lifesoup
As of these characters being typed on my very cheap keyboard, it is nearly eleven o'clock into the night. I believe I've turned sour of the world at the moment. I'm depressed. I'm unimaginative when it comes to describing how i feel into verbs, so this is the best I got. I'm still shocked about what I want to do in life. Its pretty sad seeing me compared to everyone else. You can see the high flyers with their distorted faces hung on a wall in the school. In my maths lessons you are literally surrounded with the finest grains of the wheat in this very weedy school. One of my mates is going to work experience in France. Fucking France. That's very foreign to what you see around here. (see what i did there? haha) The majority of the yeargroup decided to work locally by spending their two weeks gaining imaginary experience points working at their primary schools. I'm working at a digital media company at Kentish Town, Highgate. Sure, it sounds great but its work experience. It doesn't even go well for me too since one of the honchos i conversed said that I might not be able to be going there for work experience. Therefore when the time arises I'll be sitting on my arse for work experience. Which sorrowly sucks meatshafts. Many people depend on me to be successful. I don't feel successful. There are times where i work my melting nipples off, and whats it for? I tried my best and it ended up being all flukes. I got an A for my exam result for maths. Thats 96/120. One less and I would end up with the dreadded B. Is this just luck? I hope not, But as much as hope that my judgements on this would be true, it probably is.
Sure, I have aspirations. I want to go to the behemoths of the Computer Science Universities; Imperial College, MIT, Caltech. I want to go to a good college. I want to do something worth my life instead of sitting on my fat arse doing apeshit and wasting my existence. I dont think i'll get accepted to any of them. I spent this year fucking things up for me. I've been absorbed into the environment of which is girls, money and idiocy. I spent a good part of my time with girls, Spending hard earned money on redundancies, and being a absolute idiot. I don't know how it came up to this. I thought I was a good person. Instead I end up fucking things up and make it worse for everyone. Thats how I feel at the moment. I've turned sour. I hate this neighbourhood. I hate the way it changed me. I want to stay who i was several years ago: A computer geek with a great childhood and a high achiever. Now i'm struggling to get my Grades, lost in programming and socially adept with a mind so poignant its amazing how I live through the day to see it again.
I know this is sad, and that I'm some kind of modest and socially concerned but I have my arse on the line. When you prove you can do something, and you fail to reach that standards you fall. What comes up must go down. Its happening now. And what is it all towards? Its as if life is some kind of race. We're all competing to die. We only live to die. That's what everything narrows down to. Wether we make the most of the time we have is up to the person. I just ruined mine. Sure, I'm fifteen years old and im only a sixth of my life through. But if you fuck up now how can you live it right for the rest of your life? I cant learn new things later. I'm a lazy fat arsed cowbag that is comparable to Musolini of his respective field. I've gone down. I hate myself.
*All of my blogposts so far are so verbally repressing, I do apologize but i feel like smashing my fingers onto my keyboard typing this. Things gotta come out.