My Dearest,

[my-dearest-forest]

all i want

is to have someone who loves me back as much as i love them

one day ill have somewhere to put all the love i have to give

[my-dearest-forest]

Maybe Love

Maybe love isnt meant to be perfect

maybe its not supposed to be the guy who says all the right things, who has the perfect future planned out, the perfect degree, a picture-perfect family, and, on the surface, is objectively exactly what someone would write down when asking for their ideal man

Maybe love is meant to be messy, and raw, and something you can't control or stop no matter how little sense it makes

maybe its the guy who knows you better than yourself, who is willing to change his future to make you happy, a degree he has passion in, who you know would put the family you create above everything

Maybe love is an unstoppable force, no matter how hard you fight it for the sake of other people

[my-dearest-forest]

i dont know why i check your spotify

or her vsco

or our old apps

maybe its the same reason i used to go study on the floor of the butterdome

or why i go for a run when stressed

maybe after all this time im just looking for proof that it was real

that someone, even just for a moment, loved me that much

[whitepeopletwitter]

[my-dearest-forest]

im drunk on a wednesday

i still love you

[my-dearest-forest]

photos that read like bad poetry

[my-dearest-forest]

Sept 15. 2025, accidentally forbidden

A diary entry;

I haven’t the slightest idea where to start this and the entire idea scares me so badly

but i fear there is a limit to how many times you can sleep in the same bed as someone, the calmest youve felt in weeks in their arms, before you catch feelings. and i also fear that limit is hit when you smile, without thinking about it, at them still peacefully asleep in their childhood room

i dont want to risk you, or us, on a hookup

but i also can barely stand seeing you with anybody else

and i know i fucked up the other night

but i didnt think you wanted me in that way

and even now im not sure if you do, but i am now sure that i dont want to live with regret

i dont want you to be my one that got away

so i am praying you can forgive me

but hoping even harder that you feel the same

because as piercing as your eyes are staring into my soul, there is no person i would rather have get that close to seeing me exactly as i am

and no eyes i would rather wake up to

[my-dearest-forest]

how horrific it is to want

a monster of desire and distrust wound into a thread the fates wont touch

jealous over something i am far too scared to ask for but even more scared to not have

praying for love to be as easy as i am

[my-dearest-forest]

Carefully crafted thread

There are so many different parts of me that I have created over the years. Some I recognize and some that look so different it may as well have not been me. I have been non stop growing, and moving, and changing, and adapting like a Chameleon.

I spent my whole life adapting and fitting into the molds of what people wanted me to be, but after all that time i stopped knowing who i was

so if you'll excuse me i will be sat on this forest floor with every version of me i have ever known scattered around me slowly piecing myself together with a carefully crafted thread. One made of pine needles, a garnet and gold string, strands of curly hair, an old friendship bracelet, a shoelace, a gas receipt, my childhood blanket, and yellow cedar tree roots.

Because I deserve to be entirely, completely, wholly, unapologetically me.

[my-dearest-forest]

A drug dealer, a frat boy, and a varsity athlete walk into a bar

the girl who would do anything to see any of them smile tries to convince herself that one day, if she is lucky, she will be loved as much as she has loved

[my-dearest-forest]

"Casual"

I cant do casual

Im not built for stumble down the block into my room at 2 am only for you to leave at 4

Not created for sleeping back to back hands too tired to wander to find eachother

Cant handle half eye contact from across sober rooms and unspoken stares in drunk ones

Incapable of not falling for you as I stare into your eyes, hands tangled into your hair

Im built for stumbling out of bed in the morning to brush our teeth together

Created for sleeping so tangled in eachother you cant help but wake up to kiss my forehead

Holding hidden hands in sober rooms and each other in drunk ones, friends be damned

Capable of being subtle, but my hands still tracing your waist when passing in hallways

I will never be good at pretending "we’re just friends" and nothing more, and I never have been

I am made to play with your hair while talking with our friends, 

created to share every glass of water I drink with you

Giggling like a schoolgirl when you text me

Definitely not locked in or subtle

- Apr 14 2025, 10 am, when i should be studying for my final in 3 hours

[my-dearest-forest]

i did your laundry every weekend

i knew which shirts couldnt go in the dryer

i cant write a poem bigger than that

[my-dearest-forest]

no revenge

no revenge because as you come to sit across from me at the cafeteria and ask me if anything is new i get to look into the eyes ive missed so dearly with the sun radiating back out of them

and you ask how dodgeball was, the words “hows the frat you hang out with” begging to tumble off your tongue

instead you tell me about your dodgeball experience freshman year and i tell you about my new job, that very accidentally is in the same town as yours. i tell you a bit too rushed for it to be casual, but you pretend not to notice.

and as you ask me if anything is new again, right after asking about the frat, i get to change the topic to me running 5km in under 30 minutes and watch you process your regret

i get to watch you eat your words from years ago as i eat calmly my omelette

back when i told you i used to run, i just stopped because of puberty, you didnt believe me. And now when i remind you again you laugh and look slightly down and i know exactly what your picturing

and then watch you realize you dont have the right to picture it

so as we talk about finals and our plans for the last bit of school, me mentioning my rave, your first question is if its with the frat

and your second is if “anything is new”

a question youve asked probably 4 times now

and i realize something,

youre jealous

and by just living my life ive gotten the best revenge i couldve ever dreamed for

April 6, 1:40

[my-dearest-forest]

i still have dreams of us laughing and you loving me and you tracing the lines on my face with your thumb

they feel so real i could cry

[my-dearest-forest]

and slowly, very slowly,

6 months slowly to be exact,

edmonton became no longer synonymous with your name

i began to run again, because it made me feel good

i danced in the same bars you turned 18 in, but with my friends i wouldnt trade for the world

and as if the fates were apologizing for taking you away from me, i re-experienced how i wished my freshman year was

coming home late, tipsy, collapsing into bed to read

staying out whenever i want

giggling with my roommates until my body aches

flirting with frat boys and sorority girls

rushing to make last call instead of wifi cut offs

my nights ending with my favourite songs in lieu of the skype disconnect sound

and while i wouldnt trade anything with you for the world

i am eternally grateful i can call this campus my own (minus of course the butterdome and lister, ill leave you with something)

[my-dearest-forest]

liam requested to follow carson on instagram as a joke which caused me to go through carsons old photos and i guess he learnt how to delete just one photo from a post and took down the selfies of just us recently lol

i checked not that long ago and his instagram still looked exactly as it did when we were together like a fucked up time capsule

i guess its time we started erasing memories, we’ve been broken up longer than we’ve been together (by less than a week)

feb 3rd 12:21 am

[my-dearest-forest]

no revenge because one day you’ll realize that i would have done anything for you

and you will realize this as i live 15 minutes away in the city you grew up in, but it will be too late and as if i lived across an ocean

no revenge because one day you’ll realize what you lost, just like the rest have done and told me

and you will realize this as i am sitting in front of a fire with someone who realized what he HAD, before it was too late