confessions of a born again loser

nervwrack.com

[nervwrack]

Tacoma Narrows Bridge (1940), A Visit to the Optometrist

[one? or two? now one, now two which is clearer?

okay now three or four three or four]

i gave all the wrong answers. things felt better then.

maybe i don't want to see you for who you really are. but what if this is better? huh? what then?!

clarity is just a song i play. brevity is just a habit i can't kick.

O' all consuming numbness! Speak through me! Shake my body til the resonance of my failure spells it all out for you! L-A-I-K-A-W-A-S-A-L-W-A-Y-S-D-O-O-M-E-D O' telephone pole God of mine, Give me release!

I'm travelling through the wires in the (minds) of all the people you know. And they talk to me And they tell me things I was never supposed to know.

I can lie on my back and affect the lives of those I love without moving a finger. But I would only affect them in good ways. I don't waste time on evil. I'm a good person. Is this thing on?

Plato give me back my shadows!

[zz1nk]

what a lark!!!

oc belongs to @nervwrack <3

[geryone]

Wound is the Origin of Wonder, Maya C. Popa

[apoemaday]

I’M GOING BACK TO MINNESOTA WHERE SADNESS MAKES SENSE

by Danez Smith

O California, don’t you know the sun is only a god if you learn to starve for him? I’m bored with the ocean I stood at the lip of it, dressed in down, praying for snow I know, I’m strange, too much light makes me nervous at least in this land where the trees always bear green. I know something that doesn’t die can’t be beautiful. Have you ever stood on a frozen lake, California? The sun above you, the snow & stalled sea — a field of mirror all demanding to be the sun too, everything around you is light & it’s gorgeous & if you stay too long it will kill you & it’s so sad, you know? You’re the only warm thing for miles & the only thing that can’t shine.

[zz1nk]

me when im gay or whateveer

@nervwrack

[nervwrack]

Sometimes there are just less things to write angsty poetry about, sometimes there are great things.

[nervwrack]

Raziel Plata, Laika Brooke, Margo Collier discovers she's [in fact] NOT infallible~! (WEB-DL.DD5.1) spanish_dub.mkv

a friend of mine recently told me that they look up to me because i have "christian guilt levels of forgiveness" i didn't quite know how to parse that message. i remember reading it, putting the gas nozzle back, and getting in my car. i drove out of the parking lot and just began to sob. i didn't even know why i was crying. i heard myself crying and didn't recognize it as a sound i was emitting. it felt as if my body was crying but my mind couldn't connect with it.

i don't want to have religious-motif levels of grief that i've coped with. i didn't want any of it to happen in the first place. often i try to be an "everything happens for a reason" kind of person but even i sometimes doubt how much self-inflicted pain i can just continue to stomach. i have no resolution. i wish i didn't cry then.

[nervwrack]

daylight turns to moonlight turns to potassium nitrate

logarithmic metronome increasing until i see you until i speak to you

my legs are still full of bug bites the trees are still swaying gentle summer breeze and a reminder that more than misery loves company

i confide in reckless confidence and ask the question how long have i been here? how long have i been here? the swings creak

inclined clearing and a heart for brains

highway signs lit by july leftovers the first time a red light has meant "go!"

[nervwrack]

chirp

how many strands of hair have made their way up north how many have i lost to trees, bushes, and dirt? how many nests have been made with the strands i’ve forgotten a commodity for me invaluable to others

[nervwrack]

/MIS

fruitless attempts at sanctity pull at the base of my feet. the insides of my mouth become dry, painful. everything is a hot flash and just

like that it’s over. the session ends.

who is it i’m running to? she’s turning the corner— black sweater; a cigarette

i put rubber sole to pavement but i’m always too slow

her eyes stay with me— underlashes; darkened sockets

i missed her i’ve missed her i’ll miss—whatever

i’ll get you next time

[kociamieta]

do you think angels would perch upon electrical lines and radio towers like birds

sure. looks like a nice spot to share the interesting things they saw lately

[nervwrack]

lifetimes lifetimes lifetimes

approaching the crest of a hill

i topple monoliths

pillars of ego

standing at a back and forth

i cried out

pulling into the emergency room of the hospital i was born in

i struggle finding

the words to describe the feeling

i can feel when grief is on the horizon

my ribcage becomes brittle

and i know its only a matter of time before it shatters

[nervwrack]

if memory is just some fucked up game of telephone, im sick and tired of all these prank calls

maybe the solution to all of my problems is hidden in prose. maybe its not hidden away in secret messages. maybe i’m not trying to hide it in plain sight. maybe i’m over it. i am over it. i am definitely over it.

maybe assigning my self worth to the actions of others like some kind of roundabout RNG system isn’t the fucking key to everything. maybe i need to stop starting these fucking sentences with maybe.

i’m sorry. i don’t want to go at this alone anymore. i don’t want to sleuth around in search for answers. i don’t want to carry on my namesake. i don’t want to be a fucking martyr for my own shoddy morals.

i want to be satisfied. i want to become a perpetual motion machine. i want to be inhuman. i want to be human. i want to be pretty. i want to be wounded and healed. i want to be experienced. i want to be adorned. i want to be one with any room you’re in. i want to be an effervescent tablet, giving you butterflies. i want to be uninhibited by the faulty neurons that won’t give me the words i want when i need them. i want to be loved. i want to be verbose. i want to be a loose cannon. i want to be rigid and stiff. i want to voice every single thought ive ever had. i want to be wonderful. i want to be warm.

i want to be warm. i want to be warm. i want to be warm. i want to be warm.

and just like that, i lost the plot again. and just like that.

[im sure every bad feeling is going to pass. survival isn’t a choice it’s an inevitability. i am meant for something good, i hope. i love you. i want you to be warm]

[nervwrack]

fruitless attempts at sanctity pull at the base of my feet

the insides of my mouth become dry, painful

i feel everything in a hot flash

and just like that it’s over.

who is it that i’m running to

there’s a girl in a black sweater

i see her running around the corner

i put rubber sole to ground hoping that this time may be the one i finally catch her glimpse

but i’m always too slow

the makeup around her eyes is the only thing that stays with me

those underlashes

those darkened sockets

i missed her

i’ve missed her

i’ll miss - whatever

i’ll

get

you

next

time

[nervwrack]

i love you how i love my pocket knife

i love you like how i love my pocket knife

a ton of functions, attached to my belt loop

there when i need you, unobtrusive when i don't

i love you the way a dad loves his toolbox

he can't live without it

his desire to build, create, tear apart

i'll find myself

gasping for life

trapped in a self-imposed mess of netting

grateful, oh so grateful

that i had you with me

i love you when i need you

and i tuck you away when i don't

soon enough your blade will dull

and on to the next one i will go

[nervwrack]

finally what i’d call “the dog poem” (as if that wasn’t an inherency of everything)

i’m a dog sitting at your bedside, waiting to be let up. i whine to myself. i want you to touch me. pet me please. let me feel a hand that hasn’t struck me yet. i love you.

i’m a dog that’s been out sitting in the rain. my obedience hurts me. owner forgot to let me in. owner is passed out in his drink. owner loves me. i’ll be let in soon, i know it. i’ll stand straight up in this rain so they can see how good i am. it hurts for you. i’d hurt for you.

i’m a dog who doesn’t know any better. i bite. loving you got me hurt too many times. i’m afraid of you. i can’t love you. i bite strangers. i miss you.

come home soon. i need you. tell me i’m good. please.

[nervwrack]

whispers of strawberry perfume

i weave myself into the fibers of your life a thread connecting the most important parts of yourself together that you don’t even know about you’ll forget facts grow faded who showed you that song who gave you that food where did that mysterious devotion to that artist come from

it was me and one dreary day when i’ve become a whisper i’ll shout myself back into your psyche because you smelled that strawberry perfume again

[nervwrack]

broken pen

i have a broken pen i have black blood i have an indeterminate amount of words, phrases, stanzas i can utter before i rot im panicked a fucking frenzy im trying to catch the letters as they run out of the crack in the plastic my paper is a mess self-induced rorschach test maybe thats enough words for me