I was filled with butterflies in my stomach, but at the same time I was super excited. Because that is when Iām going to see a psychiatric for my āunconfirmedā BPD.
I was slightly late when i reach the clinic for registration. This time, i was neither feeling nervous nor excited. Just no feelings as i go through the registration.
I was directed to the waiting area to see my Doctor. The frontline staff try to make the environment less tense as she told me thereās a coffee machine and magazine at the left side corner. But i wasnāt a fan of coffee. I didnāt went to take. Instead i sat in a small corner of the room, waiting..
While i was waiting, i looked around the waiting area and started observing the people or patients who is also waiting for to see the Doctor. I began coming up with assumptions of my own of what they are going through. Just for self-entertaining.
I was still not called in. Getting sleepy at this moment, i began surfing fb, Instagram in my phone. But soon it dies off, and i probably dozed off awhile.
I was filled with nauseous in my stomach as one by one patient are being called in. I started to have the feeling of backing out, running away from seeing the doctor. All of sudden, i just donāt wish to go through that session. A session whereby i will be completely naked inside my soul infront of a person i donāt even know. It makes me sick inside that i just wish time will pass slower and slower.
My name was called. I dragged my feet into the room. Inside the room i was terrified. I didnāt know what to say or where to start. But the Doctor make it easier for me by starting to ask questions. I probably missed out a few details due to nervous and blank mind. I kept thinking to myself if this doctor is judging me.
My session was done. I was confirmed to have BPD, and was referred for counseling sessions. I was given medicine for my mood stability and some pills for my trouble sleeping at night. I probably felt relived after stepping out of the room as the session ended.
As i finished collecting the medicine, i went back to office to update my supervisor. I pretended i was fine and everything. Told them i was confirmed with the BPD diagnosis and was referred for counseling sessions. All in all, they just wished me well. But somehow or rather, i felt i am some weirdo in the group..
This few days, my mood kept going up and down. And it got worse whereby i had relapse in my dream. I actually hurt myself while Iām sleeping. I just got scared by myself, by this illness. It got scarier and scarier each time.. This time i knew its not just a illness, its a lifetime demon staying inside you..
