Neallovesyou

[neallovesyou]

“YOU ARE NOT A LOSER”

Lately, I’ve had to tell myself that more than usual and by “more than usual,” I mean an exorbitant amount of times daily over the span of a few weeks. 

Sometimes the phone doesn’t ring. Sometimes the texts don’t come. Sometimes a whole weekend passes without a single invite. Sometimes a close friend comes into town for someone else and doesn’t try to meet up with you. Sometimes you reach out to random friends who all seem to be busy. Sometimes your close friends don’t reach out to you for whatever reason. Sometimes your friends say they are gonna hang out and then change plans when something better comes along. Sometimes you play phone tag for weeks. Sometimes your social anxiety gets the best of you. Sometimes you watch 3 movies in a week at the theater by yourself. Sometimes you eat every meal for over a week by yourself. Sometimes the ex you are still friends with starts dating someone else and doesn’t have the time for you. Sometimes it feels like the whole world has forgotten about you and sometimes all those coincidences above happen at once. And because of that all those sometimes start feel like all the time. 

I know I have friends. I know I have people that love me. And I know I could have reached out to more people. I know my comedy schedule has taken up my nights. I know I have a great life. I know people get busy. I get busy. I know I could easily get back on the dating apps or send enough “wyd” texts at 1am that someone will eventually respond. I know all these things. I am not angry. I am not blaming. 

Even with all that, it’s crazy how quickly I am transported back to feeling like the 15 year old version of myself, who felt like a perpetual loser, after a few weeks of those “sometimes” above. It’s like the years I have spent building all that I have get erased in a moment, and I am back to that teenage kid sitting alone in his room wondering when there would be any contact from the outside world which never came. So much so, that my mom would pretend she wanted to see new movies she had never heard of and ask me to take her just so I wouldn’t spend another Saturday alone feeling sorry for myself because I had no one to go to the movies with. (I am sure that previous sentence is a run on or needs commas for all those clauses. Don’t care.) 

I am saying these things not to get sympathy. I do not want people reaching out feeling guilty or offering to hang with me. I am saying these things because it’s how I feel. I am saying these things because I know so many out there feel the same way. This message is for them, the self proclaimed “losers” like me. I have 45k followers on Instagram. I have been on Netflix. I perform comedy to hundreds of people a week. I’m not bragging. I am saying, that despite of all these things, I still feel like a loser sometimes... a lot of times. I still sit at home with no one to hang out with on a lot of weekends. And that’s ok. No one is immune. Not even a dude like me with all those things. So, if you are feeling like a loser out there... it’s ok. You are in a very elite club. It’s filled with a ton of good people. Just remember, you aren’t alone. Sometimes (lots of times), I feel like a loser too. It’s ok. I am rambling now, but you get my point. 

Most of all just remember....

YOU ARE NOT A LOSER. No matter what your insecurities tell you, always remember YOU ARE NOT A LOSER. I believe that about 50% of the time which is a vast improvement. I am working on improving it more. 

[neallovesyou]

Throwback: Because I was traveling solo and hiking solo I spent my time making silly videos to make me laugh. However, nothing is as funny as me thinking I was alone, then being interrupted and immediately embarrassed. If I was Caucasian, I would have turned red. I checked the path too beforehand. They must have been moving fast. #Solotraveling #solo #bloopers #whoops #embarassing #whatiswrongwithme #livingmybestlife #traveling #travels #unitedstates #redwoodsnationalpark #redwoods #awkward #lotr #funny #humor #justgowithit #awkwardlaugh #weirdlaugh #why #hiking #solohiking #prouddork #dork #funnyvideo #tbt #throwbackthursday #throwback

[neallovesyou]

Elderly couple in front of me in a big city...

I went to a movie today, a hip indie film for a screening that was poorly attended. I sat in the back of a nearly empty theater. Shortly before the previews, an elderly couple in their 80’s walked in. I am guessing about the 80’s part. They were old enough to where the simple act of going to the movies was something that seemed to take full effort and coordination for them.  The wife walked in with a smooth purpose compared to her husband who pushed and slid his walker slowly down the sticky theater aisle behind her. She pointed the row out after she had already made sure was free and clear of obstacles. It felt like a rehearsed gymnastics routine; he handed his walker to his wife before bracing himself with the tops of the seats as he lowered himself into the chair with bent elbows. She folded the walker and placed it in the row behind them. This part felt effortless especially after seeing the old man struggle so much just to get into his seat. As she rounded the aisle corner behind him,  I saw it… a gesture so small, most people wouldn’t notice. She placed her fingers in the hair on the back of his head and gently rubbed before taking her seat with a short step. About an hour into the movie, I saw the husband lean over and kiss his wife on the temple. It was the only graceful movement I saw from him that night. It wasn’t during a romantic part or the climax. Nothing significant was happening on screen to inspire this. He chose an indiscriminate, non important moment in the movie to lean over and kiss his wife’s forehead. It was almost as if he was just thanking her for being there. 

And at that moment, I realized that is the kind of love I want. The kind of love that let’s you know it’s there, not just during the big moments in your life, but also during the infinite moments in between that no one seems to notice. The rub of a head and a kiss on a temple in darkness on an idle Sunday night. Not the kind of love you see in the movies, but the kind of love that drives you to the movies with your significant other even though both of you are well into the dusk of your lives. The kind of love that gives you hope that growing old won’t be as depressing or lonesome as anticipated. A love that no one notices except for the random guy who just happened to be sitting behind you in a theater.