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nic, 22; the crumbs of my heart | ko-fi

[myelocin]

hello (⭒•͈ 𓎺 •͈ ) | ko-fi | COMMISSIONS OPEN! 

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the unconventional heartbreak - gojo satoru

home, eventually - toji fushiguro

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grids in the sky - matsukawa issei

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heartbeats - miya atsumu

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𓅇 WEEKLY LYRICS:

“So I will not ask you, why you were creeping-- In some sad way I already know.”

- Like Real People Do; Hozier

MINORS DNI WITH MY NSFW

[myelocin]

Hello. I saw your post and let me say i'm so sorry that i can't contribute to this. I swear I would do anything i can because I have the exact same condition and I know how this feels. I'll just give you some advice though. Can you try eating only fruits (and very little vegetables) for a week. You'll see a lot of difference. My skin is almost completely cleared up after a week and i've been doing this for 3 months. After a week of only fruits and vegetables, add rice or grain related items for a week. If you body starts reacting negatively to grains (which i doubt it would) stop grains and move onto chicken. Repeat cycle. Then add beef and mutton. Then move onto dairy products. I know this might be difficult to follow, and headaches might increase, but you can drink coffee for that. This treatment helped me so much, and no medicine was needed. If you want the treatment to move faster, you can drink gooseberry juice too. Just contact your dermatologist too, if you can. If your skin clears up, massage the effected places, once there is skin. Do the massaging for a week and if it flares up again, you know that more detoxing is needed. I know this may seem annoying, commading or whatever, but I swear i'm trying to help you. I really hope this works because it did for me, and I understand your pain. Also, try using Bioderma, but if Sebamed works better, I understand. Everyone has different skin types. Mustela is great too.

there’s nothing to be sorry for! boosting/reblogging helps tremendously 🫶 and you’re not being commanding at all!! i kept a screenshot of this ask in my notes bc so far i’ve only been taking prednisone/changing diet and really focusing on anti inflammatory food. ive been able to tolerate my flareups when they do come but idk why this one is more aggressive than the others 😅😅 but thank you so much for this!!! advice helps just as much as getting comms so thank you times a hundred! giving u a big big big virtual hug! (also thank u for boosting/reblogging i saw ur tags too and its absolutely alright!!! thank u)

[myelocin]

Oh my sweet Nic <3 you have been on my mind, in my prayers, and are regularly on my heart! im so sorry you’re dealing with this and i know skin conditions can be so devastating. sending you so much love and strength!

def!! never knew my pain tolerance was this high until this recent flareup 🥲 i think i’ll be able to handle a sleeve tat now 🚶‍♀️🚶‍♀️🤣 but thank u my love i appreciate u so much 🫶 🫂

[myelocin]

i've sort of vanished off of the face of tumblr but i got a notification that you posted smth today and it made me happy because you used to be one of my favorite writers on here. anyways how are you?

hello!! how are u! i’m doing better!! thank u sm for checking in ;3;

[myelocin]

I’m glad to hear from you but please don’t ever feel like you owe anyone an explanation for anything ever. I hope that you’re able to have the tools and the time to heal and get back to a comfortable place in your life, physically and mentally

thank you so much! i like to be open with chu all honestly 🥲 i dont really update anyone irl so letting u all in this rollercoaster era of my health life feels pretty natural im ngl 😆 i consider u all family at the end of the day

[myelocin]

thought of you today and wanted to come visit, im giving you the biggest virtual hug rn! skin conditions are a b*tch to deal with

thank you so much! recently got out of the hospital bc a flareup cracked my skin p much and it got infected 🚶‍♀️ im a penguin w pepperoni skin but makki still loves me so issokays!!! i hope youre doing well these days!

[myelocin]

tw: mentions of suicide

this past week has been a rollercoaster of even shittier dips bc of (the same root problem i unfortunately cannot get away from). and it’s hit me even worse than all the other times. what i went through just prompts me to come here to hopefully get the message across to somebody who may resonate w it now that i am speaking and thinking with a clearer head. three days ago i could barely speak clearly. i was angry, hurt, extremely terrified—above all, exhausted. but i feel the need to say this bc i feel that this is an unspoken problem a lot of us unknowingly carry:

you are not responsible for people and their actions. the burden is not on you if somebody tries to off themselves. you are not evil for establishing boundaries, ceasing contact, and curating your space to serve your peace and wellbeing.

the “im gonna k*ll myself so this is the last time i’ll ever msg u for a favor,” is a line i have heard my own father and sibling say to me time and time again every time i didn’t do what they wanted me to do. i used to feel so heavy all the time because of it. i felt chained in my environment. that threat felt like a creeping ghost that would sit on my shoulders everyday, trading shadows for flesh, growing so heavy it became tangible. and it did. this past week i felt like i was the devil. like i pulled the biggest sin because i wasn’t patient enough. i wasn’t kind enough. i wasn’t lenient with my own boundaries—for family— enough.

i thought keeping my space and staying no contact would be a temporary fix until i could get to somewhere more permanent. but i carried those words and wore them like they were my own self inflicted wounds. and they are not. i love my family so much. i hate that we are beyond repair. i hate that i let myself endure their mistreatment for over fifteen years. i hate that i tried to reshape myself into different forms of patience and strength when really i am just soft. i am tired; i am not angry nor vengeful; i am just nicole. more than anything i want to sit home for a week or two and just write for a while. i want to eat good food, sip a sweet drink, and sleep without feeling burdened by things that were pointed at me like weapons since i was so young.

i really….thought shit like that are just passing comments. perhaps to those who are more mentally tough. but i am just soft. i don’t want anyone to get hurt. none of this is my fault, and none of their misfortunes have ever been because of me. for god’s sake neither of them have ever supported me and i’m here making an honest living building life in a space away from all the energy that’s tried to drain me. i say and acknowledge that now with a thought process that isn’t as shaky as it was a few days ago.

idk things are changing, life is changing, and i am trying my best to grow stronger instead of become more and more drained. i want to apologize for now writing here as much either and just focusing on comms. tldr my company changed policy and tho i completed training i wont get a client assigned until jan 2023 since others have been pushed up and are more prioritized. things are just rocky rn. i will be here to write and tell stories again. just please bear w me a little bit longer. i love u all. myelocin is a safe space; a cozy corner; a nook where we all can just nap and chat and remind each other that life is swell. i miss u all sm.

[myelocin]

hellow my beloved nic <3 a reminder that you deserve the entire world and that your achievements deserve to be celebrated and that the universe is so very lucky to have you <3

i know people say you are sayang, but i just wanted to tell you that in malay, sayang means love and for me, you are always love and nothing less

the fact that u somehow always know the exact things to say when i need it the most 🥺 thank u for the constant validation and reminders that feel like pure love and patience ann. ily to the next universe and back a billion times

[myelocin]

nic, random question, do you think it’s okay to consciously miss an assignment when you’re sick ? (sorry if this came out as rude.. i’m really nervous about this and i don’t have anyone else to ask, and you always answer your anons kindly T-T) *also feel free to ignor if it makes you cringe / uncomfortable

my love never feel as if u have to tread carefully around here!! this is a space for u too! (you’re not cringe and im not uncomfortable at all so please ease the mind of that hehe) and hmmmm i think it would have to depend on how imp the assignment is 🥲 if you really cant get it done/not able to(?) maybe u call email ur teacher in advance and let them know your situation?

i hope you’re taking care of yourself tho! pls feel better soon!! :(

[myelocin]

if u feel like u embarrassed urself today just know that i called the coach “tatay” the entire 2 hours i was there this morning. tatay is like a rlly wholesome way to say father

[myelocin]

i used to make fun of ppl who cry ab men but now that the past 3 months of my life has been a cycle of me crying about the same man who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about me i now understand

[hostilewitness-inactive]

"ew reader insert is so cringe" "who reads self insert? 🤢"

if you feel that way you're legally not allowed to enjoy any self-insert video games either, congrats. no stardew, no dating sims, no pokemon, no animal crossing, etc. etc. ect. openly shitting on people who read/create self-insert stories only shows other people how shitty of a person you are lol what is even the point other than to make someone harmlessly enjoying something feel humiliated???

[myelocin]

the only silverlining in my life is my new gym is a 3 min walk from my house

[myelocin]

You said it feels as if you try to sit in a room with love and are never left a seat– but what if the love in the room is *you*, it exists in thr manifestation of you, materialized in your form, shape and flesh. Life is tough and seeing the things you’ve gone through, things you have to deal with even now breaks mh heart, angers me and I hope that in the very near future you get a chance to experience the very same love you always offer without waiting for anything in return.

Of all the people I know, you might have the biggest heart out of them all, love you forever Nic. Take care of yourself and treat yourself kindly with love. – @voidcat

im walking to the gym right now and had a really bad breakdown last night but i have half the mind to turn back around walk home and cry in my room bc you always manage to say things that soothe exactly what’s been hurting 🥲😔 i love you forever

[voidcat]

Maybe a silly thought to have but I think one of the greatest influences I’ve had in life to help me grasp love as a concept, with all its small and big things, the enjoying of even the most mundane in life was Nicole and her writing (and I say this as someone in a long term relationship)

How vast and beautiful it can be, with all kinds of variations, each manifesting in a different form, surrounding us even when we do not notice. And most of the time, we don’t, maybe that’s the sad part of it. But be it fleeting or an everlasting memory etched into your brain for ever, it is there, existing, amidst that gap inside you. Sometimes it just requires a little work on your part, it needs you to look for it– but not force it out, that scares it, creates these high standards that can never be matched.

I don’t know where I am going with this post, last night i had a clearer idea on what to say, an hour later, all gone. Maybe I just want to ramble, or to feel again by writing the words down. Express my gratitude to Nic for being in my life, for showing to me a side of love and pretty much being one of the main (if not The main) reason this blog exists, and continues to do so.

[inkskinned]

in this light, what have they fed you?

when you're very, very quiet, sometimes the truth of it starts glinting in the river water: all this time, and you're still choking on grief.

ironic, you are so good at taking care of others. almost second-nature; you listen carefully. you try to help, always. where did you learn that when someone else is in pain, it's your responsibility? that you must be the one to take it in, to sublimate it, to make something good from it.

it almost feels like you're just balancing a scale - you sense you are somehow guilty of something, just-for-being. you can untilt that scale, as long as you are permanently helping.

it is possible to starve for love while eating out of the hand of someone you care for. birds gorge on bread and die hungry.

other people shove their anxieties and hurt and misery down your throat, and you just. swallow it. you keep it in your belly and try to turn it into something; try to burn it like coal.

sometimes you wake up and think oh, i see. the rest of me is just smoke.

[myelocin]

after a year the only question i have left is did i exist at all