This Too, Shall Pass....Not

This is exactly what it looks like. It's a place for me to vent about living with chronic illness.

[gia-francesca]

Okay but like how are you suppose to know that you should go to the ER when you’re chronically ill? Am I dying? Is this just a new symptom?? Who the fUck knows

[mynewsickworld]

Mornings

I have always been morning person. I used to wake at 5am and go to the gym. I used to wake before it was time to wake my kids just to sit in the quiet. Since I became sick 5 1/2 years ago I hate waking. It’s not a slow, relaxing process. It is eyes popping open because of the pain. It is wishing that I would never wake up because it’s too painful. It’s absolute misery yet I Hop up and pretend everything is just fine. I smile through the pain except when I hide in my bathroom and cry. It’s a living hell.

[mynewsickworld]

I just realized why sneezing makes me so happy. When I have a huge sneeze it disrupts the pain for a couple of minutes. It’s euphoric.

[mynewsickworld]

I want my good health back. I want my life back.

[mynewsickworld]

I don’t want to take medicines anymore.

[mynewsickworld]

Too much

I’m having one of those days where it’s just too much. Too much pain. Too much unkindness. Too much loneliness. Too much.....

[mynewsickworld]

I have blisters in my mouth and throat. I have an infected finger. I lost one of my punctual plugs. I feel like I’ve been run over. My hips are making it so hard to sleep. I have a tension headache in the right side of my head and face. This just isn’t fair. I need relief. I want to be put in the hospital and given heavy sedatives and pain meds for a week so my body and soul can get a break. #pain #chronicpain

[mynewsickworld]

Chronic illness/pain

I feel like I’m trapped in a tiny, foggy, molasses-filled bubble. I can move the bubble around with me but I can’t escape it.

[mynewsickworld]

Stranded

Going on 30 minutes sitting in the grocery store parking lot because I can’t find the energy to get out of my car.

Update- one hour. Thank God for heated seats and podcasts.

[mynewsickworld]

Faker

Checkout guy- how you doing?

Me- (smiling)fine, and you? (In so much pain that I'm almost doubling over)

[mynewsickworld]

Couldn't figure out why I'm so hot when it's only 70 degrees outside. It seems I've suddenly spiked a fever.

[mynewsickworld]

That one friend

I have a friend who checks on me. She acknowledges my suffering. She loves me as I am. I feel guilty because she's such a good friend and I'm not. I want to be but I'm not. She makes my life better and I'm so thankful for that.

[mynewsickworld]

Fatigue

I can barely keep my eyes open this week. I sleep and sleep but still feel exhausted. I'm even drinking caffeine just so I can complete the bare minimum.

[mynewsickworld]

Hips

Imagine a migraine in your hips when you try to sleep at night. Yep.

[mynewsickworld]

Ear nose throat

A year before I got seriously ill and hospitalized I was walking in the mall and all of the sudden I felt a pain just under my ear. It was like that feeling you get when you eat sour candy and you get that sharp pain. I reached up and actually felt it swelling. It was so bizarre. I called my friend who is a doctor and she had no answers. I almost went to the ER but, as usual, I ignored it. I know now that it was my parotid glands swelling. From that time my ent system was out of control. It started with constantly having to clear my throat. Then I was having trouble hearing bc my ear canal swells shut. I wake up with my throat dry and so sticky That I can't breathe. It's terrifying to wake up choking. I wake up every hour to drink water so I don't choke to death. Lately there is a thick layer of goo that coats my entire mouth, throat and sinus system. When I wake up it takes hours to clear it enough to not feel crazy. I have sores in my nose from the dryness and my breath is always horrible no matter how often I brush my teeth and tongue. These are secondary symptoms compared to the constant flu-like pain and horrible joint pain. Lately, for the first time ever, I've had trouble walking and using my hands. I have trouble sleeping because my hips ache so deeply. I'm 48. It terrifies me. I spent my entire life focusing on exercise and health until this happened. Now I can't find the strength to work out. People always say "at least it's not cancer". I agree that I'm glad it's not cancer. But I have horrible diseases with no cures. I am miserable every minute of every day. Sometimes I think that if I didn't have kids that the pain outweighs life. I'm not suicidal but I am exhausted, angry, heartbroken, alone.....very alone......and finding it harder every day to see the light. I know that no one I know never reads this but sometimes I just have to say it. I wish that I could say all of this to someone in my life who could offer me love, comfort and sympathy. You know what? I have something else to say. I'm a badass for doing what I do every single day feeling the way that I do. I also think that some greater power holds me up because I have no idea how I walk around smiling and pretending I'm ok when I'm so miserable.

[mynewsickworld]

Life with chronic illess

I can't believe it's 5 years later and I'm still doing this every day. I saw an old Facebook post I wrote a month after my first hospital stay. I said that I can't wait until I'm all better. I never got better. I got worse and worse. Recently my joint pain is much worse. I have trouble walking and tonight I had trouble pushing a shopping cart because my wrists hurt so much. I hate this shit.

[mynewsickworld]

The rims of my eyes feel like I've poured acid on them bc I don't make tears.