mygentleexistence

[mygentleexistence]

Fleeting

My life is fleeting. into a million pieces.

I am like my mother. A chaotic wonder. Filled to the brim with emotions.

My cup overflows with generations of color. With love, with anger, with passion, with hurt, with forgiveness. The entire spectrum. Whole-heartedly bleeding; bursting at its seams.

I wonder, sometimes, if my life will be like my mother's. If I, too, will leave early because i have already given so much of me.

Her life line was snipped with the sharpest pair of scissors. An audible stop. A screeching of breaks. What was once full of life and technicolor madness, had become a reversal of an ink blot in water - sucked away.

The impact of her existence was like a rumbling of thunder. She existed in every crevice of the people in her life. Her fears and anxieties were not seen, rather a friendly face to embrace you. She was a force in her community, the beat of a drum in our family - causing sheer mayhem, but always resuscitating us with sweet oxygen. She was beauty, she was grace.

She loved me - endlessly, painfully, agonizingly. It was unconditional.

And now me. I have her mannerisms. I have her habits and her hair, both frazzled.

I feel her in my steps. I am living out my mother's life. And I am in awe that I was wonderfully made, knitted stitch by stitch in her womb.

But in lieu of this, I am constantly in wonder. Will I leave as fleetingly as my mother? One day I will for sure... but so swiftly? Will I? As soft as a whisper, as empty as a carafe? Is it my destiny?

And yet, in a humorous way, I would be honored to leave in such way. A loyal and surrendering way. I love my mother, I want to be reunited with her.

As the seasons go, I watch leaves fall and leaves grow. Life bursts in technicolor starburst. And I see that my mother's love is embedded into the lace of my fingerprints, in the beating of my heart, and is interlocked into my timeline. Fleeting or not, she is with me.

[mygentleexistence]

we'll never have sex by leith ross

depollute me, pretty baby suck the rot right out of my bloodstream oh, dilute me, gentle angel water down what I call being grateful

oh, you kissed me just to kiss me not to take me home it was simple, it was sweetness it was good to know you look perfect, you look different i don't wonder about your indifference if I said you could never touch me you'd come over and say I looked lovely oh, you kissed me just to kiss me not to make me cry it was simple, you are sweetness let's just sit a while depollute me, gentle angel and I'll feel the sickness less and less come and kiss me, pretty baby like we'll never have sex

[mygentleexistence]

meet me in new york

I'm flying to New York this October. Will you meet me there?

Did you get my message? We're playing telephone - through people, through pictures...

I'll be there, walking with the suede leather jacket that I thrifted. My bangs will be cut and my hair will be long - the wind will whip through it.

I'll be walking amongst the skyscrapers, watching the birds soar through the buildings. I'll wonder where you are, and if you've booked a ticket. It's only an hour away by plane.

I'll be clenching my bag, looking up every three seconds to see a sea of people rushing to get somewhere or to someone. And I'll just be sitting there wondering if you're rushing to me too.

I'll be walking down central park. The trees dark, leaves withering down like feathers. Bikes will whiz by and I'll only notice the clicking of my feet.

And I hope during that walk, I'll hear clicking of another set of footsteps...

And when my eyes lift, I want to turn around and set my gaze on you.

[mygentleexistence]

"i'm going to marry you. wait for me."

what am I to you?

I'm wondering because there are words spilling out of your mouth. about how you want me about how our meeting was a life-altering moment.

I'm wondering because I'm watching you say these things, yet I don't know if they're true. How do I trust what you're saying? I've heard a version of these words before. Just maybe never this direct.

what am I supposed to do now? ...now that you've asked me to wait for you. Am I supposed to put my life on hold for someone I just met? Or do I choose to ignore you and go about my life like you didn't happen? I hate the way I feel right now.

Do I text you or not? Do we chat, yes or no? What do you want to do...what do you want from me!!!!

H,

Did you say these words to every other girl, too? I don't know and I won't until I ask you when you decide to come back again.

I don't want you to ruin my life. I've already had that happen before and the work I put in to get to this point was so grueling. I don't want to make the same mistakes as before. I'm sorry to say this, but I don't want to suffer like my mother and wander like my father. I want someone to take care of me. Are you sure you can be that person?

You say that you love the Lord, but do your actions show it? Does your life outside reflect the word that you claim to trust in? I wanna know and I wanna see it - loud and clear, so clear that I could read it like a document.

When our lips met, what did you feel? Did you feel like we got too ahead of ourselves? I meant it as a keepsake. So that you could have something for the trip back. It was short, you could even say it was nothing. But I hope you remember me for it.

I have this sickening feeling now that you're gone. You're definitely on my mind and it's going to take at least two weeks for the thought of you to fade (I'm good at giving myself timelines now...). Will you come back for me like you said? Or were you fooling around? I want to see.

[mygentleexistence]

to love is to be changed.

to love you, I imagine, is heavenly... What are you to me already?

to be with you, I think, is a continual flutter on a warm summer's eve.

to know you, I assume, is like a magnetic force that humbly gives into its natural attraction.

It's the thought of you that's intoxicating me. It was your stare... how you held it. How you're aware that we're in the same room.

You are a beacon of hope. A mirror of something I'm striving for. A reflection of all my values, funneled into a man.

Where will this go? When will the arrow hit the bullet? At what point of this timeline will our days clash... when will our embrace come true... when will our lips meet?

I want to approach you gently. I see you - I see the person you are and in place, the person you were when you were little. I see the struggles that shaped you.

And me. I see me in you. That little girl, as sensitive as it gets. Could you be.. are you.. finally something I could call mine?

Please don't wrong me.. not like the last one. I mean, I was not half the woman I am today, but still. I've carefully wrapped away my heart. I've been really really good, but I don't think I can take another rip. It's already been sutured a couple of times.

All that suffering and hardship. It was for something. And I'm hoping that it's you. To put it simply, I've been searching after healing. Yearning for something and it almost seems like this is the real thing.

I thought loving someone was burning red.. but it's golden. And I feel like I've reached the jackpot.

We're five feet away. A stare. A sliver. Michelangelo's reach of hands. We're here waiting for the tick of the clock to be just right.

[mygentleexistence]

다민오빠,

잘 지내지? 한국갔다며. 군대 신청했다며.. 오랜만에 오빠 생각 나네. 그동안 많이 어려웠어?

우리도 이 좁은 도시에서 살면서도 그 오랜시간 안에 한번만 마주쳤다, 그치?

우리가 다시 만나면..오빠한테 아는척 안할거같다고 했었지? 결국엔 진짜 안했네, 미안.

그 순간엔 내가 어려워했어.

많은 일들이 나타났어. 마음도 아팠고. 많이 울기도하고... 그렇게 지냈다.ㅋㅋ

오빠가 이제서야 마음먹고 한국 갔다니 나도 괜히 쓸쓸해..

한국에서 맛있는거 먹고, 예쁜곳도 구경하고, 건강해.

너가 나한테 상처를 만들어 냈어도.. 그래도 보고싶었어. 잘살길 바래. 기도할게.

좋은분도 만나서 이쁜 사랑해줘요.!

--

인생은 어려운거같아. 많이 어려운거같아.

근데 오빠,

오빠가 진짜 어렵게 산건 알아. 그 마음 내가 알아. 오빠가 이제 잘 살았으면 좋겠어. 가볍게. 뭉치지않게. 사랑스럽게.

언젠간 우리도 한번 이야기 나눌수있을까? 아니면 여기서 끊어진걸 수도 있네..

암튼... 가볍게 살아, 가볍게.

-김해인이가.

[mygentleexistence]

At times, there are no more words. And all you can do is sit in silence... to bask in the thickness of it.

[mygentleexistence]

A Starburst's End

I came on here to write, but the things I wrote are so sad. But all in good faith - now I'm at the other side.

To see fruit flourish from the tree, pruning has to be done. And that's all that that was. Pruning. And thank God that He saved me out of what I desperately wanted.

Still, I can't deny that all my feelings were true. But feelings can only take you so far. And now, I don't even know what he's doing or if he still lives down the street. That's fine.

It's just like Tom said, "He has to be dead to you."

And even more so now, Tom is also dead to me.

I guess that's just how things work out.

[mygentleexistence]

should i buy a house there

[mygentleexistence]

nippon!

The radio silent subway: the commute home. The (safe) walk through staccato-ed orange lights - The stop at the convenience store. An ice cream cone in hand. A slight nod for the office worker. The rest of the walk into the dimly lit studio.

It lingers...

[mygentleexistence]

25 in Summer!

I’m loving the summer. How my messy hair goes crazy through the hot wind when I open my car windows. The skies are blue and all I’m thinking is what I’ll be eating tomorrow. I want to be in peace forever and I want to bask in God’s love for me. Every season has shown it’s beauty - or maybe I just wasn’t paying attention to it all this time. To be 25 and to take it all in. It’s good to be alive.

[mygentleexistence]

And now i’m thinking that maybe it’s just a common name and not a coincidence.

[mygentleexistence]

어쩌면 내가 갑자기 남들이 뒤에서 말하는 또라이 여자가 됬내? 

나도 모르게... 나에 대해서 소문이 났나봐. 그리고 나는 어쩔수가 없다. 느낄만큼 다 느끼고, 사랑 해줄수 만큼 다 했었다. 그게 죄가되어서 아플만큼.. 너가 소문을 퍼져야 했을만큼, 나도 다 아프고 참았다. 

[mygentleexistence]

Maybe you’ll never read this but...I just met the middle of my book today and it made me think of us. 

Your smell, your voice.. the way you stroked my hair while I slept.

And the way I see you -

In blocks of colors, changing in motion - the way I can picture you walking down the street.. or the way your wrist moves when you paint.

I miss seeing you.

I knew that I was going to miss seeing you again. Even when you told me that white lie that we’d see each other that week. I knew I’d have to start missing you then and there..again.

What do I do? What do I do when I have a crippling feeling that this person loves me back, but can’t or won’t let himself admit it? 

Or am I wrong? So wrong to the point where he has to shun me out of his life? Am I the crazy one here?

I told him that I wish I never met him, but that was such a bold-faced lie that I wish I could just swallow back up. Maybe I am a good liar. 

And now I’m crying again..because this story is so sad. And I know I have to get over it. And I know time has passed. But the feeling comes in waves and every time it comes, my heart peels - like how a tulip’s pedal falls - one painful layer at a time. 

[mygentleexistence]

i just want to run for miles and miles and miles and miles - enough for me to run straight into the sun. I don’t want to see anything but ahead. My mind is too busy i just want to run away from it all!!!!!!!

[mygentleexistence]

the big fat butchered urge to

get out of LA.

[mygentleexistence]

Godspeed Corporate Workers; In All Aspects

“This above all: to thine ownself be true.” - Hamlet; Shakespeare

The Shakespearean quote to be true...to thine ownself - conflicting directly with today’s work and societal culture. Though our world is slowly orbitting into a way where people are working at home, the CEO of our small scale company refuses to let its employees do the same. A result of an undeniable want for control and severe lack of trust. And so collectively, we sit and type away at our button boards, staring at flickering light boxes made up of a trillion pixels, complemented with a pointer for the boxes that is shaped so the work that is being done doesn’t vastly destroy the natural biology of the way humans move. Every passing day, we sit here, with our legs crossed, dismantling the curvature of our spines and building the cataracts in our eyes. To work in a corporate function - I realize - is not just to invest our skills and time, but to invest the mobility, function, brain, and your very will into the company of your choosing. It’s just marketed in a way that’s good. Like how lobsters were re-marketed - it used to be seen as the cockroaches of the sea; now a delicacy. In a way, I am working to market the ultimate marketer - and also marketing myself to him. And although I am vital for his business’ vitality, I am merely a pond in his game of coffee monopoly. He’s going to eventually lose the game, though. He just doesn’t see it yet. He’s driving his institution to the ground - to say the very least.

To whoever is reading - This above all: to thine ownself be true. Finding the joy and vitality in your own skillset and work is most rewarding. Find purpose in the work that is being done even though it calls for your whole body and life to invest in it. And I guess this is a memo for myself. So that I can find a sliver of purpose in serving the people around me...here... even though it calls for body decay, even if it is a mission far greater than myself. I call for Godsend. For Godspeed.