Neuroticism: a Journal

Tales from my slow descent into madness. About me.

[nebulousneuroticism]

Somehow, I awoke naturally before my alarm rang for my game night, and so it was not too difficult to get myself up. I made it just on time. A couple people couldn't make it, but we played anyway, and it was a nice time. Sometimes I like a smaller group.

Afterward, I was hungry, so I pigged out on a small pizza. It really hit the spot. Then, the sleepiness encroached upon me once more, and I went to bed to finish my night's rest.

I awoke again around five am, and set about my day. I didn't do anything special. Went to the store for some ingredients for soup, which I will cook tomorrow.

It's almost four pm now, and I'm sleepy again. I feel pretty satisfied right now, for some reason... I am happy to go to sleep. Sometimes, sleep feels like an annoyance, just one of many of my body's boring and time-consuming needs; but right now, I am looking forward to cozying up for a while.

[nebulousneuroticism]

It was pretty quiet again today. I got up around ten pm, and I mostly stayed in except for a late-night fast food run. I know it was bad for me, but I was hungry and it was two am and it really hit the spot.

It's almost noon now, but I am going to try to sleep rather than pushing to stay up later. I have my game night tonight, so I'll only get about five hours of sleep before my alarm rings for that... It's going to be dreadful, but I want to play, so I will have to get through it. Who knows, maybe I'll be too sleepy when I wake up and decide to "call in sick," as it were; but I'd rather not let the group down.

Such is life, I guess. Emotionally, I feel mostly stable tonight. Not too worried about things at the moment.

[nebulousneuroticism]

It was another quiet day. The night passed pretty quickly, somehow. I cooked a couple simple meals (eggs, grilled cheese) and lamented my perpetual lack of chocolate.

After dawn, I did my laundry. Always an annoying chore, but I got it done. I also mopped up a few lesser chores, like a little cleaning and filing some mail away. In hindsight, I really didn't accomplish very much at all, but somehow it was enough to track my brain into feeling satisfaction at accomplishing tasks.

I pushed myself to stay up as late as I could, so it's now a respectable two pm. I'm quite sleepy, though.

[nebulousneuroticism]

My sleep last night was disrupted because people were being noisy outside. I can't really complain, though, since it was sunday afternoon, a perfectly acceptable time to be noisy outside. I'm not sure exactly when I got up, but I think it was pretty late.

I had a quiet night of solitude. It was stormy outside, and that was good. I got to sit in the dark with the curtains open and watch some lightning.

Anyway. I guess I don't have much to write about tonight. I'm feeling a little unsettled because of some chores I've been putting off. But it's not too bad, and mostly I feel satisfied with my quiet and boring nocturnal day.

[nebulousneuroticism]

I had a bad dream last night. In the dream, I was taking a shower when I noticed that there was mold and wasps everywhere. I decided to try to clean up the worst of it, but the wasps started swarming me, and rather than run or fight back, I just gave up, sank to the floor, and accepted my fate. Not the nicest way to wake up.

My day was okay. I had just enough time to run to the store before it closed. I get very tired of going to the store all the time: it seems like I'm always out of some critical ingredient. But I guess it gets me out of the house.

I wanted quiet and isolation today, and that was what I received. I played a game and watched some television and cooked an nice dinner. It was pleasant.

I stayed up very late and I'm feeling quite tired. It's past noon, actually. I'm still doomed to be nocturnal for a week or so more, though.

[nebulousneuroticism]

I woke slowly this evening. It took a very long time to find the energy to haul myself out of bed.

I had a slow few hours, waking up, having breakfast, doing my crossword. Once I felt ready, I responded to my friend, who had asked if I was free for a game night. We ended up playing for quite a while on a couple of co-op games and Stardew Valley. It was pretty fun, even though I was a little low energy.

That used up all my energy for the day. After we hung up, I spent the morning hours having a simple dinner and recharging as best I could. Soon enough, I started feeling sleepy once more.

I guess I can be glad that I successfully socialized today, even if nothing else of value was accomplished. Gotta take what victories I can get, what with how messed up I've been recently.

[nebulousneuroticism]

Yesterday was kind of bad. I was in a weird mood from the moment I woke up. I talked to my mom on the phone, but I was completely incapable of carrying a conversation, so that didn't last long at all. She even asked me if something was wrong. I felt pretty bad about being so easily read.

I wanted to game with a friend, but when I messaged them they were already grouped with some people, and I dwelt on that interaction for longer than is healthy or normal. So I played a round of Deadlock solo, and after the new Limbus Company chapter released I started on that, but I had ultra-high anxiety that wouldn't go away.

I decided to lie down for a bit. I remember lying in bed, feeling my heart beat, unable to relax. Except I guess I did, eventually, because I ended up falling asleep for about fourteen hours. That's why I didn't write a post yesterday--my day just short-circuited halfway through.

Anyway, that was weird. I got up around six pm today, feeling no more normal, but at least less anxious, and tried to have a somewhat more normal day.

I suppose I succeeded in that. After a quick jaunt to the store and to get a sandwich, I spent my night on my usual pastimes. I did not feel overly anxious or fall asleep unexpectedly. I finished the new Limbus Company story, which was fun. I did isolate myself, but at the end of the day I found the strength to respond to some messages.

Honestly, I feel kind of messed up. I feel like I'm losing it. I need to get myself together. It's just... I don't know what that means. Or I don't like what it means. My life has no meaning, but the life implied by "getting myself together" also has no meaning. Surely there is something more.

[nebulousneuroticism]

I slept fitfully last night. There was a dream with a jet ski, and an attractive, french-speaking man... what does it all mean?

I got up just in time for pathfinder, but I was not on my best social game. I felt groggy and slightly sick to my stomach (probably just another manifestation of my sleepiness), and I don't think I came off very well socially. At least I was there and I got to roll some dice.

Afterward, I stopped at the gas station, and I could see jupiter and venus in the sky. I heard on the radio they were in conjunction recently, and it was cool to be able to identify them; normally I can never tell what's what in the sky.

I felt kind of gross and hungry, so I spent the next few hours seeing to my body's various tiresome needs. Showering, eating, drinking water, resting. After that it got kind of late, and I can't say I accomplished much with my day. But there was a new trailer for the upcoming Fire Emblem game, so I'm in a good mood anyway.

So I guess I feel okay tonight. Pretty tired. Socializing always wears me out.

[nebulousneuroticism]

I had a lot of trouble getting out of bed today. All I wanted to do was stay cozy, lying down, safe and warm. But I did get up. I bribed myself with the prospect of a donut, since I knew I had to go to the store anyway to buy shaving razors.

The donut was good, and it felt good to be shaven, once I got around to that. But otherwise, I had a rather anxious day. I'm not sure why, but all day I was on edge, unusually sensitive and alert. I tried my best to distract myself, but I ended up feeling overstimulated and unhappy.

I'm going to bed a little early, not because I am tired, but because I would like to be asleep. I'll need to get up for pathfinder tonight, too, so this should help me feel less sleepy then (assuming I'm able to drift off, which is never certain). Hopefully I feel a little more normal so I can socialize.

[nebulousneuroticism]

I slept poorly last night. There was some kind of noise outside, I think. I remember waking up around noon, and then when I woke up again it was around five pm.

I had a pretty quiet day in. I didn't go outside or speak to anyone. I made some soup after I got up, and it was kind of a lot of soup, so it was both my breakfast and my dinner. It tasted fine, but didn't have much in the way of nutrients.

Feeling kind of dull tonight. I should have done something useful today. I should have used my time wisely. But I didn't.

[nebulousneuroticism]

Today was okay. I slept pretty late, but I was awake just in time to visit the store, get some boba tea, and then return home for my game night.

It was a fun time, as usual. I'm glad I can still spend time with them every now and then. After our other friends hung up around ten-thirty, my best friend and I played a game of Deadlock, and that was fun too (even though I lost horribly, having never played before except with bots).

After that, it was around midnight. I saw to my various needs, such as showering and eating. I didn't eat very well today, looking back. The socializing put me in a self-indulgent mood, I guess. The rest of the night was mostly uneventful.

I'm feeling kind of tense tonight, for some reason. I have nothing specific to worry about, no events in the next few days, and yet I feel like I can't relax. I hope I can fall asleep.

[nebulousneuroticism]

Today was a long night. It feels like a lot of time passed, even though I didn't do much. I suppose I did a lot of cooking; eggs for breakfast, and then shrimp pasta with roasted veggies for dinner. That was a lot of effort, and it took me a long time. But other than that, I can't say I did much of anything notable. I didn't leave the apartment or speak to anyone.

I am supposed to game with my friends tonight, about twelve hours from now, and I'd like to visit the store beforehand if I have time. Maybe I should set an alarm.

I suppose I'm feeling okay. Not too negative, at least. I think I have some worries that I am successfully avoiding thinking about. I've been very passive lately, and that helps me avoid anxiety; but there is a part of me that wants to take action and do things and be a part of the world. I wish I could stop being scared.

[nebulousneuroticism]

Today was pretty quiet. I stayed inside. Except for a phone call with my parents (I held a fairly successful conversation, for once), I did not talk to anyone.

I spent a fair amount of time reading. I am not reading a book, unless your definition of "book" is rather broad. It is what people call a "fic," although I find that term unnecessarily diminutive, because it is longer and better-written than some books I've read. However, it is also pulpy and torrid enough that I would be deeply embarrassed if anyone were to discover me reading it. But I enjoy it. I'm allowed to enjoy things and then write about them in my journal. I'm allowed. I don't need to feel embarrassed.

Anyway. I will sleep now. It's morning, and my neighbors are waking up, so there's some noise, but I trust it will pass soon.

[nebulousneuroticism]

I got up in time for my game night tonight. I headed over a little early and had a burger, and some of the group joined me for a bit, and that was a fairly nice time. I'm bad at conversation, and I feel bad that they have to try so hard with me, but I appreciate that they care enough to do so.

The game was fun tonight. It was a fairly quiet night at the game store, and I was glad it wasn't too noisy. We had a small group tonight, too. Even so, I felt a little overstimuated by the time we finished up.

It took me a while to feel normal after I got home. I showered and read a little, and I played a game. It was enjoyable enough.

I'm pretty tired now. It's morning outside, but for my brain it is evening. I'm feeling mostly okay. My need for socializing has been fully met over the past few days, so I'm ready for some solitude again.

[nebulousneuroticism]

I slept too much today, and ended up with a slight headache. Even so, I was able to go to the store in the evening. I got some healthy foods, if I can find the wherewithal to cook them.

Otherwise, my night was pretty quiet. It seemed to pass quickly, but that might be because I spent some time lying down to get rid of my headache. Oh, I texted with my best friend a little bit... that was nice. I hope we can game together soon. I miss him.

I'm feeling fine right now. Wishing I wasn't so nocturnal already; it's past seven am now. I'll have to set an alarm for Pathfinder tonight, otherwise I'll sleep halfway through it. Such a pain.

[nebulousneuroticism]

I was kind of depressed today. I couldn't find the willpower to get out of bed for a while after I woke up. Once I did, I got myself a sandwich, which was my outing for the day.

I'm not sure why I felt so dejected today. No real reason for it. It was no better or worse than other days, in terms of things that happened. But for some reason, as the night wore on, the futility and sadness hit me pretty hard.

I got through the worst of it, so I feel okay enough to sleep now. I hope tomorrow will be better.

[nebulousneuroticism]

I felt kind of bad today. I remember waking up early in the morning from a nightmare where I screamed endlessly because bugs were crawling everywhere; I had to force myself to stay awake for a while or else I would have fallen back into the same dream. So my sleep was disrupted.

A few negative things happened throughout the day. First, I got an unexpected charge from my old phone company, and I had to spend some time sorting that out. Second, I tried to cook a fancy bread snack, but it turned out so poorly that I had to throw it all away. Third, I noticed that cute girl had finally unfriended me on facebook, which made me feel sad even though it's been a long time now. Fourth, I felt kind of physically ill, and I almost threw up at one point--I don't think I'm sick, just something I ate maybe?

So it wasn't a good day. I stayed up late, and now I have a slight headache. Ugh. I just need to sleep and reset.