Season 1: The first time it happens itâs to forget. Forget the sight of his girlfriend pinned to the ceiling being consumed by fire. So he takes advantage of his brother. His devoted brother who would give him anything. Even this. He spreads his legs and lets his big brother sink into his body. And hopes that the same arms that saved him from the fire can save him from himself.
Season 2: The second time it happens itâs out of grief. Grief, that their father tangled them up so much that they canât live without the other. That his big brother will once again walk into the fire to save him. So he lets Dean take. Take anything that he wants from his body, and pretends his tears are only of pleasure and not heartbreak over his poor brother.
Season 3: The third time it happens itâs out of fear. Fear that heâs going to lose him. That heâs going to let down this man that has raised him, and loved him, and protected him. That his promises will be broken and heâll be left all alone in the world. So he worships Dean. Worships his big brother as if he was a God before he takes him into his body. Wishing his arms could be strong enough to save him from the fire.
Season 4: The fourth time it happens itâs out of anger. Anger that Dean doesnât understand heâs not the only one that went through hell. That he judges his drinking of demon-blood without understanding that he needs it to be strong enough so no one can separate them again. So he attacks. First with words then punches and kicks, scratches and bite marks. He attacks until theyâre both covered in bruises and blood and his big brother has pushed him unto the motel room floor and re-claimed him.
Season 5: The fifth time it happens itâs goodbye. If everything goes well Lucifer will be gone. And so will he. So he asks. Asks to be held and loved one last time by his brother before selfishly asking him to keep living, to make a life without the person he canât live without.
Season 6: The sixth time it happens he doesnât remember. He dreams of rough hands and teeth that sink into his neck until the ownerâs mouth is filled with blood, of pleasure and pain as his body is roughly taken.
(Years later heâll pretend to be surprised when Dean confesses heâs the owner of the rough hands and sharp teeth from his dreams. And heâll pretend to believe him when he says it only happened one time.)
Season 7: The seventh (and eighth and ninth and tenth) time it happens itâs to anchor himself to reality. His brotherâs touch saving him from the fire once again. Â He concentrates on green eyes and the fingers gripping his hips until he can no longer feel the hellfire licking at his skin.
Season 8: The eight-time it happens itâs out of jealousy. His brother is sneaking around with a vampire, and for the first time in his life he fears his position in his big brotherâs life will be replaced. So he kicks and claws, he uses every dirty trick he knows until heâs managed to pin Dean to the ground at the dock; he rips his brothers shirt off and marks every inch of his chest and neck as he thrusts against his brotherâs clothed cock.
Season 9: The ninth time it happens he wants to punish his brother. Wants to make him hurt for being a manipulative bastard who let an angel possess his body. He wields his tongue like a whip and delights in seeing his usually strong big brother crumble under his harsh words, he manipulates him into bed under pretenses of wanting to fix things and breaks him with bite marks and scratches until heâs bruised and bleeding. He takes and takes and takes what he wants from his brotherâs body then limps away with Deanâs seed dripping out of him and the taste of his tears on his tongue.
Season 10: Â The tenth time it happens itâs forgiveness. Itâs pain. Itâs fear. If he doesnât find a cure heâll once again lose his big brother; he canât fail as he did years ago. He guides Dean with gentle hands to the bedroom where heâll whispers words of comfort and forgiveness as his big brother rocks into him; heâll look into greens eyes and tell himself that this time he wonât fail, that heâll save his brother as his brother has saved him so many times before.
Season 11: The eleventh time is worship. Itâs confirmation that their hearts are still beating, that blood is flowing through their veins. He knows that his ever self-sacrificing brother did something while he thought he was dead, a deal or a trade, but for now heâll play along, pretend that he believes Dean when he says he didnât do anything and instead let himself relish in being in his big brothers arms again where heâll be worshiped with soft kisses and lovingly prepped by his big brother until heâs sobbing for more.
Season 12: The twelve time it happens he seeks protection. Those same arms that saved him from the fire and from himself so many years ago will keep the devil away. Lucifer is out there somewhere, but he knows as long as heâs in his brotherâs arms nothing can hurt him. No monsters or demons or angels, Heaven and Hell can try but nothing can get past his big brother, not even Lucifer himself; Â he draws his nails down Deanâs back and pulls him even closer until thereâs no space between their bodies and heâs pressed into the bed by his brothers weight, feeling protected from the rest of the world with his brother between his legs.
Season 13: The thirteenth time itâs playful. He doesnât know how he let himself be talked into this, of all the things theyâve done before somehow this, letting his brother fuck him while stuck in a favorite childhood cartoon, seems the most wrong but heâd be lying if he said he didnât love every second  of Deanâs perverse childlike glee as he explores their cartoon bodies.
Season 14: The fourteenth time itâs a pact. He rocks on his brothers lap and swears if no other way is found and Dean insists on throwing himself in the ocean, heâs following him down whether along inside the box or with a bullet in his head. He wonât let death separate them. Not again.
Season 15: The fifteenth time is affirmation. This is the one thing they know is real; their love and devotion to one another is real, their relationship is real, itâs not some ruse by God. Dean takes him, claims him in the Impala, on the Bunker table, on the floor, on their bed, rough fucks turn into gentle love making; this is the one thing Chuck canât take away from him and his brother, they wonât let him.
