My Voice Has Left Me.

Creative writing and other things that come from my inner desire to connect with others.

[myvoicehasleftme]

Not sure if I should go on. Trapped. Feeling hopeless. Feeling out of control. Thought I was doing the right thing. Though I was being responsible.

[theanimalmemes]

sexual texts on your dash?

[feelingsfrommoviesandseries]

[myvoicehasleftme]

if time is finite but the past is ever present...what do I make of the now?

something about being in a foreign land alone revives nostalgia you thought you had burned to ashes. instead, you find it buried in shallow dirt. 

seeing the men in their suits walk on the sidewalk below my hotel window, brings memories of you, of us a summer ago. every time i glance out my window and i see a man in a suit, i look twice to see if it’s you. i know it won’t be but i long to see you, even if from the second floor. 

you held me all night, kissing my right cheek and ear. we never slept, our hearts beating, racing too fast. i felt a strange familiarity. and in that moment, i felt complete. for one night, few precious hours, you were my home. thinking back now, a part of me wished we had fucked, or at least kissed. maybe things would’ve been worse but at least we would’ve known. we would’ve known the tension that permanently exists between us. perhaps, it is only my flesh that feels a tug towards yours when in the confines of your close proximity. when you touch me, i feel a blunt stabbing in the top right hand corner of my heart and for a moment I decide to live there before detaching myself, my feelings. 

you are not the one. i’m sure of it. i’m unsure of it. i’m sure of it. we shared one perfect night that continued into a madness of pain and chaos of which you did not participate. i avoid you but keep you close enough to escape into these little moments, where i somehow feel that we know something, the something that exists between us. the never finished cycle of attraction, the torment, and haunting of our souls which collide against our wills. against my will. 

and right now in this moment, if you came two doors over and knocked, grabbed the back of my neck as I opened the door and kissed me hard and fast, i have to believe i would turn you down. i would push, pull, and back away. you won’t do this of course. you don’t feel the way i do. none of this actually exists.   

[myvoicehasleftme]

not sure why i have days i feel purposeless. even when i have so much to do, i still feel purposeless. i feel lost. like i belong with no one. continuously haunted by the past and my poor decisions. i don’t know why i’m in school. like, i do because i didn’t know what else to do but i have no idea what i’ll actually do with it. the inability to perform and dance still ages me to no end. i feel old. i feel passionless most of the time. i feel uninspired unless i’m making pieces or making love. and these are typically the only times i feel like i matter. i want too many things for which i do not have the money. i cannot afford to live. i am drowning in doubt, buried deep. i allow people younger than me to disrespect me and people who are older to not listen to my ideas. 

I wonder if I am valuable in any way to anyone beyond my 

[myvoicehasleftme]

fear consumes my mind too often. and i know i’m not suppose to fear because it is from the devil and the Lord commands us not to worry about a thing because life is precious and short. and everything in this world is designed to scare us away from him and distract us from the true source. i know this and yet my mortality demands to become my priority and badger me until i lose all sense of productivity and sanity. i can’t escape it all. my past. it feels like it will forever haunt me and yet i know it will only because i allow it to. i allow the pain to follow me around instead of choosing to be happy. i’ve made steps sure but i still find myself in these moments wanting to run away or die. disappear from this life then ceaselessly tortures me, mostly in my most happy of times. it creeps in, stealing my joy as the devil often does. i just want it all to disappear, to never have happened. i can’t take it back. i can’t change it. and this drives me to a point of sadness i cannot process nor handle. 

[myvoicehasleftme]

Charles is everything and more. Fin.

[myvoicehasleftme]

And in that moment you know that this person....this small person you have happened to meet in this small town is your counterpart. Your missing piece of life. And all you wanna do now is hold on because you forgot what it felt like to be complete, or maybe you never knew. But you do know that it's real and nothing else seems to matter.

[myvoicehasleftme]

I miss being wrapped in someone else's arms.

[br-e-a-t-h-e]

[myvoicehasleftme]

Notions of love. And what is it to feel something real? To feel whole? Is it possible to be completed by someone? Or maybe it's a place that fills empty bits of your heart that haven't been occupied by regret and doubt and fear. And perhaps I know everyone should stay far away from me. No matter how I may draw them in, it's all a cruel trick. They don't realize how broken I truly am and how much work that is required to communicate with me. Especially when I'm in a mood. I crave the wrong things, the wrong men, the wrong amount of sleep, the wrong food, the wrong behavior. I'm beaten down by the remnants of my experiences...the graphic altercations that live inside my head, feeding off of the sadness I can't escape no matter how far I go to abandon my former self. She's still here. She lives here in this shell.

[lovehigher]

[coral]

[coral]

[therelatableimages]

[coral]

[coral]