° ◐ — wandering

darling you got to let me know , should i stay or should i GO ? if you say that you are mine , i'll be here till the ( end ) of time. so you got to LET me know, should i s t a y or should i GO? one day is ( fine ) and next it's B L A C K , so if you want me off your back . well come on and let me K N O W should i stay or should i go ? if i go there will be ( t r o u b l e ) , but if stay it will be DOUBLE . if you don't w a n t me, set me free. but come on and let me ( know ) , should i stay or should i GO?

[planturfeet]

and just like that, it was all over. all the panic and anxiety and worry was gone and they had a fucking baby. a baby, just… crying. right there, in nancy’s arms. steve could hardly believe his eyes. they cleaned the baby off and helped nancy shower, then they were alone in their room with the baby for the first time, and to be honest, steve didn’t even know where to begin.

he just watched as this now quiet, happy little baby, with tiny feet, tiny hands, and a tiny face, looked up at her parents with those big blue eyes that belonged to her mother. 

“nancy, you………” steve started, unsure of where to go within his own sentence. “you had a baby.”

[nancxwheelxrs]

regardless of having had nine months to prepare herself, when it came down to it, nancy was certain that there was no real way to ever prepare for it. everything seemed to happen so slowly, and yet so quickly, and she was just so thankful to have had her favorite people surrounding her while delivering this happy, healthy, sweet little baby. how she and steve had gotten to this point, with all of their doubts and tribulations ... it was worth it all.

as she held their daughter in her arms, so delicately and careful as nancy was afraid to break the precious little thing, she nodded happily with tears in er eyes. “yeah, yeah i did,” she said with a breathy laugh, looking up at steve with a fondness in her eyes that rivaled everything else.

“we did - steve, we had a baby, and she’s the most perfect, beautiful thing i’ve ever seen ... next to you, of course.” she smiled, clearly teasing as her gaze returned to their baby who wiggled lightly in nancy’s arms. she adjusted, and all was well again. “we never did think about names, did we?”

[nancxwheelxrs]

planturfeet :

“cheap,” he replied. he couldn’t remember the exact number, but real estate in hawkins wasn’t exactly competitive and he still had lots of money from when he fought, so it was well within their means.

he shrugged a little. he knew this was getting a little too optimistic for his liking, but he figured why not. “sure, if that’s something you wanted. i don’t see why not. i can set up something for this week so we can check it out.” he scrubbed his arms, though it was a nervous tick more than it was a part of his shower. 

steve just didn’t know what to do about all this; did he go all in and expect pain, or distance himself and miss out on the process? it was all too much to deal with.

his response was something she had come to expect, as it wasn’t like steve to deny nancy of anything, but she was a little surprised at how easily he agreed to take a look at the house. she wanted to believe he was going to make the appointment for a showing because he wanted to as well, but nancy knew better.

she let out a sigh, pushing off the counter and stepping over to the shower, peeling back the curtain just enough so she could get a look at his face. “are you just saying that to appease me? or because you don’t think it’s such a bad idea?” the brunette asked, narrowing her eyes at her husband with a playfulness in her expression. “because if memory serves me right, you brought up the idea of moving back to hawkins first! just saying,” she trailed, a small smirk playing on her lips.

[nancxwheelxrs]

planturfeet :

steve enjoyed his job, but it was a little difficult to focus. he had so much on his mind; number one being the fact that nancy hadn’t had a miscarriage… yet. he knew it was coming, he was prepared for when it did. he just wished it wouldn’t mess with him like this. it was as if the whole world had decided to play a little game with them; let’s see how long it takes before they get hopeful, then rip it all to shreds once they admitted it.

steve was done with that.

but work was pretty uneventful so he could afford to be spacey. he got home and went right to shower – despite not having done much, he still preferred to shower after work because it just made everything feel better. he was still in the shower when he heard a knock and figured it was nancy. what she said next wasn’t really a surprise, he was just curious as to what brought it on.

he thought about it for a moment before answering. “yeah, you know that two-story on cherry avenue? the white one with blue shutters? the hoopers are selling it for pretty cheap.”

steve would be lying if he said he hadn’t been on top of every house for sale in that town.

one of nancy’s childhood friends lived on cherry ave; she spent a lot of time biking up and down that street and when whizzing by, she always liked the blue shutters against the pale white siding. nodding, more to herself than to steve, she replied. “yeah, yeah, i know the one. it’s got that little patio in the back.” every time she passed by it, she could just barely see the furniture and big umbrella just off the side of the garage behind the house. the more she thought about the hoopers’ house, the more she found herself growing hopeful. and that was a dangerous thing.

“how cheap?” she asked, just blurted the question out without much thinking. nancy mentally scolded herself, knowing better than that. “i mean ... do you think it’s one we should check out? just in case?” that question felt a lot safer, more comfortable rolling off of nancy’s tongue. 

being nearly four months pregnant, nancy’s body was just different, and she couldn’t possibly ignore the fact that there was this little baby relying on her. as much as she wanted to stay neutral about the whole thing, since it was more than likely that she was going to have another miscarriage, there were moments of hopefulness that were hard to mask. if she really is to have a baby, then they’re going to need a home, and moving isn’t the quickest thing in the world. 

“we’d be prepared, just ... yanno. if this doesn’t work out,” she found herself instinctively resting her hands over her stomach, “at least you’d be closer to work, max would be back with the kids, we’d get to awkwardly run into your parents at the super market,” nancy let out a weak laugh.

[nancxwheelxrs]

planturfeet :

steve masked his fear well- nancy made no comment so he must’ve been doing a good job. “yeah. yeah.” it was really all he could say, all the other words were getting stuck and he wanted to change the subject. “just… something to think about, that’s all.”

he didn’t care where they lived. he didn’t care if they were facing their fears or running from them. hell, he hadn’t stopped running since he was seventeen. even now, he ran. he just used alcohol to do it for him. all of them were suffering, so why not suffer together, right.

and for the past few months, moving back home to hawkins was always on nancy’s mind. that, coupled with the fact that she was still pregnant. getting as far as the first trimester was something nancy hadn’t experienced before, considering her miscarriages usually occurred before such a milestone, and it was taking a lot not to get her hopes up about the whole thing. max had told her, a million times, that it was okay to get excited over having a baby! but after so many failed attempts, nancy felt like she ‘knew better’ not to. steve clearly felt the same way.

but with such few obstacles thus far during this pregnancy, nancy felt the pull to open up the moving discussion with steve again. maybe, just maybe, they could even talk a little about their baby; it was usually a topic nancy skirted around, since it was this mutually agreed upon thing between the two of them that they wouldn’t get attached to the idea in case it didn’t work out ... again. 

yet still, nancy peeked her head into the bathroom as steve was showering since he’d just gotten back from a shift at the police department. drumming her knuckles against the wood, she padded in and lightly kicked the door shut behind her. “hey,” she startled, leaning against the counter; it was easier to talk about this if she couldn’t directly see him through the curtain, helped with the nerves, “so, uh, have you ... sees any ‘for sale’ signs in front of houses in hawkins lately?”

[nancxwheelxrs]

planturfeet :

he chuckled a little. “yeah, same here. hopper is one fierce motherfucker,” he replied. steve would’ve hated to know what it’s like to be on that man’s bad side, that was for sure. he owed hopper a lot.

he watched as nancy thought about the options, the possibilities- he could see the wheels turning. steve gave a nod. “yeah, it would be weird,” he agreed. but he glanced behind him to make sure their daughter was out of earshot. “but max misses her friends, i know it. seeing them once a week isn’t enough; she’s just barely scraping by in school because she has no motivation to get anything done without them. even if… if things don’t work out, moving back just for her is enough for me.” his hand went up to lightly grace her cheek.

“i’m just as afraid of that place as you are, nance. but think about it – no activity since the attack here, in our apartment. the kids would’ve told us if there were. i’m on the police force, that means i’ll get immediate knowledge of any threats around town. the party will be all together, ready to do whatever’s necessary. i think… i think it might be worth accidentally running into my parents, or an ex-friend from high school, wouldn’t you say?”

nancy knew as well as steve did that max missed hawkins; maybe she didn’t miss a single thing about living in her old house, but she missed her friends and that sense of purpose she gets when surrounded by the party. “maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, if all of us go back together ...” she trailed, still weighing everything in her mind but steve was making some good points. “and like you said, even if things don’t work out ... it’s our job to do what’s best for her.” nancy reminded, a hint of optimism in her voice as she leaned into steve’s touch. 

everything that he was telling her made sense, and honestly, moving back to hawkins was really starting to sound like a good idea instead of a bad one. but still, there was that sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach that brought her right back to the upside down, to trying to sweat out the monster deep inside of will, to hugging her brother so tight after seeing he was alive during a time where she wasn’t sure he would be ... that was when she started to breath a little quicker, her chest heaving, her fingers gripping onto steve’s shirt again.

“it’s just ... scarey. for me. after everything, i,” she chewed at her lip, closing her eyes as she counted down from 100 until she could return to a normal breath. “maybe we should move back ... face my fears, see that there’s nothing to worry about anymore. like you said, the last attack was here, in our apartment. maybe i should be more scared of this place then back home,” she admitted with a huff, “besides, we can handle running into your parents, or carol and tommy ... and it’d be nice to be closer to mike and the kids, too.”

[nancxwheelxrs]

planturfeet :

he nodded. “yeah. kevin and i are still friends, we still work out together, so i’m sure i can still fight. just not the way i used to, that’s all.” that’s another thing he’d miss, the inherent storyline of the fights, the process of getting assigned a partner, all that – it was the nonviolent but thrilling part of fighting that steve learned to enjoy as well. but that he could sacrifice; he didn’t mind so much. 

as for her question, he shrugged. “i just trained there so i could be with hopper. he literally had to fight with the city council to get me on the force – they couldn’t afford another cop but he argued that since one of the cops was retiring, that i should fill the spot. we don’t have to move there if you don’t want to – i’d never ask you to do that if it wasn’t something you wanted as well.”

“but you could still fight! that’s gotta count for something, y’know?” nancy said, trying to encourage him to still keep in touch with kevin and at least do something that he loves. something that he gets some real relief out of doing. more than anything, nancy just wanted her husband to be happy and healthy, and that meant keeping up with the things that made him feel better, even for a little while.

she smiled, nodding at the mention of hopper’s insistence to get steve on the force. “sounds like hop ... i’d hate to have been on the city council when he walked in.” nancy admitted, looking up at him with a smirk, but it slowly faltered at his following words. she hadn’t put a ton of thought into moving back to hawkins; hell, she moved just to escape the past that has brought all of them a whole lot of pain. but after it all, now that she was going to hopefully be having a baby, moving back home where their families were didn’t sound like the most repulsive idea. 

“it’d feel weird ... moving back,” she admitted, balling up his shirt into her fists as she still had her arms wrapped around his waist, “but with our baby ... your job ... max,” nancy trailed, weighing everything over in her mind rapidly, “maybe it wouldn’t be the worst idea. what do you think?”

[nancxwheelxrs]

planturfeet :

steve bit down on his lip. “yeah, i… i know.” the idea of parting from the thing that made him feel better was really fucking hard. he glanced away for a few moments, trying to put it all into words. he didn’t really know how to explain it to her. “what i want to do and what i should do are two different things. it doesn’t matter what i want, especially when i know how much you hate me fighting.” 

“besides,” he noted, “it’s still dangerous and i can still fight, in a way. just… a different fight, i guess.” he was heartbroken that he had to give up his thing, the one thing he was really good at, the thing that made him feel confident and strong and alive. but he knew that this was for the best and it would better serve nancy and their family in the long run. steve was just fine with that. he smiled a little. “don’t you worry about me.”

not letting her arms drop from around his waist, she adjusted just a bit to get a better look at the boy; he was always hard for her to read, but still she tried to gauge where he was really at with all of this. “i’ve learned to tolerate your fighting ... i’m not crazy about it, but i don’t necessarily hate it.” she clarified, sharing with him a lopsided grin.

she nodded, understanding what he was mostly trying to get at; being a cop would provide him with a different type of fight, of thrill, but still nancy wasn’t convinced that that would be enough for steve. she knew what fighting was for him and the escape and pride that it provided him. honestly, she worried a little what would happen if he didn’t have that type of outlet in his life. “maybe you can still fight, in the ring, from time to time?” she asked, raising her brows a little as she tried to find a solution that would work for both of them.

raising her brow skeptically at him, she tilted her head to the side as if he had just suggested something ridiculous - because he had. “i always worry, so don’t hold your breath,” she said with a huff, a small smile on her face now too, “did you want to move back to hawkins? is that why you trained there or? i’m just trying to understand.”

[nancxwheelxrs]

planturfeet :

he was nervous about how to approach this, but he figured here went nothing. he gave a light shrug. “so every day for about a month now, i haven’t actually been going to the boxing gym like i said i have. i’ve been heading to work. at my, uh, my new job.” he cleared his throat a little. “i’m a cop- a member of the hawkins police force.”

after dropping that minor bombshell, he paused for a moment before explaining further. “i don’t know why i didn’t tell you, i guess i wanted to surprise you, show you i could do something good with my life, something more stable, and hopper told me i’d be really good at it so i took all the classes and got my certificate and did all the training and stuff like that, and… and i dunno. just thought you should know now that you’re gonna have a baby, that i’ve got something solid for us in hawkins. in case you wanted to move there.” he gave another shrug. “if you didn’t want to move there that’s fine too, the commute really isn’t bad.”

before he got a chance to continue, nancy looked at him with knitted brows and a confused expression that softened her features. “but you love fighting -” she started, stopping herself so she wouldn’t miss his explanation. as soon as she heard hawkins police force, her eyes went a little wide.

all of this came as a pretty massive surprise for the brunette, shaking her head as she was trying to wrap her brain around the whole thing. she had been so sure steve was just going to the gym and working on his fighting as he normally had, so she definitely didn’t expect him to actually be making the drive down to hawkins to get certified and do training to be a cop ... although, she did know hopper was right, steve would be really good at it. while she wasn’t upset, she was just confused. confused about why he wouldn’t tell her, and more importantly, why he would ever think that he wasn’t already doing something good in his life. 

regardless, she swallowed, letting her brows relax before she broke out into a bit of a smile. “you’re a police officer now?” she asked, looking up at him with warm eyes, “but ... fighting, you love it. i never wanted you to give it up, steve, i know you it’s your thing. i think you’ll be an amazing cop, that’s not the thing at all! i just ... are you sure that’s what you want?”

[nancxwheelxrs]

planturfeet :

he shrugged a little. “sure, whatever you want! i don’t mind either way.” just as long as they could see a doctor and figure all this out. he hugged her back warmly, trying to infuse as much nonverbal support as possible. 

“i love you so much, nancy,” he replied, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. he needed her to know just how much he cared, how much he loved her and how he wished he could be hopeful for her. unfortunately it just wasn’t possible; not for the boy that had fallen down so far, even before they had started trying for a child.

he gazed down at her for a moment. “want some additional good news – or at least i think it’s pretty good news.” he was nervous to tell her a secret he’d been holding onto for about a month now. he wasn’t quite sure how she’d take it.

she sighed into his embrace, content and trying to take in his support. closing her eyes as she felt his lips against the top of her head, she tightened her arms around him just a bit. she wanted more than anything in that moment to receive something good for once in their lives; steve deserved it, so did max, and quite frankly so did nancy. 

after a few minutes of simply breathing him in and trying to keep her emotions in check, she pulled her cheek from his chest to look up at him as he spoke. with knitted brows, she wondered what good news he had for her, but she nodded nonetheless. “yeah, yeah, of course. good news would be, well, good, right about now.” she admitted with a huff of a laugh, shrugging.

[nancxwheelxrs]

planturfeet :

steve didn’t have any hope for a baby anymore. he tried- he tried so fucking hard for her. every night he would lay in bed and pray and beg anyone that would listen for a baby. and every morning he’d wake up to another soul-crushing, devastating disappointment. it wasn’t nancy’s fault, of course it couldn’t be her fault – steve wasn’t upset with her at all.

but he just didn’t know if he could take it anymore. his mental health was rocky as it were, and to have the constant push and pull of not knowing was only making it worse. he started drinking a bit more. and that’s why he told nancy this was the last time. for her sake, for his sake, for max’s sake- this was the last shot. and if this didn’t work, they’d look into adoption, or they’d be just fine with max alone.

he leaned against the counter and the alarm went off. nancy held out the test to him and he took it carefully. two lines. 

“it’s a positive,” he answered, a small smile on his face. it wasn’t forced, but steve had gotten really good at convincing himself for the moment that it was real. “you’re pregnant. i can make an appointment with a doctor for tomorrow if you want.”

it’s a positive, you’re pregnant. nancy had heard those words before, had been equally exciting and disappointed by them, but this time she decided to stay pretty neutral. this was going to be their last try, and if it didn’t work out, nancy didn’t want to feel even worse than she already would by getting her hopes up. so instead she just took the test from steve’s hand, stared at the two lines for a few seconds, and nodded. 

“it’s alright, i can call. you’ve done it enough,” she said easily, a small smile on her lips as she looked up at her husband. it was bittersweet to vocalize the many times steve had called to make her an appointment, since they often ended with bad news, but nancy felt differently about this time. maybe she felt less invested, less hopeful, or maybe she was just more confident that this was going to work out. after all, if it was going to be their last try, it was hard for her to imagine it not working out; they deserved that much from the world. 

the brunette dragged herself up onto her feet, and softly wrapped her arms around steve in a warm embrace. “last time’s a charm?” she asked, a chuckle hanging onto the end of her question before she pressed her cheek to his chest. “no matter what, i love our family. i love you.” nancy sighed, not even wanting to think about what thoughts were running through steve’s head.

[nancxwheelxrs]

there had been so many positives, false positives, painful miscarriages, and disappointment came laced with every outcome. when it happened the first time, nancy just thought it was a sad accident, a mere coincidence - something that could happen to any couple trying to get pregnant. it wasn’t until the second time that she found out it was going to be hard for them to have a baby, that nancy has some fertility issues. and when her doctor had uttered those words, it sounded more like a verdict: trying was going to be hopeless, so don’t waste your time. 

so nancy reacted as expected. she blamed herself for not being able to give steve a child, or max a sibling, or the party something to be happy or excited about because maybe something good could really come their way. she tried skirting some of the blame on the monster hunting and the upside-down and all of the fucked up shit they had to deal with when they were still just kids. 

thank god for max, because after so many failed attempts at getting pregnant and staying pregnant, she was always the one who could convince nancy to stay hopeful. steve couldn’t be persuaded, which hurt nancy because she so badly wanted him to believe that she could do this for them, but she also understood why he was so pessimistic about the whole thing. max never seemed to lose faith, though, and for a million other reasons plus this one, nancy loved her daughter. 

if all they ever had was max in their life, nancy could accept that. she would be more than okay with that, and steve would be too - nancy knew that. but she also wanted to know that she could bring life into this world instead of just taking it away; she wanted steve to feel a sort of purpose that she could never provide him all on her own. but with the negative pregnancy tests and scattered miscarriages when they were positive, nancy had kept a lot to herself until she just wasn’t sure she could keep doing this. it was so hard, and she felt like a failure to everyone, including herself, so she was almost relieved when steve suggested that they try one more time and if it doesn’t work out, then they’ll stop trying and figure it out. 

she sat on the edge of the tub, a test in her hand as she was waiting for the minutes to tick by until she’d get the result. despite steve standing in front of her, leaning against the countertop, she couldn’t bring herself to look at him. “last one ... like we agreed,” she said, nodding firmly as she took a deep breath; she didn’t know if she wanted it to be a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’, but she was scared to look once the three minutes were up. she closed her eyes, turning her head and holding out the test for steve to read it, “you tell me, whatever it is, it’s okay. it’ll be okay, just you tell me.” @jimhcppcr

[nancxwheelxrs]

planturfeet :

steve nodded and sent off the message to max, then returned his phone to his pocket. he knew max would be upset, but confident in them. everything would be okay.

he shut his eyes for a few moments, just to exist in the quiet. jaw clenched, he couldn’t relax, he couldn’t bring himself to calm down, but he supposed that was understandable given the circumstances. he wanted a drink. he wanted a drink so fucking bad he thought he’d die. he wanted to get completely fucked up and forget this ever happened. he decided he would at some point this week, once nancy was back home and everything had settled. he needed to lose himself for a moment. 

because even though it literally had nothing to do with him, he felt guilty. pregnancy was initially a team effort, right? if he hadn’t wanted kids so bad, if he hadn’t gotten nancy pregnant, she wouldn’t have to be going through this pain.

nancy let her eyes flutter to a close, too. it was mostly quiet in her room, aside from the subtle beep of a monitor or the sound of feet shuffling past the door. steve’s hand in hers was comforting, and she had the makings to be able to fall asleep, but it wasn’t happening. she was too anxious, and had too much running through her mind, and quite frankly she was too sad. the details and reality and pain started coming back to her, and she couldn’t help but tear up as her cheeks grew warm again.

turning on her side as best she could, she faced steve and gave his hand a light squeeze. tears fell down her cheek but she didn’t make any effort to stop or wipe them away. instead of pretending to be strong, she needed to be weak, and what really killed her was knowing that steve was probably putting up a front to be strong for her. they could be upset about this together; it didn’t have to be an individual thing.

“i’m glad we never found out the gender ... i would’ve already had a million name ideas.” she said, out of the blue, and a little grim with a weak huff of a laugh. she was still in shock that she had miscarried, but the surprise didn’t distract from how sad she was over it. “god, i wish this never happened. when do we get something good where it stays good?” she asked, exhausted.

[nancxwheelxrs]

planturfeet :

he shook his head, adamant. “there’s no way in hell i’m leaving you, nancy. i don’t care. i’m staying.” he pulled out his phone to text max and let her know what was going on. she replied, telling steve to remind nancy how much she loved her.

“max says she loves you so much,” steve delivered. he lowered himself into the chair and sat hunched a little forward so nancy could hold his hand. he didn’t mind. he just wanted her to fall asleep so he could get emotional, just for a moment. he only needed a moment or two.

his thumb grazed over her skin soothingly. “i love you, nancy,” he reminded her softly. “more than anything in the world.”

“i mean, good. because i want you to stay. obviously. i just wanted to give you the option,” nancy defended, a small smile tugging at her lips. this night was hard enough for nancy, that wasn’t going to change anytime soon, so having steve around was better than not.

“tell her i love her so much more, that i’m sorry,” she mumbled, chewing at her lip as she was reminded of max. she was so excited for them, for the baby, for being a sister. nancy could see it in the way her face lit up when they first told her ... her her sank at the memory. nancy could only hope they’d get to share that excitement again and have it actually work out.

she settled into the bed uncomfortably, still in pain, and just waiting until she could finally shower. or maybe bathe, since standing upright for that long seemed like a feat. regardless, she sighed at steve’s words, nodding slowly as her gaze was focused on their laced fingers. “i love you, too.” was all she could manage to get out. there was a lot she was holding back, but maybe that was for the best.

[nancxwheelxrs]

planturfeet :

he couldn’t answer her question. he was feeling the same way. for him and the people he cared about, they just kept getting dealt blow after blow, tragedy after tragedy, and it sucked. it really fucking sucked. it was the sort of thing that sucked the hope right out of steve. it was the reason why he fought, drank, smoked, did reckless shit – it was defiance.

“i don’t know. but we’re due for a miracle, and we’re not gonna let it stop here.” he ran his fingers through her hair gently. when she answered him, he nodded.

“well you know i’ll never stop worrying about you, nancy. i love you more than life itself. i’ll never stop worrying. never.” he was fine with that, honestly. he’d rather worry about nancy constantly than to slip up for a single moment and wind up missing something. “i’ll stay the night with you, i’ll text max to let her know what’s going on, and tomorrow we’ll figure things out. okay?” he got up from the bed and pulled a chair up right next to the bed. he couldn’t lay in the bed with her, it’d be too uncomfortable for her, but he’d stay in that chair all night. 

“we’re due for two miracles. not settling for just one anymore,” she said, a little bitterly, but there was a faint smile playing up the corners of her mouth and nancy didn’t mind if it stayed there. if steve was the one, of all people, to be offering her some sort of silver lining, she needed to buy into it. or at least try to.

leaning into his touch as his fingers carded through her hair, she listened to him promise he’d never stop worrying about her and that was something she felt passionately about when it came to him; it was something nancy could irrevocably understand. “fine, but i’ll be okay. i’ll recover. really. try not to worry too much.” the girl mumbled, moving a little to better adjust so that she wasn’t too uncomfortable despite holding onto steve’s hand the entire time.

“you don’t have to stay, steve, it’s okay. i’m just going to sleep the whole time anyways, nothing’s gonna happen. it’s okay, you can sleep in our bed at home,” she said, wiping at her wet cheeks. nancy just wanted to give him an out to be alone for awhile, to let himself feel whatever it was he was feeling and hiding from her. because he had to have been more torn up then he was letting on; nancy could see it on his face. but obviously she didn’t want him to leave, either, but if he needed that, she wanted the door to be open for him to take that time and be by himself. 

[nancxwheelxrs]

planturfeet :

“yeah, yeah… see? everything happens for a reason, right? i’m sure the next time it’ll be just fine. everything will be just fine.” he kissed her fully, just for a moment. “i love you so much, nancy. you don’t need to apologize, it’s okay. it sucks, but it’s not your fault.”

he took a deep breath. honestly, steve was impressed at his own restraint. he felt like completely shattering, but he had to be strong for nancy. that was his job, that was his duty, to be strong for his wife in times of hardship. right?

he wiped her cheeks again. “when will you be able to come home?” he asked softly. he wanted her to be comfortable, of course. 

she could barely muster up enough strength to kiss him back, but she pressed her lips to his nonetheless. he could tell her otherwise a million times, but nancy felt like she did need to apologize, that somehow this was her fault. that she was so fucked up that whatever next time they’d have would just be doomed from the start. the only thing that seemed to fuel her was knowing how badly she wanted to give steve a family, a perfect little baby that was good and innocent and their’s. 

so instead of responding, she just nodded and tried to keep herself from hyperventilating. “when is something good ever going to happen?” she mumbled, grumbling a little as she couldn’t help but feel a little discarded by the universe. after everything, didn’t they deserve a break?

“they won’t release me until the morning, since it’s late, just to be sure i make it through the night without an infectious fever or something worse.” she uttered, emotionless as if she were saying it to another patient. “but like you said, everything will be fine. don’t worry about me.” she would, physically, be alright that nancy knew for certain. that was something steve didn’t need to worry about. mentally though ... she felt so unstable and sad. but she didn’t want him to worry about that either.

[nancxwheelxrs]

planturfeet :

steve sat on the edge of the bed and his free hand covered the one he was holding. “it’s not your fault, nancy,” he told her calmly. “miscarriages are natural, they happen in every one in four women, and it’s never the fault of the mother- has to do with something going on with the baby. it’s not your fault.” steve knew he shouldn’t be pressing her like this, but it was way too important. he couldn’t just let her drive herself crazy.

“plus… it doesn’t mean everything is over. you and i can try again when you’re ready.” he reached out to wipe the tears from her cheeks. “nancy, i promise, it’s going to be okay.” he leaned in to press a kiss to her forehead. “you and i have each other. we’ll figure this out, and we’ll try again if you want to. whatever you want.”

he understood why she was so upset. he just loved her so much, he was devastated to see her in so much pain. so he had to just sit there and let her cry, he had to just sit there and support her. 

steve’s ramblings were partly comforting to nancy, since the rational side of her brain seemed to spark at the mention of a statistic and she barely nodded in understanding. but then the irrational side took over again and she was back to panicking about this miscarriage somehow being her fault and her fault alone, because their little baby was perfect and couldn’t possibly have had something to do with this. she was just so set on having a baby, and bringing something good into the world for both of them, that this was absolutely heartbreaking. 

“yeah ... we could, could try again,” she choked, looking up at him with a lopsided grin; nancy knew that after a miscarriage, there was a higher likelihood that the next pregnancy would be successful. so they could, and nancy wanted to, but it was hard to think of that when she was still covered in blood and mourning the loss of whoever their little bundle would have been. 

she tugged his hands and pulled him a little closer when he mentioned that they had each other. nancy needed to be reminded that she wasn’t alone, that maybe she was a monster, but she wasn’t alone. “i love you ... i’m so sorry,” nancy said, tears still streaming down her cheeks and her voice a little watery. but she blinked away any new tears and took a few deep breaths, just needing a moment of control before she could continue. “i ... yes, yes, i want to try again. maybe it wasn’t the right time, maybe things will be even more perfect next time ... i want a next time. i want you, and max, and all of us to be happy.” and she felt deflated because god she did not feel happy in that moment. not in the slightest.

[nancxwheelxrs]

planturfeet :

the next thing steve knew he was being led to nancy’s room. and his initial thoughts were confirmed before anyone had spoken a word. he walked to her side and watched as the technician explained there was no heartbeat, the baby was gone, nancy had a miscarriage, they were incredibly sorry. 

it was like the floor had been ripped from under steve’s feet and he wasn’t quite sure where he was. this had to be a nightmare, a stress-induced nightmare where he pictured the worst case scenario and he’d wake up to nancy cooing and running her fingers through his hair. 

steve twisted the ring on his left hand with his thumb, his nervous habit as he just stood there, unable to speak. he brought nancy’s hand up to his mouth and kissed it gently. what he wouldn’t give to be in that baby’s place- he would’ve done anything. nancy could go without steve, but not without this. the baby was a part of her, part of both of them, but nancy was the one carrying it.

“i’m so sorry, nancy,” he murmured against her hand. he brought it back down. “i’m so sorry.” he looked down at her with a small smile- forced, obviously, trying to keep it all together. “it’ll be okay somehow. i promise.” there he was, doing what he hated most – making promises he wasn’t sure if he could keep.

seeing steve was supposed to make her feel better, and less alone, but god it just made her feel worse. she was left having to face the one person in the world who’d probably feel just as bad, if not worse, about having lost this precious baby. she started to pronounce the first syllable of his name but she simply couldn’t and just let herself cry instead; there was no pretending to be strong, not now. not when she had just been told she had a miscarriage. a miscarriage! something she didn’t for one second think she had any real reason to worry about. 

she closed her eyes as he kissed her hand, giving his fingers a very weak squeeze as the technician and other nurse left the room to give them a moment. now that she was stable, there was less to be fearful about for the staff; she was hooked up to a monitor anyways, just incase anything went wrong. 

“i’m so sorry. i ... i’m ... i couldn’t,” nancy stuttered, stumbled, struggled trying to get the words out. she felt like a failure. like she had truly failed them. they had been given this great moment of hope, but of course it was fleeting, and it was her fault. of course it was. she’s a monster.

at steve’s promise, nancy just her head; she knew he was trying to lessen the blow and spare her feelings in telling her somehow things will be okay, but she couldn’t believe it. not then at least. “i should’ve known, i - i was in so much pain, maybe the baby would’ve been ...” she trailed, the thought alone causing a sob to rip through her. she lost their baby ... they lost their baby.