Mariah Scherlacher

|| NJ || Instagram: mariah__dawn_

[myrawmusings]

I found one of your old business cards in a book today

my mind flashed to the day you gave it to me

you were proud of your accomplishments, 

or just humbled because you knew you could be more

I thought i tossed every part of you

i thought i could feel nothing

these days

i continue to amaze myself.

[myrawmusings]

My heart is still in a purgatory of love. Empty, feeling nothing. Maybe something is forever broken inside of me. Maybe my heart is too far gone, too damaged, too skewed. I’m not sure what can be done about this, so I pray. I prayed on my knees last night. I will pray, pray, and hope.

[myrawmusings]

Pictures speak but they often speak lies. Anyone can look like anything. Anyone can fake it, anyone can pretend. I don’t want to pretend.

[myrawmusings]

The rain brings out my best depression. God sits in my passenger seat, always. I talk to him while I doubt his goodness. Sometime days are gold, some days a filth. The roller coaster will forever ride, the days will go on, and the depths will always feel dark.

[myrawmusings]

I had a dream of a bird soaked in oil with half-clipped wings // I saw myself only as a silhouette and wondered why I didn't feel whole // black and white was everything, black and white feels safer to most, I guess //

[myrawmusings]

I waste away at night, the absence of light, perhaps. My darkest emotions become like a scorching sun, not the kind that blissfully blankets your skin on an empty beach.. the kind that cuts through to your bones. It’s a numbing burn, but a burn all the same. I fear for my heart, it feels like a wrecking ball— still, motionless, dead inside my chest— not desiring love.

[myrawmusings]

I know you can’t grasp yourself Id walk home to you but we don’t have a home We never really did I know you don’t understand Why your brain connects Then doesn’t I know you feel But can’t even for a second Express I know you look around this world Through a child’s eyes The one that never grew or flourished I know time ticks heavily Against your throat Reminding you of his brothers you’ve wasted I know you cannot help Much of anything I know, now I know -mariah dawn

[myrawmusings]

I heard the pastor say “God will never waste a surrender.” I didn’t move from my chair but my heart fluttered a little, I felt it move for the first time in months. It’s alive, and so am I. -mariah dawn

[myrawmusings]

[myrawmusings]

Outside of my own skin is a feeling from a numbing place. Strange. I watch myself lay on the couch staring at the news with a cup of tea in my hand as the night grows darker. Alone. I flip through even the most subtle love scenes. Love makes me feel uncomfortable and out of control these days. I'd rather not face it. I feel 50 years old. Cook meals because I need food to survive, not because this shit tastes good anymore. This is life, although being alone is a dull pain I wish upon no one; there is power in this. Something peaceful, in the most painful way. I need to hand it all over to Him, he will fill me. Why do we hinder ourselves from the joy we know is out there? Why do we self destruct? - mariah dawn

[myrawmusings]

[myrawmusings]

Drove past the passenger seat that used to be mine today. The car behind me ran over my stomach. I pulled my limbic system out of my brain and screamed at it before slamming on my breaks for a red light. I’m a framed picture of the prodigal son in the home of depression; sometimes it takes years, but I always return at some point.

-mariah dawn

[myrawmusings]

I felt a wolf breathing down my neck in the middle of the night. For a second the warmth felt better than a cold bed. I turned around to grab it’s throat as it vanished into smoke.

Turn back around and pulled the covers over my head..

“I’ve been sleeping with shapeshifters my whole life, at least send something original.”

-mariah dawn

[myrawmusings]

joke is on me, and my bloody head

Closure holds hands with answers

and they both ring my door bell and run..

a chair was broken over my ego

when I saw it took a matter of two weeks

to fall in love with a different name..

my heart took the next kick to the gut

when it dawned on me,

that’s impossible

that can only mean it was happening

while I was in the bed

being held by a shell of a person

who’s heart was somewhere else.

That can only mean

i know nothing, anymore..

Never in a million years

would my mind conceive

a note written in a card

with messages of spending life

together

would have been morris code

for

‘you are fucked, love..these are lies, love..

but stay, keep my body warm, love..

until I have this next flame, in my grasp

for certain, love..

because I’m a narcissist in disguise, love

sympathy for the devil is my song, love

I am a fair weather friend, love

I am a nightmare that comes dressed

as a dream, love’

…and you say….

'I will share your money, love

I will try

and try

it will take time, love

if my heart was to be broken

I would physically die, love

I think you’ll always make me nervous, love

I can’t imagine my life without you, love

do you wish to deal

with my depressive states

for the rest of your life, love?’

….“through every storm, I will love you.”

Through every storm, you did not love me

back.

-mariah dawn

[myrawmusings]

Never had an issue sleeping until now. This kid I work with says when he met me he got a feeling that I had been born again, renewed at some point in life; and he knows how weird that sounds. To be reborn sounds great, only if I had 10,000 hearts though, one isn't enough. It's not even a heart anymore.

I smell smoke and don’t want to run. Devalued is the word I’ve been rolling around my tongue because it’s the only word I taste. I am a fool with blood pouring out of my ears from the feelings I laid on an alter for love. That’s the problem ya know, I make idols out of anything I can hold onto before i choke it or it chokes me.

Love was a bird that sat on my shoulder and flew away after the sweetest songs. Now every time I see a bird I want to hit it with my car and have no remorse. Love will wait across a raging river I will never be able to cross. I’ll wave to it and remember the times it seduced me, but sliced my throat in my sleep.

-mariah dawn

[myrawmusings]

[myrawmusings]