every time I checked the register of displaced persons, I was still on it. I didn’t know how to belong. Longing? Yes. Belonging? No.❞ 33 YEARS. LONG LOST NATIVE. SUFFIX MILLS.
NESRİN (Neh-SRIY-N) : noun; turkish variant of the persian name nasrin, meaning “wild rose” ADEM (uh-DAEM): noun; arabic origins, meaning “made of / of the earth”
full name: nesrin adem
nickname/preferred name: close friends may call her nes/nessy, but she honestly has no preference
age: 33
birthday: tbd
zodiac sign: tbd
birthplace: antalya, turkey
hometown: antalya, turkey ( birth - age 4 ) ⇾ atlanta, georgia ( ages 4-6 ) ⇾ heartsdale, georgia ( ages 6-19 ) ⇾ montpelier, st. helena parish, louisiana ( age 19-present)
current residence: suffix mills
occupation: administrative assistant
relationship status: single
sexuality: heterosexual
children?: yes, a 13 year old daughter named selvi
TLDR // TW TEENAGE PREGNANCY, ABORTION CONSIDERATION, ESTRANGEMENT/ABANDONMENT: older sister. disowned daughter. single mother... until now. nesrin was born into a super strict, super traditional family. for most of her life she went to great lengths to be the kind of daughter they expected, but... then nes fell in love. @mattsullivan was everything to her, but when she eventually realized she was pregnant, barely out of hs, things went swiftly south. nes decided to terminate, driving the final nail into the coffin of their relationship, and left town. except the thing is... she couldn’t actually go through with it. the choice to keep their baby led to a total estrangement with her parents (her father essentially said do it or don’t come back) and she’s only very recently had any contact with them. now she’s back to attempt a reconciliation with her parents && finally tell matt the several years too late news. “congratulations, daddy. it’s a girl!”
nesrin is the eldest of three daughters.
although they remained married, her parents essentially lived separate lives. she, her mother, and her sisters moved to heartsdale when she was six and her father, who remained behind in atlanta, came to stay with them on the weekends.
it was a very strict, traditional/conservative household, though, and, despite the arrangements, her father remained an active head of it all.
through him and the values he reinforced, nes grew up with a deep understanding of duty, obedience, and honoring her family name. she came home well before curfew (most of the time), maintained her position on the dean’s list, and served as a role model for her younger sisters, @halimeadem and yasemin.
because of this, it perhaps came as a quite a shock that, when she was nineteen, nes discovered she was pregnant.
she’d been dating matt sullivan for several years at that point and, although she was absolutely in love and wanted a future with him someday, that day wasn’t meant to be so soon.
while matt wanted to keep their baby, nes did not. her plans to terminate ultimately brought their relationship to an immediate end.
nes left town for what was only meant to be a brief "visit to a friend” as far as her parents were concerned but, in reality, she’d left to seek out a discreet clinic several counties over. it was at that point, sitting on a bench outside the doors, that she realized she couldn’t give up her baby.
the call home did not go well. at all. her father accused nesrin of shaming herself, their family, etc. by not only having premarital sex but by falling pregnant while she was at it. in very harsh, no uncertain terms he left her with a choice: do what needed to be done to hide her “incident” and spare the family shame, or not come back at all.
for many, many years that was the last time nes ever spoke to her parents. she still kept in close touch with her sisters but, believing she’d lost everything back in heartsdale, she quietly moved to a small parish outside of baton rouge and found a way to survive there.
life wasn’t pretty or glamourous or kind to nesrin, but she made it work.
selvi, the daughter she shares with matt, is now 13 years old, looks astonishingly like the both of them, and is full of more questions than nes knows how to answer.
it was that, and the recent efforts of her father to reconcile with the daughter he disowned, that brought nesrin and selvi back to town. she needs to deal with her own traumas, needs to heal. but, more than that, she needs to finally tell matt he’s been a father all these years.
although it’s a far cry from her lifelong dreams, nes works as an administrative assistant at the local school. the job is stable, even if the pay leaves something to be desired, and gives her the ability to work the same schedule as her daughter’s, eliminating any lost time between them
Margot lied to everyone for the holidays. Besides the actual presents she gave for every early, her actual present to everyone was not being around. Her little make shift family of misfits with Matt and his family seemed to be cast astray. Margot didn’t take it to heart really. It was her best friends first Christmas with his daughter. She was happy for him. Besides, she grew up mostly with Jewish traditions despite her father pushing some Christmas in their. She packed a bag and used a bit of her spending money to take a little trip to Thailand. It was somewhere she’d only been once before as a little girl, but loved it dearly. She laid on the beach and spoke to the locals. Of course, Margot wouldn’t lie and say she found all of her answers from a little vacation or something deep and meaningful. But, it was the first thing she did for herself in a very long time.
She knocked on Nes’s door, which a present in her hand for the girl she barely knew but felt love for. Margot still had her opinions on all this, but she sunk her teeth into her lips and swallowed every last bit of it for the sake of Matt. “Hey, uh, I got a little something for Selvi, that I forgot to bring over before skipping town.”
—
If Nes had to make of list of the people she least expected to show up at her front door, it’d be a mile long and Margot's name would be somewhere close to the top. Maybe thirteen years ago it wouldn’t have been so inconceivable, but that was then. That was when she could still consider them friends. The second she stepped back into town it’d become abundantly clear that wasn’t the case anymore.
And if Margot felt that strongly over how she’d left Matt, finding out she’d kept a child from him in the process...
Nes hovered in the doorway, hands clasped in front of a churning stomach and one thumbnail sank into the edge of the other. Shocked into silence didn’t even begin to cover it.
“Uhm, hey. Hi! Why don’t you— I mean, do you wanna come in?” Still tripping and stumbling over herself, not to mention her words, she stepped aside to grant passage into the living room. It wouldn’t do her any good to get over eager about the visit (she was only there for Selvi) but a stubborn spark of hope bloomed in her chest, regardless.
“She’s just in her room painting. Let me just—“ turning to the dining room, and the bedrooms beyond, she called— “Selvi! Margot’s here to see you.”
But until she deigned to put down the brush and come out, they were left to their own devices. Nes faced front again, a somewhat nervous smile hinged on her lips. “How, uh, how was your trip? Where did you go?” Once upon a time she would’ve known without having to ask, but now? Now she didn’t have the faintest idea what Margot got up to. As much as that hurt to think about, she didn’t let it show. “Selvi, uhm, she missed seeing you while you were gone.”
“Yea, you’re right. Just never would have imagined the world could be this small you know? I mean I met Yasmin half way around the world. There was no reason to think,” he started, then let his words fade as he shook his head. He let his gaze lift to meet hers, despite the heavy feeling of discernment in the space between them. He wasn’t proud of the way he had navigated the dynamics of the situation but at the same time, he could not, not hold his head up as a man. Poor choices were made and now he was ready to face whatever consequence. He’d always held a high regard and respect for Nesrin and had no reason to believe the feeling wasn’t mutual. He hoped that much hadn’t changed and if it had, there was no shame in redeeming himself, or at least trying to redeem himself as far as he was concerned.
.”I didn’t mean that maliciously, but I think we have enough history for me to say you know my heart. If I’m wrong, I’m saying it now. Don’t take what I said any type of way. I just had my intent set on talking to her by now…I don’t know maybe I was a fool to think you and I might not cross paths before I had the chance. Safe to say this place is a lot smaller than I had imagined,” he admitted.
He gave her a surprised look, left speechless for a beat. Although they had parted on amicable terms, there were a lot of things left unsaid between them. He’d made his own assumptions and moved on in life and thought she’d done the same. He had to admit the idea of getting things sorted out between them was an unanticipated but a welcomed thought. “I–I’d like that. We never really had the conversation we both deserved. Maybe it’s time we did, at some point.”
That said, the weird and awkward feeling was only getting worse so when she ordered her coffee, he used the opportunity to check on his food order, asking for it to be wrapped to go.
At her response about her child’s father, a trace of a smile touched his lips. “I’m glad everything worked out for you, Nes I really am.” He wasn’t in any position to judge but he imagined she was facing a touch situation with demons to battle of her own. Out of respect, he never delved to deeply in to the dynamics of her situation with Matt but he did know for a period of time, the man did not know his own child existed. The dichotomy of Matt’s unawareness yet him being ever so present in their relationship in the past wasn’t lost on him in that moment.
“I’ve been better, but I don’t have much right to complain, to be honest…” When the waitress appeared with his order, he turned to pay his bill, including a tip the woman would not forget. He thanked her and turned his attention back to Nes. “Time for me to head out, I’ve got some things to do in town,” he said with a coy smile. “Can I walk out with you?”
—
Again, Nesrin flicked away his concerns with a loose wave of her hand. “I’m not taking it any sort of way, Alp. Promise.” Whatever comments she’d made about her own standing weren’t because she believed his confessions were maliciously intended. She just believed them to be fact, period. His desire to speak with Yasemin first, or even exclusively, played not factor in it at all.
Had they never seen each other, never spoken, she wouldn’t have held it against him.
“Talk with Yas. Focus on what’s actually important. If and when things settle down there, and she’s alright with it, of course, we’ll have that sit down together.” Because as he’d clearly noticed by now, Heartsdale was a small town. It wasn’t necessary to drag their old skeletons out of the closet, but clearing the air would be nice if they were going to be seeing each other around.
Until that happened, though, she was more than content to retreat into the background, only poking her head up should her sister actually ask for advice.
Not that she was the most qualified to provide it.
Nes couldn’t even manage to mend her own life. For all her efforts, all she had to show was a rundown house she could just barely afford, a menial job that offered limited pay, a fractured family, an abandoned dream, two failed relationships, one of which she’d utterly destroyed— “Yeah, yeah.” She nodded almost too enthusiastically. “Everything’s worked out great.”
It hadn’t, not even close, but she wasn’t about to tell Alp that. It wasn’t his job to listen to her problems anymore and hadn’t been for a very long time.
So, coffee in hand and a smile still pressed tight to her lips, she kept silent about how inaccurate it was to assume she had anything together. She watched as he paid his bill and collected his bags. When he offered to walk her out, though, her teeth sank against her lip. “Uhm, that’s really sweet of you to offer, but I think I’m actually gonna grab a seat and drink my coffee here.”
She wasn’t, Selvi was waiting to be picked up from her dad’s house, but it was easier to hang around for five more minutes than admit the truth: she was worried if they left together, even innocently, rumors would spread. Rumors that might reach Yas.
Turning toward an empty table she had no intention of claiming, Nesrin paused at the last second. “Alp?” She wouldn’t keep him any longer, but— “Take care, okay? It was nice to see you again. And, for what’s it worth... I do hope you guys figure it out.”
Watching as Nesrin dropped her bag and threw herself at him, Kamil laughed and pulled her into a tight bear hug. Once upon a time there was some thoughts swirling around in their parents minds that the two of them might end up together but neither Nes or Kam ever wanted that so instead they became best friends to piss off their parents even more. Kamil never intended to hurt his parents in that but he grew to love Nes, just not in the way they were all hoping. “Where the hell have you been? I’ve missed the hell out of you.” He let go of his grip on the brunette and looked her over with a grin on his lips, wondering where the time had gone. He and Nes has been thick as thieves when they were teens and now they were…almost strangers.
“My parents are uh, they’re good. Mostly. Dad’s doing great and mom is…well she’s alright.” Not many people knew about his mother’s struggles with mental health but Nesrin had. She’d always been someone he trusted with their family secrets. “My sister Leila had a baby a few years ago. She’s cute as hell and officially my favorite person on earth. How are you, what have you been up to, when are we getting lunch and catching up?”
—
Beyond Louisiana? “I’ve been... here.” Nes admits after some wincing and bowing her head. The guilt of not telling him ahead of time, or calling after, still sat on her like a weight. “Well, not here, at the mall, obviously—” much as she might wish to spend her days flitting in and out of gorgeous boutiques, she didn’t have the budget or the time— “but here as in... home.”
Somehow, that word fell out more question than statement. Several months after moving back and it still felt weird to utter it in conjunction with the idea of Heartsdale. Each time it ghosted past her lips there was always a swallow. A nervous pause. It was as if Nes half expected someone to snatch it right out of the air, erasing whatever claim she’d tried to make on this town.
It didn’t happen, then or now, and after another moment a shy smile flickered on her lips. “Anyway. I’m free now if you are?” The food court was likely overcrowded, but they could find a spare table with some luck and maybe a little waiting. “We could grab lunch, you can tell me all about this new niece of yours, and then fill me in on what else I’ve missed.”
open starter @heartsdalestarters
anywhere your heart desires.
“That cannot be true.” He scoffs, confident that whatever had just come out of the other’s mouth is anything but correct. “I will bet you fifty bucks and I’ll shave my eyebrows if you can prove me wrong.”
—
“You say that like it’d be a loss, but I don’t know, Kiv...” A slow, tentative smile arced against her lips. “I kinda think no eyebrows might be an improvement for you.” For that reason alone Nes wanted to swear her story true, if only to see if he’d put his money where his mouth was, but that was kind of hard to do when she’d been exaggerating. Massively.
“But yeah, alright. I did have several ‘gator sightings while I was living in Louisiana, but none of them actually made it to the porch. It was more or less... backyard adjacent. And by ‘several’ sightings, I mean it happened once.” Which was hardly the same thing as almost becoming its dinner after forgetting to shut the door.
It was a typical pre weekend delivery of alcohol for the bar in Tony’s restaurant. Usually Danny was around to help him, but had called in with toothache which meant Tony sweating out the delivery of heavy beer kegs and multiple crates of wine alone. He had just finished unloading two trucks full of alcohol when he turned and saw someone nearby. Checking his watch he realised it was nearly time for the lunchtime rush. “Hi.” He said breathlessly. “ Gimmie two sacs and I will be with you.” He dropped the last keg into the cellar and walked around to the person. “ Can I help you?” He asked stretching out his tired muscles.
—
Nes knew what drew her through Tony’s doors. It was the same thing that made her steps slow to a damn near crawl each time she passed it on her way down the block. A job. Or, at least, the hope that one day they’d have a ‘help wanted’ sign hanging in the window and she wouldn’t have to just bite the bullet and ask.
Working at the middle school was fine and all, but a secretary’s pay in this small of a town didn’t quite cut it when you had higher rent, a stack of bills to pay, and a thirteen year old daughter to feed.
She couldn’t ask her family for help, and sure as hell wouldn’t put it upon Matt, but there was no shame in finding additional work, right? A lot of single parents worked multiple jobs. Those first few years after Selvi was born she’d worked three. So why did Nes have so much trouble going through with the decision she’d been on the verge of making for months?
Not a clue, but by the time he re-emerged from the cellar she’d already lost her nerve.
“Uhm, just a menu if you don’t mind.” Tony’s hadn’t been around before the left town, and that unfamiliarity was appealing in terms of somewhere to work, but for lunch? It put her at a disadvantage... especially since she only ate halal.
Shit. She hadn’t thought this through at all, had she?
Dark eyes flicked up from the floor, full of uncertainty. “Do you, uh, do you any recommendations for something without meat?” And the fact that she had to ask - that she was as unfamiliar with Italian cuisine as she was the restaurant, itself - probably proved shouldn’t be looking for a job there in the first place.
It was the beginning of another year, and January brought a new audition season for Heartsdale High School. There was this fluttery, anticipatory feeling that Aaron knew to his core; every single year of his teens was consumed with this feeling… this need to show his best work, score the lead. Of course, things were different now. Back then, he was a gangly student, growing into himself, growing up. Now, he was older, and he was the professor; one of the ones he would have looked up to, all those years ago.
So now, he sat in one of his favorite seats at Betty’s Diner; the corner table he used to sit at with his parents. Now he sat here, drumming his fingers, dunking fries into his milkshake. There was a touch of neuroticism to his energy, but imbued with passion none the less. He had never directed a musical before; but it felt like time. Sondheim left behind such a legacy, and it was Aaron’s sole wish to honor it. He stared at the sheet music to Giants in the Sky, almost glared at it, as he shoved another fry into his mouth. It was tricky… Sondheim made it tricky. But it always ended up genius; every single time. “When you’re way up high, and you’re on your own. In a world like none that you’ve ever known. Where the sky is lead and the earth is stone, you’re free to do whatever pleases you.” He had a beautiful voice, something sweet and tender, but he barely even knew he was singing, before he felt a pair of eyes on him. “Oh jesus, did I start singing again?”
—
Instantly, Nesrin’s cheeks flamed somewhere north of a thousand degrees.
She hadn’t been trying to eavesdrop when the singing started. It just... happened. One minute she was sat there, minding her own business with a tepid cup of coffee and the classifieds page, and the next she found her attention lured away. She didn’t even realize she’d been staring until his own gaze snapped to her face.
“Uhm— yeah.” She confirmed with a sheepish chuckle. The fingers of one hand swept dark tresses behind the shell of her ear while the other, still loosely gripping a ballpoint pen, pinched a centimeter of air between two digits. “Just a little.” But if his dulcet tones managed to rise above the clash of pots and mixed conversations throughout the diner, Nes didn’t see that as a bad thing. “You've always had a lovely voice, though, so I don’t think anyone’s complaining.”
They’d been a few years apart in school, but once upon a time they’d both been involved in a spring musical - he on stage, her in the orchestra pit. Just last week she’d sat two tables behind at a district wide staff meeting. Maybe that didn’t count for much, but she recognized Aaron all the same.
“You’re the new drama teacher at the high school, right?” Her eyes dipped to the spread of sheet music before him and her mouth twitched, the barest hint of a smile forming at each corner. “Hard at work on a Saturday?”
Vivienne had been sure that Nesrin had had reasons for everything she did and that whatever she and Matt had going on in their lives was none of her business. She had always had a warm affection for Nesrin, found her to be a friendly person who was easy to get along with, and knowing now that she was also the mother to one of her closest friends children endeared her even more to Nesrin. As far as Vivienne could see she was a wonderful mom so no matter what had happened, Vivienne was sure there was a reason for it, and in the end, she still couldn’t imagine not considering her a friend. So when she invited her to lunch, Vivienne showed up on time, surprised to find Nesrin there early - but happy to see her nonetheless.
Vivienne slid in and untangled herself from her coat, “I keep forgetting that people in the south wear scarves when it’s sixty-five out.” Vivienne teased, nodding out the cafe window to the small group of passing people all decked in scarves.
Vivienne dropped her attention from the window, lighting up at the mention of the art lessons. “Really?” Chewing her bottom lip, Viv shrugged and pulled a small binder from her bag, “Because I’ve been thinking about it as well.” She opened the binder to reveal a lesson plan that spanned a few weeks. Color, underpainting, forms, and more. A neat little syllabus all complete with Selvi’s name on top in Viv’s neat cursive.
“My lips are sealed.” Vivienne made a pretend locking motion and pointed to the lesson plan, “I made it to help her find her style and voice in painting. It’s unique to her.” Vivienne lifted green eyes, her smile softening at Nes’ question on price. Vivienne propped her chin in her hand. “I remember my first art lesson. I wasn’t too much older than Selvi is now.” Vivienne paused and shook her head. “Friend and family rate, so for Selvi, I’ll do them for no cost.” Vivienne shrugged, “Just if I one day need help washing like a hundred pallets and scrubbing dried paint lend me a hand. Besides, her company would be enough for me…teaching little kids art that’s a dream.”
—
“Well, we can’t all be seasoned Manhattanites, used to real winters and heaps of snow.” When her eyes volleyed from the windows to her own scarf and back to Vivienne’s face again, Nes twisted on a smile to match the tease in her tone. “I think the farthest north I’ve ever been is Gainesville.” Georgia, not Florida, which was only about an hour from Atlanta by car. “I’d point out how sad that is, but I’ve already met my self-pity quota for the day.”
That, and the simple fact that elaborating any further would require talking about her life, her experiences, and both were subjects Nesrin went through great lengths to avoid. She was much more content to let the conversation linger on why they’d met up in the first place: Selvi, and the art lessons she hoped to use as a gift.
The wiggle room in her budget was practically nonexistent, so Nes should’ve been thrilled to hear the words ‘no cost’ fall from Vivienne’s lips, but... Somehow, the smile that still cut into her cheeks seemed off. It was tighter than it had mere seconds ago. More forced. It’s not that she didn’t appreciate such a generous offer, she did, or that she couldn’t use the financial reprieve, because she could. She just hated feeling like a charity case. Again.
The pads of her thumb and forefinger rolled up bits of that shredded napkin in her lap while her brain raced toward any other alternative. “Free? Are you— are you sure?” Rarely did people offer something and expect nothing in return. She’d learned that the hard way. And while she didn’t necessarily count Viv into that category, the word pitiful kept bouncing around her head.
“That’s, uhm, that’s honestly more than I could possibly ask for. You deserve to be reimbursed for your time.” But she sensed Viv wouldn’t be swayed. “Could I— well, she’ll need certain supplies, right?” Her gaze dipped to the binder sat between them. “I’d like to at least provide those myself so that she’s not using up anything of yours...”
❝ TUESDAY, DECEMBER 28TH, 2021 —
at his place with @coltwinslow.
“— it’s really nothing special, but it should at least get you guys through the next few days.” Nes glanced over her shoulder, eyes fixed on the various wrapped dinners Selvi left on Colt’s table. Even with her attention elsewhere, her hands still managed to scrub another dish, leaving it to drip suds and sit with the rest on the opposite side of the sink.
He hadn’t asked for the help, but he got it whether he liked it or not.
All those months ago when she told Colt her friendship came freely, without conditions or need for thanks, she’d meant it. A few meals and some light housework were just part of the packaged deal - especially under the circumstances.
Between still grieving Wes and managing his father’s health, Colt had enough on his plate.
The last cup went for a rinse under the faucet’s spray, then she placed it aside, job finished. “How are you doing? Really?” As she dried her hands on a clean towel, she settled him with a look that left little room for sugar coated lies. “Or—” if talking about himself was too much— “did you and Wayne at least have an alright holiday?"
There was a weird glimmer of a smile behind her words. It was against his nature. Colt was always the one who showed up. He fought. He did the right thing. Show him an inch of vulnerability and he would protect it. It was who he was. His father had raised him in that excuses were just that - excuses. His coach told him that his best required him to be uncomfortable in the growth. The best hurt. He listened to her - she didn’t say anything that surprised him. He rubbed his beard in thought. “I love her. But I have a lot to figure out. There are questions she will have that I don’t have answers to. And there are questions she will have that the answers, albeit truthful, are awful.” Colt had not made peace with what happened and what was happening at all. There was no peace in it, despite the calm on the surface.
“People think life and decisions are easy. They think… I would never do that but let me tell you, they have no goddamn clue until they are in it.” The swear was a whisper. “They think they have the whole picture, they have moral high ground, but they don’t. They weren’t there. It wasn’t their relationship, it wasn’t their past, it wasn’t anything they knew.” Colt shook his head. It was why he could never judge Nesrin. He didn’t know - he just couldn’t hold it against her. She clearly held it against herself more anyway. People needed grace from others, the judgement did little to help them, and did not encourage better decision making.
Colt nodded. “I know you did. The could’ve beens are the hardest parts. Could’ve, should’ve - but what’s done is done. I understand the sentiment you have completely.” Her words resonated with him - they were in different situations but the perception was the same, their feelings mirrored. He gave her a slow, understanding nod. “Honestly, Nes. I’m not going to sit here and pretend I know what was going on. I didn’t and I still don’t. I just trust that you did the best you could in the situation you were in. I hope… well, if someone kept a child from me, I would feel only upset because somewhere along the line I did something that made her think I couldn’t be trusted with that news, with that responsibility. I think that mothers are in a difficult position - because most don’t know. Sharing a child with someone who can’t be trusted is a longer and harder battle than what you’re doing now. So…” Colt shrugged. “I can’t say shit, other than I hope it works out. I hope that this was just the way the story had to go. She’s a great kid, though.”
One second she was on her phone, the next Alara had collided with someone and knocked whatever was in their hands onto the floor. The woman didn’t even have time to hang up as she gasped, crouching to the ground to try and salvage the wreck that she had caused. “I— I’m sorry, oh my god—” The woman stammered, fiddling around to gather it all up. “I wasn’t looking, it was my fault. I’m sorry. Crap.” Alara mumbled, biting her bottom lip as she saw the victim to her lack of concentration. “Nes, I— I’m so sorry, please let me…”
—
The impact was sudden. So sudden, and so unexpected, that it took a few drawn out seconds of utter stillness before Nes, too, snapped into action. “Aly, please— don’t apologize. It’s just a bunch of junk.” The scattering of wayward trinkets and faded, folded notes were actually quite precious to her, but they held no monetary value. Nobody beyond Nesrin would understand or believe in their worth. There was no need for Alara to sit there feeling even worse.
Carefully, she helped scoop the remaining contents back into the box, then inspected its stability with a sigh. Corners torn, sides warped and ringed with what was likely decades old water damage...
“I think this thing was ready to give up with or without your encouragement,” she pointed out with quiet chuckle, hoping to assuage Aly’s guilt in some small way. But when her attention shifted, Nesrin’s brow furrowed with a touch of concern. Even ancient cardboard could pack a bit of a punch. On instinct, she began scanning for bruises she couldn’t possibly see beneath sleeves. “Are you okay?” In a question of who ran into who, she felt just as much to blame.
❝ SUNDAY, DECEMBER 12TH, 2021 —
at her house in suffix mills with @mattsullivan.
Even months after moving home it was strange to wrap her head around the fact that she was actually living back in Heartsdale, but strangest of all was opening the front door to see him on the other side. Hands braced in his pockets and silhouetted by the peeling posts of her new porch— over the years she’d imagined similar scenes, countless times, and yet none quite prepared Nes for those daydreams to become reality.
“Hey, Matty.” A smile flickered across her lips, faint and uncertain but determined to hold its place. “Selvi’s still getting ready. Why don’t you, uh, why don’t you come on in?” But it wasn’t until she stepped aside so he could follow her into the living room that she became painfully aware of just how much his towering frame filled up the small space.
Or of how desperately she could use some new furniture.
It hadn’t occurred to her until that very moment that this was the first time he’d ever been inside. Usually, they met up somewhere public or Selvi was already anxiously awaiting his arrival from the porch. Now, her eyes dropped somewhere between his face and the wooden floorboards. Heat flamed into twin spots upon her cheeks while she hovered in front of their couch, its fabric faded from years of use.
Their home was clean and cozy, but Nes couldn’t help but fear he’d see her - see the patchwork of whatever secondhand pieces she could afford - and somehow find it all lacking.
“I’m sure she’ll only be another minute.” She murmured, hands twisted in front of her stomach.“Sel was just finding her coat and grabbing a few things.” Not Christmas presents, per se, but gifts for him all the same. She’d thrown herself into the holiday spirit ever since helping Matt decorate Sully’s, eager to join his family traditions and perhaps create some new ones, too, in her first ever Christmas.
It was sweet, but Nes wished she’d hurry up already. Selvi was the only buffer between them, awkward small talk, and far too many things still left unsaid. “How, uhm, how’ve you been?” And then, because she needed something to do other than stand there and pick at her cuticles— “Can I grab you something to drink while we wait?”
❝ SATURDAY, DECEMBER 11TH, 2021 —
at juniper café with @vivienne-fonseca.
“I’m really glad you were able to meet me for lunch,” Nes admitted with a somewhat anxious, albeit grateful smile. So far Viv hadn’t made her feel unwelcome or uncomfortable once, but she wasn’t ignorant of the circumstances. She’d always been Matt’s friend first and foremost, Nesrin’s thirteen years away from home hadn’t seen that changed. The fact that she’d come back with his secret daughter in tow? Well... needless to say, Viv had every reason to reject her invitation.
The fact that she hadn’t - that she extended kindness after kindness, instead - still felt a little too good to be true.
A shredded napkin in her lap betrayed her nerves, but Nes pushed out another smile while the waiter delivered their meals. “I’ve been really hoping to talk more about those lessons for Selvi, and figured the least I go do was feed you.” Even if the cafe’s menu remained a touch out of budget on a single secretary’s pay. “To be honest, it was her idea, but I’d like to keep it a secret if possible.” She didn’t celebrate Christmas, personally, but now that her daughter intended to celebrate with Matt lessons with a real working artist felt like the perfect gift.
There was just one tiny problem... “I’m not sure if you even do this sort of thing on a typical basis, but how much would once a week for about a month cost?”
Kamil really ought to get out of the habit of sleeping all day on his days off from the fire house, so he was out at the mall today trying to get some of his Christmas shopping done. The holiday was sneaking up on him and he had a long list of people he hadn’t bought gifts for. Today it was his sister and his mother that he was shopping for, two of the most important people in his life. He spotted a familiar face and paused, wondering if it could really be the person he thought it was. God, he hadn’t seen Nesrin in a long time and for all he knew, she had no intentions of ever coming back to Heartsdale. “Nes?”
—
Nes hadn’t had a single reason to so much as think of decorating cookies or hanging ornaments on a tree since her relationship with Matt, so it was almost funny that her ex was also why she found herself lost in a sea of Christmas shoppers now. She’d just paused outside of a jewelry store (though why she thought she could afford anything inside for his grandma Aileen was a mystery) when a familiar, albeit unexpected voice shouted to be heard above the crowd.
“Kam?” Disbelief edged into joy. Nes dropped the sole bag in her hands in order to fling arms around his shoulders. “It’s so good to see you!” Perhaps she should’ve started with some sort of apology - she hadn’t exactly called to give a heads up she was moving home - but in that moment she couldn’t think of anything other than how nice it felt to see an old friend. A friend who, circumstances be damned, had always supported her. “How are you? How are your parents?”
✗: are you busy right now? i have some time to kill while i wait for the next part of this tour and idk. i guess i could just really use someone to talk to while i sit here. if not it’s fine.
✗: you still love me, right?
✗: excuse me, halime. you said you were going on a date with that girl olivia last night and now it’s 10am yet i’m STILL waiting for you to call and tell me how it went. i wanna know everything. did it go okay? are you gonna see her again? if you don’t call me back in the next five minutes [...]
✗: i don’t know if that place is gonna work, hali. i know you’ve been working so hard to help me find somewhere in such a short amount of time, but between the move itself and this pay cut making that kind of rent is gonna be really tight. is there anything else in suffix mills? even a one bedroom? selvi can take it and i’ll just sleep on the couch.
✓: this place always feels too quiet when selvi stays with matt. can i come spend the night with you? promise i won’t even steal the covers this time. i’ll just curl up in the corner of your bed like a cat. you won’t even know i’m there!
✗: on pain of death, i need you to swear if anyone asks you’ll say i fell asleep in your room last night while we were studying for the chem final.
✗: you know i’d never ask if i had any other choice, but do you think you could send me $50? the car wouldn’t start again so i was late getting to the diner and they gave away my shift. i’m not gonna have enough to cover another night at the motel let alone get gas to make it to my doctors appt on tuesday. i swear i’ll pay you back, mags. i have a few cleaning jobs lined up. i just need something to get by for a few more days.
✗: you can’t just tell me kam PROPOSED over a text message and then refuse to answer your phone margaret hendry. what the heck? call me back!!!
✗: i didn’t actually look that bad at the pumpkin patch, right? my sweater was fine. right?
✓: i swear to god if you make a big deal about this i’m taking you out of my will, but could you swing over to my place tonight? i maybe might possibly just a teensy tiny little bit need outfit advice. DO NOT MAKE IT A THING MAGGIE.
✗: can i recruit you for a super stealthy mission? i’m planning a birthday surprise for matt, but i’m gonna need some help.
✗: have you seen matt today? his phone’s off and i really need to talk to him.
✗: i know you owe me absolutely nothing but... take care of him? please.
✗: i’m sorry if i seemed weird when we ran into each other at the bodega yesterday. i promise it had nothing to do with you. it really was nice to see you again. things are just... complicated right now.
✓: i know things have been rough lately, so if not that’s perfectly fine, but would you maybe be up for some company this afternoon? selvi and i were thinking about bringing lunch.
