My Mind's Personal Hell

Current theme: Backrooms Movie

[my-minds-personal-hell]

Library

I got so excited. I thought that there would finally be something to do.

It has been 14 days and I have not eaten or drank water since I got here.

This library was packed with books! I was thrilled with the idea of at least having something to read while I starve to death in this endless hell of unmarked hallways and rooms.

My excitement did not last long, however, as each and every one of the books I would open was filled with garbled gibberish, or scribbled nonsense, or empty pages. Not a single novel was even close to readable. The only words I could possibly make out were some of the titles.

Regardless of this massive disappointment, I decided this would be a good opportunity to create a map, so that I could find my way through this maze a little easier without getting lost. I had not brought a cell phone with me, but I figured even if I did, the maps app probably wouldn't have any info on wherever the hell this place was.

I scrambled through all the books on the shelves until I found one with mostly empty pages, besides a few random marks here and there.

I sat the book down on the table near the entrance to the library, and I pulled out a pen that I had gotten from my therapist's office; one of the few things that was not stuck inside the floor or the walls.

I began to draw out a general idea of where I was, with the library as a base of operations. I drew each and every hallway I could remember, disregarding the idea in my mind that this place changes slightly over time. I did not want to think about that.

As time passed on, I had begun to walk out into the halls, mapping out each turn and giving names to all the rooms, usually something generic like "Blue Room 1" or "The Bottomless Pit".

Now that I had a map, I found myself caught in a surprising sensation of happiness and joy, something I had not experienced in two weeks now. I had something to do, and that's all that mattered.

And then, when I thought about it, I realized that I had not felt hunger or thirst since I ended up in this place.

Maybe this won't be so bad after all!

[my-minds-personal-hell]

Lost To Simplicity

As I wander the halls of this structure, I am reminded of massive office buildings and their seemingly infinite numbers of windowless walls and corridors.

There is a certain uneasy comfort I get from being in a place like this. Everything feels so calm, and everything is built as if it was always meant to be that way, ever since the first blueprint. But, at the same time, it's so easy to get lost in a structure like this.

I have been lost for 6 days.

Sometimes I come across things that don't really make sense. I managed to find my therapist's room, but the furniture looked off, and some of it was stuck onto, or inside of the ground.

Sometimes, the details in the walls and the structure of the building aren't quite the same as I remember when I try to retrace my steps.

Sometimes, I will retrace my steps, and end up somewhere completely different.

It's like the building is alive.

[my-minds-personal-hell]

Another View

As we close out of our latest session, my therapist steps over to the door of the room to hold it open for me. I get up out of my chair, and as I approach the door, I feel a certain uneasiness fill my body and mind as I step out into the halls of the building.

I am alone here, and it is my job to make it out on my own.

"I can do this", I think to myself, still winded by the heavy subjects in the previous room. "I've walked home a million times."

As I turn the halls and admire the simple, printed artwork on the walls of the building, I start to question if I remember where the exit even is, or if I took a wrong turn.

Quickly, I twist around, facing back where I had come from, and I realize that I am completely lost.

I call out the name of my therapist, but there is no response. I feel puzzled for a moment, it feels as if I only walked about 40 feet.

"Anyone there?" I call out once more.

But then, I notice something off, something that sends a shiver of anxiety down my spine, causing an emotion I can't quite describe.

I have no memory of what me and my therapist were talking about.

And on top of that, I have no real memory of this building.

The halls are filled with layers of abstraction.

"Is this a Dream? Will I wake up?" I wonder to myself.

"Or have I been here the whole time, dreaming the world inside my head?"

That thought seemed a little too grandiose, so I decided to ignore it as I continued down the doorless halls, now unsettled by the lack of wall art.

[my-minds-personal-hell]

Therapy

As a child, there were many setbacks in my ability to learn and process information due to chemical imbalances in my brain.

To remedy this, my parents would start me on therapy, taking me once a week to see a therapist who could help me learn about my emotions, and more importantly, learn how to manage them, and/or accept them for what they are.

Looking back on my childhood, it all seems like one big blur. There are certain key moments that stick out, remembered just as easily as the first time I ever had a panic attack, but together, they are all distorted, and have been partially lost to layers of abstraction.

It is fascinating how the mind picks and chooses which memories stick around, and which ones fade away. Your first kiss can be remembered just as vividly as some random time you felt guilt, shame, or embarassment.

But no matter what, no matter how recent the experience, and no matter how photographic memories may become, everything will eventually be lost to abstraction.

[my-minds-personal-hell]

Backrooms Movie

"Do you ever feel like you're living behind glass, watching life happen, but never really stepping into it? Maybe it's time to open the window within."