i have been feeling loved and so full of love lately. a lot of good things have been happening and a lot of exciting things are coming my way, and i’m trying really hard to feel like this is all well-deserved, but i can’t help but feel so suspicious of it today. my parents talked to me the other day, telling me that they’re proud of how independent and responsible i am, but to continue working hard and be determined until i graduate because they want me to live a rly full life. tbh i haven’t felt depressed in a while, so i’m kinda surprised these thoughts are making an appearance literally the night i go to puerto rico with my bf and his family lol. i was so depressed and suicidal when i was younger, so i never pictured myself even making it this far in life. and now that im here, it’s still hard for me to picture reaching certain milestones that have yet to come my way. i still can’t picture myself ever getting married, having my own kids, owning my own house, etc. even though it’s all something i dream and would love to have every single day. it just seems so unrealistic for me, but it’s like i continue to keep doubting my worth and in my self to think these are things i won’t be able to achieve. i feel so lonely in my thoughts sometimes. even when spending the holidays with family, being surrounded with so much love, and to feel and know that i am loved, i still feel so lonely in my thoughts. i do not know how to feel worthy and loved on my own, i thrive the most when i am surrounded by people i love, yet constantly feel so alone and sometimes, not even in a bad way. idk where i am getting at with this, but i can’t help but feel like i won’t ever be satisfied with myself.
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