.”
“Well, I want to be a normal dad again, but that’s not going to happen without some trying, is it?”
“Oh, now I am the one getting lectured.”
Chase rolls over, leaning over him.
“Henrik,” he says. “I know you’re going to do fucking amazing things with your life. You’re literally a genius.”
“Oh, don’t be silly.”
“Yeah, you are, man, and you can do whatever you want. Just… think about it, okay? If you really want to go back to doctoring, we can work on it, you’ll just need a lot of help to heal, you know? But you can do anything. You could be musician, you could get involved with medicine without being an actual doctor, you could fucking move back to Peru and find ways to help out those people on the mountain. Whatever you want! Just don’t give up on yourself.”
Noodle is pushing his way through the door, heading over to them with a mewl. Chase picks him up and holds him over Henrik, pushing their faces together. “Look into his eyes! Look, he says you’re perfect.”
Henrik is laughing, pushing at Noodle. “Shut the fuck up. You’re such a dork.”
“You’re as worthy of anything as you always were,” says Chase, settling Noodle on Henrik’s chest and smiling at him. “Don’t let your dumb genius brain tell you otherwise. That’s my brother you’re talking about.”
Henrik smiles shyly. “I could really do whatever?”
“You could really, yeah.”
“What if I can’t?” asks Henrik quietly. “What if I have too many breakdowns to work? What if I’m just stuck here forever?”
“Schneep,” says Chase, touching his hand. “Even if you had never woken up from that haze you were in, I would have loved you all the same. And it would never change the fact that you are both deserving and capable of happiness.”
Henrik hums, closing his eyes. Chase settles against his side, and, in the middle of them, Noodle is purring like wild, his eyes closed, vibrating.
It’s late now and the light outside is low. The apartment is warm and safe and quiet.
They’re okay.
They will be okay.
Better even, Chase thinks, setting his head down against Henrik’s arm. We’re going to be better than okay. We’re going to be happy.
Right there, in that moment, despite everything, he realizes he already is.
“We’re going to stop sharing a bed, though,” mumbles Henrik, when they’re both starting to drift off.
“Mmmh,” hums Chase, hugging Noodle against him. “We’ll start tomorrow.”
He hears Henrik laughing. It’s a good sound. On the windowsill above them, the caterpillar from the bus station is crawling out of its cocoon.
Chase reconnects with his daughter. Jackie deals with some feelings, but doesn't handle their aftermath well, and ends up getting hurt. Masterlist
Tws for self-hatred, past abuse, violence, blood, and fighting. Tws may not be completely exhaustive - keep in mind the heaviness of the fic and look out for yourself.
Thank you to @lehhoh7822 for taking the time to compile this book!
.
She sits on the grass on the other side of the pond, avoiding his gaze.
“You sure?”
“She’s ready,” Stacy encourages, putting her hand on Chase’s arm. “Just… give her space if she gets upset.”
Chase nods resolutely, straightening up. He steps away from Stacy and moves towards his daughter.
“Can I sit down with you?” he asks, standing beside her.
She doesn’t answer. Her eyes flicker over to him. He sinks down into the grass, folding his knees up as he sits beside her.
“Izzy,” he says softly. “I’m really sorry I went away.”
Izzy sniffles. She has Stacy’s dark hair and eyes, but her face is more like Chase’s - and so are her sticking-out ears. He smiles down at her despite the seriousness of the situation. She has a little yellow soccer jersey on and light-up shoes. He wishes he knew how to express to her that two months ago he would have died just for the chance to see this little girl even once - and now, how excruciatingly wonderful it is that he can see her and her brother without any price but his heart.
“Why don’t you remember me, Daddy?” asks Izzy, hiccuping with sobs. “You’re my Papa.”
“Anti really hurt my head,” says Chase quietly, because she is old enough not to be lied to. “And I got very confused and upset, and I couldn’t remember who I was or where you were. I was really unhappy because I was missing you, but I still couldn’t remember. I had to try really hard for a really long time to remember anything at all. But Izzy, even when I was really sad, when I would have dreams of you and Hunter… they made me happy again. Because I knew you were somewhere in the world, and I knew Anti didn’t have you. And he never will, Zig-Zag. He’s never going to get any of us again.”
“Did Anti hurt you, Dad?” asks Izzy.
Chase frowns, scooting so that they are facing each other, sitting together on the grass. “Anti did hurt me and your uncles,” he says. “And sometimes, I’m still really sad from the things that he did to me. I’m really sad that I lost more than a year when I could have been here being your Papa. But now that he’s gone, I get a chance to be happier and not get hurt anymore.”
Izzy plays with one of Hunter’s toy trucks in the grass, wiping at her snotty face as she considers this.
“And if you’d give me one,” says Chase. “I would really like to have a chance to be a good Papa to you again too. Because even though I still get sad sometimes, I will do anything to make sure that you are happy - and that you never have to lose your Dad like that again. Izzy. I love you so much. Look at me, Zig-Zag.”
Her eyes look up at him. He touches her little hand and is nearly shocked out of his focus - her skin buzzes, just a little, just like Anti’s used to. And he wonders if this was one of the reasons he let his monster hold him so many times: because even then, even at his worst, he was looking for his child.
“You and Hunter are the most important people in the world to me,” he whispers. “And I am never letting anyone take me from you again.”
“You’re going to be happy again, Dad? You’re not going to go?”
“I’m not going to go,” says Chase. “And now that I’ve find you, I have the greatest reason in the world to be happy again.”
Izzy cries silent tears, looking up at him with her mouth pinched and trembling. He touches her face.
“I love you too, Daddy,” she says, and she reaches out for a hug.
Chase pulls his child to his heart. That is where she will stay for the rest of his life.
Something crashes into him from behind and he lets out a bark of a laugh as Hunter clambers onto his back, squeezing his neck so hard he can barely breathe. He clutches them both to his body and drops down into the grass, making them squeal with laughter as he pins and kisses them, clutching at their heads and blowing raspberries into their stomachs. And in the laughter of his children and the warm apple smell of their shampoo and the heat of the sun on their soft hair, he can see and hear and feel the whole of his future - and for the first time in his life, he is not scared of anything that is to come.
His name is Chase. His future is bright and beautiful, and he is looking forward to every goddamn second of it.
Anonymous asked:
Should Chase stay with the magicians too for a bit so he doesn't have to separate from Hunter? Just a suggestion! Poor kid seems really scared of being away from him again.
“Well, what do we think about that?” asks Marvin, taking a sip from his drink. Stacy offered to get them lunch. Then Jackie got defensive about JJ not being around too many people, and then JJ got a little sulky, so Henrik defended him and Marvin pointed out that Jackie just doesn’t like Stacy, and then everybody squabbled a little, and now they’re at a restaurant with a quiet patio so everybody’s relatively happy.
“I don’t want to overwhelm the kids,” worries Stacy.
“They’re latched onto him like a limpet,” Henrik points out, grinning. Chase does have both the kids on his lap, sharing his fries with them and letting them smear ketchup on his face and then laugh at him.
“Yeah, but Chase wouldn’t be living with us long-term,” Stacy points out. “I don’t want to raise their expectations. Mum and Dad are still separated. What if they get separation anxiety when he leaves to go home? Or when we have to go back to Sweden?”
“I’ll make more mirrors,” promises Marvin. “We can visit anytime. It’ll be no problem.”
“Thank you,” says Stacy fondly. Then she gives Marvin a smack on the arm. “Now eat your food, you’ve barely touched anything but your water.”
“Okay, okay! Sheesh.”
Jackie glowers at his sister-in-law from across the table, somehow managing to make drinking orange soda look menacing.
“Chase can be a little attached to Henrik anyway,” Marvin mumbles under his breath. “Schneep, how are you two doing with the co-dependence?”
“We are not co-dependent!”
“You sleep cuddled up together and wear each other’s clothes.”
Henrik grumbles. “I would be okay for one night. Maybe, um, sleep with JJ instead… room is dark.”
“We’re all a little co-dependent,” admits Marv. “It’s not a shame, it’s how we got through all of this. But is Chase able to spend a night away from you?”
“I’d be willing to try it,” says Chase, grinning a little nervously. “For these two.” He lands kisses in their hair. “But it’s up to you, Stace. I’m still a little, um. Unstable sometimes.”
“Maybe we could try a weekend instead,” says Stacy. “Just to make sure they understand Dad’s not moving in and not entirely ready to have sleepovers at his place.”
“Kids, you understand if Dad isn’t moving in, right?” asks Chase, putting a hand on Izzy’s hair.
“Will you come see me again tomorrow, though?” squeaks Hunter, gripping Dad’s arm tight.
“Yes, baby, every day I can. And Mum has a phone so she can call us anytime if something happens, okay?”
Hunter slurps on a ginger ale, thinking. “Okay, Daddy. Will you call me to read me to sleep?”
“Sure, pumpkin.”
“Okay. And Izzy?”
“I know, Dad,” says Izzy seriously. “Sometimes we can’t see you when you’re having a tough time.”
He chuckles and kisses her hair again. “I’m okay. Just gotta take things slow. For me, too, cause I get overwhelmed.”
Anonymous asked:
I'm so happy for you Chase! Things are really coming together, I hope you enjoy every single moment with your kids. You're all making so much progress! Us cameras told you things would slowly get better if you kept fighting for your freedom and happiness. I'm so proud, for all the hopeless times you didn't give up through, and for beating the monster who ruled you. Gosh, you guys are free! It still feels impossible to believe!
“It is kind of wild, isn’t it?” chuckles Chase, just looking around. They’re just sitting at a nice restaurant - out in the open, able to buy food from a real place, with no fear of someone trying to hurt them or punish them. There’s no pain waiting at home. He can see his family again - here, alive, on his lap and smiling. Marvin looks more like himself, Henrik is talking, JJ’s breakdowns feel rarer and rarer each day, and Jackie’s not lunging across the table to choke-hold Chase’s ex-wife for touching his twin. That’s progress. It’s… stuff he never even dreamed of when he was with Anti.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Henrik has a hand on his arm. “Chase. Do you need a break?”
He realizes he might be crying a little. He wipes quickly at his face, laughing. “No. I’m okay. I’m… good. I’m really good.”
Izzy looks up at him seriously. He smiles down at her and she raises her hand to put her fingers in the hair of his nape, soothing him. He bends to knock their heads together and she holds on to him.
Anonymous asked:
Jj, how are you doing? You're in public, you get to see and be with your family, and you're not ever going to be a prisoner again. You must be absolutely chuffed if not a bit anxious.
“Splendid, good chap, I’m mighty chuffed - ”
“No! No, don’t get him started on that!”
“Jolly good time, innit?”
“You can’t spell out the word ‘innit,’ you little bastard - ”
“Brilliant, really, I’m positively scuppered to be - ”
Jackie puts an arm around his neck and pins JJ to the table, making him whistle in protest and laugh. Jackie rolls his eyes and lets him go after a minute, grinning despite himself to see JJ laughing.
“You’re feeling okay?”
“I’m pretty good today,” says JJ. “Lately, not too bad. I’m lucky to be the sort of person who can function with schizophrenia quite well when medicated. I still have some problems with the negative symptoms - the depression sometimes, the lack of interest in other people. And with my trauma I am still scared of people touching me, and I know that when I get triggered I go right back to playing pet or sometimes being violent… but I feel safe most of the time lately.”
“Do you think you could live like this for a while, then?” asks Jackie hopefully. “We’ll rebuild the house in the woods and you can settle down and be alright.”
JJ chuckles, glancing down. “Well… yes, I think I’d be alright. But the only thing is… I am a little aimless.”
“Aimless?”
“Jackie, I do miss England. I like living here just fine, but I am sort of homesick. I just stay in the apartment all day unless one of you takes me on a walk or something. I’m not a part of anything outside of this family. It’s hard for me to communicate with other people. Between the reaction to strangers, the mutism, and the schizophrenia… I don’t know if I should hope for anything more than coping for the rest of my life. I’m just sort of - sort of used up, I guess.”
Jackie blinks, startled by the admission. “JJ, that’s not true. What do you want to do? You can have whatever you want!”
JJ chuckles. “I don’t know. I’m not sure what I want or if it would even be worth hoping for. Sort of sounds nice having a job I like. Having some friends.”
Jackie’s stomach tightens. He wants to be away from him all day? Alone without brothers there if he gets freaked out or sick? Who’s going to translate for him? Who’s going to take care of him if he starts hallucinating or becomes delusional? What if he gets violent, what then?
“Um, well, think on it a little more, yeah?” he offers. “Maybe in the meantime your job can be helping me fix up the house.”
JJ smiles. “That sounds good.”
“Good.” Jackie pats his shoulder. “That’s good.”
Anonymous asked:
Don't baby JJ, please Jackie. He's a functioning adult who can talk for himself and take care of himself. If he wants a job I think it would be good for him, putting himself out there and healing. Just don't let your protective nature suffocate him.
Jackie drums his fingers against the table, trying not to go through a thousand things that could go wrong if JJ was alone. Fuck, he knows he can’t just keep them all in the apartment, he knows that - but there’s so many bad things that can happen.
He told him directly to his face the other day that he has trouble respecting him as an adult. That was mean. What was he even thinking? He has to be more supportive. He knows. If he doesn’t always feel it, he’ll fake it until it’s true. That’s what his siblings are trying to tell him, he thinks - that he can’t make them happy and they can’t make him happy.
But that sucks when all he wants is to make them happy!
“Maybe work with some animals,” JJ continues, eating his fish and chips. “I love little animals and Anti never let me have any.”
Jackie tries not to overturn the table with how hard his knee is bouncing against it. “That would be really good, Jameson,” he manages. “You’d be good at it.”
JJ smiles at him. “You think?”
No. Stay home and you can have any pets you want. He’ll buy him a whole ostrich farm if he wants.
“Yeah, I do.”
“Actually,” pipes up Chase on the other side of the table. “Now that Henrik’s doing better, I’ve been thinking a lot about getting a job too.”
Holy shit, they’re all trying to kill him.
Anonymous asked:
You do make them happy Jackie, but their happiness shouldn't come only from you. You need to let them branch out and do things on their own. You already know you can't keep them in the house 24/7, that's a start. Work on your paranoia and try to be less anxious. Please chat with a therapist about it, yeah? You're paranoid and anxious because of rules Anti drove into you about keeping them safe, but try and know that they can keep themselves safe too.
“Knowing facts doesn’t really make things better,” rumbles Jackie, rocking in his chair. “Still feels bad!”
JJ has his hand on his arm by now, trying to ground him. “Hey, hey. Jackie. Need a break?”
“No, I don’t need a break.”
“Jackie, loud voice.”
“Sorry.”
JJ squeezes his arms around his shoulders until Jackie is a little more calm.
“Therapist would be a good idea, Jackie,” says JJ, brushing a bit of hair from his eyes. “You could go see someone who isn’t just a talk therapist. Marvin’s going to therapy, right, Marvin?”
Marvin flushes a little, but he nods. “Right… yeah. I’ll go again next week.”
“I can’t really think about that right now,” says Jackie, too loud again. “Ask me later.”
“Okay.”
Anonymous asked:
Jackie, what's wrong? Too much change all at once?
“Yeah, oh, imagine that,” he growls under his breath. “Maybe we don’t have to talk about JJ and Chase getting jobs and wanting to see England and Marvin not coming home and staying with strangers and how I need to change and going back to therapy and Chase having a family outside of us and some girl I don’t even know touching my twin and paying for lunch cause I can’t and - ”
“Jackie. Jackie.” JJ pulls his attention to him. “You’re okay.”
The anger and fear and frustration boil under his skin. He wants to shake JJ and yell that he’s not okay and that JJ can’t go. But he doesn’t. Especially not in front of the kids. He bites on his tongue and rocks until the chair is rocking off its front legs with him. JJ holds him steady and doesn’t let the chair fall, patient.
“We can go home,” he signs.
“Not going home,” says Jackie.
“Okay. Just, if you need to - ”
“I don’t need to!”
“Okay.” JJ reaches out to pull Jackie’s hood up over his head. The sun lessens. It’s a little better. JJ is patting his hand heavily, almost striking him, a soothing drum against his wrist. “We’ll be done eating and can go home in a few, yes?”
“Yes,” mumbles Jackie. “Okay.”
They do finish eating soon, but everyone is talking so much they end up staying a while longer. The kids are chatting at Dad about everything they’ve been up to and turning to their uncles sometimes too, shyly reconnecting, even trying out timid, broken sign language their mother has been trying to teach them for Uncle JJ. Chase has his babies on his lap and his partner at his side, and don’t they look like a happy nuclear family? Everyone chats. Stacy chats. Stacy talks to all his brothers like nothing is wrong, and Jackie gets a vindictive sort of joy when JJ is shy of her, or maybe still a little unforgiving of the past. He hunkers down beside Jackie instead of engaging with her. Jackie puts a possessive arm around his baby brother. He feels like his only anchor right now - but even he is talking about leaving.
Which should be a good thing! Jackie knows that. When did he lose the ability to picture him being safe on his own? JJ’s kicked his ass in the past, but somehow Jackie still sees everyone hurting him. Maybe he spent so long separated from him, hearing him crying and scratching at the door of his room, that he just got used to thinking his baby brother was alone and in pain. Or maybe he really is just letting his anxiety eat him alive. Maybe he’s just seen all of them get beat one too many times.
They go home and Jackie closes himself into his room, listening as his youngest brothers play games and let Chase talk for hours about his kids and everything he envisions for them. Jackie feels a wave of guilt that he’s being such a sour grape - but more than that is the humiliation of knowing that out of everyone, he is the only one who does not seem to be moving forward.
When his brothers go to sleep that night all distraction fades from the house. The darkness of his room closes in on him. He sees the little black sound booth where he works and the dying swan girl in her ballet shoes on the stage, separated from her lover forever. He sees the cold concrete basement of the house in Norway, and Marvin sprinting down the beach away from him, leaving Jackie behind, bleeding out on the floor, as his siblings all vanished around him. He watches Max crumple in the graveyard - and he turns his back on him, and goes back to his monster.
Jackie feels something simmering beneath his flesh. He wipes hot tears from his eyes. There is something inside his body that could snap in half like a tongue depressor if he let it. There is something there that could collapse like a burned bedroom in the attic of a house abandoned in the woods. He’s everywhere and nowhere. Alone and surrounded by everyone who hates him. By everyone he’s killed.
He sits on his bed in the dark.
“How predictable,” comes a drawling voice behind him, and Jackie freezes stiff, fists clenching together. “I always knew you would find your way here. Jack’s little hero, breaking down like a child… you’re pathetic, Red.”
“Don’t you nightmare about me every night?” asks Anti smugly, circling the bed. There is nothing in the darkness but his eyes, green as venom, and a faint outline. “Don’t I still haunt you, even dead? Poor widdle Roser. If only you hadn’t been so afraid, maybe you could have killed off my memory instead of letting your little brother do it for you.”
“I forced Dark to give Blue his magic back,” snarls Jackie. “I burned you down with light when you were out of control in the forest. I am still a warrior.”
“You’re a little boy,” laughs Anti. “Just my little killer. And now, without anybody to direct you, you’re nothing at all.”
“Shut the fuck up. I’m still their big brother.”
“They don’t even need you, Red.”
“I’m Jackie.”
“Some hero. You know that the moment you let yourself feel anything other than anger, you’re going to have a tantrum like a toddler.”
“Shut the fuck up.”
“I used to have to beat you to unconsciousness when you exploded like that. Kicking and screaming and sobbing like a baby for someone to come save you.”
“You are dead. Go away.”
“I ought to do it again.” There’s a glimmer in the darkness and Jackie shrinks back on himself as he recognizes old torture devices he had almost forgotten, from when Anti was first breaking him in. “See you writhing and chewing your fingers for comfort again.”
“You leave me alone,” says Jackie, rocking himself and closing his eyes. “I’m going to wake up now. I’m going to wake up.”
“Come on, Jackie. Why don’t you admit you’re just an out-of-control baby with temper problems and too much strength for him to hold back? No wonder everyone is giving up on you.”
“I’m going to wake up. I’m going to wake up!”
“Oh, no, darling. This isn’t a nightmare. You’re mine now, Bloodred.”
Anti is on top of him and the sharp sting of a whip comes down directly on Jackie’s face, making him scream aloud, blood flooding down his face. He’s chained to a bed, tied up in barbed wire, wailing as it cuts into him. In the corner, Dapper is tied up by the throat, slumped against the wall, unable to do anything but watch with dead eyes. Jackie howls for him even though he knows he can’t help. Anti crushes Jackie’s nose with the heel of his boot and whips him again.
Anti’s yelling about something he doesn’t remember, some failure of his mixed with Red being loud, Red being annoying, Red being intolerable. His little brother is sick in the corner. Why can’t he save him? Why can’t he get up? He’s stuck under Anti’s feet as the blows come down. If he just holds still, maybe he can avoid something worse than getting whipped. Why won’t anybody come help him? What did he do? Anti turns to Dapper and Red screams for his attention, kicking at him to re-ignite his fury, to turn him away from his brother. And as the leather comes down on him again, Jackie recognizes something he no longer has - the comfort of being needed, desperately, by the whole rest of his family. The single relief for his heart in those times: the chance to protect them. The lone joy of being able to be a hero to them.
“I’ll beat you to death and make him bring you back again!” screams Anti, throwing aside the whip to straddle Jackie and draw his fist back, striking him again and again. “I’ll make you beg for mercy like the useless little bitch you are! You’re pathetic, Jackie! You’re pathetic! No wonder no one - fucking - wants you!”
Anti buries his teeth in Red’s throat.
Jackie wakes up screaming and tearing at his bedsheets, sobbing and ripping holes into the cloth. He cries like wild, tugging his hoodie close to his body and chewing on the strings of his hood.
If Blue were here, he could hold on to him, and he would rub his back and whisper reassurances to him. Squish him to his body and stroke his hair. But Blue isn’t here. Blue got sick of him. The fighting and the nightmares and the - the - the stuckness of Jackie, the obsessions and stubborn immobility, the terrified refusal to acknowledge everything that’s wrong. Jackie weeps into his pillow, shaking with an emotion too big to identify. All he knows is he wants to hit something. Hit everything. He screams and strikes his pillow once, twice. He strikes himself, hitting his head with his open palm as hard as he can. He tears out of bed, stalking around his room, grinding his teeth and trying to make the tears stop. How many nights in a row has Anti tortured him? Screamed at him? Told him how useless he is? Why won’t it ever stop?
“Pathetic!” he shrieks. “I’m not pathetic! And I - hero! Heroism, I’ll show you, fucking - ah!”
He screams, striking the wall with his fist. Fury and hatred like it’s the only thing left in him boils against his bones.
Jackie sinks to his knees, heaving.
“Look at me,” he chokes into the darkness. “I can’t… I can’t… I want…”
He wants to break in half.
He wants to go crying to his brothers and ask for help.
But he doesn’t.
He doesn’t.
After long minutes, Jackie drags himself to his feet, shaking.
“Pathetic,” he growls. “Yeah, we’ll see. We’ll see.”
He pulls his sneakers on and opens the door to the apartment. The hot night air rushes over him in a swirl of wind. He draws his hood down low, over his eyes.
There’s something burning under his skin. Only one way to get it out.
Anonymous asked:
Jackie please tell me you're just going for a run, not going to get in more fights....
“If you don’t want to come,” he says, pulling his hood up, “then don’t.”
Anonymous asked:
No, we want to come. You need someone to tell your brothers if you get hurt. This is a bad idea though JBM. You could get arrested or worse. Just be cautious.
“Well, wouldn’t that just be a treat for everyone,” he mutters, feeling sorry for himself. Something skitters in the street behind him and he whirls around, alert, but nothing’s there.
“Whatever. I’m not even out for a fight. Just - someone might need help.”
He always seems to find someone who needs the violent sort of help when he’s angry.
Anonymous asked:
Marvin, Jackie is about go go get into fights again. Can you call or text him something, or maybe go to him? I know it's late but I'm scared for him. He needs someone to be rational with him.
Marvin’s in bed in the guest room of one of his magician friend’s houses. He stirs sleepily, grappling at the camera on the bedside drawer like his phone is going off, and reads the message distantly, not entirely sure if he’s dreaming or not. He flops back into bed, exhausted. Is it better to go to Jackie and comfort and help him, or is there a point at which he has to start letting Jackie deal with this on his own? He doesn’t even know where Jackie is right now. He’s drifting back to sleep as he considers his options.
Anonymous asked:
Jackie you know Anti was lying all those times. He lied and broke you down because he was scared of you. You beat him into dust once, and you can do it to his memory again. You are strong and capable and your family will always need you, even in the smallest ways they need you to be a protector and provider and big brother. Them having more freedom doesn't undermine that fact. You need to let this anger out, that burning feeling inside. It's OK to break in two. It's OK to go to your brothers for help. It doesn't make you weak or pathetic or anything that monster called you.
Jackie trudges down the street, hands stuffed in his hoodie pocket and eyes on the pavement. In his head, he knows he beat Anti and that his brother was scared of him for good reasons - but why doesn’t that make the memory of Anti go away? He’s dreamed of him for months now. The nightmares did not change at all when he died. In his head, he’s still so real, and Jackie is still so powerless.
He wants his siblings to need him. So they’ll stay. But aren’t they all learning to protect and provide for themselves? What then? What if they want to move out? What happens when they realize how broken he is and how useless?
A girl scurries past him, catching his eye. She’s clutching her purse close to her and walking rapidly, eyes downcast. Her keys are held tightly between her fingers.
Jackie’s eyes narrow at the sight of a man in a big grey coat pacing a few meters behind her. He draws back into an alleyway and waits for the man to pass him.
Anonymous asked:
Your brothers being able to take care of themselves doesn't make you useless or weak, Jackie. Your life cannot revolve solely around taking care of them. That's why Marvin was asking if you had done anything for yourself at all. You're co-dependent, Jackie. You rely on them to make you feel needed. You need to learn how to live with just yourself again, need to learn to be just 'Jackie', not always 'Jackie the big brother'. I believe you can do it, you are strong enough, brave enough.
Live with just himself? That sounds awful. He doesn’t even like himself.
Which is probably fucked up, he realizes a moment later. But what is he supposed to do? He looks down at his hands and remembers leaving bruises on his younger brothers and digging garbage out of the trash to find something to eat. He sees his face and remembers how Max looked at him before he left him splayed out on the ground, abandoned. His failures seem to follow him everywhere he goes.
Co-dependent… he’s the one who will provide for them. That’s not dependency. Right?
A rock skitters on the pavement behind him.
Speaking of following him.
He whirls around, and this time, he is able to catch a flash of a dark figure darting into the alleyway before everything falls silent again.
Jackie stares into the darkness.
He creeps forward, hands raised, and waits for someone to jump out at him.
Instead, he comes fully around the corner of the alleyway, and there, a little pink in the cheeks -
“Dammit, Jameson!”
“Hi, Jackie,” signs his little brother cheerfully. “You seemed mad.”
“Did you follow me from the apartment?”
“I felt like something bad was going to happen,” complains JJ, and he does make puppy-dog-eyes, but Jackie’s pretty sure he’s just being a cute little shit on purpose, not actually getting into a bad headspace. “You were shouting a lot.”
Jackie swears and backs away from him, kicking a trash bin outside the building beside them.
“Jackie, come home. It’s late.”
“I’m fine, JJ. I’m a goddamn adult, okay? Everybody needs to stop acting like I can’t handle myself.”
“Well, I wouldn’t know anything about that.”
Jackie shoots him a glare. “Just - fine, look, there’s some creep following this girl. I’m going to trail them and make sure she gets home okay. Are you coming or what?”
“Not leaving you out late at night,” signs JJ, pushing past him. “Let’s go.”
Anonymous asked:
JJ you could check out local deaf support groups or clubs where people would know sign! That's a good way go make friends without needing a translator! I know you're mute, not deaf, but in my experience as a speech impaired person deaf groups are more than welcoming. I think having more people you trust would be really good for you.
“Deaf support groups… I think I had forgotten those existed.” JJ paces behind Jackie, tapping his chin. “That could be really perfect, actually. Well, I guess I would still be pretty nervous. I haven’t really talked to anyone but my brothers in years now. But that could be a way to get back on the horse. To actually start communicating with other people. I don’t know. Won’t they think I’m so weird? I’ve lived like a hermit. But maybe it would be worth trying. Yeah, I can see that. Maybe I can try and find one in town. Thank you, that’s a good idea.”
“She’s going to her apartment building,” mumbles Jackie, watching the girl dart up the stairs. “He looks like he’s going to try and follow her into the building.”
The stalker is gaining speed as the girl tries to get into her building, no doubt hoping to follow her all the way to her apartment and find out where she lives, while she’s trying to get inside and disappear before he can.
“Hey!” barks Jackie, striding towards the man, who stops short, turning to look at Jackie. The girl casts one desperate look back at Jackie and takes this as her chance to get away, hurrying inside the building and all but sprinting out of view. The man’s face sours, looking back at Jackie, but most creeps like this aren’t going to do anything while they know somebody’s watching.
“Yeah, I’m talking to you,” shouts Jackie, crossing his arms over his chest. “Thought you’d follow her home? Leave her the hell alone, you gobshite.”
The stranger’s eyes are dark, and in the light perched above the apartment building, Jackie sees for just a second the glitter of a knife held between his hand and his pants pocket in warning. Jackie squares his shoulders, mouth curled. JJ stands beside him on the pavement, picking at his nails.
The man scoffs and paces towards them, looking off down the street. Jackie narrows his eyes but lets him walk towards them. He doesn’t look like he’s planning to attack, all hunched up, his hands stuffed in his pockets. Jackie caught him in the act and there’s nothing more to be done. Wrapping an arm around JJ’s shoulders, Jackie watches the man go by.
The stranger slams his shoulder into JJ as he passes, turning to give them one last glare before walking away.
Or that’s probably his plan.
But the moment he shoves into JJ, Jackie feels his younger brother go stiff beneath his arm. He does not gasp or whistle indignantly - he just goes very, very still, tense as a horse pulled to a sudden stop.
Coming from someone who has been forced to both witness JJ being beat and to physically fight Jameson himself, it’s not a good sign.
That man just touched him.
No one is allowed to touch JJ but his brothers.
No one.
“Jameson,” Jackie has one second to say, and then his little brother turns and grabs that man by the curls of his greasy hair, and slams the heel of his palm into his face.
Anonymous asked:
Jameson don't! You don't have a supernatural being to hide you anymore, if you kill somebody or assault somebody you'll get arrested! I know they touched you and you feel no one is supposed to, but just hit them once or twice and let them go, I don't want you to end up in prison. Jackie try to hold him back if you can, this could go really badly.
“Jamie! Jamie!” Jackie snatches him around the waist, all but yanking him into the air, but JJ thrashes against his chest, snarling. The stranger is hollering at them, that knife held in his hand, but Jackie can barely concentrate with Jameson spitting and writhing in his grip. He pulls him away from the man, wrapping a hand around Jameson’s throat to try and still him, without much success. “Jameson, no one will punish you! You’re okay! They’re right, I can’t hide you if the cops come. Jamie, you are in control, stop!”
Dapper spits at the stranger and gnashes his teeth, steadying himself against Jackie’s chest only long enough to kick out at the man with both feet. Jackie can practically feel the adrenaline and fear in his younger brother’s blood. All too well he remembers Anti’s jealous furies whenever Dapper was out of his sight. Sometimes he punished the others for getting too close to him, like when Jackie stole his Haldol from Anti in California, so Jackie hates to imagine the sort of anger it inspired in Anti when strangers got too close to his favorite pet.
“He’s not here,” Jackie cries, pulling JJ’s head to his heart. “Jamie, I know that freaks you out, but you have to remember you’re in control! You’re not his animal. You’re in control!”
Dapper tears out of his grip and lashes out at the stranger, fearless before the knife. Jackie shoves himself between them, and when that man comes at them with the blade, Jackie protects Jameson, shoving the stranger away and locking him into a fight. With one free hand, he shoves Dapper back, hard, and his little brother crashes to the ground, gasping.
Jackie takes a punch from the man, grunting as he hits his ribs, but he steadies and wraps the stranger into a headlock, flipping him onto the ground. The man’s older than Jackie and quite a bit bigger, and he roars with pain and anger as he hits the pavement. He grapples at Jackie’s legs, tearing him down to the pavement beside him, and then he’s on top of Jackie, pulling back that knife. Jackie pulls his knees to his chest and kicks the man hard in the stomach, giving him a chance to roll away, though another blow lands on his chest as he goes.
Jameson has bowed over himself in the middle of the pavement, kneeling with his head tucked into his chest and his hands gripping at his hair. Jackie thinks he is crying. He should never have let him come with him. What was he thinking? Bringing JJ with him to get in fights with creepy stalkers? He wanted to feel powerful again, to feel control as he pummeled some freak who deserved it into the ground, and maybe - just a little bit - he wanted to get hurt. But not to get his little brother hurt. He was supposed to help him with his fear of being touched - why hasn’t he been helping him?
There’s no time for more of Jackie’s self-loathing right now. That man is standing across from him, panting wildly, holding the knife up. There’s blood coming from his shattered nose, dripping down his curled-up lips. Jackie hates and fears him.
“Just get the fuck out of here!” he screams, snatching up a rock and coming at the man with it, throwing it half-heartedly towards him and making him flinch back. “You deserved that for following that poor girl, and then you just couldn’t go without shoving a guy half your size! Leave us alone, fucking creep!”
And thank God the man takes it as his chance to sprint away.
A wave of emotions washes over Jackie so fast it leaves him slightly dizzy. “Yeah, jackass!” he shouts. “Maybe you’ll think twice before shoving somebody who caught you in the act next time, freak!”
He leans over and puts his hands on his knees, panting harshly. Everything has gone quiet again. JJ isn’t making any noise, just hugging himself and pressing his forehead to the concrete of the pavement like he couldn’t get up if it would save his life.
“JJ…”
Jackie stumbles over to him, grabbing his shoulders and hunching over his body, landing a hand in his hair and holding on to him. “You are a wild little mongoose of a man, you know that? Shit, James, we’re okay… we’re okay…”
Anonymous asked:
Do we need to get the others for you?! Are either of you injured? You're okay, you guys will be alright.
“Are you okay? Come here.”
Jackie helps him sit up, trying not to be alarmed by how hard he’s shaking. “JJ, when was the last time someone else touched you?”
“Someone bumped me at the airport,” he offers weakly. “And Dark grabbed me.”
“Before that?”
“I don’t know. Anti got rid of them.”
Jackie pats the back of his head and pulls back, looking him over. He’s all freaked out, but - fuck, blood on his back. Jackie pulls his shirt up quickly, but there’s no wound underneath.
“Where’d that come from?”
“What?”
“There’s blood on you. Where are you hurt?”
“I’m okay, Jackie… I’m sorry, I know I’m a freak…”
“You’re not a freak, Jay, fuck. Anti just taught you some messed-up shit. Not your fault you’re a little violent when you’re scared. We just gotta work on it. You’re okay.” He squeezes his shoulder, searching through his hair for soft spots. “Are you sure you’re not hurt?”
“Jackie - ”
“I’m sorry I let you come with me.”
“You shouldn’t have come out at all, but - ”
“I know, I just get so insecure and I know it’s pathetic, I just - ”
“Jackie!” JJ claps in front of his face. “You’re the one bleeding!”
Jackie looks down at his shirt, where blood is pooling against his right breast.
“This is the hoodie Max gave me,” he whines. “Will the blood come out?”
JJ is tearing it off him and pulling up his shirt. Jackie takes the hoodie before it falls to the ground and hugs it to his uninjured side, mourning the stain on it.
JJ’s hands run over a knife wound in Jackie’s chest. “How do you feel?” he signs shakily.
“Okay. I thought he just hit me.”
“He got the knife in.”
“I am a little dizzy.”
Jameson knows well enough that the adrenaline will fade away all too soon, and then things will be worse than “a little dizzy.” He licks his dry mouth and gets to his feet, still dazed himself, and reaches out to help Jackie to his feet.
“Is it bad?” asks Jackie curiously.
“Let’s get home for now, okay? Just focus on that.”
“Okay.”
Anonymous asked:
Get home as quickly as you can guys. Henrik, Chase, are you awake? Jackie got seriously injured and is trying to make it home. JJ is with him, they got in a fight. Have medical supplies near by if you get this.
Noodle is awake in the middle of the night, zipping around the apartment at the speed of light and jumping on everything he can reach, and when he notices the camera beeping from the corner of the twins’ room, he decides to jump on that too.
“Pot Noodle! Fuck,” groans Chase, turning over. His cat springs away again. Chase rolls over to grab the camera. “Shit - Schneep, get up.”
“Mh? No. I’m sleeping. Good night for ten years.”
“Jackie and JJ got in a fight.”
Henrik swears rapidly in German, getting up from the blankets. “Where’s my bag?”
“In the bathroom, I’ll get it.”
The sleepiness disappears like it was cut out of them and they get to work in tandem, without speaking again. Chase sets water to boil on the stove. Henrik lays their cheapest blanket over Jackie and Marvin’s bed, setting his medical supplies up beside it before heading to the kitchen to ready a big glass of water. Chase shuts Noodle in his room and then pulls his shoes on, heading out onto the balcony of the apartment to watch for his brothers.
Henrik steps out to join him a moment later, wrapping his tattered doctor’s coat close around them.
“I’m going to kill them,” he says.
“I’ll help,” replies Chase.
Anonymous asked:
Are the others awake?! Jackie is hurt, I don't know how badly, but some guy got a knife jab in him and he's bleeding a lot.
“Don’t worry, Jay,” says Jackie gently, rubbing his little brother’s back. “I bet Chase and Schneep will get up and help. I’ll be fine.”
Jameson is clinging to his side and to his hand, like he’s ready to catch him if he falls, but Jackie feels fine. He’s had worse. Actually, it’s kind of nice - JJ all snuggled up beside him, fussing over him. He’d never admit it out loud, but he doesn’t mind being the center of attention. Schneep and Chase will probably fuss over him too. Well, he’ll get chewed out, for sure. But maybe they’ll all stay in his room with him and bring him snacks and stuff like that. It could be a nice break. He’ll call in sick to work and because he’s hurt, everybody will keep him company and entertain him and stuff. This could be a best-case scenario. He ruffles JJ’s hair fondly, but Jameson just looks up at him with his big blue eyes, and Jackie can’t read the expression in them. Jameson squeezes his palm warmly. They’re just about a block from the apartment.
It’s around this time that the pain starts to register. He goes grey so fast he actually feels some of the blood draining from his face, his heartbeat picking up tangibly somewhere inside his skull. He swallows thickly, his head swimming, and his next step sort of misses its mark, making him stagger slightly against his brother.
JJ’s arm is ready around his waist, keeping him from falling. Jackie is too dazed to make any comments - he can barely register what’s going on. Everything is glazed over in a sort of numb confusion.
But his side still hurts.
Tears rise in his eyes as he’s forced to take another step, and when his grip on the wound loosens, JJ’s hand is there, forcing him to keep pressure on it. He groans, trying to pull back a little, but Jameson tugs him resolutely forward, clicking his tongue at him, the only comfort he’s able to give him.
“Ow, ow, ow,” complains Jackie, swaying against his brother. “I - I gotta have a quick break, James.”
But JJ doesn’t let him stop. He presses down hard on the wound and keeps him going. Jackie feels sick. It hurts more every second. He wants to stop. He feels bad. “Ow, JJ, ow.”
“Motherfuck,” rumbles Henrik from the balcony. “He’s staggering. Chase - ”
Chase is already taking off at a sprint, hurrying down the apartment building’s stairs towards his brothers.
Anonymous asked:
You'll be okay Jackie, just make it a little further. We got Dok and Chase ready for you, you'll be okay.
Jackie blinks at you like a bird snatched out of the sky, his mouth open. He takes another step and half crumbles, letting out a startled wail as he falters against JJ.
“Jackie, Jackie.” Chase just seems to be chanting his name as he runs up to them, grabbing him from the other side, and JJ and Chase pull his arms over their shoulders and keep him moving forward even as his eyes water with the pain. “Jackie - shit, JJ, how did he even - this much - ?”
JJ shoots him a warning look and Chase shuts his mouth.
“It’s okay, man, Schneep’s ready.”
“I want Blue,” sobs Jackie. “Where is he?”
“Come on, let’s just get you up the stairs, okay? We can carry you if we have to.”
“No, I can walk!” cries Jackie, flushing just at the thought of them having to pull him up the stairs. “I just want to go to bed, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, I just had a bad dream, I just - ”
“Jackie, it’s okay. It’s okay. We’re right here. It’s going to be okay.”
But there’s wet, sticky blood down his chest and he does not like it. He doesn’t like this. He wants this to stop.
Anonymous asked:
How bad is the injury, Henrik? Don't be too hard on him, they've been through a lot tonight. I really hope Jackie will be okay.
Henrik is waiting in the open door to their apartment, face drawn. He beckons them inside and into Jackie’s room, and everyone helps him on to the bed.
At this point Jackie’s crying more out of frustration than anything else, and being unable to stop crying only makes things worse. He’s bleeding, it’s sticky, it hurts, he’s caused all his brothers trouble, he’s pathetic, he’s useless -
“Jackie, my Jackie,” Henrik calls. “Don’t curl in on yourself, my dear, come here.”
Jackie wants to curl up and die. Henrik is trying to pull him out of his roly-poly ball, but he doesn’t want to go. He wants this to stop. Chase and Henrik are both so loud and the room is too bright and too hot and he hates the blood everywhere and he’s crying and it hurts.
“Schneep, don’t we have - you know - ”
“Nothing to put him fully asleep, just some localized anesthesia.”
“Should we go to the hospital?”
“Not if we don’t have to. He keeps getting in stupid street fights. I don’t know what he was up to.”
There’s a pause, and then Henrik answers JJ: “Oh, just a small fight, huh? You think this makes it better? You are in trouble later. Hey! Don’t you sign at me in that tone of voice! Okay, fine, fine! Is good that you were there, whatever. Chase, get me a syringe.”
Henrik bends over Jackie, pulling his hands carefully back. His mouth sets as he manages to look at the wound, reaching down to put pressure on it again when he finishes.
“Yes, is good you were there,” he repeats quietly. “And a good thing this is the right and not the left. Mostly it’s in his shoulder, I think. Need a better look. Jackie, is alright. Sh, don’t look at me like that… I’ll forgive you if you get better, okay? Here I am.”
scunneredzombie asked:
Let your brothers help Jackie, there's no reason to be ashamed. You will be okay, just need a bit of help up the stairs and then you can lay down and let Schneep take care of you. It'll be done soon, just hold on.
“Yes, of course,” murmurs Henrik, rubbing Jackie’s good shoulder in slow, rhythmic motions. “How many times I have patched you up? It will be okay.”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” cries Jackie. “Please make it stop.”
“Jackie, I have something for the pain - ”
“No, no needles, Dok!” screams Jackie, pulling away from him. “No, I don’t - ”
“Jackie, Jackie.” Henrik holds his face and tries to keep his voice low and steady. “I know you can be brave for me. I know it’s too much but you must calm down or I won’t be able to help. Now you must come here and let me give you just one shot. Yes? Here, let me see.”
He cuts Jackie’s shirt down the middle, revealing the wound. He reaches to take the hoodie from Jackie too, since he’s clutching it to his chest, but Jackie rears back with it, clinging to the fabric.
“Okay! But you can hold it out of the way for me, okay? Just in one hand. Hold it in your left hand and let your arm down. There you go. Thank you, my brother, my dear. Okay.”
Chase hands Henrik the syringe with the anesthetic after Henrik pulls on latex gloves and Henrik turns back to Jackie with it, placing a hand on his chest to steady him. Chase moves forward to clean the wound with a sterilized cloth. Now, with the shirt gone and Jackie doing his best to stay uncurled, Henrik can see the wound fully.
Henrik can… see the wound fully.
A line of black-red blood against white skin. It trails down Jackie’s naked chest as he squirms, helpless to do anything about what’s happening. Stuck. The thick scent of copper is filling up the room, and Henrik’s fingers feel numb around the body of the syringe. What’s going on? He’s done this all before. He’s a doctor. He just needs to put the needle in his chest, just -
The sharp blade of the needle drawing blood from his chest, and -
It’s sharp, cutting into him, and nobody comes when he screams, and the blood runs down him in rivulets. The flies come to eat at it. He can’t move. He can’t -
“Henrik!” Chase catches his twin as Dok staggers, crumpling towards the floor, the needle slipping out of his hand.
Anonymous asked:
Oh Henrik, it'll be okay. It's triggering you a bit because of memories of pain. Try to fight through it, they need the good doctor right now. I believe in you, just stitch him up and you can go rest and de-stress.
“Schneep?” cries Chase, pulling him to his chest as JJ moves to comfort Jackie. Fuck, what a goddamn night. He just wants to wake up and realize it was just a bad dream. “Henrik, man, look at me.”
But Schneep won’t. His eyes fixate on the carpet in front of him, his eyebrows pulled together in a vague sort of alarm. Chase pats his cheek rapidly, trying to pull him back. “Schneep, don’t get lost in that head of yours. It’s okay. Just - JJ, come here and look after him a second. I gotta at least give Jackie the anesthesia.”
Jameson comes to his aid obediently, sitting down beside Henrik and hugging him from the side. Henrik takes a fistful of JJ’s shirt into his hand without looking at him, breathing heavily through his nose.
Chase gives Jackie the anesthesia. “There, Jacks, now at least the pain will settle down in a minute, okay? Hang in there.”
“Do I need stitches? I want to go to bed, Chase, I don’t feel good!”
“Yeah, a few stitches, but you won’t feel them much, okay? Here, have some water, come on.”
Chase looks back at Henrik as he helps Jackie drink, but his twin is just sitting there, staring at the floor. “Henrik, I know it’s rough. But they’re right: I kind of need you right now. Come on, Dok. Nobody’s going to hurt you. I swear, okay? Not ever again.”
JJ sets his chin down on Henrik’s shoulder and looks up at Chase unhappily.
“Are you okay?” asks Chase.
JJ nods.
“Well, great,” Chase breathes, turning back to Jackie. “Two out of five, that’s great.”
Anonymous asked:
JJ, you know how to stitch up wounds right? Can you or Chase take over for him right now and get the bleeding to stop at least? This is really a crisis scenario oh boy.
“My medication makes my hands shaky,” says JJ, flexing his fingers.
“It’s fine, I’ve stitched all of you up before,” says Chase, exhausted. “Just - will you get him out of here? Just lay him down, okay?”
“Are you sure?”
“He’s not going to be able to do this,” says Chase, turning his eyes back to Jackie. “He doesn’t deserve to have to go through it all again. See if you can get him back to bed.”
Chase doesn’t look back as JJ leads Henrik up and out of the room. He doesn’t want to see that blank distance in his twin’s eyes ever again.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Jackie is chanting, beginning to cry in earnest again.
Chase strokes his hair quietly, readying a needle and thread. “It’s okay, man. Listen, I need you to try and be as still as you can for ten minutes, okay? Can you do that for me?”
“Yes, Chase, I’m sorry.”
“There’s my guy. Okay, it’s going to hurt a little, Jackie. Ready? Don’t look.”
Jackie squeezes his eyes shut, tears flowing over his face as Chase works in silence, trying to stitch well and keep Jackie steady at the same time. Jackie flinches and groans and tries to rock a couple times, but as they go he gets quieter and quieter - and whiter, too. Chase blanches at the sight of how much blood is soaking into their blanket.
The wound was deep, but not wide, and it has pierced mostly muscle, which is a relief. Chase soothes his hands over the stitches, checking that they are held together fast. He looks up to see Jackie half-conscious on his pillows, blinking slowly up at the ceiling, his face hot from crying. Chase shushes him softly and turns him onto his side just enough to wrap gauze around the wound.
“No itching at those, okay?” murmurs Chase.
“I’m cold,” whimpers Jackie.
“You lost a lot of blood. Lie still for a while. I’ll make it better.”
Chase sets up a blood bag and swipes the inside of his elbow with iodine. He chugs half of Jackie’s water and squeezes his hand around the sheets of the bed, letting his veins rise in his arm and setting the empty blood bag between his teeth before sliding the needle into the vein of his arm.
He breathes slowly through his nose, taking deep breaths. When he’s ready, he squeezes into the bedsheets again, pumping the blood out of his arm and into the bag.
“Drink some more water,” he tells Jackie, holding the glass up to him with his free hand. “Come on, don’t look at me like that.”
Jackie is just staring up at him with big, guilty eyes, white in the face. Chase lies down beside him and sighs, closing his eyes and squeezing his fist in the blankets, feeling the blood rush out of him.
“I love you,” says Jackie in a wavering voice.
“I love you too,” answers Chase. “I wish you would stop forgetting about that.”
Jackie’s eyes water and drip. They lie together on the pillows of the bed, and when Chase has filled the blood bag and offers up a clean needle, Jackie allows him to press it into his arm.
“I’ll clean up,” murmurs Chase.
“No,” protests Jackie, clinging to his shirt. “No, stay… I want… please.”
“Hey. We’re okay. We’re okay.”
“I’m so tired of feeling this way. I’m so… I’m… I’m sorry.”
Chase wraps his arms around him and holds on to him, closing his eyes. When Jackie starts to cry again, he lets him.
Anonymous asked:
Good job Chase, thank you for taking over for your brother. You did well, we're proud of you! Do you think he'll be okay for now? The wound seemed pretty deep, hopefully it won't take too awfully long to heal.
“Aw,” says Chase, signing to keep quiet. “Thank you, I appreciate that. It’s not so bad, I been watching Dok for years. Yeah…”
He glances down at Jackie asleep beside him, brushing his hands over his shoulder. “I hope he’ll be okay. It’s not a deadly wound, you know? It could have been.”
He sighs. “Always seems to get hurt. I think he gave everybody a pretty good scare. Shit, I’m going to have to call Blue in the morning and tell him. But yeah, Jackie should be okay. It’ll be really sore for a while. Going to keep him in bed. He’s not exactly a deferential patient, though. And if you see him picking at his stitches, tell him off!”
He pets at Jackie’s arm, staring down at him. “Quiet when he sleeps, isn’t he? I don’t think he’s dumb or anything. I just think he’s so emotional lately that sometimes he makes dumb choices. He needs to give himself a break. He could just stay with us, you know? He could enjoy being free a little. Doesn’t have to stress about money and making sure we’re okay all the time. He could make sure he’s okay.”
Chase slides out of bed to get some more water and a snack, repositioning the camera on the end of the bed.
“But yeah. I think he’ll be okay. That’s my Jackie. Tough motherfucker.”
Anonymous asked:
JJ, how are you doing after that? Are you injured at all, or still feeling triggered?
“I feel bad for acting crazy,” admits JJ, sitting beside Henrik as he plays with Noodle. “Jackie wouldn’t have been hurt if I could control myself. I wish I could just convince my brain that I’m not in trouble once and for all.”
“Hi, um - Stacy?”
“Chase, hi, good morning. What’s wrong?”
“Am I that obvious?”
He can hear her smiling in her voice. “Well, we’ve known each other a long time.”
He chuckles weakly, running his hands through his hair. “Yeah. Yeah. Hey, listen, I need to talk to Marv if that’s okay.”
“Is everything okay?”
“Um. Jackie got in a fight last night.”
“Oh, no. I wish it surprised me. Is he okay?”
“Not really.”
“Okay, let me grab Marvin.”
She shouts for him a few times - Chase is pretty sure she has to wake him up because Marvin sleeps like a lazy cat when he gets the chance - but a moment later, he’s on the phone.
“Chase? What’s going on?”
“Um, Blue,” says Chase, his voice rising a little with his nerves. “Well, see, you know how, um - it’s Jackie.”
“What? What’s wrong? Is he upset?”
“Ummmm… Marvin, he got stabbed.”
Chase pulls the phone away from his ear as Marvin starts yelling on the other side.
“He’s okay! Just come over here, please! He wants you.”
Marvin promises to be there soon and the call ends. Chase sighs and moves to the kitchen, getting breakfast ready. It’s going to be a long day.
Anonymous asked:
Feeling better today Jackie? Remember no picking!
Jackie’s laid out on his bed without an ounce of fight left in him, his eyes big and watery. JJ’s sitting with him, rubbing his shoulder.
“The camera…”
“They just want to know how you’re feeling,” signs JJ.
Jackie stares mournfully up at him. He’s white as candle wax. “Okay.”
“Be honest with me,” JJ tells him. “Come on.”
Jackie’s going to cry again. “I feel really bad.”
JJ runs a hand through his hair, clucking his tongue in sympathy. “Chase will go get some better pain medication later and you can have anything you want, okay?”
Jackie hides against JJ’s side, wiping at his face.
“Okay. We’re okay,” signs JJ. “It’s okay. Jackie, I’m sorry I got you hurt.”
“It wasn’t you,” mumbles Jackie. “I was just angry… you were looking out for me. I probably would have just gone and gotten into an even more dangerous fight if you weren’t there.”
Marvin bursts into the room without knocking, dropping a couple plastic bags out in the hallway and racing towards his twin. He slips onto the other side of the bed and grabs Jackie’s hand, feeling for his pulse with the other. “Oh, Jackie, my Rose, are you okay? Oh, my Roser. What were you thinking? Jackie, poor Red.”
He leans down to start kissing Jackie’s face, once, twice, and despite everything Jackie can’t help but giggle a little, pushing him away.
“JJ, how is he?”
“He’s going to be okay,” says JJ with a little smile, brushing a lock of white hair behind Marvin’s ears. “Just needs some TLC.”
“I shouldn’t have gone, Jackie, I’m sorry,” croaks Marvin, squeezing his hand. “I’m terrible, I didn’t even think how much I would upset you saying that shit. I love you, nothing else matters, I shouldn’t have - ”
“Marvin,” whimpers Jackie, reaching up to touch his face. “Don’t, okay? Just… just stay.”
Jameson slips out of the room to give them a few minutes.
Anonymous asked:
You'll be okay Jackie. Your brothers are here for you and like JJ mentioned you'll have better pain killers soon. Just hold on and keep being strong! You may be a little dumb for getting in to this situation but you'll be okay with some love and brotherly care taking.
Jackie shoots you a scandalized look. Marvin bursts into shaky laughter, slumping down on the bed beside him. “You are just a little dumb,” he murmurs, bumping their heads together. “Sometimes.”
Jackie sighs. “Yeah. I am.”
“Jackie, what were you even thinking? Seriously? Talk to me, sugar, because I am just - I’m at a loss, I…”
Jackie’s face creases and falls. He leans back against the pillows, closing his eyes.
“Jackie. I mean it. You have to talk to us. You just… you just have to, love. I can’t watch this eat you alive anymore.”
Jackie opens his eyes again to look up at him. Marvin squeezes his palm once more.
“I’m really unhappy,” whispers Jackie, squeezing his eyes shut against tears. “And now everything hurts and - and I’m so stupid and angry and - and I just want - I just want - but I can’t…”
“My Roser,” sighs Marvin, kissing his hand. “Tell me everything.”
“But it’s ugly!” Jackie croaks. “Everything going on in my head. And I’ll break down. I don’t know if I can come back from that. I don’t know if I can - ”
“Jackie.” Marvin touches his shoulder, cocking his head at him. “Jackie, you’re allowed to be a burden, okay? We all want you to have a chance to get better.”
“I’m - I’m afraid. I don’t want you to leave me when you see how much of a mess I am.”
Marvin closes his eyes and breathes in. “Jackie… I’m just sorry that I haven’t made enough time for you to understand how much you mean to me. I’m sorry I was wallowing. I wish I had been telling you this for weeks, my darling, but listen now, okay?”
Jackie nods, eyebrows furrowing with concentration.
Marvin kisses the back of his hand. “There is nothing in the world that you could do that would make me stop loving you.”
“You promise?” whispers Jackie. “You won’t leave me alone?”
“Never,” Marvin whispers back. “Never, ever, ever. And have I ever lied to you, my heart, my other half?”
“No,” says Jackie. “Never.”
And Jackie lets himself break in half.
Anonymous asked:
Henrik, are you okay? It seems like seeing the wound was a really bad trigger for you. Are you taking care of yourself, getting some rest and doing relaxing things? It's important to de-stress after major triggers like that.
“Henrik?”
Chase sits with his brother, offering him eggs and a bagel on a plate, all nicely placed, with thick golden butter on the bread and a sprinkling of pepper and seasonings on perfectly yellowed eggs. “Are you better this morning, Deutsch?”
Jameson warned him that Henrik has not been responsive since last night. He woke up from nightmares shaking but won’t talk.
“Back in your head, Schneep?” asks Chase miserably, brushing hair from his brother’s eyes. “How do I get you back out of there, huh?”
The noise of Jackie’s crying rises from the other room and Henrik swivels towards it, his eyes big and his body tense like he’s waiting to run. He keeps Noodle firmly in his lap, stroking his fur quickly. This much is different than last time: Henrik is nervous now, not completely dead to everything around him like he was last time. Chase hopes it means he’s closer to the surface than before.
“Let’s get you some food and have some quiet time,” offers Chase, scooting closer to him and offering him some eggs on a fork, shoving an interested Noodle away. “Come on, man. We’re okay.”
Jamie comes to the doorway to check on them, eating a piece of chocolate. He does not like to be unincluded even from bad things, Chase has noticed. He always wants to be around somebody. Chase doesn’t mind.
“Where’d you get that?” asks Chase, nodding at the chocolate.
“Marvin brought bags with him,” says JJ, putting another piece in his mouth between words. “I think Stacy sent some presents.”
“Ooh, get them for us, sugar, Dok should have some chocolate. Maybe I’ll put coffee on too. He loves coffee.”
JJ wanders back into the hall obediently and returns with the plastic bags.
Anonymous asked:
Thank you for letting yourself break Jackie. You're doing a good thing, I promise. Now your brothers are here to help you with the process and aftermath. You're never alone Rose.
Marvin holds on to Jackie against the headboard of the bed, letting Jackie cry against him, and then shout, and then cry again. It seems to Marvin that all the emotions of the past two months - or longer, still - are bleeding out of Jackie in heavy, painful rivulets of overwhelming feels. But maybe once he finally opens the wounds, they can start treating them, and then they can finally heal. If Jackie thought this would be alarming to Marvin, the truth is that his twin has sensed all of this hidden under the surface of Jackie’s skin for months now, and there is nothing but relief even when Jackie screams or sobs hard enough that Marvin knows this much feeling will put Jackie out of commission for days to come. He strokes his back and holds him. His hand rests on Jackie’s shoulder, his silver rose ring glistening on his finger, while Jackie’s dog tags hang over his hoodie, silver in the morning light.
“It’s Max,” cries Jackie, in between everything else, in between his anger towards himself and his hurt towards Anti and his despair towards everything else in the world. “It’s Max, Marvin, all I want is Max.”
“Why can’t you have him?” whispers Marvin.
“Because I’m too broken!” screams Jackie. “Because I’m too scared of him rejecting me! Because I’d rather have the memory of those two weeks when he loved me than ruin it all by having to see him walk away from me the way I walked away from him.”
“Baby,” murmurs Marvin, hugging him. “Why don’t you take a couple days and let yourself be vulnerable like this, and when you see that your brothers and I don’t run away, you’ll know that Max would still love you too.”
“How do you know?”
“I know you, dummy,” chuckles Marvin. “He wouldn’t have stayed with you like this if he didn’t really love you. Hell, you would have never let him near you in the first place.”
“What if I can’t make him happy, though?”
“Then you could at least give the poor man some peace,” Marvin sighs, rubbing his shoulder. “Cause he deserves that much for making you remember what it was to hope for something again.”
scunneredzombie asked:
If Jackie gets really hurt then I'd love to see Blue learning how to care for them all again in healthy ways through caring for Jackie after the injury! Jackie and Marvin having an open, genuine conversation about how to love each other again would be wonderful progress for them.
“Are you going to go stay with the magicians again?” asks Jackie, looking up at his sibling.
“No, I’ll stay here and look after you.”
Jackie can’t help but be a little pleased with this. Here is the being-fussed-over part of getting hurt that he wanted.
“Guess it was worth getting stabbed then,” he says proudly.
“Don’t say that,” chides Marvin, sighing. “You shouldn’t have to get stabbed to finally open up to me.”
Jackie shrugs, fiddling with his blankets. “I don’t want you to go cause I’m too much to handle.”
“I won’t, Jackie. Okay? Just give me a couple chances to prove it.”
“Okay. But to be fair it’s not like you were really opening up to me either.”
Marvin looks away, deflating.
“I wanted you to save me somehow,” he admits roughly. “I was scared to have to start working on myself. Like I said, it wasn’t fair of me. We will be better siblings to each other now.”
“What’s going to change?”
“You’ll come to me,” says Marvin wistfully. “Won’t you? When you need me?”
“If you’ll just be open with me about the fact that you want me there I will,” says Jackie. “You were so agitated whenever I was around.”
“It was my fault, not yours,” murmurs Marvin.
“If you look grumpy and act grumpy and push me away, I’m going to assume you don’t want me around, Marvin. I know sometimes Chase and Schneep can read each other’s minds and they always know when to back off or when to push it and stick around, but I don’t get that. If you tell me to go, I’ll go. But if you just ask me for some time, or to do something together, or tell me that you want to talk - shit, Marvin, don’t you know I’d give you anything in the world that you asked me for?”
Marvin bites down on his lip, nodding. “I do… too much, I think.”
Jackie chuckles. “Yeah, maybe. But I trust you not to ask too much of me.”
“Well, if I do, you have to tell me.”
“That’s fair.”
“It’s just communication, Jackie. Right?”
“Yeah. But I’m not always good at that.”
“You’re fine at that,” replies Marvin. “You’re direct and you’re honest when you just let yourself talk. Just don’t shut yourself up around me.”
“Okay. Just let me know when you want me there.”
“I do need you to understand, though, Jackie, that I can’t always be here either. I have to have my own life outside of this family. I’m going to spend time with the magicians and with my friends. Sometimes I’ll do things you don’t want me to do. Just tell me what’s upsetting you and I’ll explain why it’s important to me and… we’ll go from there.”
“I can do that,” says Jackie. “Just sometimes you know I need a little more time than other people with change. And that’s something I know I need to work on on my own. With a therapist, probably. And I will, Marv. I want you to be happy. I want to be able to let all of you go be your own people… without getting so scared that you’ll never come back to me.”
“Well, from now on, let’s make sure to spend some time with each other every day, or at least explain it to the other when we can’t.”
“And make some fun plans?”
“Once you’re out of bed, you injured loser. What do you want to do?”
“Oh, anything with you,” says Jackie.
Marvin laughs, shaking his head at him. His brother. His twin.
“Yeah,” he says. “That sounds good to me too.”
.
Admin Note:
Okay… I’m honestly so sad to say this but we are getting close to the end!
Obviously there’s still a few scenes left, and I’ll spend some more time on Jameson and wrap up some of Jackie’s loose ends and so on.
But I just want you to know that in the next few weeks if you want some more time talking with someone or have characters spend more time together or even if you want to give anybody presents or that sort of thing, feel free to send an ask and I will make stuff happen as much as I can!! You can bring up past scenes if there are any story loose ends you would like to know more about.
The next couple weeks are to wrap up the story, obviously. But since you guys have been characters too… it’s also time for you to start saying goodbye to these characters. Just wanted to give you a heads up :’)
it's been so funny looking back at MBC because there are times when the boys just straight up SNAP at the audience like I really said "they are being unpleasant to everyone right now and you personally will feel the depression rage" usually I would not have the nerve to do that
A familiar figure from Chase's past shows up at their doorstep. Marvin reunites with several old friends and tries to have calmer discussions with his brothers. Masterlist
Tws for alcoholism, self-hatred, and discussion of kids missing their dad. Tws may not be completely exhaustive - keep in mind the heaviness of the fic and look out for yourself.
Thank you to @lehhoh7822 for taking the time to compile this book!
.
“So he’s medicated?”
“Yeah, he’s doing a lot better!”
“Okay, but he needs to be seeing a clinician too. Is he seeing a clinician?”
“Um. You’d have to check with Jackie. I think he was handling that side of things.”
“Oh, Jackie is not good with appointments, Chase.”
“Haha. Well, you’ll have to ask JJ, I don’t know anything about it. But Jackie did go see a therapist and he was talking about maybe going again.”
“Good, he should. What about you?”
“Me? What, in therapy? I - ”
There’s a knock on the door of the apartment. Chase and Henrik both freeze, halfway through getting out of their jackets and shoes.
“Who is it?” murmurs Henrik.
“How should I know?” hiss-whispers Chase. “What if it’s the landlord again to kick us out for being too loud? Or - oh, shit! The hospital social worker! If she sees JJ’s black eye - ”
“Okay, don’t worse case stereo right away.”
“Scenario, Dok.”
“Whatever, just be grateful I’m talking, fucker. Don’t see you speaking German, anyway.”
“Okay - ”
“Is a girl,” says Schneep, peering through the peephole on the door.
“Like a kid?”
“No, a girl as in a woman, not that you’ve ever interacted with one of those before.”
“Marvin?” calls her voice through the door. Henrik and Chase both re-freeze, turning wide eyes towards each other. “It’s me. Are you there?”
“It’s Anti in disguise, like in Singapore,” gasps Chase. “Holy shit, he’s back, he’ll - holy shit. Nobody knows Marvin’s name.”
Schneep looks nervously through the peephole. “She sounds anxious, though.”
“He’s going to kill us.”
“Can we call Jackie?”
“No, we only have one phone and it’s here! The gun, where’s the - ugh, we couldn’t get it through airport security, shit, we’re - ”
“Who’s there?” calls Henrik through the door.
A long pause.
“It’s me,” she says again, more timid still. “Chase? It’s… it’s me.”
She has black hair and blue acrylic nails.
crystalninjaphoenix asked:
It's her, right? Well... let her in. Keep in mind this is going to be awkward at first. We don't know that much. Go slow. Don't expect it to all be fixed right away. And good luck.
“It’s her?”
“Who’s her?”
“Well, if you take a look - ”
“What if it’s Anti?”
“It’s not Anti!”
“You don’t know it’s not Anti - ”
“Jackie burned his corpse, but whatever, just - ”
Chase shoves his eye to the peephole and goes silent.
“Chase?”
“It’s her,” he whispers.
“Trick, you’re shaking.”
He turns to Henrik as white as candle wax.
And then sprints back towards his room and slams the door behind him.
“Chase. Chase?” she’s calling through the door.
Henrik touches the handle. He pulls the door open, just a crack.
Onyx eyes look up at him. His eyes flicker towards a flash of silver. She has a knife in her purse. His tongue wets his mouth.
“Chase?” she asks weakly.
He shakes his head, straightening up.
“Anti?” she asks.
He pulls the door open a little more. She steps back, gripping that pocket knife. As if it would do anything against him if he were really here.
“Schneep,” she croaks. “You’re… alive.”
“I’m alive,” he parrots quietly.
“You didn’t come back. You were just supposed to get groceries.”
“I’m… I’m sorry.”
The wind rushes past them. Her hair flutters into her face and away over her shoulder.
She steps forward. He doesn’t move.
Soft hands wrap around him.
She’s tiny. Shorter than he is. Not fragile, just… small.
She hugs him. Her hands grip his hair at the back of his skull, gently.
He hugs her back. His hands settle uncertainly on her hips. In the open door of the apartment, they’re still.
Anonymous asked:
Jackie, Anti is gone. Why do you still feel the need to grieve later?
“Are you sad?”
“What?”
JJ looks at him for a moment before repeating himself.
“Oh. No,” says Jackie, kicking a rock as they walk back towards the apartment. “No, I’m fine.”
JJ doesn’t push it, just watches him out of the side of his eye. Jackie gives the rock another kick, sending it skittering in front of him.
It’s true, of course. Anti’s gone.
Why do I still do this to myself? he wonders, keeping that rock in front of him. He doesn’t want to have to let it stop. JJ’s allowed to cry but you aren’t? What, you don’t want to think about it? All I do is… push things back.
He kicks the rock.
I work so I don’t have to think about anything. Work and run and repeat. Don’t have to think about how Blue and I are fighting, or how he’s gone, or how we’re so broke I can’t even get them beds, or how sometimes even I wish Anti were here - that structure he gave me. That feeling of knowing my place in the world. And sometimes, just every once in a while - that feeling of being useful to anyone. What, are you going to break down and show them you’re just as scared as they are? I wish -
A hand grabs his arm and pulls him back before he can walk into the street. A car moves past them in a rush of red and gold lights.
JJ’s signing at him rapidly, but Jackie can’t quite follow. He’s suddenly so exhausted.
“Jackie, come on, watch where you’re going!” JJ wraps his arm into Jackie’s and pulls him forward, the vanity mirror held under Jackie’s free arm. “Let’s just get home, okay?”
“Sorry,” Jackie mumbles.
Grieve later so you don’t have to think about it now. Grieve later because if he stops to think about how he’s feeling at all, it’s going to break him in half.
If he stops to think about just how bad he wants - just how much he misses -
JJ wraps their fingers together, squeezing Jackie’s palm through his glove. Jackie wipes at his face and shakes his head, letting JJ lead him.
Grieve later. Or better, don’t ever grieve at all, because if you do, you might just never stop grieving.
Anonymous asked:
Stacy is here! Chase, you absolutely must go see her, and let these emotions happen. You can't hide away from this, this has to happen in order for you to heal. She's your family. She won't hurt you or run from you or think any less of you because of what you've gone through. Go see your partner, Chase, I'm sure she's missed you greatly.
Chase stands by the door to his bedroom, his hand gripping the handle like he might just go back out there. But he doesn’t move. Listens at the door, breathing short and thin. His eyes flicker over to you. Away again. He paces beside the door for a moment, scraping at the old scar at his hand.
“I’ve dreamed about this girl for a year,” he whispers, fingers drifting to the crinkle paper in his pocket. “About her hand on mine, and the way she smelled, and the warmth when you wake up next to her. And then, just now, when I saw her, I didn’t feel - I didn’t feel like in my dreams. Like everything was okay, and nothing was ever going to move her from my side. I felt - ”
He closes his eyes. Shudders out a breath.
“I felt bad.”
scunneredzombie asked:
Well Chase, you and Stacy did get divorced at one point, and we're unsure what the relationship status was when you were last on the run together. So you might have some buried anxieties and pain surrounding that.
“Holy shit, holy shit!” He slumps down to the floor, dragging his knees to his chest and hiding his face in them. “I can’t - ”
“Chase.” Henrik is rapping at the door, voice clear and familiar through the wood. “Are we hiding?”
“Yes, we’re hiding,” he mumbles into his jeans, tugging at his hair. “Forever, maybe.”
Henrik lets out a low hum of sympathy. “I don’t think she’s angry, my dear.”
“I don’t feel good. Tell her I don’t feel good.”
Henrik slips open the door beside him and sits down next to him, touching his arm.
Anonymous asked:
Jackie don't be startled when you get home, Stacy is there and Chase is a bit spooked. As far as us cameras know there's no reason to go on the defensive.
“Wait, what?” shouts Jackie, and if it weren’t for JJ’s hand in his own he’d be sprinting down the street already.
“Jackie, no, stay calm!”
“There’s someone in my apartment I barely know, with my little brothers - ”
“Jackie, she’s the mother of your nephew and niece, don’t freak out! We might be able to see them if we play our cards right! The cameras say there’s no reason to get defensive.”
“She scared Chase!”
“Yeah, it’s Chase, he has anxiety. Dok’s there. He’s fine. Come on, we’ll get home, just don’t freak out…”
scunneredzombie asked:
Even if it feels bad and painful, talking to her is worth it for the chance you'd get to see your babies again, right Chase? Like Schneep said she doesn't seem angry, just nervous and scared. I think you can do it, you're so so strong Chase. You deserve to see your family again, and it's going to be a painful process, but at least you have your brother here with you to help you through it.
“The kids,” breathes Chase. “Fuck, they’re… are they safe?”
“Go ask her,” says Schneep, patting his arm.
“I don’t remember her name,” Chase whispers.
“Go ask her,” repeats Schneep, chuckling flimsily. “You must explain to her what has happened… where you have been.”
“I have to tell her what he did to me?”
“It doesn’t have to be everything. But I think she probably wants to know why we have no memory of her. And why we did not return.”
Chase breathes out.
He’s faced worse things than this, right? He fought Anti. Fought the dark part of himself. Fought off hypnosis, struggled against androids and vigilantes, sprinted down the mountainside to get his brother’s medication before Anti beat Dok to hell and back.
Facing his ex can’t be worse… probably?
“Come with me,” pleads Chase.
“Sure,” says Henrik. “Anywhere. Get up, then.”
Chase pushes himself to his feet and steps out into the living room, twisting his crinkle paper in his hands.
There’s no couch or anything to sit on, just bare space, so Stacy stands by the door, playing with a button of her jacket and frowning. She’s so pretty it almost takes Chase’s breath away. He sees her eyes flicker across his body - his cheap, torn jeans and his supermarket t-shirt. He wonders if she can see all his scars from here - the burned hands and gun-calloused fingers. The cuts along his arms and legs, so old and frequent he doesn’t even remember where each one came from.
“Hi,” he says.
“Hi,” she says.
“I, um. How are you… here?”
She clears her throat and takes a step closer. “Friends got a call from Marv and Jackie. They told us you were here. The magicians were going to come with me, made all these plans… but I snuck off to come see you. Couldn’t wait any more.”
“Oh.”
“So… is Anti going to jump out and kill me in a few?”
Chase shakes his head. “Um. He’s dead.”
“Oh. Good.”
“Yeah.”
A pause.
“Are the kids - ?”
“I just don’t understand - ”
“Sorry, I’m totally messed up and I - ”
“If it was something I did I - ”
They cut off halfway through their rambling, meet each other’s eyes, and burst into giggles.
She’s stepping towards him, tears in her eyes, and he thinks he’s probably crying too.
“Hey, I have amnesia,” he chokes out. “We all do. And I’m really sorry for everything.”
“Oh,” she says weakly. “That explains it.”
“But I - I remembered you, moment to moment. Even when Anti would try to make me stop.”
“Thanks,” she says. “Well. I’m Stacy.”
“Stacy,” he breathes. “Nice to, um. Re-meet you.”
“Can I - can I give you a hug?”
“Okay,” he manages.
And she’s in his arms again.
She still makes him feel scared. But this - the warmth of her arms, the smell of her -
This is something worth remembering.
“Tell me everything that happened,” she begs. “Please.”
“It’s a long story,” he warns.
Her hand squeezes against his, pressing into that faded old burn.
“We have time.”
Anonymous asked:
Oof, that's a long story to tell. Well, to help out, us cameras can explain something. When Chase and Henrik didn't come home from the store, it was because Red, Anti, and Dapper kidnapped them in the parking lot, leaving Marvin scared and alone before he was taken too.
“I always figured Anti must have caught you,” she says, sitting at the table with Henrik and Chase. “When we realized Anti was close, Marvin told me he had to draw him off. He ran off somewhere and said he would let Anti get a hint of him. Just a hint, though. He was supposed to come back once things were more safe. But he never did.”
“So… what did you do?” asks Chase.
“Rebuilt my life in Sweden,” she sighs. “Just… stayed there with the kids. We felt safe with the magicians Marvin trusted. We still do. Leah and Colin and the rest have all made sure we had what we needed. Except the kids’ dad, of course.”
“So they’re okay?” Chase asks.
“Yeah, they’re okay,” says Stacy.
Chase slumps back in his chair, going pale again. If the answer had been no, he thinks he would have broken in half. “Can I see them?”
“Of course,” she answers. “They’ve missed you so much. I didn’t even tell them you all might be alive. Didn’t want to get their hopes up. But I don’t know how they’ll take it, either. But just - you know I’m going to be there through visits, right? And I’m not comfortable with you keeping them overnight or - ”
“Oh, no, Stacy, that’s fine,” breathes Chase, rubbing his face. “Shit, I don’t even know if I would be able to do that now anyway. Yeah, we gotta take this real slow.”
She smiles at him, earnest and sad at the same time.
“It’s really good to be on the same page as you for once.”
“We’re… we’re divorced?”
She reddens a little and nods at him. “But we’re going to make this work as parents, right? That’s what we were working on before all this happened.”
“We were figuring out how to get along?”
“Um, we were actually pretty much tearing each other apart before this all started,” admits Stacy, only turning redder. “But you’d be surprised how much being chased out of the country by a supernatural being who wants to kill you makes you realize just how unimportant most of those fights were. Like, who cares if you let Hunter watch PG-13 movies? There are a lot more important things.”
“I get that.”
“So… he really kidnapped you. And - like he did with Jameson and Jackie. He made you… puppets.”
Chase stares down at his feet for a long moment. “Yeah. He did.”
“It - did he treat you badly?”
Chase closes his eyes. “He… tried to make me believe that he didn’t. But he was a monster. And in the end he - ”
He can’t stop his eyes from flashing over to Henrik. Coated in scars that will never go away.
“It’s over now,” he tells Stacy. “That’s what matters.”
She puts her hand out. He reaches up and wraps his fingers around hers.
“I’m really glad you’re alive,” she says, very quiet. “And I know you don’t remember, but… I’m sorry for how things went down between us. Anything you need now, I will help with.”
“Thank you,” he whispers.
Anonymous asked:
Stacy seems a lot nicer than I was expecting! How are you doing Chase? Not getting too overwhelmed right? Remember to take this all slowly for your emotion's sake.
“Yeah, it’s pretty overwhelming,” breathes Chase. “But, um. I still want to try this. And I know this is probably even more overwhelming, but - but I want to see the kids as soon as I can. Is that - ”
“I’ll see how they react when I tell them you’re here,” says Stacy. “I think Izzy might need a little time.”
The door pushes open with a slam and all three of them jolt up to see Jackie and JJ in the doorway. Henrik and Chase exchange glances.
“Is she cool?” asks Jackie thunderously.
“She seems cool,” answers Chase weakly.
“Hmmmm.”
Anonymous asked:
She's cool Jackie, don't worry. She offered to let him see the kids and she's been very nice so far! Don't get too defensive, it'll be okay, she's family just like your brothers are.
“If Marvin were here, he’d tell you I’m cool,” Stacy insists.
“Yeah, well, he’s not,” snaps Jackie.
Stacy looks at Chase and Henrik, who give her shrugs in answer.
“Whatever,” mutters Jackie, throwing his shoes by the door. “I’m going to go lie down.”
Henrik and Chase blink at him. “What, just like that? You don’t mind?”
“Just call me if you need me.” He stalks down the hall, rubbing his hands across his scalp. Honestly, he’d rather be keeping an eye on her, but he knows he was about to blow up again, and he’s not having a repeat of last night. Screaming at Blue like that… scaring everybody…
He slams the door to his room, leaving the mirror in his closet, and flops onto the bed, letting out a deep sigh. Here, the grief threatens to catch up with him - the grief and the hurt and the anger. He rubs at his face and keeps his breathing steady. He needs something to distract himself. His computer, maybe.
Anonymous asked:
The computer seems like a good distraction Jackie! Maybe you can practice your coding, or watch Into The Spiderverse again? Or torrent some more movies for all of you to watch? There's lots you can do when it comes to computers, which is why it might be good for distracting from a possible meltdown/burnout.
“We can’t afford internet, but I can steal some from the apartment downstairs if I really want it. But yeah, maybe I’ll just code for a while. Anything to avoid thinking about - you know. Everything.”
Anonymous asked:
Chase, what do you expect to happen when you see your kids? I know they'll be sad that you don't remember them, but hopefully it can all work out.
Chase chews at his lip, shaking his head. “I… don’t know. What is that even like? Your dad just disappears and then - then he just shows back up? But he doesn’t remember you? I don’t know anything about them. Maybe it’s better if I don’t see them at all.”
“Chase,” says Stacy. “Uncle Marvin promised them he’d come back. They never stopped hoping you all would. They knew that it was because of Anti that you disappeared… they knew that was why we had to run away and go somewhere new, and why JJ and Jackie never came home. Hunter cries for you all the time. They want to see you. It’ll be hard, yeah, but not as hard as never having Papa back.”
Chase wipes at his face, breathing out shakily. “Do you have any pictures of them?”
“I left my electronics with the magicians. Just in case Anti was here.”
“Oh, yeah. How old are they?”
“Izzy’s eight,” she says. “And Hunter’s five.”
“Five, wow,” he breathes. “I really just… forgot. I just remembered bits of when they were babies. But they’re so big.”
“Hunter just remembers that he loved Daddy and he wants him back. But Izzy - she’s big enough that she still remembers the divorce, and everything that led up to it. I think she’s a little angry, Chase. That she never got a chance to see you better. You were drinking a lot the last time we tried visits. She remembers that. She was the one who would have to go find one of her uncles to bring her home if she smelled it on you. Little kids, they remember that stuff.”
A deep shame opens up in Chase’s stomach like a chasm. He’s stiff and shaky against the table, rubbing at his crinkle paper.
“How’s your drinking now?”
“Anti didn’t allow that stuff,” Henrik comes to his aid easily. Maybe even proudly. “It’s not a problem anymore.”
Oh, fuck. Chase nods tersely and avoids their eyes.
“Good,” says Stacy, relaxing.
Oh, fuck, he’s a horrible father.
“Look, I need to get back before the magicians notice I’m gone and follow me here. I’m sure they’ll want to be there before you can meet the kids or anything. They’re good people, though, really. If you guys are really okay and Anti is dead, I’m sure we can convince them that you’re safe. Right?”
“Right,” says Chase weakly. He tries not to think about whiskey and bruised black eyes, about screaming and magic fire burning out of Marvin’s control. About Henrik staring listlessly out of the window and Jameson carving eyes into the walls.
They’re going to get it together. They have to.
Henrik and Stacy talk plans. He catches her up on what she needs to know and she provides him with her phone number. Chase thinks about how different things could be if Anti was here. How he could get inside his head and force him to trick her. Force her to give up the kids.
He was just a slave. And he’s still just a fucked-up drunk with nothing to offer them.
“Chase.” Henrik is gripping his hand, pulling him back to the present. “What’s the matter? Come, let’s say goodbye.”
They see Stacy out the door before Henrik turns back to him, worried. Chase slumps back into his chair and puts his face in his hands.
“Overwhelmed?” asks Henrik.
Chase nods.
“You did well. It’s going to be alright, Chase.”
Anonymous asked:
Chase, you still struggling with alcohol doesn't make you useless or make it mean you have nothing to offer them. You're an addict, it's true, but you don't become worthless just for being one. You have worth, you have value, and your family and your kids love you. Don't feel like a fuck up for relapsing, you're under a ton of stress. One step back doesn't erase the millions of little steps forward. -🎒
He nods to himself, cooking something in the kitchen while Henrik and JJ play cards on the floor of the living room. He’s trying to distract himself with spices and bread, but the truth is he’s going to have to face this, or it will just keep getting worse. He has to find a way to handle it.
“We’ve got to do something about the stress around here,” he mutters. “I - I can’t risk going back. You’re right, I’ve taken too many steps forward. If Anti locking me up was what it took to make me stop drinking the first time, it’s not like I can just go do that again. I have an addiction but… I want to be a good dad. I can’t let myself drink like that again. Fuck, I don’t even know what I was thinking, I just… gah. Stupid.”
He stirs the pot on the oven, glancing over at JJ and Henrik. He should tell someone, but he doesn’t think he could admit it to Henrik when he can imagine the look on his face. Jackie would be angry but try to hide it, because he hides everything these days. Jameson would probably be helpful, but Chase has never really confided in him before. He can’t really picture it at all.
He wishes Blue were here.
Anonymous asked:
Chase, you're still seeing a therapist right? They can probably recommend you to a local rehab group or group therapy to talk about your alcoholism. It could be helpful to talk to people who understand the feeling, yeah?
Chase shrinks in on himself slightly. “I… have not seen a therapist, no. I was supposed to. Jackie saw one, like once, before he got so bummed out. And JJ sees a psychiatrist at the hospital. That’s all.”
He runs his hands through his hair. Just the last bit of yellow at the end of his fringe, now. He’ll be all back to brown next time he cuts it.
“I guess I know I should see a therapist,” he says. “Like, I’ve always known. Anti really fucked me up. But I’ve been so busy trying to help Dok. Maybe him coming back to himself and Stacy showing up - that’s my cue that I need to start going. Even if it’s scary to think about. They could recommend me to more stuff.”
He lets a long, deep breath out of his chest.
“Okay. Yeah. I’ll try it.”
Anonymous asked:
Blue, are you doing okay? Stacy came to visit the others and if... if you want you could head home to meet her and the magicians within the next few days? You must be getting lonely in that old bus. I know it was a really low point for you, running away. You would be better off being with your family, being where you can be safe and healthy.
Stacy walks back through the city towards the library, lost in her thoughts. She gets cat-called and replies with a half-hearted middle finger, barely registering it.
In a way, she supposes there are good things about this. Chase doesn’t have to remember everything that happened between them - the screaming fights, the words they exchanged, how quickly they seemed to turn on each other, the shitty things that he did and the shitty things she did too. How their friends and his brothers ended up having to play mediators between them, getting involved in all their drama. They can move past that.
But he’s also forgotten the good times. What it was like to dance in their pajamas at midnight on New Years, playing old love songs from the computer. What it was like to be mum and dad together. Fuck, they were young. How she came to him sobbing and admitted she was pregnant, expecting him to freak out or leave her or yell - and instead he dropped to his knees and kissed her stomach and asked her to marry him with tears in his bluebird eyes, and wasn’t he so beautiful there in the afternoon light? And isn’t he still beautiful, more grown, more scarred, just as gentle as he ever was despite everything?
She arrives at the fountain beside the library and pulls a piece of paper out of her pocket, unfolding it to reveal an image that is familiar to you: a lapwing bird, the same image tattooed onto Blue’s arm. When the reflection of the bird touches the water, the other dimension opens like a doorway before her, and she can press her hand through the water, and step out on the other side.
Maybe it’s because she’s so lost in her thoughts that for a moment, she does not recognize the person speaking with the magicians.
“It was like being half of who I was at the time,” he is saying, voice loud and confident. “I was so ill every day I thought I would die. And when it was given back to me - I was alive again, and none of the skill had left me. Like a limb was reattached. And I tore the darkness apart with that flame. Rebuilt the trees of the forest. I felt like a part of the earth again, and the earth listened when I spoke.”
Several of the Irish magicians who make their home base here in this mirror dimension and her Swedish friends, Leah and Colin, are crowded around him, listening intently and asking questions, occasionally reaching out to touch his arm or hand like they can’t believe he’s real. He has soft white hair and eyes blue as flame. His hands rise and fall as he speaks, and she sees the glitter of rings on his fingers and the swirl of tattoos. He seems to have his own internal light source. He seems to gleam.
“Couple days after that, my brothers and I went head-to-head with his mind tricks and tore them the hell apart. It made him weak enough we could beat him down, and when he was finally weak enough and begging like a coward, I put a knife in his goddamn heart and we burned what was left of him. Since then? I’m free of him, yeah.”
There’s excited shrieking from his feet as the magicians continue to quiz him and the person leans down and scoops up Stacy’s son into his arms, eagerly rocking Hunter up and down, up and down, fast enough to make him howl with laughter. Stacy steps out into the grand hall of the magicians and recognizes him.
“Marvin,” she breathes.
He turns to her smiling. Goddamn. Goddamn. He seems to glow.
“Hi,” he whispers, and the others around them fall silent too, in honor of the reunion. “I think I knew you once.”
“I think you did,” she answers quietly.
“It’s Uncle Marv!” screams Hunter, throwing his arms around his neck. “You found me!”
“I found you!” He kisses Hunter’s face and throws him into the air only to catch him again. “Here I am.”
Stacy steps up to him and touches his arm. Marvin smiles at her again, perhaps a little nervous closer up. She realizes Izzy is here too, just clinging to Marvin’s leg. But while Hunter is shouting and celebrating, Izzy is just hiding her face against his pants and clinging to him, silent. Stacy strokes her daughter’s hair, but she can’t pull her eyes off her sibling-in-law.
“I can’t believe this,” she says. “How did you lot find him?”
“We didn’t,” laughs Colin. “He remembered that his tattoo lets him into this place and just came down the stairs all of a sudden.”
“Unbelievable,” a second magician joins in. “He’s been missing for more than a year and then just comes back, just like that, alive.”
“I took some time away from my brothers,” says Marvin, a little shyly. “And I should go home, too - I will, soon. But I just… remembered a part of myself that existed outside of them, I think. Maybe I needed that. I’m safe now, though. And I’m not alone.”
“I can’t even believe my eyes.”
“Ah, am I that bad?” asks Marvin, a little red in the face.
“No,” she chuckles, touching his cheek. “You’re as beautiful as ever, pretty boy.”
Marvin smiles so wide his teeth seem to shine too.
“I missed you, Marv,” she confesses. “I really have.”
“We all have,” laughs Leah, beaming at him. “Can’t lose a great friend and a great magician without missing you.”
“You found us!” shrieks Hunter, throwing his arms around his neck. “You found me, Uncle Marvin!”
Marvin lifts him and catches him. Lifts him and catches him. Hunter is laughing and shouting and holding him.
“I love you, Marvin,” says Hunter, giving him a sloppy kiss on the cheek. “I love you.”
Blue holds him and spins him and picks Izzy up too, kissing her face, and she clings to him like all that matters in the world is there against his shoulder.
Marvin.
Coming from them, it really doesn’t sound like too bad of a name at all.
Anonymous asked:
I had no idea images could be used as passwords! That's honestly really cool, could the magicians explain how something like that works? Tattoo passwords seem awesome.
“I didn’t know that either,” says Marvin, turning to the nearest magician, a bear of a man with a wildly impressive beard. “How does that work?”
“You did know it, just forgot it,” replies the man genially, clapping his shoulder. “You helped create that magic, Marvin.”
“Mirror magic is an old art of magicians,” continues a young girl with a shock of red hair. “While most of us have our own unique Talent, there are certain spells like that that can be written down, passed on, and performed by anyone with magic. For the longest time, we just used passwords.”
“Right, spoken passwords,” says Colin. “But then your little brother developed mutism.”
Marvin blinks. “Yeah? So… we figured out a way around it?”
“Yeah! It was our first time trying out things like gesture passwords and imagery passwords. It took a couple years, but we figured it out. Now there’s really no way to get the secret password out of someone. You can’t torture or mind-control someone into revealing an image.”
Marvin brushes his fingers over the tattoo in his shoulder. “Must have meant a lot to me, I guess. To look into it that much.”
“Ugh, we spent the whole year hearing about how sweet your baby brother is,” chuckles the red-haired girl. “By the time we figured it out, you were practically an expert on mirror magic.”
Marvin smiles down at his shoes for a moment. He has a lot to make up for. A lot to rebuild.
But today, he actually feels like it’s possible.
Anonymous asked:
Magicians, why have you broken off contact with other groups of magicians? Were you in hiding after what happened to Marvin?
“Oh, yeah, what the fuck?” he cries.
“Marvin,” scolds Stacy, cupping Hunter’s ears.
“Oh, sorry. But seriously! My brother was in England and he said that the magicians there said they had heard nothing from you for more than a year. They thought Anti might have killed you all!”
“Ohhh, England,” says the bearded man. “Yes, there’s a very simple explanation for that, actually. They’re - ”
He pauses to cover Hunter’s ears.
“They’re DICKS.”
Marvin bursts into laughing, rubbing his head. “Are you joking?”
“No, we cut off all communication with the British magicians. I mean, it’s not that all of them are terrible, of course, but in the past decade or so they’ve become overrun by these monsters you wouldn’t believe. Old leaders who never grew out of outdated, discriminatory practices, young men and women who think they’re entitled to the world… it’s a mess.”
“What, and we’ve just left them to it?” asks Marvin, frowning. “Shouldn’t something be done? Jameson is British.”
“Unfortunately if we set out to correct every magical order with outdated practices we’d be at work in many of the countries in the world. Magical orders are notoriously independent - we barely communicate as is, and largely leave each other to our own devices. But still, there has been talk of it. Sending ambassadors, joining with other nations, and so on. We do communicate with a few British magicians who are not terrible and who want to improve things - the people on the inside who actually understand what’s going on with them - and we try to help if we can. But of course we’ve been so scattered this last year plans haven’t gone far.”
“Why scattered?” asks Marvin.
“Because you were missing,” answers the man, like it’s obvious. “Our leader disappeared.”
Anonymous asked:
Marvin you're their leader?! Holy shit!
“But this must be a lot to take in!” cries Leah. “You don’t have to go back to being in charge if you don’t want to, Marvin.”
“No, you do have to, actually,” protests the bearded man. “You do.”
“David here has been in charge since you vanished.”
“I’m dying, Marvin. I’m dying.”
“No, he’s not,” scowls the red-haired girl, elbowing him in the gut. “He just doesn’t like having to work. Marv, take your time.”
“We have a lot to go over, I guess,” laughs Marvin weakly. “Um. Was I a good leader?”
“Very good!”
“I liked you.”
“Yeah, chill.”
“Do I get to be called, like, High Witch or Dumbledore or something like that?” Marvin asks.
“If you want!”
“Oh, Marvin, stay for dinner! We’ll put something together quickly. I’ve got to call everyone! Sit, Marvin, tell us everything. And we’ll tell you everything. And just - everything!”
Anonymous asked:
Would it be possible to contact the Ravens? Just to let them know that everyone's okay and Anti is gone? Or is that not a good idea right now?
“Is that something I could do?” asks Marvin. “The Peruvian magicians? My brother made some friends over there.”
“Sure thing. I bet we have a contact method somewhere.”
“Dok will be happy,” says Marv, clapping his hands together. “I’ll talk to him about what he wants to say and then - yeah! We can let them know. That’s a good idea.”
Anonymous asked:
Welcome home, Marvin the Magnificent. Welcome back to yourself.
Soon people are starting up food and Leah and Colin are sharing baby pictures and new magicians are coming in from different portals across the country. Marvin tries to take it all in at once - he does not want to miss a moment of it. Glowing candle-light and friends he has forgotten, now coming back to him. Teenagers introducing themselves with awe in their eyes while the old women greet him like a child come home. The warm smell of everyone’s magic spun together and the unfamiliar familiarity of this place where he once worked and lead. He does not want to miss it.
But in the middle of all this, he has a smile just for you.
“Thank you,” he says, and in the light he is gold and white and blue, glowing like a star.
“Yeah,” he says. “This - this is the start of something. And at long last, I feel ready to start it.”
In a flame-lit hall set apart from the rest of the world, he sits down with his nephew and his niece and his sister and his friends, and he recognizes a part of himself he thought was gone forever, and for the first time in more than a year, he is able to see that Marvin the Magnificent was someone worth loving.
Like you told him all along.
“Yeah. Yes. Thank you.”
.
Anonymous asked:
Chase maybe you should spend some time with Noodle? You need to do something relaxing after a big stressful thing like that.
Chase sits in his nest with Noodle in his lap, pressing the side of his head into Noodle’s side. His cat purrs. He is a good cat. A big cat, now. A big, lanky cat who grew up from a kitten in what feels like minutes now.
Chase strokes his back. Slow and even. Calm. He needs to be calm.
“Chase?” asks Henrik, sticking his head in the door. “You ready to go?”
Deep breath. Okay. He can do this.
He tightens around Noodle’s body for a minute and kisses his cat’s head. His little companion.
“Hey,” he whispers for a second, scratching his head. “You are the only worthwhile thing Anti ever gave me. Just so you know.”
Noodle purrs at him, his eyes sliding shut. Chase kisses him one more time and then gets up, squaring his shoulders.
“Yeah,” he says. “Let’s go.”
It’s been so long. How could he let fear delay seeing them any longer?
Anonymous asked:
Finally time to see your kids Chase? I'm sure they'll be so happy!
“Yeah, here’s hoping,” he says, clutching his hands together. “Yeah.”
He sits at a bench in the park a couple blocks away with Henrik, Jackie, and JJ closeby. Henrik is waiting with him while JJ and Jackie throw a frisbee they found in the bushes.
“Here she comes,” says Henrik, reaching out to touch Chase’s hands.
And Stacy’s beautiful, and Stacy’s a piece of him, and Stacy is a memory and a presence to him - but she is gone the moment he sees Hunter. She disappears.
There’s just him. In the whole world, there’s just him.
Chase can feel the blood pounding in his head, deafening him. He stands up and moves forward, and he sees that little boy tug away from his mother’s hand and come sprinting towards him on his tiny, chubby legs, and Chase is on his knees and reaching for him -
Hunter.
“Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!”
He wishes that Hunter were screaming with joy as they wrap together, but as his awareness comes and goes in numb waves, he hears that Hunter is screaming like he’s in pain, squeezing Chase so hard he will leave little fingernail marks in his skin. Hunter is sobbing and shrieking. Chase bows over in the grass, hugging him to his chest, and Hunter’s legs and arms are wrapped around him so tight that even if Chase let go, Hunter would cling to him like a monkey. Chase rocks him up and down, kneeling on the ground, while his baby screams and cries and holds him.
He can’t speak or breathe. There’s nothing but this. His son has black hair and his mother’s onyx eyes, deep as the ocean. He is small for his age, wearing a blue shirt with a goldfish on it and green shorts. He has freckles all over his face. Chase kisses them even though Hunter’s nose is running and he’s crying wildly. He squishes him back to his chest and stills, and they hold each other there against the grass, and Chase does not let him go.
People have stopped to watch them in the park from the fuss they’re making, but Chase doesn’t notice, and Jackie stands in front of them if people get too close, guarding. Chase rocks Hunter and tries to remember how to breathe.
“My baby,” he whispers. “My son.”
“Where is the girl?” Henrik asks Stacy quietly, stepping towards her.
“She’s, um. Back at the entrance to the park with Marvin.”
“With Marvin?”
“Long story. Just… she’s not quite as eager as Hunter. That’s all. Marvin’s talking to her.”
Anonymous asked:
Why is Izzy so reluctant? Is everything okay? These are some big emotions for some little kids :(
“Where’s my daughter?” asks Chase, trying to get to his feet, though his legs are shaky. “Is she - ?”
“Daddy, don’t go!” screams Hunter, clawing at him as he feels him adjust. “Don’t go, Daddy!”
“Okay, baby, here I am, here I am,” Chase hushes him, pulling him with him as he rises and rocking Hunter against his chest.
“Papa, don’t leave again!”
“No, baby, no,” croaks Chase, cupping his head. “No, I won’t…”
Stacy comes over to them and sets her hand on Hunter’s back, rubbing down his spine. “Papa’s not going away again, okay?” she hushes, and when Chase pulls her closer to him, she doesn’t protest. “Mommy and Daddy are right here.”
Hunter weeps and Chase shakes as he feels Stacy put her head down on his shoulder and cry too, stroking their son’s back. They are big emotions for little kids. Too big. Not for the first time, the reality of how much Anti took from him rolls over Chase, and he shudders through the hatred and the pain of it. For all that he fought for his brothers in the end, he thinks holding Hunter like this even once would have broken Anti’s grip on him forever. He could have stabbed Anti himself.
“Izzy’s just angry that you were taken away,” says Stacy, rubbing his back too for a second. “She has such big emotions already, and then something like this - the temper on that girl. She throws fits. She’s just really missed you, Chase, that’s all. She wants to understand what happened but we never had the answers. We weren’t sure if you would ever come home. She’s just angry and afraid of losing you again.”
“I’ll go talk to her,” breathes Chase. “I… I don’t know, I’ll - I have to see her.”
He actually sees Blue, now that he looks, kneeling to talk with a figure in front of him, his back to Chase. Blue reaches out to smooth away long dark hair. Something in Chase’s chest heaves. He curls around his son.
“Hunt, will you stay with Mum while I go talk to your sister?”
“No, Daddy, no!”
“I’m just going to go right over there, Hunter. Do you see?”
“Hunter, you can say hi to Uncle Jackie and JJ and Sheep!” Stacy encourages him, pulling him away from Chase. He whimpers but doesn’t struggle. “And then Papa will come right back.”
“Right back, Papa.”
“Yes, sweetie, right back, yes. Yes.”
.
“What’s the matter, darling?”
“I don’t want to see Daddy.” She hides her face against his legs as he runs his hands through her hair, pulling it back into a ponytail. “I don’t want to.”
“Why, Izzy?”
She just cries louder, squeezing his pants leg. Blue brushes at her head, beginning to pull her hair into a braid.
“Your dad has really missed you, you know,” says Blue. “He has really wanted to see you.”
“I don’t want Dad to have forgotten me. That’s not fair!”
Her voice rises to a scream and then breaks into crying again.
“I know, cherie,” murmurs Blue. “I know it isn’t.”
He sees Chase coming towards them. “Darling, will you just say hi to him?”
“No, no!”
“Izzy - ”
“I don’t want to see you, Papa!” she screams, tearing away from Blue. Chase stops dead in his tracks. “I want you to go away!”
“Izzy,” says Chase. “If I could just - ”
“I said go away!”
Blue is no longer holding Izzy against his legs.
She is not close to him.
In a single moment - in a single flicker of light, a flash of movement - she is in front of her father.
Chase crashes backwards, gaping. He hears Jackie howl in alarm somewhere behind him and Stacy calls Izzy’s name. Blue dashes forward to scoop her up and hide her before anyone sees, but Izzy whirls on Chase again, and he sees her eyes flash red.
His daughter just glitched.
Anonymous asked:
Woah what the hell just happened! Izzy has magic? Anti is dead, it's not him, don't let fear overwhelm you guys.
“That’s not normal, that was like him, don’t let her - ”
“Jackie, watch it!” snarls Blue, turning on him immediately. “Go sit your ass down. I’ll explain everything in a minute, but you keep your mouth shut, alright?”
Jackie clamps down on his tongue, eyes wild. He grabs Chase’s shirt and drags him to his feet, hauling him back towards the bench. He passes Stacy and Chase meets her eyes, a look of concern flashing between them, but he doesn’t see fear in her face.
She knows what’s going on. This is normal. This is just Izzy.
Okay, he thinks. Then it’s fine.
“Magic,” he mutters. “Like Blue.”
“Not like Blue, why would she transport like him?” asks Jackie, panicked. He grabs JJ’s arm and for a second Chase thinks he’s going to throw him right over his shoulder and carry him home, but he manages to control himself. After a moment, Jackie shudders out a breath and sinks into the grass, holding his head in his hands. “That gave me a start.”
“It makes sense though,” says Henrik quickly, pacing in the grass beside them. “When I was with the magicians I asked them questions about how such things happen. They said there is a genetic component, yes, but for the most part magic is triggered in young children by exposure to other magic. Izzy has the genetic component given that she is a blood relative of Jameson and Marvin.”
“And she would have had plenty of chances to be exposed,” mumbles Chase, glancing back towards his daughter, who is being comforted by both her mother and her uncle.
“It wasn’t just exposure, though,” warns Henrik. “It was like - like scary exposure. Forms of trauma. The need to protect one’s self. While running away from Anti, we must have encountered him at one point.”
“And that would trigger it in her,” signs JJ. “Replicating Anti… to get away from him.”
“Dad, does Izzy gotta go home now?”
Chase turns quickly to see Hunter coming towards him, sort of abandoned in between the two groups. “Oh, honey.” He scoops him up and sits down with him. He tries bouncing him on his leg, but Hunter just scoots forward and lies against his chest, hugging his neck. “I think we better just give her a moment to have some calm-down time.”
Jackie watches from afar as Blue rocks Izzy and pets her hair, his niece crying into his shirt. Henrik sets a hand on his shoulder. “Jackie. We’re okay. Calm breaths.”
Jackie shakes his head, rubbing at his face. How much better Blue looks after only two days away from him.
“You can say hi to your uncles like Mommy said,” offers Chase, pointing at them. “Do you remember your uncles?”
Hunter puts his thumb in his mouth and shrugs, hiding in Dad’s shirt. JJ plucks at the grass and Jackie and Henrik exchange glances, silent.
Anonymous asked:
Wait wait wait wait, what the fuck? Did that really happen? Oh no, I'm already starting to think the worst possible explanations
“I don’t know,” says Chase. “I don’t… remember.”
“She could have just - maybe picked it up genetically?” offers Henrik. “Similar magic?”
“Don’t say that,” mumbles Jackie.
“Anti could have even caught her,” breathes Chase. “What if she had to get away from him? Or she was there when the house was burning? I should have - I should have killed him myself.”
“Papa?” says Hunter.
“Yes, my Hunter.” Chase strokes his hair.
“Is my bad uncle going to come back again?”
“No. No, Hunt. He’s gone forever.”
Hunter nuzzles against his father’s neck.
Anonymous asked:
So Izzy is a young magician? Stacy, did you all have an encounter with Anti while running from him? Izzy could have these particular powers because of that. How long has she been glitching about? Does she have other powers?
“Maybe we should take her home. She can’t be out in public if this is happening.”
“No, she can handle it, Stace,” says Blue, voice steady. “She’s a strong girl, she can handle it.”
Izzy is buried in his chest again, tired now.
“This started around the time Anti was hunting us, yes,” says Stacy, pushing hair from her face. “Marvin was helping her with it as best he could. I didn’t know anything about it except that Marvin was a magician. It was terrifying at first. She would transport miles away and I would have no idea where my daughter had gone, while a real life horror movie monster was chasing us.”
Stacy strokes Izzy’s back. “Marvin taught her the basics, but it was terrible after Chase and Henrik disappeared. She would glitch out of bed during nightmares, glitch up onto something high and not be able to get down, glitch into things and get stuck and terrified until we could help her glitch out again… the Swedish magicians have been our help for years now, I don’t know what we’d do without them.
"There’s no other powers, but she can glitch directly into or through things without knowing what’s on the other side or anything like that. Sometimes, when she does it, she breaks electronics like he did…
"We encountered him just once, the night he burned the house down. Chase and Henrik and Marvin ran to come get us. It wasn’t safe anymore. He had gone after other people we loved - a man Marvin was seeing, a friend of Henrik’s at work… He was there as we drove away, coming after us down the road - glitching out billboards, flashing towards us. We threw the phones out the window and just kept running. Hunter didn’t understand enough, but I think she did. I think she still remembers that whole day. What that fear was like. Chase was burned… passed out in the car from the smoke. She was just there in her carseat while Henrik wrapped him up and everyone was yelling. Left our home behind and just… ran.”
Izzy is quiet in Blue’s arms, held against his chest. She’s heavy but he will not let her go.
“And then she lost her dad, and her uncles, and we were all but alone in a new place, and we didn’t know when or if Anti would find us. She never lost that fear. She’s only nine.”
Anonymous asked:
Does Hunter remember the others or just Chase? I want to say he's just nervous, but given the time line split it's possible he only remembers his dad. Izzy clearly remembers it all though, so?
“I remember mostly kind of,” says Hunter, looking up at his dad. “Cause Uncle JJ was just born, but he’s a grown-up still.”
Chase snorts. “Is that how we put it?”
“Cause it was Halloween and then we were trick or treating and Mum got called and you said ‘don’t come over!’ Cause my bad uncle came with him.”
Chase glances over at Jameson, who is still just picking at the grass.
“You have a good memory for a little one,” says Henrik. He looks down at the child and feels a deep sense of shame to have forgotten his own nephew. He knows it’s not his fault, but that doesn’t really make it better. He kneels down in front of Chase and smiles at Hunter as best he can, even if he’s uncomfortable. “Do you remember me?”
“Uncle Sheep,” says Hunter, squirming shyly against Chase’s chest.
Henrik laughs a bubbling laugh and smiles with his crooked front teeth. “Yes,” he says quietly, patting his leg. “Uncle Sheep.”
“Chase!”
He looks over to see Stacy waving for him. Chase sits up straight and pats Hunter’s head. “Hunt, can you wait here with Uncle Sheep while I go check on your sister?”
“Mh. Okay, Dad. Not for too long, though.”
“Okay, sweetie, there’s my darling.”
Anonymous asked:
Marvin, Jackie is feeling a bit like you're better off after being away from him. Can you give him some reassurances? If you want to, of course, I know things are still tense.
Chase moves towards Izzy and Stacy while Marvin returns to the others, trying to smile despite a synth wave of nerves tightening in his stomach. Henrik and Jackie look up at him as he approaches. JJ plucks grass.
“Um. Hi,” says Marvin.
“Thought you were staying on the bus,” says Jackie numbly.
“Well, I… remembered some things.”
“Oh. Good, then.”
A dry silence. Hunter is following a grasshopper through the grass, crawling towards Jameson for a moment. JJ jumps and gets to his feet, walking towards a nearby tree and sitting down again, turning his back to the others. Marvin only catches his gaze for a second, but it’s long enough for him to see the bandages wrapped around his face from the cut he gave him. His fists curl and uncurl. He stares at the ground.
“I just thought I’d catch you up on Izzy’s power,” says Marvin. “I know it’s a little out of the blue. But magic starts young in kids and - ”
“Henrik explained,” says Jackie.
Henrik flashes a peace sign.
“Oh. Great.”
“Yeah, good. You’re still feeling well, Schneep?”
“Fine, really.”
“Great.”
Hunter has caught the grasshopper, playing with it in his hands. Nobody else does anything.
“Um, Jackie, can we talk over here?” asks Marvin weakly, pointing away from the group.
Jackie flushes. “I think I better stay here and make sure everything’s okay,” he answers, gaze moving away from Marvin and refusing to come back again.
“Jackie - ”
“Blue,” says Jackie tightly. “We’re just going to fight again. So how about we just… don’t, okay?”
Marvin stares at him, blinking. He sighs and shakes his head, feet shifting uncertainly in the grass.
“You can call me Marvin.”
“What?”
“You can call me Marvin,” he repeats, quieter still.
It’s Jackie’s turn to stare at him. Some of the heat leaves his face.
“Oh,” he says again. “Good. Great, that’s… yeah, you just needed some time away, that’s…”
He gets up and stalks over to join JJ by the tree, fists clenched.
“Jackie!”
Anonymous asked:
JJ are you feeling okay? I know you're owed quite a few apologies around this group, so if you're bitter it's understandable.
“Not bitter,” he replies lightly, shooting you a small smile. “No worries. Just not good around people I don’t know. Anymore. I think it’s better if I have some space from the kids. And Stacy. I’m just - just meant to stick with my brothers.”
He pauses, plucking at the grass again.
“Not really sure I want to talk to Blue now, though,” he adds. “Just a quiet day in the park, please. I don’t want to get… put back in that headspace again.”
scunneredzombie asked:
Jackie, what's upset you? Marvin is back with you and they're willing to talk. Wouldn't it be good to talk and fix things between you two?
“Jackie.”
He can hear his twin coming after him, but he doesn’t turn.
“Rose!”
Marvin catches his shoulder, pulling him back to him. “Talk to me.”
Jackie flashes him a look, eyes watering, and turns away again. Marvin squeezes his shoulder, blowing out a breath of air.
“Can’t talk or choosing not to talk?”
Jackie shrugs, mouth trembling a little. Marvin sighs and steers him to the side.
“Let’s go talk, okay? If you can. Come on.”
They sit on a bench closer to the pond in the park. Marvin decides to give Jackie a little time, and, after confirming no strangers are close, he uses a little magic to grow hyacinth in the water of the pond. A group of ducks goes nuts.
“I can’t make you happy,” manages Jackie, wiping at his face. “I’ve never been able to.”
“Jackie, it’s not about that, dammit, it’s not your job to make me happy!”
“Then what am I even here for?” snaps Jackie, turning on him.
“For yourself, Jackie, shit!”
“Yeah, well, that sucks,” he snarls. “I don’t care, I just want to - I just - I can’t make ANY of you happy and I’m just shit at this and I - I - ”
Jackie lets his head fall back against the back of the bench, burying his face in his hands. Marvin lets out a sigh that’s almost a scream of frustration, grabbing his hand and letting his own head fall against Jackie’s shoulder.
“Jackie,” he groans. “I can’t… can’t force you to understand you’re worth more than your ability to be an overprotective, overinvolved older brother. Oh, honey, what am I going to do with you?”
Anonymous asked:
Jackie, starlight boy, burning flame. You are important too. You deserve to be happy just the same as your brothers. Anti's rules don't matter here. You are a separate being from your family. You are a whole person all on your own. You deserve happiness and comfort, and you won't achieve that through working yourself to death and pushing yourself to the brink trying to make everyone happy. You need to listen to Marvin. Be there for yourself for a change. Bring joy to yourself instead of the others, just every now and again. Start slow, but this needs to change.
“What does this have to do with Anti’s rules?” spits Jackie, kneading at his hands. “I’m not like him anymore.”
“Jackie, you still just act like big brother a hundred percent of the time.”
“I am big brother! A hundred percent of the time!”
“Would you listen to everyone for a second?” Marvin demands, taking hold of his shoulder. “You have to look after yourself too. I know it’s only been a couple days, but I just needed some time to get my head straight without worrying about… how I’m not what any of you need me to be, or how embarrassed I feel when you see me weak… I didn’t want to admit how much I need to work on myself because it was scary to face that. And because - well, I hated myself, Jackie.”
Jackie looks up at him, eyebrows drawn back.
“I hated Marvin for not being able to save everyone,” he says. “I wanted to separate myself from all the pain he went through, but I couldn’t. Blue - Blue was the person I became to survive. The truth is I don’t think I was ready to put that person aside because I didn’t feel safe being Marvin yet. I was scared of how much brokenness I would have to admit to, how much I would have to feel, and how much work it’s going to take to start healing. So I just… stayed Blue.”
“How did you stop being scared?” asks Jackie weakly.
“I’m still terrified! Are you joking? It makes my heart race just thinking about it. But I realized that I have to start taking steps or I’ll be stuck as miserable, hurting Blue forever - and what’s worse, I will drive you all away too. Blue only knows how to fight and take care of you all in emergencies. Marvin - he’s his own person too. I have to start being him again. And you, Jackie, Ro - you are everything to us. We all love you. Even if we didn’t, you’d still be worth loving and you’d still deserve some joy for yourself.”
Jackie kicks at the dirt beneath his feet, shaking his head.
“Jackie,” sighs Marvin. “Have you been doing anything for yourself at all these past couple weeks?”
“What do you mean? I got a job, I found us an apartment, I found Chase’s kids, I - ”
“That’s all been for us,” Marvin protests. “All of it.”
“I went to therapy!”
“Once, Jackie! And even then I think you were doing it for us!”
He doesn’t have an answer for that. Digs the toes of his shoes into the ground and closes his eyes.
“Aren’t there things that you want? Aren’t there things that you feel that you need to process? Why have we been avoiding each other, Jackie? Why don’t you spend time with me anymore? Why are you hiding yourself and everything you want from me?”
Anonymous asked:
Good question Marvin. Jackie, what are you avoiding? What are you escaping by being an overinvolved workaholic and avoiding emotions with your brothers? You seem so miserable below the facade of being 'big brother the provider', surely you have emotions you need to talk about. You need something for yourself, you need to care about Jackie too, not just the others. You deserve to look after /you/ too.
“You going to talk to me about it?” asks Marvin.
Jackie stares down at the ground. His fists are clenched against his knees.
“Jackie. What’s the problem? What’s the fear?”
But his brother doesn’t say anything.
Marvin rubs at his head and leans back against the bench, touching Jackie’s gloved hand.
“Break in half,” whispers Jackie.
“What?”
Jackie has gone silent again. Marvin waits a long time, but he doesn’t say anything more. Marvin squeezes his palm and rests his head on his shoulder for a minute, frustrated and worried at the same time. He plants a kiss there against his twin’s shoulder, exhausted.
“I’m sorry we fought. That I ran off like that. That I scared you. I love you.”
Jackie nods rapidly.
Anonymous asked:
I think Jackie means he's trying to avoid a breakdown by working and focusing on you guys because he can't face his own trauma without crashing and burning, breaking in two. Am I close JBM?
Marvin’s brow furrows as he tries to meet Jackie’s eyes, but his brother just turns his head away, shrinking in on himself and clutching his ribs like he has a stomachache. Marvin rubs at his back, setting his head down again.
“My Roser…”
“I don’t want to talk about this, Marv,” protests Jackie.
“Because you’ll get upset?”
Jackie groans, rocking his torso back and forth.
“Well, we don’t have to, okay?” murmurs Marvin, keeping a steady pressure on his back. “But even if you’re scared of what will happen, at some point you have to start dealing with how you feel, Jackie. Love, you’re miserable. I’m sorry I’ve been too self-absorbed to help, I truly am. I think I wanted you to save me from myself, but - ”
“Then I should have!” cries Jackie. “Then I should have been there and I - ”
“Jackie! I’m the only one who can save me from myself. I just need help sometimes… not saving. And I know you would have done what you could if I had reached out and just asked. You have to start dealing with your own shit too. Because I know how it feels to just be holding on to the hope that things will magically get better, but the truth is that even if the rest of us were all suddenly happy, that wouldn’t make you happy too, Jackie. You’re holding on to something that’s not going to happen. And I don’t want to see it all come crashing down around you. Please - find a healthy way to start dealing with this shit. I don’t want to see you miserable anymore. I love you. And Jackie… if you really can’t get through this without breaking in half - then break, Jackie. And let us, for once, pick up some of your pieces.”
Jackie’s eyes are red, his mouth shaking. He pulls on his hair and hides his face between his wrists. “No more talking.”
Anonymous asked:
Might be best to drop it for now Marv. But Jackie, they're right. It's okay to break down sometimes. It's not your responsibility to make things perfect, you have limits and trauma too. Keep that in mind, and keep going go therapy. Your family is here for you.
“Okay,” sighs Marvin. “That’s enough for now. Sorry if I lectured… I know I’m the one who messed things up. Well, neither of us should have acted the way we did. I’m just worried about you.”
“But you’re coming home tonight. Things will be better.”
“Jackie. I think maybe JJ could use a little more space. Besides, I really can’t come home until I’m sure the two of us aren’t going to fight like we did again. That wasn’t fair to ourselves or each other - and especially not to our brothers.”
“What? No, you’re coming home tonight.”
Marvin shakes his head at him. “Jackie. Please don’t start.”
“I want you to come home! Now! Where are you staying?”
“I’m staying with some of the magicians in town. I - ”
“Where?”
“I don’t really think you need to know.”
“Don’t need to know? You’re going to stay with strangers and I won’t even know where? What, you’re scared I’m going to come and embarrass you? You don’t want to see me? You don’t - ”
“Jackie, stop!” Marvin snaps, clapping his hands in front of his face. “We are not shouting at each other anymore, period! You need to start doing things for yourself. You need to get rid of all this pent-up fury and all this fucking pain and just - gah! You’re driving me crazy, love, don’t you know I’m in the same position as you, feeling like I can’t help you heal? You have to start making steps for yourself, Jackie, have to, have to.”
“And then you’ll come home?”
“Yes, I swear. When I feel ready and we’re both working on things, yes. I never want to scream at you like that again, Jackie. Do you understand that?”
“You could come home and not scream,” offers Jackie. “Please.”
Marvin hugs him to his chest, rubbing his shoulder. “I’m going to go check on Stacy. Just think about what I’ve said, and listen to the cameras, okay? You can call Stacy’s phone if you need me. Come on, give me a hug goodbye.”
Jackie pulls him reluctantly against his side, buzzing with frustration. He squeezes Marvin so tight he hears him grunt before he lets him go again.
“My Roser,” says Marvin again, fondly, and Jackie reaches out to run his thumb over the silver rose ring on his finger before he lets his twin walk away again.
Anonymous asked:
I'm so proud of you Marvin. You finally know you are someone worth loving, someone worthy of healing and happiness. Don't let this realization slip away, keep finding yourself and growing past the pain. You deserve it, you deserve to heal.
Marvin smiles weakly, letting a white rose bloom between his fingers, the petals soft against his hand. “Thank you. I’m trying my best. It’s going to be a lot of work. But I don’t want to let this go again. Don’t want to let my fear rule me anymore. I have to get better - for them, but for me, too. I deserve that. Marvin deserves that. Even though he’s made mistakes.”
He steels himself before returning to Stacy and takes a detour towards the tree by the benches.
“Jamie?” he calls quietly.
His little brother looks up with one big, clear blue eye. Marvin breathes deeply and forces himself to look at the bandage around the other side of his face. The pain that he gave to him because he let himself lose control.
“Hey,” he says, trying to smile, without much luck. “I know you’re not really ready to talk and that’s okay. I’ll try you again sometime. But for now, I just wanted to say I’m really sorry… and I lied when I said I didn’t love you.”
Jameson stares up at him. Marvin leans carefully down and offers him the white rose, which JJ accepts with a tiny smile and curling white fingers.
“You are a piece of my heart,” Marvin says quietly. “And I’m sorry I tried to forget that. I will do what I can to make it up to you.”
Jameson smiles shyly up at him. Marvin lets his fingers scratch over his brother’s beard, just for a moment, before rising and turning away.
Anonymous asked:
Jackie you have to start doing things for yourself. You are deserving. You are worthy without even having to try. You matter to your brothers, you matter to Stacy and the kids, you matter to Max. You should do things just for you, like the yo-yo you got. Things that you do just to make yourself happy, with no relation to the others. Try it, please? Just to see how good it helps you feel, how brave and strong it helps you become.
Jackie sighs out, slumping back on the bench. Even thinking about some of the things he wants… it’s so scary. Not just what he would feel and how it could hurt, but the way he could be rejected, let down, left still unhappy even after he tried to get better. It’s not fair. It’s too hard. He wishes the things that made him sad were just enemies he could beat up or faults in the code on his computer screen.
There’s a tongue-click behind him and he looks over his shoulder to see Jamie coming towards him, a flower big as his palm in one hand. He leans over the back of the bench and drapes himself over Jackie’s shoulders, grinning at him from the side. Jackie chuckles, messing up his hair. JJ comes to sit down beside him and rests against his side, petting the rose as he examines it, quiet by the pond as the ducks race in circles and weave through the water.
So happiness, Jackie supposes, is not completely elusive. But he’s going to figure out how to start getting it for himself - and that, if he’s honest, sounds harder than killing a monster.
Everyone tries to readjust after Blue leaving. Henrik comes awake. JJ and Jackie find a mirror. Masterlist
Tws for discussions of past torture and abuse and for animal cruelty/dead animals (cats). Tws may not be completely exhaustive - keep in mind the heaviness of the fic and look out for yourself.
Thank you to @lehhoh7822 for taking the time to compile this book!
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crystalninjaphoenix asked:
Jackie, you can't do it like this, you'll just end up hurting him. And Marvin has a point. You all need to relearn who you are without the others to define you. I'm not saying I agree with him leaving so suddenly, and like this, but he needs time. You can watch him from afar, make sure he's safe, but don't interfere for now. Please?
Jackie crashes down on the nearest bench, dragging his hood down low over his eyes, hiding from everything. He looks lost even with the apartment just a few minutes away, and cold even though it’s summer and barely drizzling rain. His dazed eyes turn to you.
“What do I… what do I do?”
Anonymous asked:
Try not to panic is first thing Jackie. Blue needs some space to heal, but you still have other brothers to take care of for now. Go searching for Blue tomorrow, you know where he's going, but for now I think he needs time to cool down the flames in his gut. Go take care of the others, worry about Blue tomorrow. JJ may have been retraumatized and Chase was crying, they need a big brother to protect them.
He’s gone numb and tired, slodging back to the apartment like his body is too heavy to carry. His head aches from having his hair pulled. He wants Blue.
Jackie pushes the door of the apartment open.
Everything is dead quiet inside. The lights are off, except from the bathroom. Jackie frowns, looking for them in the kitchen and living room, but they aren’t there. He thought they would be out here looking after each other, cuddled up and safe.
Everything is silent.
Anonymous asked:
Chase? JJ? Henrik? Are you guys home? Jackie is back.
Jackie paces to the bathroom. Water runs inside, alongside the noise of someone mumbling under his breath.
“Chase?”
A faint pause.
“Who is it?” asks his rough voice.
“It’s Jackie.”
The water shifts and splashes softly in the room. Jackie smells vomit.
“Can I come in?”
“No. Leave me alone. I don’t want to see either of you.”
Jackie sighs, letting his head thump against the door. “Is Schneep okay?”
“No. He flipped out. Clawing at his face, crying. Threw up all over himself. I’m trying to clean his poor fucking coat up a little.”
“Is he with you?”
“I laid him down with JJ once he calmed down. Leave them alone, Jackie. Just leave us alone.”
“I’m just going to check on them. Chase… I’m sorry.”
No answer from the unforgiving wood of the door.
Anonymous asked:
Jackie, it's okay that not everything is okay right now. We don't need another fight, just trust that everyone's handling themselves in their own way, and you can worry about each other and talk it out in the morning. Give Blue some time and space, let him figure himself out. Do what Chase asks for now. I know you're feeling antsy about everyone crumbling down after making some headway, but trust that things will work out, and let everyone calm down. That includes you too.
“Okay,” murmurs Jackie, pulling away from the door. “Just… tell me if you need anything, Chaser.”
Water sloshing. Silence.
Jackie slinks towards the twins’ room, but finding it empty, he checks JJ’s instead. The lights are off, but the light of their one phones is held up in the corner, and to his surprise neither of his brothers are asleep.
“You’re alright.” Just whispering in the low-light. “Hold still now, my brother. Yes, there, be calm. We are alright. You see, just a little blood, and here is the good doctor, yes? Shhh, be calm now, no more biting your teeth like so. Here we are. We’re alright.”
Jackie steps tentatively into the room.
His brother turns to him, eyes gleaming through his glasses. “Red, careful now,” he warns softly, turning back to JJ. “We’re a little freaked out, huh, my brother? But is okay. Just time for some quiet. Everyone will be quiet.”
Dok is cleaning the blood carefully from JJ’s cut eye. This close, Jackie can see that it’s worse than he thought. The blood coats JJ’s eye, which has swollen nastily, purple and black. The thorned vine from whatever plant Blue conjured struck him right in the face. His expression is stiff, teeth bared and his good eye wide. Dok holds to the back of his head. His grip is gentle, but Jackie recognizes its purpose nonetheless - to grab him by the hair and yank him back if he tries to attack someone.
It makes Jackie’s heart hurt, but he’s distracted by Henrik. He creeps a little closer and touches his back.
“Schneep? You’re with us again?”
JJ snarls at Jackie, biting his teeth at him, and Dok holds him carefully, shushing him as he washes his face.
“Red,” he murmurs. “You know you are not allowed in Dapper’s room. Maybe you should go.”
“Anti’s gone, though, Schneep. It’s okay.”
“Oh? How long will he be gone?”
Jackie’s mind flits between different answers.
“Anyway, Dapper does not know that,” adds Dok, before he can say anything. “Just knows that this is against rules.”
JJ stares up at Jackie, eyes narrow. His survival mechanisms kicked in again the second he got hurt, and now they’re likely to have to deal with either Dapper or Carver again for as long as he needs. Jackie isn’t sure which mechanism he prefers, but he’s guessing that the way they respond to him now will change which one comes out.
Anonymous asked:
What now Blue? You've run away, you're alone, great. What will you do now?
He brought a camcorder with him at the last moment, but he won’t turn it back on. There would be no glimpse of him at all available to you but for one thing - Chase was correct when he said he was pretty sure Jackie stuck a GoPro in the pocket of one of Blue’s bags. If you come to check on him, you will see just an angle of him from his bag thrown on the floor: curled in on himself and crying in the back of a dirty, chewed-up, abandoned school bus, with no one else around.
For now, that’s the only plan he has.
Anonymous asked:
Be gentle with them Jackie, Dapper and Dok are both in survival mode so you need to be cautious and kind to them, and try to gently reality check them until they feel better.
“Gentle, okay, I can be gentle,” murmurs Jackie. At least Henrik is talking. Just hearing his voice… yeah, he can be gentle. He sits down beside the pair of them, leaving a hand on Dok’s shoulder while he works.
“Will his eye be okay?” he asks.
“I am hoping so,” Dok answers. “Just need to keep out infection. Do you remember when he got that cut on his stummy and it got infected?”
“His stummy?” laughs Jackie. “What?”
“His - stomach? Stummy?”
“Tummy? Hahaha.”
Henrik elbows him in the stomach and keeps working, shaking his head while Jackie laughs.
“Tell me about the cut,” he adds softly, once he’s calm again.
“See it is almost through his eye.” Henrik turns JJ’s head carefully. Jackie smiles at him and JJ licks at his mouth, his lips lowering over his teeth again. “I do not believe it has cut into his eye, but I will check again when the swelling is down a little. Was it a knife that Anti cut him with?”
“Anti’s not been here today,” says Jackie. “Henrik, tell me about the room.”
Dok starts, alarmed, and turns to gape at Jackie, who grips his shoulder. “Henrik is - I’m not - how did you - ?”
“Hey. Henrik. It’s okay. Anti’s not here.”
Henrik is still, eyes flickering around the room.
“Tell me about the room,” repeats Jackie.
Dok purses his mouth nervously. “Is he in my head?”
“I think you’re just a little disoriented. Bear with me, okay?”
Henrik scans the room, worrying at his lip while JJ leans back against the wall, rubbing wearily at his good eye.
“Um. White walls. White door, white closet. Red and brown blankets and a backpack full of Dapper’s things.”
“JJ’s things,” says Jackie. “Schneep. Anti’s gone. We’re in Ireland and we’re safe. Just… a bad fight. That’s all.”
Henrik stares at the blank wall across from him, swallowing. Jackie waits for him to say something more, but he just returns to JJ and starts wrapping bandages around his head, as they have no eyepatch.
Anonymous asked:
Dok, do you know where you are? Jackie knows your name for a reason. You're free from your monster, no one here will hurt you.
“Dok.” Jackie touches his chin, trying to pull him back to him. “Henrik, it’s okay. Do you know where you are?”
Dok whimpers, avoiding his eyes. Jackie scratches slowly at his beard and murmurs to him, calling his name.
“You’re safe, okay?”
“No… no. I’m…”
Jackie soothes at his chin. At his head. At his shoulders. Leans in and presses their skulls together as Henrik begins to moan and clutch at his chest and neck, shaking his head.
“No, no.”
“Henrik, you’re here with me.”
“Something - bad happened to me?” croaks Henrik, tears beginning to drip down his face. “Something bad happened to me.”
“Yeah,” whispers Jackie. “Yeah, it did.”
“I want Trick, I want Trick. Why won’t he come get me? Can he hear me crying? I want my brother. I can’t move… the bugs are eating the blood off of my skin.”
“You can move. You’re safe. You’re clean.” Jackie rocks him against his chest, squeezing his hand. “I’m so sorry, Schneep… we tried to get to you sooner. Didn’t mean to leave you behind.”
Anonymous asked:
Something bad did happen, Henrik, but you're safe now. You're free and safe, and Trick is right there in the bathroom. Your brothers are here and they came to get you. They rescued you and you're so, so safe. Everything will be okay.
“You’re safe,” Jackie tells him, soft in the darkness, again and again. “You’re safe, we’re here, he’s gone… We’re all going to be alright. You’re safe.”
He signs it like a blessing against his heart, cupping his hands in front of him and pulling them back to Henrik’s chest. Safe. Safe. Me, you, here, safe.
JJ watches drowsily from his blankets and pillows, the left side of his face patched in gauze and bandages. Nothing attacks or hurts him. After a long time, he lies down and puts his head on Henrik’s thigh. Jackie knows this is more Dapper than Jameson, but all that matters for now is that he is calm and safe, safe, safe.
Henrik cries and shakes, moaning and whispering to himself, but his fingers tangle in Jameson’s hair and stroke at his head, and he lets Jackie rock him and chant his reassurances. It must take more than an hour before any peace returns to him, but Henrik goes quiet too in time, his face red and swollen with the crying, lying against Jackie’s shoulder and gazing at nothing. He wipes at his snotty nose and clings to his brother’s jacket.
“So much pain,” he whispers. “I… I could not escape it. Again and again… he just kept hurting me. I begged to die. I tried… I tried to die…”
Jackie trembles and tightens around him. Henrik does not speak again. He closes his eyes and rests there, until he has fallen asleep against Jackie’s neck, his glasses askew on his face.
Jackie sucks in a deep, shaken breath, and looks down to find Jameson just as soundly asleep in Henrik’s lap, his face soft with sleep. He lies Henrik gently down on the blankets beside him, getting up on legs now numb from the way he has been curled up for hours.
“Chase?” he calls softly, returning to the bathroom. “Thought you’d want to know Schneep’s in JJ’s room…”
There’s no answer. He creeps through the rest of the house, searching for him, but there’s nothing there. It’s just as his heart is beginning to beat another frantic rhythm against his ribs that he finds the note on the door.
Went for a walk to clear my head. I’ll be back later. Don’t give Dok the soup, I accidentally bought regular bacon instead of turkey. -Chase
Jackie rocks on his heels and scratches at his exhausted face, hardly reassured. He hates this - them being away from him. Not being where they’re supposed to be. Something will happen! They won’t come back! A thousand scenarios run through his head at once - robbers, traffickers, cops, magicians, gangs, wild animals, Dark, Anti, demons, monsters -
His hand is on the handle of the door, gripping it too tight. Go after them. He wants to go after them.
But… you said to give Chase some space.
And Henrik and JJ are here, asleep and hurting. What would they do if someone came to the house?
He has to stay here.
Because sometimes being a good big brother… maybe it’s not guarding them all day or working so they can have every little thing they need. Sometimes it’s just staying at home.
Maybe. His panicked brain isn’t really convinced - but he can do this.
“I can do this,” he whispers.
And if he’s a better big brother, then Blue will come home, won’t he?
Jackie slips back into JJ’s room, moving their little first aid kit out of the way before sinking down onto the blankets beside them. He watches them breathe for long minutes. Alive, alive. Safe, safe, safe.
“Mrrr?”
Noodle has padded into the room, regarding the sleepover with big golden eyes. Jackie clucks his tongue at him and Noodle hurries over to be scratched, butting into his head before leaping onto his chest and curling up right there on his shirt.
“Guess it’s just you and me, Mr. Noodle,” Jackie murmurs, scratching at his ears. “If anybody comes in while I’m asleep, you’ll fuck ‘em up, right, man?”
“Mih,” says Noodle, licking his finger.
“Yeah,” says Jackie, closing his eyes. “I knew it.”
He is grateful to whatever God is real that he manages to fall asleep.
Anonymous asked:
Chase? Is it okay if we keep you company? I know you're mad and if you need your space that's fine. Just letting you know we're here if you need us.
The keys to the apartment scrape against the lock late that night, accompanied by soft swearing. A couple tries and the keys go in, the door swings open, and there is Chase.
His eyes flicker to the beeping of a camera left on the kitchen table almost immediately, and if he weren’t already so flushed and red in the face he might blush from the guilt of you seeing him first thing as he comes home. “Sorry,” he says. “I should have maybe brought a camera with me, I just, uh… needed a break.”
He comes through the door on heavy footsteps, almost tripping over the welcome mat left by whoever it was that lived in the apartment before them. He giggles as he straightens up and heads to the fridge, mumbling as he shifts through what little food they have.
“Stupid cheesecake,” he laughs, pulling it out. “Can’t get anybody to eat this fucking cheesecake. He calls me amata and he won’t even eat my cheesecake, now he’s gone.”
He bursts into laughter, loud in the quiet of the house, and he drops one of their plastic plates as he tries to get it out of the cupboard.
“Shit, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he whispers. “What a fuck-up, I’m sorry.”
He gets a piece of cheesecake and sinks down against the dishwasher as he eats it, shaking his head.
Anonymous asked:
Chase did you drink? That's not good, you know that's not good for you.
Chase stares at the wall, shaking his head. He takes another bite of cheesecake.
“What do you want me to say?”
Anonymous asked:
Chase, I don't know if he still is, but Henrik was 'awake' for a while here with Jackie. Jackie took care of him until they all went to sleep.
“Good, yeah,” sighs Chase, getting back to his feet. “That’s nice, he wakes up the minute I leave.”
He puts his plate in the sink and tugs his shoes off, throwing them by the door. “I’m going to bed,” he says. “Good night.”
He pauses as he walks down the hall, turning back to you in the darkness, and for a second the aggression and hurt melt away and he just looks small.
“Um, don’t tell Red about this. Good night.”
He’ll sleep in his own room, alone.
~
Anonymous asked:
I haven't send much asks at all since the beginning of the healing arc (because it kinda stresses me out) but I'd like for Chase to finally be with Henrik during one of his moments out of his head. I feel like he really needs it, even if just for a short while. And also Noodle, Noodle is always good :3 -A
He wakes up hungover as fuck.
The light hurts and his stomach rolls in circles. He sits up and clutches at his ribs, squeezing his eyes shut.
The door bursts open and he groans, ducking down to hide under the covers. He does not want to get up.
“Chase,” scolds Jackie. “I’ve been calling for you. I’m heading out to go get Blue.”
“What? Jackie… that’s a bad idea.”
“I’ll see you tonight, okay?”
“Don’t you have work?”
“This is more important!”
“He doesn’t want you to follow him!”
Jackie just leaves, returning to the kitchen. Chase can hear him moving around as he gets ready for the day. He rolls back over in bed, clutching his head.
What does it even matter if he gets up? No one’s listening to him.
His cat finds the open door soon enough, and then there’s a rough tongue licking at his forehead. He opens his blankets just enough to let Noodle squeeze down beside him and tries to go back to sleep.
“Having a lie-in today?”
He jolts up so fast he almost makes himself sick. Chase clamps his hands over his mouth and stares at the figure in the doorway with huge eyes.
“Wow,” says Henrik, raising his eyebrows at him. “You look great.”
But Chase doesn’t throw a rejoinder back at him, just stares.
“Trick?” asks Henrik softly, the smile fading off his face, and something in Chase snaps in half, and he closes his eyes and starts to cry.
Anonymous asked:
Hey doc, uhhh, can you tell us where you and Trick are right now? Just curious...
Chase’s hand drops from his face, his mouth settling as he waits for the answer. Henrik steps over into their nest and sits down beside him, scratching Noodle’s ears.
“Red says we’re in Ireland,” he says, his eyes looking up to meet Chase’s. “I’m glad. Did not like the house in America very much. Too big and too lonely.”
Chase stares at him, eyebrows knitted together. Henrik clucks his tongue softly and reaches out to touch his cheek, soothing his thumb across his face.
“Have I been gone so long?”
“Very long,” whispers Chase.
Henrik’s gaze falls to the ground and he shakes his head, ashamed.
“Will you go away again?” asks Chase.
“I don’t know,” says his twin. “I don’t know. Something… very bad happened to me.”
Anonymous asked:
Chase, make sure to be open about your feelings right now while he's here with you. You being open and genuine might help him stay awake longer this time. And let him be just as open about his experiences. Like he said, something really bad happened. Don't be too saddened if he needs more time to cope.
“Right,” whispers Chase.
And then he remembers himself, and the light comes back to him, and he’s reaching forward to grab Henrik’s face in return, his breathing picking up as he registers that, at long last - his brother is here.
“Dok, Dok,” he croaks, and then they end up wrapped around each other in a hug, with Chase squishing him to his chest so hard it hurts both of them a little bit, but it doesn’t matter. He pulls his hands through Henrik’s soft hair and kisses the side of his face, whimpering.
“Mein zwilling, don’t cry,” laughs Henrik. “What’s the matter?”
“Nothing, nothing.”
“No, be honest, they said.”
“Nothing is wrong now that you’re here. You can take all the time you need. I just needed to see you. I was scared you might be stuck in your head forever. Dok… what do you remember?”
Henrik pulls back a little, pushing at his glasses. “Just bits and pieces. Since I blanked out in the last few days, very little.”
“Henrik,” murmurs Chase, rubbing his shoulder. “It’s been more than a month since Blue killed Anti.”
Henrik blinks, glancing away. “Oh.”
“Yeah.” Chase doesn’t know what else to tell him. Henrik nods to himself for a moment, and they lie down on the blankets together, both scratching opposite sides of Noodle’s head as he purrs.
“He is… dead?” asks Henrik, and it’s Chase’s turn to be surprised.
“Yes,” he tells him. “Yes. You don’t have to be scared of him anymore.”
Henrik’s mouth twitches towards a smile, but his eyes look down. He hums and shakes his head.
“And you, Trick, um. How are you doing with that?”
“With… Anti? Being dead?”
“Yes, sweetie.”
“Dok. It’s a good thing.”
Henrik looks up again. “It’s a good thing?”
“It’s a good thing,” Chase repeats.
Henrik shifts, touching Chase’s hand for a second, like checking that he’s there. “It’s good he’s dead?”
“It’s very good,” he whispers back. “And you can call me Chase.”
Henrik bites down on his mouth. Shakes his head. Grabs Chase’s shoulder, shaking.
“I can call you Chase?”
“Yes. Yeah, of course.”
“You’re glad he’s dead?”
“I’m - ” Chase devolves into stuttering, too overwhelmed. He grabs at Henrik’s face. He wants to lie in their nest with him for hours like they used to. He never wants to be away from him again. “I’m your Chase.”
Henrik bursts into raw laughter, clutching at his shoulders. “My Chase.”
“I should have known sooner, Dok. I should have - I should have saved you, I - ”
“What does it matter?” cries Henrik, sobbing as he grips him harder, leaving red marks in his shoulders. His eyes shine like sun through the sea and his crooked smile beams. “What does anything matter but that you are here with me and you know who you are again?”
Chase is laughing too. Chase is crying too.
“Henrik.”
“That’s my name! That’s my name! Yes. Chase. My brother. Oh, love, oh, love. Don’t you know it was all for this?”
Anonymous asked:
I really want to see Chase and Henrik have a proper conversation about what they both experienced in those last days with Anti, and how it affected their relationship with each other! I feel like we haven't seen enough of how they're doing since everyone's been focused on trying to help Blue.
“How did this happen?” is the first thing Henrik asks when they have regained some control over themselves, and they are sitting side-by-side in their nest, with nothing to hide from and a purring cat between them. “What happened? The last I remember, you were still on his side.”
“I can’t believe you’re not mad for everything I did to you,” says Chase. “Or - failed to do for you. Schneep, I heard you screaming some days and I…”
“Chase,” says Henrik softly. “He was in your head.”
Chase looks up at him, eyes watery. “I still should have fought harder.”
“It’s done now, my friend.”
“I regret it, though. And the last few weeks, with you being stuck in your head, I just spent the whole time thinking about how I failed you. Trying to take care of you to make up for it somehow.”
“Chase, we can both play this game all too easily. Me, I was the clear-headed one, but I was helpless to get you free of Anti. I was able to do nothing while I watched him strip you of yourself, of your control, of your freedom. Turn you into some puppet. All I could do was bide my time. Was like torture all in itself. Something terrible could have just as easily have happened to you, brother, and then I would be the one sitting here full of guilt that I did not protect you. But this is what we were fighting for, right? For freedom for the two of us? Now we have it. And I know you did fight, Chase… you were so lost in his power no one could pull you out on their own. For weeks there, my friend, you were the one stuck in your head.”
Chase sighs, chuckling weakly as he thinks it through. “Yeah. I guess.”
“Darling,” says Henrik warmly. “No more guilt. Tell me about the fight. I want to hear the story.”
Chase smiles back at him. It’s been a long time since he’s dwelt on that last week before Anti was killed.
“It’s a long story,” he says. “Very long.”
“Get started, then,” grins Henrik.
“Well, Red and Blue escaped.”
“I remember that much. Yes… that’s why he… he…”
“Yeah.” Chase touches his hand gently. “Don’t - don’t think about the stuff he did to you yet if you’re not ready, okay?”
“I’ll try. Distract me.”
“Okay. So after they got away and he, well - he took you away… It was just me and Dapper. He put us both in the same room. And then he just - I remember being flooded by him, you know? Like usually he tried to be subtle about it, but he just… replaced me inside my own head. Enough that I could tell something was wrong, that I got scared. And I could hear you crying out, I knew you were in pain. I was really sick. Half the time totally his, just this… slave. And the other half the time fighting to come back to myself.
"Dapper was my anchor. It was like, when I was going through what he had gone through for months, I could finally see how terrible things were. Anti had stopped me from seeing that from my own perspective, but when I thought about him just being made to be Anti’s little puppy - when I saw him for who he was and for how much Anti had controlled him - then I knew there was a real problem. And me, I was so naive, with my memory all fucked up and Anti still telling me lies. Dapper was hopeless. He didn’t think we would escape at first. I could tell how scared he was, but he just… couldn’t start the fight on his own. We ended up balancing each other out, I think. He had the experience, the wisdom, the clarity I needed to find. And I tried to get him fighting again. Once he did lift his head up again, Dok… fuck, did he fight.”
“Yeah? He was himself too?”
“Yeah. He’s a good guy. He was still sad over Anti when it was time, though. We both were. Actually… none of us had the guts to end him. Except Blue.” Chase bites on his lip, shaking his head. “I think it’s really messed him up, Schneep.”
Henrik leans forward, squeezing his fingers. “Tell me everything.”
So Chase does - lets it pour out in a wave and watches his words fill Henrik’s ears and settle down into his brain. Watches Henrik listen.
Listen in the way that only Henrik does. Every word from Chase’s mouth is important. Must be processed and examined and, if any concern is to be found, addressed.
Chase tells him that Jackie can’t think about anything but work and his brothers, that he gets in fights and doesn’t spend time with them, lost in thinking about the future. He tells him that JJ is good half of the time and the other half he is obsessive, nervous, sickly, and in grief. He tells him that Blue has become someone Chase barely recognizes, that he lashes out and hurts all day long, that he seems to be reaching out to him at the same time as he shoves them all away, and that now he’s run away from home, and they don’t know what’s happening with him.
Henrik nods, chews his lip, considers. Chase sees him planning. After so long, he knows what it looks like when the gears in Henrik’s head are turning faster than anybody else in the world could follow, and he’s more than content to just watch him think.
“And you?” says Henrik, when he has arrived at a conclusion to whatever thought process has moved through his head. “How are you?”
Chase looks down, his long eyelashes falling on his freckled cheeks.
“I’m okay most of the time,” he says. “Just… I just… I’m glad you’re here. Really, really glad.”
Anonymous asked:
Little late, but it was your birthday recently Henrik! Chase are you going to celebrate with him? Even if he's 'sleeping' that day, just having a quiet day together in the midst of the chaos would be lovely, yeah?
“Your birthday,” gasps Chase. “Shit, I didn’t even - we have to celebrate! There’s still cheesecake. We can go do something fun, or - ”
“Nuh-uh-uh,” chides Henrik, sitting up in their pile of blankets. “No, we’ll celebrate another time. We can have our birthday together or something, does not matter. For now, I have been asleep too long, and if yesterday is anything to go by, we need to start sorting out things around here. I go quiet a couple months and you all lose your minds.”
Chase snorts, sitting back as Henrik stands up and starts picking out his own outfit for the first time in weeks. “Schneep, everything’s been nuts cause all five of us are still trying to recover from the shit that happened to us together, even though we’re all equally fucked-up. What are you going to change? I mean, I’m happy to see you. We all will be.”
“Where’s Blue?”
“Um. That was the fight yesterday. He kind of ran off on his own.”
“Well, then, sounds like he needs a good talking to. And I must check on Jameson’s poor bruised eye. And Jackie - you said he is being crazy.”
“Not crazy, just a little…”
“Crazy.”
“And you’re going to sort this all out for us, huh?” asks Chase, smiling.
“I will help,” says Henrik sternly, straightening his glasses and tugging on a clean shirt. “What can I do to help? Oh, Jackie, you’re still here.”
They’ve wandered out into the living room, where Jackie looks back at them, startled.
“And you’re still talking.”
“Feel okay today,” replies Henrik pleasantly. “Were you not going?”
Jackie shrugs, lingering by the door. “I was gonna. But the landlord stopped by. We got some noise complaints last night.”
“Figures,” grumbles Chase. “You were both screaming. We could have had the Garda called.”
“Well, is done now,” says Henrik. “We be more quiet in the future. Jackie, where are you going?”
“I’m going to go get Blue.”
“Oh? He ran off just yesterday and you’re going to go get him? Does he want you coming after him?”
Jackie’s face heats. He avoids Henrik’s gaze pointedly.
Henrik shakes his head at him. “Did he ask you not to come after him?”
“Seems like there are better things you could be doing with your time than chasing after an unhappy Blue. Anyway I will go talk to him today.”
“But he’s my twin!”
“Well, now you two are fighting, and dragging him home will not fix it. Isn’t there something better you could do?”
Anonymous asked:
Remember you're all trying to break out of the twin system, Jackie. I think Blue might be too upset with you right now for it to be a good idea to go after him.
“I’m upset with him too, but that doesn’t mean he gets to go!” snaps Jackie.
“Oh, gets to,” says Henrik, crossing his arms over his chest. Chase slides into the kitchen behind him, dodging whatever conflict’s about to break out. “We are making rules for each other still?”
Jackie stares at him, lost for words.
“Jackie, come on,” murmurs Henrik. “I would follow you to hell and back, you know I would, but sometimes you listen to your heart so much more than your head. Let Blue be mad. Can’t force him to be happy again.”
Jackie sighs, closing his eyes and letting his head thud back against the wall. “Fine, but just - check on him for me, okay?”
“Sure. Now what will you do with yourself today?”
“I don’t know. Don’t have work. I guess… I could go get that mirror. If that sounds okay.”
“What mirror?” asks Chase.
“Um. I need to check something before I’m sure,” says Jackie. “But I might have a lead on the house in Blue’s mirror dimension.”
“Well, take JJ with you, please,” says Chase, sipping a glass of water in the kitchen. “He can’t be cooped up in the apartment. And anyway I’m not sure it’s a good idea to leave him alone after last night.”
“Is he okay?” asks Jackie dubiously. “Cause I love him, but he freaks me out when he’s all… stuck in the past.”
“Don’t know. Haven’t seen him yet.”
scunneredzombie asked:
What do you plan to say to Blue, Henrik? Blue has been drowning in self hatred and anger ever since killing Anti, it'll take a lot of work and help to get him feeling okay again.
“I just want to see my brother,” says Henrik. “It’s been too long. Last time I was with him, we were both prisoners. He was in a lot of pain then too. I was supposed to… supposed to be with him. We promised. I wish I could have been there. It was Anti’s fault, of course. Still, I miss my brother. Besides, he was so sick. I want to see him. I will put more fat in his face, some color in his cheeks. My brother. He was the only lifeline I had for some time there. My Blue. He deserves better than to have been in so much pain for so long. So everything came down to him at the end? Is not fair. I would have helped him if I could. Now I must try to understand where he is at and what he needs now.”
Henrik pulls a jacket over his shoulders. “You’ve been here. What does he need to hear? He is not always so good at listening.”
Anonymous asked:
JJ, how are you doing? Still feeling like 'Dapper' moreso?
Jackie peeks his head into his room, trying to smile for him, but Dapper’s turned away from him, scribbling in his sketchbook. Jackie sighs and straightens, stepping over to him.
“Not getting lost in there again, are you, man?”
JJ gives him a miniature side-glare, curled over his book. He doesn’t answer.
Jackie crouches down beside him, tugging on the side of his papers to get a look at his drawing despite a low growl from JJ. It’s a bear with a fish in its mouth. He’s just glad it’s not Anti or Dark or unlimited eyes again.
“James. Why don’t we go for a walk?”
“Fine here,” signs JJ shortly. “Go away.”
“Why is it me you’re mad at?”
“Just leave me alone.”
“No, man. You gotta get out of the house. Oh, shit, your medication! Blue was going to help you remember to take it! Are you - ”
“I took it myself, Jackie! I’m not an infant!”
Jackie sits down beside him, yanking the sketchbook away from him. Jameson gapes at him, and then his eyes narrow.
“Don’t even think of coming at me right now,” warns Jackie.
“Oh, yeah, your psycho little brother’s going to attack you, good one.”
“Did you just wake up on the wrong side of the bed or are you going to actually tell me what’s wrong?”
JJ’s shoulders slump. He sits back against the wall and sighs.
“I wish you and Blue hadn’t fought last night.”
Jackie stares at the floor. “Me too.”
“Hard to wake up with a black eye again. I was hoping those days were over. Hard to slip back to my old mindset every time someone hurts me. Like I’m not in control of myself. Just your freak brother. Wish this would all get better.”
“Things are getting better,” says Jackie softly. “Just… gotta keep working. I think I have a lead, actually.”
JJ looks up at him. “What?”
“I think I found a mirror to the house in the woods.”
His little brother blinks, face softening.
“Come with me to go check it out, okay?” offers Jackie, getting to his feet and reaching out for his hand. “Let’s get you out and about. You’re not a freak. You’ve just barely had a chance to readjust. And I’m sorry that the rest of us don’t always give you a stable enough place to try to do that.”
JJ sighs and rubs at his face. But he grabs Jackie’s hand and they get up together.
“You’re my pal, you know that, right?” asks Jackie, looping his arm around him.
“Yeah… most of the time I know that.”
“Come on. Let’s go to the theater and see if we can’t find our way home.”
Anonymous asked:
Blue needs to hear that you don't blame him for what happened with Anti. He kept looking at you and blaming himself because you were stuck in your head. He also needs to hear something about not treating JJ so horribly, he's stuck seeing him as Anti's pet and nothing more. He needs to know that Chase and Jackie still love him even if they're upset with how he's been behaving. There's... a lot he needs to hear if we're honest.
Henrik pulls on his shoes, smiling as Jackie and JJ pass him by to head out, his little brother giving him a squeeze of his hand as he goes. He doesn’t think JJ even noticed he was still awake, but he still tries to look after him. Henrik watches him go. He doesn’t look like that prisoner in the attic. Even with a big bruise on his face, he’s different.
Blue should know that.
Henrik mulls over the words. So quickly he’s come back to a world he’s been away from, but he will just as quickly grasp it and begin healing. He’s determined. When you are both a doctor and a genius, it’s kind of your job.
“Well,” says Henrik, seeing Chase coming from down the hallway to head out. “Here’s hoping he listens.”
.
He looks sick in the broken windows of the abandoned bus, scraping at his thinned-out face, sleepless and lonely.
It’s his own fault, of course. All of it is. But that doesn’t change much. A mouse skitters across the floor and away again, crunching leaves beneath its little paws. His eyes watch it go. It doesn’t matter.
The bus door is shoved open, the wind breathing its way down the rows of tattered seats. He curls in on himself and scowls, shaking his head. “Jackie, I told you to leave me the hell alone!”
“Now is that any way to greet me?”
Blue jerks up, the hair rising on his neck. He’s on his feet so fast he’s actually light-headed for a moment, gripping the backrest of the closest seat as he moves into the alley of the bus, staring.
Henrik raises an eyebrow at him, crossing his arms over his chest. His glasses are straight on his nose, his hair brushed from his eyes. Instead of a torn doctor’s coat, he wears one of Chase’s grey jackets over a t-shirt and sweatpants, his feet in a pair of Jackie’s sneakers. One of his hands is bandaged, still wounded from Anti’s treatment months ago, but most of his injuries are scars now, and he does not limp or wince as he moves.
Casual and calm, standing straight.
His eyes are fixed on Blue for the first time in weeks.
“Henrik?”
A small smile, just as secret and familiar as it used to be, when they were each other’s only ropes on the side of a cliff-face.
“I know my name,” says Henrik. “Do you know yours?”
“Fuck you,” breathes Blue, and then they are crashing into each other as waves crash upon the ocean, and their heads knock together as they hug, their free right hands wrapping together somewhere between their chests, and he hears Henrik whisper:
“I’m with you.”
Blue can’t breathe. He squeezes against Henrik and closes his eyes, buried in his shoulder. Henrik murmurs reassurances to him and rubs his back as he begins to come undone - begins to shake against him, trembling so hard his knees begin to give out. Henrik lowers himself onto a seat, pulling Blue down with him, but Blue won’t be separated from him. Instead of sitting down across from him, he sinks to his knees and crumples over his brother’s legs. Henrik’s hands settle gently in his hair, stroking his scalp.
He wants to talk - wants to ask questions - wants to tell him everything, but -
“I’m with you,” repeats Henrik softly. “I’m with you, my friend.”
Something inside of Blue breaks open, and his eyes well up, and then he is sobbing in Henrik’s lap as his brother brushes his snow-white hair, beyond words.
Their hands wrap together. I’m with you.
Anonymous asked:
Blue, while like with fighting Anti anger and hate can give you motivation to defeat great challenges, anger like this that makes you forget your purpose, makes you forget who you are and what you want, is no longer an essintial part of your life. No longer anger that helps you live, not anger that helps you fight, but anger and hate for the sake of being angry. You have to find a way to break the cycle you've created for yourself, and learn to redirect the hate into a healthy outlet.
“You’re angry, my dear?”
Blue can’t stop crying. He clings to the knee of Henrik’s sweatpants like a little kid.
“Poor Blue,” murmurs Henrik, petting his hair. “Come, now, I know your brothers have been trying to comfort you. That the cameras have good advice. What’s so wrong?”
“I hate the cameras,” sobs Blue. “I hate the others, sometimes. I hate my own face. Everything just reminds me of Anti!”
“That doesn’t mean you can take it out on everyone else, my Blue.”
“I know, I know. I don’t mean to, I just - I feel bad all the time! I hate this!”
“Tell Doktor everything that is wrong, my brother.”
On his knees in front of the heart of his revolution, Blue spills like a cracked vase. If you stay to watch, you will hear them talking for long hours, but much of this stays secret between the pair of them, words Blue has not dared to say aloud to anyone until now - words about violent desires, fear of everything, and the way that his own relentless fury feels so much like Anti’s hatred, and so much like that knife going into his chest while the others screamed. Outside, Chase kicks rocks and builds houses for mice out of rubbish. At the end of it all, when Blue is sitting with his head on Henrik’s shoulder, their hands still clasped together, it comes down to this:
“Is not your fault if you’re being triggered by the others and by all these little things,” says Henrik, still soothing at his hair. “But the way you respond cannot be with all this hatred for everyone else. The cameras are right. You’re still in fight-or-flight mode all the time, Blue. And Anti is gone. So you attack what you see of him around you. Like your little brother…”
Henrik plays with a leaf of a root growing out of Blue’s pocket.
“And Jackie trying to be your big brother…”
Blue sniffs and hides against Henrik’s shoulder.
“And yourself, my dear.”
“Yeah,” whispers Blue. “Because he does remain in everything.”
“Because you have triggers now?”
“It’s not just the trauma, Schneep. I - I didn’t… I didn’t save any of you.”
Tears come dripping down his face again. He covers his eyes with his hands.
“Oh, perle,” protests Henrik. “Why do you say this?”
“I thought you wouldn’t come back, Henrik… I thought you wouldn’t talk again, and you were gone….”
“I am here, though, Blue.”
“But everyone’s so unhappy. And I was supposed to make them happy. I killed Anti and I was supposed to replace that life with something better. But shit, Schneep, we’re broke so all Red does is work, and Chase is just quiet and sad, and I had to take JJ to the hospital because he can’t manage without Anti around, and - everything, I didn’t - ”
He’s going to break down into crying again. Henrik cups his face and washes tears away with his thumb.
“Your head is full of air,” says Henrik sternly, and Blue snorts despite himself, shaking his head. “Not better? Blue. You’re crazy.”
“They’re not happy. Things were going to be good once he died. They were going to be good because I was going to make them good for them.”
“That’s not your job, Blue,” Henrik hushes him, shaking his head. “What, you have just been waiting for the others to become all sunshine and rainbows before you could be satisfied?”
“I just don’t want them to be miserable! I have to make things better than they were with Anti.”
“Blue, Blue! Better? Do you know what happened this morning when I awoke?”
“No… what?”
“JJ was sleeping beside me,” whispers Henrik. “He rose a little and wiped at his face and went back to sleep. He was calm. No one was touching him. There is color in his face again. And when he awoke later, he went with Jackie and left the house, Blue.”
Blue brushes at his tears, taking deep, shuddering breaths.
“And Jackie, he let me talk him down from his anxieties… he let me help him make a decision. He is upright and strong these days. No one makes him cower anymore. He was gentle with Jameson… they are helping each other heal.
"Meanwhile, look at yourself. You can walk, you do not doze off so much, you are not in so much physical pain, apparently you are even working? You have your magic back. No one is taking you away every night. What a blessing.
"And then, Blue, my Trickshot called himself by his real name. His real name, Blue. Do you not understand?”
Henrik’s eyes water. He presses his forehead to Blue’s and closes his eyes.
“You have given my family back to me.”
Blue clutches at his jacket. His eyes flutter shut too. His heart shakes in his chest.
“My friend,” sighs Henrik, stroking his beard. “This is all the goodness possible in the world. I think if we are one day rich and all our health is perfect, still I will not be any happier than I am today. Free from my chains… yes, we will all be haunted, my brother. That is the way that wounds heal. But this does not mean it was all for nothing. It just means we must keep striving, a little while longer, to recognize what safety and happiness are. Blue… you killed the monster. You rescued us. Thank you.”
Blue holds on to him. His eyes do not open.
But a little piece of his aching heart has settled in a way he had long forgotten.
“You’re welcome,” he whispers back.
They rest together in that torn-up bus. The bus, though, doesn’t matter. Just your brother’s hand in your own. That’s all.
“So what now?” asks Blue, his voice raw from crying. “How are you going to fix your fucked-up brother now, Schneep?”
“I can’t fix anything, Blue, though I wish I could,” he murmurs, truly sorry, his hand brushing over his heart. “So you must find an outlet for the anger, and you must come to terms with some truths about the world. If there is anything you need to do that, we will all help you. Take you to doctors, comfort you when you are sad. We would be happy to do these things. Why don’t you start by coming back home?”
Blue looks up at him, trying to smile for his sake. His chest hurts; his eyes are red. He meets Henrik’s gaze and sighs.
“No… no. I don’t think I can. And trust me, it’s fucking me up a little bit that I’m away from all of you. But Schneep, I’ve been acting like such an ass, and I really just - I think I just need to figure out some parts of this on my own. Honestly, right now I’m pretty sure that if I saw that cut on JJ’s eye I would fall apart permanently. Tell him I’m sorry, okay?”
“How long, though, Blue?” asks Henrik, and after all the wisdom and comfort, Blue smiles to hear a little of a whine in these words. “You should be with us.”
“Just give me a few days,” says Blue softly. “I… I needed this. I think maybe I feel ready to try working on things a little bit. Henrik… I really thought you were gone.”
“Even if Anti had taken me from you all forever,” says Henrik. “I’m always with you.”
“Too soft,” whispers Blue.
“You’re a motherfucker,” Henrik offers, to counteract the sugar, and they devolve into giggling there in the booth of that bus, warm in each other’s grasp.
.
“Okay, this mirror?”
“No.”
“This mirror?”
“No.”
“This - ”
JJ claps at him, cutting him off.
“Okay, fine! I’ll just let you look. Sheesh.”
They’ve used Jackie’s keys to sneak backstage in the morning hours before there are any events, and now they’re in the dressing rooms, checking mirrors one by one.
“You really enjoying working here?” asks JJ.
“I like that it’s easy,” says Jackie. “And I really really liked the ballet, for a while there, but the story sucks and now I’m mad about it.”
“What story?”
“Swan Lake.”
JJ chuckles. “Yeah. Sad ending.”
“I just think, like, it’s stupid sad. Like they could just as easily have made up and fixed the curse somehow. Dying? Not being able to fall in love with the perfect guy like you were supposed to? That sucks. Why even bother getting invested?”
JJ shoots him an amused look, shaking his head.
“What?”
“Nothing,” he signs.
“Oh, come on. You meant something by that.”
“I think this is the right mirror.”
Jackie moves forward to join him in front of one of the vanities, touching the surface of the mirror. It looks just like all the others. “Are you sure?”
“I feel it in this place, for certain,” says JJ, looking around. “Seems to center on this mirror.”
“So… we could go through here and really be back at that house in the woods?”
“You’re the one who set up the plan with Marvin, Jackie. You tell me.”
“There could be a problem with it after all this long. Blue says dangerous things can happen with these mirror portals. You don’t have to come with me, JJ.”
“Jackie.” His little brother turns to him, signing his name pointedly. “I’m not afraid. And I’d follow you anywhere.”
Jackie grins at him, a little more touched than he would have expected. For a moment, he sees himself handcuffing Jameson to a church pew in Colombia while he cried to be let go. Alongside the memory is one of Jameson beating him into the dirt outside a gas station while Anti laughed.
And somehow, despite how awful and painful and cruel those moments in their life were… they’ve moved past them.
“You really are my pal, huh?” asks Jackie.
“I’m your pal,” replies JJ, grinning a little, and Jackie grabs his head and lands one firm kiss in his hair before they turn to that mirror, together.
Anonymous asked:
Remember the password Jackie? I'm so proud of you guys for finding it, just remember that the house might have some fire damage and natural decay spare magical intervention.
There’s another world through there.
Through a tired old vanity in the back of the dancer’s rooms. His twin made it a long time ago, just because Jackie asked, and he hid it without question, and because of that, they can find this place again.
Again doesn’t really feel like the right word, though. Jameson has brought him back here in time, and yet this… is not the house he remembers.
Or the forests, either. The trees are dead. The grass has wilted in the yard. There are little bodies hanging from the pergola of a burned black porch.
Jackie gags and covers his mouth, turning Jameson around as the porch appears in front of them.
“What?” signs JJ. “What, Jackie?”
“Stay here for a second,” he coughs. “Just - just let me handle this.”
“Jackie?”
“Stay here, Jamie!”
He leaves him by the trees and races towards the house, pulling his hoodie up over his mouth. He doesn’t want to have to know how bad they must smell. He’s digging around for anything to cover his gloves so he can get them down when Jameson walks up beside him.
“I told you to stay back there,” snaps Jackie.
JJ stares up at the bodies hanging from the wood. Jackie closes his eyes and breathes out through his mouth.
“They were good little cats,” signs JJ. “Nice friendly cats.”
“They look like they were split in half.”
Jameson moves into the house. He returns a minute later with a blanket and stands up on a porch chair, gently untying the rope and wrapping the cats in cloth, clicking softly like he can still comfort them.
“We can bury them,” offers Jackie.
“Yeah. I’ll leave them here for now. We’ll find some real boxes for them. Do it properly.”
Jackie swallows. “What were their names?”
JJ sets them down so gently. He strokes his hand across the blanket, petting them one more time.
“Soup and Feichin.”
Jackie can’t help but let out a weak laugh, shaking his head. “Blue’s names?”
“I think Chase named Soup.”
“How’s it looking inside?” asks Jackie softly.
JJ beckons for him. They step into the house together.
Anti started the fire in the kitchen. JJ still remembers, if not well. The flame rose in oil and burner smoke. The tables and chairs and counters and oven - they’re eaten alive with it. Jackie’s eyes can follow the path of the fire: black up to the vent in the ceiling.
“Mine and Blue’s rooms,” he mumbles.
He turns to race up the stairs, but they’re so blackened they almost give out halfway up, and he gasps, clinging to the handrail. On tentative steps, he makes his way up those ruined stairs, and there, along the hallway -
His room and Blue’s. Burnt down to ash. Parts of the ceiling are missing. His bed was a bonfire. Of Blue’s plants nothing remains but broken ceramics. His hand rests against one standing wall and his glove comes back smeared in ash.
His pictures and newspapers. His comic books and novels.
Not fair.
Not that anything is.
He closes his eyes for a long moment, his head tilting.
Okay. It’s gone. Grieve it later. When Anti isn’t looking.
That was the old tactic. Grieve when Anti isn’t looking. Don’t give him a reason to stop thinking you’re strong enough to take care of them. Or to mock you.
He runs his fingers through his hair and grounds himself in the pull on his scalp.
He sifts through burned things. Here are some small remnants of what he used to have - a computer that probably won’t work anymore, a locket he doesn’t recognize with nothing inside, a half-melted Spider-man figure. He tucks the Spider-man into his hoodie pocket and blows out a breath of air.
He’s okay. The things that matter survived. Grieve later.
“Jamie?” he calls.
No answer, but JJ doesn’t really like to be called for when he can’t answer. Jackie traipses down the stairs, coughing a little from the shifted ash, and makes his way down the hallway on the ground floor.
Henrik’s room, the closest to the kitchen, is burned badly too, though there’s a tall dresser beside the window in the back that escaped the flame. The fire couldn’t get the full way down the hall. Chase’s room and the bathroom at the back are untouched, along with a fully-stocked linen closet. It’s not much, honestly, but nice towels are a luxury Jackie had started to forget.
JJ’s room is across from Henrik’s. The door is tattered from flame. Inside, some of the belongings and furniture remain.
Jamie’s on the floor beside his singed bed, his knees against his chest.
He sits down beside him, touching his arm. “Is it the room?”
Jameson shrugs.
“I expected it to be gone.”
“Well, then, happy tears?”
“Probably should be… just kind of reminds me of… other things I lost. But it’s good, yeah.”
Jackie sits beside him, holding his arm. He lets JJ cry for a few minutes. They sit in the silence of the house, abandoned for more than a year.
“Who’s that in the picture?” asks Jackie.
There are pictures on the wall. Someone must have bought him one of those little polaroid cameras. JJ has just six of the little images in a line on his wall. Jackie supposes that they were supposed to stretch across the whole room someday - a timeline of his happy moment. There’s him and JJ, Chase and Henrik and Marvin all grinning, Christmas trees with little kids unwrapping presents, two pretty cats hugged against JJ’s chest, Marvin in the garden… and JJ squishing his face up against a girl’s. She’s kissing him from the side, eyes on the camera. Dark, endless eyes.
“Her name was Eshe,” answers JJ. “We were pretty into each other.”
“Oh.” Jackie looks up at the picture again. JJ isn’t making puppy eyes or simpering at the camera. He’s just beaming, eyes squished up and laughing. He has her lipstick stains on his cheek like an old cartoon. “Where is she now?”
“She’s dead.”
Jackie squeezes his arm quietly.
“We only dated a few months. But I think sometimes… you know. You don’t need time more than that. I can only see the past. But I would look at her and think - fuck, I can see everything that’s coming, and all of it’s going to be good.”
Jackie just holds on to him. His eyes move to the picture of himself, trying to take advantage of JJ using the camera to steal some of the food from off his brother’s plate. No fear of anything in the world. A simple silver band on his left hand.
“I’ve known she was dead for a long time,” continues JJ. “But I guess stuff like that doesn’t stop hurting. When you really loved someone. Doesn’t go away.”
They sit in the house for a long time.
Grieve later.
“Why don’t we get out of here and take the mirror home?” he whispers.
“Okay, Jackie.”
“You could take the pictures. If you wanted.”
“No… no, it’s okay.”
JJ turns to him. Smiles. Just for his sake.
“We’re going to come back. The pictures can stay. They don’t have to be sad. We’re going to build something new. Right?”
“Right,” answers Jackie.
And he wishes he could tell you that he presses a kiss into JJ’s hair to comfort him, but really, he just doesn’t want his little brother to see his eyes getting red too.
JJ and Jackie go looking for answers in the past. Marvin reaches a breaking point. Masterlist
Tws for domestic abuse, cruel language, self-hatred, and depressive ideation. Tws may not be completely exhaustive - keep in mind the heaviness of the fic and look out for yourself.
Thank you to @lehhoh7822 for taking the time to compile this book!
Anonymous asked:
Hey Jackie, just out of curiosity, have you made any progress in finding Chase's family?
Jackie comes home early, spinning a green yo-yo from his hand and chewing on gum.
“Speaking of which…” he murmurs to you, winking before closing the door behind him.
“Hi,” he calls.
“Hi!” calls Chase from the kitchen. “I’m making a cheesecake, Jacks, so don’t snack. How was work? You’re home early.”
“I bought myself a yo-yo from a kid’s performance,” he announces, and he’s proud because his therapist told him to get nice things for himself and he wanted a fucking yo-yo and some watermelon gum. “Where’s my little guy?”
“Here with me.”
Jackie walks into the kitchen and finds JJ perched on the kitchen counter - they have very few places to sit other than the floor - and flipping through a book. He waves at Jackie. His cheeks are rosy and his hair’s all soft and clean. Jackie pulls him down from the counter and tugs him towards his room. “Want to help me with something?”
“What?”
Jackie closes the door of JJ’s room behind them and blows a bubble from his gum before popping it and beaming at his little brother.
“Let’s go back in time. I want some goddamn answers to a couple things.”
Anonymous asked:
I think we can help your destructive behavior become a bit more constructive instead. Be honest, once you've fought, the anger doesn't lapse, does it? If anything you just feed it until you're tired. I'll admit it's a quick and easy way to get pent up energy out, but instead of tearing people down, I think it would be nicer if the world around you was just a bit nicer too. Maybe you can't get Blue to smile just yet, but helping others smile will feel nice for you too
“Destructive behaviors? You’re getting in fights.”
“I’m only hurting jackasses! What does that have to do with anything? If you’re feeling okay, can’t we just go back for a little while? We can find people, JJ, people we loved.”
“Is this about Max?”
“No,” shoots back Jackie, though his face darkens with heat. “It isn’t.”
JJ clicks his tongue thoughtfully, gazing at him. “I’m just not sure it’s a good idea.”
“Why?” asks Jackie, unhappy now, dejected. “We’ve done it before. Now I finally understand it, we can go together and actually get to savor that old life.”
“Jackie… we have to start building a new life.”
“But there are things worth going back for. Just a couple things. Doesn’t have to be everything.”
“I don’t know if it’s good for us to go searching for an idyllic version of the world that just doesn’t exist for us anymore.”
“JJ, Chase has kids.”
JJ goes quiet.
“Yeah.”
“Do you know where they are?”
“No… Anti would have wormed it out of my head if I did.”
“James. We have to go back for them, if nothing else. We have to find his family.”
There’s a long pause. JJ is staring at the floor.
“What were their names?” asks Jackie quietly.
Jameson closes his eyes. “Hunter. And Izzy.”
Jackie nods slowly, taking in the feel of the names. Something warm to them.
Fuck. He has a nephew and a niece. He’s an uncle.
“But constructive behaviors,” adds JJ, rerouting. “Jackie, you have to work on that.”
“Okay, okay, whatever!”
“Not whatever. You can’t just be getting in fights.”
“What if they deserve it,” groans Jackie. “And it makes me feel better!”
He likes seeing JJ healthy again, but damn, his little brother sure can death glare as well as Blue now that he’s clear-headed enough to assert himself.
Anonymous asked:
It's worth considering, Jackie. As much as bad people deserve punishment, there are good people who deserve a helping hand here and there. Volunteer work, community service, hell, even just a smile can make all the difference in the world. Bear in mind none of this is your responsibility, but it might help you clear out some negative thoughts and actions.
“But volunteer work does not feel satisfying as ‘I hit it with my fist,’” grumbles Jackie. “And I’d have to talk to people.”
“I’d go with you if we found something.”
Jackie glances at him. “Yeah?”
“Sure.”
“Well, I still have to talk for you.”
JJ punches him in the shoulder.
“Ow!”
“I can talk for myself just fine, thank you, you just have to translate. Or do me the favor of moving out of the way of a pad of paper.”
“Okay, okay. Well… that could be okay. Not as fun as time travel, though…”
JJ sighs warmly and reaches into his pocket, pulling out his watch. “Why don’t we wait til Blue comes home and then we can… try. I have to test how stable I am.”
Anonymous asked:
It'll be hard to go back since I am guessing none of you except Chase remember the last time you saw Stacy and the kids. Though, JJ, do you have any memory of them that could be helpful in locating them? Anti said they were in witness protection or something similar, but by the time that happened I believe you and 'Red' had been taken already. So you have to find a middle-ground between Anti's involvement and the life before his claws snatched you.
JJ shrugs. “Could be anywhere. She’s Chinese, has family there, and friends in America. Could have gone to stay with someone she knew. Or stayed in the UK. I think it’s most likely she ran when Henrik and Chase and Marvin did, but they don’t remember any of that.”
Anonymous asked:
Chase, how has your memory been lately? Are you having less time gaps and blurriness these days?
“Oh, that’s nice,” says Chase. “Thank you. You know, my memory is good day-to-day most of the time. Sometimes I go totally foggy… I kind of just wait until it comes back to me. But my memory of the past is still - yeah. Gaps.”
He mixes his cheesecake batter carefully. “But I do my counting in the morning. What matters is I’m mostly grounded in the present. And the rest I - I don’t know if that’s one more thing Anti took for me or if I’ll get it back as we go along. Maybe parts of it. Bit by bit.”
He glances back at Henrik, playing with Noodle on the living room floor.
“I don’t remember him being a kitten anymore,” says Chase, with a sad kind of fondness. “Just my big golden cat. But I think I remember being in Peru… a present from Anti…”
Noodle gnaws on Henrik’s hands, wriggling around on his back. Chase smiles.
The door opens and Blue comes home, looking worn. Chase turns uncertainly away from him, mixing the batter, and Blue just heads to his room, shutting the door behind him.
Anonymous asked:
Jackie, what answers are you looking for by going back like this? I just know there are things aside from Chase's family going on in your noggin.
Jackie’s slightly red again, playing with his hands. “Does it matter? Just want to… see.”
“What?” asks JJ.
Jackie shrugs. “Come on. I heard Blue come in so that means the others will be okay if we’re gone a while. They’ll just think we’re taking a nap.”
He lies down on the blankets and pulls at JJ’s sleeve. JJ considers it, fingering the watch in his pocket.
“JJ? Please?”
It’s hard enough for him to say no to big brother, especially when he asks like that. Jameson relaxes against the blankets beside him, pulling out the watch and taking his hand.
“Give me a few minutes to remember something,” he signs. “Close your eyes and try to hold still, and maybe when you open them again, we’ll be sometime else.”
Jackie’s hand hurries to find the camera beside him and pulls it to his chest.
You want to come too, right?
scunneredzombie asked:
We do want to come with you! Maybe we can help piece together some answers?
Grass against his face.
He clings to JJ’s side, scared to open his eyes in case they’re still hurtling through some otherworldly power trying its hardest to make him sick to his stomach.
Birds in the air. The rustling of the wind through the loblollies. Shhh, wishhh.
He squints his eyes open and there’s warm sun on his face.
“Hey, you did it,” he breathes, sitting up and blinking away his dizziness. “Oh, the house – just like last time…”
There is the house in the woods where he once made his home, though he remembers, now, only the times JJ has shown him. His little brother sits up slowly beside him, rubbing at his head.
“Damn, you’ve gone white. Maybe we should rest a while.”
“I’m fine,” JJ signs absent-mindedly, trying to get up. Jackie leaps to his feet and pulls him up beside him, holding his shoulders to keep him steady.
“Let’s get you sat down inside. Do you know what day it is?”
“Not sure,” says JJ. “Just tried to picture the house. Glad we made it. Felt pretty lost for a second there.”
Jackie tries not to think about what could have happened if he had gotten lost. He helps him towards the door, where a pair of cats are scratching at the wood and yowling for attention. Jackie snorts and opens the door, watching them streak into the house and launch themselves at the couch.
“Oh, fuck’s sake,” grumbles a familiar accent, thicker than Jackie remembers it. “Athanasius will eat my paperwork.”
Jackie rounds the corner of the entryway. Henrik’s sitting on the couch, guarding his papers from the cats, and at his feet, Chase is snacking on popcorn and flipping through Netflix with the remote.
“No more Parks and Rec, you watch it on repeat,” answers Henrik.
“But it’s funny!”
“Just put Planet Earth on.”
“You’re such a nerd!”
Henrik shoves him with his foot and they descend into pushing at each other and arguing over movies on the couch. Jackie laughs and looks at JJ, delighted, who gives him a tired grin back.
“Why don’t you sit me on the couch with them and go do what you need to do,” suggests JJ. “Take the clock so you have a timer.”
“Yeah, okay. Thanks.”
“Of course. Try not to open another timeline, it’s easier for me if you try to blend in.”
Anonymous asked:
JJ, maybe you could find Jack again? If anyone has answers it might be him. If not, then maybe try going to the closest possible inbetween point of Anti kidnapping you all, and the normal life you used to lead? You two could find clues as to where they are based on what might be going on with Chase's family right before the snatching. Chase remembered a conversation with Stacy about Anti, with her asking where they would go, they don't know how dangerous Anti might be. Find that point, maybe?
“I’m sorry, I rarely remember clearly enough to pick specific points… but maybe we can still find some things out.”
“JJ, what should we watch, Planet Earth or Parks and Rec?”
“I want to watch Ghibli.”
“Dammit, that’s Marv’s fault,” scowls Chase.
Henrik starts chanting. “Nausicaa. Nausicaa. Nausi - ”
“Fine, fine!”
“Yeah, I thought so.”
JJ tugs on Henrik’s sleeve. “Schneep? Is Jack around?”
“Still out of the country, my dear.”
“He’s been texting with me all morning, though,” adds Chase.
“Do you know where my phone went?”
“Maybe in your room? I’ll grab it for you. Don’t pull on your stitches.”
His stitches? JJ presses at the parts of his body that hurt the most. There are bandages and gauze all over him. Chase smiles at him and carefully pulls his hand away.
“How do you feel?”
He isn’t sure what to say. “Not so bad today.”
“Still, uh… missing Anti?”
He blinks at him. “Not so bad now.”
Chase gives him a little kiss on his wrist and starts searching up the movie.
scunneredzombie asked:
Jackie, do you think you're able to ask prying questions without drawing awareness to what you're doing? I know you have trouble with lying so best not to get in a situation where you'll need to do too much of that.
“No, let’s not kid ourselves, I’m very awkward. I’m just going to grab my phone and get her number or something. Then I can track her in the future. Probably. Or something. I just - I need info.”
He pauses outside that door with the newspaper clippings and notes on it, the one that’s meant to be his. He opens it gently, gnawing on his lip, and yes - yes. It’s exactly like it was last time. So fucking tidy, with all his nice things safe and perfectly arranged. Toys and games and soft things and weapons too. Everything he can imagine wanting. He reaches out to grab a pen from the desk in the corner and he starts clicking it again and again and again and again. Ooh, and there’s a fighting staff like the one Anti used to let him use! He grabs it from its place and extends it, sitting down to play with the weapons in the chest on the floor. All sorts of things. He must have been so bad-ass. He could go out right now if he wanted and just start taking assholes down. Stopping robberies and that sort of shit. Real superhero stuff. Oh, he has comic books! Spider-Man! He’s on his feet again, reaching for the bookshelf.
Anonymous asked:
Ohh your room is so cool Jackie! Just be sure not to get too distracted, okay? - 🎒
Jackie drops the Lego he was playing with like it’s shocked him, pulling his hand back to his chest. The box for the toys looks back at him with smiling yellow faces on it – ages 7-14.
“Sorry,” he mumbles. “I…”
A flush of red is creeping up his neck. He holds very still, glancing back at his fighting staff.
Stop fucking clicking that thing before I beat your head in with it, you little moron. This is supposed to be Jack’s hero? He didn’t even make you special in a smart way.
Jackie’s mouth fills with bile. He wipes at his face and sits down on his bed, scooping his phone off the nightstand and numbly beginning to scroll through his contacts.
Anonymous asked:
Oh Jackie, it's okay to stim with things! It's okay to be childish, or use toys to entertain yourself, there's no reason to be ashamed. You deserve to have items that make you happy, despite anything Anti told you. - 🎒
Jackie shrugs, and for a long time he’s quiet, looking at old pictures on his phone. Him and his brothers, him and the cats, him and his Max…
He’s always smiling.
“This person was so naive,” he says after a moment, returning to his contacts. “I don’t have time for kid’s shit anymore. I shouldn’t have let myself be distracted in the first place. Maybe I wouldn’t have lost Dapper if I had paid more attention before Anti took him. If I watched over him better. Well, now I’m big brother and I have things to do.”
He pulls open a contact named ‘Stace’ and starts trying to commit the number to memory. If he were like Henrik, he could memorize it on first glance, or if he were like JJ he wouldn’t need anybody’s help to go back and find this. But he’s not. He purses his mouth. Okay, Jackie, think. This is all that matters. What if she gets rid of her phone in the future? If she’s hiding from Anti too?
He flips open the text thread they have. It’s mostly innocuous - “kids doing okay?” “Yeah dork don’t worry so much”, a stream of emojis, “Is this you on the news running away from the cops?” “MAYBE”, and some small talk.
“Hey,” he texts. “If we were ever on the run where would you go?”
She answers almost immediately.
“uhhhh wherever I guess you guys would probably have to be the ones to help us hide.”
Jackie pauses, raising his head.
Well. Of course they would. She’s, like, a civilian, and him and his siblings are the magical group of cryptids who have always been caught up in this shit. If she and the kids were in trouble… they would be the ones to get them to safety.
So it’s not about knowing Stacy. It’s about knowing himself and his siblings.
Where would they go?
Where did they go?
And where did they get separated from her?
Anonymous asked:
Well we do know that after the house was burned down Marvin, Chase, and Henrik ended up in Sweden and Denmark while on the run. I'm not sure if Stacy would have gone with them though.
“I would have been with Anti by then,” mumbles Jackie. “Me and Dap. Marvin and Chase and Henrik would have had to be the ones to find somewhere safe for them. Sometimes Chase remembers pieces of her… maybe Schneep would too if he were awake. But Marv was alone by the time Anti followed him to Norway. He must have been, or Anti would have caught Stacy and the kids too.”
Anonymous asked:
Maybe go ask Chase where he would take them in an emergency, if you can do it without being too suspicious?
Jackie shifts in place anxiously, but after a second he sets his mouth and pads down the stairs. It’s just his brothers, after all.
“Hey, quick question,” says Jackie, drawing their gazes. “If we were ever on the run, where are we going?”
“Oh, boy, not this again,” grumbles Henrik. “Jackie, we’re supposed to be making JJ feel safe here. Please stop obsessing.”
“Let’s go to Mexico,” says Chase, his mouth full of popcorn. “I love Mexican food.”
“Let’s go hide on a farm and herd sheep all day,” suggests JJ.
Jackie sighs, rolling his eyes.
“Jackie, we get it,” says Henrik. “If you ever tell us to pack up and go run off somewhere obscure to start new lives, we’ll do it, no questions. But we’re safe here, okay?”
He grimaces and heads back towards his room. Maybe he was the one with all the plans. But then Marvin was the one left in charge.
He glances at Marvin’s room, across the hall from his own. There’s music playing inside. He goes back to his bed and sits down.
Anonymous asked:
You know, once you get Stacy's number, there's nothing stopping you from checking for Max ;)
Jackie parses through his contacts again.
‘Tiger’ with a local number. He opens the text thread shyly.
“I love you Tiger good night”
“I love you too Juice Box. Sleep tight”
And even that is enough to make his eyes burn. He sets the phone aside and looks away from you, trying to pull himself back together.
He wants him, he wants him, he wants him. All the time. But he can’t just – he can’t –
He can’t have him. Why bother imagining? This is what JJ meant when he warned him about getting stuck in the past. Jackie hides his face and shudders, alone in his perfect, stupid room.
Anonymous asked:
You can have Max back Jackie, it just takes the work to find him. We know he still thinks of you. The last time we heard of him, he was buying matching rings.
“I’m not good for him,” whimpers Jackie. “I want him to go find someone better than me. Someone who will never break his heart the way I did. And won’t get him into danger, either. I’m not a nice person or a safe one. I think he should go marry someone nice who loves him and has time for him and doesn’t need his charity or for him to hold him through nightmares for hours on end.”
Jackie’s own words break him in half; he bends over himself and cries off the side of his bed for the missing piece of his heart.
Anonymous asked:
Jackie, love, you're not a toxic person. You have issues and you have trauma responses, but Max loves you enough to help you work through these things and become healthy. You didn't break his heart on purpose, it was the only way to keep him safe that day. He would love you through the danger, through the nightmares and pain and anger. Max is a piece of your soul, of course he would still love you, as you are right now.
“I don’t know.” Jackie wipes at his face. “Look at me, everything makes me cry. I’m just a big toddler.”
He sighs, taking a few deep breaths to make himself calm down, sinking back onto the bed. “Okay. Okay. Let’s just… let’s just get the important stuff done and get out of here.”
But he turns his phone on again, and you watch his eyes scan Max’s number again and again, committing it to memory.
Anonymous asked:
Would they understand if you told them you came back through time? Like Jack did? Or is it best to leave it alone?
“Well, I could tell,” says Jackie. “But JJ said to try and avoid it if I can. Besides, I’m not sure what it would help. They can’t look into the future or anything.”
Anonymous asked:
Jackie, I know it'll be uncomfortable, but I think you need to talk with Marvin.
Another low, deep breath.
One more.
One more.
It’s just his brother. It’s okay.
But he can hardly get himself to rise from the bed.
He’s so tired of fighting with him. Of things being difficult. He just wants things to go back to the way they were.
He tiptoes towards Marvin’s room and knocks on the door.
One more deep breath.
“Yeah?”
“Marvin?”
“Yeah, what’s up?”
“Can we talk?”
“Come in, babe.”
He shuffles inside and winds up just standing the doorway, staring at him.
Marvin is healthy and upright, fussing over one of the dozens of plants growing around his room, the flowers curling down his wrist. He has all this clean, soft brown hair tied up all pretty and he’s coated in glittering planets and roses for his jewelry. His deep blue eyes, clear instead of fogged by the illness Anti left with him when he pulled his magic out, regard Jackie warmly, and he stands tall and self-assured in his nice button-up shirt and blue shorts.
“Hi, darling,” he says, almost sing-song, letting his flower unwind from around his wrist and moving on to the next plant. The bigger of the two cats, a big fancy white one with blue eyes, slides past Jackie’s feet and leaps onto Marvin’s bed, purring. “What’s up?”
“Just had a question for you,” says Jackie. “Is that okay?”
“Yeah, you know I’ve got time.” His phone starts buzzing, but Marvin just clicks the button on the side and pushes it away. “That’s just Lapwing stuff, don’t worry about it. What did you want to ask?”
Where do you think you would take Stacy and the kids if you needed to keep them safe? Where would they stay? How can we find them?
But instead, what Jackie hears himself say is:
“How do I make you happy again? Please.”
Anonymous asked:
Check the watch, Jackie. How much time do you have?
“Shit, good question.” He grabs the watch, running his thumb over the slimming section of silver. “Maybe twenty minutes? I know I should focus… I just… dammit.”
Anonymous asked:
Make sure you phrase that in a way past Marvin will understand, JBM.
Marvin steps over to him, frowning now, and his hand rises to rub at Jackie’s shoulder. “You want to tell me what’s going on?“
"Um. Well. You just seem sad lately.”
“I’m doing good, Jackie.”
“Well, why, then? What do I do that’s good? That makes you do good?”
“Oh, like you have any part of it,” says Marvin with a faint grin. “Jackie, you know I love when we hang out. That’s all I really need. For us to make some time for each other even though we’re both busy. And for you to have my back when I really get myself into hot water. And you always do, JB.”
"But that’s not - that’s not enough! It doesn’t make you happy. No matter what I try. Do you need me to be there more often? Do you want me to make more time?”
“Jackie,” says Marv. “You’re getting yourself worked up.”
“Just tell me what makes you happy.”
“Jackie! Who told you I was unhappy right now?”
“But what if you were.”
“Then I would have to figure that out on my own.”
“No! That’s not good enough. You have to tell me what to do.”
Marvin picks up his cat and holds her up to Jackie. “Queenie, tell my brother he’s being a big dummy.”
He squishes her belly into Jackie’s face until Jackie is forced to take her himself. Queenie stretches out across his chest and her rough tongue starts scratching at his cheek. He glowers at Marvin and Marvin laughs at him, lighting a candle beside his bed so the room smells like vanilla.
“You’re having bad dreams again?”
Jackie deflates miserably. “Worse than dreams.”
“Jackie, darling, I’m alright. Things are good. JJ’s home and so is everyone else. What else could I ask for in all the world?”
“Not enough,” mumbles Jackie. “It doesn’t make you happy. Maybe I just let you down one too many times.”
Marvin stares at him, the smile dropping from his face. He reaches tentatively out to touch Jackie’s hand.
“Sugar… I’m fine.”
Jackie shakes his head and pulls cautiously closer to him. Marvin lets him draw him in for a hug. Jackie hides against his chest and listens to his sibling’s steady heartbeat thrumming against him.
scunneredzombie asked:
Marvin did give you an answer though, Jackie. You need to make time for him, make time for you two to be together and spend time together. No offense meant, but you have kind of been brushing him off in favour of your little brothers. Marvin needs to feel loved and cared about by you. He said once he just wanted time where you held him and called him little brother. Blue needs /you/ and for you to support him. It's a small but necessary step toward him feeling happy.
“What - what do we do when we hang out?”
“What?”
“‘Just remind me your favorite things,” Jackie pleads.
Marvin draws him to sit down on the bed, scratching Queenie’s ears. “I don’t know, love. We just hang out sometimes. Do our own things together. Or we go get food or see a movie or check out the farmer’s market. And of course whenever anybody tries to call either of us trouble, that’s when we go out and kick some ass.”
Jackie feels a bit of hope in his chest again. “Yeah? We get in fights together?”
Marvin laughs. “Such a fucking adrenaline junkie. Do you remember those British magicians last month? We scared him shitless, ahaha. What an asshole.”
Jackie grins, scratching Queenie’s other side. “Right. Yeah. We’re a pretty good team.”
Maybe that’s what they’ve been missing - a common enemy. Things were okay when they were both fighting someone together. And they could do things together. Jackie could do things with him.
He stares at him, trying to memorize the happiness on his face as he kisses and rubs at Queenie. There’s so many things in the world he wants to give him. Whatever he wants.
But there’s a part of him that’s still scared, because the truth is that this person before him is a very different person than the Blue he knows and loves. And no matter what he does for him, Blue’s been through more than Marvin has - and Jackie has let him down a lot more times too. He lowers his head and lets it come to rest against Marvin’s shoulder.
“I’m sorry I’m not always good at this,” he mutters. “I’m not the good kind of special.”
“Hey, what?” asks Marvin, his voice suddenly loud and angry. “Who said that to you?”
“Just - just something Anti said.”
“Well, what a jackass to take advice from,” spits Marvin. “You’re perfect, don’t fucking listen to him.”
“It doesn’t bother you when I freak out? When I have nightmares and need you? And I get distracted all the time and sometimes - sometimes ignore you when I get too invested in stuff?”
“Shit, Jackie, if you didn’t believe me the first million times I told you how am I supposed to make you believe me now? Everybody’s got their own stuff going on. It’s part of you.” Marvin presses these determined kisses into the side of Jackie’s head and makes him laugh. “Forget Anti, Jackie, one day we’ll bury that motherfucker along with every evil thing he ever said and did to us.”
“Yeah?” asks Jackie softly.
“Yeah,” replies Marvin, lying down on the bed beside him and looking up at the constellation-patterned ceiling.
Anonymous asked:
Try talking to Marvin. You don't need to tell him everything but he did evade Anti the longest. He might have some ideas of how to get some contact information, maybe a password to a specific mirror dimension, who knows.
“I was actually wanting to ask you something else,” admits Jackie.
“Hit me.”
Jackie punches him in the stomach. Marvin coughs and then bursts into laughter, shoving him off the bed. “Jackass!”
“Haha, you should have seen that one coming.”
“I’ll kick your ass. Queenie, get him!”
Marvin puts her on top of Jackie’s head. She purrs against his skull.
“Don’t bring her into this! Look, weird question, but… if Anti ever did come after us, where do you think we would go to hide?”
“Oh, we’re doing this again, then? Come on! Closet review time.”
“What?”
Marvin gets off the bed and grabs Jackie’s sleeve, pulling him to his closet door. He opens it to reveal a big walk-in space, and covering the walls –
“Holy hell.”
At least a dozen full-sized mirrors, labeled with letters on top.
“Nigeria, America, China, Sweden, Iran, Australia, Monaco, Mexico, Germany, Korea, Rwanda, Suriname, and Vatican City, baby. And I got magician friends in every single one. Where do you want to go?”
Anonymous asked:
Since Ireland wasn't named... Do the Lapwings have a mirror of their own?
“The portals on the front door of this house lead back out to Ireland and England, respectively,” says Marvin. “My coven has a couple different bases around the country and they all connect to each other through some secret passageways. Sure, this many mirrors took a lot of energy, but I am nothing short of an all-powerful, highly talented genius, so what the hell? That’s why I’m the Rex.”
Anonymous asked:
That's great news actually! No matter where you go in the world there's a chance there could be someone who knows Blue. There has to be at least a few that the memories survived the timeline snap. If you can find this house maybe you can find Stacy? Ask Marvin for some passwords!
“Marvin, who do you know in Sweden?” asks Jackie eagerly.
“Colin and Leah. They’re getting ready for a baby. Colin can actually shrink people down so that’s a good help if we’re really trying to hide.”
“What town?”
“Orebro. It’s pretty.”
“Do you have a way to contact them? Even if we lose the mirror?”
“Give them a call, I guess.”
“Marvin, tell me their number.”
“Okay, bossypants. I’ll grab it.”
“And the house? This house?”
“What about it?”
“Okay, we’ve got mirror passageways to this house in the outside world, right?”
“Yeah…”
“But what if Anti discovered those passageways, or we lost the mirrors that connect them somehow?”
“Well, if the mirrors are really all lost or destroyed, that makes things hard,” explains Marvin, and Jackie feels his heart sink. “But Anti can only find the mirror passageways if one of us tells him, and, well… yeah, we’d really have to run at that point.”
scunneredzombie asked:
Blue has expressed that feeling before! He said it all feels different now that you don't have a common danger. Now it's not the healthiest way to go about it maybe, but finding common enemies to fight off could be a good 're-bonding' experience for you two.
“Maybe we should have a way to get back here even if Anti finds the mirror passageway,” says Jackie. “You know, a backup.”
Marvin pauses. “A backup that… maybe only you and I would know about? So he can’t get it out of any of the others? Added security?”
“Yes!” says Jackie, grabbing his hand. If they can decide right now, Marvin can make one here in the past, and then it’ll be somewhere nearby when he gets back to the future! This is perfect.
And he realizes that this is the same feeling he used to get when they were plotting together against Anti, or even just working together on the missions he would send them out on. They spent so long fighting Anti, but maybe it’s not even about a common enemy - which, as you have correctly pointed out, might not be the healthiest option. Maybe they just need a common goal right now. Because Jackie’s goal has been to work until he can give them everything they need, and Blue’s…
He doesn’t know what Blue’s goal has been.
Maybe he doesn’t even have one right now, and that’s why he’s drifting away from all of them like this.
“Okay, a back-up mirror,” says Marvin. “I’d have to wait til the full moon to create it, but I could do that. Where should I put it?”
Jackie tries to think of places where a mirror could be safe, places close to their apartment in Ireland. It has to stay there for at least a few years without being moved or destroyed, and they have to be able to walk through it magically without being spotted.
aether-mae asked:
Maybe somewhere around the library? Or in the synagogue, orrr in the theatre you work at?
Anonymous asked:
Perhaps the mirror can go in the library somewhere? Or in an alleyway nearby the house but still well hidden? Oh, or maybe in the woods that Blue goes to sometimes to get roses? There’s so many ideas, it’ll be hard to choose!
Jackie pauses, thinking through his options. “Maybe - maybe the theater? There are mirrors in the dressing rooms that are all antique and attached to the dressers. I bet those aren’t going anywhere.”
“What theater?” asks Marvin.
Jackie tells him about the theater and the dressing rooms, and in return Marvin tells him about spells from old books and the turn of the moon, strategizing together in front of his twin’s portals.
“Okay, let me just go check with JJ, and then we should be good,” says Jackie, turning to go. He pauses in the doorway of the closet, watching Marvin gather supplies from the cubbies underneath the mirror.
“I love you, Marvin.”
Marvin gives him a wink and blows a kiss, because love is casual and warm to him in these days, and this is the way it should be. Jackie leaves him to trot back down the stairs, pushing his way onto the couch beside JJ, Henrik, and Chase.
“Hey,” he whispers to his little brother. “Can I do something here that will change the present?”
“You can’t change something that you know, in the present, has already happened.”
“But if I asked someone to do something I didn’t know about in the future…”
“Did you change the present situation we live in at all?”
“I don’t think so. Just learned new information.”
“Then it should be okay. As long as it does not cause a split in a timeline. The future is flexible - but what’s done is done.”
Jackie sits back, satisfied.
“We’re about to go back,” says JJ. “Did you need to do anything else?”
.
They’re back in the present a few minutes later, stirring side-by-side on the pile of blankets that make up JJ’s bed. Jackie is staggering to his feet moments later, face lit up.
“We can call these people in Sweden,” he says. “And find Chase’s kids. And I’ll run to the theater and find the mirror and then we can have a home again!”
JJ just smiles as he watches him race from the room, lying back on his sheets. He hopes it’s that easy. He really does.
Oh. He forgot his yo-yo. JJ gets up and takes it into his hand, trotting after his brother.
Anonymous asked:
Jackie, liking "kid shit" doesn't make past you or present you naïve or weak. It's perfectly okay to enjoy childish things or for toys to make you happy. Especially for someone with autism who needs that stimulation and things to fidget with. You are not like a toddler or in any way bad just for enjoying yourself and giving yourself positive stims. Autistic people of any age stim occasionally or constantly in response to emotions like excitement, happiness, boredom, stress, fear, or anxiety. Anti not letting you stim or have nice things was another form of abuse from him. Remember your llama plush that Blue bought in Peru and how nice it was to comfort yourself with after the magicians hurt you? You should get yourself some plushes or fidget toys when you're home again, genuinely you should. It would give you positive experiences and be a small way to be happier and less stressed!
“Jackie.” JJ pokes at his brother’s back as he pulls open the one cell phone they have. “Yo-yo.”
Jackie flushes and shakes his head. “That’s okay, JJ, I don’t need it.”
“It’s yours, though, don’t leave it in my room.”
Jackie won’t turn back to him, face hot. “It’s just a toy. Don’t worry about it.”
JJ frowns, sitting down at the table beside him. “Hey. Don’t ignore me when I’m signing. Look. Cameras are talking to you.”
Jackie’s eyes flicker up and then down, up and then down, mumbling to himself. JJ presses the yo-yo into the palm of his hand.
“I should focus on this,” protests Jackie.
“It might help you focus,” replies JJ. “Having something to do with your hands. Jackie… just because Anti always made you feel like there was something wrong with you, that doesn’t make it true. It was part of how he made you feel helpless without him. He did the same thing to me.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not as fucked up as you are,” growls Jackie under his breath.
JJ sits back hard, blinking.
“Sorry, I’m sorry,” mumbles Jackie, covering his face.
“Maybe instead of trying to make yourself feel better by pretending everyone else is worse off than you, you could just work on accepting that we’re all a little fucked up.”
“Yeah,” sighs Jackie. “I love you, I’m sorry…”
JJ puts his chin in his hands and sighs. “I’m sick of being baby brother. Even back then, before Anti took me. If I were older than you everything would be different, even if I have psychotic episodes.”
“I’m working on it, JJ. I am.”
“Work on yourself a little then too. Letting yourself accept some ‘childish’ things might help you accept that it’s okay for me to enjoy some childish stuff too. Then maybe you’ll show me a little more respect.”
“Yes, sir,” says Jackie, giving him a warm smile, and JJ rubs his shoulder and lets it go. “I do like that bear you have, and I miss the alpaca. Maybe I could get some more stuff. But seriously, sometimes I have no idea how I’m supposed to get over years of being made to feel like an idiot kid for things I can’t control.”
Anonymous asked:
Blue, your body will feel more like your own if you change things about it. I know that seems paradoxical to the feeling of not owning your body, but it could be incredibly healing and a massive breakthrough to change even one thing about you. Something simple, easy. Stop wearing as much jewelry? Wear the clothes you picked out for yourself and those nice boots? Shave your beard or restyle it? Again, something small and easy to start out. Don't strain your limits, go slow and don't be afraid to talk to people about how the change makes you feel. You are allowed to change your body, it belongs to you. I assure you that a body can't belong to a dead man, even if he violated you in so many ways like he did, he is gone and he will never possess or hurt you again. You are free to change, free to experiment with your body, free to be something you find beautiful again. Life can be beautiful again, work up to it in small doses and it'll come easier!
Blue’s been in the bathroom since he came back from work, trying to look at himself. He’s got the razor they use for their beards out of its charging port, but he can’t seem to get himself to do anything with it. He closes his eyes. Opens them again. That same, strange face in the mirror.
He pulls his earrings out tentatively. They’re just plain black ones Anti gave him. He sets them down on the counter and breathes.
“Come on, Blue, this is easy,” he mumbles. “It’s easy. It’s my own skin. Not Anti’s… It’s not Anti’s.”
He pulls at his clothes and runs his hands over a myriad of scattered tattoos - birds and plants, snakes, constellations, card suits, a cat’s eye. These are a part of him. Or they are supposed to be. He no longer remembers what any of them mean. Just pictures now. It’s not just Anti who seems to own this body that should be his own - it’s Marvin.
He rubs at his face, exhausted, but he does manage to pull off the rest of his jewelry, leaving only the rose ring Jackie gave him on his finger.
“Blue!”
His twin is pushing his way into the bathroom beside him, grabbing his hand. Jackie looks excited and flushed, but Blue is just exhausted from the endless fighting inside himself and still fuming from the argument with Chase and JJ earlier. He lets Jackie in and tries not to demonstrate his irritation.
“What is it?”
“Hey, JJ helped me find this old number…”
Jackie explains to him about the Swedish magicians, hoping to spark some recognition in Blue’s face. “We can call them and hopefully find Chase’s family, Blue. You’ll help me, right?”
Blue doesn’t remember anything about any of that, but it sounds like a lead. If he could at least do something to make Chase happy - well, it would be nice to get anything right these days.
“Yeah, great. Let’s try them.”
Jackie hurries to punch the number into the phone, pressing it into Blue’s hands. Blue puts it on speaker and holds it out in front of him.
One buzz as it rings.
Two.
Three.
“Hello?”
A male voice with a Swedish accent. Blue wets his mouth and shifts in place, clinging to Jackie’s sleeve.
“Um, yes, hello, we’re looking for Colin and Leah.”
“I’m Colin, who is this?”
“It’s… my name… It’s, um, Marvin. And my brother Jackie’s here… I think we know each other.”
There’s a long pause on the other end of the line. A soft breath. Shaking, slightly. Someone mumbles in the background.
“You were supposed to call months ago,” says Colin’s voice, suddenly frail. “It’s not you anymore. Is it?”
Blue looks at Jackie, who just shakes his head.
“I - I’m just trying to find my nephew and niece,” says Blue weakly. “Please, I… I think we were friends? It’s Marvin…”
“Prove it,” says Colin. “Prove it.”
He doesn’t know what to say.
Anonymous asked:
I can't imagine what he wants to hear in order for you to "prove it" with no context. I guess it's true you're not yourself but you aren't Anti either, which I think is what he's being wary of. I think the important thing is to keep him on the line so maybe offer a brief explanation of what led you here? I don't know if leading with memory loss, hypnotism, and possession is a good idea, but let him know you're safer than you have been. Maybe offer him to meet you first before trying to get the kids if you get that far?
Blue breathes out a long breath.
“Okay, Colin,” he says. “I - I can’t prove anything because I don’t remember anything. I don’t know how we know each other, I don’t know where you are or what you look like, I’m not even sure if my last name is Jackson or not. Here’s what I know - someone hurt my brothers and I and it took us months and months to escape the fucked up situation he put us in. Took us months just to realize how fucked up it was. He caught me, he got in my head, he changed everything about me, and if he hadn’t almost killed me for his own selfish desires, I don’t know if I would ever have been able to snap out of the hold he had on me. But I did. We’re out now. He’s… he’s gone. And, shit, we’re just trying to put this mess back into something livable again. Colin… Chase is here with me. He misses his kids. We have to find them again. We just - we just have to.”
Another long silence.
“At least tell me if they’re okay,” he whispers. “Please.”
“They’re safe,” says Colin softly. “I promised you… I…”
More mumbling on the other line.
“Is Chase there?” asks Colin, and then there’s buzzing and fumbling, and suddenly another voice is in his place.
“Chase?” asks a woman’s voice.
“No. It’s Marvin and Jackie.”
“Can I talk to Chase?”
“I don’t know if it’s worth getting his hopes up if we’re not going to be able to see the kids,” says Blue, closing his eyes. “He misses them enough already.”
The woman doesn’t answer for a long moment.
“Marvin?” she asks.
“Yes?”
“You said you would come back.”
Blue blinks, running his hands through his hair. “I… forgot. I’m sorry.”
“You’re alive?”
“I’m alive,” he whispers.
“All of you?”
“All of us.”
“But not…”
“But not Anti.”
He hears Colin speaking with the woman and a third voice, but can’t make everything out. They argue and murmur at each other for a long time while Jackie and Blue cling to each other in the bathroom, tense as cats about to pounce.
“Come meet us,” offers Blue weakly. “Please. Just - if we can verify that it’s us somehow… he just wants to see his family. He misses them.”
Colin is back now.
“If you tell us your address, someone will come try to see what’s going on.”
It’s Jackie and Blue’s turn to mumble between each other, Jackie’s face drawn back with worry.
“We don’t remember anything. They could be enemies.”
“They were friends back before all this.”
“We don’t know if that ever changed. We don’t know who they’ll send. There’s so few people we can trust.”
“His kids, though… his kids. Don’t we have to try?”
Jackie swallows and wets his mouth, nodding. “Yeah. You’re right. Okay.”
Blue breathes out their address while Jackie rocks on his heels beside him.
“Someone will come,” says Colin. “Marvin, if it’s you, it’s damn good to hear your voice. But if it’s Anti? Or if it’s some puppet of his he’s dragging along on strings, some twisted version of a person who used to be my friend, waiting to hurt the babies too?”
His voice drops low.
“You’re fucking dead.”
The call ends with a click.
Anonymous asked:
Well... That was tense. But I think it went well. I think in the long run, this is a good thing for Chase, for all of you really. It'll be nice to have others to rely on beyond just yourselves. Maybe I'm jumping ahead a bit, so play it safe as necessary of course, but I'm feeling optimistic for you!
“Yeah. Yeah!” Jackie takes the phone from Blue’s hand, walking in hasty steps around the little bathroom as he stares at the number on the phone like it’s a message from God. “This is good. Holy shit. We could actually see our family. Like, outside the five of us. We could actually have friends, maybe. Maybe… start living kind of normally. And it would be okay to start knowing people again… okay to be with people, to have other people, to have family…”
Jackie’s excited, but Blue feels sick. He mulls over Colin’s words, chewing at his mouth. If everyone decides there’s no threat, it’s all well and good, but what if they’re not enough like the people they used to be for them to have Chase’s kids come see them? What if someone decides they’re a threat because of what they’ve been through and what they’ve done? What if the magicians here, like the ones in the UK, decide that JJ’s magical signature is too much like Anti’s, and try to take him away?
Or what if he just meets an old friend face-to-face, and finds that even someone who used to love him no
longer knows anything about who he is?
His mouth waters like he might be sick.
“Hey, guys,” calls Chase from the hallway. “Cheesecake’s done. Come have some!”
Jackie grips Blue’s hand fondly and pulls him from the bathroom, still chattering about the future. Blue yanks his hand back. “Don’t grab me, Jackie!”
“Sorry, sorry. Oh, Chase, it looks great!”
Anonymous asked:
No need to get angry Blue, Jackie was just trying to be affectionate with you. You seem very tense, do you need to take a breather? Today has been very stressful after all.
“Don’t worry about him,” grumbles Chase. “He’s just pissy all the time lately.”
Blue feels heat in his palms. He glares at Chase, who actually manages an irritated scowl back at him for a second before returning to cutting the cake into slices for all of them. Jackie glances between the two of them, tensing.
Chase nevertheless sets a slice of cheesecake down in front of Blue as they settle down at the table. Blue stares down at it. It’s a pretty cake, chocolate and smooth, perfectly baked. It didn’t take Chase long to get back into the swing of cooking and baking. He takes a bite out of it while his brothers talk. It settles heavy in his stomach. He feels nauseous. He knows Chase wants him to eat - that Chase has set big portions in front of him for days and looked up at him with sad puppy dog eyes every time he did not finish - but he really isn’t hungry, and he really isn’t in the fucking mood to make everybody else happy either.
Lately he just makes everybody miserable.
“I’m going to put mine in the fridge for later,” he says, getting up.
Chase doesn’t even protest, just glares down at his own cake.
“Yeah, a breather,” mutters Blue, leaving his cake in the fridge and stalking back into his room, the door closing hard behind him.
Jackie swivels in his chair, towards Blue’s room and away, towards Blue’s room and away.
“Leave him, man, all he does is sulk.” Chase stabs his cheesecake. “He snapped at JJ this morning too. He’s just being a jerk.”
“He’s being a jerk because he’s upset,” says Jackie.
“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean he can just keep keep keep taking it out on us. Especially when we’re offering any help he needs. All we talk about lately is him. The rest of us have shit going on too, you know.”
Anonymous asked:
Blue, I need you to remember what Chase said to you on the lawn. It never should've come down solely to you to save everyone. You could never be expected to do it on your own, it was too much. But damnit, you fought so hard anyway in the beginning, even when it was entirely hopeless. Anti was right, love did tear you down in the end, but love will build you back up too. Love, that's you and your brother's. You need them in order to stop feeling so lost and angry. You need your family's love and care just as you once cared for them. Love is both an undoing and a rebuilding, if you will let it be.
Blue sinks down against his door, hiding his face in his hands and trying to breathe.
“Love, yeah, whatever,” he mutters. “I’m just… I think I’m just too fucked up for this.”
He gets up after a few minutes, sinking down onto his bed. His face is hollow and white.
“A rebuilding… I’m not rebuilding. Not getting anywhere. This… isn’t tenable anymore. I’m making them unhappy.”
He closes his eyes. “Just learned how to fight. Got so used to fighting. Can’t do anything else anymore. Forgot how to take care of them any other way.”
In his head, he still remembers parts of his fight with Red in the basement of that tortured house in Norway, trying to tear his brothers free of Anti, can still remember watching Anti sic Red and Dapper on each other, can still remember Trick falling to the ground with a handprint on his cheek, can still remember blood and torture and Henrik screaming as he beats him, can still remember…
Love, yeah. Family, okay.
How is he supposed to heal when every look at them reminds him - viscerally, painfully, heart-racingly - of every time they’ve been hurt and scared and in danger, and there was so little he could do about it?
How is he supposed to rebuild here?
“I can’t,” he whispers to himself. “I can’t.”
Anonymous asked:
Maybe it feels like you can't heal until they do but that's just not feasible. For anyone. I know time feels meaningless and everything feels stagnant right now. But you all broke through a cycle of abuse, right? It took time and everything you had, but in the end, you're all still here. This is just a new cycle to work through but one of hope and recovery. It feels tedious, mind-numbing, and it's just yourself to grapple with but... there's a long-run now. That's something you weren't even sure you'd ever have again. Maybe routine isn't what you need if it's making you feel so stuck but you won't know until you explore some options.
Blue’s on his feet.
“Other options, yeah,” he mumbles to himself. “I’ve just been - just been trying to make this work. It isn’t working. This isn’t working for me, for anyone.”
Honestly, the thought of having to get up tomorrow morning and live another day like this feels so impossible he thinks he’d rather die. Life is so goddamn long. It seems to stretch out before him like the length of a continent. He wants to just be somewhere else. Be someone else. Be doing something else.
He’s on his knees with his backpack open in front of him, pulling out old trash and abandoned clothes.
Anonymous asked:
Blue, I know there's a lot of what-ifs and worry, and you're trying to fit your old role of Marvin again for people you don't even remember but it's okay that you've gone through a major change, even one as painful as what Anti put you through. The important thing is everyone's alive and okay, and trying to heal. Trust is shaky now but Marvin wouldn't have trusted just anyone with Chase's family. Chase sure as hell wouldn't let him, I bet. Colin accepted you as Marvin, I'm sure they'll still accept you and your brothers as you are, just as they did in the past.
“Right,” he whispers. “I think… I think they’ll be safe with this person. They’ll come and see that the rest of them are okay, are mostly stable, are themselves again, and they’ll let Chase see his kids, and Jackie will find the way back to the house in the woods, and everything will be okay. They’ll be safe…”
He’s shoving clothes into his backpack. Tucking up his books and his frayed little wallet. Setting his new boots by the bag.
There’s a knock on his door.
“What?” he calls.
The door pushes open.
“That wasn’t a ‘come in,’” he snaps, turning on his brother.
It’s JJ in the doorway, gazing at him. “Yeah, well, I can’t talk, so.”
Blue glowers and turns back to his bag. JJ’s hand comes down on his shoulder.
“Blue,” he signs, clicking for his attention. “What are you doing?”
“It’s none of your business.”
JJ crouches down beside him, trying to get his attention, trying to cup his jaw or hold his shoulder. Blue just shoves him off.
“Leave me alone, Jameson.”
Anonymous asked:
Blue, listen to your brother. If you are going to leave, so dead set on it, the least you can do is not do it on a bad note.
“Listen to your brother,” repeats Blue mockingly. “I’m not fucking six years old. I’m sick of getting lectured five times a day. JJ, put your hands on me one more time, I swear - ”
“Well, you won’t look at my hands!” JJ snaps back. “Blue, hey! Please don’t do anything rash. Chase and Jackie - ”
“Chase and Jackie are better off without me here. And I’m sick of - of all of this. Everyone just staring at me like I’m broken. Jackie distracted, Chase ticked off. Forget it.”
“You don’t even have anywhere to go.”
“I can take care of myself. I did for months. Hunted by Anti. I can take care of myself just fine. I’m not a codependent brat like you.”
“I’m sick,” signs JJ quietly.
“I’m sick of caring.”
“You’re just being cruel because you’re angry at yourself.”
Blue’s up on his feet in a flash, shoving him against the wall. JJ stares at him, still beneath his hands.
Anonymous asked:
Rebuild by making new memories as a family. Rebuild by learning how to love them again in new ways. Stop holding onto the past so hard, Blue, you're torturing yourself. I know it's hard to move past what Anti did, and you might have flashbacks for a long while, that's true. But what you're doing right now... You're blaming Anti's actions on them. Unintentionally, true, but Blue you're putting the blame on your family for how Anti treated them.
JJ stares at Blue. His teeth are gritted. His blue eyes glitter dangerously, wet with tears.
“I - I hate this,” Blue chokes out. “All of it. Where’s - weren’t we supposed to get a little happiness?”
JJ can only look at him.
“You don’t have an answer, do you? No one does. New memories, rebuilding, give it time, stop holding on… how? How do I stop seeing Anti in you? I hate everything you do. You’re still just his toy when I look at you. We were so helpless in that bed. Fuck, I hate you. Do you know that? I think it every time I look at you. Anti’s little pet. I hate your fucking guts.”
JJ doesn’t move.
“How do you rebuild from that, huh?” asks Blue, pushing harder on JJ’s chest, pressing him into the wall. His chest hurts. He realizes his heart is beating very fast and his breaths coming even quicker. He’s wheezing. “I don’t have any love for you left. Nothing to rebuild on.”
“Lie,” signs JJ softly.
“It’s not.”
“Lie.”
“I’m never going to remember you, do you realize? Not going to remember when we were friends. You’re just that kid stuck in the attic I couldn’t save in time. And now you’re just his broken toy.”
“No. Lie.”
Anonymous asked:
You going backpacking through Peru to find yourself or something, Blue?
Blue lets the pressure off JJ’s chest, backing away.
“Yeah,” he mutters. “Something like that.”
JJ stares at him from the wall, and Blue even hates the way he looks at him. Puppy eyes. Dapper. What a brat. Lying in that bed beside him. Trapped together. There’s no getting out.
Oh, fuck, he has to get out.
Anonymous asked:
Jackie, Chase. Blue is trying to run away because he thinks it'll help him and he's getting physical with JJ, can one of you come help?
Jackie and Chase look up from their cheesecake.
They’re scrambling down the hallway a second later, shoving into Blue’s room. Blue looks up at them in shock, his backpack over his shoulder, JJ huddled against the wall by the door.
“Fucking tattle-tales,” Blue snarls at you. “How fucked up is it that we never got rid of these cameras? So used to living in Anti’s police state we just kept them along for the ride.”
“What are you doing?” gasps Jackie, half-laughing, his eyes wide. “Where are you going? It’s already evening.”
“Forget it, Jackie.”
Anonymous asked:
You wanna know who you saw Jameson as for the first time in over a year on those stairs in Norway? You saw him as your friend and brother, someone who couldn't be erased. I'm sorry you had to watch him continuously break just as you were breaking too, but it's not too late for JJ and it's not too late for you either. Maybe you do need time away but don't go believing this relationship can't be mended.
Blue bites down hard on his mouth, eyes watering. His head swims.
He used to stay up late at night listening for him - trying to make sure his little brother was still alive, still moving. Set aside plates of food for him in the hopes that Anti would bring him anything. Pick out presents for him at Christmas. He doesn’t know when his view of JJ shifted from Anti’s victim to Anti’s accomplice. Even now, he knows it isn’t fair.
He looks at all of them and is reminded of Anti. It makes him scared, and that, in Blue, just turns into anger, raw and lashing. But at the same time, he wonders if maybe the reason those nights spent imprisoned at JJ’s side became so triggering to him was not just because of the helplessness in that moment, but because it made him realize something: in another world, he could have been JJ, trapped for years and devoted to Anti against all odds.
Maybe it’s just easier to pretend that JJ was weak or cowardly or passive or naive and hate him for that instead of admitting that, in another life, Blue could have been the trained pet trapped in the attic, surviving through humiliation, bloodshed, and kisses on the cheek for years on end.
Because there’s nothing that scares him more than that truth, and killing Anti did not make it false.
Anonymous asked:
Blue, this is fruitless. This whole mess you've made for yourself. You have been refusing to get help for yourself for so so long now. Stop taking out your anger on the only people who have tried to help you.
Blue’s shaking. His nails dig into the straps of his backpack. He honestly thinks he might faint. When was the last time he ate?
“Did you put your hands on him?” asks Jackie, rough and scared at the same time. “You hurt JJ?”
“Your precious baby?” sneers Blue. “Yeah, I shoved him. Careful, he might fall into a million little pieces.”
His snarl is somewhat undercut by his voice breaking. Jackie stares at him, eyebrows drawn back, mouth taut.
“You can’t do that,” says Jackie frailly.
“Yeah, well, I’m going, okay?”
Jackie’s mouth parts. “What? No! You can’t.”
Blue breathes through his teeth, heart thudding hard in his chest.
“I can’t?”
Anonymous asked:
Blue, leave if you must. We're not stopping you if you need time to yourself. But can I advise at least waiting until this person from Sweden drops by? I'm just saying it will seem a bit weird for you being the one who spoke to them over the phone and then up and disappearing. They might fear the worst if they at least don't see you all together and safe.
At least sleep on things first.
“I don’t want the magicians to think I’m - to realize I’m not myself anymore,” says Blue roughly. “I think I should go.”
“Hey, hold on, hold on,” laughs Chase weakly. “You can’t go, Blue. They’re right, please? Sleep on it?”
“Oh, now you want me around? I’m not a jerk anymore?”
“You are acting like a jerk!” snaps Chase. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t still love you!”
“We’re brothers,” says Jackie. “You have to be here with us, Blue.”
“Yeah, newsflash, Jackie - most brothers don’t live with each other when they’re all in their twenties and thirties. We’re not even real brothers.”
“Don’t say that.”
“You didn’t even want me when Anti first gave me to you! You didn’t want a twin! We only became friends because he fucking hypnotized us into it!”
“No, that’s not true!”
“Just get out of my way, Jackie!”
“No!” yells his brother.
“Guys, sign, please,” Chase is begging, signing himself now. “We can’t shout, remember, we agreed to sign so we don’t scare Henrik - ”
“You shoved JJ and now you want to leave? Run away with no plan for where you’ll go? You’re going to hurt yourself, aren’t you? Admit it!” Jackie gasps, his eyes shedding tears. “You’re going to go hurt yourself!”
“No, I just don’t want to see your fucking face anymore!” screams back Blue. “You only care about me when there’s an emergency going on! The rest of the time you’re just lost in your head, only caring about your baby brothers! You wouldn’t even care about me if Anti hadn’t forced us to love each other!”
“That was ages ago and we’ve loved each other since no matter what he did to us. Don’t say that!”
“Guys, sign, please!”
“I’m leaving now,” spits Blue, eyes flashing. “No more shouting. Chase is right. We’re just scaring Henrik. Move out of my way, Jackie, and I’ll go.”
“No,” breathes Jackie, set in front of the door. “No, you can’t go. I said so. You’re staying in your room and you’ll sleep on it and when you come to your senses you won’t go.”
Something changes in Blue’s stance.
His eyes glitter.
“You’re going to trap me in here?” he laughs, tears welling in his eyes and heat pooling in his hands. “Is that it?”
“I’m big brother,” says Jackie, teeth flashing. “And I said you can’t go.”
Anonymous asked:
Running away from yourself is the worst way to handle this Blue. And I know you're not running away from them. You're trying to run from yourself, but I think you know you can't escape that. Don't be so rash and hurried to run off over this. You won't enjoy life more if you're away from them, I hope you know this. You're mistaking the need to escape yourself and your actions as a physical need to run away.
“Guys,” says Chase. “Guys, let’s have a break. Guys, hey. You’re scaring me.”
“They’re right,” says Jackie, gesturing at the cameras. “You’re just acting angry so you can pretend this is about us and not about you and all the shit you refuse to deal with.”
“Oh, I’m plenty angry, I promise you that much, darling.”
“You just think you can’t heal from this,” Jackie continues, undaunted, his face red with crying. “So you want someone to blame it on other than yourself. We love each other, all of us, and you know that.”
“Where have you been when I really needed you? Worried about the others.”
“If you had asked me for anything, I would have been there.”
“Maybe that’s not enough!”
“Well, then you need to go get some help that is enough!” shouts Jackie. “Because even if I love you enough to move mountains, I can’t fix you, Blue! And if you’re angry because I haven’t done that, I’m sorry, but it’s never, never going to happen. No one else can make this right for you.”
Blue stares at him, chest heaving.
“I love you,” sobs Jackie. “I’m sorry if I let you down. I want to do better at making time for you, at being there for you, at listening… but I can’t heal you, Blue. I can’t make things right. I’m sorry.”
“Just let me go,” cries Blue, pushing against his chest.
“No, you’ll hurt yourself.”
“Jackie, move, I swear to God!”
“Guys, please stop yelling!” cries Chase, hands over his ears. “Please, you’re scaring me!”
“You’re going to trap me like Anti did, is that it?”
“I love you, you can’t go!”
“Jackie, move!”
“Guys!”
“Chase, just go watch Henrik, I won’t move, Blue!”
“Fucking tyrant! You’re just like him! Move!”
He’s back in Anti’s skin. He’s trapped in Anti’s skin. He can’t get out. He screams and shoves against Jackie. He needs to run. He can’t get out. JJ’s big eyes are fixed on him from behind Jackie. Helpless, helpless. Blue shrieks aloud, hitting Jackie’s chest.
“Let me go! Let me go!”
Their grips tighten on each other. Jackie’s yelling too and Chase is screaming for them to stop. JJ signs something behind them, but Blue can’t listen, can’t look, can’t do anything. He’s stuck, he’s helpless, he’s trapped, his bedroom, Anti is laughing in his head, laughing aloud in his head -
Raw animal hatred and weeks of mortal fury. Blue is terrified.
He throws Jackie into the wall, fire burning in his palms.
Jackie gets back on his feet again, eyes flashing, and rises to meet him.
Anonymous asked:
Goddamnit you guys, stop! This isn't worth hurting each other over!
You can't force him to stay, Jackie, are you really going to hurt him to keep him here because you're afraid he'll hurt himself? This big brother chokehold you have on everyone has got to loosen! Fighting won't make him want to stay and you won't feel any better afterwards.
Blue, it's okay to be scared and it's okay that you want to go, but slow down a minute and talk things through! You can't just disappear with no plan and no communication with the people you have left! You're not feeling like yourself but I know how you're acting isn't who you want to be.
Jackie backs off halfway through reaching out to grab Blue by the collar, blinking as he realizes you’re right. He’s just scared. He’ll tell Blue that, he can talk, they can talk this through -
Blue’s fist drives into the side of his head and Jackie falls back, shaking his head, and must reach up to intercept a second blow, hollering in alarm. Blue looks feral, writhing and screaming when Jackie grabs his wrist, crying like he’s reached the end of every rope he was tethered to. Jackie’s fear of him leaving and hurting himself turns into fear that he’ll hurt himself now, and all he can do is try to pin him down and calm him.
“Blue, I’m sorry, please. You just scared me, I don’t want you to go. Blue.”
Blue scratches at Jackie’s face and tears at his hair. Jackie’s seen his twin fight and this isn’t what he’s usually like - Blue’s calculated and swift, less bold than himself or JJ, keeping his distance, sharp and taunting. This is just Blue unhinged.
He shouldn’t have yelled at him. He shouldn’t have bossed him around. He’s crying again, trying to make Blue stop, and it hurts when his fierce nails come digging into his face.
“Blue, Blue!”
JJ appears at his side, trying to help, but Blue won’t look at his signing. JJ grabs Blue’s arm, and then, when that doesn’t stop him, his hair, yanking him back from Jackie. Blue shrieks and whirls on him, and then -
Fire and plant life. Heat and thorn. Jackie gasps against the sudden outburst, falling back in his alarm, and JJ goes crashing to the ground with a gasp. A flash of green and then blood splurts from his face in the stripe of a rose branch. Blue is yelling at Anti as if he’s lying right there in JJ’s skin, screaming death threats and promises for revenge as if he hasn’t already killed him. He stalks towards JJ as flame swallows his feet and everything else in Jackie is over-thrown as he watches his little brother scramble back.
He’ll hurt him, he’ll hurt him, my brother!
He shoves past Blue and folds himself over JJ’s body, clutching the bloodied face to his chest, hiding with his back to his twin. He can hear sobbing somewhere in the house and doesn’t know who it belongs to. He rocks over JJ’s body, curling around him, chanting apologies.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Anti, don’t hurt him, Anti, I’m sorry, I was bad, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
Anonymous asked:
BLUE.
Anti hurt your brothers and made them thank him for it.
YOU are hurting your brothers and they're pleading for you to stop.
You are NOT Anti, and neither are they. You have no enemies here.
If you want to be better than Anti, be rid of whatever hell on earth he left behind, if you want to find yourself again, you need to stop, you need to think, you need to talk this out.
Maybe leaving is your best choice for healing, but this isn't the way to prove it, this isn't making you better.
He’s fallen down against the board of his bed, eyes huge, hands over his mouth. Fire and tendrils of plant life sway and flicker around him in a tangle of magic.
That smear of blood against JJ’s cheek -
Blue is paralyzed.
Anti throws him down the stairs and blood weeps from JJ’s nose, his face and ribs dark with bruising.
Anti strikes him in retaliation for a slap of his own and JJ crashes to the floor, cringing as a collar is locked too tight around his throat.
JJ staggers into the house slicked in a stranger’s blood, used as Anti’s weapon.
JJ on the ground… JJ tortured… JJ on the side of a cliff-face, weeping…
Blue rocks himself, whimpering. Tears come running down the indents of his hands.
He hurt him, he hurt him!
And Red, his Red, his Jackie.
He’s whispering to himself - “oh, no, oh, no, oh, no. Not this, no.”
He should’ve - he should’ve - anything but this, he - just, his magic, he was out of control, he needs to - needs to -
He staggers to his feet, dizzy with the effort it takes to control his magic and pull the power back into himself. He’s scraped himself in the fight and there’s more than one heavy cut on his arms and neck, red and drizzling. He hyperventilates as he scrambles to grab his backpack and a burned pair of new boots off the ground, staggering towards the door.
Anonymous asked:
I think you do need to get away for a bit Blue. I think some time away would help you realize how much you love them as well as giving you a chance to calm down. Just bring a camera with you, please. Bring a camera so we can know you're okay. You need someone to be watching your back.
Blue pants, his eyes flashing to you as he moves into the living room, gripping the handle of the door. For a second, he shakes his head at you, breathless and white, and tries to move out the door with nothing but that backpack and his burned shoes, but this stops him at the last moment. His hands draw towards a camera and then fall back again.
“Blue, no!” Jackie screams from the other room. “No, no, don’t go!”
Blue takes the camera and turns it off, stuffing it into his backpack as his brother emerges to try and follow him.
“Jackie, let me go,” Blue gasps.
Jackie’s just chanting pleas for him to stay, wild and afraid. Blue looks back at him for a second, reaching back to him with that silver rose wrapped around his finger.
“Ro,” he croaks. “I love - I love - I’m sorry, I love you.”
He slips through the front door.
aether-mae asked:
If you have to go, don’t go far, don’t be reckless. Make it temporary, come back when you’re ready
“Blue!” cries Ro, chasing after him, though he’s shaking bad enough it seems to make it hard to think. “Blue, no, come back! You can’t go, don’t go! Where will you go? What if someone hurts you? Someone hurts my little brothers, my brother, Blue, come back, come back. When will you come back? Don’t go.”
Blue is already racing away, down the stairs, down the pavement, and he heads for the busiest part of town. Jackie sobs and follows after, but his twin is slipping away from him, and some part of him is screaming: If he goes now, he will never, ever come home to you.
Anonymous asked:
Jackie, you might have to grab him. If he leaves he might never come home. You might need to get slightly physical to remind him of how much he means to you. Talk to him, tell him you love him and how much it's upsetting you. He needs to know that you care, remember. He needs to know that you all love him even when he can't love himself.
Jackie races down the stairs and after his twin.
“Jackie, don’t!” snaps Blue, eyes red with crying. “Just leave me alone!”
Jackie is running while Blue tries to head towards the street, pulling away from him, but Jackie has his wrist soon enough, grabbing him tight. “No, you’re not going!”
“Jackie, don’t grab me!” screams Blue, immediately beginning to get worked up again, hands hot. “We’re in public, get off me!”
Jackie’s just shaking his head and crying, clinging to him, and Blue can’t get him off. He starts shoving at Jackie and shouting again, leaves curling around his hands.
Anonymous asked:
Catch him Jackie, you can do it, you're strong again! Tackle him to the ground if you have to but let him know how badly you need him to stay! He needs to know how loved and cared for he is! He needs his family, his brothers, to show him how to love and be loved again.
Jackie can’t talk anymore. He’s just clinging to him. Blue writhes and Jackie feels his grief and fear mix up with a growing anger. He tried to run away from him? He struck JJ and shoved at him? He’s not allowed to do that. He can’t go. No. Jackie is stronger than him.
Jackie hooks his arm around Blue’s waist and drags him back towards the apartment.
“This is love, then?” shrieks Blue. “This is brotherhood?”
Anonymous asked:
Your family needs you to stay Marvin. Your family would never be the same without you. You are part of their soul just as they are part of you. If you leave now you will never, ever be able to stop thinking about them. You will be alone, truly alone with yourself and no one else to help save you from the things you hate about yourself. You shouldn't go. You'll lose yourself, your family, and your home.
“You don’t trust me to take care of myself,” sobs Blue. “I don’t want to be here. I hate being here. I hate seeing them every day, I do. I’m triggered and miserable and losing weight. Please let me go. Let me go and find some part of myself outside of the crushing fucking weight of how much I’ve let you all down. I can’t take this anymore.”
Anonymous asked:
Jackie, he's upset and confused. And scared. I wish we could make him come home right now but that's not for any of us to decide. He has a camera, we'll look after him. Right now, maybe we should leave him be. We can't keep smothering him. You have things you need to take care of at home right now. Blue will come back when he's ready but I don't know if there's anything else we can say to him tonight.
Jackie shakes his head fiercely, shuddering. He lets Blue’s feet rest against the ground again after a minute and buries his face in his twin’s shoulder, whimpering.
Blue holds onto his arms, his face sallow and exhausted, tears dripping from his beard.
Anonymous asked:
Blue, stop trying to run away! Calm down for a moment, calm down and think rationally. Where will you go, what will you do? Blue this is reckless and way beyond anything you should be doing. You are making them more upset by leaving then you have made them this entire time so far. You are upsetting your brothers by trying to leave. Think for a second and calm down. You need to be here for the magicians. They won't let Chase see his kids if you're not here. Stop and think about your family!
“Where, where, where,” breathes Jackie, struggling to think or breathe. “Where will you go?”
“Just let me go.”
“Tell me, tell me. I’m scared, tell me.”
Blue wipes at his face, sucking in a deep breath. Rational - he can be rational. Maybe. He doesn’t feel well.
“I want you to let me go.”
“No, no, no. You have to - ”
“I’ll go to that bus we stayed in,” says Blue. “Sleep there. But I swear, Jackie, don’t follow me.”
“Blue…”
He finally shoves Jackie off him, backing away.
“Tell the magicians you’re better off without me.”
He turns and stalks away from him, panting. Jackie just follows helplessly after, croaking his name, but Blue won’t look back, and as they approach the bus station, it’s beginning to be crowded with people coming home from work.
Anonymous asked:
You won't find anything you don't already have by running away from yourself Blue
“Then at least I can fall apart without anybody else there to burn in my wake.”
Anonymous asked:
They are not better off without you. You complete them. The full set, remember? They became a family again when you got here.
Blue hurries across a street as the light changes, making it to the other side even as cars start to fill the road, zipping past him in a blur of color. For a second, he turns, and there - Jackie’s eyes looking back at him from the other side of the street. Jackie’s huge, haunted eyes.
And Blue has thought to himself many times: here, the other piece of my soul. And he has held his little brothers too and felt some part of himself made whole by the weight of their bodies against his own. And he has survived on the beating of their heart; has drawn air through their lungs; has bled for them, as a pelican bleeds for her chicks.
But he is not a pelican and he is not a half-formed soul and he is not a piece of a tea cup collection or a chess game that makes a set whole. Or if he is, well - he is a pawn shattered in killing the king.
In another mindset, he would turn around and go back to Jackie.
His self-hatred has swallowed him up, and he does not want to look into the face he shares, and see his broken reflection in Jackie’s eyes.
He does run away from himself - and everything else, too, and Jackie sees, as he goes, a flash of blue eyes, and the silver glint of a rosey ring, and then his Blue is gone.
Jackie and Marvin have a rough time of things. Henrik comes back towards the surface, at least for a minute. Masterlist
Tws for self-hatred, past abuse, suicidal and depressive ideation, and Marvin lashing out at the audience. Tws may not be completely exhaustive - keep in mind the heaviness of the fic and look out for yourself.
Thank you to @lehhoh7822 for taking the time to compile this book!
Anonymous asked:
Happy birthday Jackieboy! How goes the end of the ballet? Or are they not quite there yet?
He pants in the darkness of the alley, his hood over his head. He flexes his fingers. Stretches his neck. Spits.
“Yeah,” he says lowly. “Apparently that one doesn't turn out so well in the end."
At his feet, a trio of bodies. He turns and walks away, shaking blood off his hands.
Got to get the anger out somehow.
Anonymous asked:
Jackie what happened?? What did you do?
“What? They’re the ones who picked a fight.” He strikes the wall beside him, hard. “Drunk fucks.”
And if he went to a bad part of town in the hopes that somebody might provoke him, that’s nobody’s business.
Anonymous asked:
Aww Jackie. I'm sorry the play wasn't pleasant and upset you. But can I ask why you needed to beat up three people over it? Did something happen?
“They were hollering at some girl. I handled it for her. I did good. I stopped it. I did!”
He shoves his hands in his pockets and trudges home, kicking at rocks.
Anonymous asked:
There are healthier ways to punch things, JBM. Considered buying a punching bag or joining a gym? Martial arts lessons? Just anything but beating up strangers unless you suddenly like the idea of jail.
“Not the same rush,” mutters Jackie, eyes dark. “He spent so long teaching me to be his killer. Learned to like the adrenaline. The control. He would always be so proud of me… and I guess I’m just fucked up enough to enjoy the power of it.”
He stares down at the ground as he walks.
“Do you remember when we all went back in time, and Marvin told me what a hero I was? And how I was a good big brother and they all loved me? I want to be that person again. I’m trying to be Jackie. But there are parts of me that will always be Red, and I’m not sure I can handle that. There are parts of me that will always be scarred by him. No matter how much I heal.”
He kicks a stone. “I just want to go home. I shouldn’t have done that. I know. I was angry before. It made me feel better, that’s all.”
Anonymous asked:
Heroism is not random acts of vigilantism, Jackie. Heroism is self sacrifice for the good of others. You don't need to pick fights to be a hero again.
“I like picking fights, though,” he says. “I’m his little killer. It’s the only thing I’m good at. Fights and tech. I can’t even make Blue smile anymore.”
Anonymous asked:
Ah yes, "all you're good at" as though you haven't been brave and powerful and strong for months now purely for the sake of your brothers, as if you havent been sacrificing every part of yourself for the good of their health and safety. You're still more of a hero than you ever were a killer.
That makes him smile a little, playing with his hands.
“They deserve better. That’s all.”
Anonymous asked:
How'd the ballet go Jackie? Also, Blue is going to need your support and encouragement when you get home, he's not doing well, and you're the only person he seems to feel like he hasn't hurt.
“What? What’s wrong with him?”
He reaches the steps up to their apartment, gripping anxiously at the bars of the staircase. “Chase might be a better help to him than me.”
Anonymous asked:
Blue asked for you specifically! He seemed to want to be comforted by you before. Maybe spending some time together would be good for both of you.
“He wants me?”
Jackie steps quietly into the apartment, locking the door behind him. Their empty living space looks back at him, but at least he knows the fridge and cupboards are stocked now.
Blue’s door is slightly open. Jackie peers inside. His twin is hiding beneath the covers, quiet. There’s a couple little packages on the bed, wrapped up in newspaper.
Anonymous asked:
Ooohh packages? What's inside? And how are you doing Blue?
Jackie pulls apart the top package carefully, finding the Princess Bride wrapped up inside. He grins and looks up to find Blue looking back at him, eyes tired.
“Happy birthday,” Blue mumbles.
“Thanks,” says Jackie softly.
“You’re coming to bed?”
“How are you?” Jackie redirects, blinking at him.
Blue pulls his covers up to his chin. “Fine.”
“Oh, good,” says Jackie, sighing. “The cameras thought you were upset.”
“I’m just tired.”
“Then you should sleep.”
Blue gazes at him, mouth tight.
Anonymous asked:
The anger and guilt and self-hate are a part of the healing process, Marvin. Chase is right, it takes time. Time and therapy and building of a support system. You can't expect to magically be healed in only a short amount of time AND without talking to a professional or taking medicine to help with your moods. You can take action to heal quicker, but you're refusing it.
Blue slides back onto his side while Jackie looks through his presents - his new jackets and shoes and the book and some candy. He’s eating Hot Tamales by the time he looks up again, and it is then, in the lowlight of their only lamp in the house, that he sees Blue shaking with tears, silent against his pillows.
Jackie crawls over him on the bed, confused, and uses his sleeve to wipe at his reddened face. It’s not like Blue to cry. He gets mad. He does not cry. Jackie is often the same way.
“Not fine?” asks Jackie.
Blue moans and buries his face in his pillow. Jackie hovers over him, hand on his shoulder, brushing away his tears.
“You can… have anything you need,” offers Jackie anxiously. “Just tell me. I can try. I’m not good at any of it but I can try. I would bring you anything.”
“Nothing’s going to fix this.”
“Fix what?” asks Jackie, bewildered. “Why won’t you tell me?”
“I wish you could just - the way that Chase always knows exactly what Henrik needs. I wish you could do that.”
Jackie chews on his nails. “But I can’t do that.”
“I know, trust me…”
“So you have to tell me.”
“I don’t know.”
“This isn’t fair,” protests Jackie, squeezing his shoulder. “Tell me, tell. You’re a liar. You said you were fine.”
Anonymous asked:
Blue, you are YOU. You are not Anti nor just what he left behind. You're an individual and you belong to yourself. Your body is yours, and your mind is yours. I understand the self hatred, it's brought on by your immense trauma and guilt. Stop, slow your thoughts, identify your strengths, learn to accept compliments and good words from yourself and others, and develop some self compassion instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings.
“Compliments, I can do compliments,” says Jackie swiftly.
“Jackie - is there blood on you? Hey!”
“Don’t worry about it, don’t worry. I love you. You’re smart, did you know that?”
“You jackass, you did not get in another fight. Come on, we’re going to the bathroom to clean you up right now.”
Jackie lets Blue pull him by the arm towards the bathroom.
“You read so fast I bet you could learn anything if you just felt like it. You know like five languages. I love how you - how you hold yourself? Like you know you’re something just a little bit unnatural. Just a little dangerous. You should because when you use your power, you look like some kind of constellation come to life.”
“Jackie…” Blue blots blood from his face with a washcloth, pushing the soft hair from his face. “I don’t need compliments. I just want to take care of you, okay?”
“What do you think I’m trying to do?” shouts Jackie.
Blue slows, blinking at him. Jackie blinks back, their hands tentative in the air between them.
“You won’t let anyone do anything,” croaks Jackie. “Just angry and unhappy all the time.”
“Hypocrite,” whispers Blue.
Jackie just looks down, shaking his head. After a long moment, he slinks forward and places his head on Blue’s shoulder, hiding against his neck, and Blue is still.
“You are… you. My twin. I don’t care what name you go by. You don’t have to be anything else.”
The tears are back. Dripping down his cheeks.
“I want to be.”
“Then I want to help,” says Jackie. “As long as what you want to change is the parts of yourself that hurt you, and not the parts of yourself that just want the pain to stop.”
Anonymous asked:
Fine, okay, hate yourself forever if that's what you want. But Blue, goddamnit, you absolutely cannot treat your brothers like this. You cannot be cruel to them and take out your anger on them. You are hurting the people around you because of how much you hurt inside. Go to a therapist. Go to a psychiatrist. Get help, you have people willing to do it. Stop yourself in this tirade before you burry yourself in the dirt.
Jackie doesn’t know what to do with a crying Blue. He just… clings to him.
“I know how awful I’m being,” sobs Blue. “It keeps me awake. I feel like I can’t help it half the time. Something about them… not my Chase. It’s Dapper and Dok.”
“JJ and Schneep.”
“How am I supposed to see them that way when I saw them through Anti’s eyes?” Blue cries, clinging to his brother’s hoodie, to his hair, to his shoulders. “I beat Dok until he was screaming for me to stop, telling me he would do anything, I - ”
“You didn’t do that. That was Anti.”
“I held Dapper in my bed and forced him to lie down with me. I could have done worse. I could have done anything. That’s the worst fucking part. Anti could have done anything to him with my hands. He could have tortured him, could have made him kill, could have had sex with him, whatever he wanted. And I was in the same boat. He could have used my body for anything. And the two of us, we would lie there under Anti’s control, in that bed, for hours every night, neither of us moving, both of us trapped, helpless, helpless. Every time I look at him I’m - I’m - ”
He’s back in that bed again. Anti’s beneath his skin. Anti’s using him to beat Henrik, Anti’s using him to hypnotize Chase til he’s quiet again. Anti’s there. And Dapper’s looking back at him, just as trapped, just as despairing, and there is nothing he can do, nothing he can do, he has to do something, he has to do -
“Ow, ow, Blue!” cries Jackie, and when he comes back to awareness Blue has to tear roses out of his brother’s arms, gasping at the blood running down them.
“Oh, shit, I - Red, I didn’t mean to, I just - I’ll bandage it, I’m sorry!”
Anonymous asked:
You were violated, Blue. The others didn't deserve what happened to them, but you didn't deserve what happened to you either. You were stepped off your powers and your very autonomy, but even if it doesn't feel like it, you still have your worth. Not as a puppet but as a person and a brother and yourself.
“How do I come back from being used like that?” asks Blue. “Doesn’t it just fuck you up forever? He just… really took everything from me.”
“We’re here,” whispers Jackie.
“I look at all of you and see him. I look at myself and see him. Everything is drifting through his fog. I don’t even have the memories of a time where he wasn’t there.”
“You’re going to have to trust me on this one,” says Jackie, placing a hand on the back of his twin’s head and drawing him close. “You are a very distinct person from Anti. And I really think that we can… get better, in some ways.”
“You don’t sound all that sure.”
“I’m not,” admits Jackie weakly. “Because I think I’ve been feeling the same way. Like his killer. It helps me to talk about it because then at least I realize what it is I’m feeling.”
“I just feel bad about myself,” says Blue. “And… terrified every time I remember. Every time I look at JJ and Schneep, or something else reminds me. Then I lash out and I’m just playing his game again.”
Anonymous asked:
Start building something new, Blue. You can't heal if you keep insisting you're still Blue, but you don't have to be Marvin either. Be somebody new, make someone you can love. You don't have to hate yourself forever. Dye your hair, get a new piercing, or buy clothes that feel familiar. Be /you/. Not Blue, not Marvin. You don't have to just wallow in the hate. Change things about yourself that annoy you. Reinvent yourself, and stop pushing your family away.
“I’m sorry,” says Blue quietly. “There’s so little of me left I don’t know where to start building from. I don’t know what I want. Don’t trust myself to do anything to my own body. Like it’s not mine. I’d be scared to change it. I - ”
There’s a short sob somewhere down the hall.
Jackie stands straight up, his hand falling from Blue’s head in an instant. His eyes are wide and alert.
“Jackie - ”
“That was JJ,” he says. “That’s my little brother.”
And just like that - just one second later - he’s vanishing down the hall.
He’s gone.
Blue stands in the bathroom, mouth trembling. Jackie’s blood drizzles into the sink. Tears slip down his face, defeated and angry, and he hiccups on a sob of his own.
Anonymous asked:
Is JJ okay? And Jackie, get back to Blue as soon as you can, he's going through a lot right now, though I know all of you are and it must be hard to prioritize.
“Jamie, Jamie.” Jackie races towards him, pushing open his door. He knows what Blue says in situations like this. “Honey, love, here I am.”
His brother is gone from his room and Jackie’s heart panics for a second - he stole him away from me! - before he hears him crying from the closet. Jackie tears open the white door and kneels down beside him, gripping his shoulder. “Dapper, JJ, my little man. Look at me, pal.”
“Trapped, room, trapped, room, trapped, room,” JJ is signing, over and over again. “Trapped room trapped room trapped - ”
Jackie drags him right out of the closet, shoving the door to the room open and pulling him into the living space. He shoves open the door to their little cement balcony.
“No, no, I’m in trouble, I’m in trouble,” scream JJ’s hands, tearing at his hair.
“Not in trouble. You’re not in trouble. He’s not here. He won’t hurt you.”
“They locked my door in the psych ward, couldn’t get out, couldn’t get out! I’m trying to be good, I don’t want to go back, I’m in trouble!”
“No, Dap, no, you can stay, you’re not in trouble…”
Blue slides numbly from the bathroom, treading into the living room to listen to his twin’s loving voice soothing and reassuring JJ through his panic.
“I can’t sleep alone, I can feel him looking at me, and the bed is so cold, I haven’t slept alone in years!”
“I can stay with you if you want, just breathe, Jaimer, just breathe for me.”
Blue’s heart gives one sharp thud of pain. He clenches his fists and thorns and flame wreath his fingers, making them shake. His head swims. He hates this. Anger and guilt and despair.
Forget it.
“I’m right here, Jamie, my Jamie…”
Blue stalks back to his room and locks the door behind him.
Anonymous asked:
You aren't trapped JJ, it'll be okay. See, you can go out on the balcony! No one will take you away and no one will force you to be locked up anymore. Your big brother is letting you leave the room, letting you go out in the fresh air. You'll be okay. Never have to be trapped again.
“I couldn’t get out of my room at night at the hospital, and I was scared, I was scared, but I didn’t want - didn’t want to get stuck, had to be good to get out, had to - ”
“Breathe, Jaimer, slower for me, okay? Slower. They locked your door?”
“They can’t just let people wander at night…”
Jackie rocks them both back and forth on the floor, his brother pinned to his chest. “Why didn’t you tell me that was stressing you out?”
“I just wanted to be good so I could go home. Everybody was always watching me in that place. I’m just always a prisoner.”
“Ah, Dipper… fuck’s sake, I’m sorry this keeps happening. We just wanted you to be better, didn’t mean to reinforce anything he taught you. Were you just masking? Do you even feel better at all?”
“I do feel better, I do,” JJ answers him quickly. “But sometimes I think that coping with this - with all of this - the masking is the coping. If I can hide it I’m doing better. If I can tell that Anti’s not real when I see him across the room, if I can ignore him - that’s better than I was before.”
He’s wiping at his reddened face. Jackie rocks him slowly, watching him.
“But you still feel bad?”
JJ huffs out a sigh and places his head against Jackie’s shoulder, squeezing his knee for a second. “I just got scared, that’s all. There’s a part of me still so worried that Anti is here, in a way. That we’re going to fall back into old patterns. That you’d lock me up if I acted badly or that Blue is going to hurt me because I remind him of Anti.”
Jackie’s eyes darken. “Dude. He wouldn’t do that.”
“I can’t help my paranoia,” signs back Jamie, letting his eyes slide shut. “And I see it in his face: sometimes he does want to hurt me. To melt away the parts of me that remind him of Anti the same way he melted my knife.”
Jackie doesn’t know what to say. He rocks JJ until his brother’s breathing has slowed and his heart is jackrabbiting against the both of them, maybe ten minutes later.
“Let’s go back to bed,” he says softly.
“Don’t leave me,” pleads JJ. “When my bed is empty, he comes to fill the space beside me. His hands run over my stomach.”
“I won’t, Jaimer. I won’t.”
Anonymous asked:
Oh, Blue honey, don't feel too awfully dejected from Jackie running off... You know he's hypervigilant when it comes to the younger three, but I'm sure he'll come back to you. You deserve care and comfort just as much as they do, maybe even more right now. Believe yourself to be worthy of comfort, even though the self-hatred tells you otherwise. Jackie loves you just as much as the others, he just trusts you more to handle yourself alone. For better or worse, honestly.
Blue changes into PJs quietly, the energy gone out of him. For a few minutes, he hears Jackie pulling at the door and calling his name, confused, but he doesn’t answer, and eventually his twin slips away again.
Off to deal with his favorites.
Maybe it’s his fault. He knows how stubborn he’s been. He’s refused help for so long that the others don’t know how to give it to him anymore, or even to recognize that he needs it. He doesn’t like to be fussed over much anyway, and he sure as hell doesn’t want to be babied.
But it might be nice. Just for a minute. It might be nice to have Jackie call him little brother and cuddle up with him in their bed, just the two of them, instead of shying away from each other on either side of the mattress like they do most days. Like they don’t know what to do with each other anymore.
He wonders if Anti was what was holding the pair of them together - Anti and the need to protect their younger siblings. Red hated having a newcomer when they first met, after all. It wasn’t until Anti reset the both of them and shoved them into brotherhood that they decided they loved each other. Maybe they’re not even friends. Just survivors who were stranded on the same life boat, and now that they’re back on dry land, Jackie can go wherever he wants.
He lies in bed for a long time, but he can’t sleep. He’s slept all day. He trudges out into the hallway and peers into JJ’s room, just for a minute.
Jackie is curled around his younger brother, the pair of them asleep on the floor under blankets and each other’s arms. Jackie keeps Jameson safe.
Blue checks on Henrik and Chase.
“Dok?” he murmurs. “Why are you up?”
Henrik turns to him, blinking in the darkness.
“Do you need something?” he asks.
Henrik shakes his head. Chase is asleep in their nest, hand stretched out in the space where his twin should be.
Blue gives Henrik a kiss on the head. “Go to sleep, my darling.”
Henrik gazes up at him. For a second, his scarred hand rises to stroke across Blue’s cheek, cupping his face.
Blue thinks he would probably make everything right if he were here. Henrik would probably open his mouth and make everything in the world right.
He leads his little brother gently back to their nest and lies him down beside Chase, who readjusts instantly to hold him. They’re all magnets, clicking against each other, and Blue is just something plastic trying to fit in.
“Good night, sunshine.”
Henrik watches him leave their room, his blue eyes glittering in the moonlight. Blue closes the door behind him and goes back to bed.
.
Anonymous asked:
Blue you won't ever be anything but Antis if you keep insisting on not getting help. There's a reason you're not healing and don't feel okay, and it's because you won't talk to anyone, and you won't express how you feel, and you won't see professionals. You are sabotaging yourself. You need to see someone, get outside help. I know what it feels like to hate yourself, and taking it out on others around you is the worst thing you could do. Stop cutting people off with your hatred and guilt.
“I’m so glad you came,” Chase is telling him the next day, over and over. “I’m so glad you’re here. Thanks, I just - I’ve been worried. I love you, you know?”
He does know. He wants to be all fluffy and affectionate with him again, but he doesn’t have the energy. He doesn’t want to be here. But maybe everyone’s right.
He can’t handle this on his own.
“Mathew?” calls the receptionist.
“It’s Matti,” he says wearily, getting to his feet. “Chase, I’ll just be a few.”
“Take your time,” says Chase, squeezing his hand goodbye. “I’ll be right here when you’re done.”
Blue steps back into the doctor’s office and sits down in an examination room, slumping back against the wall and closing his eyes, worn.
Anonymous asked:
Tell the doctor about the unstable moods and anger you're dealing with, Blue. It might lead to you getting a psychiatrist and someone to talk to.
“So. What are we here to look at, Matti?”
Dr. Bowlan looks at him with this placid smile on his mouth, a clipboard resting on his knee. Blue sighs through his teeth, sick of this already. He knows, doesn’t he? He circled mood swings and irritability on his intake paperwork. He went through the questions the nurse asked him.
“Little interest or pleasure in doing things?”
“Every day.”
“Feeling down, depressed, or hopeless.”
“Most days.”
“Trouble falling or staying asleep, or sleeping too much.”
“Most days.”
“Feeling tired or having little energy.”
“Every day.”
“Poor appetite or over-eating.”
“Most days.”
“Feeling bad about yourself or that you are a failure or have let your family down.”
“Every day.”
“Trouble concentrating on things?”
“Some days.”
“Moving or speaking slowly or being restless and fidgeting.”
“Not at all.”
“Thoughts that you would be better off dead or hurting yourself in some way.”
“… Every day.”
“In the past two weeks, have you done anything or planned to do anything with the intent of ending your life?”
“No.”
“You’re not feeling good?” murmurs Dr. Bowlan, bringing him back to the present.
Blue shakes his head. No. He’s not feeling good.
“I’m taking it out on the others,” he says thinly. “I’m angry at all of them. It has to stop. I can’t help them like this.”
Anonymous asked:
There's definitely some problems here, Blue's clues. Please let the doctor help you find a solution without much sass or fighting it! /lh
“I’ll be as sassy as I want,” Blue mutters. Dr. Bowlan has talked him through every aspect of his feelings that he’s willing to talk about - so a whole five minutes of discussion - and he’s ready to go.
“What’s that?”
“Nothing.”
“Matti, I think it might be a good idea to try some antidepressants and see how those go. I need to see you again next week and you need to take them every day. The truth is that medication really works best in conjunction with therapy. You could get into the same place as your brother if you would like…”
He listens to him drone on about therapy. He just wants to take the pills and go. Finally, he receives a prescription, and, with a mumbled thank you, he’s gone again. Chase beams at him from the waiting room, but Blue just sweeps past.
Anonymous asked:
I'm so proud of you for going to the doctor for help, Blue!
“Yeah, that’s a good first step,” agrees Chase warmly, hastening after his sibling, not sure why Blue is heading for the alley to the back of the building instead of walking back towards the bus stop so they can get him to work on time. “Blue, the bus stop is - ”
“I don’t need your fucking approval!” screams Blue, whirling on you, and it’s then that you see his eyes are blazing blue. “I don’t want to fucking talk about it! Just leave me the fuck alone, everyone, shut the fuck up, I don’t care!”
Chase leaps back, shocked, as the ground beneath his feet grows hot even through his new shoes. Fire crackles in Blue’s hands.
“Don’t send me another fucking question or another goddamn condescending congratulations or I’m going to - ”
He spins around again, seething through his teeth as his power makes his body shake. He needs to shut the fuck up before he says worse.
“Blue,” begins Chase, and Blue hears the shake in his voice. “You can’t be using magic in the city - there’s magicians, Jackie said - ”
“Just give me a minute!” he howls.
Chase cowers back against the wall and goes quiet.
Anonymous asked:
I'm so proud of you for going to the doctor's, Blue. Just remember that you need this help, and it'll be good for you in the long run. You'll make it through, even dealing with annoying doctor visits and your irritability. Be safe and let the doctors help as much as they can. - 🎒
His heartbeat seems to pulse up into his throat and his breaths come fast and shaky. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care. He hates this. All of it. Anger like a swelling of magma. Hot. It hurts his chest. He’s going to be sick. Grips his soft stomach and hates that too. Ugly and breaking down. He spits bile and weeds groan up from the cracks in the cement, twisted and back, dead by the time they’re grown.
He knows he’s scared Chase and he hates that too. His brother is hiding beside a garbage can, peering out at him like he used to peer out his broken window, on watch, hiding. Chase has learned how to live like a rat. Hates it, hates it. Flame up his back. He’s wreathed in his own fire. He glows with it - with the power, with the pain. Anger’s just hurt that doesn’t have anywhere else to go.
“We’re done talking about this,” he says through gritted teeth. “Talk to me again and I’m just going to ignore it. Just leave me alone.”
He draws himself up after long minutes. Chase curls in on himself against the trash cans, eyes big and wary. He reaches out to take Blue’s hand but won’t meet his gaze anymore. Head down, scared of him.
It’s his fault. His chest hurts from how hard his heart is beating.
Anonymous asked:
None of the congratulations were meant as condescending, Marvin. The audience is genuinely proud of you. Not everyone is out to annoy you, man. Chase, don't take anything he says personally, Blue is feeling extreme emotions and what's best right now, like with Jackie going to another room when he gets angry, is to just let him blow off the steam in a safe environment.
Chase glances up at Blue, who just ignores the message and keeps pulling him towards the bus. He wants to open his mouth to say something - I’m proud of you and I know they are too, is that so wrong? Why are you so angry all the time, why won’t you eat what I cook you, why don’t you come hang out with me and cuddle a little like we used to? I wish you would talk to me. Haven’t I been where you are? - but he isn’t going to push his buttons. He’s going to be good. He puts his head back down and keeps walking. Blue’s hand is hot in his own.
Anonymous asked:
Chase, were you scared of Blue just then? Maybe you should express that to him and clarify that you still love him despite it? I think he needs time alone once you get home, so on the bus or in this alley is your shot to talk with him about how he's making you feel.
“I’m sorry, I just lost control of the power, I would never let it hurt you,” Blue tells him in one breath, sitting down on the bus and then going silent again.
Chase chews on his mouth, staring at the silver floor of the bus. Yeah, he was scared. He closes his eyes tight. He knows that heat, Blue’s heat, Blue’s flame. It was somehow different from the hot California sun. He remembers feeling it crackle against his skin, making his hair stand up, making the forest floor stink of smoking plant matter and, when Blue got really angry, smoking flesh. He can see his brother plunging the knife into Anti’s chest. Anti is screaming. Blood and ink splurt across the dirt. He smells copper and flame.
He presses his face into Blue’s shoulder and just hides. He squeezes his palm. I love you. I love you.
Anonymous asked:
Chase, it'll be okay, don't worry horribly. You're already doing good thing with small reminders you love him and being patient with him. Your fear is understandable in the face of anger given who your abuser was, but you braved through it like you always do, fighter. Blue needs lots of help right now, the problem is getting him to tell you all what help he needs.
“Maybe you shouldn’t go to work today,” says Chase. If he won’t tell him what help he needs, he can at least try to look after him. Try not to worry. “We could go for a walk. Have a day off. I want to bake a cake or cookies or something, we could - ”
“I’m fine, amata,” says Blue lowly.
Long silence. The rushing by of the city.
“Would you even be taking the antidepressants if I wasn’t around?” Chase asks miserably.
The bus pulls to a stop outside the library. Blue gets to his feet, turning his back to him.
“If I didn’t have you, I wouldn’t have anything worth taking antidepressants for.”
Anonymous asked:
For Blue: It's okay to mourn the person you could have been. It's okay to be angry or resentful at that lost chance. It's okay to be sad about it too. But i, and your brothers, want you to know that there are so many parts of you, the you that exists right now, that are beautiful and lovely and meaningful. Just because your past is lost doesn't mean your future has to be too. You deserve to heal and work through this raging fire in you until it's protective, comforting fire again. We all believe in you.
He’s just… lost all control.
He’s lost control of himself, lost control of his relationships, lost control of his magic. It’s so much easier to lash out than to admit just how… lost he is.
He doesn’t want to talk about it. He really doesn’t.
Stepping into the library, he settles in behind the front desk, accepts a re-shelving assignment from his boss, and gets to work. At least this is something he can do right - book here, book here, mark the date. But it’s so meaningless. He doesn’t know how Jackie gets satisfaction out of just pushing buttons and monitoring the audio.
This isn’t what he was meant to do.
He can sense it, the same way he can sense that this person - this person he’s acting like, this person he’s become - it isn’t who he’s meant to be either.
He doesn’t know how to get that person back.
Maybe he could try changing his jewelry or his shoes or his hair. But it’s so scary to think that maybe, even if he tries everything he possibly can…
The person in the mirror will still not be him.
He re-shelves C.S. Lewis and wipes quietly at his eyes behind the bookshelves.
Chase is chatting to someone on the other side of the library, and it takes Blue a minute to realize that JJ has brought Henrik from home. That’s right, they were going to hang out here today. At least they’re close. His little brothers. He has to keep an eye on them. He has to make sure they’re okay. Even if he only seems to be able to be a jerk around them.
The sound of their voices is the only solace he has. He takes a shuddering breath and gets back to work.
He doesn’t know if he can heal from this. But if it would help them… well, he’ll try.
Anonymous asked:
Blue are there any mirrors in the library? There could be a mirror portal somewhere within that you just don't know the password for?
“I’ve thought about that,” Blue agrees. “I think it’s likely, even. There’s mirrors in the bathrooms and one upstairs in the kids’ section. But I have no idea how to open them even if I knew which one it was. It’s just this feeling that something is here. I wish I knew. I almost feel like I - like I should know.”
But it’s just one more patch of fog in his blank brain. He scowls and tries to stop thinking about it. He wishes he had any past at all to ground himself in.
This is when he notices a head pop over the bookcase he’s shelving.
“Are we talking about magic?” asks JJ cheerily. “I’ll help you look.”
Blue sighs, a little endeared despite himself. “I guess. But how are we going to find the password even if we know the mirror?”
“C'mon, we could at least check things out.”
It feels as hopeless as everything else. Blue mumbles excuses, putting books into their places.
scunneredzombie asked:
You should go with Jamie, have a look around with someone else who has magic understanding! It might be helpful if you teamed up with someone else, Blue.
Blue glances up at JJ, who smiles back at him. Fuck’s sake, he’s a forgiving little man. Blue hopes that’s who he is and not just an abuse response.
“Okay, babe, fine. Lead the way.”
“To the bathroom!”
“What, how are we going to check both?”
“You work here. Just say you’re cleaning it.”
“I’m not a janitor.”
“But I bet you know where the ‘closed for cleaning’ signs are.”
Little shit. Blue rolls his eyes and grins frailly back at him, getting to his feet.
“Come on, then.”
Anonymous asked:
Do either of you know any old Irish sayings/idioms/song verses/poetry? You can use those to take guesses at the mirror password if you think it'd work!
“I’m sure Blue knows plenty of nerdy old poetry,” says JJ.
Blue flicks his ear. “Too much to know what would work. And I think it might be a little suspicious if I just stood around chanting poetry and Irish sayings in the bathroom.”
“It’s not any of these anyway,” says JJ, pushing out the door. “Or the one upstairs. No portals.”
“How do you know?”
“I could feel it if it were.”
“I can’t tell any difference between any of them,” says Blue, frowning.
“With all love, Blue, I’m a little more powerful. But you’re probably just not sensing anything because there’s nothing there to sense. I’m not even sure it’s in this building. Just… near.”
Blue crosses his arms over his chest, annoyed. “I can tell it’s here, alright? I know it is.”
“Well, it’s not like there’s mirrors just standing in the middle of the field where they have the farmer’s market. It’s just grass and that fountain out there.”
JJ shrugs, moving to the window of the library. There’s the field with the fountain pouring down a straight sheet of water, the bus stop, and beyond it, more buildings and streets. It’s a pretty little library in the center of town, old enough to have stood for years and years.
scunneredzombie asked:
Can mirror dimensions be made by using the reflections in water? If the fountain has water come down in straight sheets or has anything particularly glimmery, that might be a place to check!
There’s a pause between the two of them.
And then they’re pushing each other out of the way to race back out the door, darting out to the fountain in the field.
“It’s big enough to walk through.”
“You can see your reflection in it no problem.”
“It goes all day and all night and over the winter I bet the pool at the bottom freezes over and sits.”
They exchange looks. JJ picks up Blue’s hand and sticks it into the stream, his own fingers wrapped around his wrist.
And Blue still doesn’t sense the stronger magic here, and he does not magically remember a password, and he certainly does not pass through the stream to another world, and yet -
There is a faint memory right here.
And he knows he’s stood in this exact spot, and made his way through the water.
“Yeah,” he says quietly. “Yeah, I think this is the place.”
At the top of the fountain, carved in stone, a lapwing bird.
Anonymous asked:
Welcome home again, Magnificent, you've found them!
“Sort of,” says Blue. “If I could actually get through it.”
“We could wait for someone to show up, maybe?”
“I guess I can keep an eye out from the library or something.”
Anonymous asked:
It's a long shot, but maybe try the "I love you, farewell" password that was used on the portal to your house back before Anti? I think it was something like "Te amo, valete". Just a thought!
The recognition of it draws a sudden and brilliant smile to Blue’s mouth and laughter comes bubbling out him, awed.
“Holy shit… that was our password.”
He glances at JJ, who smiles at him.
“We… we hid a mirror in the city, I think, and we… yeah, we had a password, I told Jackie he had to say he loved me before I’d let him leave… it was just a joke, but we say it damn near often enough anyway now, don’t we…”
“I miss that place,” signs JJ softly.
Fuck, but Blue would like to find it again. A home… a real home, just for them.
“Ammo,” he says. “Vale.”
He touches the water, but nothing changes. He blows out a breath. “Well, at least we know ours.”
Anonymous asked:
Are there any Irish poems about birds or lapwings you could try? Or maybe poems or quotes from books, since you're so near the library?
“That’s another next step, maybe,” agrees JJ. “There could be clues in the library. We could go back inside and look, if you’re not, like, remembering anything.”
Blue stares up at the fountain, wishing it could all come back to him. Not just magic but… everything. Like it would fill up some missing piece inside him. Lapwings… he doesn’t know anything about them except that they have to do with the magicians, and that he must have been attached enough to have one inked onto him. He thinks he knows some bird poems, though?
“Hope is the thing with feathers,” he offers softly, but nothing happens. But Dickinson wasn’t Irish anyhow. Maybe he could find some Irish poems or sayings or songs about birds.
scunneredzombie asked:
Yes, I knew it! You guys found it, good job! Now to go about finding the password... Any other memories surfacing, Blue?
“Yeah, that would be convenient,” sighs Blue. “A good old flashback and then we can hop right over to Hogwarts.”
He touches the water again, sighing at the coolness. “A password, huh? Wait, we had a mirror dimension for the five of us. How did you get in and out?”
“You made it work for me,” answers JJ gently. “Doesn’t have to be spoken aloud.”
“What did we do instead? A sign?”
“Yeah, a sign.”
“So it could be any words or any hand motion or anything,” grumbles Blue.
“Or even images. I’ve heard it can be images.”
“Great. Narrows it down.”
“Might be easier to meet some magicians.”
“Well, they won’t show themselves, will they? I’ve been using magic to make roses for weeks now. They don’t seem to have even noticed.”
“You could do something really grand.”
“Yeah, and then they could come try and take us away like you said those British magicians did.” He pulls away from the water, dejected. “They could be just as bad as the British ones. And they told you the Irish magicians had stopped answering them anyway, right? That they’re probably gone? That’s probably it.”
It’s bitter and painful in his chest and he doesn’t even know why.
“The Irish magicians are gone. Even if we could get through, there would be nothing to find.”
“You don’t know that.”
He gives JJ a dark look, feeling himself sinking back down into the mud he’s been stuck in.
“What, you’re hopeful now? Not drowning in your own despair anymore? Guess once the moment of need is over you’re finally ready to poke your head out of your shell and try things for once.”
JJ’s face flashes with anger, and he lifts his hands to shoot back a reply, and then -
Something scared in his face.
He wraps his arms around himself, his eyebrows furrowing with confusion, his mouth going taut, slightly open, slightly unsure -
“Honey,” says Blue, suddenly unnerved.
JJ stares at the world around him, eyes huge, blinking at the sun and the grass.
“Outside,” he signs weakly. “Outside, I’m not - I’m not allowed, I’m supposed to be - ”
Blue grabs his shoulders, trying to steady him. “Dap, stay with me. Hey. You’re fine. I’m sorry, I just…”
“I’m in trouble.” His air is coming faster now, his eyes fixed dangerously on the sun. Blue grabs his chin to pull his gaze away before he blinds himself. “My room. Hurts me, throws me down the stairs. Brat.”
JJ grabs his throat, coughing and pulling at his neck like there’s something wrapped around it, shaking his head.
“Shit, shit, shit.” Blue swears rapidly at himself and wraps an arm firmly around JJ’s shoulders, pulling him hurriedly back towards the library. “I’m sorry, I’m here. I didn’t need to say that, I just… I didn’t need to say that. Come on, we’re okay.”
Anonymous asked:
Jameson, are you okay?? What triggered you, love? You're not a brat, and you're free now, free to leave the room whenever you want. Anti is dead. You're not a prisoner anymore.
“Yeah, you’re good, you’re good,” murmurs Blue, tugging him into the doors of the library and pulling him behind the desk, just grateful that his coworker is upstairs. For all that he gets after him, he knows exactly what JJ wants to do right now - squeeze into a tight space and hide. Which is exactly what he does, hunkering down beneath the computer desk and curling up like a hedgehog, panting.
“Blue? What’s going on?”
“Chase, he just - we went outside and I kind of said something that maybe - but I think it was mostly just being outside, you know, just the sun and everything, I just gave him a little sass for not helping with Anti and - he just - ”
Horrified, Chase races around the desk and falls to his knees beside his brother. “JJ. You’re okay! Fuck, Blue, you two were outside for ten minutes and this - ”
“It wasn’t my fault!”
“What did you say?”
“Just that he didn’t used to try and do stuff, you know, that he would just sit in his room all hopeless.”
“You’re unbelievable,” snaps Chase. He leans closer to wrap himself around JJ, hugging him close.
Blue rears back, pierced. What, Chase is mad? Chase is never mad. Defensive, sure, or scared, or tired, yes, but not mad. That isn’t something that happens.
“Amata, he has a million and one triggers. I was a little short with him, but he just has trouble being outside. You’re just going to pick him over - ”
“Just get out of here, Blue! JJ, can you talk to me? What was it, Jay, what was it? I swear, you and Jackie act like you’re the only ones who are big brothers sometimes! Well, I got people I’m supposed to protect too. And you’re being an ass.”
Blue stares at him, mouth open. Chase doesn’t talk to him like this.
“I’m taking him and Henrik away the second he’s calm,” says Chase, ignoring his gaze, his mouth set stubbornly even though his voice shakes and stammers more than usual, his eyes pricked with tears. “I love you so much but you just keep - you just keep - ugh! If you’re going to treat us this way then maybe you should just leave us alone!”
Blue…
Blue can’t even answer.
He turns away, then turns back. Turns away, turns back.
“You guys were going to hang out here with me today,” he offers lamely.
Where he can hear them. Where he can watch over them.
“We’re going away,” repeats Chase quietly.
He closes his eyes and wraps himself tighter around Jameson, their heads pressed together.
Anonymous asked:
Blue I know you don't want any positive praise or encouragement thrown your way. Maybe you only know the reason but maybe you've just wrapped yourself in cynicism so tightly that you have to push everything out to an arms distance, so you either sit and stew in your own negative emotions, or when you do open up, all that bitterness seeps out and you've proven your cynicism right when things boil over. The world is screwed up, and it's hard to admit that you're screwed up too. It's even harder when you feel like you're asking the same screwed up world for help of all things, but your pride and your cynicism aren't the same thing. You need your pride restored, you need your cynical self dialed back. I hope therapy helps you. I hope the antidepressants don't cause you any grief. I hope YOU believe you can dare to hope again.
Our well-wishes may seem sappy and overly sentimental, but they come from a place of sincerity. The fact is, we don't know how else to help you. We're lost. You're lost. We're all getting redirected in circles but you're going to find a path for yourself. And we'll still be along with you the whole way through.
Blue sits down numbly in one of the big green reading chairs by the window upstairs.
He reads from the corner of his eyes, trying to ignore you, his tongue wetting his mouth. He pulls on his hair and hunches over himself, feeling sick to his stomach again. All the time. It’s his anxiety. Hurts his tummy.
Now he’s made Chase mad.
Chase - Chase wrapped around JJ - picking JJ - wrapped around JJ’s little finger just like Anti was - lying in bed and the two of them are looking at each other, helpless - he feels his arms wrap around JJ and he knows from the way he squirms that he does not like it, but all Anti does is laugh, and Blue can’t do anything about it, can’t make it stop -
He shudders. Cynicism. That’s what it is. He’s lost some ability he used to have. He doesn’t know how to get it back. All that’s left are scars.
A hand on his own pulls him back from his head again. Blue looks up quickly. Maybe Chase came to find him and apologize. To be his cozy little amata again.
But it’s not Chase.
“What’s the matter, sweetheart?” rasps Blue, swallowing as he tries to put his front of calm back up. “You okay?”
Henrik gazes at him, head tilting slightly. He reaches up and cups Blue’s face. Blue laughs weakly and reaches down to hold the back of his head in return, stroking his fingers through his hair.
“What, are you worried?”
Henrik blinks at him, fingers playing against Blue’s palm.
“Can I have a kiss, then, if you’re worried?” asks Blue boldly, pinching his ear.
Henrik’s mouth thins, his eyes soft.
And then he lifts up and gives Blue a kiss on the side of his temple, scratching his beard for a second. He gets up and turns, and before Blue can say anything, Chase is appearing on the top of the stairs, pale but calm again.
“We’re going to go now,” he says quietly. “JJ just blanked out for a second. He’s fine.”
Blue looks away, sulking. Whatever. Of course he’s fine. What a baby. And now Chase is all on his side. Right away even. Fine, whatever.
“Your shift’s done at six?”
“Yes,” he says shortly.
Chase nods, shifting on his feet, and reaches out for Henrik, who turns to go with him.
“Take the camera with you,” says Blue, pushing your camcorder towards him. “I don’t fucking need it.”
Chase stares at him for a second, mouth pursed. Then he takes the camcorder. He’s pretty sure Jackie hid an emergency GoPro in Blue’s book bag anyway, but it hardly matters.
“Bye,” he says. “Love you.”
Blue glares out the window, simmering. Chase sees leaves budding from inside his clutched fists.
Chase turns unhappily to walk away.
“Love you too,” you hear Blue whisper, and then he’s out of your sight and your hearing.
Stewing in his own negativity, closed off and alone.
Anonymous asked:
Blue, escaping the life with Anti was never going to be a clean ending. I wish you guys could have had a clean slate to build your new lives off of, or at least revert to how things were before, but the fact is, life's not like that. It doesn't matter that you don't want to hear that change takes time, or that you need professional help, or that you can't take care of your family while neglecting yourself: all those things are true.
You can either dig your heels into the ground and insist on drowning in your own self-hatred, or you can admit that you're scared, and accept some help to leave some of that behind you, even if it's just a little. You don't have to pretend to be Marvin, you don't have to continue as Blue. But you need to let go of some of the stubbornness of each identity to move on and become whoever you feel that you are or who you can be.
Whatever the case, we can't force your decision but at least THINK on what we're saying before blindly rejecting it. We care about you, even if you sometimes don't.
It was never going to be clean.
Chase cries in the pews of the Jewish building - he doesn’t know if it’s a synagogue or a temple or just a communal place - where he’s wanted to take Henrik for weeks now. He didn’t plan to be crying when he imagined it, of course. But it was never going to be clean.
It was always going to be Jackie’s screaming in the middle of the night and an ugly burn on Chase’s hand. It was always going to be JJ talking to a monster who is no longer there and a blank stare in Henrik’s face. It was always going to be Blue’s fury and a bottle of antidepressants.
“I wish he had taken Dok and run like he said he would,” he sobs into JJ’s shirt. “That first night he tried to run. In Norway. We were in Norway? I just remember him trying to take Dok and go. I wish he had escaped that night. Then the two of them would still be okay. Not like this. Not like this, this isn’t right, it’s not how it’s supposed to be. At least they could have gotten away. But he stayed for us, I remember, I remember that much. The beach… we were on the beach… I don’t know how long ago. Just not like this.”
He’s the only sound in the whole of the little building. It’s not the most impressive religious building Chase has ever seen. There’s an open area with some fold-up metal chairs and plastic tables and a rickety old piano, and then a partition before the area with the pews and the set-up in the front. The sign on the door says the building is open to visitors but warns that there are always cameras watching, and services are Saturday at six with a community dinner afterwards, thank you very much. It smells like styrofoam and Pinesol. JJ holds Chase in the pews, hugging him wearily. Henrik stands in the corner of the building, tracing his fingers over a glass box holding a huge scroll inside.
“Blue just needs some time,” offers JJ, trying to pull away enough to sign clearly, though Chase refuses to let him go. “Henrik too.”
“He’s so unhappy,” cries Chase. “I hate it, I hate this.”
It was never going to be clean. It was always going to be ugly as fuck and messy and miserable.
Fuck, even if they were still with Anti, things would be even worse.
“He was going to cut my voicebox out,” weeps Chase, stammering so hard he’s not sure JJ can understand him. “Didn’t he say that? He kept touching my throat. Said I didn’t need it cause we can all sign. I didn’t need to talk to anybody but you and him. We were going to be pets. He would have killed the others. It took me too long. It took me so long. If I had fought sooner, they wouldn’t be like this. Still messed up, yeah, but not this much. Not this bad. I should have fought for all of you sooner.”
He lets it come pouring out. The ugliness. If Blue won’t express it, he will.
It was never, never, never going to be anything other than this. Because “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is bullshit and all Anti did was hurt them. Now they have to come clawing their way back out of the traps he laid in their heads. Maybe they’ll be a little stronger, in some ways, but they’ll also be scarred up and vigilant. It’s traumatic in the same way grief is - it never really stops hurting. You just learn to deal with it better. Every day, if you can, you learn to deal with it better. But some days you just go falling back into the abyss, and you have to start climbing again.
He kisses JJ’s head fervently, one time, two times, again, because he needs to, because he loves him, because he’s sorry. JJ lets him. He smooths tears from his face and just holds him, for a long time.
Someone’s playing Clair de Lune in the other room. Chase covers his mouth, realizing he’s been too loud. Maybe they won’t judge. Not in a place like this.
Long, deep breaths. Long, deep gasps for air. He starts to calm down again. Jamie smells different than he used to. Different than Dapper, who usually smelled like chalk and old mattresses and copper. JJ smells like green apple detergent and coconut shampoo.
“Sorry,” mumbles Chase, realizing he’s gotten snot all over his new shirt, and JJ just shakes his head and presses their cheeks together, rubbing on him like a cat for a second.
“Do you think he’s thinking about it?” asks Chase, sniffling. “About whether he’s going to get some help or not? About if he’s going to be able to get past this?”
JJ nods. Chase nods back, headachey from his crying, and squeezes JJ’s ribs.
“Don’t know how to make it better,” he confesses weakly.
JJ draws away to sign, wiping more of his brother’s tears away as he goes. “It’s not your job to make it better,” he says. “If there’s anything you can do for him, he needs to let you know. But it’s not your job to keep anyone happy. Not anymore. Just you. Just work on making you happy.”
“But I want you all to be happy.”
Jameson grins and draws him back into a hug.
“Together. We’ll work on it together. It won’t be pretty… won’t be clean. But we keep working on it.”
Anonymous asked:
It's not your fault Chase. Don't put the weight of it all on your own shoulders, you'll tear yourself apart. You need to be focused on your own and Henrik's healing most of all right now. Blue is going through a lot, but it's completely reasonable to want to have space from him with how cruel and snappy he's being lately. It's not your job to fix everything. There are a lot of things for all of you to deal with individually, and you mustn't let one of you take on all the responsibility.
“You got too used to it,” signs JJ.
“To what?”
“Trying to make him happy.” JJ looks down at his hands. “Once he got sick of me. You would try to cheer him up or distract him so he wouldn’t come after the rest of us.”
“Did I?” He wipes at his face. “I don’t remember.”
“You were always trying to keep us all safe.” JJ leans against him, looking up at the ark. “We all tried to look out for each other when we could. But now… well, nobody’s being tortured, Chase. Nobody’s dying. We can prioritize ourselves instead of spending all our time worried about one of us being in literal imminent danger.”
“What if he is in danger?” asks Chase miserably. “With himself.”
“Then he needs to start expressing that so we can help,” JJ answers. “In the meantime, we have to look after ourselves, and if we get extra time or energy we’ll try to help each other. And all of us can help look after Henrik until he’s a little more… conscious.”
“He’s my responsibility,” protests Chase.
“We can all help, Chase. Even with him, you can take a break if you need one. We can all look after him. Which, uh, does beg the question… where did he go?”
Chase turns around. His brother is no longer standing by the Torah.
“Shit!”
Anonymous asked:
Uh oh, Doktor on the run! Maybe he went to where the music was coming from?
Chase scrambles to his feet and hurries back to the community area of the building, almost tripping over his feet as he goes. Shit, then he’s probably encountered the person playing the piano, and they’ve probably tried to engage with him, and he’s probably just stared at them, and then they could be mean to him, or think he’s an intruder, or yell at him, or -
But there’s just one person in the room.
Chase stills in the doorway of the partition, staring.
Henrik plays Clair de Lune perfectly, relaxed on the stool of the piano, his fingers drifting easily across the keys.
Anonymous asked:
Woah, Henrik knows piano? Even after so long without playing he can do it perfectly, that's amazing.
“Yeah,” says Chase frailly. “He, uh. He’s a genius. Always was. Even Anti would say that. But I didn’t know he played. I guess I forgot.”
Soft laughter from the piano. Henrik’s laughter.
Chase is frozen, staring at him. Henrik glances back at him and Jameson. His mouth smiles. His eyes are clear.
“Come here,” he signs with a free hand, beckoning. “Come over here.”
Anonymous asked:
Wh- Is Henrik back??! ;0;
Chase steps up to him, letting his hand come down on his shoulder, grounding himself there at his brother’s back. Henrik plays with one hand and reaches up to pull him to sit beside him with the other. He takes Chase’s hands and positions them on the piano.
“Do you remember the scales we were working on?” he asks.
He says it like it’s so normal that it makes Chase jolt on the stool. His voice… his voice like nothing has changed.
“Dok,” he whispers.
“Show me, then, come,” says Henrik, tapping his fingers on top of Chase’s.
“No, I… I don’t remember. Did we used to play?”
“You do not practice while I am at work! You will never learn.”
He’s teasing him. He’s playful.
“Dok, look at me,” begs Chase, pulling his gaze.
And he does. He just - he does. He looks at him.
“What?” asks Henrik, and then, when Chase does not answer: “Something is the matter?”
“Dok, do you know what’s going on? Do you know where we are?”
“Yes?” Henrik’s staring at him like he’s the crazy one. “Yes, home, in the living room. Are you alright? You have not been drinking?”
The warm sun is coming through the window of their house - Henrik can feel it on his face. It’s fall and the leaves of the trees are orange in the forest outside. Queenie leaps up onto the back of the piano and mewls at him.
“Bad girl, get down,” he scolds. “Jamie, are you making coffee? Will you get me a cup?”
Jameson comes up behind him and gives him a hug around his shoulders. Unexpected, but he does not mind. He is new to their family but he already fits right in.
He’s safe and things are good. He breathes out a low, satisfied hum. All is well in the world.
Anonymous asked:
Oh, uh.... Chase, JJ, do you guys know whether you should go along with him or try to bring him to the present time? He seems alright at least
“This could be him waking up,” says Chase, reaching out to cup Henrik’s face. “Dok, Henrik, it’s me, it’s Trick. Chase. We’re in Ireland. We got away from Anti, we’re safe! You can come back to me.”
“Chase,” JJ interrupts. “He’s not in any distress. Why don’t we just take it easy and see if he’ll come back to himself gently? This means he feels safe. It’s a good first step.”
“I want to talk to him.” Chase squeezes Henrik’s hand, pulling him away from the piano. “Deutsch, it’s me. He’s gone.”
“What is happening?” asks Henrik, eyes darkening. “Why are you talking like this? What’s wrong?”
scunneredzombie asked:
Chase, remember after his shutdowns sometimes Henrik would think he was existing back before Anti or he would forget where he was/who he was? This might be a more extreme version of that. Let him come around slowly.
Chase glances at the camera, his mouth tightening, but he gives a small nod, blinking. He looks back at Henrik and Henrik stares at him, obviously confused. Henrik glances around the room, seeming to take in the brick walls and the camera in Chase’s bag for the first time, and Chase sees his eyes start to glaze -
“Schneep,” he says quickly, taking his hand. “Show me how to do the scales again. I’m paying attention now.”
Henrik looks at the piano and settles down again, shooting Chase a look. “You never learn,” he teases. “Okay, set your fingers here…”
Chase lets his brother arrange his fingers. He wishes Henrik were all the way here, yes. But he thinks you’re probably right, and he just needs to be patient, and be glad to have this part of him.
Talking! He’s talking! His heart lifts and he smiles as Henrik starts showing him how to play the scale, chattering at him while Jameson stands beside them, watching along.
“How often do you play, Henrik?”
“You know I’m out here often,” he murmurs back, his free hand beginning a melody on the right side of the piano. “Even at night, after a long shift. But I try to be quiet then. Of course sometimes my more nocturnal brothers join me.”
He clucks JJ’s chin, pinching his beard.
“Are you happy?” asks Chase wistfully.
Henrik grins at him oddly. “What’s gotten into you? Things are good, my friend. What is happiness if not peace and a place in the world where you are loved.”
Beethoven down the keys of the piano, easy and affectionate.
Anonymous asked:
Henrik, how often do you play? Do you know Hava Nagila??
“Oh, boy, how Jewish am I?” snickers Henrik. “Hava Nagila, hava…”
He plays the first few lines and breaks down laughing, shaking his head. “What, I’m Jewish so I know Hava Nagila? Okay, yes, fine, I do. But I know everything. Because I’m smarter than everyone. Checkmate.”
Anonymous asked:
Hava Nagila is just my favourtie old tune haha! Of course you knew it though, no one is smarter then Henrik von Schneeplestein
“Yes, that’s true. You are not only correct but you also have good taste in music.”
Anonymous asked:
Is Henrik... back? Has he woken up? It seems at least part of him has!
Watching Henrik switch through a variety of songs - mostly at JJ’s request, Chase feels a little bit better. Here’s a part of him. Here’s… him, just a little lost. And aren’t they all?
Chase has been thinking more about Dok than Henrik for a long time now. But Henrik isn’t so different than his Dok that it makes any difference, it seems. Henrik is just a more egotistical, less scared, happier Dok. Chase snickers as Henrik melds two songs together within five seconds of JJ’s request and then congratulates his own intelligence. Isn’t this what he’s supposed to be like? Isn’t this what safety looks like on him?
He doesn’t mind. If Henrik is a little confused, he doesn’t mind.
It’s still him.
Anonymous asked:
Anti always said that you were just a more anxious Chase and he was just a quieter Henrik... Maybe you guys didn't change so much after all, hm.
Chase tentatively plays along as Henrik shows him Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star. “Maybe we didn’t. Are we good friends, Henrik?”
“Course we are. Who else help you look after the children and pick you up from the party when you are dumb enough to go somewhere there is probably beer? And then you must cook me cheesecake as payment, is only fair.”
“Ah, is that what you like?”
“It’s what I demand.”
Chase laughs. He wonders how Blue and Red and Dapper can seem so different to who they used to be while Henrik doesn’t feel so different from Dok at all. Maybe they just… had each other to hold onto for longer. Someone who always knew that secret name - that secret person they used to be. They never had to be alone.
Chase and Henrik play a timid lullaby, laughing over the keys of the piano.
Anonymous asked:
Do you have any memories of where you are, Schneep..? Would you still feel okay if we told you you're not at home?
“Of where I am?”
Queenie meows at him from the couch. He glances over, but she isn’t there. The house is cool for a moment, and then growing warmer.
Henrik blinks. Looks around.
Something not quite right.
A smell of smoke in the air.
Where’s your hero now? Where’s Jack to save you and your little time traveler now? I’ll burn everything you love to the fucking ground. Just try to run, I’ll find you anywhere. I’ll stalk you til you collapse at my feet.
Henrik stares. A fire has caught along the edges of the door of their home. Outside, the trees are burning.
Chase grabs his shoulders, speaking to him, though Henrik cannot make out the words. He lays his head down on Chase’s shoulder almost on instinct, staring as everything around him begins to change. He hears the cat scream. His head hurts.
“Oh,” he murmurs, as Chase’s hand rises to touch his cheek. “Oh, who did this to you? Why did you not call me?”
He examines Chase’s hand. There is a marred, puckered section of skin, burned badly, maybe down to the bone. Henrik feels sorrow and then fear. He can hear Chase crying. He closes his eyes. He needs to hide. He needs to - needs to go away, needs to - survive this somehow, survive this somehow…
“Oh, I am going to have so much fun with you,” a dark voice growls. “We’re done. You’re useless to me. And that means I’m finally going to slaughter one of you little fucking bastards like I should have done a long time ago.”
“Anti - Anti, n-no more, no more… I want my brothers, I want…”
“No cameras, Dok, no siblings, and no more fucking pretending. I’ll show you just how much of a monster I really am. Just you, me, and a length of barbed wire. I’ve heard that Jews believe you die twice - once when your body gives out and one when everyone forgets you. I’ll be the one who kills you both times, Henrik.”
A line of wire clatters across the floor.
“That’s a promise.”
scunneredzombie asked:
Henrik, stay calm. Anti is dead. Anti is dead and you're free. You have a home with all of your brothers again, an apartment where you all live safely. You have Noodle and Chase and all your siblings who love you and regret not being there to protect you. You are safe and loved still, even if you aren't in the mirror portal you remember.
Henrik doesn’t shake or cry out as his memories swallow him up.
“Dok,” calls Chase, holding his shoulders tight. “Look at me, stay with me. You’re okay. I promise. We been looking after you. It’s okay now. It’s okay.”
His head just sinks down until his chin hits his chest, his eyes sliding shut and his posture curling, like he can hide himself from everything in the world. Chase tries to be gentle with him, tries to ground him at the same time. Soft hands on him. Murmuring to him. Trying not to let him know he’s scared.
After a while, Henrik’s breathing steadies out again. Chase soothes his finger across his chin, trying to draw his gaze, and Schneep looks up at him with big, sorrowful eyes.
Chase sighs and lays his head down on his twin’s shoulder. JJ pecks at the keys of the piano, and after another minute, Henrik takes an interest. He puts a hand out and plays a shy scale, sniffling a little and sitting up, calm again, but silent.
Anonymous asked:
"And just as there is wonder in / every new life created / there is sadness and regret / for the unsaid and unfeted / Just listen for the music / that your ears cannot hear / just strain yourself for the melody / that's so far and yet so near"
Henrik goes back to Clair de Lune, slower now, sweeter.
JJ and Chase sit in silence beside him. When he’s finished, Chase rubs his back until he glances over at him.
“That’s okay, man,” says Chase quietly. “You can just hide a while longer if you need to.”
Henrik gazes at him.
“Ready to go?” Chase asks his brothers, trying not to be sad.
JJ nods. “Maybe if he wakes up in the apartment, he’ll feel safer there. With the cat and your bed and everything.”
“And I can bring him back for services sometime.”
“Yeah.”
“It’ll be okay?”
“Yeah. It’ll all be okay.”
“Okay. Come on.”
immabethehero asked:
You did it! You’re out the woods, I’m so proud of you guys! You deserve to relax and enjoy your peaceful lives.
JJ laughs quietly, watching Chase talk to Henrik quietly on the bus, the pair of them pressed close together.
“Out of the woods… well, the trees get thinner every day, at least. Yes. Let’s go home and relax a little.”
The brothers make a supply run and try to get some things for themselves. It's harder for some of them than others. Masterlist
Tws for self-hatred, past abuse, depression and dissociation, and Marvin snapping at the audience and his brothers. Tws may not be completely exhaustive - keep in mind the heaviness of the fic and look out for yourself.
Thank you to @lehhoh7822 for taking the time to compile this book!
.
There’s thrashing in the bed beside him.
“Rose,” he mumbles. “Shhh.”
“Hey! Hey! I - I - ”
Jackie turns on his side, scraping at the blankets. His leg kicks against Blue’s and he moans.
“Nobody’s there, Jackie,” murmurs Blue, eyes sliding open. He turns to face his sleeping brother, holding the sleeve of his hoodie.
“Don’t, you’re not - good, I can be - good, I…”
Jackie covers his face with his hands, shaking his head. He scratches at his skin. Blue reaches out to pull his fingers away, shaking his shoulder.
“Just a dream, my love.”
“Ow, no, no! I can’t - don’t, fuck, please!”
“Just a dream.”
He’s worn to the bone, but they do this every night. It won’t faze him, not even when Jackie starts screaming, clawing at himself, lasing out wildly in their bed. He squeezes at Jackie’s shoulder once, twice, speaking to him until he jerks awake, grabbing Blue too tight, too tight -
And then relaxing again, tears soaking down his face. Blue never gets used to the way that Jackie always looks so shocked to find himself crying. The water clings to his lashes and drips sideways into his ears and the soft brown hair at the side of his head. His hand clutches Blue’s.
“Just a dream,” Blue whispers, one more time, and he lets Jackie crash into his chest, hiding his wet, snotty face against his shirt, and he squishes his brother’s shaking body so tight, so tight, so tight, right there against his heart, and listens to Jackie trying not to cry.
“My Roser,” he sighs, closing his eyes and laying back. “Here I am.”
It is very late at night.
Lately, it has been the only time that they are not estranged from each other by the canyon that is growing between them.
Blue finds their phone beside the bed. He turns on the white noise of rain and wind through the trees, and even when Jackie falls back to sleep, he does not let him go.
Anonymous asked:
How often is Jackie having nightmares?
“He has nightmares every night,” whispers Blue, stroking his hair, staring up at the ceiling. “Sometimes a couple times a night. Usually he does not just go back to sleep. Usually he goes quiet and shakes against me for a long time, and he can’t answer if you speak to him. On the bad nights he won’t let me or anyone touch him, and he gets out of bed and leaves the apartment. Won’t tell me where he goes. And in the morning he seems fine again, and we don’t talk about it.”
Anonymous asked:
Maybe you should talk about it Blue. You two need to communicate your emotions with each other.
“What is there to talk about?” he sighs. “What will talking do to get rid of the memories?”
Anonymous asked:
Talking doesn't get rid of them, but it can help you cope with and work through them.
Blue closes his eyes, pushing the camera gently away.
“Dapper will be home tomorrow. Ro talks to him better than to me. Now I’m… just going back to bed. He’ll be happy in the morning, fussing over JJ. That’s all that matters.”
nikkilbook asked:
I don’t think “getting rid of the memories” is the point. Once your brain makes a connects with something else, it’s pretty much always there. I think the point is to train your brain into realizing that they are just thought and emotions, and by themselves, I don’t think they can actually harm you. The harm is caused by the negative coping skills that you use when your brain has kind of fused with that thought, and all you want is to avoid or eliminate the thoughts and emotions all together. I think the trick is to get your brain to where it can co-oexist with the thoughts at any given time, and a good part of that is letting Jackie communicate what it is that is bothering him. From the bits we’ve seen, a lot of Jackie’s stress is coming from the fact that he doesn’t feel like he understands what you all need and want from him. And he doesn’t know what he wants to be beyond the big brother/protector. He doesn’t have anything to aim at, so all he has at his disposal are coping methods that hook him in and pull him farther away from you and from who Jackieboy Man can be.
Blue’s still thinking about it the next morning.
Jackie all but carries JJ back to their apartment, his head knocked against his younger brother’s the whole bus ride, so pleased he stopped talking entirely on the way home, and JJ - shit, JJ’s good with him these days, JJ’s all loving and soft and everything Jackie needs him to be, while Blue’s just pissy and sharp to the touch. JJ tolerates it all warmly and smiles back every time he catches Ro beaming at him from beneath his hood. Jackie is in the living room re-introducing Noodle to their littlest brother, blabbering now and shoving the cat into JJ’s arms, grabbing and pulling and shouting way too loud the whole time. Chase gives JJ a hug. Blue smiles weakly at him from the corner and wishes he could summon any enthusiasm at all for his little brother’s homecoming now that he’s stabilized.
But he just feels tired.
He supposes this is all about the big brother shit for Jackie. Because this was the goal, right? Getting a place for all of them. Being able to afford things they need. Working hard for them. Bringing JJ home and seeing him smile again.
Jackie’s meeting his goals. Jackie’s proving to himself that he can be a good big brother. And that’s all that he does and all that he works on, all the time.
Blue wonders if Red even cares about them or if this is just something he needs to do for himself. Will he breakdown again now that he’s gotten past one goal? Or will he just keep working and distracting himself until he snaps in half?
He should talk to him about it. He knows he should. He knows, he knows.
But he doesn’t want to.
Doesn’t want any more broken admissions. Any more clarity into how fucked up they are.
Doesn’t want to know what Jackie nightmares about.
Anyway, Dapper is the one making him smile now.
“Hi, Blue,” JJ greets him, stepping towards him.
Blue wraps his arms carefully around him. He wishes he hadn’t come home.
“Hi, baby. Feeling better?”
“Feeling lots better.”
“They said he’s stable and he just has to keep taking his meds and going to appointments and we’ll manage it from there,” says Jackie, rocking on his heels. “But someone else has to make sure he’s taking his meds since they think he stopped taking ‘em last time.”
“I will,” Blue offers immediately, desperate to compensate for his own bitter thoughts. He loves JJ, of course he does. He can’t believe his own irritation lately. He’ll make up for it. “I’ll check in every day.”
He expects JJ to smile all sweet and sappy at him, but instead he glances at him a little askew, something flickering across his eyes. Blue turns away and avoids his gaze.
Dok is sitting at the kitchen table. He looks right at Blue, head tilted.
Fuck, Henrik, I wish you were here like you used to be.
It’s all just the same. It’s all the same, all the time.
Everyone else is getting better. Everyone else is healing and conquering demons. And I’m still just stuck in the same fucked-up thoughts.
It’s all just the same. He doesn’t want to go through it anymore.
Just leave him alone.
Even you don’t deserve his miserable goddamn moods. Go have fun with the others.
Anonymous asked:
JJ is home, hell yeah!! Are you feeling better little man?
“A lot better than I was before, a lot better. I’m really glad to be back. The people at the psych ward were nice and I know I needed some professional help, but uh… I never want to go back there.”
He shakes his head for a second before turning back to the others.
“How about some breakfast, Jay?” offers Chase, setting a plate of eggs down on the table with a big smile.
JJ feels a dizzying sense of deja vu. Chase cooking, Henrik sitting by the window with their cat, Jackie bouncing around the apartment with a booming voice and a red hoodie…
“That sounds nice,” he says.
Lately he feels like he never wants to be alone again. He’d do anything to make them smile. He will be a cheerful, helpful little brother again. No more crazy Dapper. He will handle this and be what they need him to be again. Everyone will want him around and he won’t be a burden anymore so no one will lock him in his room or forget him or hurt him.
“And after breakfast, we’ll go to the store and get everybody some stuff,” continues Chase warmly. “Things are going to be really good from here. Things are going to be really good.”
He wants a hug. He needs a hug. He needs someone to hold him. He shuffles towards Chase and his brother laughs as he squishes up against him. Chase wraps his arms around him and holds him. Things are going to be really good.
Anonymous asked:
Hey Blue, you need to see a therapist anyway, so when you do you should ask them about mood stablizers. It might really help with the anger and switching moods! I take them for anger & mood swings as well, and it really helps you feel more stable and calm. I really think you should give it a try.
For all that he doesn’t want to talk, that… honestly sounds kind of like it might help.
“Blue, come eat,” Chase requests, grinning at him. “Made bacon, eggs, toast.”
“Oh, I’m good, thanks,” he says. “I’m off today so I’m going to sleep in a little. Just got up to say hi to Dap.”
Dapper looks at him a little sideways again, though his mouth smiles politely.
“But you could get something to eat real quick and then sleep,” suggests Chase hesitantly. His eyes run over Blue’s body. It makes his skin crawl.
“It looks great, amata, thank you, but I’m just going to get some sleep.”
He trudges back to his bedroom. Jackie just watches him go, chewing on a piece of bread with peanut butter. Chase’s face falls, but he sits down and tries to shake it off. He’ll feed him in a couple hours when he’s up, then.
Anonymous asked:
Welcome home JJ!! How are you feeling? Excited to see everyone again? (They could really use your brains and clarity right now, be prepared for some stressed out big brothers ^^;)
“I feel good today. Tell me about you guys,” signs JJ before picking up a fork and taking a nibble of his eggs and cheese. “Why stressed?”
“Stressed? Nobody’s stressed. Things are good!”
“Jackie, come sit down and eat.” Chase pats the chair beside him in between loading up Henrik’s plate.
Jackie sits obediently. But he can’t sit still. He gets up again and stands beside JJ, grabbing his shoulders. JJ looks up at him, amused, and Jackie shakes him a little, grinning.
“What have you been up to, Jackie?”
“Working. It’s good. The girls - dancers. Really good. And I’m strong again.”
“You’ve been running.”
“Yeah.”
“Will you come shopping with us today?”
“Oh, no. Today’s the first day of full recital. So I will finally know how it ends. I’m going to watch the whole thing. And then I’ll have more money for you.”
“When will I see you then?”
Jackie frowns, squirming. “Well. I don’t work in the mornings.”
“Don’t take so many shifts,” says JJ, patting his gloved hands. “They won’t let you work too much anyhow. We’ll go do something fun together.”
That doesn’t sound so bad. Jackie nods. When JJ tugs him down to sit beside him, he stays sitting and grabs the bacon.
Anonymous asked:
"No, Time, thou shalt not boast that I do change: Thy pyramids built up with newer might To me are nothing novel, nothing strange; They are but dressings of a former sight...."
“Speaking of former sight,” says Jackie as Chase gets up to wash the dishes. “When you say you’re feeling good - how good?”
JJ gives him a skeptical look. “What are you asking?”
“Well, if I needed your help for something… would you be up for it?”
JJ blinks.
“I want to go back in time is what I’m saying.”
“Oh. I don’t know. Lots of energy.”
“It’s no big deal if you’re not up for it. But maybe try something small and let me know how it goes?”
“Okay, Jackie, you got it.”
“There’s my little man. Eat up, skinny.”
JJ steals the bacon off Jackie’s plate.
“Hey! Not like that!”
They end up half-wrestling over the bacon, laughing and pushing each other at their cheap apartment table.
scunneredzombie asked:
What are you planning Mr. Jackieboy? Getting up to some trouble?
“Me? Getting into trouble? I would never.”
He scoops up a mouthful of eggs. “Just gotta find some answers. Guess you’ll have to wait and see. Okay, I’m heading to work.”
He gets up to give his plate to Chase, throwing his backpack over his shoulders. “I’ll be home late, but let me know if you need me. Bye!”
“Bye,” calls Chase. “Always in a hurry.”
Anonymous asked:
JJ, Jackie is in this mindset where he thinks he has to be the perfect big brother. Just like you wanting to be a perfect little brother. But neither of you need to do that, just be yourself okay? You won't be cast out or locked up if you do something bad. Anti is gone and none of you would treat each other that way. Don't try to be perfect, it'll only be a straw on the camel's back.
JJ sighs and sets his head in his hand as he finishes up his breakfast. “Right.”
“How is it?”
“The food? Really good, Chase.”
“Good,” says Chase, a look of relief flashing across his face before he goes back to a genial smile.
“Lots of inferiority issues around here,” admits JJ. “Do you think it comes from the threats of torture if we messed up or just the inability to ever make him happy?”
Chase snorts. “A little of this, a little of that… get ready and we’ll go shopping here in a minute, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Hey… you know you were only in that place because we thought it would be good for you. We were never going to just leave you there.”
JJ smiles weakly and picks at his food. “Right… right.”
“Is that - is that something he told you?”
JJ doesn’t look up for a while.
“He just said I would never be stable without him. Without his help. That I would have just spent the rest of my life locked up somewhere. I don’t know. We’ll see.”
“Well, you’ve got our help, okay? You’re going to stay here with us.”
“Yes… thanks.”
Anonymous asked:
Hey Jackie, you definitely don't remember this but ah... Happy birthday big man
“Oh.”
He’s on the pavement, in his hoodie, the wind shifting through his hair. He has not known his birthday date for more than a year. Anti never told him.
He wants Max suddenly and powerfully.
“Is, um… did you tell Blue it’s our birthday? Maybe Chase can get him something nice at the store.”
It’s his birthday. He pauses beneath the shade of a nearby awning, staring out at the world.
He doesn’t even know how old he is.
Anonymous asked:
Actually Jackie... Blue's birthday is August 11th. You guys aren't bio twins. "Twins" was part of Anti's brother system, remember?
“Oh, yeah,” mutters Jackie, pushing into his sound booth. “Cause we’re not real twins.”
scunneredzombie asked:
Marvin described how he remembered you, JJ, during those first days. He saw a man as sharp as a knife but infinitely kinder. Talented, passionate, clever gentle Jameson picking up new hobbies every day, gardening and picking up jobs, unpredictable until you needed him, at which point JJ could appear like a friendly ghost to check on you. You still are that man, and I believe you can be fully again. You have your family back, and now you are free.
Chase leads JJ to his room at the back of the apartment, across from Jackie and Blue’s. He pushes the door open for him, gives him a grin, and says something about getting dressed before leaving JJ to settle in.
The room is bare but for a mirror on the back wall, a gym bag holding all his possessions in the world, and a pair of blankets laid out for him as a bed.
He steps up to the mirror.
He thinks he looks older than he did a month ago. He’s in a shirt that doesn’t fit him, some tattered sweatpants, and a pair of sneakers given to him at the hospital, blue and white. His hair curls into his eyes. He is twenty-five years old by his own estimation. His bear sits on top of his gym bag. It doesn’t speak to him today, or not loudly, anyway. It does not control or command him. He picks it up and takes a deep breath of its fur. To him, it still smells like the dusty warm mountain and the bed he shared with Anti.
There’s a part of him that still sees a version of Anti that was never real. Maybe he could be here somehow, if he were just gentler, if he were less egotistical, if he could have understood that they might have stayed with him if he only loved them a little better. He would throw himself down on the blankets and grumble that the apartment sucks and they should go back to being hitmen and making some real money. But then he would go to the store with them and pick out clothes and snacks, mumbling insults about other people under his breath just to make JJ and Chase laugh. He would walk with his hands in his pockets and he’d squabble with Henrik and Marvin until somebody ended up tussling on the floor of the apartment. Later, JJ would find him quiet and still, gazing out at the world with his endless eyes, and he could come up to his monster, and put his head gently on his shoulder, and Anti would close his eyes and hold his hand, just for a second, in silence.
But that wasn’t real and it never could be. JJ knows because he tried longer than anyone to find the love in his twin.
JJ steps back from the mirror, scraping his hand through his hair. Fuck, but he’s tired already, and he’s only been home for an hour.
Home. That is good to say. Those other places were stopping points. You don’t have a home until you have a family to share it, and JJ is so glad to finally feel that he is, in fact, beginning to be a part of that. The way they used to.
He’s been a lot of things in his life. They all have. He glances back at Blue’s door behind him, imagining Marvin instead of Blue – upright, cool-eyed, smiling dangerously, beautiful and all too aware of it. Cocky, proud, adventurous Marvin. JJ has a vague memory of a sorcerer racing down the street with flame in his hand, shouting in gleeful mockery at an enemy he can no longer remember, and JJ is there with him, running close behind, his eyes alight.
They’ve both changed.
But there are some things he still wants to be.
Kind… gentle… clever, loving.
He wants to find those pieces of himself again.
He touches his fingers against the mirror.
“JJ,” he signs to himself. “Jameson.”
scunneredzombie asked:
Chase, a reminder: You fought corruption so hard that even Anti was confused. Even with that muzzle on you you knew he was a snake in your rabbits' den. You are powerful. You're stronger than you believe, braver than you know. You only broke when given a promise of family. Blue was right too, you /love/. You are full of it to the brim. Don't let their struggles dishearten you, they have your love and a strong little brother always caring for them. You are worth of being trusted with the money and care of your family, because you are much more than a replacement or a pet to the others. You are the family that holds them together, with your strength and your love. You deserve the family you have always wanted. You deserve peace and rest, brave soldier.
“Blue, hey. We’re going to the store now, come on!”
Blue groans sleepily and covers his head with the blankets. Chase gazes down at him with a worried smile on his mouth. He strokes his back through the covers for a second before leaving him to wake up.
Returning to his room, he finds Henrik once again perched by the window with Noodle and his caterpillar, watching their cat bat at a bug outside the glass. Henrik is curled in on himself small, but his face is calm and satisfied, his glasses fallen down on his nose, comfy in a t-shirt and football shorts.
“Let’s get changed into clothes, okay?” Chase touches his shoulder and carefully draws his gaze to him by pressing on his cheek. “Get dressed?” He signs it too. “Clothes?”
Henrik rubs at his face. Chase helps him change into a clean t-shirt and, well, clean football shorts. Most of their clothes are loungewear. But that’s why they’re going shopping.
He just wishes Henrik were… awake. Responsive. Whatever.
“We’ll get you out and about a little,” says Chase, rubbing his shoulder. “Change is pace will be good for you.”
He won’t give up on him. Not on any of them. They will always have him. This is his family. He wouldn’t trade it. Not for anything.
Anonymous asked:
Check-in time! How is everyone's emotional state this fine morning? Things have been a bit shaky lately from what I can see. - 🎒
JJ lets his hand fall from the mirror and starts to get ready for the day, letting out a low breath. Okay. Everything’s fine. He’s fine. Things will be good from here. They will be a family again. No stress today, just shopping. Yes. He is medicated and his hallucinations are mild, easily detectable, his paranoia manageable. He is glad to be home. Things will be good. Yes.
Blue rolls over in bed but does not get up. His eyes are open, glazed, staring at the wall. He has not slept in the hour that he has been lying in bed. He has not moved much either. He wants to go back to sleep.
Jackie hauls speakers back to the stage in silence, pausing to let his fingers ghost over the wood. For a second, he pulls himself up to the stage, standing solidly on his feet. He can see the ways the dancers move. He has watched for days. His eyes ate it up and pressed it into memory. He shifts until his heels are pressed together. Tonight he will see how the play ends, and then he will go home. It is his birthday. But not Blue’s. Not Marvin’s.
Chase keeps himself busy, packing a bag for the day, chattering to Henrik as he comes in and out of the room, cleaning up from breakfast. No time to think too hard if you stay busy. He will be a good, responsible brother tonight. He loves them. He will make sure they know.
Henrik sits.
His eyes are calm, gazing out at the world.
Noodle pushes into his chin and purrs, and Henrik presses back against him, his eyes sliding shut.
At first glance, he is silent as he has been for long weeks now.
But if you listen closely, you might catch the brief moment where he leans in close to his cat, and whispers something quiet to the rising morning sun.
Anonymous asked:
Henrik, did you say something?
Chase’s hand touches his shoulder.
“Deutsch?” he asks. “You say something?”
Henrik looks up at him. Big eyes and crooked glasses. He’s silent. Chase chuckles and pushes them back into place. “Okay, come on. Let’s go to the store.”
Anonymous asked:
Shopping time, lads? Some easy going fun will do you lot good! You should look for a mall or shopping centre or something in the area! (If the more antisocial can handle it of course)
“I can handle it,” JJ says. “Just don’t let anybody touch me and I might need breaks sometimes. How does Dok do out and about?”
“He’s good, he’s quiet,” says Chase. “Stays with me unless something distracts him. He’s sometimes scared of people touching him too - or if the wind is too loud or it rains too hard, he doesn’t like that. But clear skies today. Right, bud?”
Henrik sets Noodle down on the floor. The cat chews on his slacks.
“I’ll grab Blue if you’ll get his shoes on?”
“Sure.” Jameson picks up the cheap sneakers and kneels down to help his brother as Chase disappears down the hall.
“Blue? Come on, we’re heading out.”
There’s no answer. Chase pushes the door open and finds his sibling in the same curled up ball of blankets he was before.
“What’s the matter, Blue?” asks Chase. “Not feeling good?”
“No, not feeling good,” mumbles Blue. “Go without me.”
Chase moves over to him, setting a hand on his forehead. He’s cool, but pallid.
“You been so worn down,” he says. “I’ll call the doctor and make you an appointment, okay? Supposed to check on us pretty regularly anyway.”
Blue doesn’t say anything.
Chase gets up and finds the emergency phone beside the bed, slipping out of the room and searching up one of their very few contacts: Dr. Bowlan.
The office manager answers and Chase sets up an appointment for Blue.
“He’s just not himself,” he says. “And he doesn’t feel good.”
“Okay. We’ll get him right in.”
“Thank you.”
Anonymous asked:
Hey Blue, today is Jackie's birthday. Make sure to do something special for him if you can. He wanted to know if we told you so I am.
Blue’s head comes up from beneath the covers.
“His birthday?”
Outside his door, he can hear Chase chattering as his younger brothers get ready and head out, locking up behind them. He’s alone in the apartment. Things are quiet.
He shoves his hair from his eyes and pushes out of bed, throwing on a clean shirt and his shoes before hurrying after the others.
“Chase! Wait, I’m coming.”
“Does anybody else feel like we’re being watched?”
“Oh, stop,” sighs Blue, scruffing at the smooth, sticky floor with the toe of his shoe. “You only say that because the last time we went out together a group of magicians assaulted Red and tried to kidnap him and Dapper had to attack three people at once to protect him. Calm down.”
Chase and Henrik give Blue matching looks of unamusement.
“What?”
“The two of you were also once kidnapped out of the parking lot of a store a lot like this one,” adds JJ helpfully, turning his eyes to the supermarket.
There’s people and people and people around, and then things and things and things. Rows and rows of people and people and things and things, and Chase thinks that maybe Jackie’s decision to let him do the shopping was less about trust and more about the fact that he’d already be hiding under his hood if he were out here with them. He rubs at his face.
“Okay, okay!” he says. “It’s just a fucking store. We’ve got lots of fucking money with Jackie’s check plus my cash from the roses. Let’s get what we need and get some treats and go get lunch and have a good goddamn time.”
They all kind of look at each other, standing in a huddled four-person crowd on the pavement.
“None of us know how to shop, do we?” sighs Chase.
“We’re a really normal family,” says Blue flatly.
Anonymous asked:
You guys should buy some movies and books and boardgames and such, some entertainment and some mindless fun! Maybe try to have Dok pick out a book, see if he will?
“Book section. That’s easy. Come on.”
“I work at a fucking library, we don’t need to buy books!”
“He deserves to own things, Blue! We’re going.”
Blue can’t argue with that. He follows after his brothers as Chase slips into the store and makes his way towards the book section.
It’s weird, Blue thinks, watching the way his little brothers move. He and Jackie were out in public regularly enough, but he didn’t think much til now about just how long the three of them have been resigned to the house. Was the last time JJ was out in public - was that in Norway? Or did Jackie and Max take him places in Colombia? Did they take him anywhere at all in America? Chase moves like he can disappear if he’s quiet enough, unassuming enough, sticks close enough to the wall. He’s not sneaky, exactly, just… timid. Like a cat moving through a crowd of people with a big chunk of stolen chicken in its mouth. Like it shouldn’t be there and someone is about to make sure it knows that, too.
Blue watches Chase all but leap aside to move out of a lady’s way before racing forward again, moving a little too fast. Blue grins wearily, reaching out to take his brother gently by the hood.
“Amata,” he says, looping their hands together. “We’re okay. I was just kidding. We’re fine.”
He slows their pace down and takes up the middle aisle. They walk to the book section. Chase’s heartrate settles beneath his palm.
Anonymous asked:
If you're already overwhelmed about shopping I think you might benefit from having a very straight to the point list of what you need. I'm assuming none of you feel particularly inclined to spend any unnecessary time in that store, so knowing what you're here for might make that whole ordeal go quicker. That's just my own feelings though, maybe you want to take your time perusing your options. It's all up to you
Chase helps Henrik look through books. Blue turns to JJ.
“Help,” he says begrudgingly.
JJ grins.
“You’re sure you want little old me, I don’t know a thing about - ”
“JJ…”
“Haha, okay. Get Jackie’s food staples, he won’t eat much else if he’s not starving. Peanut butter, deli meat, black olives, string cheese.”
“Gross.”
“We stock up on canned fruit, canned meat - ”
“Blegh,” groans Blue. “Are you sure we still have to eat like we’re living in a nuclear apocalypse?”
JJ blinks.
“Look, babe, we can get some fresh food, right? Bread… fruit… vegetables, for once in our lives?”
“Cheap stuff is apples, oranges, bananas,” begins JJ carefully. “Maybe some good sourdough - good for lots of meals, lots of stuff goes on it. Chase would know better… if you ask him to cook, he will pull recipes from his head, I would bet on it.”
“And some fucking snacks. We deserve some goddamn snacks. Oh, fuck, I want - I want sugary-ass cereal. I want cookies that’ll go stale in a day if we don’t eat ‘em. Come on, if you could pick one thing, what would you get to eat?”
“I don’t know. I - Jackie brought me dried apples… and nuts, I love… but nuts are expensive. Cashews, hell.”
“We can get some cashews. We can.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I think so.”
“Okay. And some foods Chase and Henrik want. And that’s good for groceries, right? At least for our first trip?”
“Okay. Yeah.”
scunneredzombie asked:
You've got this boys! Just take it row by row, and follow the signs labeling the rows. Pick out things you like and things people from the cameras recommend you. You'll make it through, you have each other and no one is out to get you right now.
“Yeah, we’re good, we’re good.” Chase blows out a long breath and then puts his hand on Dok’s shoulder, pulling him close. “Okay, dude, pick a book, right?”
Dok is just gazing at him. He glances over at the people passing by. At the lights on the ceiling.
Chase pushes him gently back towards the books. “You love books. You used to read to me just about every night. Especially while I’d be up guarding. And you’d massage my shoulders when they got stiff. After a while you didn’t even need the books. You’d just memorize everything you liked and recite it to me.”
Henrik looks at the books. But he doesn’t reach for anything. His eyes do not linger. He tries to turn around again.
“Hey,” Chase insists, face contorting for a second. “I’d really - Deutsch, I would really like it if you would pick a book. Yeah? For me?”
For me for you? Because I do everything for you?
“You love books. Pick one, okay?”
But he isn’t interested. The next time Chase tries to turn him, he steps back, touching his throat for a second.
Chase lets him go, shoulders sinking.
nikkilbook asked:
When you’re in the book section, see if you can find a copy of the Torah or the Tanakh. I think Schneep was saying Shacharit, his morning prayers.
“It’s a shitty supermarket, I don’t think they even have Bibles,” grumbles Chase. “Oh, no, wait! There they are. Right alongside the First Communion books. Thank you, Ireland.”
“At least look.” JJ pushes his shoulder. “Go find a book for him if he won’t pick one himself.”
“Was he saying his blessings this morning, though?”
“I don’t know, I wasn’t there,” answers JJ. “Maybe you should try them with him sometime. He’s still the same Henrik, Chase. You’re the one who knows him. Now pick a book for him.”
Anonymous asked:
Chase, when you're out shopping help JJ pick out some other things for hobbies! Remember the doctor said to get him involved with things besides drawing all hours of the day, so he needs something fun and engaging to do! - 🎒
“Well, then, dork,” says Chase, giving JJ a shove back, and Blue rolls his eyes and tries not to smile as he sees the pair of them square up like they’re about to start wrestling right there on the floor of the supermarket. Chase messes up his brother’s hair. “You have to get a book too, then. And pick some other things you want to do at home.”
“Fine. Challenge accepted. I’m a master book-picker.”
“Please. Talk to me when you’ve heard Henrik read you Hamlet for three days in a row. All day.”
“Yeah, that play is banned in our house.”
“Fair enough.”
scunneredzombie asked:
Hey Blue, I mentioned looking for some books from the library you work at? I'd recommend Whiskey, Words, & a Shovel by R. H. Sin, Scribbled in the Dark by Charles Simic, and Inkheart by Cornelia Funke. Maybe check the library for them? Two lovely short poetry books and one of my favourite fiction novels about chracters coming to life! You can always start reading again, it's simple as picking up a new mystery to delve into!
“Yeah, I’m good,” says Blue, backing off, but a second later his little brothers are coming back to him and urging him, with hands and voices:
“You have to pick one too, Blue!”
“I still work at a library!”
“Come on. And one for Jackie.”
Dammit, it is his birthday.
“Okay, okay, fine.”
Inkheart he grabs on your authority, throwing it into the cart he grabbed without looking. He doesn’t feel like picking anything out. But for Jackie… for Jackie on his birthday…
An adventure. Does he read at all? Will he? He writes poorly, his brother, and he reads slowly, not that Blue cares. But will he enjoy it? Doesn’t he prefer movies? It will have to be something quick-moving, an adventure, nothing too pretentious, nothing too complex, for although Jackie is clever enough for anything Blue himself could throw at him, he will not have the patience or the attention span to read through it. Something familiar, something that interests him already.
Blue finds a green copy of a book with a man in black holding a girl in red to his chest, sword outstretched. The Princess Bride. Blue can’t help but smile, and there is his Jackie: masked and proud, held in a fighting stance, protective.
JJ skims through the books beside him, letting them draw him in. He has to be careful. Nothing that will give him delusions. Something solid, grounded in reality, but with a fucking heart to it. No non-fiction. He finds a black book and knows the moment he touches it that it will make him cry. There. That.
The Book Thief, by Markus Zusak.
As for Chase, he is looking at Henrik, and all he wants is for his brother to wake up.
No… no, okay, fine. He knows.
He’ll wake up when he’s ready.
For now, he just needs to take care of him. He doesn’t need to jolt him awake or scare him. He just needs a book his twin will enjoy. Just like he would pick something out for him if he were still the way he used to be.
Henrik would enjoy something they could both share.
Which is when he finds a perfect combination for the pair of them - a silver Newberry medal looking fancy, and, beneath the award, a pair of cats.
Intriguing.
He opens it up carefully, scanning the first page.
“There is nothing lonelier than a cat who has been loved, at least for a little while, and then abandoned on the side of the road. A small calico cat.”
The Underneath, by Kathi Appelt.
Yes. He could read this. He places the book carefully in the cart and turns back to his siblings.
“JJ, where to?”
“Games,” answers JJ. “Let’s get games to play. We used to have cards.”
“Come on, then.”
Anonymous asked:
Hey Chase, get something special for Jackie, a nice treat or a new hoodie maybe! His birthday was very recent. Now that you all are free I feel safe letting you all know when your birthdays come around! Would you like that? - 🎒
“Yes, I’d like that,” says Chase, not sure how he feels about it. It would be good, though, wouldn’t it? To have birthdays again? They never did much. He thinks there was one time he and Dok slept in and woke up to coffee and some bread from a local place. They ate undisturbed, curled up in blankets in the corner, and no one bothered them all day. It was nice.
“What should we get him?” asks Blue, now that their cart has a couple packs of cards and an ancient little MP3 player Chase picked out for himself and Dok. Like they used to have.
“A hoodie could be good,” says Chase.
“That’s true. The one he has is always filthy.”
“That’s cause he wears it everywhere. To bed, on runs, to work.”
“Maybe if we get him more than one he’ll change them out more often and I can wash one while he’s got the other.”
“Just a red one?”
“Yeah, maybe we can get him sort of a jacket so he’s not so hot. One with a good hood.”
They pick two jackets out for him as a group - sporty, black-lined jackets with hoods, one red and one green.
Anonymous asked:
Hey Chase, I know it's not a priority, but you should get yourself a really nice hat! Something tells me you might find it comforting. Oh, and clothes for JJ, nice normal ones that aren't so restricting and fancy!
“A hat, yeah.” JJ pulls him towards the clothes section once there are cards and a couple games and crafts in their cart. “Yes, get a hat.”
“Is that what I should do?”
“Get a grey hat.”
“Pest,” teases Chase, pushing him off, and JJ leans over his shoulder to watch him pick one. “I’ll get one if you want me to. Not grey though, that’s boring.”
He ends up picking out a light blue hat with the word “ok” stitched over the top.
“We gotta pick out clothes for everybody, though,” he says, trying to draw attention away from how much he likes the feel of it when he puts it on. He tosses it casually back into the cart. “Go get some shirts and pants and stuff, okay?”
scunneredzombie asked:
Hey Blue, you should buy a plant. Just something to naturally take care of rather than use magic, a way to feel more connected to the Earth again.
Blue shuffles, shrugs. “I can get a plant whenever. I don’t know if I need even more things to take care of.”
Chase is watching him from the hat rack, blinking. He turns away again. It was okay when Blue was just sad and angry - they all were - but lately he seems sad, angry, and completely disinterested in crawling out of the hole he’s falling into.
He steps over to his sibling and links their arms. “Let’s get you some clothes.”
“I have clothes,” answers Blue roughly.
“Some nice clothes.”
“I don’t need nice clothes.”
“Blue, everything we have has holes in it or old bloodstains.”
“It works fine.”
“Just a couple shirts and pants at least, dude. Come on.”
“Fine, just - let’s just grab some things.”
Anonymous asked:
I think it would do you guys some good to have birthdays again. Days to celebrate your survival and your individuality! You deserve to have something wholly and entirely yours after being stripped of so much identity.
“Yeah, and we got to do that all the time,” agrees Chase patiently, pushing Blue towards a shirt rack while JJ picks out some nice-looking jeans, a red button-up, and a black t-shirt with a poodle on the pocket. “Gotta have some stuff that’s ours. That we’ve picked for ourselves.”
Blue glares down at the clothes around him like they’ve personally hurt his feelings. He picks out a couple long-sleeved shirts and some pants he can wear to work. Chase gets clothes for himself and Dok and some extra sportswear for Jackie.
Anonymous asked:
Add some rice, spices, and other meats and veggies to your food list! Rice with veggies or meats is a quick easy meal no matter the conditions.
“Why don’t you guys go get started on food and we’ll grab some shoes?” offers Chase, giving the cart to JJ. “Rice and spices so we can get cooking a little sounds great.”
“Chase,” Blue interjects. “Neither of them can talk if they need something.”
“Blue, we’ll be right over here, within eyesight. They’re okay.”
Blue hovers anxiously, hand on the edge of the cart.
“You don’t trust me?” signs JJ.
“Wonder why,” replies Blue, irritated, before pushing the cart towards him. “Just watch your brother.”
JJ and Henrik exchange looks before turning and heading towards the food.
Anonymous asked:
Maybe get some shoes for Marvin? His are kind of falling apart a bit. Maybe some work clothes for him too, if you can Chaser!
Chase looks down at the Converse he’s had for more than a year. He’s taken such good care of them - cleaned them better than he could clean himself, some days - but the rubber is coming up off the sides and holes are wearing through. He’s bled and sweat in them. They’re tired shoes.
“Get some new ones,” says Blue quietly.
Chase turns to look at him. “You think?”
Blue nods.
“They’re expensive.”
“That’s okay. Shoes are important. And you’ll take good care of them for a long time.”
Chase tries on a pair of black Converse tentatively, trying not to get excited.
“I think I like clothes,” he says as he tries them out. “I think I like having my own clothes a lot.”
Blue watches him parade around in the shoes, soothed a little by his cheerfulness. He picks out running shoes for Jackie and a pair of dress shoes they should be able to share pretty well between the five of them for special occasions or work stuff. A pair of sandals, too, in case anybody wants them.
“Henrik will just want some comfy sneakers, and JJ will wear whatever,” says Chase, picking out blue sneakers for both of them. “What do you want, Blue?”
“I have sneakers.”
“They have holes in them. And you’re working now. You need shoes you can stand in all day.”
He stares at the nicer shoes. “Just get some blue ones like Dap and Dok.”
“Blue. C'mon. You made me get some nice stuff. Get some nice stuff!”
Nice shoes. Nice clothes. Old jewelry still holding on, presents from Anti. Like the scars and the bleach-white hair. This body that isn’t his. A present given back to him, bad condition, for sale on discount. He used to be really beautiful.
“How about these?” Chase is holding out black lace-up hiking boots, not tall but sturdy, cushioned, tough. “You like short boots, right?”
“I don’t want them.” His mouth tastes like clay. He used to have nice things. Used to be beautiful. “Chase, let’s go. My sneakers are fine.”
“Come on, Marv!”
“It’s Blue, Chase!” he shouts, slamming his hand against a box of running shoes, making the whole shelf shake for a second. Chase jerks back, staring at him.
There’s a long pause between them.
“Didn’t mean to say it,” Chase tells him weakly. “Just slipped out. I’m sorry.”
“Can we fucking go now?”
Anonymous asked:
Blue, why does picking out clothes upset you so much, are you okay? Can you explain to Chase how you're feeling?
“I just want you to have some good shoes, Blue, that’s all.”
Blue turns away from him, heading back to find Dok and Dapper, face hot. There’s a long mirror by the shoe aisle, mocking him as he catches a glance of himself in it.
Ruined and tattered. He wants to smash it. He feels sick. His stomach feels really sick. He pulls at his hair. It’s longer now, pretty and styled, but he still thinks of it as short, sickly, ugly, not right, not right. None of it is right. None of this and none of him. He can see Marvin looking back at him from the mirror, but the body - the body is Anti.
Used to be really fucking beautiful.
Anonymous asked:
Beauty can be found in anything, even things that are broken or reused. Stop holding yourself to the standards of your past self, Marvin the Magnificent. They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but when you see yourself every single day, sometimes it’s hard not to only focus on the parts of you you would have wanted to change or take away. But there's a difference between feelings and beings. You are beautiful, Blue, because you are you, and you are loved. Whether you feel it or not.
“It’s Blue,” he hisses, turning away. He shakes his hands through his hair, furious. “Do you understand what it’s like to hate yourself this much? Why are we pretending I’m still Marvin? I’m not! I won’t be. Not ever again.”
“Blue,” says Chase. “Blue.”
Blue has him by the shoulders a second later, grabbing him and giving him a shake. “I’m not healing,” he says, loudly, clearly. “I’m not healing, do you understand? I’m not okay, this is not okay, none of this - ”
He gestures to the store, to himself, to Chase - “None of this is okay. None of it is going to be okay.”
Chase stares at him wide-eyed, frozen stiff. He can’t move with hands on his shoulders. He doesn’t make a sound.
“Was I supposed to come back to myself?” shouts Blue. “Is that what was supposed to happen? Was I supposed to wake up one day and be Marvin again?”
“It takes… time,” begins Chase uncertainly.
“Fuck time,” says Blue. “Damn this, I’m not interested in waiting any longer.”
“So what are you going to do?” asks Chase, scared now.
Blue’s teeth click together as he closes his mouth. His eyes follow suit a second later, his expression pained.
There’s nothing he can do. Just… maybe this is just endless. Maybe this is just… it.
“You gotta try to get some help or something,” Chase is saying. “Gotta try to keep fighting for something.”
He doesn’t want to hear it. What is there to fight for? He’s so useless. There’s nothing he can do. Can’t wake Schneep up or make Jackie smile or even be kind anymore. Just tired and angry and guilty. In circles. In circles. He hates it.
Anonymous asked:
Marvin, why do you still go by your captive name? Anti named you that because, and I quote, "I like the inversion of it. Now Blue belongs to me. Not even to himself. It’s a name I chose for him. Nothing about him is his own anymore." Why do you cling to something so controlling and traumatizing when you could go by your old name or even a new one? /gen
“Please,” he mutters, turning away. “As if I am ever going to be anything other than the remnants of what Anti left behind.”
Anonymous asked:
Your body isn't a 'present from Anti'. Your body was always yours to begin with and it still is, no matter what he did to it. Jackie fought Darkness to get it back for you, and now you own it again, forever, no matter what the dissociation and guilt try to make you believe. You have always belonged to yourself, Blue, even in times you didn't realize it.
“I wish I could fucking destroy this body and wake up with a new one,” hisses Blue. “I wish I… I don’t… just want something different, just - not this. Not this.”
Anonymous asked:
Blue, you know you can change things about yourself, right? Like, you can dye your hair, you can get new clothes and shoes, you can stop wearing the jewelry that's connected to your trauma, etc. You don't have to hate your appearance so much, not when it's something that can change. You can always find ways to feel beautiful. I.... get the self hate. Someone with as much guilt and hurt as you, it makes sense you would feel such guilty thoughts and pain. But things can change, and you know it, you clever magician. You should get the boots Chase offered. Just as a start. Allow yourself to have nice things, allow small changes and small actions that can let you invite beauty and love back into your life. Healing will come as you become someone new.
“Do you want some dye?” whispers Chase, coming close, scared to touch him now. Blue is turned away from him, head down. Maybe crying. Chase can’t tell.
“Are you wearing jewelry Anti got you?” asks Chase weakly.
Blue shrugs, wiping at his face. His bracelets clink.
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
Chase touches his waist gently. Blue swipes at tears, fists clenched.
“Let me get you some boots?” offers Chase, rubbing his side.
“Whatever,” whispers Blue. “Let’s just go.”
Chase picks the boots up. “You’ll wear them?”
“I don’t know.”
“You have to, like… try some things, Blue. Nothing will change if you don’t. You know?”
Blue doesn’t answer.
crystalninjaphoenix asked:
We can't make you do anything you don't want to, Blue. But we can encourage you to think about things. There's nothing wrong with these feelings, it's understandable after everything you went through, after everything Anti did. But we encourage you to try, little by little. If not for yourself, then for your brothers, at least.
The rest of the trip is quiet for Blue.
He feels faraway. Looking down at himself from a telescope far away, wishing he could change what he sees, but it’s just a foreign object to him. His body is a star and he just watches it burn.
They check out. Food, entertainment, clothes, shoes, hygiene kits. He needs to get them in to see a dentist, he thinks vaguely, watching Chase push toothbrushes through the scanner. He’s not sure JJ cleans his teeth at all other than rinsing his mouth out with water.
He’s supposed to take care of them… he’s meant to… why does the sight of them make him so angry lately?
Chase is murmuring at him, trying to make sure he’s okay, insisting that he talk to him about what’s going on, but Blue’s just dazed. A million miles away. A hand takes his arm and they walk back to the bus. Take the bus home. Up the stairs. Towards his room.
“Blue, Blue,” protests Chase, holding him. “You gotta talk to me. You just have to. This isn’t like you. None of this. You’re scaring me.”
“Just want to lie down,” he protests weakly, pulling away from him. Chase follows him to his bedroom and curls up beside him, petting his hair and talking to him, but Blue doesn’t want to talk back.
“Just tell me when Jackie’s home,” he mumbles. “Chase, don’t want to talk. Just let me sleep.”
He doesn’t want to think. He doesn’t want to think about any of it. About anything. He’s tired.
“Promise me you’ll talk to Jackie, then, if not me?”
If he were here, snuggled up beside him. His big brother. He thinks maybe he’s going to snap, finally, and just let everything come pouring out. He thinks maybe he wants to be taken care of for a minute.
“Fine, promise. Just let me sleep. Just tell me when Jackie’s home.”
“Okay, I love you so much, I love you.”
His amata… he wishes he had any passion for him, any affection… but the feeling of him in the bed beside him is beginning to make him sick.
My pets…
His hands drift through Dapper and Trick’s hair as they sleep. They’re so quiet. He could do anything to them. They can’t get out of the hypnosis, out of the despair. Henrik is tied up on the porch. His blood is still on Blue’s hands. No, no…
Marvin and Chase have a discussion about something Chase has been hiding. As everyone tries to settle in, they begin adjusting to a new normal - some more than others. Masterlist
Tws for self-hatred, past abuse, institutionalization, arguing between brothers, and difficulty with recovery. Marvin also snaps at the audience a couple times. Tws may not be completely exhaustive - keep in mind the heaviness of the fic and look out for yourself.
Thank you to @lehhoh7822 for taking the time to compile this book!
.
Anonymous asked: Blue is on the way, Chaser. You'll be okay. Side note: you and Henrik can be hurting at the same time. You don't have to take turns being in pain. Sometimes you might just need a break from each other to both handle your struggles before you can love on each other again. You need time to work through your pain as individuals, rather than always being a unit.
“Chase?”
Blue steps into the house, peeling off his shoes.
“Honey, I’m home,” he teases, treading up the stairs, but Chase doesn’t answer him. He pushes into the room the twins have been sharing and finds them curled up in the bed side by side. Chase looks at him with swollen red eyes, buried in blankets up to his nose, while Henrik dozes beside him.
“Oh, hi, Blue,” chirps Chase. “We’re just having a nap.”
“I can tell you’ve been crying.”
Chase scrubs at his face guiltily, pulling himself deeper under the covers and going quiet again.
Blue pads towards him and sits down on the side of the bed, pressing a kiss into his hair, and then one on his cheek, and then -
“Nooo,” protests Chase, squirming as Blue kisses at him and laughs. “I’m sleeping.”
Blue lies over him in a hug, pressing their heads together.
“What’s wrong, amata?”
Chase grumbles, shaking his head.
“You have to talk to me, Chase. You just have to.”
“I… Dok’s here, I don’t…”
“You trust Dok more than anyone.”
“He’s got enough going on right now,” whispers Chase. “Don’t want him to think I’m upset.”
“You can be hurting at the same time, Chase, they’re right.”
Chase doesn’t say anything.
Blue draws away patiently, shaking Henrik back awake and reaching out a hand for him. Henrik takes it without protest, squeezing at his palm, and Blue leads him carefully over to his own room and sits him down on the bed. Henrik gazes up at him with those big blue eyes, and Blue gazes back, but nothing happens. Blue gives him a hug and leaves him to sleep before returning to Chase and sitting down beside him in the bed.
“Talk to me,” murmurs Blue, rubbing his shoulder. “Hey, were you drinking? Chase! How many did you have?”
“M'tired, Blue,” whines Chase, hiding against him. “I’m tired.”
Anonymous asked: You probably shouldn't have drank Chase. Can't be falling back into old vices. Can you think of other ways you can cope with the stress?
“What, it’s just a couple beers,” grouses Chase, rubbing at his head.
“Chase, you used to be an addict, you can’t - ”
“Oh, cause you remember that, huh?” snaps Chase. “You know that? You only know that because Dok said so. I wouldn’t even remember that, but he does. Because he used to look out for me. That’s the only person who really knows me, and now there’s no one, and Anti’s gone, and I’m just - ”
“We don’t know each other?”
“Blue, I don’t think I’m myself anymore, that’s the problem,” sobs Chase. “I don’t even know myself. I’m - I’m having memory problems, Blue. I think I’ve been Anti’s for so fucking long, maybe I’m not going to come back.”
“We all have to change a little,” whispers Blue, rocking him against his chest. “That’s okay. We’re not going to be the same people we were, but we can be someone new.”
“I can’t,” cries Chase. “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“I’m - I’m still - I’m just Trick still, Blue, I - ”
“You’re not. Not if you don’t want to be.”
“I still miss him!” Chase lets go of his sibling, burying his face in his hands. “I’m sorry, Blue, I know you killed him to protect us, but I’m just weak, I still miss him… he terrified me so much near the end, why do I still miss him…”
Blue lets out a long breath, fighting down the grief it gives him.
“That’s okay, Chase. You didn’t have to be scared to tell me. I don’t blame you. Come here, hey, look at me.”
He cups Chase’s face and turns him up towards him.
Blue eyes, fixated on him, the movement of his mouth, the black pupil -
Trick, are you tired?
Chase’s eyes roll back, slumping over Blue’s lap.
“Chase! Chase, hey!”
nikkilbook asked: Somebody correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t it a thing where if recovering addicts get even a taste of their substance of choice, it can send them spiraling just as bad as a binge used to? Y’all, I think Chase’s brain is hypnotizing himself at any blue eyes that look at him the right way.
“Fuck, fuck,” hisses Blue, heaving his little brother up and placing him back against the bed. “Chase, are you with me?”
“Hmmm?” asks Chase sleepily, grinning up at him. “What? I’m good…”
“Chase, stay with me.”
“I’m right here.” His voice is all dopey and dreamy. “Blue?”
“Yeah, it’s me. It’s me.”
He touches his shoulders, fingers tight on the bones. “This happened with someone else?”
Chase blinks, confused. “What?”
“If this happened with someone else, then it’s not me, it - it’s you, honey, what…?”
Chase ignores him, rubbing at his head a little. He’s tired. But pretty okay, too. He feels pretty okay. It’s warm in here and they have everything they need. He could stay here a long long time if he needed to.
“You have triggers for the hypnosis,” he hears Blue say somewhere in the distance, meaningless and far away. He thinks there’s a note of fear in his voice. But he doesn’t have to worry about it. He doesn’t have to worry about anything.
“Mhh,” he hums, rubbing lazily at Blue’s shoulder. “Okay.”
“Fuck,” Blue mutters, getting off the bed, and Chase whines in protest, searching for him with sleepy eyes. “No wonder you’ve been so calm since he died. You could still be under half the time and we haven’t even noticed.”
Chase sits up, yawning, and slinks down to lie under the covers instead, stretching out into the warm spot where his twin was sleeping.
“Chase, are you getting what I’m saying?”
“Yeah, course,” answers Chase, watching him pace around the room, looking for something, though he doesn’t know what. “I’ve been calm since Anti died.”
“Yeah, but – shit. Okay.”
“Blue, what’s wrong?”
“I just… I guess I just need to talk to Jackie, amata.”
Chase shrugs, settling down against his pillow. That’s not his problem, then. Blue and Jackie handle things and he just needs to guard and be good.
Be good, be good, be good.
“Chase? We need to talk too. Are you with me?”
“Blue, we don’t have to worry, can we just have a nap?”
“Chaser, look at me - no, don’t, actually, just - we’re going to talk. Okay? Sit up and we’re going to talk.”
Anonymous asked: Is it possible that Anti might have instilled a trigger or something like that in Chase's mind? It's like he hasn't shaken off the hypnotic hold He used almost constantly on him...
Blue grips hard at Chase, holding him off the bed, and his brother stares back at him, bewildered.
“Blue… what’s the matter?”
“Chase. How often was Anti in your head?”
“I don’t know. What do you mean?”
“How often was he hypnotizing you?”
Chase shakes his head, expression contorting. “No, he didn’t, he’s good to me.”
“Chase! How deep did Anti get in your head?”
He’s making his little brother cry now, exhausted and confused. “I don’t know what we’re talking about. He was - he - I remember Dapper was there… and Anti was smiling but Dapper said… no, it wasn’t true…”
Chase blinks a few times, stroking at Blue’s shoulder as he tries to think. His eyes clear up a little, fear seeping in to replace the confusion.
“Blue?” he chokes.
“Chase. Chase. How long has this been going on?”
“No. No. There’s no - ” He feels nauseous, something hot and painful curling through his stomach. “No, there’s no hypnosis anymore. No hold. No.”
“But you still obey without thinking about it sometimes,” continues Blue almost frantically. “You still have that trigger to obey and just – just be good. He was in your head for so long. What if he got in your head so far down it’s still there? You can’t - what if he really messed you up?”
Chase turns onto his side, hiding his face in his pillow and pulling it over his ears. No, no, no. He didn’t want Blue to find out.
Blue hovers for a few minutes, his breathing slightly fast. Chase glances slowly over and finds his sibling swiping at tears by the window, sniffling. He sinks down lower against the pillow, mouth shaking. He wants to comfort him but doesn’t know how.
Blue sits down beside him again a moment later, wiping at his face. “Chase, when you say you don’t remember things – how bad is that?”
Chase doesn’t answer. Doesn’t move. Won’t look up at him.
“When we were at the airport the cameras asked you about your kids and you said you didn’t remember. But you used to, sometimes. You would talk about them. Dream about their mom.”
Chase is turned towards the bed, unmoving.
“Amata. My heart.”
He touches Chase’s shoulder, fingers warm against his skin.
“Chase, how bad is the memory loss?”
nikkilbook asked: He hypnotized himself with Schneep earlier. Someone else thought maybe it was an echo Anti’d left in Dok, because right around when JJ rewound from the disaster with the Robins, we got a tech ghost on our screen that said he’d left stuff in “him.” Context implies that he was talking about Dok, but I honestly think he “left” residual power in each of you. One more layer of scarring to work through. My knee jerk theory is that some of his electricity is still present in your nervous system, making it more difficult for your brains to self-correct, and it might mean you need to get a little more creative with medical care or get like a magic enema or some crap, I don’t know. Not a Magic Doctor.
“Maybe that’s just what he does,” mumbles Blue, casting his hands through his hair. “Just - possesses people and leaves traces behind. Leaves changes. Has he possessed all of us? I think so. Or maybe this is just the psychological scarring he left on all of us whether or not it’s something got to do with him actually leaving his essence or whatever behind. He left shit with us one way or another. None of us are the same. Memory loss, hypnosis, and just flat-out torture.” Blue sighs bitterly and rubs at his face.
They don’t deserve this. His family just doesn’t deserve this. Chase doesn’t. None of them ever have.
“Hey, don’t cry, amata, I’m sorry,” protests Blue, turning his attention back to his little brother and curling up around him. “It’s going to be okay. We’ll figure this out. Just - just talk to me, Chase, I want to help…”
“I don’t remember anything,” whispers Chase. “Feels like it, anyway. Like how Dapper talks about it sometimes – having flashes some days, and nothing the next. The coming and going. The fogginess. He was going to do the same thing to me as he did to Dapper. Just the constant resetting. He said we were going to forget you and Red and Dok. It was just going to be me and Dapper and him. We were just going to be… pets. Forever. Forgetting and forgetting and forgetting.”
Blue’s hand seems to tighten on his shoulder.
“I think he started the process and now I’m just… I just don’t remember. I’m still stuck in that headspace. Blue, I hear everybody else talking about where we’ve been. But I don’t remember Peru or Norway. I remember parts of Singapore and parts of California. But not much. Just good days, really. And I know now that that isn’t all there was. I remember days when it would just be me and Anti playing, but when I think about where you were or why I had a bruise on my cheek or why Noodle couldn’t come out of his room, I don’t remember that.”
“You’re missing days.”
“Days… weeks. Months if you go back far enough. And then all the years before that. Sometimes I have dreams, but I don’t know what they mean anymore. I think maybe… I think Anti didn’t quite reset me, but he took things away. Day by day. Whatever he wanted. Cause you’re right. He spent so much time on me there at the end. Resetting again and again hadn’t worked with Dapper, so he became more delicate. I was the next project, right? A new method. You know him, he was always talking about how he would do whatever he had to to keep us. How we would never get away, never even want to if he had his way.”
“But you remember since Anti died, right?” asks Blue, voice trembling. “No lasting damage. Not on you or Dapper. Dapper’s just off his meds and you just have some triggers.”
At last, Chase turns to look at him, eyes wide and tired.
“Blue,” he says softly. “I don’t even know what country we’re in.”
And the way it makes Blue’s eyes grieve – Chase wishes he had lied.
“Why… why’d you play this down, Trick? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Got enough to worry about,” mumbles Chase. “And I was hoping it would come back to me, soon.”
“But it hasn’t.”
“No. Some days are better than others, and then suddenly I just feel… mmh… blurry? And I lose track again.”
“Okay, baby,” whispers Blue, massaging his shoulder, looking away. “We’re in Ireland, okay?”
“Okay.”
“I’m here. I promise.”
“Okay.”
Anonymous asked: You can change for the better Chase. You can be anyone you want, all you need is help and time. You will be okay, and you can be Chase as much as you want. You don't need to be anyone you don't remember. Just be you, as much as you remember to. Be the you you weren't allowed to be under Anti's control. Create 'Chase Brody' again, let him be born anew.
“But what if I’m just a pet?” Chase just wants to hide all the time lately. He buries himself against Blue’s shirt. “What if I’m just obedient and confused like he wanted me to be for forever?”
“You aren’t, sugar,” sighs Blue, running his fingers through his hair. “I promise. I bet it feels that way when you keep getting laid out just by looking us in the eyes, but the truth is you’ve been doing a lot of independent stuff lately.”
“I just hang around the house and watch my brother,” answers Chase dully. “That’s what I’ve always done.”
“Chase, just the other day you stood up to me and made a big decision all on your own. You were the one who said JJ needed to go to the hospital. And, dude, that was a good decision.”
Chase blinks up at him. “Really?”
“Yes. He’s doing so much better today. And the doctor seems like he might really be willing to help us. We’re going to get a place of our own to stay and we’ll get a hold on our health and then you can see a therapist and have your own space and decisions.”
Chase nods, his fingers worrying at Blue’s shirt. “But… the trigger? The hypnotic trigger or whatever you said? What do we do, Blue?”
“I… don’t know, babe. But we can figure it out.”
Chase gazes sadly up at him, tearing his eyes away a moment later, refusing to look too deep.
“In the meantime, nobody’s going to order you to do anything while you’re like that,” says Blue.
“You promise?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. Well, that does make me feel a little better.”
“And I’m hopeful your memory will stop being spotty with time. Just time away from him. From his influence. As for the grief - well, you’re allowed to grieve him, Chase.”
“It’s pathetic, isn’t it?”
“No,” protests Blue, and the vehemence with which he says it startles even him. “No, Chase. It’s… part of you. The missing him. The way you loved him even when he turned out to be a monster.”
scunneredzombie asked: There is no shame in missing him, Chase. You grow past him every day. Do you remember the boy who gave a warning shot just for Marvin mentioning your twin's name? Now that boy calls him Henrik and lets Marvin hold him close. You have come so far, changed so much. You aren't Chase, but you certainly aren't Trick either. You're something, someone, new and free from your past, even if ghosts still follow you. Be whoever you need, your brothers will still adore you.
“You are growing. I watch all of you grow,” Blue agrees, stroking his hair. “Sometimes I see you all growing so much it makes me feel silly for even thinking I can take care of you. But that’s a privilege you all still give me.”
Chase smiles weakly, rubbing his wrist as he holds it. Blue blinks at him, examining his face. His skin’s got a little color back these days, a little sun. Are those freckles, starting to show up on his cheeks?
“You were so paranoid when Anti first stole me,” chuckles Blue, pressing close to him. “You could have fucking shot me just for getting near your twin. But just now you let me take him to the other room. Look after him. You’re not alone anymore. You trusted us, even if we’ve all done things to hurt each other.”
“I shouldn’t have trusted him, though,” whispers Chase.
“We can’t just live in the mistakes we’ve made, Chase. We’re free now and that’s what matters. Besides, I… admire the way that you and Dap - that you and JJ are able to grieve him.”
Chase stares up at him. “What, really?”
“You’re both so stuffed full of goodness, it makes me sick,” says Blue, and Chase laughs. “Sunbeams. You’re optimists. You remember the good times even despite the bad. And you just - you love so fucking hard. He didn’t deserve you, that’s all. You love so hard you were willing to forgive him a couple times. Willing to love him even when he hurt you. But when you two realized he was hurting all of us, and when you realized you deserved better… you fought anyway. Even though it hurt. Shit, Chase, I savored the moment where Anti died. But you fought even though it must have messed you up. I love you. I love that you’re the sort of person who could grieve for a monster. My stella amata.”
Chase’s eyes water, his thumb stroking across Blue’s wrist.
“I love you, Blue.”
“I love you too.”
.
Anonymous asked: Chase, I have a tip. I have memory issues too, though less magic-based. To help me remember it all, I assign memories to my fingers. Then ever morning I 'count' off the most important memories. The country I'm in, my name, my partner's name, my age, what house I'm in, etc! A memory per each ten fingers. Just counting off the memories, even if they feel far away and foggy.
One.
He touches his thumb.
1. My name is Chase.
Blue has cut the green dye from Chase’s fringe. He has mousy brown hair and a face full of freckles. There is color in his cheeks again.
2. We’re in our apartment in Ireland.
Quiet morning light and birds singing from the window.
3. Dok is right here with me.
He watches him for a moment, sleeping at his side. He’s not all wrapped up in bandages anymore. Just a splint on one of his fingers, a wrap around a cut on his chest that had to be stitched up, and a prescription painkiller for his busted ribs sitting in the drawer in the bathroom. Chase shifts closer to him and Henrik shifts back in his sleep, his face quiet and at peace. Chase touches his hand.
4. Jackie and Blue are in their room and Dapper’s at the hospital. Everyone’s okay.
He sometimes repeats this one a few times. Everyone’s okay, everyone’s okay, everyone’s okay.
And 5.
Anti is dead. He will not hurt us ever again.
He holds Henrik’s hand and knocks their heads gently together.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
Everyone’s okay.
Time to wake up.
“Hey, come on,” he whispers, squeezing his fingers. “Let’s get you some breakfast and go see Dap.”
Henrik blinks awake. He squints for a second and then smiles slowly at his twin.
Everyone’s okay.
scunneredzombie asked: Things are going well, loves? You have an apartment now, exciting! How is everyone's mental and physical states lately?
“Things are… yeah, pretty good,” says Chase, slipping out of their tangle of blankets and t-shirts. The apartment only came furnished with a couple things, and he told Jackie and Blue to take the bed. He’s used to his nest. “The apartment’s great. Dapper can come home in a couple days if all goes well. He’s a lot better. And Blue and Jackie are staying busy, getting stuff done. It’s good. Jackie’s more like he was in the beginning - focused on a goal again.”
He treads out into the hall and then down the stairs to the kitchen, cracking open the cupboard and pulling out a cheap box of instant oatmeal. He sets a pot on the stove and starts heat under the water, waiting for it to boil.
Henrik slips out after him and comes to sit at a chair by the table, waiting patiently for food, his glasses askew on his nose. Chase fixes them tenderly, pushing his hair back into place while he’s at it.
“And we’re pretty much the same, huh?” he says, rubbing at the back of Dok’s neck. But for all that he’s gentle, the note of grief growing in his eyes every time he looks at his twin is louder than it has been before. “We’re pretty much the same.”
“Hey, Chaser.”
“Oh, Jackie, hi.”
His brother strides over and plants a kiss on his head. “I’m going for a run. Come see me at work?”
“Yeah, at three?”
“Yeah. Bye, love you.”
“Love you. There’s oatmeal if you want some, though.”
“I’ll grab some when I get back.”
He’s gone in an instant. Always in a rush lately.
Anonymous asked: Chaser, did they ever find out what was going on with Henrik?
“We got his head checked out in one of those big machines to look at your brain, but - I mean, there’s old stuff. Old concussions and things. But no brain damage. Nothing that would do this to him.”
Chase puts a pill in a spoon and gives it to his twin. Henrik sort of looks at him, eyes just aware enough to be confused, but when Chase offers it to him, he takes it and swallows it with some water. Chase gives him oatmeal and he just looks up at him. Taking his hand, Chase wraps it around the spoon, and then he eats.
“Which means it’s probably just trauma,” says Chase. He bites his lip for a second, trying not to sigh. Is it wrong to be let down? Is it wrong to think that it might almost have been easier to deal with a brain-damaged Dok than one who is just hiding from the world? They could have done things if it were brain damage. They could have had neurologists and specialists and check-ups and medication. Everything. They could have done everything.
“So they just told me to keep looking after him. To make him feel safe. Encourage him to engage with me. And wait.”
He sinks down in a chair beside his brother, staring at him. Henrik just eats.
“There’s nothing they can do.”
Chase touches his brother’s fingers. Henrik draws away.
Anonymous asked: Chase, have you considered getting some kind of more... magical help for Henrik? Just to check if it's not just trauma? Big BIG if, but if you guys ever get enough money to travel again, one of the magicians in Peru could see into people minds somewhat, and I'm sure they'd be willing to help Henrik with this.
Chase plays with his own spoon, glancing at his brother. He doesn’t like those magicians, but he’d do it for Henrik if he thought it would help.
“Maybe,” he says tightly. “Maybe if I could contact them I could ask if they have any ideas.”
He pauses, looking at the door to the house and then up at the other bedroom.
“Okay, don’t tell anyone I said this,” he says. “But Blue is looking for the magicians in town. Jackie told him not to but… he’s not listening.”
Chase shrugs and holds his hands up. “So maybe sometime I could.”
scunneredzombie asked: What job did Jackie find? And do you like your new, more healthy look, Chase? I'm so excited for you all, finally in a place of your own and having the chance to relax!
Chase rubs his face and goes back to smiling, cleaning up their bowls after they have breakfast and leading Henrik back to their room.
“Jackie’s the light and music tech at a little Theater in the city. I think he likes it. He comes home humming and talks about the ballet all night. He came home with a paycheck too and there was just… a triumph to it. I think it - I don’t know. It’s important to him, working at something he’s good at, getting to care about something other than the rest of us again. It gave him back a piece of himself. I saw it come back to his eyes.”
Chase sets you down. “We’ll get ready and then if you want we can go see Dapper. I think you’ll like it because he’s doing better mostly. He’s hopefully coming home in a couple days.”
They’ll get changed and cleaned up for the day and he’ll glance in on Blue, but his sibling will sleep for a couple more hours before heading out himself, and Blue and Jackie will live in the same apartment without making more than five minutes of contact for another day, moving around each other like ships trying to avoid collisions.
Chase heads back to his brother, linking their arms together, and Henrik smiles at him again.
“Yeah, I am happier,” he says with a sigh. “I really am, I just… wish he would come back to me a little. Come on, Dok, let’s go see little brother.”
nikkilbook asked: If it is “just trauma,” then have you considered a trauma specialist? Like, a psychologist who specializes in EMDR or something similar? Just cuz it’s not something you can poke with a scalpel doesn’t mean it isn’t something a professional can’t help with.
Chase swings into the bus with Henrik beside him, and for all that he talks about Henrik being asleep, the pair of them move clean and easy through the crowds just like they used to, keeping together and moving swiftly before slipping into seats by the door, side-to-side.
“Well,” he says uncertainly. “We talked about how normal therapy wouldn’t work because he can’t engage. Or doesn’t. Are there… kinds of therapy where he doesn’t have to engage? We thought about play therapy or something, but he doesn’t really take an interest… I’d be interested in anything that could help. EMDR, I don’t know what that is. I thought therapy was just talking to someone who has good advice.”
Somebody brushes past them too hard and Henrik jerks back, face contorting. Chase grabs him and holds him to his chest for a second, staring at his face, but Henrik doesn’t start to shake or squeeze his arms around himself, and after a second he’s okay again, sneezing and then straightening up, looking out the window. Chase murmurs something in German to him and rubs his shoulder.
nikkilbook asked: I’m not super familiar with EMDR beyond the fact that it is generally considered the most effective PTSD therapy. I know it has a physical component, because part of what it does is encourage the brain hemispheres to start working together again. On that thought, you could look into a neurofeedback specialist. Basically you get to watch TV and the volume and brightness will fluctuate. Your brain will be all “whut the, this is weird and I don’t like it. Oh hey, if I change the way these parts of the brain are firing, it’s less weird. Let’s do that.” And your brain teaches itself how to be in balance with itself again. Honestly, you probably all could benefit from that one.
Chase frowns, reading it over a couple times.
“I’ll ask Dr. Bowlan,” he offers finally. “Maybe that could be something. Um, it sounds kind of like… like Anti, but - I’m sure it’s not like that. I wouldn’t be up for that though.”
He laughs weakly and tightens his grip on Henrik’s arm.
“Maybe we could try it though, huh, dude? Yeah, we’re okay.”
1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
scunneredzombie asked: Has Dapper been looking healthy lately? Is his treatment going well?
Chase doesn’t know how to describe the change that has come over Dapper in the last couple weeks.
He thinks he used to catch glimpses of it - the person beneath Dapper’s confusion, pain, and conditioning, but only for brief moments, and even then, that person was far away and closed in on himself, untouchable and hidden. It was, Chase supposes, the only way for that person to survive. And he understands that.
He just didn’t realize the difference would be so great when he was finally allowed to see JJ fully.
The grey-faced kid babbling to himself in the basement is at peace. The man who smiles at Chase as he steps into the common area of the psychiatric hospital has a clarity to him Chase has never seen before.
“You came to see me,” says JJ, smiling wide enough to show his teeth, his whole face lit up.
“Course, man.” Chase hugs him to his chest as his translator gets up from the seat across from him.
“I’ll give you guys some time,” he says.
“Bye, Alan,” waves JJ, and he gets a fond ‘bye’ in return from Alan. People are smiling at him as they pass and one nurse winks at him. Chase laughs a little, staring at his brother as JJ pulls Henrik in for a hug too, stroking his beard warmly as he pulls away and signing greetings at Henrik like nothing has changed, gentle and affectionate. He sits up so straight and there’s this deep, stalwart calmness in him and a bright, intelligent glow in his eyes.
“How are you feeling?” signs Chase. “Everyone’s been nice to you?”
“I feel quite alright, thanks,” JJ answers. “Yes, everyone’s lovely. No complaints. How are you? It’s a beautiful day out.”
“It is, yeah. I can’t wait for you to come home.”
“Me too, Chase. And my clever Schneep, don’t you look well this morning. Soon enough you’ll feel better, I’m sure, and then won’t we have a wonderful time? I’ll get home and we can spend all day together if you’d like, just recovering…”
Chase sits back and lets him fuss over their brother, something settling in his heart.
Anonymous asked: Hey JJ, do you ever think that maybe strangers /can/ touch you without any consequences now that he's gone? And that Anti lied to you about it making you crazy or dangerous? You can touch anyone you want to, and they can touch you, without any consequence. Next time a doctor touches you, let them. Get a feel for this part of freedom. If you want to of course, no pressure.
JJ quiets, picking at his nailbeds for a second.
“They could be right,” says Chase, glancing at him. “You know that Anti’s gone now, right?”
“Yes, I know,” says JJ. “Yes. Gone.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“You should ask the nurse about the freak-out I had last night when someone touched me,” he sighs out, putting his chin in his hand.
“Was it bad?”
“Might have attacked someone with a fork.”
“Dap! Fuck.”
“I have triggers,” he continues. “A lot of them. I will learn to handle them as well as I can as I go, but I just - I know he’s gone, but it’s like he’s still in my head, making me react this way. Look at me, I feel so much better… but every time I feel too stuck in my room or a stranger puts a hand on me, I’m back to where I was. I’m a lot better. I feel better than I have in a long time. But I can’t just get over everything that happened to me in a couple weeks. It will stick with me for the rest of my life.”
JJ pulls a hangnail off his finger and sighs as the blood wells up.
“Well, what matters now is that you’re healthy enough to start dealing with it,” says Chase softly.
Jameson smiles faintly and reaches out to hold his hand, squeezing his fingers warmly.
“We could practice having other people touch you,” offers Chase. “Whatever you need.”
“You’d have to have someone I trust,” says JJ. “I don’t know if there’s anyone who could be that for me yet.”
“Well, you let me know when you’re ready.”
“Thank you.”
Anonymous asked: Do you hate 'what JJ has become', or do you hate who he WAS under Anti? You have the opportunity for change now, Dapper. You can be anyone you choose to.
“In some ways I think I’ll always be his little killer,” admits Jameson quietly.
“Dap. JJ. No. That’s not how this works. Fuck, I can see the change in you, man. I know you had to do what you had to do to survive, but… this isn’t a game of survival anymore. We’re safe, Jay.”
“If that’s the person I am whenever I’m scared, though, isn’t he still a part of me?”
Chase sighs, running a hand through his hair. “I guess? Maybe. Is that so bad?”
“I hurt a lot of people,” signs JJ.
“Because he made you,” answers Chase. “But whenever you had a choice, you picked us, JJ. Dap wasn’t a bad person, he was just in a really shitty situation.”
“He haunts me, though.”
“Yeah, well… Trick haunts me,” replies Chase quietly, grimacing down at the table. “I killed people too, you know. I did bad things. I let myself be his pet and I was jealous and petty and selfish. But Trick was trying to survive too. On the scraps he got. And when we got a chance to fight back, we did, Jay.”
He touches his brother’s fingers, tapping his own against them. “I know you blame yourself for not putting that final knife in Anti’s heart, but you still fought. You fought the bad part of yourself and you beat him, man. You chose to be better. Me too. So we do get a choice. Triggers aren’t who we are. I have them too. We’ll learn to deal with them. You’re a good person and I love you. Any version of you.”
JJ is on top of him in a second, all but tackling him back into his chair and hugging him tightly, shoving their heads together and laughing. The seriousness of the conversation dissolves in a second and Chase hears himself laughing, hugging JJ back and play-wrestling with him right there in the common area until a nurse calls out a warning “guys” in just the right tone for them to stop.
“Dork,” Chase wheezes, pinching his sides.
“You’re going so soft on me, I can’t believe it.”
“Hey! Haha, you’re the one hugging me!”
“Let’s play cards. I’ll kick your ass.”
“Oh, you are on.”
Anonymous asked: Hey Jackie, now that things have settled a bit, what say you about attempting to find Max again? As far as we know he still loves you and misses you!
Jackie laughs weakly as he returns to the apartment, soaked through with sweat, though he still wears his hoodie even in the summer heat. He grabs a cheap towel out of their cupboard and dries out his hair, panting. He’s been running for more than an hour.
“How would I even start?” he asks meekly. “He could be anywhere. Most likely back in England, and that’s where the dangerous magicians are.”
He steps into the apartment and finds his twin putting his bowl into the dishwasher. Blue and Jackie stop short, looking at each other.
“Morning,” offers Blue.
“Morning,” Jackie repeats.
Blue sighs and shuts the dishwasher, picking his bag up from beside the door. “I’ll see you after work?”
“No, I’m working tonight.”
“What? I thought you were off tonight.”
“Picked up an extra shift. We need the cash.”
“Well, fine, then,” spits Blue. “See you never, I guess.”
Jackie grinds his teeth, turning away from him.
Anonymous asked:
Blue don't be so harsh... Jackie is trying to help in the ways he knows how. You will get time together, you just have to plan it out better.
Blue hesitates by the door, halfway through pulling his shoes on. Jackie glances back at him, mouth taut.
“Why are you so angry lately?”
“I’m going to work, Jackie.”
“You told me you would go to therapy.”
“Whatever, I said if we had time. We don’t. Did you even ever go?”
“Yeah! Well, once. It was kind of weird.”
“I’m going to work.”
“What if we did plan out some time together?”
“Why? So we can get in another fight?”
Blue and Jackie glare at each other. Noodle comes up to Jackie and starts rubbing against his legs, unaware of the tension.
Blue sighs and steps up to his twin, knocking their heads together for a second. “I’m just tired. I’ll see you tomorrow or something. Bye.”
“Bye.”
“Bye, Noodle.”
Noodle mewls, scratching at Jackie’s pants until he picks him up, standing by the door with a cat in his arms while his twin wanders away.
scunneredzombie asked:
What's got you so angry lately Blue? You should talk to your siblings about it rather than leaving a boiling pot.
“I’m not angry,” says Blue, walking down the path that leads a ways out of town, where the trees reappear and the earth is soft. “Whatever. There’s just a lot going on.”
He stalks past crowds and buildings in torn shoes. He wears one of Dapper’s tired dress shirts and a pair of jeans that are mostly intact, a pair of earrings Anti gave him as a mockery shoved in his ears and his wrists dangling with bracelets. In a way, he looks better - cleaner, more put together, with his hair finally grown out into a nice style again. But he’s still tired and worn through, with a bitterness in his mouth that won’t seem to go away.
The trees appear around him. He takes a second to just slump against the nearest trunk, closing his eyes.
Here, at least, is a little peace.
After a few minutes, he steadies himself and heads to the bush he found a few days ago. He kneels down beside it and places his hands on the thorned branches, letting a little of his blood be pricked from his fingers and pour out over the arms of the bush.
Roses bloom in silence across the bush, rosy red and almost impossibly perfect. Blue sighs out and pulls shears from his bag, patiently picking enough to fill his whole arms up with flowers. He does this every morning before work.
S
tanding up, the sun comes down on him. His white hair glows, his blue eyes flicker.
“I guess this is it,” he says after a minute, voice low. “We’re not in danger anymore. So now, we just… survive.”
Birds in the trees. Blood drips down his hand. The leaves flutter around him. Nothing answers him.
“I guess this is it,” he repeats.
Anonymous asked:
It can be more than survival Blue. You just need to find hobbies, things that make you happy, things that make life worth living. You're right though, this is it. You're normal people now, living among society. Things will seem boring compared to the constant stress of your previous abusive environment. Give this new life a chance. Give yourself a chance.
“Nothing makes me happy,” he mutters.
After a second, he seems to regret it, rolling his eyes at himself and turning around.
“Come on,” he sighs. “It’s fine. I’m fine. Let’s go shelve books for eight hours.”
He doesn’t know how everybody does it. How Jackie seems so excited about turning switches on and off at the theater or how Chase spends all day with - with whatever’s fucking left of his brother, with that fucking excuse for his Dok -
“Fuck!” shrieks Blue.
The trees groan with power, spreading upwards or spouting new branches. The grass curls around his feet, offering heavy summer flowers and moss on the rocks.
“How long am I supposed to give this a chance for?” he murmurs, calming again, his eyes fixed on something far away. “How long does it take for things to feel okay? I’ve never been patient. I’m tired of waiting.”
He buries his face in his roses for a moment, eyes sliding shut.
“I just want to go see Chase at work,” he says finally. “Come on… you can come with.”
Anonymous asked:
What made therapy weird for you Jackie? If it's not too intrusive to ask!
“Oh, uhhh, I don’t know,” he says, flushing as he sits down with Noodle, stroking the cat hard enough to pull the skin back. Luckily it only makes Noodle purr louder. “You, like, sit there… and she looks at you… and you don’t know where to look. And then she’s like ‘tell me about this and this,’ but what are you supposed to say? What is supposed to even happen in there? And then she nods a lot… and I don’t know if I’m doing it right. And I just sit there and she looks at me… I don’t know what she wants me to say.”
Anonymous asked:
Call Dok an excuse for himself is really cruel Blue, he's going through a lot mentally. It's a battle for him as much as it is for you. He's still Henrik, not broken or useless just because he's going through trauma reactions.
“Oh, you think I don’t know that? You think I don’t know I’m a fucking asshole every time I look at him? You think I don’t remember how I’m the one who let this happen to him, how I told him all this shit about us escaping and then left him to be tortured for three days straight on the porch of our house? You think I don’t realize that I’m supposed to be the caretaker and yet I can barely stand to be around him for more than ten minutes because I’m not a good enough person to love him anyway?”
He’s well past tears. He’s just screaming instead. Angry, angry, angry Blue.
“I fucking hate this!”
He storms through the trees. Fuck, he knows what a brat he’s been. He hates it. Lately all he wants to do is run. Not the way Jackie runs, every morning and every night, like he’s trying to prove something to himself, but just - he just wants to get on a plane and never see the others again. Never see anyone again.
Anonymous asked:
Blue, honey, calm down a bit, breathe and think. Him getting tortured wasn't your fault. 1, you had no idea Anti would go that far, 2, you did help him escape. He's free Marvin, and so are you. It's not your fault. You're going through trauma responses too, and that makes it difficult to be around your family because they all cause different feelings of guilt in you. You have almost a strange form of survivor's guilt going on here. None of it was your fault. Blue is not someone to hate.
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” he says, almost whining. “I don’t want to talk at all. And if Ro looks at me like I’m breaking his heart one more time, I’m just going to… I don’t know. I’m just at the end of my rope every single day. Fuck… I just make things worse.”
He has a headache coming on. He traipses back into town and makes his way through the streets, headed for work.
The library sits about a mile from their apartment, a huge building made mostly of glass. There are trees and flowers in the field that surrounds it, and on Sundays it fills up with a cute little farmer’s market that makes the air smell like handmade soap and fresh produce. He’d made it through the interview despite being a little surly based mostly on his passion for poetry and old novels. It’s not exciting work, but at least he’s good at it. Better yet, the building has free wifi and Chase and Henrik can come hang out with him as long as they want to.
“Hi, honey,” he says wearily, spotting the twins playing with a caterpillar on the bench outside the library. Henrik cups it in his hands, staring down at it as it crawls across his palm.
“Hi, Blue,” cheers Chase. He gets up to take the flowers from his sibling, pulling the roses into his hands. “Thanks! I’ll sell them at the bus stop.”
“Okay, babe. I’m going to work, talk to you later.”
Chase blinks, watching in surprise as Blue slips into the building. He usually stays to talk with them for a while.
Blue doesn’t lash out at Chase like he does at Jackie. To Chase, all he sees is guilty, guilty, guilty Blue.
He doesn’t know what to do about it.
crystalninjaphoenix asked:
Yeah, I get that Jackie. It's awkward at first. Would it help to know about, like, the purpose behind it? In my experience, the questions are just the therapist trying to understand things better. Like your life, your feelings, stuff like that. And you're really just supposed to talk about your thoughts. You are always the one in charge of any session, really, the one who decides what it's going to be like. And if you're unsure what to do, then you can say that, and the therapist will give you a direction. Of course, this is just what I know. I don't know what your therapy was like. Maybe your therapist was just incompatible, or that particular type of therapy doesn't work for you. I do encourage you to try again, but it's up to you in the end.
Jackie chews on his lip, considering this. “But sometimes all my thoughts are Spider-Man and the ballet,” he offers after a second. “Can I talk about Spider-Man and the ballet?”
Noodle chirps at him, chewing on his fingers, which distracts Jackie. They end up wrestling around on the floor, Jackie letting his brother’s cat gnaw up his hands and arms while he pushes and shoves him in return.
“I’d probably talk a lot about feeling unsure if I said what I was feeling, wouldn’t I, Noodle? All the time, about everyone and everything.”
He scoops Noodle up and flexes him up and down like a weight, making the cat yowl and go back to chewing on his hands.
“Except work. I’m really good at work. Everything makes sense. Just flip the right switches at the right time and then you get money so your brothers can eat. Voila. I wish everything worked like that. If I could just flip the right switch with Blue and make him happy again.”
He buries his face in Noodle’s tummy. “But no. Maybe I will go back to therapy again, then. I could rant for a while I think. I’m talkative. She’d have to be okay with me talk talk talking. Maybe a little about Spider-Man even.”
“Mrow.” Noodle licks his head.
“Thank you, sir.”
crystalninjaphoenix asked:
Well I mean I've talked about Doctor Who and DnD with my therapist, so Spider-Man and ballet would probably be fine djskfhl And it's fine to feel unsure, a good therapist will help you work out those uncertain feelings. But again, it's up to you. I wish you luck :)
“Okay. Well, then, yeah, maybe. Or maybe I just need a different therapist, haha. I’ll think about it. Thanks, guys. I’m making Chase do it so I should probably keep at it a while.”
He lies in the floor in thought for a while, Noodle kneading his claws against his chest. After a second, Jackie pulls out the phone he took from Anti’s room. He clicks on Google and searches ‘Max Deshmukh’ in the bar.
There’s some articles about other people named Deshmukh and other people named Max. He scrolls through for a while, something hurting in his chest, until he finds one that actually does appear to refer to his… to his… his Max. He doesn’t know what to call him.
It’s a short article about a drugs bust in Brighton. Max is listed somewhere along the bottom as a “contributing officer” and they talk for a while about him getting stabbed in the line of duty. Jackie’s fingers trace over his stomach. He remembers that scar.
But the article is several years old, back from when Max still worked as a police officer. It won’t help him find him.
It does have a picture though.
Jackie’s fingers trace him, just for a minute. Max is smiling.
He closes out of the tab and gets up.
“I’m going to take a shower,” he says, changing the subject in an instant. “But later, I can take you to the show at work. The girls are really good. They’re doing Swan Lake.”
He sets you down beside Noodle, who rolls over on his back, closes his eyes, and purrs into the afternoon sun.
scunneredzombie asked:
Ohh Blue you work at a library! Do you ever sneak off to read the books or find interesting old ones? Librarian and shelver jobs are a blast if you know where to look for the fun, in my experience!
Blue pauses, eyes sliding over to you as he works by the front desk, marking books to be put on hold.
“It’s fun, really?”
He glances around the library, a sigh sliding out of him. “I was glad to be around books at first but I guess I haven’t really looked at that many. I don’t even feel like reading Neruda lately. I guess I got distracted. This library has this totally weird energy to it. I think there’s something magic nearby, but I don’t know how to find it. And trust me, I’ve checked out every shelf and cranny of this place.”
He lets his hands stroke over the book in his hands.
“I do miss having something good to read, I guess.”
scunneredzombie asked:
You should check out some books, Blue! You should try having some hobbies that relax you and help you destress from the anger and guilt you're dealing with. Reading and trying to find the magicians will give your brain something else to focus on for a while.
“I don’t even know where I’d start.” Blue rubs at the back of his head. A coworker passes him by with a ‘hey, Matti!’ and he gives a forced little wave. “I don’t even remember anything before Anti reset me. I have no idea what I’ve read except the stuff I had memorized that stayed with me.”
Anonymous asked:
Hey Chase, you guys should get one of those speech assistance machines that have preset buttons with useful words in them, for Henrik! He might be able to communicate simple needs and feelings that way. Ask the doctor about it, maybe?
“Well, we did think about that at one point.”
Chase is standing by a busy bus stop in a light rain, Henrik sitting on the bench beside him, wearing both their coats so he has a hood. Chase brushes water from his eyes and smiles at the people that pass by, holding out roses for sale.
“The problem is that he doesn’t really engage with anything. Like I’ll say ‘do you want milk or water?’ and hold them both up, but he doesn’t try to tell me, he just looks at me. He could sign if he wanted to talk without speaking… like if I sign 'cat…’”
Chase signs cat. Henrik signs cat beside him, blinking up at him.
“He doesn’t sign back - hey!”
Chase whirls on his twin, who stares up at him with rainy blue eyes.
“Cat,” repeats Chase.
Henrik gazes at him for a second before looking down at the caterpillar he’s still holding in his hand.
“Maybe we should try a communication board,” mutters Chase, shaken.
Anonymous asked:
Henrik, you signed!!!! I think he likes the caterpillar a lot haha. Try and keep signing to him!
“Caterpillar,” spells Chase, because he doesn’t know the sign.
The look Henrik gives him is actively skeptical. Chase snorts.
“Hey, can I get a dozen?”
“Yes, sir, of course.”
Henrik has learned to help him pull roses from his arms for customers, but he never quite counts to twelve.
“One more, Deutsch, one more.”
Henrik keeps pulling flowers and Chase has to pull one gently back from him.
“There you go, sir. Thank you. Dok, ‘rose.’ Rose.”
Henrik has lost interest again.
Anonymous asked:
Still, a sign of progress! Chase you being there for him and taking care and engaging is paying off! This could be the start of improvement.
“Yeah, that was good, wasn’t it?”
His voice is a little faint. He sits down beside him right there at the bus stop, the rain dripping down his hair, and pulls Henrik closer to him, kissing the side of his head, his free arm full of blood red roses. He rests against him for a long moment with his eyes closed, their heads pressed together, and Henrik tenderly reaches out to show his brother his caterpillar.
“Cat,” signs Chase.
“Cat.”
Anonymous asked:
You can't hide from the world forever Blue. You'll have to face your anger and grief and guilt someday. It's up to you how long you let it simmer in you.
Blue walks home from work when his shift is done.
It’s evening and everyone seems to be bustling around him, rushing to get home, rushing to whatever comes next.
He treads down the pavement, his torn up shoes getting soaked in the rain. The apartment building looms before him. A pair of girls smoke cigarettes on the porch beneath umbrellas. A dog barks from a neighboring home.
He feels heavy going up the stairs.
The door shuts closed behind him and everything is quiet.
Just rain coming down on the windows.
Angry, miserable, guilty - tired.
He groans into his hands, hiding his face.
What else is he supposed to do but hide?
Noodle comes purring up to him, rubbing his head against his leg. Blue feels oddly sick for a second, looking down at him. A vague memory of a big white cat surfaces, purring as she looks up at him.
Then her little body strung up and cold.
He cringes and pulls at his hair, exhausted.
“I’m just going to hang out in my room,” he mutters, leaving you there in his bag. “Let me know when the twins come home.”
Anonymous asked:
Chase should you guys be headed home? Gotta get Dok out of the rain and somewhere warm!
“It is a nice warm rain,” he says, turning his face up to it for a second. “But you’re right. Let me sell these last couple roses and then we’ll go check in on Jackie at work.”
He gets back on his feet, flourishing a flower towards a group of young women with a cocksure smile. “Pretty flowers for some pretty ladies?”
They giggle at him, waving and whispering to each other as they walk away, eyes admiring him. He straightens up proudly, tussling his hair. Sure, he’s a bit of a mess these days, but much better than he was before. He likes to think it makes him kind of rugged looking. Kind of bad-ass. He likes girls looking at him again. And not having to worry about getting slapped when he comes home with a kiss on his cheek.
The memory makes him blink. Did that really happen? A girl in Singapore, books for a sick Blue, Anti’s teeth… and before that, another girl, with big dark eyes, and a smile just for him. Acrylic nails and cigarette smoke and then the soft warm smell of a clean baby with a dark head of hair…
“Um, you good, man?”
A voice startles him from his recollection. He blinks at the boy standing in front of him, holding out a few coins for the rest of the flowers.
“Oh, yeah,” he stammers out, handing over the roses and taking the money gingerly. “Thank you, good day to you.”
Chase turns back to Henrik, who is looking up at him, frowning.
“I’m fine, Dok,” he says, reaching for his brother’s hand. “Everything’s okay. Let’s go see big brother.”
In his pocket, he plays with his crinkle paper.
Anonymous asked:
Those memories were of your wife and your baby from before Anti took you, Chase! What all do you remember right now? Anything besides those?
“No, I don’t know anything,” says Chase, pulling Dok up and moving through the crowd. “It’s too hard, I don’t know. I can’t remember. I’m not supposed to think about it.”
scunneredzombie asked:
You bought the crinkle paper because it reminded you of your baby. That was back in Norway. Do you remember?
Chase pulls the paper slightly from his pocket as they walk, eyes downcast. He threads it through his fingers. The warm head of a baby. The dark eyes. Little hands curling around his own.
And then nothing.
“I don’t remember,” he mumbles. “I don’t know where he is.”
Anonymous asked:
Chase you can think about your kids. Even if it's hard. You're allowed to remember them now, Anti doesn't control you. They're a part of your soul, your family. You can think about them and what you remember.
He sighs out breathlessly.
Cuddled up kids against his chest. The ache in his arms from holding his child for hours at a time so he didn’t wake.
The girl with acrylic nails touches his back. She wraps around him and his baby. They rock together and she hums something low and familiar.
Where will you -
But the kids, what will happen -
You don’t know what he wants, what he’s capable of -
Chase bites down on his mouth.
“It is hard to remember,” he says. “For more reasons than one.”
Anonymous asked:
Anti is dead. You can think about whatever you want. Think about them Chase. What do you remember?
“But what if I remember something bad?” he asks weakly. “What if - maybe it’s better to forget. Anti could have… could have done anything.”
If he’s never going to see them again, there’s no point in remembering. He shoves the crinkle paper bitterly back in his pocket.
“The greatest things Anti took from us are the things we can’t even remember. We’re fucked up enough without knowing everything.”
Anonymous asked:
Jackie, make sure you're doing things that relieve stress within your busy day. I'd hate for you to become a big ball of stress because of working too hard :( I'm proud of you for working so hard, but the other side of freedom is having some fun and having hobbies.
“Where’s the stress?”
Jackie bounces around a booth above a theater full of empty seats, flipping switches and adjusting his amp. He’s already set up his speakers, carrying them from the closet to the side of the stage with a body that has remembered what it is to be strong, and now he’s just checking his systems as he waits for the dancers.
“Where’s the stress?” he repeats, and then he repeats it a couple more times, just for kicks. The booth buzzes with electricity. He buzzes with energy. He feels good. He likes work. He likes the dancers and his booth full of tech. Everybody moves like he expects them to, in the practiced pirouettes he has memorized in the last week, and all the buttons and wires and switches make sense.
“I have fun here most of the time. It’s a little boring every now and then but that’s okay. I don’t need hobbies when I’m feeding my brothers, when I’ve got cash to buy them presents, what’s better than that? Where’s the stress? I like the ballet.”
The door to his booth pushes open and he swings around in his spinny chair, smiling at the door.
“And there’s my favorite stress relievers.”
“Hey, man,” says Chase, pulling Dok into the booth after him.
“Hi, guys. Chase, you’re all pale, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing, dude, just tired. What about you? You’ve worked this whole week straight.”
“It’s rehearsal! Tomorrow they’re doing the full ballet through in costumes and everything. I want to see it. I don’t know how it ends.”
“If you say so, crazy.”
Anonymous asked:
Anti said at one point while screaming at Blue that you're kids and wife are in witness protection so deep he couldn't find them. And that he doesn't kill kids. Find a bit of peace in knowing they're most likely alive and well, even if they're far away from you.
Chase pauses, sinking down into a chair beside Jackie.
“Well, but that… that means they could just be out there.”
“What are we talking about?” Jackie takes the camera from him, examining the message before looking back up at his brother, who stares back with a hollow gaze.
“You think you have a wife and kids still out there somewhere?” he asks.
Chase shrugs.
“Chase. I can look. I’m good at finding people.”
“I don’t even know their names, Jackie.”
“Well…”
Jackie thinks for a long time, playing with a light slider.
“Well, I’ll figure something out. You shouldn’t just have to be away from people if you’re both missing each other. They’re your kids.”
“I don’t know. It could all just be my imagination.”
Jackie stares at him, head tilted.
“I’ll find them for you, Chaser. I promise.”
Chase just closes his eyes, leaning his head against his hand. Sometimes, just barely, he does think he remembers...
Stacy?
A soft voice raises. Red nails curl into her palms. Dark eyes flash.
Stacy.
“What do you think, bud?” asks Jackie, hugging Henrik against him.
“What?” asks Chase, startled out of his reminiscing.
“Let Schneep stay here with me!” Jackie ruffles up his hair and tugs him into his lap, pinching at his sides. “Cause he’s my little man and we’ll have a good time together, just hanging out, just - ”
“Jackie, stop,” snaps Chase, hackles rising. “Let him go.”
Jackie reddens and releases his brother, turning back to his sound board.
Chase sighs. “Why do you tease him like that?”
“’M not teasing,” grumbles Jackie. “I just miss… playing with him. Making him all grumpy so he’ll tussle with me. So he laughs. That’s all.”
scunneredzombie asked:
Chase it's okay. Jackie is expressing his own form of missing him. You don't need to be so hard on alert, Jackie won't hurt him. Jackie and you promised to be brothers again, so you do your best to trust him and let him interact with Henrik without having to treat him like he's fragile and Jackie someone to be feared. Jackie is interacting in a way that makes sense to him and helps him cope with Henrik's current state.
“Sorry,” says Chase, running his hands through his hair. “Brothers.”
“Yeah, well, I’m tired of being brothers,” says Jackie.
“What?”
“I want to be friends too.”’
“Fuck’s sake. You could have led with that.”
“We used to all be.” Jackie pushes Henrik’s fringe from his eyes and tucks back his glasses. “I saw him just for a minute when Dapper took me back in time, but he was totally ferocious. He would have kicked my ass for half the stupid things I’ve done.”
He presses his head against Henrik’s and rubs their foreheads together. Chase sighs, but allows it. He would allow Jackie to do that with him. Dok won’t fall apart. Probably.
“I love Dok,” mumbles Jackie. “But he was more himself when he was Schneep. I miss you, Schneep.”
Chase doesn’t really get the distinction. Dok wasn’t lacking anything, in his opinion. But if it makes sense to Jackie, maybe he just needs to let it make sense to Jackie.
“Not like Dok’s reaction makes any sense either,” chuckles Chase.
“It makes sense,” says Jackie, surprised. “What, does it not make sense?”
“Well, I mean - what are you talking about?”
“If everything’s too loud you cover up your ears. And then you stay in the quiet for a while, til your ears stop ringing.” Jackie covers Henrik’s ears, stroking the back of his head. “If all your thoughts hurt you, you stop thinking.”
He puts his hands atop Henrik’s head and grins at him. Henrik grins back after a moment.
“It makes sense,” says Jackie softly. “When you’re done sitting in the quiet, you will come back to me.”
scunneredzombie asked:
Jackie that is the best way to explain what he's going through that I've seen so far! Chase, it's like he said. You know how Jackie has to go to another room when he's overwhelmed to prevent a meltdown? Well, that's sort of what Henrik is doing. He's mentally gone to anther room in order to prevent himself from having a 'meltdown' after all the trauma he suffered in those last few days. He just needs time to sit in the dark. He'll be back to you, don't worry.
“Well, I hope he comes out of his room soon,” grumbles Chase, taking his twin’s hand. “Okay, Jackie, we’re headed home.”
“Chaser, let him stay with me!”
“Oh, boy, don’t give me the puppy eyes, you’re not half as cute as Dap.”
“Um, that’s a lie, I’m very cute. Come on, we’ll just sit and watch the ballet. My boss is gone for the day. Home by ten. And then he’ll be back to you.”
A winning Jackieboyman smile accompanies the words.
Anonymous asked:
You should let him stay Chase! It might be good for Henrik to have time to engage with one of his other brothers. Plus he did seem interested in the soundboard and such, I think he likes it here.
Chase groans, picking at Dok’s shirt for a second. “Are you sure he’ll be okay?”
“Yeah, double sure,” Jackie insists. “He’s fine.”
Chase tries to catch Henrik’s eyes, but his twin isn’t interested.
“I’ll just go for ten minutes and then walk back to check on him,” says Chase. “And then if he’s okay, he can stay.”
Jackie grins at him, exasperated, but he doesn’t protest. “Okay, fine!”
“Okay. Be back in a few.”
“Oh, Chase, before I forget.”
Jackie reaches down into his backpack beneath the desk. When he straightens up, his hand is full of cash.
“Jackie! What’s that for?”
“Told you I was getting paid,” says Jackie. “It’s for you, to go and shop for whatever we need.”
Chase blinks. “What, me?”
“Yeah. You’ve got more time than Blue and I and you’ve really stepped up lately. Get food for a week or so and then whatever else you think we should prioritize.”
Chase still can’t quite take it from his hand. “I thought you were kind of controlling with the money.”
“Well, this isn’t all of it,” admits Jackie, blushing a little. “I, uh. Budgeted out how much we can spend. But if there’s an emergency, you can let me know. I don’t want to be the new Anti, you know? I really don’t.”
Chase takes the money, fingers a little numb. That he gets to choose what to do with this much cash does not compare to the feeling of knowing Jackie trusts him.
“I’ll go in the next couple days,” he says. “I’ll be careful with it.”
“Thatta boy,” says Jackie, turning back to his soundboard. “Now stop hovering and go have some time to yourself.”
Jackie and Blue try to navigate Jameson being in the hospital, keeping doctors at a distance while also dealing with their own feelings about everything going on. Masterlist
Tws for discussion of hospitalization/institutionalization, mental illness, psychosis, domestic violence, and cult dynamics. Tws may not be completely exhaustive - keep in mind the heaviness of the fic and look out for yourself.
Thank you to @lehhoh7822 for taking the time to compile this book!
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Anonymous asked: Hey Jackie, when you get home and check the cameras, just know your family is perfectly safe. They went to a hospital and the others are just on a walk. No one is hurting or in danger! Well, no more than usual.
It’s a few hours later when one of the few cameras they have left comes flickering violently to life. Beneath his hood, Jackie’s face is dark, his blue eyes alight with tumult, and when the messages don’t load fast enough, he shakes the camera hard, a shout tearing out of his mouth. Blood smears across his cheek and his hands are red.
They’re perfectly safe. No one’s hurting or in danger. They’re perfectly safe.
Not enough!
Jackie shoves the camera into the pocket of his backpack and takes off back down the stairs at a sprint.
“Jackie? Jackie!”
Chase is home by now, crying at Jackie to calm down, but his brother isn’t listening. Nothing is enough. Jackie pushes Chase out of his way and goes racing out the door and into the rain.
nikkilbook asked: JACKIE. Talk to me. What’s in your head right now?
If Blue wasn’t there outside the door to the hospital room, Jackie probably would have burst right in without even thinking about it. He’s soaked with rain by the time he gets there, chest heaving from the run, but he doesn’t pause until Blue shoots to his feet and grabs him by the shoulders, shoving him back from the door.
“Red! Hey! Don’t go in there all worked up, just stop, just stop!”
Jackie grips his shoulders in return, shoving Blue back against the wall, but there’s no aggression in him. His eyes are wild and blank, his whole head consumed by one thought.
“Red, Ro, Jackie, talk to me,” pants Blue, as his twin squeezes him tighter and tighter. “What’s the matter, what’s - ”
“Give him back to me, don’t take him.”
“No one’s taking him.”
“Give him back. Give him back.”
“Jackie. Jackie. He’s right in there. No one is taking him.”
They’ll put him in a room and he’ll never see him again. Jackie will sit for months outside his room and never see him again. Dapper will be locked up for months and months and there will be nothing Jackie can do about it. They’ll put him in an institution. They’ll put him in prison. He’ll just be alone. There will be nothing Jackie can do about it.
Again, again, again!
“Jackie! Look at me, look at me! Whose blood is this? You’re freaking yourself out, just - ”
Jackie shoves him to the ground and pushes into the hospital room, pupils blown, eyes wild.
scunneredzombie asked: Most doctor offices have translation options for people who sign! Blue & JJ, when you get in there tell them JJ signs and they might have an interpreter they can call in for you, it would be very helpful.
There’s someone standing over his little brother.
There’s someone he doesn’t know standing over his little brother.
And that’s not right. That’s not how this goes. That’s not safe. There are cops and magicians and worse in the world, and Red, you don’t trust anyone unless I say you can trust them, and even then, you sleep with one eye open, do you understand?
Yes, Anti, I understand.
I’ll let you go out on your own if you’re good. And that means you keep your fucking mouth shut, got it?
Yes, Anti.
Why do you gotta keep your mouth shut?
Cause if anybody else finds out about this -
About little brothers locked in their room and murdered enemies, about glowing eyes and glitches in the air, about Anti, about any of them, about anything in the whole of his life -
Someone will come take my brothers away.
Right. And then you’ll really know what it feels like to fail as a protector, little hero.
He’s asleep in his bed. He’s tiny and white in his bed. He’s hooked up to machines and medication and he’s hollow as the bones of a bird, sitting there with a stranger hovering over him, sitting there with a prison guard -
“Ro!” Blue is screaming, grabbing him from behind. “Stop it, he’s just a nurse! A translator for him to talk! Don’t, Jackie, stop it!”
He’s standing over the stranger and Blue’s hands grabbing him are the only things stopping a blind terror from reacting in the form of fury. Jackie stands, shaking. There’s blood on him. His mouth is dry. Blue holds him back, wrapping his soothing arms around him, begging him to be calm. He licks his mouth, letting Blue drag him back to sit beside Dapper’s bed, guarding his little brother, teeth gritted in his mouth til it hurts his whole jaw.
“You’re good, we’re good,” chants Blue, rocking him. “It’s a nurse, he’s nice, everyone’s nice, Dapper’s feeling better, we’re good. A nurse who can talk to him in sign, and he lit up so fast when he saw that, you should have seen him, he calmed right down…”
Jackie coughs, shutting his eyes. He’s so tired. He just wants to find them a home and lock them all in for the rest of their lives, so no one ever touches them again.
Strangers will hurt us, Jackie.
Anti, I know.
It’s only then that Jackie becomes aware of a man in a white coat sitting in the corner, his legs crossed at the knee, taking meticulous notes while Jackie breaks down.
nikkilbook asked: I feel like I need to point out that yeah, Red would have stepped up to become the Enforcer/Abuser if Anti had died there. But you haven’t been Red in a very long time, Jackie. You’re the boy in the red hood, not the glitch, Jackieboy Man.
He still just feels like Red. In fact, lately he feels more like Red than ever. All he has is anger and panic left. At least he felt like some sort of hero when Anti was alive, when his defensiveness was protective and all of his siblings listened when he told them what they needed to do.
Now he’s just anger and panic. Anger and panic. Anger and panic.
“Whose blood is this?” asks Blue softly, rocking against him. “What happened? Are you okay?”
Jackie closes his eyes, fists clenched. “It’s not mine,” he manages after a few long minutes.
“Dammit, Jackie,” whispers Blue, because he knows it too - knows that Jackie’s being eaten alive by this new world as much as he enjoys it in the moments when things feel good. “Go home now, you’re flipping out.”
“Okay, I’m just bringing Dapper.”
“Jackie. He has to stay a while.”
“No. No. This is not where he goes. He’s supposed to be in the other room.”
“Jackie - ”
“This is not where he goes. This is not where he goes. He goes in the other room and I can check on everyone all night, as much as I want.”
“Ro, he’s staying here.”
There’s a clearing of the throat. Blue peeks over the top of the bed, face flushing as he sees the doctor looking at them.
“Would it help if I explained at all?” he asks.
Jackie blinks, glancing at Blue.
“No,” he says unsteadily. “He’s fine. We can go home. Yeah?”
The doctor lets out a small laugh. Jackie glowers, turning to look at him.
“Matti said you were a little overprotective,” the doctor tells him.
Jackie shoots Blue a dirty look.
“Oh, come on,” snaps Blue. “Look at yourself.”
“Whatever,” growls Jackie, crossing his arms over his chest.
“We’ll give you a minute to talk,” says the doctor, rising to his feet. “And when you have questions, you can come find me.”
Anonymous asked: Freedom from abuse can be just as scary as it is joyful. But Jackie, change has to happen. If you keep living like Anti made you, it'll be very hard to heal. The brother hierarchy absolutely has to be abolished. You are all equally capable, fragile or not. Your brothers are adults just as you are. They can take care of each other just as much as you care for them. Have trust and hope in your brothers and their capability.
“You should never have brought him in. You should never have - ”
“Rose,” says Blue quietly. “Listen to me.”
“You should never - ”
“Ro,” repeats Blue more sternly, wrapping a warm hand around his arm. “We’ve been working on this. Listen.”
Jackie shuts his mouth. There’s a flood of words beneath his teeth but he shuts his mouth. For Blue. He’s trying.
“You were doing so well right at the beginning,” sighs Blue, sinking down to sit beside him, letting their knees bump together. “What changed? Ever since we left the mansion, you’re really having a hard time.”
“In the mansion you were all right there!” Jackie can hear the whine in his own voice, but he can’t help it. “You all did exactly what you were supposed to every day and you were all right there. Now you all want to talk about doing different things.”
“Jackie,” groans Blue with a laugh, his head falling on his shoulder. “You know your desire to protect is sometimes a little infantilizing, right?”
“What am I supposed to do about it?” asks Jackie quietly. “Just watch you all get hurt again?”
“Maybe,” says Blue. “Just a little, maybe. If that’s what making our own choices is.”
“Oh, and this was Dapper’s choice?”
“This was mine and Chase’s while he’s too sick to make his own.”
“You should have talked to me.”
“You would have said no.”
“Blue,” says Jackie, gripping his wrist. “They’re going to take him to an institution.”
“No, they’re not.” Blue rubs his shoulder. “Maybe he’ll be in the psychiatric ward for a couple days, but they just want to get him stable. They just need to see how he’s doing. Dapper can function for himself - with a little help - when he’s stable. They’ll see that. They’ll let him come home. The doctor seems good, Jackie.”
“You shouldn’t trust them.”
“Jackie. Chase was talking to me earlier and he’s right - we can’t just spend the rest of our lives sick and hiding.”
“We could,” protests Jackie. “We’d be together and safe, isn’t that what’s important?”
“You’re crazy sometimes. I love you.”
“I love you too,” grumbles Jackie. “But I am not leaving him here. End of story.”
“Well, they’re not discharging him, tough guy.”
nikkilbook asked: Jackie, between you and me, I’m not so sure the universe believes in “one chance.” I don’t think there’s a single, prescriptive path that some higher power demands that you take or else. I just don’t think that’s how the universe works.
Have you ever watched a video about teaching an AI to solve a puzzle or play a game? It’s chaos, with thousands of little dots all trying to find the right gap through to the next part of the maze. And out of thousands, one dot does well enough that the next set follows its lead before splintering off to find the next gap.
When the puzzle is solved, the dot probably takes the most bizarre, inane pathway possible—from the viewer’s perspective. We can see the whole maze, while the dot only know what it’s bumping up against. So what if it doubles back or spins in a circle for a solid minute or pinballs off the walls instead of just traveling in a straight line? It made it to the end.
It’s okay to focus on getting your family to a safe place right now. That’s the next gap in the maze. But don’t discount an entire section just because a previous turn led to a dead end. There’s never only one way to get to the end of this maze—heck, you could bust out a chainsaw and make your own path if you wanted to (unlike the dots, you have opposable thumbs).
You’re a miracle, Jackieboy. Your DNA is filled with thousands upon trillions of branching potentialities, designed to respond to and act upon the world around you. Your future is not and never will be only one thing. And maybe the branch where you marry Max has been closed off, or maybe it hasn’t, but that isn’t the only branch that ends with your personal happy ending, independent of and interdependent with your brothers. So do what you need to do right now, but don’t count your own path out just yet.
Jackie sits with his twin for a long time, thinking. He doesn’t mind the visualization. It sticks in his head - an AI exploring, bumping, returning, trying again. He traces patterns on the tiled floor, knees drawn to his chest.
“All I’m doing is bumping into dead ends lately.”
“Well, keep going,” chuckles Blue. “We’ll find a way out someday.”
“What if I’m just too bad at change?” Jackie asks. “What if I can’t ever trust you guys to be alone or to make your own choices? I’m just… so angry lately, Blue, and so… I’m scared.”
Blue rubs drying blood off his brother’s knuckles. “What did you do?” he asks softly.
Jackie cringes, turning away from him. “I… got in a fight.”
“What do you mean? With who? Magicians?”
“No,” sighs Jackie. “Just some asshole. He made a comment at me. Pissed me off. I felt like he was - like he was going to hurt me. So I got up in his face, and when he started shoving me, I hit him. And then I… kept hitting him.”
“Jackie,” hisses Blue, alarmed. “We’re supposed to be lying low! What if he called the cops?”
“He was unconscious,” replies Jackie.
“Ro, you have to be kidding.”
“He was going to hurt me,” says Jackie. “He was going to hurt you.”
“How was he going to hurt us?”
“I don’t know!” shouts Jackie. “He just was!”
Blue backs off again and goes back to cleaning the blood from his hands, exhausted. He lets him cool down again. They breathe. Jackie watches his twin wet a paper towel and return to him, and as the red slips away from the tiny cracks in his knuckles and fingers, he thinks about trillions of possibilities, and wonders when it was that he stopped seeing anything other than hurt siblings and isolation at the end of his road.
nikkilbook asked: I can tell you who I think Jackie is.
He’s kind. He’s quiet sometimes, and he’s loud sometimes. He feels his emotions with every cell in his body and maybe a few more besides, even if he doesn’t know what the emotion is all the time. He’s the kind of person who wakes up early to make bacon pancakes for his little brother but gets thwarted by a little grey cat.
In the past, he’s been the kind of person to love at the expense of his own soul. He loves and loves and loves until there’s nothing left, and he thought he was okay with that. He once said “you are the people who love you, and I am no one at all,” as if the love and energy and honesty and connection that flows from one person to another is snatched away by the universe the second they leave the room. As if the person he became because of that love and because of every struggle and adventure and regular day he had walked through wasn’t something he’d grown into all on his own, as if that was something he’d had to earn based on some arbitrary, unwritten cosmic rule.
I know that he is brilliant, that he can learn and do a thousand things a thousand times over if you give him a chance. I know he loves saving the world and making a difference, and that he’s an absolute dork who got a crush on the cop who was supposed to arrest him and who slaughters his brothers at Mario Kart and laughs the whole time.
I know he loves by telling the truth, but that he hasn’t figured out what truth he’s supposed to tell himself yet. I know he was created because someone was scared, but I wonder if the point wasn’t to shield them from the fear by feeling it instead, but to help them be brave by staying and feeling the fear with them.
Those are the pieces of you that I have, Jackieboy Man. Now you get to decide what the rest of the puzzle looks like. Tell me a story, Astrifer. Tell me a story about who Jackie is going to be now.
“Look, they’ve been watching a long time,” laughs Blue. “They know you, huh?”
Jackie shrugs, listening to Dapper’s breathing and tracing patterns on the floor.
“Do you trust the cameras?”
Jackie glances up at him, then at you. “Yeah, I guess.”
“You guess or you do?”
“I trust the cameras,” says Jackie quietly.
“Well, why?”
Jackie almost doesn’t want to reflect on how many things you’ve helped him through. All the memories seem to be so bad. Like there’s nothing else left.
“They helped me take care of you all,” he says, even softer.
Blue nods, leaning back. After a moment, he adds: “And Max?”
Jackie’s head rises, his eyes flashing. “What? What about him?”
“Did you trust him?”
Jackie stares at his twin. For all that he wanted Blue to know and meet Max back when they were together, he never ended up talking to him much about him. Max was separate from everything else. Max was separate from the badness - up until Jackie hit him and left him knocked out in a graveyard somewhere.
“Does it matter?” he asks morosely.
“Come on, Rojo.”
“Yeah, okay? I trusted him.”
“Why?”
Jackie picks at the floor, exhausted.
“He helped me take care of Dapper. He helped me… take care of… of myself. When I needed him. He helped me. He wanted good things for you. For me.”
“Okay,” says Blue. “So you trusted Max. And you trust the cameras - which are all pretty much total strangers, I might add. So if we think about this logically, don’t you already know that there are people in the world who want to help? Who can be trusted?”
Jackie snorts. “Don’t try to trick my autism with logic, Blue.”
“Jackie, this isn’t your autism,” Blue answers seriously. “This is Anti teaching you that the rest of the world is unsafe. Teaching you that you’re the only one who can keep everyone safe and that we’ll all get hurt if you ever stray from what he wanted you to do. And he taught you those lessons in blood, Jackie. I know how much he hurt you. I mean, I know change being hard and extreme emotions and all that, maybe some hand in hand there, yeah, but, Jackie - this isn’t your autism. That’s your trauma.”
Jackie looks up at him, mouth parted. “You think?”
“Yeah.”
“But how do I get over that?”
“I think you should talk to someone,” says Blue carefully. “And I think you need to start trying to trust us again.”
“How,” asks Jackie, clinging to the idea, the first attempt at hope he’s had in days. “How do I do that?”
“Why don’t we start with spending some time in this hospital,” says Blue. “And letting someone else help you take care of Dapper.”
Jackie looks up at him, sleeping in his bed, and for a second, the wires and needles and monitors aren’t just surveillance and pain for his brother. They’re medicine and supervision and professional help. They’re… maybe okay?
Maybe if he tries.
“Okay,” he says after a long moment.
And it still sends a thrill of fear up his back. It still makes his heart clench up and his chest shake. But he’s trying. He’s listening. And you’re right, Blue’s right, they’re all right -
If he doesn’t try to change, he will only ever be Red, and Red will only ever be the man Anti made him into.
Strangers will hurt you, Red.
You lied to me about so many things, little brother.
“Okay. I’ll try.”
aether-mae asked: Jackie, not to be a hopeless romantic here but of course he would come if you called. Whatever desire you have to see him right now he probably feels the same. You take care of your brothers until you’re fully settled, then if you want you can allow yourself a little indulgence and see if you can find ur fiancé? He would be over the moon to find out you’re free
“You still think about him, don’t you?” Blue says, a little teasing coming into his voice.
“Nooo,” argues Jackie, scowling as his cheeks color. “I don’t want to talk about him.”
“He’d come calling if you asked, Jackie, I bet you anything.”
“Yeah, and then he’d realized what a fucked-up jerk I am and he wouldn’t want me,” Jackie shoots back, burying his face in his arms.
Blue’s smile sinks away. “How long have you been this down on yourself?”
“I want to be better for all of you,” says Jackie, looking up at him. “And if I can change at all, I will, no matter what it takes. I’ll do anything I can. But if you knew the way I think half the time, even you wouldn’t want me, Blue. I don’t want to find Max. I don’t want him to know who I am. He liked me so much. I couldn’t watch him start to hate me.”
Blue’s fingers are unsteady as they rest against Jackie’s shoulder.
“Honey,” he says after a moment, feeling his twin’s misery radiating into him. It makes his stomach hurt. “Can we…”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” says Jackie. “I’ll go see a therapist or whatever when things are more settled. Can I just have a hug?”
“A really tight hug?”
“Just the way I like it,” Jackie jokes weakly.
Blue squishes him tight. They share the silence together, wrapped around each other on the floor of a hospital room.
.
Anonymous asked: Everything will be okay, Jackie. These people are here to help and keep Dapper safe. The tubing and wires and medical equipment can seem pretty damn scary, especially attached to someone you love. But these things will help him, just as much as you can. It's alright to let him stay here for a night or two, I completely understand your hesitance though. They will protect him, and you will see him again. There's nothing to fear here.
“Yeah?”
Jackie hasn’t slept all night and you can see it in the blue circles beneath his puffy eyes. He rubs at his face and sinks back against the hospital chair. Don’t ask him how he convinced the staff to let him stay all through the night. He has a weird feeling someone’s taking pity on them. But if it keeps him with his brother that’s all that matters.
“I guess everyone’s been nice,” he admits after a minute. “And he hasn’t seemed scared. Mostly he’s just slept, and when he wakes up he’s real loopy, but he seems… okay. Just tired, I think. They gave him the anti-psychotics intravenously so it’s supposed to be kicking in even faster than pills would. But everyone’s all gentle with him… all worried.”
Jackie kneads his fingers in his brother’s bedsheets anxiously. “I’m worried something’s really wrong.”
But all he can do is wait while Dapper sleeps.
Dapper wakes some thirty minutes later, hazy blue eyes sliding open. Jackie jerks upright and clutches his hand, staring at him.
“J,” signs Dapper flimsily.
“I’m here, man,” Jackie swears, squeezing his fingers before letting his hand go so he can sign.
“What day is it? Where are we?”
“We’re at the hospital. It’s, uh…. summer?”
Dapper smiles slowly at him.
“How do you feel?”
His eyes drift away. He sighs deep and sleepy, running his fingers through his limp hair and glancing at the wires he’s connected to when they get in the way. He thinks about it for a while, glancing out into the warm sun through the window.
“I feel pretty good,” he signs honestly, blinking. “My head’s pretty fuzzy. Not sure what happened. But I feel good. Really good, actually.”
Jackie seems to wilt with relief. “Good… good. I’m sorry I didn’t… I should have brought you in earlier, I think, but I was just scared…”
His brother’s blue eyes turn to look at him. There’s no irritation or disappointment to be found. JJ smiles fully at Jackie, gold in the morning light, and reaches out to squeeze Jackie’s fingers in return, leaning back against his pillows and letting his eyes slide shut again.
nikkilbook asked: Hey there, Jaimer. Good to have you back.
“Hey, there,” he says. “I do feel a little foggy.”
“That would be the drugs,” says Jackie warmly.
“Right.”
“I think the doctor wants to come talk to you soon. They might be pretty suspicious, pal. You don’t have much scarring - you heal really well - but you’re not exactly a healthy guy.”
“Oh, no, you talk to them for me. Tell them you’re my translator or something. I’m not really supposed to talk to doctors.”
“Who’s going to stop you?” asks Jackie gently.
Dapper’s hand rises to his throat for a second. Jackie recognizes the start of Anti’s sign name, but a second later, JJ’s fingers fall away.
He blinks, listening for a second.
He stares around the room.
Nothing moves.
“Holy hell,” signs JJ.
And then, after a second, he adds:
“He’s dead.”
Jackie watches him, mouth down-turned. “Yeah,” he replies.
Jameson nods slowly. “Wow.”
They sit. Birds flicker by the window, free in the air.
“How do you feel?” asks Jackie for a second time.
“I feel sad,” signs JJ. “And sorry for him. It’s very quiet. It does hurt. But it’s okay. I think I’m glad too. I think I’m glad.”
“Yeah. I think I get that.”
“Dead, wow. Anti.”
“Yeah.”
“Does it…?”
“Sometimes. Sometimes it hurts all of us, I think. Even Blue is fucked up from it. He won’t admit that but he is. It’s okay to be sad.”
“I wish… I guess… but no. He’s dead. It was time. It’s a good thing.”
“Just feels kind of bad.”
“Feels pretty bad. But sort of okay too. Sort of alright.”
scunneredzombie asked: Jameson!! Welcome back to the waking world, I'm glad you're feeling well. Be careful with the doctors, they might not be very 'on top' of things like demons and monsters and magic. Try to twist things in a less magical way when they ask about the abuse, perhaps? I know you don't want to hide, but you must be careful as well.
JJ scans the message, eyebrows folding as he looks up at Jackie. “What am I supposed to tell them?”
“The doc thinks you’re crazy, don’t sweat it.”
“I’m a little crazy…”
“Yeah, a little,” answers Jackie, typing on his phone.
“Jackie!”
“What? Too straightforward again?”
The doctor comes through the door, clipboard in hand, a moment later. It’s the same man from yesterday who was sitting in the corner when Jackie came to find his brother. He’s an old guy with glasses. Jackie’s been watching him coming and going all night, mostly just double-checking JJ’s vitals or whatever and asking Jackie how he’s doing before sweeping out again and letting the nurses take over. His badge reads ‘Ryan Bowlan.’
“Well, look at that. He’s awake. Good morning,” he says, smiling at Jameson. “Good to see you up. How are we feeling? Shall I grab the translator?”
“I can translate for him just fine,” says Jackie.
“I feel okay,” says JJ, sinking back against his pillows.
“He feels okay.”
“I think you gave your brothers a bit of a scare. Do you remember what happened?”
JJ glances at Jackie. “Not really.”
“He says not really.”
“That’s alright, then. We’ll see what we can get figured out. I’d like to go over some of our concerns just you and me and the translator, if that sounds alright. What do you say?”
“I said I can translate for him just fine,” Jackie repeats tersely. “You can talk about whatever you want with me in the room. He’s fine with it.”
Anonymous asked: Jackie, you should let them talk alone. Don't make the doctors suspicious, they might blame one of you or the other brothers for the scarring/abuse symptoms going on with JJ. JJ might also have things to say that he can't say in front of you that he needs to tell doctors.
Jackie’s instinct to turn on you in curbed by the realization that he can’t shout at a camera without looking equally psychotic. He bites down on his mouth, his leg bouncing rapidly, and shoots you a dirty look. JJ snaps at him for his attention and gives him a warning look in return.
“I can translate just fine,” signs Jackie. “You’re nervous, I know you’re nervous. I’ll stay.”
“No, not about me, you know that’s not about me. This is the control issues and overprotectiveness everyone keeps warning you about. They’re talking sense so stop being a puffed-up bird about it. I’m a little nervous but I’ll be okay for five minutes. I have the cameras anyway.”
“The cameras can’t protect you if he decides to - to - ”
“To what?” laughs JJ weakly. “Jackie, he’s a doctor. He’s not going to attack me.”
“You don’t know. You don’t know that.”
“Go pace outside. You are my brother so you trust me, right?”
Jackie’s gnawing so hard on his lip that the doctor actually steps forward for a second, a flash of concern on his face, but finally Jackie lets out a seething breath, a bit of blood on his lip, and gets to his feet, tucking JJ in before turning with a dark look and stalking past the doctor.
“Kiss, kiss,” he signs at his little brother. “Cameras, tell me if he needs me.”
“Kiss,” replies JJ warmly. “I’m okay.”
“I’ll be right outside.”
“Okay.”
Anonymous asked: What does the doctor have to ask?
Jackie paces in the hall, occasionally sneaking glances through the window in the top of the door. The translating nurse is in there now, but Jackie can only just see his back, and he doesn’t know what they’re talking about. He finds a chair and rocks back and forth on the legs, ignoring the looks it gets him as he thuds against the tile.
“I’m sure he wants to ask about him being so… thin and torn up and sick,” mumbles Jackie, chewing on his nails. “What if he does think we’re the ones who hurt him? What if he doesn’t let him come home with us?”
“Jackie?”
He’s never been so relieved to see Blue coming towards him. He holds out his arms and is rewarded with a tight hug.
“They’re in there with him?”
“Yeah. He said he was okay alone. I didn’t want to leave him.”
“Well, if he says he’s okay, I’m sure he is.”
“How’s things at home.”
“Um… okay. Chase is avoiding me. I think now that I realized he might not be doing so well he doesn’t want to talk about it.”
“We’ll corner him tonight, then.”
Blue chuckles. “Okay.”
.
“So what’s been going on?”
JJ stares up at the doctor, hands twisting in his lap.
“Your brother said he found you in your apartment. He thought you’d been there for a while, Kayden.”
His name’s not Kayden, but it doesn’t much matter. He needs to find the balance between the safety of lying, the necessity of some truth, and his own beleaguered delusionalism.
“It’s been a long time since you’ve been healthy,” adds the doctor quietly. “What’s going on?”
“I couldn’t get out of my room,” he signs finally. The translator speaks aloud for him.
“Why’s that?”
“I wasn’t allowed.”
“Okay. Okay.” The doctor takes patient notes in his chart. “Who was stopping you?”
JJ sighs, shaking his head. “Um. Anti.”
“Can you spell it for me?” signs the translator.
“A-N-T-I.”
“Anti? What’s Anti?”
JJ’s mouth twitches with a tired smile, just for a moment.
“He’s my monster,” he signs softly.
“Your monster. Okay. Tell me about him.”
JJ puts his hands over his eyes and goes quiet.
scunneredzombie asked: You can do this, JJ. Tell them anything you need to, you can get through this. It might be helpful to talk about Anti as though he's either a human brother or a delusion?
“Yes, I know it is. It doesn’t always feel like it is but it is.”
He doesn’t want to cry in front of strangers. He scrubs at his face and lets out a breath.
“What got rid of him?”
“My brother got rid of him.”
“The same brother who brought you to the hospital?”
“Yes.”
“I’m glad he found you. How long were you in your apartment?”
“A long time. Sometimes I would try to get out but I couldn’t. I’d get in trouble, you know, with Anti, so I think I lost hope. Some days it was hard to remember there was even anything outside. Just in my room day after day. He told me I couldn’t leave. He was a monster, you know. He looked just like me and my brothers but he was not like us. My brother stabbed him.”
“He stabbed him?”
“I wanted to help but I was just crying. I didn’t want him to kill him. I’m a coward.”
The doctor squints his eyes at him for a second before his face is professionally sympathetic again. “Sounds like you’ve been through a lot. We’re here to get you some help, okay? Do you see Anti now?”
“No… he’s gone. He won’t come back. Well, I guess sometimes I’ve been seeing him and hearing him. But really he’s gone because my brother saved me even though I didn’t deserve it.”
The doctor leans forward to set a soothing hand on his wrist, but JJ jerks back in alarm.
“Please don’t touch me!” he signs. “That’s not allowed, that makes me go crazy.”
“I’m sorry, Kayden, I won’t touch you then. What do you mean when you say that?”
“I’m still just Anti’s killer, really, I - I just lose control - I hurt people. He would bring people to my room and make me hurt them, but I - ”
“Hey,” says the doctor clearly, setting his hand gently down on the sheets of the bed instead. “There was no one else in your apartment. I think things are okay. Do you see anybody hurt right now?”
“No… no, I think the medication’s working okay.”
“Well, that’s good. Are you okay with being on medication?”
“Yes, I’m happy about that. I feel terrible when I’m off the stuff. Scared all the time.”
“Are you scared now?”
“Yes, but not so bad. Not nearly so bad. And just of normal stuff. Not Anti controlling my brain or my brothers secretly being possessed. Just normal stuff.”
“Okay. Well, Kayden, I’d like to review some blood tests we did yesterday. There’s some concerns I’d like to address but we’re going to get to work on all of them. I can talk to your brothers about it too afterwards and we’ll all make a plan for how to tackle this. Does that sound okay?”
JJ blinks, looking up at his eyes. He doesn’t look like a bad man. And the thought of actually knowing what’s going on with him - and better yet, being able to do something about it - well, that sounds wildly good to him. Impossibly good, almost. Is this what normal people do? If you’re in pain, you try to fix it?
“Yeah,” he signs. “I think that sounds good.”
Anonymous asked: Hey Jackie, in your note that morning you mentioned you might've found somewhere to stay and people who could help. What did you find?
“Oh! Yeah!” Jackie pulls a yellow pamphlet out of his hoodie pocket and hands it to Blue, pointing at a number under ‘housing.’ “I went to the Victim’s Advocate place in the middle of town. Told them I was trying to get away from someone who was hurting me. They said that this place will set you up in a hotel and then help you apply for housing if you’re broke. Like, low-income housing, you just gotta pass a background check. So they can get us in a hotel tonight I think, maybe two if we call from different numbers.”
Blue blinks up at him. “Jackie, that was pretty smart.”
Jackie shrugs. “You said we needed somewhere to stay, so I found somewhere.”
Blue rubs his shoulder, grinning at him, and flips through the pamphlet. “This could help us get food assistance and jobs too. This is great.”
“We just have to stay on the down-low. If anything connects us to the murders and thefts we’ve done, we’re lost. We’ll have to run again.”
“Well, then no more getting in fights,” Blue warns him. “Jackie, you have to find something else to do with the aggression.”
Jackie sighs and slides back in his seat. “Working on it.”
“You could have told me about this earlier too, ha.”
“Well, I guess I got distracted.”
The doctor is stepping out into the hall a moment later and turning to look at them.
“Good morning,” he says politely. “Can I meet with you two in my office for a minute?”
Blue and Jackie exchange rapid looks.
scunneredzombie asked: Chase, Henrik, how are you doing? Everything is going okay at the hospital I think, they're taking care of each other. No one checked on you two in a while so I'm making sure everything's good!
“We’re okay,” sighs Chase, stacking a domino on its side. Trying to engage Henrik has resulted in the pair of them making domino towers for the better part of the day, but at least his twin looks at ease, carefully arranging the dominoes higher and higher with a precision reminiscent of his more alert days. “Not doing too much, I guess.”
He takes a swig from a beer stolen from the fridge and sits back with dull eyes, watching his brother build. There’s something haunted in his face today, and his fingers, drumming against the table, are impatient and frustrated.
“Dok?” he calls.
Henrik places one domino on top of another.
“Henrik. Dok. Deutsch. Hey.”
Henrik scratches at a bandaid on his cheek and picks up another domino. Chase slumps back against the couch, shaking his head, and takes another drink.
“Just let me know if we can go to the hospital for a turn. I could use a change of scene.”
.
The doctor’s office is filled with plants.
Jackie picks at a succulent on the desk, leg bouncing. Blue looks carefully around the office, much more still than his brother, hands clasping hard on his knee. The ferns and plants throughout the room shift slightly as he pulls at the reassuring buzz of his power, waiting for a threat. Waiting for a fight.
“Thanks for coming in,” says Doctor Bowlan.
The twins stare at him, eyes flickering as he shuts the door behind him and traps them in the room, heading towards his desk and taking a seat.
“I just wanted to sit down with you to talk about some of your brother’s behaviors. He signed a form for me to talk about some of his symptoms and information with you. Do you have a few minutes?”
Jackie and Blue exchange looks, mouths setting in sync. Here it comes – the questions about scars and trauma and monsters in their memories. They have to balance staying on the down-low with providing enough information to get JJ help. Jackie lets Blue do the talking. Jackie’s in charge, sure, but Blue’s the better liar.
“Sure,” Blue answers. “Yes, please, we want to know what’s going on with him.”
“You said he’d been living on his own for a while before you visited him?”
“Yeah,” says Blue. “He has an apartment in town. Or had an apartment. When we came to visit him he was just… wandering.”
“It’s a good thing you did check on him. Seems he’s been off his medication for a while. You put that he has schizophrenia in his file? I don’t see a diagnosis.”
“He was diagnosed in another country. He travels a lot. Not sure if it was ever official, though. Just know he used to be on Haldol.”
“Unfortunately I’m concerned that some of his behaviors are extending beyond the scope of schizophrenia.”
Blue blinks, glancing at his twin. “What does that mean?”
“Your brother has a very powerful delusion that he was trapped in his room for several years,” says the doctor, looking up at them both. “Or it seems to be a delusion. Sometimes he’s more clear than other times. Sometimes he tells me it didn’t happen. Sometimes he says it did. Why would he say something like that?”
Blue shrugs, mouth pursed. “He has delusions about time travel and international crime, too.”
“Your brother has some really concerning scars.”
“I’m scared he’s been hurting himself.”
“I’m scared someone else has been hurting him,” replies the doctor, voice a little flatter, leaning slightly forward. “Because last I checked, most patients, whether or not they have psychotic disorders, do not self-harm with bite marks in their wrists, poorly set bones, and remnants of what appear to be belt marks across their back. His blood work suggests he’s been under-medicated for more than a year. He’s malnourished, vitamin deficient, traumatized, isolated, and just scarred enough for any doctor with a pair of eyes and half a brain to know that something messed up is going on here.”
Blue’s mouth is dry, but his eyes are stinging. He stares down at the floor.
“Have you called the cops or what?” asks Jackie coldly after a moment, crossing his arms over his chest.
“I’d like to know how to help you,” Bowlan hisses back, his dark eyes flashing. “Because guess what, guys? You also appear to be – how do I put this? – messed up. Over-protective, paranoid, aggressive with the nurses, secretive, scarred-up, visibly hungry… or did I imagine you swiping donuts from the break room with all the confidence of an experienced thief?”
Jackie squirms guiltily, chewing on his mouth, his left hand gripping Blue’s wrist defensively. After a second, he tugs on it firmly, and the two of them get to their feet.
“Don’t know what you’re talking about,” says Blue.
“Don’t go,” the doctor shoots back firmly, his eyes flashing. “Don’t you dare go or I’ll call Adult Protective Services and the cops, and then keep your little brother in the psych ward until a very thorough social worker has decided that he is safe with you – or not.”
Jackie’s hand is shaking around Blue’s wrist. They both stare at each other for a second. Blue draws his shoulders back and Jackie follows suit, taking a deep breath in. They turn back to the doctor.
“What do you want?” asks Jackie.
“Nothing, guys, nothing,” protests the doctor, voice softening as he opens his hands. “To help, that’s all. To know that he’s safe. If I thought one of you had done this to him, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. What the hell are you lot running from?”
Blue shakes his head. “It’s a very long story,” he whispers.
“Are you safe now?” asks the doctor seriously. “Is someone going to come try and hurt him?”
“No,” says Blue softly. “I took care of it.”
The doctor nods for a second, looking up at them. Then he gets to his feet and takes off his lab coat. “What’s your guys’ names again?” he asks.
Jackie and Blue blink.
“Uh – just Ro is good,” says Jackie.
“I’m Matti,” says Blue.
“Ro. Matti. Okay. Well, I’m Ryan. Can I get the pair of you some lunch?”
Anonymous asked: Blue, Jackie, talk about Anti as though he's a human, an abuser who kidnapped all of you. It would make it easier for the doctor to understand. And for lords' sake let him buy you a lunch, y'all need it.
“I… could use some lunch,” Blue offers at last, glancing at Jackie, who’s so taut he looks like he might actually attack Bowlan. But Blue knows he’s hungry too, and he’s trying not to do anything that will make anyone think they can’t look after JJ.
“Great,” says the doctor, with all the caution of a horse girl on TV trying to tame a stallion.
Blue thinks it’s a fair comparison a few minutes later, watching Jackie shovel cafeteria nachos breathlessly into his mouth. It actually makes him smile despite himself. What a mess. They’re all a goddamn mess. He picks at a chicken salad, watching Bowlan warily and trying to figure out where to start.
“I didn’t find him in his apartment,” he says finally. “Or on the street alone.”
Bowlan is an old man with white hair and dark, intelligent eyes. He watches him carefully.
“We were in America,” says Blue. “And the demon he talks about was someone we knew. Not a hallucination. We realized he was hurting him… hurting all of us… so I stopped him.”
Bowlan nods slowly, an illusion of carelessness as he drinks from a cup of tea. “Kayden says you stabbed him.”
Blue stares at his chicken. Jackie is gripping his knee tight, the two of them bent towards each other, a united front against whatever comes, and Blue loves him, and knows he loves him too. They look at each other and Blue lets Jackie keep going.
“The past doesn’t matter so much now,” says Jackie. “Cause he’s gone and won’t hurt us anymore.”
“It doesn’t hurt anymore?” asks Bowlan.
“It will be good soon,” says Jackie. “Just give us a little time.”
Blue realizes, with a rapid and clarifying sense of shame, that Jackie is parroting his own blind optimism.
“I didn’t ask about soon. Does it hurt now?”
Jackie glances at his twin and then back at the doctor. “Does what?”
“What you’ve been through. Is it still hurting?”
Jackie looks down at his plate, sifting some chips around. “Well. Kayden’s pretty sick.”
“Are you sick?”
“I’m… no, I’m good. I just - it’ll be good soon.”
“It’s Ro, yes?”
“Yes, I’m Ro.”
“You have some deep scars in your face.”
Jackie plucks self-consciously at his beard.
“Where are those from?”
Jackie looks away, face coloring.
“From him,” he says.
“Anti?”
“From Anti. Yeah. But that’s…. those are just old scars. So no, they don’t hurt anymore. It’ll be good. We should talk about Kayden.”
scunneredzombie asked: It's okay to talk about how hurting you are, Jackie. You came out of it with scars and trauma too. You're not alone in your pain, and JJ and you have been through the ringer and pulled back again. It's okay to acknowledge that it hurts. Not everything is okay, but that's okay.
Jackie purses his mouth before sticking another handful of nachos in it.
“I’m just taking guesses here,” says Bowlan. “But the only reason I’m bringing it all up is because I expect that the pair of you need some medical attention as well.”
Blue and Jackie exchange sulking looks. Blue sips at his fizzy drink.
Bowlan sighs.
“Okay. Let’s talk Kayden.”
“Please,” mumbles Blue.
“Schizophrenia is one thing. There are ways we can work on handling it. Sometimes schizophrenia does not respond well to treatment or medication, but based on what you’ve told me, I think some behavioral therapy and medication, along with social support, could really help Kayden improve.”
“That’s great. But you said you thought there was more than schizophrenia going on.”
“Well, there’s the obvious things - vitamin deficiencies and some other things I want to look into. His bones are pretty brittle. I’m not surprised he has old fractures. But psychologically, yes, I’m worried about other things. Your brother’s traumatized. I’m concerned about Post-Incarceration Syndrome.”
“What… what is that?” asks Jackie. “Like, what does that mean?”
“No matter what happened to you boys, it seems that Kayden has really felt that he has been alone – and possibly stuck in his room – for several months, believing that this Anti is forcing him to stay inside. So, while Post-Incarceration Syndrome is usually applied to someone who has been in prison, I think it might describe some of what your brother is going through. It often includes PTSD – the reliving his terror, the paranoia, the panic attacks and breakdowns – and can even include Stockholm Syndrome, which, in what I have to admit would make a very interesting case study, he seems to have developed through his own hallucination. Most concerningly, I think that Kayden is demonstrating Social Sensory Deprivation from long-term isolation.”
Blue’s stomach flips. He stares down at his plate, losing his appetite fast.
“He has some stimming behaviors consistent with intense social deprivation, including, at times, self-harm, slamming his head into things or biting his fingers to blood. He’s deeply obsessive. You’ve probably seen the way he draws for hours and hours at a time, often unable to stop even when someone tries to pull him out of it, and sometimes drawing the same thing again and again and again. He gets overwhelmed if you talk to him for too long, but at the same time, he seems almost alarmingly desperate for social interaction. He needs to be with people right now.”
“We won’t leave him on his own again,” whispers Blue, unable to meet his eyes. “We… couldn’t do anything about it til now.”
“All we can do is move forward,” agrees the old man kindly, stirring his tea. “I’m just sorry he’s been through so much. And I’m glad he has you now.”
“Yes, forever now,” agrees Jackie. “I promise.”
“But there is another reason I’m bringing this up. Post-Incarceration Syndrome can also include personality changes and a shifted view of the world. In Kayden, this is appearing as learned helplessness and submissiveness, generally ingrained in a person as part of their survival mechanism in an oppressive or abusive environment. He has felt that he is completely at the mercy of this monster for a very long time, and that would make it difficult for anyone to get out of the mindset that kept them alive.
“On the other hand, in some prisoners, it manifests as aggression towards others and more angry, defensive personality traits and outbursts, trying to protect one’s self from the abusive environment by lashing out. But Kayden has been mild – and in fact quite kind – so long as he isn’t hallucinating a threat. There can also be a need for control and a preference for the set-up of the abusive system even if it was problematic. They’re called Institutionalized Personality Traits – or just Antisocial Personality Traits. And I bring this up, boys, just because I wonder if maybe Kayden isn’t the only one displaying some of these behaviors.”
Blue and Jackie look up together, and then at each other, sharing the same expression of alarm. Just as quickly, they turn back to their plates, Jackie scraping up his chips while Blue takes a hasty sip of his drink.
Bowlan laughs and then clears his throat apologetically. “Sorry, it’s just that you two are certainly twins. I think you must be using telepathy.”
Blue sighs, pushing his hair out of his eyes. “We just… we’re here for Dap – for Kayden.”
“If Kayden is the only one who’s been through hell in the last few months, then sure, let’s focus on Kayden,” Bowlan agrees, picking at his salad.
“I do have some control issues and a bad temper sometimes,” says Jackie. “Hard to keep my emotions in check. That’s probably all you’re seeing.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” answers Blue blankly.
“You’re also quite thin, the pair of you. A little more active, I would guess, but quite thin. A little scarred up. A little panicky at times, if you don’t mind me saying. Look, we don’t have to get into it, I’m not a shrink, just… think about it. About getting some help for yourself.”
Blue turns away darkly, but Jackie’s wheels are already spinning, absent-mindedly sifting his chips through cheese. He does have angry outbursts. He does cling to the brother system and relive bad shit that’s happened to him, and sometimes he feels so angry at everyone else around him that he just wants to slink home to his brothers and spend the rest of his life hating the world until it stops scaring him. Post-Incarceration Syndrome. It repeats in his head.
Maybe it’s a name for the enemy he’s facing.
And if he can admit that there is an enemy to face, if he can admit that there is something that’s hurting him - well, maybe then he can fight it too.
“What do we do to help Kayden with all that, though?” asks Blue. “Social isolation and learned helplessness and Stockholm Syndrome. Like a therapist, okay, sure. But what do we do? As his family?”
“I think it will be really good for him to be living with someone again,” Bowlan encourages. “Keeping him company, providing him with the social stimulation he’s been missing. Just helping him live again, you know? He needs hobbies other than drawing for fourteen hours a day. Needs to get out of the house, to meet people, to remember who he was before all this. Help him make his own decisions and give him power in his life again so he doesn’t think he just has to lie down and let this all happen to him. Respecting his choices is going to be key here. I’ve been watching you two – I know you want to take care of him. But you will need to be able to let him decide how to take care of himself too once he’s feeling a little more stable. Otherwise you’ll just become the new boss to him.”
Blue nods. He supposes that’s what the cameras said too. Tearing down the big brother system. Treating Dapper like an equal. In the abstract, it all makes sense. He just needs to start applying it. Harder than it sounds, but… necessary. Vital, even. Shit, this is going to be difficult.
"Do you have any questions for me?” asks the doctor.
Anonymous asked: Hey Chase, how is Noodle doing? You haven't mentioned your kitty in a while.
“He’s in the garage,” mumbles Chase, kicking his feet against the carpet. “Scratches up the curtains if we let him in. Not that we haven’t already fucked the house up. I wish we had somewhere of our own to stay. Even just a wrecked cabin somewhere. We’ve lived in worse. I just wish something would change.”
He takes another slow drink of his beer and sets it down, empty, beside the second at his feet. Henrik stares at him for a second.
“What?” sighs Chase. “You okay? Or less okay than you usually are? Jackie said he’d try to bring us more food today, but we have water and stuff. What do you need?”
Henrik just gazes at him. Chase bites his teeth, suddenly and painfully angry. He wants to fucking shake him.
“I wish you’d just say anything to me, Deutsch,” cries Chase. “Aren’t you there? Can I have another hug? Do you even know it’s me next to you? Please just tell me what to do for you.”
Henrik ducks his head slightly, still staring up at him. Big blue eyes. Big and endless. Chase squints back at him, searching for any sign of his twin.
Universe eyes, going on forever.
Sharp blue, oceanic.
Chase blinks, dazed.
Are you tired? You look tired.
Blue eyes darkening.
Just lie down, Trick. You’re tired. You’ll be good for me, won’t you?
He can’t seem to move. He is tired. He’s not angry anymore. The house is comfy and they have everything they need. He doesn’t know why he complained.
Henrik’s head tilts a little and their gaze breaks. Trick crumples off the couch in an instant, ragdolling onto the floor.
Anonymous asked: Ask the doctor about more of your symptoms, Jackie. See if he can give you more names for the monsters surrounding you.
Jackie sighs, resting his chin in his hands. It’s weird, but for a second he almost wishes… Blue weren’t here. Which isn’t something he’s wished in months.
“I have a lot of control issues,” he says finally. “And I think maybe it is because that was the system. Now I think that if I’m not in charge, something bad will happen to everyone. And I’ll… get in trouble.”
“What does ‘getting in trouble’ mean?” asks Bowlan quietly.
Jackie cringes. Blue’s staring at him, expression caught somewhere between warning and concern.
“Um. He chained me to my bed once. Or we just wouldn’t eat. Or just old-fashioned, you know. Like, he - he would cut me up or smack me around a little.”
“How old was Anti?” asks Bowlan.
“He was a couple years younger than me. He was the middle brother.”
And that breaks through the doctor’s professional facade. He rears back for a second, blinking.
“Oh. This was your brother too?”
“No,” says Blue quickly, grabbing Jackie’s arm. “No, he just - we called each other - it wasn’t that bad. Jackie, let’s go. Thanks for lunch.”
“He’s dead now, what does it matter?” asks Jackie miserably. “Fucking asshole. Yeah, my little brother. I thought I had to protect him. But he just hurt all of us. And I’m still scared of him even though he’s gone.”
Blue’s paused in his attempts to get him off the booth by the sudden tears in Jackie’s eyes. His brother is leaning over his empty plate, hands shaking.
“I have nightmares every night, so sometimes I just don’t sleep. I have to keep going for runs or else I’ll forget I’m free now. And I am scared. I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of fire from the night he set the forest alight. I’m scared of rope because I don’t want to get tied up again. I’m scared of fucking Coca-Cola because he bought me a drink the day he put me in prison and then took me out again. I feel like… I’m dying. I don’t know of what or why, but most nights I sit awake and think that - that I’m going to die soon, that I won’t live very much longer, that maybe it would be better that way.”
Blue falls back into his seat, grabbing Jackie’s hand, mouth parted.
Anonymous asked: Blue, do you think this explains your angry outbursts and your dissociative symptoms? You might be struggling with this as well, you and Jackie both. You can't say you didn't feel like a prisoner to Anti.
“I don’t… I don’t have…”
“You don’t?” asks Jackie, voice breaking. “It’s just me?”
“No,” answers Blue immediately, squeezing his eyes shut as he tries to think. Fuck, he doesn’t want to do this. Doesn’t want to talk, doesn’t want to be here, doesn’t want to break down. Can’t break down! He’s fine!
“What’s dissociative?” asks Jackie weakly, turning to pull Blue’s gaze back towards him. “What’s that? You’re sick?”
“No, it means - it’s just - ”
Blue glances desperately at Bowlan, but the doctor seems to have decided to let him wade this one out on his own.
“Just some body issues,” manages Blue.
“Cause of how Anti used you?”
Fuck, no, no, now Blue’s eyes are burning too. He buries his face in his hands, breathing unsteadily.
“Yeah, Rose, sure. Cause of how Anti… yeah.”
“You are angry, Azul,” adds Jackie softly, wiping at his face. “You’re as angry as I am, you just pretend you’re not til you snap.”
Blue’s so tired. Down to the heart of him. He slumps back in the booth, exhausted, ugly, worn through to brittle bone.
“I just… need to make up for the fact that I let you all get into this mess in the first place,” he says finally. “Marvin should have done that. I guess I’m more angry at him than anyone else. But it comes out on everyone.”
“Are you experiencing dissociation?” asks Dr. Bowlan.
“It’s a long story,” says Blue quietly. “Just hard to feel like you own your own body after what I’ve been through.”
It’s Jackie turn to hold his hand. Familiar, torn-up gloves curl around Blue’s palm. And they’re still leaning towards each other. Still united against whatever.
“Sorry,” sighs Blue.
“Don’t have to be sorry,” answers Bowlan mildly.
“The truth is he was a fucked up person,” says Jackie, still watching his twin. “Anti was. And he got us into a lot of fucked up shit. We can’t go back to America. We want to get back to England where Kayden grew up, but we’re broke in more ways than one. We… we kind of…”
“We need help,” finishes Blue after a moment.
Their hands are bound together.
“Yeah,” says Jackie. “Yeah, I think we need a lot of help.”
It’s making him cry. Blue loves him for admitting it. Loves him for sitting here with him and holding his hand. Fuck, he is lucky to have siblings like this. Jackie is powerful in a way Blue can’t even comprehend some days. He gets up and gets up and gets up again. Unstoppable.
“I have some ideas, if you’re open to them,” says Bowlan. “I’d love to help. There’s lots of people who would.”
“We can be a handful,” laughs Jackie. “We actually have two other siblings at home, and Schneep hasn’t spoken in weeks. Since Anti died. We don’t know why. I’m worried he was oxygen-deprived and just… his brain… we’re a handful.”
“Okay. I understand. Way I see it, we can take some definite steps, yeah? I’d like you all to come in for a check-up. I’d be happy to do it during my office hours, does that sound alright? Get all caught up on shots, check on everyone’s diets, everything. If it needs to be pro bono then it will be pro bono. Yeah?”
“Yeah,” says Jackie, unable to stop himself crying now, tears racing down his face. “Yeah, yes please.”
“And your brother who’s not been talking, I’ll set him up with our best neurologist and we’ll get a brain scan and such done. And I think the lot of you should talk to our social worker. Knows all the resources for people who are down on the luck and we can do some mental health assessments and things like that, okay?”
Blue’s just staring numbly down at his plate, overwhelmed.
“Once you have a place to live set up and Kayden’s a little healthier – ”
“It’s JJ,” Blue interrupts him shakily. “His real name… it’s JJ.”
He doesn’t know why he said it. He just felt like he needed to know. JJ. But Ryan seems to get it, just gazing at him for a moment and then nodding, falling quiet and taking a sip of his drink.
“We’ll get everything all set up, okay?” he says. “It’ll take time and effort and there will probably be a lot of follow-up treatment and such. But we’ll do whatever we can to get it done. I just want you to stay in touch with us a little, how’s that? If I can’t see you regularly, or at least Kayden, then I will have to call Adult Protective Services.”
“No, I understand,” chokes Jackie. “I’d be happy to… to stay in touch. To have someone… to not be…”
To not be alone in all this. To not feel so lost and helpless. To not have to hide everything from everyone. For once. For once.
It’s like running in the forest for the first time again.
Jackie wants to thank him, but he doesn’t even know how to start.
“Is there anything else you need? Is there anything I can do?”
Anonymous asked: Holy shit, Chase are you okay?! We forgot to tell you in this timeline- We had a message from Anti he left on the cameras. He said he did something to Dok, left scars that won't soon fade. We suspected it was something magical.
Chase groans, turning over on his side.
“Ow,” he mutters. “Oh, shit, what - ?”
He jolts upright, cheeks flushed pink, and shoves you rapidly away.
“No, we’re good, we’re good, I’m good,” he chokes, staggering to his feet, one hand still on his head. “No, I’m okay, I…”
His voice shakes and then gives out, and he’s curled in on himself over the coffee table, sobbing in earnest.
“Will you please tell someone to come back?” he cries. “I need a break, I need a break! I don’t even remember half the time anymore, I don’t know what’s happening, I don’t remember how to get to the hospital. I don’t want to be alone with whatever’s left of him right now, fuck! He’s still in my head… he’s still, I’m just…”
Henrik, a little tense himself, nonetheless scoots over towards Chase, looking at him, hands faintly outstretched. Chase grips his hands and cries over him, squeezing at his palms. “That wasn’t you, right, Dok? That wasn’t you. I’m sorry I can’t pull either of us out of this. I’m sorry.”
Anonymous asked: Chase, amata, sunshine. You are doing every single thing you can. Don't talk about "not being able to pull you out." That is not your job, you aren't reclused to being a savior just because your brothers are hurting. Look at you, man. You're hurting too. You're in just as much pain as the others. Work together to make things feel better, don't isolate yourself. Your brothers can help with the memory issues and pain, and you can work to make it easier on both you and Henrik. Things will work out.
“I can’t be in pain, it’s his turn, we have to take shifts…”
The nonsense of his perspective has been buried over a long history of taking turns taking care of each other. He hugs Henrik to his chest, burying his face in his shoulder, and Henrik sits there like a cat which has not yet decided how it feels about hugs.
“I think something’s wrong with me,” whimpers Chase. “I keep getting so confused and dizzy.”
Henrik hugs him back a little. He stills and hides in his twin’s shoulder, relieved.
“I’m sorry I’m crying, Deutsch, I’m here…”
Anonymous asked: Jackie, Blue, one of you might need to get home. Chase and Henrik aren't having a good time. Some freaky shit like hypnotism just happened between the two of them. Chase really needs a break to rest.
“Shit,” Blue curses, getting to his feet. “Um, Jackie, is it good if I - ”
“Yeah, go, I’ll stay with JJ. And I’ll call to get us into a hotel tonight.”
“Oh, thank God. Okay, I’m heading home. Doctor Bowlan, listen - ”
The old man smiles patiently at him, raising his eyebrows.
“Um, thank you,” Blue stutters.
“Get some sandwiches for your brothers,” offers the doctor, handing him a few bills. “I’m guessing they’re as thin as you are.”
Blue can’t help but smile, clutching the bills and turning to race away.
“My Schneep’s probably like you when he’s feeling well,” says Jackie, scooping up the last of his chips. “Like a cool doctor, you know? And rich.”
