dreaming of little toes

Just another woman struggling to keep positive until our dreams come true

[myttcstory]

This was last weeks 6 months belly pic..feeling HUUUUGE!

[myttcstory]

Our baby boy 💙💙💙

[myttcstory]

So this was done the first Friday of August as I'd had some weird blood happening.. but as of yesterday I'm 15 weeks! Precious in there has a heart rate of 155, going strong and wiggles away from the doppler because theres no love for that thing I guess! xD now, I'm finally excited. I made a baby registry on Walmart, and I'm actually counting down until we find out what our lovely is (October 29 cant come fast enough!!!!). I cant believe it. Sometimes here and there I feel little movements and I'm like holyfuckingshitfuck this is REAL. I actually get to be a mom..💜💜

[myttcstory]

Ugh first night back to work (this is my last set of days..I'm on for 5 but not coming for my last shift because fuck them) and I'm dead tired. I've got an hour and 45 minutes left and I swear I could pass out in the chair I'm hiding in. But as soon as I get home I'll be awake.

I can't wait to be done with night shift.

[myttcstory]

Those tests start from July 1st and the last is from this morning, so is the digital.that means that this time my HCG is actually rising properly, my bean is sticking so far.. and I'm 5 weeks today. I'm trying to keep the excitement at bay until we hit 13 weeks just so that I can keep my heart intact if something happens again.. but I dont think it will. I dont have that bad feeling like I did before. But we did it finally 💜💜💜

[fuckyeahttc]

[myttcstory]

So. I'm 11dpo. I peed while we were on out way home. An hour and a halfish later I got home and peed again and my impatient self just had to test. And I see a vvvvvvfl .. the same way it started last time .. so my mc was March. Now its June.. I wont get my Hope's up but my God it would be perfect. We got engaged this week! Here is to another week of compulsive testing to see if I get line progression!

[myttcstory]

Well this is cycle 13. Cycle 3 or 4 (depending how you count it) post MC. We go on vacation in about a week but really its visiting my hometown for my brothers grad and to introduce him to my family. Hes bought a ring so I wonder if he plans to propose while were there..

But anyway. This month is especially hard. It hurts a lot more than usual and I dont like it. I just want our rainbow..because instead of being heavily pregnant, I'm left feeling empty.. ugh this is not fun. Why didnt they ever teach how hard this actually is?!

[myttcstory]

Happy mothers day. To all of us.

I'd like to say happy mothers day to each one of us.. whether you've been fortunate enough to meet your lovely little darling, or you had to say goodbye before you could say hello, especially if your hello was to a sleeping angel, and you know what? To everyone who's yet to have anyone to tell they love.

Happy mothers day to each one of us. Because this is a struggle. And today leaves a hole in our chests.

[myttcstory]

The game of "is my period due today or is it due monday" is quite irritating. I ovulated late so I guess it depends. But either way I'm trying soooo hard not to symptom spot which is much easier said than done. I've been super nauseous (called into work one day even though I just didnt wanna go anyway) and I cant sleep to save my life. 3 hours and I'm awake and that's after fighting and trying everything to even fall asleep. Last night was my first real sleep in about a week and it was only because I laid down when I'd been awake 22 hours already. Theres the fluctuation in my appetite (both hunger and sexual sorry for some tmi?) But I'm so damn stressed out. Everything's gone for the shits at work and I almost walked out not even 2 weeks ago. I've gotta deal with a lot of stuff while my papas in the hospital..so I'm figuring out his finances, where he should get placed, getting paperwork drafted for POA and everything. Like ugh.

But. I'm using these cool filters to take the tar and nicotine out of my smokes so that I can quit. And instead of taking prenatal vitamins every day I've gotten gummy multivitamins. It's the little thing that your mind picks up on right? Maybe it'll stop stressing me so much. Even though I test all the time when I know it's too early. We've all got our flaws?

[myttcstory]

Finally CD1 post MC. It's super light but I've got terrible cramps.. so glad I'm on days off though so I can just curl in a ball and be a sad suck.

There's just been so much going on lately that its left my head spinning some days, but it's not all bad. I just need my lovely to go find work again..because I'm going to start freaking out soon about it..damn.

[myttcstory]

HCG is back to 0, at least it happened quickly I guess.?

I'm looking for a new job and thinking about calling the daycare again to try my damndest to get an interview set up because I need change so badly.. I need a day job. I need a positive environment. I need something that isn't what I have right now.

[myttcstory]

I'm at work for another hour and a half, and my job gets busy in about 15 minutes. But I just need a minute. So I'm in a locked room, so no one can bother me or really even find me.

I'm not sure why it's all bothering me right now, but I want my hcg to be back at 0. I don't want to go for my blood draws to monitor it. I just want it to be done already. I don't want the reminder. I just want my bed right now in all honesty. I want my cuddles and affection. I want the world to be quiet. Maybe today is going to be a hard Day, maybe, it's because today I should be counting how long until we're "safe". Maybe it's because it's the first day at work on a weekend without a safety net. Maybe, it's just because today I need a little extra time. Or, most likely, it's because tomorrow I'm doing photos for my friend's daughter's first birthday.

Whatever the reason may be, I just need a little extra love today.

[myttcstory]

I'm so bitter and I hate it. My best friend finds out the gender of her baby tomorrow, and it's been 8 days since I lost ours, and I just want to tell her to fuck off and leave me alone.

I'm such an asshole.

[myttcstory]

How am I not supposed to feel terrible for wanting to keep trying and just wanting to BD even though I'm not even done bleeding. I havent even finished bleeding yet. I haven't processes how much this loss is affecting me. And I'm looking for another job that isn't night shift, because my health needs to be more important than my pay check. Because I need more time with my love especially right now. And because I can't walk into our dining room at work without it hurting..That's where I lost our baby. It's just a lot to process right now I guess.

[myttcstory]

Time to try for a rainbow..

Just got confirmation that our baby is gone. He's really upset and it hasn't hit me yet..I just want to get drunk and sleep for a week and wake up where this was all a dream and I get a positive .. now they're testing me for RH and I might need a shot before I can go home. I don't like this at all..

[myttcstory]

Trigger warning: miscarriage

Left work 5 hours early to go to emerge.. 99.9% sure I'm miscarrying and already passed the yolk sac.. this can't be happening. This is not how things are supposed to go..