I've been suicidal for so long, that even leaving Tumblr for months hasn't helped Nothing helps I've tried everything I've tried music Writing Focusing on school Trying to be religious Trying excersize Nothing I'm losing hope.everyday I'm living my days on fast forward I see everything pass by me I don't feel happy I don't feel sad I don't even feel anger anymore I don't feel anything that's the most terrifying part I'm numb My emotions are so paralyzed and the only thing u can feel is fear Suffocating my mind Eating through my veins Idek why I'm trying anymore I'm just ranting about how much I hate myself at this point But can u imagine having an interview and being expected to pitch yourself when all you can think about is how much you gate yourself I don't even know if this is me trying to find an outlet and give life a chance or if this just a ploy from my mind to convince me that hope exists out there somewhere Even money doesn't matter to me anymore Buying food Eating i don't think I've eaten in forever Like actually eaten I've swallowed food so I don't But I don't know how much longer I can do this I can't reach out to anyone I can't even talk to anyone without getting so anxious that I feel like I'm vomiting At this point I don't even think I could talk to a therapist I want to go mute I basically am mute rn I don't understand I've tried to hard It's my own fault I can't reach out to get medication that's my fault I know I've tried to get better without medication But my life feels as if it's not there People care about grades but me Nothing No accomplishment matters only the failures define me It's a problem of my ego But I don't understand how to fix I don't think happiness is a problem finding happiness is the least or my worries I would rather be sad then paralyzed with fear for everything I do I am the definition of a useless human being. That's also a lie But it feels like. And I'm sorry for anyone who had to read this mess. The worst part is I know that there are people who would care if I was gone But I can't find myself to care enough to try to save myself anymore I'm gonna try to give life one more chance I always say that but now I just want to end everything and stop this pain This numb pain It doesn't allow tears to flow just sits like a constant migraine and as a attempt to stop suffocates me within it's hold
