Dear Everybody,
It’s been quite some time since we last spoke. I've missed you. Every single body in you. So much. So long. Come back to me. I miss you. Imma swirling and a twirling in a whirlwind of longing for our correspondence, and you had no idea. Did you? You were completely in the dark as to the fact that up until this moment right now, I chose to keep myself from speaking to you. I've remained silent when the fact is all i've wished to do is do the opposite of that. Me wanna speak to you, baby. Within all that was the speechless all i wanted was to be loud at you, boo. That's a fact. And here comes the why -- a why that is firmly mounted to the butt end of that fact. I no no speak at you when i wanna wanna why? Cuz you are the butt end of that fact. Traveling by the pulse of a silenced throat, me, a hushed vessel of vocals, rafting down a tube of possible conversation, paddling backwards towards the other hole of the tube. The hole I didn't enter into the tube thru. Which is, obviously, the butt of the tube. No. I've been paddling backwards AWAY from the end of the tube opposite from where I where i entered the tube because you are at the end of the tube and the end of the tube that isn't the end I entered thru is the butt of is the butt end. Because that's what you call the bottom of a tube. Right? That's what I call the bottom end of a tube. If no one but me calls one end of the tube the mouth and the other the butt, where did I get that from? I mean I could've easily made it up, but I think mouth and butt are good names for either end of any hypothetical tube. See, if I where to attach a tube to a wall, just a normal tube...no. i guess i don't really need to attach it to a wall, i don't want to confuse you unnecessarily, a wall would have no relevance in this scenario. the only reason the tube in this example would be up against a wall is because i want the tube to be standing like a person and i guess to make the tube a person that person is standing up against a wall to be measured for their height. that's why the tube person is standing up against the wall i guess. to see how much they've grown in a year or so. i guess only kids really do that kind of thing. so this person would be a kid. Or a teen or a highschooler or freshmen in college. this is why i said there isn't a wall. imagining a tube being a person who is a kid who is being measured for their height is too confusing. so no wall. instead, imagine you're holding a pvc pipe in your hand, say it has a diameter of five inches and it's two feet long or whatever. The length doesn't really matter it just has to be long enough for a marble to drop into n roll for a half a second or two which would be a whole second. If you drop a marble in the tube you are holding it will roll for a second. Of course, it doesn't have to be a marble. it could be something smaller or bigger than a marble. It could be a rock. A rock n roll. ahe. As long as whatever you throw into the tube can fit easily thru a five inch wide space without any shoving or shaking or anything. Just hold onto the tube, and drop something thru it. And just to be clear -- obviously I'm talking vertical. Hold the tube vertically. Then drop your bouncy ball or lego man head or rock or whatever fits in there, thru the top of the tube, so it goes down from the top and out the bottom. Again to be more clearer, the five inch diameter holds no relevance either. The tube could be 3in around or 5in around or 10in around just as long as it can be grasped in one hand because you or whoever is dropping the donut-hole or walnut thru the tube has to have another hand free to drop said item into the tube. The item also doesnt mean any thing i just thought a little action would make my tube idea pop a little. You know pizzazzz it up but now i realize all i needed was a tube of any fixed size standing vertical. Well, floating. the tube has to be floating so that both ends remain open. so, in an empty space there is a tube floating vertically. This levitation very much also holds no meaning it's just a lot easier to just use the tube surrounded by nothing with no one holding it. No one is around so there's no confusion because who needs more confusion in their life in times like these. There's a tube, standing vertical in a void. you could put something in it but you don't have to. you aren't around the tube. the tube is there. all by itself being all vertical and you are just lookin at it. There is a tube, and while you don't have a body because you having a body looking at the tube would further confuse what i'm desperately trying to invent in order to express that which is difficult to express i would think without visual aid, while you may not have a body, if you were to put skin and muscles around the tube, that thing would kinda look like a human body. and the tube part would become like the tube part of the body which is the digestive system. That's why the tube I'm backpaddling inside of, in my example of why I haven't been talking to you, the top end of that tube, as it should be for all other tubes because all tubes if you attached organs and skin to them are almost exactly like where the food need go in a human body, the tube within bodskin is like the bod's digestive system so i call the entrance opening of all tubes a mouth, and the bottom opening the butt. and as I mentioned way way way up there, there is something within my imaginary tube, and that something is my desire to speak to you. This desire started in the mouth of the tube, a tube which is.. what did I say? Two feet long? well, now that youwa're imagining the tube as a human with a digestive system, i must admit, a two foot digestive system is much shorter than a normal digestive system. Yes. Much shorter. Two feet is very much an abnormal length for a digestive system. But as this explanation has shown itself to be much stranger and longer than i anticipated, im keeping the tube two feet in length, even tho a person with a two foot digestive system is really just a throat. And while this entire thing is about me wishing to speak to you and relating to myself as just a head with a throat would be a very nice tie-in, i need to make it all the way down to the butt. And a two foot drop from mouth to butt is a short trip and i think that i and you deserve one of those at this point. whew. That was like the shortcuts my dad would take driving me home as a kid, they were not. I have to come clean, the length of the tube also holds no meaning. but two foot it be. Two foot tube. Yes, there is a tube hanging vertical in an infinitely open space that is two feet in length. Now, convert those feet into years. I don't know exactly what the conversion rate of feet to years is. Right now i'm inside the tube right up above the butt of the tube, and i entered the tube of not talking to you by way of the tube's mouth years ago so...two feet equals...what has it been since we've talked...ten years? No. Longer. Hold on. My tube is getting all hamstered. huuuhfff. any mathematical yous might get frustrated by this but i'm going to skip over the conversion for now. Oh, wait! The length of the tube is irrelevant. i keep backtracking by forgetting the rules of the tube. Very much like the way i'm backpaddling away from the butt end of a possibly two foot tube i entered over a decade ago. the tube is supposed to be the size of the human digestive system, so while the length is irrelevant it has to be kinda small. Don't wanna climb into a giant throat. The tube isn't any fixed length but it is kinda like the size of your or your mom or dad's throat. that being said: i am not a person that shrunk down to armyman size to be in this throat tube. It's a metaphor. No. Hold on, gotta go look up the definition of metaphor. Ok im back. Yes, it's a metaphor. The tube isnt a real tube i entered due to being honey i shrunk the kidsed. The tube is a metaphor for desire. Desire that is within me. So, the tube is desire. And that little metaphorical me, not Indian in the cupboard shrunkin me, is filled with the same desire my tube represents. So, henceforth, the metaphor stands that the tube is my desire and my desire is within me within my tube. But who am i? If the little me has my desire within, hhhhuuuuuuwhhhh who am i? who be that little me? i think it to be much easier if the tiny me inside the tube of desire wasn't a little me, but a representation of my desire's ebbing and flowing, its growing and shrinking thru time. now, im that's in the tube is not shrinking and growing. i would get stuck in the tube, and obviously i've been passing quite easily thru the tube of desire. The years keep rolling on. Rowing on one might say. So the rowing is actually the ebbing and flowing and growing and shrinking. I just realized this whole time I've been imagining water flowing thru the tube and myself sitting in a tiny wooden fishing vessel. i never disclosed this info, did i? I know that i just threw another curve into the supposedly straight tube of desire, but i think this actualuh lly helps. The me in the tube is an easily relatableble representation of the desire that the tube represents. So me in the tube of desire is also desire. I suppose this means the me in the tube is also a tube. If a tube is desire and I'm desire then I'm a tube. I am a tube. A cute little tube. Don't worry! You can still think of this smaller tube of desire as a human because of what we discussed earlier. If ya put muscles and skin on a tube, it looks almost exactly like a human. So imagine the tube of desire is just a tube, or a tunnel. A tunnel of desire. That is way better imagery, but i've gotten so used to a tube being desire i'm sticking with tube. Imagine the tube of desire looking just like a tube and the desire within the tube as a tube that looks like me on a boat with paddles coursing down a water way, aka the unstoppable stream of time. The boat and the paddles aint actual boat with paddles. This is another metaphor. Which is my desire to control where my desire ends up over a certain amount of time. So, it being the desire of my desire of my desire, the boat must also be a tewwb. If this makes it easier, just pretend the boat is in fact a tube but a tube that was a wooden tube that was chopped down like a tree and built into a boat. The hope to control where my desire ends up, is hopeless. I knew this right after entering the tube. It had to end up that i eventually spoke to you again, the desire to do so was too strong. too good of a tube. a tube well built. a tube's tube. and my desire to not fulfill that desire within a tube of desire is much too weak to last more than however long it's been since we last talked to each other. Now, one might ask: if all the tubes thus far in this metaphor have been desire tubes, are all tubes everywhere in the world of this metaphor tubes of desire? or are there different tubes representing all possible emotions? a tube of frustration, a tube of disappointment, the horny tube. i know youre assuming, me bringing up horny tube is a gag of some sort, a tube of jest uncalled for, everybody knows what a horny tube is why would i mention that tube of all the other emotions as tubes i couldve possibly mentioned? but remember, this is only a metaphor and there is no guarantee that if you made an effort and put muscles and skin on the horny tube? There's like only a seventy percent it would look anything at all like a penis. as to not continually muddle this thang unduly, uh hereby declair all tubes to be desire. And desire, radiates from the heart. So I'm a tube in a tube on a tube in my actual heart. And when my hearts tubed desire started at the mouth of the metaphorical tube of desire ,not necessarily two feet long in length, it wasn't that strong because it was years ago and years ago which is a pretty long time ago because I'm positive the conversion rate of feet to years is very much like converting human years into dog years. It has to be cuz we haven't uhspoke since a long way back up the tube. I just realized paddling thru a tube doesn't really work when the tube is vertical. slant the tube a little, rotate it counterclockwise just enough to give it an incline. I want my desire to roll like rapids, not dump like a waterfall. Onward. Now, imagine it is years ago and i had just spoken to you. because said speaking was accomplished just before this metaphor began, I didn't really have any desire to speak to you that much, which is understandable because desire is a tube and i wasn't in the tube yet. i didnt know i was about to enter and be surrounded by an entire tube of desire. As my want for words with you manifested as a metaphorical tube on a tube within a tube in my heart, the result was the real me and my heart sliding down into the depths of that tube and away from the mouth of that tube uhhh deeuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh like jello. Jello which is the real me engulfed by my desire traveling via desire on desire thru the engulfing desire inside my heart inside of me -- because this metaphor is coming from me which means it is my real desire radiating within and out from me. But it's hard to visualize desire radiation. And while it may be invisible, the radiation of desire is all too real. So as makes since, that real desire requires a relatable visual representation in addition to the imagery of the tube on a tube in a tube of desire over time. in order to connect these two expressions, the metaphorical and the real, i've decided to take the real me and my radiating desire and turn them into something that could, if so desired, easily fit into a tube. And that something is jello. Thus is born the jello me. And all the jello me wants? is to be in the mouth. that's where all the taste is. And taste is you and i speaking. jello may at first glance seem like a soulless inanimate gooshnotquitesolidliquidstuff, but when me be jello, I'm jello with a brain. Now, jellos predisposition toward jiggling and the continual jiggling required to travel from one end of a decades long tube to the other would most definitely cause permanent damage to the brain of jello me. so getting down the tube means a lot of sliding. Can jello slide without jiggling? I don't think it can. There can't be any jiggling for the sake of my physical wellbeing. Maybe it could stretch. but if you think about if you think about it, if you try to stretch jello it doesn't. Just breaks. and the point the point of all this is that i am real and jello. the real me. as jello. i can't be jiggled i can't be broken because that would eventually kill me. I'd be dead right now. I've been jello in a tube of undisclosed and possibly great length for over a decade, and there's no way i'm surviving if imma stretchin and a slidin. So the only way for jello me to get thru a tube and technically remain jello would be for the jello to melt back into its liquid form. but that means i'm becoming thinner and thinner as i traverse the tube. The real me has to remain separate from the metaphorical me, and i could totally see jello me becoming so thin it coats the interior of the tube like a stain. like a green stain. A green stain you could coat your deck with. update i imagine the jello me as green jello. lime jello. my favorite flayvor of jello and at the point lime jello me is so thin i'm just a stain, there really is no way to tell the real me from the real me's radiating desire from the metaphorical me and metaphorical me's desire. So, once again i'm a tube, with the inside of the tube now stained green. But, in the real reality I'm a jello of desire that needs to be set apart from the tube of desire. but if it must be such that real me need thin to the point of being nothing more than a green stain so that i may pass thru the tube without jiggling myself into oblivion, melting the jelloed me in a tube means the tube would have to be hot. and that makes total sense. desire can be pretty hot. My best desire has always been my hottest desire. So now we have a separation between the tube and the jello. Hot desire. The tube is hot, the jello is not, not a first. The jelloed jello me enters the tube and i start to become hot and melt and travel faster and faster down the tube of desire wishing i was jello again. and then i reach the butt. I'm completely liquified by the time i reach the butt. Which is what need happen in order for me to reach the butt where i am now in in present time in real me time with the tubes and the jello and the raaaaaayyydeeeeeeateing, liquid jello me need haaaaaappen but also not what need. i'm in a tube that is almost totally vertical, and there's really no good way ferfer my liquid jello me to keep itself from hitting that butt without shoving something into the butt and this thing is overly complicated already and has really got away from me. I cant shove anything into the butt. I would like to, to stop my liquid from spewing forth from the butt before it is appropriate for it to do so. it has to. my liquid must spew. because here i am and theres my dog. and in the metaphor i'm inside the tube at the butt end because i'm trying to plug it to keep me in there. but right now i have to be outside the tube the tube is desire so since me talking to you with no talkie to you was the desire whence the tube was formed and I am speaking at cha sweetie now that means i can't be inside the tube anymore because the desire is gone because the desire existed as a tube when i wasn't talking to you sweetie. but Currently, in the metaphor whatever of me is in the tube has yet to excrete from the tube. And it shouldn't yet. Because this metaphor climaxes with a battle scene between myself and my desire. Layers of psychological battering and introspection. Colors and lights and explosions. Am i fighting that which plugs the buttway? Probably. Probably. Probably. probably. probably probably probahbly. Praahhhbably. probabbubly. prPRObably.PRObably. Prooobably. probubly. prbly. I just don't have the energy to figure out what i'm going to shove in the butt and how far it's going into the butt or how hot the thing that is to be shoved is. n there's the icemaker. I could use a drink. hfffffm. I think the best thing to do is to start over and keep it simple. I'm starting over. That's really my only option.
Dear Everybody,
I'm a tube and you're the butt end of the tube. No. My FEELINGS are a tube, and you're the butt end of my feelings. No. My feelings are INSIDE a tube and that tube ends with butt. Hmm. Some tubes have an opening at both ends but my feelings my feelings are in a tube and you are where my feelings have to get to to be fulfilled. Oh my god.
Dear Everybody,
I like you but you can be a real butt sometimes. I appreciate you, but you really are a butt. Very often you'd rather be a butt than not a butt. I need to talk to you. I need to talk to someones. I need to tell someones what is happening in my head. I am not a tube. I need to share my ideas. I need to eject my mind from my skull. I need to put it out there. I want to spill my ideas. I've just kept them bottled up, letting them out in little bursts of song, because I write songs and do tubes write songs? Sure you can bang on a tube to write beats but an actual song? A tube? Writing a song? I am not a tube. Writing songs can take too long so that's why I'm just...writing. uhcourse getting thru all this tube stuff has taken so long I coulda written a whole lotta song. And a tube can't write a little song much less a lot uh song. I'm not a tube I'm not a tube, no no I'm not a tube. Holy rigatoni, this is goinggoingoin to go on forever isn't it, me? Nip it! Nip it in the bud! Get to it, me. Stop stalling, me. Get em idears out there, me!
Gotta go. There is more to say. I didn't say what i wanted to say, and beca....i was on a rollhh. I didn't say what i wanted to say and because me not saying what i wanted to say was not said for so long, there's probably a whole lot more to say. And because i want to say what i want to say and have yet to say it...i'll be saying it. At some point in the futuretimes. Maybe, maybe in like two weeks. I didn't succeed today to say what needs saying but I will, and it will. What I'm trying to say is imma keep saying until what i want to say is said. There will be a lot of whatever this whole thing was along the way to saying what I want to say. I am sad to say there will be more tewbz. I'm absolutely sure of it. And the new tubes probably won't look like tubes, they will be disguised as something else. Like a baseball glove. Tubes and gloves were and will be an attempt to say what i want to say in a way that probabubbly shouldn't have been or should ever be said. I'm not going to apologize for trying but I'm sorry.
Love,
Nathan
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