NOTES

[mytherapistsaiditwouldhelp]

So I broke up with him

We dated for five years

He wanted to break up after he graduated

I should have just let it be

It’s been a year and some change since we broke up

It’s been a year since I’ve dated anyone or hooked up,with anyone

I don’t have it in me to date anyone at the moment

I do however like flirting with him

He’s funny, he’s kinda cute too

But he’s not the type to want to be just friends

He says he doesn’t want to be part of my world but he’s intrigued

It’s weird

I like how he wants to see me grow

He’s like my friend

We make jokes

He shows me some respect

But I don’t know maybe I just like the flirt and not the actual relationship

He made feel like I matter

After more than the last five years of my relationship

Why couldn’t he love me the way I wanted to be loved

Why did he think it was okay to hurt me

Why did he say if I ever wanted to talk to him and let him know to come to come here that it was fine

I’m not just some booty call

For a long time I thought it was because I was ugly or not pretty enough

Or I might have been too smart

I just want to be loved unconditionally and grow with him

But asking for the bare minimum not worth it

Like you love the idea of me you don’t love me

I’m not one to talk but I do not like the fact that I’m just a girl yearning for a safe kind of love

A love where I feel protected and provided for

A love where I can get vulnerable with myself and be okay with it

And that’s fine

I need to start writing down my thoughts more

I keep forgetting to do this

However life isn’t too bad right now.

[mytherapistsaiditwouldhelp]

Just told my mom all she cares about how others would see us instead of knowing how I’m feeling

[mytherapistsaiditwouldhelp]

July 27, 2020

Just realized that there are others around me who are hurting. And I can feel their pain. I spoke to a social worker the other day. I told her I can’t speak about my pain if they won’t accept me for that happening. Meaning what if they think it’s my fault. For it happening in the first place. Maybe I should keep quite until then. I mean I can’t even get a hair cut without them judging that it’s too short. Sometimes there are days where I don’t want to wear the hijab cause I’m not feeling myself lately. But to them they think that I’m disobeying god. Or that I don’t have faith, and that’s what upsets me. I’ve been so uncomfortable in my own skin for so long that I have no idea who I am anymore. I thought I was going to be the person my parents want me to be. Sounds cliché I know. But hear me out. Understanding what it feels to just be free. And no I don’t mean be an artist or something like that. What I mean by free is of not needing to know what people think of you. Or going about my day without the aunt next door snitches on me. But I also want to be free from this, self hate, drama, and blame I put myself onto. Where I let some person ruin me, thought man I hate myself. Or let family tell me how fat I am or if I want to be any pretty to lose a couple of pounds. So that I can look appealing. Just sometimes I feel just really tired. All of it. Maybe I should just go for a nap.

[mytherapistsaiditwouldhelp]

Mask On

Just cause I’m good at masking

Doesn’t mean I don’t feel pain

Just cause I’m good at masking

Doesn’t mean I don’t feel hurt

Just cause I’m good at masking

Doesn’t mean I’ve never felt small

Just cause I’m good at masking

Doesn’t mean I never inflicted any pain on myself

Just cause I’m good at masking

It doesn’t mean I felt life was worth living

Just cause I’m good at masking

Doesn’t mean I didn’t think there was any options to stop this madness

Doesn’t mean I was okay with what’s been going on

Doesn’t mean it was okay for him to go under my dress and do things I wasn’t uncomfortable

Doesn’t mean I wasn’t comfortable talking about

Doesn’t mean I didn’t feel self hate

Felt ugly, felt alone, felt gross

Every time I try to breath, I couldn’t exhale

Just because I’m good at masking

It doesn’t mean I’m strong but I’m also not weak

Just because I’m good at masking

It doesn’t mean I don’t hear what others have been saying about me

It doesn’t mean I agreed with anyone

It doesn’t mean I wasn’t alone, cause it sure felt like I was alone

Just cause I’m good at masking

Doesn’t mean that I was comfortable in my own skin

I wanted to change in how my looks were

I wasn’t comfortable in who I was, what I looked like

I wasn’t okay with the feeling that the whole school knew who it was and blamed me

I wasn’t fine

I didn’t know how to express myself

I thought that’s how all boys acted

I thought I was the problem

I thought it was my fault

I was told it was my fault

I was told that “boy will be boys”

I was told as a little girl that I was always suppose to always be proper

That what I wore would get their attention

That if I don’t look a certain way I wouldn’t be asking for it

Let me tell you what

I’ve been wearing this head scarf since I was 12

And it’s been a long ride

Beause of what happened

People saw me differently

He told told me that if I didn’t do what he wanted me to do on camera he didn’t want to do anything with me

I was told that I wasn’t pretty enough for him to take me out on a date

I wasn’t the girl he wanted to show as his girlfriend

I felt like if I wasn’t with him then no one would ever love me

He made me feel uncomfortable, ugly, used

Just from the this behavior I felt like every guy I tried to meet

It was the same thing

Over and over again

I felt so ugly in my own skin

I couldn’t control and hold on to my feelings

The walls I created, built from that day

I felt it all coming down

Just cause I’m good at masking

Didn’t mean I don’t hold grudges

Doesn’t mean I’ve talked about it

Doesn’t mean I don’t think about like it’s in the back of my mind

Doesn’t mean it hasn’t kept me up at night

Doesn’t mean I don’t cry myself to sleep

Doesn’t mean for every rape threat, or harassment I’ve received I just shrugged it off

Doesn’t mean that I’m asking for it

Doesn’t mean I’m okay talking about it now or later

But it also doesn’t mean this,

That I stopped working on myself

That I didn’t stop talking to anyone at all

That I didn’t create a small support system

That I didn’t take time off to see what’s out there for me

That I didn’t stop working hard to get to where I am today

Because I’m good at masking it doesn’t mean what happened to me didn’t happen, but I can’t let it stop me from doing what I need to make myself the person I am today.

You’re not alone in this.

I myself am still working on a few things.

It’s hard.

It takes time.

And the fight isn’t over.

[mytherapistsaiditwouldhelp]

July 9th, 2020 12:18AM

She messaged me back, she apologize. She realized how fucked up my life has been. Since the incident of course. I can’t believe it. She asked how can I have been so calm for so long. What she doesn’t understand is that I felt dead on the inside. I’ve been blaming myself for long. It toook to long to even talk about and I don’t think I can still talk about it. I think people would think I’m lying. That I was the one who wanted this. That I was asking for it. Am I ever going to be strong to talk about it. I’m not sure. Right now I’ll just take baby steps. Right now just one person at a time.

[mytherapistsaiditwouldhelp]

July 1, 2020 1:23AM

I felt uncomfortable with my body and self for so long. I hate this feeling. The feeling that comes with it is the fact I hate myself. Hate feeling so ugly. Hate myself more thinking that at this time it’s always like this.

[mytherapistsaiditwouldhelp]

July 1, 2020

I’m feeling hurt.

Like I want to cry but I can’t.

Almost like I can’t breath.

I need to talk to my shrink again, I miss them.

I miss where my only safe space.

[mytherapistsaiditwouldhelp]

Cont. JUNE 27,2020

I couldn’t bear the that I wasn’t good enough. That not only did I think I was ugly but because it was cause of him I felt like this. I thought it was my fault. I thought I did something wrong. I felt forced to take off any clothing I had just to get his attention. That if I didn’t I would have been a waste of his time. If I didn’t do what he pleased that it was going to be over. What I thought, I thought I shouldn’t be selfish. I thought he was my friend. I trusted him. For so long I felt like I couldn’t breath. Felt ugly in anything I wore. I couldn’t think straight, I thought that for some reason at anytime of the relationship it should have ended. I should have ended when I had the chance. Why did I stay? What’s wrong with me. Did I want to get hurt, did I want to feel the pain. Why didn’t anyone tell me that he sent the picture. Why didn’t anyone warn me or just been honest. I went on for almost a decade, being in love with a boy that made me feel, like this. I went on thinking maybe this is what all guys think and nothing else. Maybe I’m just venting. But I see other girls speaking up on the trauma that they’ve gone through and I’m not sure if I’m ready to talk about it, cause then what if it backlashes. People are going to be like she’s lying, or shocked that one of their own was apart of this rape culture where, where posting those pictures of me and sending it to the whole school and an okay idea. But I’m pretty sure they knew, they just didn’t have the heart to tell me. I don’t how to feel. Not now, I don’t know. I’m not sure if I should be thinking about this. But it haunts me, and I feel the pain every time it gets brought up, through others pain, the fact that I’ve been silent for so long and now I have written about it. No women should ever have to feel this way. Periodt.

[mytherapistsaiditwouldhelp]

June 27, 2020

It’s was a very late night. I was scrolling through instagram and I’ve seen a lot more people posting about the trauma that they’ve been going through. I remembered my sister asking how many men are out there. How can there be so many? I told this is just the tip of the iceberg. That some of the abuse for a lot or some of the people has been silent for so long. I still am not sure whether to talk about it publicly. I mean yes this is tumblr, but a lot of people don’t read what I’m really thinking about. But I was just thinking that I wasn’t like well. I don’t know not everyone is going through the same thing. But I mean the emotional trauma that I had to live with for such a long time can’t be any different than how most people feel. Unloved, dirty, not good enough, the list can just go in for hours, if I could list every bad feeling about myself. For so long I’ve felt so ugly, and disgusted at myself. I couldn’t live with such pain, where I thought killing myself would have been the easy way out. People at school weren’t so helpful either at the time. Thank god middle school is over with. I thought those two years would never move on. But even then after middle school it followed up to me now. I still think about how I was not good enough. I wondered why I always felt so ugly. Why I couldn’t bear seeing my face. When I trusted someone with pictures I shared of myself I thought, well I thought I was sharing a part of my life. At first I didn’t think of anything I just thought yeah it just pictures nothing serious. But to other people it meant that I was a slut. That it was fault, like I don’t remember asking for anything. People thought I was the one looking for attention. I don’t known what was going at at first. But I sent it to him first, and from there it was went black. It was like a big blur. I was told because I was obsessed with the idea that he loved me that I was the crazy one. I was told it was my fault because of what I did. I SENT HIM THE PICTURES. People are like but he didn’t put a gun to your head how could he have made you take them. What they don’t know is the emotional pain and abuse I took in. Where I was told I had to be quite if I wanted this relationship to work. And it’s not like we were exclusive like people knew we were dating but it was more to the knowledge where I thought he liked me for me and nothing else. Meaning I thought I was the naive one. Where I was told that if I did anything in particular he would give the attention I deserved at the time. I thought wow some guy really likes me but doesn’t want the whole world to know, very mysterious. At first I thought it was cool, but in school he would make me feel small, and he would tag a long what other were saying about me. That I’m the slut that that couldn’t keep my clothes off. Where because I don’t know, too many emotions going on. I thought it was typical middle school drama. I still had no idea who sent the pictures at the time, or maybe I was in denial. Again I wasn’t sure I did sent it to his cousin first and them to him. But it could have been either or them. I mean the both treated me like I was garbage. I wasn’t sure and again I thought I was trash, dirty, ugly and just never good enough. People just kept on talking. And I just didn’t have it in me to talk about until it blew out of proportion. The reason I ever thought it was my fault was bacause I told by the school official themselves “boys will be boys”, I thought because I sent it to a boy like that’s what I get. Like I was just going to have to go through the pain and deal with it on my own. And they had to call my parents into this, like it was fault and that I was out of control. I was told because I was a disturbance to the grade and my class alone. I just wanted to die in school that day.Again I still had no idea who sent the pictures. Now imagine being in contact with the guy who sent your pictures around and had no idea it was him,and still talk to him and let him do things to you cause it felt good but knowing you were never enough. That he emotional abused you.

[mytherapistsaiditwouldhelp]

June 23, 2020 evening edition

Just took my exam a while while a go. I think I did fine. Better than eng other class. However my other friend was worrying and we had the same grade. Hope it goes well this semester. We are have way done. I had dinner and we’ll there’s isn’t anything new in my life now. Well I did see her post yesterday, he’s name was there. I didn’t have any strong feelings from that thou. All I know is that he’s here in NY. But no worries not like I’m leaving the house anyways. And he’s entitled to go where he pleases. I like how much she’s changed him. Well not changed that’s a stupid word. Let’s go with coming out of his shell. Life is good for now. I mean having differences with my mother that’s a story for another time.

[mytherapistsaiditwouldhelp]

June 23, 2020

So there wasn’t much to do today. I mean I was able to finish some assignments but I haven’t done much studying for an exam I have in a couple of hours I might actually be screwed. I don’t think I can finish on time. I might have to clock out early from work just to get some work done. I shouldn’t have watched tv. But I mean I can still get a lot more work done than most people with the most distractions. But I mean it’s whatever.

[mytherapistsaiditwouldhelp]

June 21, 2020

It’s been two years since my last note. Been feeling a whole better since then. There was a lot of things that I had to deal with. However to been going great. I only have a year of school left. I’m doing this internship with one of the best companies here. I was suppose to go to Colorado this summer but it didn’t work out cause of what’s going on in the world and what not. I have so. I have studying to get going but it’s alright. This semester seems to be pretty light. For now at least. I have to get ge going this exam isn’t going to study for itself.

[mytherapistsaiditwouldhelp]

September 15, 2018

I’ve been feeling distant. I feel like no one understands. I don’t know how explain myself, how I think. Maybe I’m just overwhelmed with the amount of homework I have to finish this weekend. I did watch a lot of tv today. Yeah that could be it. I’m madly in love with guy. I love him. He made me feel included and loved. He makes me feel safe. I feel like I have mortal support.

[mytherapistsaiditwouldhelp]

Triggered 8/5/2018 1:16AM

“It’s not cute”

[mytherapistsaiditwouldhelp]

July 1, 2018 (1:13AM)

It’s wedding season, and everyone’s wants to look good. Take THE picture of the year, proposals happening left and right. I, myself I wasn’t in the mood. Today I looked at myself today. Really hard in the mirror. I remember just moments ago my mom told me to stop eating as a joke, but low key wished she didn’t say that at all. I keep thinking on how ugly I felt, just cause I was boiling an egg. I was thinking about how ugly I really was. Just moments before I saw her insta story. With him in it. They were out in public, enjoying themselves. I look at myself, I tell myself I have weird looking eyes, that no one wants to see. I have this stupid ugly little nose that’s too flat, I could bearly breathe when there’s a stupid little booger up there. I have these ugly lips, two toned color lips. Lips too big for my face. I have this high ugly smile, and hair too big to tame in this heat. I have to brush my unwanted hair out of the way. I think to myself how ugly am I so people not want to be around me. I can still hear those words. “Shahana, if you send me those picture again with that being shaved I’ll think about is being together.” I had high hopes that I would be the one, that I was special. That he wouldn’t be the one that hurt me. I never thought that he could hurt me. I thought he cared. I never would have thought that he out of the people I lost would hurt me. I thought he cared about me. With everything that was going on, I thought he cared. I never thought I was so ugly ever. I’ve never felt so ugly, until these people told me what was wrong with me. Told me that because I’m this I’m ugly. I didn’t know what this meant, the word this. I thought my butt was too big, I wanted to fit into a size 2 but couldn’t. Boobs too big for any nice Indian dresses. Thought my height was the problem. I was told I was too ugly to be seen in public with. I couldn’t bare the pain on being too ugly. I kept to myself. I didn’t want people to know what bothered me, or what was going on. He waited until he was done with me. Then tell me it was time to go home, we never had the talk after it would interfere with his actual social life. He never asked how I really felt. Or if this was real. But what he would ask if I shaved for him, or wait for him until he gave a signal. He would smell my hair, grab me in places I wasn’t sure he was allowed to grab. But I thought to myself hey this guy is giving me attention let me degrade myself and let him. If I didn’t let him I was scared if he was just going to leave me. Just like the others, if I didn’t let him get what he want that he was going to tell me that I was wasting his time. Told myself every time to let this hour pass to go home and cry about it. I sent him the pictures and well he sent it. I just didn’t know he was the one that sent it. I didn’t think he was the one that would hurt me, I didn’t think he wanted to hurt me this badly. I can still feel him holding me, when I needed a friend the most. Where I thought he was listening. He knew I was hurting and he couldn’t save me. I knew that I had to stay shut, I thought if I said anything I was going to lose it all. I thought if I kept quite everything was going to be okay. I don’t know what to say. I feel hurt. I feel like I can breathe. I feel so ugly, where my clothes can fit right, I feel that when I want to scream I can’t make the sound. I’m hurt and I know that I just want to Numb this pain away. I just eat all these caffeine pills and I can’t feel. Heart racing, emotions flying. I just want to feel safe and loved.

[mytherapistsaiditwouldhelp]

June 22, 2018 (2:16 AM)

I’ve never felt so alone ever. I’m in a room with people who don’t understand where I come from. It’s too hard to explain. I feel like it’s too painful to hear, and I honestly don’t want the petty. I don’t like being told what to do, especially if I haven’t done anything to affect anyone. I just feel so alone. There’s so much going on, like your whole world is crumbling done, and you have no way of saving yourself from it. Sometimes I think of I wasn’t here would anyone really miss me. I mean they would know of me right. I feel like I’m talking too much. Likey feelings don’t matter. Or something I’m not sure. I don’t know what to do. I have this guard up, and if I put it down people can see my weakness: I don’t know how to feel anymore. I want to feel numb, I feel pain that I don’t want to feel. I don’t get how people can say something they know nothing about. I feel like I can’t breathe. My nose is stuffy, I feel like I’m not good enough. I don’t know if I can live with myself thinking about things that should never be talked about.

[mytherapistsaiditwouldhelp]

June 17, 2018

I was just told that cursing too much is bad. I justified myself that I need to have tough skin to get where I need to be. I was told that as a Muslim woman, I needed to be patient, and know how to hold my tounge. I was told by my sister. MY SISTER. Mind you we are from the same generation. I was too confused. I didn’t understand why I was told that I had to learn how to grow up. I don’t remember the last time I ever acted like a child. I mean besides when I’m having a great time hanging with friends, or co workers at work. I mean I had my first period at the age of 9. It made me a woman. I was told from the age of 7 that I’m too fat. At the age of 10 some guys friends with my parents made a pass at me and I didn’t say anything. I wasn’t sure what to do, I was confused. I didn’t know where to go. I come from a place where things get swiped under a rug. So please tell me how I’m not grown up enough. Please tell me more that my frustration shouldn’t have an affect on how I talk. I mean how can people say she’s not grown enough. How can you say with a straight face that I’m not grown enough, when knowing that my childhood ended quickly enough for me to enjoy it. At the age of 12 I’ve been socially, physically, emotionally, and mentally abused by a guy from school, and that’s been in the past 7 years. I don’t understand why I’m not grown yet. I don’t understand why my speech would be affected on how people see me. I don’t understand why people don’t get that I’m confused and frustrated. I mean I keep it bottled up, I don’t know when it would explode. I’m just so mad, and stressed. I honestly don’t understand why one curse word would change that. I’m so confused. I get told that I’m not old enough to be in adult conversation but am expected to cook and clean and be wife material by the time I’m 23. In two years I have to be expecting to be married. I’ve met my soulmate but he’s Pakistani. I’m pretty sure that going to be a problem. Okay soulmate would be something, but I’m pretty sure he and are meant to be together. I feel protected when I’m with him. I feel like I can talk to him. He’s helped me into getting help. He’s supported me all that way. He’s coped with me. I feel like he’s the only one that understands me. He truly cares about me. He would ask me how my day was, I would say an answer and it would be a conversation I want to remember for the rest of my life. It hurts that what if I can’t be with him. I’m just confused on why I’m seen as I haven’t grown yet. Why as a woman I should not have opinion, or be frustrated, why I shouldn’t curse. When I’m put down I feel like my whole world is falling apart and lose control. Because I don’t have a degree I shouldn’t talk. Because I’m not there yet I shouldn’t feel the way I’m feeling now. Because I don’t have the big job it shouldn’t be this way. I’m just confused why there’s so many rules to follow. I feel insecure. I feel sick to the core. I just want to be heard from the people I want the support from. As a woman from this community I haven’t gotten any respect from anyone. No the one guy, I’ve never felt so disgusted. I saw him celebrating Eid. And he told me religion is stupid. And does stupid things, then goes on telling me that he was the one that sent the pictures. Yet he had the audacity to use me until he was done with me. I never had the gut to free myself. I’ve waited for nothing, I was confused. I couldn’t get it. He used me until he couldn’t anymore. I’ve felt broken for so long. I keep picking the pieces up every time it’s over, I’m also street that I have an exam this week. I have so much to do. I should sleep.