More than once I have attempted to create this blip on how to approach and hold a substantial conversation with another person, face to face.
The truth is: communication is art; and like art, you cannot take a single paint brush and smear it across a blank canvas, expecting a different outcome. Communication is hard work and takes more spatial awareness than it does self awareness.
There are so many different styles of communication, classes of people, that it would be difficult to create a single article that could walk anyone through everything you would need to know to be a master in communications.
My hope for this piece is to lay out general guide lines that could help anyone approach another person and hold a decent and fulfilling conversation. This piece will not go into psychological details and it will not solve any anti-social disorders.
Note: anything underlined is a hyperlink. If you click the underlined sections of this article, it will bring you to pages that will explain behaviours, more in depth.
To simplify this and ease your eyeballs, I will break it down below:
Pay attention to the person you are speaking to. This sounds silly, but paying attention requires more work than most people think. However, it can be rewarding. Put your electronics on silent, or at least face down. Create the space that invites conversation. Look for body language beyond what the person is comfortable displaying. Are their arms crossed? Are they facing away or towards you? Are they leaning in or leaning back? Are they looking at you or looking away? If someone is displaying signs that they don’t want to communicate, but you still aren’t sure: ASK! The concept of “checking-in” seems so lost among us. You are not responsible for how someone else receives you or what you have to say, but you are responsible for yourself. With that being said, if you are making someone else feel uncomfortable for any reason at all, you need to know that. Some people just don’t want to communicate and you need to respect that.
Listen!! ...This is not what you think it is. Please look at the illustration below and absorb it.
Often times, while someone is speaking, the other party will skip the first 3 steps and begin interrupting and pre-emptively assume they know what the speaker is saying. Read that again. And again. Burn it into your skull. WAIT until the speaker is done speaking, then wait a little longer. There is no way you have absorbed what someone is saying in a nanosecond. You can be an expert in whatever they are discussing, but you will never be an expert in how they experience(d) what they are sharing with you. That’s the key difference. When someone speaks with you, or you speak with someone else, you have different perceptions and lenses you are looking through. Absorb theirs and let them absorb yours. You can grow from this.
Often times, someone will interrupt to share a personal story. This is a delicate art form. It helps someone to know that they aren’t alone, and sharing a story that relates, isn’t necessarily inappropriate; however, as a precaution, wait until you have all of the facts and the person is finished sharing with you. “How do I know if they are done speaking?” Again, check-in. That’s polite. They will appreciate it.
Remember that it’s not always about you.
Macklemore and Ryan Lewis said it best: “The quickest way to happiness [is] learning to be selfless; Ask more questions, talk about yourself less”
I encourage you to practice going through conversations and leaving yourself out of it, unless asked. Watch the dramatic shift. I have practiced this for a good chunk of my life. Often times, this makes people feel so important that I find myself in situations where I am explaining that I do not reciprocate romantic feelings! Yep... It is that affective. Everyone, whether they will admit it or not, wants to feel loved/special/important/like they matter. It’s natural to want this. Without a romantic intention, practice helping people to see the value and joy that you bring them. Sometimes, less is more. Just by being quiet, you can show people they have value to you, because they can feel that you’re listening.
When we remove this incessant need to always bring the spotlight back onto us, we allow for the other person to share. Eventually it will come back to you, but don’t rush that process.
If you are trying to hold a conversation with someone in-person, give them an incentive to keep sharing an intimate space with you. Talking about yourself and asking very little about them doesn’t incentivize anyone to carry on speaking with you.
Following up is underrated, yet, it’s imperative to retention. This may seem obvious to a handful of people, but I see so many friendship fails and lose touch with people I once cared about because everything always felt one-sided. This is a branch of number 3, specifically, making individuals feel remembered, thus making them feel special.
Having someone remember finite details about your life would make any person feel like they are cared about. Further, having them ask you about it ongoingly, would typically show you that they have a genuine concern, even if it doesn’t involve them.
Social media has removed this for us. We assume that because we see status updates and highlight reels of everyone's life, we know what is going on. False. You see me smiling with my family, but little do you know, I haven’t spoken to the one family member who means the most to me (my sister) since 2016. So, yeah, I look happy, but I miss her and think about her everyday.
Retention is so important, otherwise our relationships are short-lived and fleeting. If you like cycling through people, don’t follow up. If you want life long connections, you need to nourish the relationships you have, new and old. So, follow up (which requires attention to details and allowing someone else to emotionally resonate with you).
Last, but certainly not least: VENDING MACHINE THEORY!
I made this one up, but I’d like to think it’s clever. There’s a saying I once heard and it goes along the lines of “what you put in, you get out...” and I have stuck with this! I look at everything like a vending machine, especially communication. If I want to understand more, I ask questions. If I want to stop a conversation with someone, I’ll politely (figuratively) walk away from the discussion.
I have friends that consistently lean on me. Whether it be for advice, help, or whatever else. Rarely, those people come to me on their own merit and offer themselves in any capacity to me (unless it benefits them). Writing that sucks, but it’s true. Ironically, the friends that I do have whom make a huge effort to be there for me, rarely need anything. Which I make a point to check-in on them and make sure they’re doing ok. Often times, givers get along well with takers, and vice-versa. The reciprocity isn’t always there, that’s where you need to be sure you are bridging that gap.
At the end of the day, communication is what you make it. What you want out of it will take work. It could take years of endlessly searching for people who understand you.
There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to cultivate friendships or relationships. There’s guidelines and what works for some, may not work for others.
Chemistry cannot be forced. If it’s there, build on it. If it’s not, keep searching.
The hardest reality to accept for me has been recognizing that I am sensitive and I only want to allow gentle and kind people into my life. I really gravitate to those who are patient, good listeners, and have endured hardship, because they just “get it”. If all you post are selfies, gym rat clothing, and how many flashy collections you have, I probably won’t get along well with you. However, my self-obsessed neighbour just might.
Communication is an art, we have vibrations that we emit as people. Some will connect with yours and others will not. Be present and don’t force it.
Educational background courtesy of The Justice Institute of British Columbia and British Columbia Institute of Technology
...(plus the 15 years of intensive therapy)
