My Online Diarie

tmi on my life

[myonlinediarie]

Invited to Thanksgiving dinner

Apparently they seem to really like me.

(Yay!)

And they realize it’s serious between us so they’re “accepting it” whatever that means.

[myonlinediarie]

I think we’ve snapped back into it.

After we have good, in depth conversations about a particular topic, things get better.

Things definitely seemed a little weird earlier, but we could’ve just been having an out-of-sync day?

Those happen.

I think I need to relax.

Because even when I thought it was still weird he was talking about taking a trip with me next year (key words: next year).

Then we got into an in depth conversation about how people our age are just sitting on their asses.  Honestly he impresses me so much.  He’s really going to accomplish amazing things.  

And he really seemed to support my Masters and drive, which is nice since he’s taking it a step further.

But before he left (he is out of town and with his friend), he said:

“I love you so much.  You really are an amazing girlfriend and I’m really happy to have you in my life”

[myonlinediarie]

Worried.

Are we drifting apart?  Or did something happen?

Something just doesn’t feel right in the way we’re communicating.  It’s as if there is no love there...

It’s scaring me.  I love him with all of my heart.

Is it me?  Is it him?

It feels like he’s...distracted.  With everything though...work, gaming, others, eating.

I miss him.

Is it perhaps I haven’t seen him in so long?

Will it all be better tomorrow?

Can I even bring this up without being “insecure”?

[myonlinediarie]

Remember:

Me laying on his stomach and him stroking my hair saying we have so many places to travel to together.

[myonlinediarie]

Why is everything falling apart?

Rememebr how my “best friend” fucking came to my town and didn’t even tell me she was here?

Remember how everyone here is so lame?

Remember how she won’t respond to my texts?

[myonlinediarie]

I kind of want to send him that post about not wanting to have sex with me so he knows how I feel.

I can’t seem to communicate all of my thoughts to him while angry and crying and this is so nice and laid out.

[myonlinediarie]

BTW moving away apparently was a bad idea because things have changed (just like I didn’t want to happen).

And he told me to leave an emergency bag at his house for when I sleep over.

He’s changing the rules saying I can sleep over during the week just not everyday although that is NOT what he said.

I have to stop being such a pushover.

[myonlinediarie]

My boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with me.

This has been a recurring issue with us.

In the beginning of our relationship, I knew he wanted me.  It made me feel incredible.  He couldn’t keep his hands off of me and I loved it.  

I lost my virginity to him.  I knew he was not a virgin as I knew he had been in 2 serious relationships before me.  Recently, he decided to tell me the story of how he lost his virginity (would not recommend people) and it turns out he lost it at the tender age of 14.  That freaked me out.  I still think about it and am very weirded out by it.  Since I was already down that path, I asked him how many girls he’s slept with which he did not tell me.  Fishy fishy.

That being said, I don’t really know what happens as you have more sex and your relationship progresses and WHATEVER.  But basically, I am very very very fucking attracted to him and I want him and I want him to want me.  But idk what happened, and if it has to do with him losing his virginity and me losing mine so recently, but he’s on this kick of not having sex.

We’ve had sex once in the past two weeks.

We have fought about this a couple of times now.  He feels like all I want to do is have sex.  Even while we’re doing other fun things as a couple (which he says he’s really happy we do so many cool things together, and as am I) he says he feels I’d rather be having sex.  This is not true.  I just want him to want me.

I feel like he doesn’t want to have sex with me at all.  He argues that if he didn’t want to he wouldn’t.  But you can tell when someone just isn’t into it, you know?  I feel like he’s having sex with me just as a “chore” and to shut me and and make me “happy” so I don’t get into a tizz.  

And now we’re at the point that we’ve fought about it so many times that I can’t even bring it up anymore.

I’m left feeling dejected.  I can’t even try anymore because it makes me feel like shit.  And since I’m not, we’re not having sex.  I really really don’t feel wanted by my own boyfriend, and it sucks.  It’s like he’d always be doing something else or always has an excuse.

And so what if I have a really high sex-drive?  Isn’t that a good thing?  Are all guys like him or is there something wrong here?

And it seems like he avoids it.  Like he doesn’t make time for it AT ALL (much to my dismay of course).  And he makes up excuses like..he’s too full, he wants to sleep, we need to go to work, I was on my period conveniently the last time he was horny, he wants to look at the supermoon, it’s late, we have somewhere to be.  And then he makes promises like “we’ll finish this later” then adds in “maybe...no promises” when he sees that I get excited.  

I feel lame and disgusting and I know it’s perfectly natural TO WANT TO BANG MY OWN BOYFRIEND but he’s making me feel like I’m some kind of animal.

Oh and recall, folks, we were in a long distance relationship for 10 months of our relationship (thus, no sex...)

So I’m feeling quite unwanted.  He tells me I’m beautiful daily and kisses me so passionately whenever he sees me but never takes it further than some minor ass grabbing.  

I don’t know what to do.

Is it because I got “fat”?  

I’m currently experimenting and not trying at all with him.  But OH YEAH, the last time we got into a fight about this was because I knew he’d make me feel like shit for having sex with him so late at night so I wasn’t making out with him back, just toning it down with light kisses.

So yeah, I’m going to see how long this goes on for and lose some weight and see if that changes anything but holy shit, I need to feel wanted and sexy and like he can’t keep his hands off of me.  Like we are finally together and have the freedom to actually do it, and he just doesn’t want to.

Maybe it’s because he’s gained weight so his libido has gone down?  I guess that’s happened to me before...

But I doubt that.  I think it’s me.

ANY ADVICE OR COMMENTS APPRECIATED.

http://myonlinediarie.tumblr.com/ask

[myonlinediarie]

And all this week he’s been super slow and lazy with messaging me.

Like okay, I get you were super busy Wednesday, it still bummed me out.

Thursday you were randomly busy?  I wasn’t happy but whatever.  And then I saw him and got insecure and oh yeah he doesn’t want to have sex with me.

So because I was insecure, today I kind of toned it down and he was still taking forever to respond.  And even now since he’s with his friend.  It just feels really fucking weird and I don’t know why and I don’t like it at all.

[myonlinediarie]

Things got weird last night

I’ve been feeling so insecure

I’ve been feeling SO unwanted and he really doesn’t get why

He seems to think I’m freaking out because we’re not spending time together

But it’s because I don’t feel like he wants to have sex with me

Is this turning into a friendship? *knocks on wood*

I love him so much

[myonlinediarie]

Resorting to tumblr again because I have no friends.

[myonlinediarie]

BTW 

I’m trying not to waste energy on this issue obviously since it’s pointless now that I don’t even live there or have to deal with it 

but

Guess who hasn’t even called me once since I’ve moved here?

It’s been almost 5 months.

Shout out to the people who told me it’d make our bond stronger and that she actually does love me.  I knew she didn’t.

Side note:  I have spoken to her when I’ve called my dad or brothers and she’s been home.  But my dad calls at least once a week.  Even my mim did too.  My mim actually gave me a talk about it when I first moved and I swallowed my pride and called her after revealing some truths to my mim.  That didn’t even help.  I did try.

[myonlinediarie]

Btw totally having period issues which is really freaking me out.

I’ve gone to the clinic twice about this issue and all they say is that it’s “stress”

We not clots are freaking flinging out of me and I started my period after one day on the placebo pill...

This also happened when I wasn’t even taking my placebo pills

LIKE PLEASE BE NORMAL I REALLY WANT TO HAVE SEX

And not be on my period for my little trip this weekend

[myonlinediarie]

Lots of stuff going on in my mind.  I want to feel more confident.  Stupid girls.  Stupid boys.  Stupid insecurities.  Stupid trust issues.

[myonlinediarie]

No more weeknight sleepovers

Well

We had a serious talk last night

He told me it was hard for him to say because he knew it would upset me

But it bothered him that I was staying over on weeknights

“It’s just too much”

I obviously brought some stuff over so that I could get ready in the mornings but I hadn’t taken it home in two weeks since there’s no way I could’ve brought all of that to school to go home...and that really bothered him

He called me a “messy person”

Which isn’t that fair because of course it’s messy when there isn’t a formal place for it to go!

It bothered him that I ate his food

I took it hard

I cried a little

I felt really awkward and uncomfortable and embarrassed and like I crossed a line

I thought things were going well with us

He said he still wants to see me just as much just without the staying over, so that was a partial relief

It’s just difficult now that I live further away...he has to drive 10-15 minutes to pick me up and then drop me off too?  Or if I bus it’s about 40 minutes and then we don’t get to spend a lot of time together.

I’m nervous we’re going to drift because of it now.

I TA Monday’s so that is “his” day (as it always has been) and he TAs Thursday which is “my” day.

I can’t just see him on weekends you know?

This is exactly why I didn’t want to move...

Of course it’d be easier if I got a car but there is no way I can afford that right now.

I was pretty bummed today but I saw him after and felt better

I think we’re okay now

I just still feel a little awkward 

I keep asking about every little thing just to make sure

I was so comfortable at his place

Too comfortable I guess

He was so happy that I met his parents

He was so lovey-dovey all weekend

It was so nice

This hit me really hard

Idk I was basically acting as if we lived together

Which isn’t okay unless both parties are okay with it

Still, this has been going on for about 2 months now so I figured it was okay

But it is my fault, I’d make a big deal when he wouldn’t ask me to stay

Idk he did contradict himself though...he said he loves falling asleep next to me and waking up next to me and that I actually motivate him to get ready in the morning but he also likes to just “chill” and fall asleep watching something before bed too

He’s said before that even when he’s gaming or wants to do his own thing just having me there is nice...even when I’m doing my own thing

We’ve done that recently and it is really nice...so that made me even more comfortable

And then after all of this, I’ve accepted it obviously

We’re taking a trip this weekend to our favourite national park!!  It should be so lovely

So yeah, after all of this, he asks me to stay tonight...........

I said “What?  What about what you said yesterday about no sleeping over on weeknights?”  (I hadn’t even taken ALL of my stuff home yet)

“Oh..I don’t know what I even said..”

Like WHAT

I am home.  Like idk he was super tired so perhaps he just didn’t want to drive me but woah you can’t play me like that

We made a rule, and now we need to stick to it

[myonlinediarie]

I think it went well??

We laughed a lot

I was quiet I guess

They didn’t ask questions haha

Idk if that’s good or bad

IDK

I DON’T KNOW

I really hope they like me

[myonlinediarie]

CODE RED CODE RED CODE RED

I’M MEETING HIS PARENTS TONIGHT

OMG

THEY ASKED ME TO COME OUT TO DINNER WITH THEM

AHHHHHHHH

I’M FREAKING OUT

“I don’t blame you really 

I don’t even know what to expect myself

They’ve never invited my girlfriend to dinner

Never even invited them over 

Or even wanted to see them when I had them over LOL

You’re making a huge step here

You’re a pioneer honey

It’s like taking the first step on the moon

Haha”

That adds even more pressure LOL

I’m nervous about what my parents do the most

That is not a depiction of me

And I really hate that question