Brave.

My name is Alexis. I used to define myself by my symptoms, diagnoses, and illnesses, but now I know better.

[mywholeheartedtruth]

It’s not even November yet, and the thoughts are creeping in.

I feel fine…mostly.

But the truth lingers in my mind and I can’t escape it.

I’m not making it out of this alive.

[mywholeheartedtruth]

I’m back because I don’t know where else to go with these thoughts.

My eating disorder is raging. I’ve been in agonizing pain and vomiting every time I eat for three weeks, and I just keep eating less and less and the ED voice just keeps getting louder and louder. I’ve lost a significant amount of weight in two weeks, and when I saw the number on the scale yesterday, my heart leapt for joy despite the awful reason for the weight loss.

I saw my dietitian yesterday, and she told me she was my ride or die if I’m working towards life. But if I choose my ED, she won’t watch me die. She coached me through eating 10 crackers and I cried my way through it. I have not eaten anything since then. I know I should try to eat some crackers, but my brain is saying “why have 140 calories when you could have none?”

I want to talk to someone about these thoughts and have someone sit with me while I eat for accountability, but I have no one. My wife thinks I’m not eating to avoid the pain and she understands that, and in a way, I guess I am. But really, I’m not eating because I feel powerful. I feel in control of my body for the first time in weeks. I don’t want to lose that feeling.

My supervisor at work knows how much I’m struggling and I’ve been very honest with her. She wants to have a phone call tomorrow to discuss how to handle my clients on Monday. But I can’t afford not to work if she finds out I haven’t eaten since Friday, since I don’t plan to eat tomorrow either. I feel like I can’t be honest with her.

I was doing well a month ago, and now I feel so entrenched again. I don’t know how to dig myself out, or if I even want to.

[mywholeheartedtruth]

Why the fuck is everyone dying.

[mywholeheartedtruth]

I feel so alone and I need to talk to someone and I don’t have anyone I can call and I’m just so sad and scared and hurt.

[mywholeheartedtruth]

I just keep fucking shit up and I want to be done.

[mywholeheartedtruth]

I fucked up.

[mywholeheartedtruth]

I don’t know what to do with all my anger and rage and I just want to binge and purge and I’ve wanted to for weeks now. Fuck.

[mywholeheartedtruth]

How have you been doing lately? How is your girlfriend? I haven’t seen her posts recently and wondering how is she as well?

Thanks for asking! We’re actually engaged as of October 2017!

We moved to Canada in November 2017 and are in the spousal sponsorship process. Unfortunately the government is dragging their feet and don’t believe we submitted enough proof that we were common law at the time we submitted our application so we have 60 days to prove it to them before we’re denied. We’re scrambling to find more proof to submit and it’s really quite stressful.

I’m working for a grocery delivery company and trying to find a better paying job, because adulting and paying bills is difficult on a single income for two people.

Also we live with my parents because we can’t afford rent until she has a job, and my mom was given temporary custody of a really special 9 year old girl in November that we’ve essentially been co-parenting with my mom, and her legal guardian is trying to take her back and it’s not in the child’s best interest so we’re scrambling to figure out what next steps we can take to fight for my mom to get real custody...but I have no idea how it’s all going to work.

I just am feeling a lot of things right now and I want to go back to therapy but I can’t afford it because it’s not covered by health insurance in Ontario.

[mywholeheartedtruth]

I have so many feelings. I feel like I’m drowning in feelings, and for the first time in years, I’m having urges to binge and purge to get them out because I’m powerless to do anything else.

[mywholeheartedtruth]

Welp I finally got to see a psychiatrist at the local hospital, and she tried to diagnose me with borderline and said I’m in denial and won’t get better until I accept that I have borderline, not “true bipolar”. I told her that’s bullshit and I’m not borderline, and who is she to diagnose me with that when she hasn’t even heard my full history. She cut me off before I even got to the part about going to treatment in 2014. She can suck it.

[mywholeheartedtruth]

I want to go back to therapy. Fuck OHIP for not covering it.

[mywholeheartedtruth]

Wtf why am I jealous of my friend who was just admitted to hospital for her ED...

[mywholeheartedtruth]

Tbh I miss being sickly skinny sometimes. I hate admitting that because I don’t miss the eating disorder, just the body I had...

[mywholeheartedtruth]

This is probably a throwback but do you still speak to Molly? Or Trudy? I miss there tumblrs and remember I found them through you actually.

I am still Facebook friends with them. We don’t really talk though. I’d be open to resuming communication though!

[mywholeheartedtruth]

i’m having a hard time, but i don’t actually know what’s going on.

i have so many thoughts swirling in my brain, and i wish that i had someone i could just word vomit to. I want to go back to therapy but i’m in canada and have no extra insurance, and i’m making less than minimum wage delivering groceries for a living right now. 

i have no social supports. well, i have liv, and that’s great...and we both live at home with my family, but i have no friends really, and i’m exceedingly lonely. i don’t have coworkers because i’m an independent contractor. i don’t go to church because fuck church. 

i’m worried that my mental health is starting to slip. i’ve been feeling noticably more depressed over the past couple months, and my anxiety is super high, and yet...I’m still working 50+ hours a week because i need to pay my bills.

i’ve decided i’m going to enroll in an acting class at a local college starting May 1st because I need some in person social interaction with people other than my family, grocery clerks, and customers. 

i don’t know what resources i can access here, because i’m not relapsing with my eating disorder, and that’s the only way i’ve ever reached out for help. i’m also not in crisis, and i don’t want to get to a place where i am. i’m just confused about how to navigate the system here when a) i have no money b) i hate my family doctor and c) i’m not completely falling apart and needing to go to the ER. 

the sad thing is that i really considered enrolling in full-time classes just so i’d have access to the on-campus counselling services...when i think what i really need is just a long talk with a good friend...but idk how to do that anymore when i haven’t really talked to my friends in months. 

[mywholeheartedtruth]

you know what i realized today? well, re-realized? i’ve got thousands of dollars of credit card debt that i’m trying to pay off, but like...really what i’m paying for is my eating disorder and compulsive shopping issues. 

i haven’t spent money on my credit cards for a very long time, but like, mostly i bought food and random shit when i was manic. 

consequences of mental illness extend far beyond just the physical and social ramifications. i’m going to be literally paying for my eating disorder for years. 

[mywholeheartedtruth]

i have officially moved back to canada and liv and i are living with my parents. we just got a new cat who won’t come out from under the chair in the spare room. i’m delivering groceries with Instacart, and generally feeling entirely unfulfilled in life. i desperately don’t want to go back to social work but i feel like i’m drowning in debt now that my student loans need to be paid back, on top of credit card payments, phone payments, etc. i have no idea how i’m supposed to be able to pay for rent or a mortgage or anything in the future when i can barely keep my head above water right now. and also i am exhausted. just so tired all the time. i just want to crawl into a hole and never come out but instead i’m sitting surrounded by people in tim hortons for the next 10 hours while i wait to get an order to deliver.