Stacking L’s or are they W’s?
Wow has it been a rocky ride! Suddenly realizing that anyone who remotely knows me, will probably be able to deduce who those people are. But w.e. no one knows this link exists. At least if they do, they haven’t told me sooooo, I’ll just continue using these aliases.
“Ju” dang wow, kinda sad just thinking about it. She returned from her travels abroad only to hop right into this man’s arms. Can’t really complain since I did actively choose to not seize the chance I had to be with her. But at the same time, kinda makes me feel sad that I was so easily gotten over? Or maybe w.e. we had was really insignificant. Either way, I can’t be really surprised either since, w.e. we had seemed shockingly soon after her previous breakup. But considering all my concerns in my last post, I feel like I shouldn’t be lamenting over this so much and live with my decisions. It's not like my previous concerns instantly evaporated the moment she started her most recent relationship. But it is still a little sad to think that the boy she’s with could have been me. I can’t help but compare myself to him and let me tell you, there is no comparison HAH. He’s handsome, fit, charismatic. He’s got his own flair and rides his own ride, I look up to him myself. So props to both of them, I really hope the best for them. On a slightly related note, we have hangout a couple of times in a group setting, and it's apparent the chemistry we once had no longer exists. Maybe its something about how flirtatious we were with each other that made it seem so comfortable, and now knowing that’s now inappropriate, what fills the remaining space is tense, guarded, and forced. I can’t be myself as much around her.
“A” Wow, I have truly still not fully processed the events that have transpired. We hang out once at the beginning of the summer, and we stopped as we both got increasingly busy with summer teams. I didn’t think much of it since I was so busy with my duties, I never paused to consider the fact that damn, we haven’t hung out in a long time. Once the Summer winded down, and fall started up. She freed up and asked me to get drinks. I was happy, it had been a long time, and I wanted to catch up. We went to East Bay Spice Company and spent 2 hours talking about everything: work, life, dance, goals, etc. Then we approached the subject of our personal lives, and she revealed to me that she still had feelings and she didn’t like that. And since they weren’t going away naturally, she wanted to pursue more drastic measures, and never talk to me. Blocking me on everything, including Venmo?? Like what? In the moment, I was shocked and was still really just locked in the happy mode I had been in the past 2 hours, I was understanding and appreciated her honesty. A couple of hours later, feelings of betrayal hit and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was guilty of making her like me, that It was my fault she still had feelings. From that moment on, I no longer felt comfortable being around her, this fear that anything I did or said would affect how much she liked me. That it would prevent her from getting over me. I passed up on hanging out with friends if I knew she would be there and I eventually started feeling really depressed that I wasn’t in these social circles I could have been in. Every time I saw an Insta post or story, I’d get sad to see her hanging out with people that had just invited me to come along with them. Now its gotten to the point where they don’t ask me anymore haha, and that’s just a whole new flavor of suck.
She’s since reached out to me, but I personally want to have nothing to do with her. I don’t believe I could even look her in the eyes without feeling the responsibility of maybe I’m making her feel uncomfortable. I’M UNCOMFORTABLE what?? I feel like I need to see a psychologist at this point, cuz know I’m avoiding something instead of fixing it LOL. I’m just not sure what that is. Why am I so reluctant to amend our relationship?
She’s since messaged me saying that she’s over me saying she’s over me. And that she feels bad for preventing me from hanging out with the friends I used to hang out with and that she wants me at her birthday party since I was undeniably a large part of her life this year and a great friend. But the truth is, I’m okay now, forgoing these friends and not celebrating with her? Not even that, I’d rather forgo these friends and her as a friend than repairing our relationship? Someone psychoanalyze me, please. I feel like the crux of it is that she broke my trust and did something no friend would do, cut one off, and make me feel like it's my fault and responsibility that she’s into me? And even if we do repair our friendship, what's preventing it from happening again? I guess I feel like she doesn’t offer much to me in terms of friendship that it's worth repairing over since there's a risk it’ll just fall apart again.
I titled this as maybe being W’s since these girls most likely don’t offer me much anyway and would have gotten in the way of something better. namely, self-love.
Anyway, I’ve reinstalled Hinge and Tinder, and sending cheesy fun pickup lines to random strangers.
