i feel like im already tired tomorrow @mynameisfleece - Tumblr Blog

Panic! At the thought of my friends secretly hating me

Some late night anxiety thoughts

When I was a kid, maybe 7 or 8, my mom rented Titanic from Blockbuster. It was a special treat because Titanic came with 2 VHS tapes. Yes, I am old hahah. We watched it together and and we both cried so hard our eyes were swollen and puffy. We then rewatched it a bunch more times afterward before returning the tapes. I remember loving the first VHS and hating the second one. I hated that the second tape even had to happen. Why couldn’t it have a happy ending? Why did all those people have to die?

These are the types of things that worried my 8 year old self. I was so sad for these people to have to die out in the cold empty, some alone and terrified. I imagined what it would be like to die like that. What would I think about? How would I spend my last hours on the earth? I was terrified at the thought. After watching the film a couple of times, I began to get anxious when the ship began sinking and the lower desks filled with water. The scene with Rose trying to get to Jack, water rushing in and getting higher, Rose yelling his name and then both of them trying to get back up above deck. My panic set in and I was there with them. Clinging to the hope of survival. My worst fear now known and realized. An 8 year old.

I can still easily imagine the hallway filling with water, being forced to swim, getting ready to hold my breath and any moment. I used to practice holding my breath when the characters do, to see if I could survive it. I developed a fear of open water, mainly the ocean. I refused to go near it, thinking any second I could be swallowed up, lost, and forgotten. Though I don’t think I fear the ocean in the same way anymore, I still have those ideas caught in my head. 20 years later. The fear of being lost, forgotten, and alone. Swallowed up by the empty cold abyss.

I can’t believe I’ve felt this for so long. I wonder if it will ever end. If I’ll ever get to feel safe again. I hope one day I’ll be able to be free of this paralyzing fear. I’m just not there yet. I still see the rising water at the bottom of the ship. I’m still trapped there. 20 years and counting.

#mynameisfleece #personal #note to self

🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿

cashier: I’m sorry it’s going to be a 5 minute wait for your food

old people: let me speak to your manager. This never would have happened in my day. And yet you all want the minimum wage raised. I’m going to kill you.

cashier: I’m sorry it’s going to be a 5 minute wait for your food

millennials: okay, my apologies. I apologize for the inconvenience. I’m sorry I’m here.

chasing-asterion

me, walking into a store: are you guys busy? i can come back later. please don’t push yourselves on my account. things happen

weirdo-of-the-day

I don’t know if this is an anxiety thing, a millennial thing, or an ‘I’ve worked in retail/food service and understand your pain’ thing, but I am ALWAYS patient with customer service workers. Shit goes wrong all the time. They can’t control it. Be patient and most importantly, be nice!

movie-gifs

Scary Movie (2000) dir. Keenen Ivory Wayans

destroymylife

mapcus-deactivated20180524

Me talking to myself in the morning: okay bitch, get the fuck up

Literally me

Because it has come to my attention that apparently a lot of people weren’t taught proper tipping etiquette so here’s what I was taught.

Always tip at least 20%.

If you got something in a special or had a coupon, you tip on the price you would have payed, not the price you did pay.

At breakfast always tip 25%. Breakfast is never as expensive as dinner and your waitress shouldn’t be shortchanged because you got $5 eggs instead of a $10 sandwich.

If you keep a table for longer than an hour, add 10% for every hour you keep the table. It’s great that you’re catching up with a friend you haven’t seen in ten years, but you’re fucking over the waitress by staying for four hours. Every hour you’re there you’re costing her money. Make it worth her time.

We all know to tip 20%, but as someone who works as a cook and often talks to the waiters, no one seems to know about the rest. This is what my dad taught me and this is what I’ll teach my children. Be respectful to your waiters. Don’t undertip. They need to eat too.